Sept. 21, 2025

(no music) Discussing My Bipolar & EUPD – LMBYTS#1435

(no music) Discussing My Bipolar & EUPD – LMBYTS#1435

🎙️ Discussing My Bipolar & EUPD – LMBYTS#1435 ⏱️ Duration: 1 hour, 22 minutes 📅 Recorded on: 20 September 2025 🧠 Topic: Deep personal reflection on mental health, especially bipolar disorder and EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) 🧵...

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🎙️ Discussing My Bipolar & EUPD – LMBYTS#1435
⏱️ Duration: 1 hour, 22 minutes
📅 Recorded on: 20 September 2025
🧠 Topic: Deep personal reflection on mental health, especially bipolar disorder and EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) 🧵 OVERVIEW This episode of Let Me Bore You To Sleep is a raw, meandering, yet heartfelt monologue where Jason Newland reflects on recent tech struggles with his podcast, then opens up about his personal experiences with bipolar disorder and EUPD. It evolves from a casual update into a deep dive into the complexities of living with fluctuating mental health. He discusses diagnosis, therapy, medication, and how others have misunderstood his journey. There's also a lot of self-deprecating humor, honesty, and vulnerability throughout. 🧩 STRUCTURED SUMMARY ⛓️ Part 1: Podcast & Website Woes (~0:00–9:00)

  • Jason is frustrated about recent problems with Apple Podcasts, which drastically dropped his listenership stats.
  • He shares that he’s been working hard to fix the issue and reorganize his website, letmeboreyoutosleep.com.
  • He’s visibly tired and emotionally drained by the tech issues but reassures listeners that things are working again.
  • Shout-outs to new Facebook group members, Karen and Kaylee.
🧠 Part 2: Mental Health Journey Begins (~9:00–18:00)
  • Jason discusses a recent GP phone appointment, which resulted in a referral to a mental health nurse and an increase in his medication.
  • Humorously notes that he may become even “slower and more boring” with the new dosage.
  • Reflects on past manic behavior from 2011 and being diagnosed with bipolar disorder later that year.
  • Talks about how his mood swings began in childhood and shares prior experiences with antidepressants and anxiety from as far back as 1995.
💊 Part 3: Medication Stigma & Acceptance (~18:00–27:00)
  • Shares a story about a friend at a Buddhist center who encouraged him to accept medication as part of wellness, despite Jason’s initial resistance.
  • Uses a humorous appendix analogy to emphasize that you don’t refuse treatment for physical illness—so why for mental health?
  • Admits that past judgment from others made him hesitant about long-term medication use.
🧍♂️ Part 4: EUPD & Dual Diagnosis (~27:00–42:00)
  • Delves into the co-diagnosis of EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) and bipolar.
  • Shocked to learn of the EUPD diagnosis years after therapy began.
  • Recalls a 5-year treatment period that included:
    • DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy)
    • Group therapy
    • Psychotherapy at home
  • Shares how mood instability, impulsivity, and difficulty with relationships are key EUPD symptoms he relates to.
🎭 Part 5: Humor, Dating, and Disguises (~42:00–59:00)
  • Veers into lighthearted stories:
    • Taking his ferret Andre into town.
    • Online dating and profile pictures.
    • Hilariously cynical commentary on filtered dating profile photos and photo manipulation.
  • Recounts a short-lived romantic encounter that ended just before a critical psychiatric evaluation, which ironically led professionals to think he was “fine” due to being in a good mood.
⚖️ Part 6: Bipolar Diagnosis – The Real One (~59:00–1:10:00)
  • Shares how in 2011, a new doctor finally took him seriously and referred him for proper diagnosis.
  • Officially diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder (again) in December 2011.
  • Talks about years of ups and downs, job loss, and therapy.
  • Begins understanding his pattern of mood cycles and their impact on life and relationships.
📚 Part 7: Final Thoughts – Acceptance & Awareness (~1:10:00–1:22:00)
  • He explores how both bipolar and EUPD explain so much of his lived experience.
  • Researches EUPD symptoms live during the recording (fluctuating emotions, impulsivity, relationship challenges).
  • Notes that DBT was the key therapy used during treatment—but he hadn’t known that at the time.
  • Reflects on how some people’s moods bounce back quickly, while others (like him) have longer, deeper troughs and spikes.
  • Ends on a gentle note: encourages listeners to be kind to themselves, feel safe, and allow themselves happiness.
  • Mentions the possible reward of a Cornetto. 🍦😄
💬 KEY THEMES & TAKEAWAYS
Theme Insight Mental health stigma Jason illustrates the long journey of confronting others’ opinions about medication and mental illness. Dual diagnosis His story highlights the complexity of having both bipolar and EUPD—conditions that can overlap but require distinct approaches. Self-awareness & humor Jason’s ability to talk honestly while keeping it light with jokes and analogies makes this reflection accessible. Therapy & treatment DBT, medication, and long-term psychotherapy played huge roles in stabilizing his life. Loneliness & connection Undercurrent of seeking human connection, acceptance, and the ongoing tension between vulnerability and protection.

Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/hypnosis-for-sleeping-deeply--6340116/support.
WEBVTT

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Welcome to Let Me Boy to Sleep. My name is

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Jason Newland. Please only listen when you can safely close

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your eyes. And uh, my website is Jason Newland. No, no,

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my website is let Me Boy to Sleep. Yeah dot com,

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don't ask.

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It's just.

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I made some changes. Not all changes go smoothly. I

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have discovered, for example, it's going to open my laptop.

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Now I've got that shining in my face. Okay, so

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I've had a lot of problems with my Apple podcasts

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the last few days. I think it's now sorted. I

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play it's now sorted, but it's taken quite a lot

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of effort to get it done. Yeah, so hopefully it's

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all done.

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I'd say all done.

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And it's never going to be complete, but I hope

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it's done, as in working correctly. Please please, please, please please,

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because the stats were ridiculous.

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Yesterday.

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I mean, honestly, two hundred and sixty three downloads of

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my podcasts. Two hundred and sixty.

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Three in one day.

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Now, you know, it can go down quite low sometimes

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if I haven't recorded anything for a week or two weeks.

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Or something like that.

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But bearing in mind i'd recorded one on Monday, Tuesday

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and Friday, so there wasn't really unless the recordings were

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just really bad, really bad. So I need to get

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these lights sorted out so I don't like the light

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shining in my face. I know the picture isn't great.

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I'm doing this on YouTube. It's very windy, very very

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very windy. I don't know why I'm doing it on YouTube.

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So what I've been doing is I'm been trying to

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organize my website, let Meboydsleep dot com so that I

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just wanted to get everything kind of back to normal.

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And I'll be honest, I'm not sure. I don't know

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what normal is anymore. So what's this I look at today?

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It is Today's the twentieth of September two thy twenty five,

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and it's Apple podcast is now back now eventually, I

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got it back by about lunchtime ish, so it's been

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about six hours and it seems to be kind of

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getting back to normal again ish, but I know how

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difficult it can be.

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All right. Yeah, I'm seeing that some of.

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The people that the places that normally listen are still

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listening again. That's good, but I'll give you an example,

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like yesterday's let Me boy This sleep, which was Q

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and A Friday. I looked at the stats this morning

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and I think I had three listens to the ten

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hour version with music or six listens.

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Sis yesterday. This was this morning, you know.

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I mean, I'm not getting millions a day normally, but

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six listens and when I upload I would get that

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in the first few minutes. It's so yeah, it's very strange.

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Even on SoundCloud. If I uploaded a recording, what are

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you doing?

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Oops?

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Something went wrong? Okay, so SoundCloud's not working for some reason.

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Hm hm, oh, now it is all right.

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So as soon as I upload something to SoundCloud pretty

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much you know, get a few listens sort of straight

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away within minutes of doing it. With spreaker, that stats

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take about an hour or so, maybe two hours to

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show up. So whatever I've got now, you can add

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a few hundred onto it. So by six forty five

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in the evening now, so by midnight it's going to

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be maybe not double, but it's going to be getting

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onto sort of double.

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What it is.

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If it's like a standard day, that is, which I'm

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not sure what a stand what is a standard day?

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How do new is really boxing on tonight? I do

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know I'm not sure. Yeah, so yeah, so I get

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rid of that SoundCloud a little message to Sebastian, and

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then that was Sebastian. I'm just trying to think, because

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this is like Saturday summary. I made a lot of changes,

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and I think I got a little bit carried away,

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and I had a lot of messages on Facebook telling

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me that basically the new recordings are not shown themselves, and.

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It just got a little bit like, oh, what do

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I do? What do I do?

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So I did post this eight hours ago, hopefully fixed

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the Apple podcast issue. So that must have been about

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eleven o'clock.

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This morning.

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It's getting it's it's trained me a little bit drained,

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and I've got a new person joined Jason Newlands boring

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group on Facebook. So I like to say hello to Kaylee, Hi, Kayley,

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and also yesterday Karen, Hi Karen, So welcome to Karen

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and Kayley.

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Welcome.

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And if you'd like to join Jason Newland's boring group,

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then just please go to Facebook or if you go

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to my website, let me borirol you to sleep dot com.

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There's a there's a message, it's basically a link at

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the top Facebook group and you can go there and just.

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Join.

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So I've had messages from people telling me that it's

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successful now and everything's.

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Up to date.

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All the old stuff now plays again. So yeah, that's

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a weird face I just made on a computer screen camera.

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RH So I spoke to the I spoke, I spoke

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to my GP.

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I had a doctor's appointment on the phone on Thursday,

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after having spoken to the mental health nurse a month ago,

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and then having spoken to the doctors surgery a week ago,

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and then I got to the doctors called me on

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Thursday morning and has referred me to the mental health team,

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and the mental health nurse is going to contact me

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on the thirtieth of September. I think, I think something

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like that. So, yeah, I get that the doctor increased my.

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Medication, so I might become.

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Even slower than I already am, even slower just when

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you thought that I couldn't get any slower and anymore boring.

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And it might be the medication that makes me boring.

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Maybe if I didn't take my medication, I wouldn't be

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boring and slow, and I would be talking oh so quickly. See,

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you can't get to see me what I was like

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in a kind of a Manichy phase because all those

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videos were lost. But there was a little phase, a

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little phase back in two thousand and eleven, probably looking

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at summertime, and I was definitely I was laughing at

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things that weren't even funny.

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Really, it was weird. I was a little bit, very

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hyper a little bit, and.

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I did some stuff on camera because I was making

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regular vlogs back then on YouTube. My cousin contacted me

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and said, I'm worried about you because there's some of

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the things I was saying and doing on there. So yeah,

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and that was shortly before I was Yeah, that was

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in the summer, and then December I was diagnosed with bipolar.

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For the first time. For the first time. I do remember.

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I actually had a a review, a psychiatric review back

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in two thousand and four. So I was having severe

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anxiety between November two thousand and three. It lasted for years,

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but luckily.

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It did it.

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Reduced sort of during two thousand and four, induced a

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bit two thousand and five, two thousand and six, it

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was almost kind of sorted, not sorted, but like it

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wasn't seemingly all the time, And that's part of the

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reason why I started doing audios and videos to try

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and help calm people down, calm the mind, perhaps a distraction,

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maybe just a calm in voice to listen to, which

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is kind of what I needed for myself.

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Anyway.

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I waited for months for this psychiatric review. I was

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initially I'm talking about mental health here, so I should say,

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don't listen to this if you don't want to hear

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about my mental health stuff. I'm not going to go

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into any juicy details or anything like that.

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I'm just going to sort of.

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I'm not going to talk about it too much, although

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there's some.

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Stuff I'd like to say, but I won't. I won't

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shall I I would.

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Like to quite like to, quite like to make a

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video or recording where I open up about some of

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the more personal aspects of my life in the past

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and even now, but it doesn't necessarily fit together with

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the lighted the lightheartedness or the lightness of what these

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recordings are supposed to be. So I don't really get

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into heavy conversations. Really, I talk about factual stuff. You know,

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I've seen a doctor, I'm seeing a mental health nurse

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or whatever. I'm not going to go into any more

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detail than that.

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Really, it's just.

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I give you an update on what's going on in

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my life.

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That's part of what this is.

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And so this is kind of a I suppose it

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quite a funny story. Not funny, but you know, kind

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of funny, but also a little.

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Bit sad, a little bit sad. So what happened is.

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I was first and when I first started going to

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the doctors because I've been on I was on antidepressants

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nineteen ninety five. That's the first time for anxiety and depression.

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So and then I was on them again in I

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think probably ninety six, then again end of ninety seven,

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and then probably nothing until two thousand and two November.

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So I went quite quite a few years. I didn't I.

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Don't think I had any medication, but I might be wrong.

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It's hard to remember, but back then i'd take it

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and I didn't like it, and i'd stopped taking it.

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I also had two friends that were very I wouldn't

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say unsupportive, but judgmental because they didn't understand. I had

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one friend saying to me, it wasn't saying that I

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was weak because I was on medication. But that's kind

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of what I took from the conversation. So my ad

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my response was, well, stuff the medication, I'll stop taking it.

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Then, or maybe.

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The person said that I well, I felt that they

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were saying that I was reliant upon it. And you know,

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medication shouldn't be taken long term. Well, what do you

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do for a long term medical condition? Then, my dear,

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what am I supposed to do? Bipolar EUPD. Bipolar is

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not a short term thing. You don't just take medication

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when you're feeling bad, or take medication. You know, when

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you're too high, you can't just take medication to like

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bring you down. And when you're feeling too low, you

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can't take medication just to bring you up. It'd be

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nice if I could, and then on those days one

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kind of average, i'd be just wouldn't take anything. I'd

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love that, just pop a pill and then I'm fine.

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But because of the.

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Nature of it, it's a daily routine to keep those

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levels of I don't know, serotonin and balance in my brain.

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I don't want to be on medication.

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But you know what, I had a friend and I

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used to know at the Buddhist center, and he said

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something to me that was really he's part of the reason.

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I think I wanted to go and visit Thailand because

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he loved the East. He traveled all over Vietnam. I'm

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trying to think of different countries, but that whole kind

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of area. He just loved it. And he kept telling

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me the people there are so nice, so friendly. He said,

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you never, you won't understand it unless you go there.

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You need to see for yourself how lovely the people

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are when you go to you know, Vietnam. I can

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only think of Vietnam and Thailand, and there's lots of

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other countries in that area. I just can't think of

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any Canada.

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I don't know, but.

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He said he said something to me, and I remember

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I was at the bottom behind the cat the Buddhist center.

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There was like a cabin. It was an actual building

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structure and we would use it classes like meditation classes

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or teaching classes, you know, groups to getting together and

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stuff like that.

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And it was just separate so it fitted probably six

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people that's chairs wise.

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I mean, it wasn't a lot of space, but there

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was a little toilet and a coat rack, you.

235
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Know, pretty much everything you needed. A little heater, so.

236
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Therapists also used to use it. There was an acupuncturist

237
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that used to use it.

238
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Well.

239
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I went to a few times because I've had I've

240
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tried so many different therapies to try and help with

241
00:20:43.480 --> 00:20:49.799
my to you know, to relax and my situation, and

242
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I like acupuncture.

243
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I think there was.

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A reiki person possibly that worked down there, so they

245
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just went the room by the hour. And what I

246
00:21:02.799 --> 00:21:08.960
did when I became a counselor, I also rented that

247
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room so for private clients, but also people that I

248
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did the because I also did the free Konic chronic

249
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pain relief service there as well, so I used that

250
00:21:19.119 --> 00:21:20.440
for the same same thing.

251
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I also.

252
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Used it when I lived around the corner from there.

253
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This is in twenty eleven, I used it. I used

254
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to go there in the nighttime. I'd ask them first.

255
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I didn't just turn up by the keys to get in,

256
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and there was okay ovid.

257
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I went there at night.

258
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Once everyone was gone, so like eleven o'clock or something,

259
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and I'd stay there for a few hours and I'd

260
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make videos, hypnosis videos and stuff like that because it

261
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was quiet.

262
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And well. Anyway, one day I was in there.

263
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And I was waiting for a client to turn up,

264
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and my friend of the man I would telling me about.

265
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He was there as well, and some of the other

266
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people were there and they were meeting up, and he

267
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was there.

268
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I'm not quite sure why he was there, but he

269
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was there anyway. And he told me, he said, because

270
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I was going for a very difficult, very difficult time

271
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at that at that moment, and I pretty much refused

272
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to take medication. I refuse to go and get help.

273
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And he said to me, he said, he knew my history.

274
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He knew my history of.

275
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Know all the different things that had kind of time

276
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I'd been on medication, stuff like that, so you can't

277
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we had a little bit in common from that perspective,

278
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And he knew that I had a bit of an

279
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attitude about taking medication.

280
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For me, not for other people.

281
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I don't judge other people for what they need to do,

282
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but for me, I just I didn't want to.

283
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I just didn't want to take it. I didn't. I

284
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just didn't. I didn't want to be I don't know

285
00:23:28.559 --> 00:23:29.519
how much of that is, just.

286
00:23:36.640 --> 00:23:40.799
How much of that is Other people have influenced me

287
00:23:41.200 --> 00:23:45.359
with their attitudes, with their stinking thinking.

288
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As zig Ziggy Ziggler wherever his name is, would say so.

289
00:23:53.720 --> 00:23:57.279
I He said, anyways, it's in the summer and he

290
00:23:57.319 --> 00:24:02.160
said to me, I said, well, he said hmm. I said, no,

291
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I had to go. But why why are you going

292
00:24:04.480 --> 00:24:08.319
for He said, well, you're clearly not doing very well.

293
00:24:08.359 --> 00:24:11.559
I said, no, fair enough, i'n't argue on that one.

294
00:24:12.640 --> 00:24:15.680
And he said, why don't you just go back to

295
00:24:15.720 --> 00:24:19.839
the doctor and see maybe get back on the antidepressants.

296
00:24:20.680 --> 00:24:22.799
This is better one. This is before I was diagnosed

297
00:24:22.839 --> 00:24:30.599
with bipolar. It was I knew I was not doing

298
00:24:30.599 --> 00:24:32.960
this too good, but I didn't quite know what you

299
00:24:33.319 --> 00:24:37.920
didn't know about that part of it. And because this

300
00:24:37.960 --> 00:24:43.160
is after the me being all like mannek and stuff previous,

301
00:24:43.200 --> 00:24:46.839
so this is probably the end of the summer, probably

302
00:24:46.960 --> 00:24:55.319
kind of September time or maybe August. And I said, nah,

303
00:24:55.480 --> 00:25:01.799
just can't be bothered. I don't want to be reliant

304
00:25:01.880 --> 00:25:03.920
upon it. I don't want to be dependent upon it.

305
00:25:06.079 --> 00:25:08.039
And there was I think there's a part of me

306
00:25:08.559 --> 00:25:13.440
still used to think that maybe it made me weak,

307
00:25:15.440 --> 00:25:18.039
which is ridiculous, but there was kind of a sense

308
00:25:18.079 --> 00:25:22.000
of ole, it's a week, it's you know, I want

309
00:25:22.039 --> 00:25:26.920
to be stronger than that. And he said, look, because

310
00:25:26.920 --> 00:25:29.319
he was a lot older than me. He'd retired, so

311
00:25:29.400 --> 00:25:37.720
I was in my wow was what was I forty?

312
00:25:40.440 --> 00:25:43.319
Wow? Or maybe yeah?

313
00:25:43.319 --> 00:25:46.000
I probably hadn't even turned forty one yet, so I

314
00:25:46.039 --> 00:25:47.200
was forty years old.

315
00:25:48.720 --> 00:25:52.759
One more wow wow. So I was a young man.

316
00:25:54.440 --> 00:25:55.759
He was probably.

317
00:25:58.640 --> 00:26:02.960
I would say, probably late fifties, maybe early sixties. He'd

318
00:26:03.000 --> 00:26:05.880
retired early, but he was I probably had about twenty

319
00:26:05.960 --> 00:26:12.359
years on me. And he said to me, he said

320
00:26:12.359 --> 00:26:14.599
little JJ. I said, don't call me that.

321
00:26:16.079 --> 00:26:16.880
Don't call me that.

322
00:26:16.960 --> 00:26:23.079
He said, okay, sorry, he said juicy JJ. I said,

323
00:26:23.079 --> 00:26:26.799
that's right, that's the nickname, juicy JJ, not little JJ.

324
00:26:28.079 --> 00:26:32.799
But he said anyway, he.

325
00:26:32.759 --> 00:26:35.000
Said that he went through the same kind of thing

326
00:26:35.400 --> 00:26:37.920
where he didn't want to be on a tablet. He

327
00:26:37.960 --> 00:26:39.799
didn't want to take tablets, didn't like the way that

328
00:26:39.880 --> 00:26:45.559
made him feel. But he realized, you know, the side effects,

329
00:26:45.599 --> 00:26:48.400
maybe feeling a bit tired, a bit groggy, a bit

330
00:26:49.000 --> 00:26:56.200
slow whatever. Everyone's different, they but he said, after about

331
00:26:56.640 --> 00:27:04.279
forty years of going through that, he decided that he'd

332
00:27:04.400 --> 00:27:09.559
rather take a tablet a day, or two tablets day whatever,

333
00:27:11.519 --> 00:27:20.279
in order to feel stable, in order to feel maybe

334
00:27:20.400 --> 00:27:24.359
human even, you know, in order just to be well

335
00:27:25.000 --> 00:27:31.759
to feel well most of the time. And he said

336
00:27:31.799 --> 00:27:38.960
that there's no there's no shame. There's no shame in,

337
00:27:39.480 --> 00:27:40.599
no shame.

338
00:27:41.160 --> 00:27:47.160
In doing what's necessary.

339
00:27:48.119 --> 00:27:51.160
You know, if you're appendix burst, you have them taken out,

340
00:27:51.960 --> 00:27:54.160
you don't say to the doctor or the surgeon, now

341
00:27:54.160 --> 00:27:59.839
it's all right, I'll keep them. I'll suffer now. I'm

342
00:27:59.839 --> 00:28:05.519
not comparing appendicitis a burst appendix or whatever, which can

343
00:28:05.559 --> 00:28:09.039
be fatal, of course, but and it probably would be

344
00:28:09.119 --> 00:28:17.200
if if it wasn't medically sorted out. But it's kind

345
00:28:17.200 --> 00:28:20.000
of a comparison, you know. He's like, you need when

346
00:28:20.119 --> 00:28:23.519
something's needed, you wouldn't think twice about it, would be

347
00:28:23.640 --> 00:28:30.359
just like, okay, take it out. It's just that's it.

348
00:28:30.559 --> 00:28:34.319
There's not really a conversation. They don't even ask today.

349
00:28:35.119 --> 00:28:37.319
You know you've got you know, my brother had a

350
00:28:37.440 --> 00:28:43.319
burst appendix and they he rushed into surgery as an emergency.

351
00:28:44.079 --> 00:28:48.799
He had sepsis and he's fine, he survived and everything,

352
00:28:48.839 --> 00:28:50.319
and he was very allful a while.

353
00:28:51.759 --> 00:28:53.799
But at no.

354
00:28:53.799 --> 00:28:57.359
Point where they didn't ask him, they excuse him. Is

355
00:28:57.400 --> 00:29:03.880
mister Newland junior juicy? I'm just wondering, is that okay

356
00:29:03.880 --> 00:29:06.599
if we remove your appendix or what's left of them.

357
00:29:09.240 --> 00:29:13.599
They didn't. They just took his appendix out because that's

358
00:29:13.599 --> 00:29:15.920
what was necessary. I don't even know if he was

359
00:29:15.960 --> 00:29:18.839
even conscious enough for them to sign, for him to

360
00:29:18.839 --> 00:29:25.759
sign a form or anything like that. I visited him.

361
00:29:25.880 --> 00:29:29.200
Of course, I was a little bit disappointed because there

362
00:29:29.240 --> 00:29:32.240
was no grapes. I suppose I thought they were supposed

363
00:29:32.240 --> 00:29:34.519
to be grapes in the hospital room. Ye had his

364
00:29:34.559 --> 00:29:39.759
own hospital room. How ridiculous is that? Since when does

365
00:29:39.799 --> 00:29:49.440
anyone get their own hospital room? He had his own room.

366
00:29:50.079 --> 00:29:54.759
I don't know how he figured how how I don't know. Anyway, the.

367
00:30:01.839 --> 00:30:04.079
I thought it through and I thought, what my you know,

368
00:30:04.319 --> 00:30:09.359
I kind of thought about what my friend said, and

369
00:30:09.400 --> 00:30:12.319
it did have an effect. It was annoying to start with,

370
00:30:12.720 --> 00:30:16.599
I thought, shut up, we're talking about you don't know

371
00:30:16.680 --> 00:30:21.960
what you liked to be me on different And then

372
00:30:21.960 --> 00:30:26.319
I started thinking, you know what, this is something I've

373
00:30:26.359 --> 00:30:30.400
been going through on and off since I was a

374
00:30:30.400 --> 00:30:32.880
little kid. So it's not a new thing. It's not

375
00:30:33.079 --> 00:30:37.480
you know. The mood swings Now, sometimes you can you

376
00:30:37.519 --> 00:30:42.039
can contribute it to puberty, or you can or adolescence

377
00:30:43.559 --> 00:30:47.000
mood swings. You can contribute it to lots of lots

378
00:30:47.000 --> 00:30:53.079
of different things throughout life and bereavement and stuff that.

379
00:30:53.160 --> 00:30:55.079
You know, there could be lots of different reasons for

380
00:30:55.119 --> 00:31:02.680
people to have issues with their mood or instability with

381
00:31:02.799 --> 00:31:08.559
the mood. But if it's happening all the way through

382
00:31:08.559 --> 00:31:11.799
your life and it's not like it started when I

383
00:31:11.880 --> 00:31:18.559
was twenty or fifteen, I'm talking little. As far back

384
00:31:18.599 --> 00:31:25.160
as I remember, I've had extreme moods all the way back.

385
00:31:27.440 --> 00:31:31.480
I just didn't tell anybody. That's the difference. I didn't

386
00:31:33.039 --> 00:31:37.079
I didn't understand why other people weren't feeling the way

387
00:31:37.119 --> 00:31:40.200
I was feeling. But I also didn't understand why I

388
00:31:40.240 --> 00:31:43.920
wasn't feeling the way other people were feeling, because there'd

389
00:31:43.920 --> 00:31:48.160
be times when everyone was like miserable, and I'd be happy,

390
00:31:48.279 --> 00:31:54.000
and then I'll be sad. I'll be tap dancing and

391
00:31:56.400 --> 00:32:01.200
ruining the funeral. And I wasn't tap dancing on top

392
00:32:01.240 --> 00:32:03.079
of the coffin or anything. But I'm just saying I would,

393
00:32:03.119 --> 00:32:06.480
I'd love it. I wouldn't necessarily tune in to the

394
00:32:06.519 --> 00:32:13.640
event because my mind was doing something different. And I've

395
00:32:13.680 --> 00:32:17.599
been at some of the most wonderful events as far

396
00:32:17.680 --> 00:32:22.680
as like everyone seems to be happy and I'm not

397
00:32:23.119 --> 00:32:27.480
for whatever reason, And there's no reason. It doesn't seem

398
00:32:27.519 --> 00:32:32.799
to be a reason, like there's no logic behind it.

399
00:32:35.519 --> 00:32:46.680
I remember I was at the oh is it what's

400
00:32:46.720 --> 00:32:53.200
his name? It's the biggest motivational speaker in.

401
00:32:53.160 --> 00:33:08.559
The world, World's biggest motivational motive fational speaker, Tony Robbins.

402
00:33:09.240 --> 00:33:11.720
What they got bear grills and next to Tony Robins

403
00:33:12.079 --> 00:33:17.799
and bear grills may be popular, but Tony Robbins, there

404
00:33:17.839 --> 00:33:20.119
is no one as big as Tony Robbins, like as

405
00:33:20.160 --> 00:33:24.400
far as worldwide longevity and all that. Plus he is

406
00:33:24.400 --> 00:33:28.680
probably the tallest man that's ever lived. He's about eight

407
00:33:28.680 --> 00:33:33.559
foot told. Yeah, it's true. So I went to Tony

408
00:33:33.640 --> 00:33:48.400
Robbins thing events in London in two thousand of I

409
00:33:48.440 --> 00:33:51.759
think it was two thousand and five, might have been

410
00:33:51.799 --> 00:33:59.359
two thousand and six. I think it's two thousand and five. Yeah, probably,

411
00:34:00.160 --> 00:34:02.960
maybe it was two thousand and four, might have been.

412
00:34:03.920 --> 00:34:05.599
But I went there and.

413
00:34:07.480 --> 00:34:16.199
I yeah, I think I stayed at my friends because

414
00:34:16.239 --> 00:34:19.280
he got he gave me tickets, so I think I stayed.

415
00:34:18.960 --> 00:34:24.519
With him and I enjoyed it. I did.

416
00:34:25.159 --> 00:34:30.119
I enjoyed it and i'd listened to his recordings, because

417
00:34:30.159 --> 00:34:32.360
that's another thing I've been trying to do since.

418
00:34:33.599 --> 00:34:37.519
For a long long time, is trying trying to.

419
00:34:38.960 --> 00:34:44.119
Increase my motivation, trying to increase my positivity, trying to

420
00:34:44.800 --> 00:34:54.039
go against the grain almost at times, and it doesn't

421
00:34:54.079 --> 00:34:57.360
always work, but I don't I don't give up, so

422
00:34:57.400 --> 00:35:12.119
I keep going. And I couldn't get into the the old.

423
00:35:11.519 --> 00:35:12.599
I don't know what I want.

424
00:35:12.440 --> 00:35:16.480
To call it, the cultiness of it, you know, the

425
00:35:17.119 --> 00:35:19.960
going long because the every now and it said, if

426
00:35:19.960 --> 00:35:23.760
you believe this, say I like, I'm not going to

427
00:35:23.800 --> 00:35:24.800
shout eye.

428
00:35:26.960 --> 00:35:28.800
More than once. That's once.

429
00:35:28.920 --> 00:35:31.920
I'm not going to keep saying it. You're not going

430
00:35:32.000 --> 00:35:34.559
to condition me, mister Robbins. No.

431
00:35:36.559 --> 00:35:40.039
So he is really good. And I've never known anyone that.

432
00:35:40.039 --> 00:35:45.079
Can talk for that long, that fast, for that long.

433
00:35:46.119 --> 00:35:48.039
I mean literally he doesn't take a breath for like

434
00:35:48.320 --> 00:35:51.800
four or five hours. I've never seen that before, not

435
00:35:51.880 --> 00:35:59.880
on stage. And I think because he's naturally talked so fast.

436
00:36:00.360 --> 00:36:02.800
When he decides just to slow things down and talks

437
00:36:02.840 --> 00:36:05.559
a bit slow, I think he's kind of taken a

438
00:36:05.639 --> 00:36:09.760
nap in between sentences. It's just because he's normally so fast.

439
00:36:09.840 --> 00:36:13.880
No one notices it. That's what I'm thinking. He just

440
00:36:13.920 --> 00:36:14.760
switches off and.

441
00:36:14.760 --> 00:36:21.800
Just like and then she said this, I'm your mother.

442
00:36:23.519 --> 00:36:26.280
I don't know. Just whatever he says, the stuff he says.

443
00:36:26.760 --> 00:36:35.480
And it was very A lot of people, there's about

444
00:36:35.519 --> 00:36:40.800
ten thousand people there, very excitable. I'm not a very

445
00:36:40.840 --> 00:36:44.559
excitable person. And I'm not saying it in a good way.

446
00:36:44.719 --> 00:36:55.159
I just some people are very extremely lively and extremely enthusiastic, and.

447
00:36:55.360 --> 00:36:56.519
I wish I was like that.

448
00:36:58.119 --> 00:37:02.400
In a way, no matter how annoying it might be

449
00:37:02.440 --> 00:37:03.079
for other people.

450
00:37:03.440 --> 00:37:05.800
I just it it would be not.

451
00:37:07.519 --> 00:37:10.400
I'm just thinking of a couple of people from the

452
00:37:10.480 --> 00:37:16.079
past that would be so excited about something like it,

453
00:37:16.280 --> 00:37:18.880
Like it's a toilet role holder, welly are you excited

454
00:37:18.920 --> 00:37:23.000
about a toilet role holder? Everyone's got their own thing,

455
00:37:23.039 --> 00:37:30.719
an't they. I think my base level is not too high.

456
00:37:31.000 --> 00:37:37.679
There's a with positive psychology, there's a theory that no

457
00:37:37.719 --> 00:37:41.039
matter what happens in our lives, we kind of have

458
00:37:41.079 --> 00:37:45.039
a base level. Now that base level can be risen up,

459
00:37:46.199 --> 00:37:57.599
you know, with positive thinking, positive affirmations, diary writing, what

460
00:37:57.679 --> 00:38:02.719
other things I'm trying to think, like gratude to journal

461
00:38:02.920 --> 00:38:10.800
things like that. But the general base level is what

462
00:38:10.880 --> 00:38:14.400
we end up going back to, whether no matter how

463
00:38:14.480 --> 00:38:17.960
low we go or how high we go, we have

464
00:38:18.000 --> 00:38:21.480
a tendency of going back to the base level of mood.

465
00:38:23.360 --> 00:38:27.440
And as I said, it can be risen. Some people

466
00:38:27.920 --> 00:38:32.559
just tend to have a higher base level and some

467
00:38:32.599 --> 00:38:36.519
people have a much lower base level. But it's not stuck.

468
00:38:37.000 --> 00:38:39.679
That's something that's the point. It feels stuck, but it's not.

469
00:38:39.960 --> 00:38:42.760
It can it can be moved, but it takes an

470
00:38:42.800 --> 00:38:51.360
effort or extreme stuff in life. But generally the base

471
00:38:51.519 --> 00:38:55.840
level kind of stays where it is if it's left alone.

472
00:38:56.519 --> 00:39:01.519
So for example, someone wins the lottery if they're naturally

473
00:39:02.559 --> 00:39:07.639
maybe not high energy. But I'm not high energy person,

474
00:39:09.159 --> 00:39:17.760
so I'm going to be high energy to a degree.

475
00:39:18.519 --> 00:39:21.719
If I wonder lottery, I would seem high energy in

476
00:39:21.800 --> 00:39:25.960
some ways, but in other ways I would still be

477
00:39:26.119 --> 00:39:33.960
kind of be in touch with that level and the

478
00:39:34.000 --> 00:39:38.039
heightening of Oh I got money, I can do stuff.

479
00:39:38.639 --> 00:39:41.320
I can buy myself as much chocolate as I like,

480
00:39:42.880 --> 00:39:45.280
I can get trousers in need of.

481
00:39:47.800 --> 00:39:48.559
Wigwhams.

482
00:39:49.159 --> 00:39:54.440
That makes no sense, And then are we allowed to

483
00:39:54.440 --> 00:39:55.800
say wigwhams?

484
00:39:56.280 --> 00:39:56.760
I don't know.

485
00:39:58.559 --> 00:40:05.360
I just did, but then I'd end up going to

486
00:40:05.400 --> 00:40:10.760
my base level. Now, if I use that situation correctly

487
00:40:12.079 --> 00:40:23.360
of having money, helping other people, helping myself live in

488
00:40:23.400 --> 00:40:34.159
a nicer lifestyle, traveling, improving my outlook on the world

489
00:40:34.400 --> 00:40:40.039
and life, then my base level is much more likely

490
00:40:40.159 --> 00:40:50.320
to rise up. However slightly. It will rise up, but

491
00:40:50.400 --> 00:40:52.639
it won't stay at that top bit of where I

492
00:40:52.719 --> 00:40:57.800
first won the lottery, because generally, the theory is the

493
00:40:57.920 --> 00:41:01.760
mood goes back down to its general base leg So

494
00:41:01.840 --> 00:41:05.239
if someone's got a high base level where they're generally positive,

495
00:41:07.159 --> 00:41:15.960
when they go really low for whatever reason, generally they

496
00:41:16.000 --> 00:41:19.000
will go back to their base level. So it would

497
00:41:19.000 --> 00:41:22.199
be very difficult, it will hurt and be painful, it

498
00:41:22.199 --> 00:41:25.519
would be uncomfortable, but they will go back to their

499
00:41:25.519 --> 00:41:26.159
base level.

500
00:41:30.400 --> 00:41:34.800
I mean thinking about it for someone like me.

501
00:41:38.639 --> 00:41:41.920
Or someone that walks around, I say walks around. But

502
00:41:42.039 --> 00:41:45.199
someone that lives their life in a much more positive

503
00:41:46.039 --> 00:41:48.800
higher level of I don't want to say high level

504
00:41:48.880 --> 00:41:53.400
of consciousness, but their base level is much more optimistic bright.

505
00:41:54.360 --> 00:42:00.159
It's not being you know, disrupted continuously by their brains.

506
00:42:00.159 --> 00:42:04.159
May is kind of just it's almost it just it

507
00:42:04.280 --> 00:42:09.480
touches the base level, and it's just so when I'm okay,

508
00:42:10.119 --> 00:42:15.199
it's still not great. It's weird, and then it's good,

509
00:42:15.239 --> 00:42:20.119
and then it's really not. But someone's got a higher

510
00:42:20.159 --> 00:42:23.559
base level in their normal life, be a happier person.

511
00:42:24.440 --> 00:42:29.599
But then when things are not good, perhaps it feels

512
00:42:29.639 --> 00:42:31.880
perhaps I'm just thinking off the top of my feet,

513
00:42:32.519 --> 00:42:39.000
perhaps it feels much worse for them because they're not

514
00:42:39.159 --> 00:42:47.639
used to it. They're not used to the low as

515
00:42:47.679 --> 00:42:50.599
opposed to someone that is used to it. I'm used

516
00:42:50.639 --> 00:42:57.679
to it. There's no, it doesn't make me a superhero.

517
00:42:57.800 --> 00:43:02.079
I'm just saying so, I just had to have a

518
00:43:02.159 --> 00:43:02.920
quick break there.

519
00:43:05.320 --> 00:43:16.880
Fiddy was barking, oh like really loud, which means I

520
00:43:16.880 --> 00:43:17.800
don't actually understand.

521
00:43:17.800 --> 00:43:19.960
I don't understand. I don't remember what I was talking about.

522
00:43:22.400 --> 00:43:27.920
Oh oh yeah, base levels.

523
00:43:28.159 --> 00:43:45.039
So anyway, I'm just trying to think, yeah, I don't

524
00:43:45.039 --> 00:43:46.599
know what I was talking about. I was just basically

525
00:43:46.679 --> 00:43:52.039
just jabbering on really just having a yabba jabber, as

526
00:43:52.039 --> 00:43:56.599
it were, a jabberber.

527
00:43:57.159 --> 00:44:04.639
Ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh.

528
00:44:04.719 --> 00:44:12.079
If you're listening on my podcast, maybe visit my YouTube channel.

529
00:44:12.199 --> 00:44:12.840
Just have a look.

530
00:44:13.920 --> 00:44:17.320
If you fancy a laugh because I haven't got to

531
00:44:17.320 --> 00:44:18.360
say anything funny.

532
00:44:18.880 --> 00:44:20.239
Just my face. That should be enough.

533
00:44:21.239 --> 00:44:24.199
Just look at me thinking, wow, how could anyone be

534
00:44:24.280 --> 00:44:28.159
that pink? He must have a lot of light shining

535
00:44:28.159 --> 00:44:28.519
on him.

536
00:44:28.840 --> 00:44:32.840
I don't. It's really weird.

537
00:44:32.920 --> 00:44:35.400
My face is so bright. When I look in the mirror,

538
00:44:35.400 --> 00:44:39.599
I give myself sunburn. There's no make that would makes sense?

539
00:44:39.639 --> 00:44:46.760
Does it? A?

540
00:44:48.440 --> 00:44:49.239
Hello? Fellow?

541
00:44:49.960 --> 00:44:53.440
How are you bo thnn? He's underneath the desk looking

542
00:44:53.480 --> 00:44:55.000
at me. Hello.

543
00:44:55.199 --> 00:44:55.400
Hello.

544
00:44:56.599 --> 00:45:00.880
The reason he was barking is because he's his girlfriend

545
00:45:00.920 --> 00:45:04.880
downstairs who was coming in. Wasn't she his girlfriend who

546
00:45:04.960 --> 00:45:05.920
lives downstairs?

547
00:45:06.119 --> 00:45:15.719
He loves you? Love her? Yes? You do? You love her? You, Viny,

548
00:45:17.440 --> 00:45:18.960
you love her?

549
00:45:20.000 --> 00:45:20.440
Yes?

550
00:45:21.639 --> 00:45:22.760
Okay, I'm back.

551
00:45:25.039 --> 00:45:28.960
If I do make more videos. Oh yeah, there was

552
00:45:28.960 --> 00:45:32.480
a spider downstairs and she was screaming. That's that's why

553
00:45:32.719 --> 00:45:36.719
he was reacting. So I went downstairs and the spider

554
00:45:36.800 --> 00:45:40.679
was on front of her near a door handle, and

555
00:45:40.800 --> 00:45:44.559
she wouldn't go in. So I just I got the

556
00:45:44.599 --> 00:45:50.239
spider and took it outside.

557
00:45:50.519 --> 00:45:51.280
It was quite handy.

558
00:45:51.320 --> 00:45:53.519
I used Vinnie's lead and I put it around his

559
00:45:53.599 --> 00:45:55.960
neck and just you know, dragged it outside.

560
00:45:56.039 --> 00:45:56.719
A huge thing.

561
00:45:56.760 --> 00:45:57.199
It was.

562
00:46:02.039 --> 00:46:04.159
She did say to me, you're not You're not scared

563
00:46:04.159 --> 00:46:06.800
of spiders and said, no, so what you're scared of?

564
00:46:06.840 --> 00:46:07.000
Then?

565
00:46:07.039 --> 00:46:11.679
I said, crocodiles. Let's chance of seeing them on your

566
00:46:11.679 --> 00:46:19.159
doorstep blocking your door handle. I used to get that

567
00:46:19.199 --> 00:46:22.679
when I was I used to take Andre my ferret

568
00:46:22.719 --> 00:46:26.840
into town. That's when I in the days when I

569
00:46:26.880 --> 00:46:30.639
used to go into town and I didn't have him

570
00:46:30.679 --> 00:46:32.519
off the lead. I didn't have him off there. I

571
00:46:32.559 --> 00:46:36.320
didn't have him walking on the lead in town. I'd always,

572
00:46:36.360 --> 00:46:37.880
you know, if it was busy, i'd have him in

573
00:46:37.920 --> 00:46:41.360
my coat, or i'd be holding him, or he'd be

574
00:46:41.480 --> 00:46:44.280
inside my jacket with his little head looking out.

575
00:46:46.559 --> 00:46:47.280
His little face.

576
00:46:48.760 --> 00:46:53.360
And sometimes people would scream like they'd turn a.

577
00:46:53.400 --> 00:46:59.000
Corner aha aha, Like.

578
00:47:01.320 --> 00:47:07.960
I'd understand if I had, I don't know, like a

579
00:47:08.199 --> 00:47:14.000
skateboard with a big shark behind me pulling it along.

580
00:47:15.960 --> 00:47:18.920
Or I'm trying to think, what kind of other animal

581
00:47:21.639 --> 00:47:29.400
is scary to people? A gorilla on skates.

582
00:47:29.039 --> 00:47:31.199
I don't know. I don't know what it has to

583
00:47:31.280 --> 00:47:31.960
have wheels.

584
00:47:32.119 --> 00:47:38.239
I don't know why wheels have to be involved. So

585
00:47:38.360 --> 00:47:41.840
this all started when I started talking about my first

586
00:47:41.920 --> 00:47:48.000
psychiatric review. Now this is two thousand and four. I

587
00:47:48.079 --> 00:47:51.360
waited for eighties and ages and ages for this. I'd

588
00:47:51.400 --> 00:47:59.639
been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety depression, recurring anxiety, recurring depression,

589
00:48:00.159 --> 00:48:05.400
depression disorder of a major depression disorder, clinical depression, you

590
00:48:05.480 --> 00:48:07.960
name it. They just like kept checking all these titles

591
00:48:08.000 --> 00:48:11.440
at me. I felt like a professor at the end

592
00:48:11.440 --> 00:48:17.320
of it. And none of them were useful. To get

593
00:48:17.320 --> 00:48:28.960
a job, though, But however, what was that sound? We

594
00:48:29.079 --> 00:48:30.519
were this sort of faun look.

595
00:48:33.079 --> 00:48:37.039
Hmm. Though.

596
00:48:40.519 --> 00:48:43.599
That week was weird because I think it was on

597
00:48:43.960 --> 00:48:46.920
a Wednsday or a.

598
00:48:48.679 --> 00:48:48.920
Day.

599
00:48:51.920 --> 00:48:58.920
Yeah, I think it was a Tuesday, it was, it

600
00:48:58.960 --> 00:49:05.400
was a day anyway, it was a day during the week. Now,

601
00:49:05.519 --> 00:49:12.199
on the Saturday, I received a letter. I wish I

602
00:49:12.199 --> 00:49:13.840
should have kept it because I could read it to you,

603
00:49:15.119 --> 00:49:22.199
and basically what it said is talking about starting the

604
00:49:22.280 --> 00:49:26.280
new year the same as every other year, and wanted

605
00:49:26.320 --> 00:49:31.039
to do something different this year. And here's my telephone number.

606
00:49:31.159 --> 00:49:34.960
And I was trying to think, what the heck is

607
00:49:35.000 --> 00:49:38.239
this about? So I checked the address and it was

608
00:49:38.280 --> 00:49:47.440
definitely for me, I thought. Now, it turns out I

609
00:49:47.480 --> 00:49:51.440
was probably drunk at the time, but I put an

610
00:49:51.480 --> 00:49:56.440
advert in the lost and like the love Heart section

611
00:49:56.559 --> 00:50:03.039
of the local newspaper. I don't remember doing it. Yeah, anyway,

612
00:50:03.119 --> 00:50:06.480
she replied, I'm guessing. She replied to everyone to be fair.

613
00:50:07.800 --> 00:50:12.199
So we went out I find her up.

614
00:50:14.679 --> 00:50:16.599
She said, you're right.

615
00:50:16.639 --> 00:50:20.239
I said yeah, she said you want to meet up?

616
00:50:20.280 --> 00:50:20.880
And said okay.

617
00:50:20.880 --> 00:50:31.760
Then, because I'd learned having done blind dating, as in okay,

618
00:50:31.800 --> 00:50:34.920
may not blind dates, what's the pen palin or blind

619
00:50:35.000 --> 00:50:43.519
blind dates? The trick is to there's a very fine

620
00:50:43.760 --> 00:50:55.599
line between first speaking to the person and first meeting

621
00:50:55.639 --> 00:50:59.719
the person. There's a there's a very short period. I'm

622
00:50:59.760 --> 00:51:04.800
not but just quite often where if you want it

623
00:51:04.840 --> 00:51:07.960
to go well, you need to kind of make the move.

624
00:51:09.000 --> 00:51:11.239
And sometimes in the past I've left it too long

625
00:51:11.280 --> 00:51:14.559
where I became almost best friends with them on the phone,

626
00:51:14.960 --> 00:51:16.800
hadn't even met them, did know what they looked like.

627
00:51:17.639 --> 00:51:21.760
This is a days before you know, being able to

628
00:51:22.000 --> 00:51:27.679
stream and live cam. And I don't mean live cameras

629
00:51:27.719 --> 00:51:34.719
in chatter bait. I mean live cam as in Facebook,

630
00:51:34.920 --> 00:51:36.840
you know, stream.

631
00:51:36.559 --> 00:51:37.559
And saying hi.

632
00:51:39.239 --> 00:51:39.400
Hi.

633
00:51:43.639 --> 00:51:46.159
I don't know how many dates I would have had

634
00:51:46.199 --> 00:51:52.199
if we had cameras back then, video cameras. I never

635
00:51:52.239 --> 00:51:54.079
did very well on those things, you know, the ones

636
00:51:54.119 --> 00:51:59.239
where like there used to be these things called Rulette.

637
00:52:01.679 --> 00:52:03.519
They did it with voices, and then when the cameras

638
00:52:03.519 --> 00:52:07.840
came out online, probably twenty odd years ago, they had

639
00:52:07.880 --> 00:52:09.800
it and I went on there.

640
00:52:11.519 --> 00:52:12.519
Twenty five years ago.

641
00:52:12.559 --> 00:52:17.320
Probably any picture you'd be on there and it'd be

642
00:52:17.400 --> 00:52:20.920
like it'd be really grainy, but it's still the picture

643
00:52:21.000 --> 00:52:23.719
was good enough, clear enough for them to see that.

644
00:52:23.800 --> 00:52:27.000
They didn't want to talk to me. It's like just

645
00:52:27.039 --> 00:52:32.559
swiped left or right or whatever it is. So yeah,

646
00:52:32.559 --> 00:52:37.199
that didn't really go well. The only time I ever

647
00:52:37.320 --> 00:52:41.320
get any kind of attention from women because I joined

648
00:52:41.320 --> 00:52:42.119
that plenty.

649
00:52:41.800 --> 00:52:46.199
Of fish years ago.

650
00:52:48.000 --> 00:52:56.760
And I was in my thirties at the time, probably

651
00:52:58.280 --> 00:53:04.119
twenty years ago. Probably I don't think I got one

652
00:53:04.159 --> 00:53:09.840
person under fifty that showed any interest in me. And

653
00:53:09.039 --> 00:53:11.519
I don't know if it was just.

654
00:53:13.280 --> 00:53:14.360
Because of how I look.

655
00:53:16.400 --> 00:53:23.239
I don't think I'm particularly photographic. Now you can't see

656
00:53:24.599 --> 00:53:32.840
on camera what I really look like, because I don't

657
00:53:32.840 --> 00:53:35.039
know why, whether the camera seems to hide all my

658
00:53:35.119 --> 00:53:44.199
good looks or my sexiness, my chisel jaw, my long flowing,

659
00:53:45.199 --> 00:53:53.639
dark brown, curly hair, and my perfect vision, tiny little nose.

660
00:53:57.000 --> 00:54:00.920
You know, it's all hidden, it's all hidden on the

661
00:54:01.000 --> 00:54:07.320
camera's all hidden in the camera, and you get.

662
00:54:07.920 --> 00:54:14.599
This this you get me, and it's weird. It's kind

663
00:54:14.599 --> 00:54:19.039
of like a it's a bit fake. Really, it's not real.

664
00:54:20.000 --> 00:54:23.280
But then I don't feel too bad because I've seen

665
00:54:23.719 --> 00:54:30.719
pictures of people and the way that Facebook or on Instagram,

666
00:54:30.920 --> 00:54:37.440
the way that people manipulate the photographs to make them

667
00:54:37.440 --> 00:54:44.159
look like make themselves look completely different, and there doesn't

668
00:54:44.199 --> 00:54:50.239
seem any point in that. For fun, yeah, for fun,

669
00:54:50.719 --> 00:54:55.679
But if it's a dating profile, what's the point in

670
00:54:56.000 --> 00:55:05.679
portraying yourself as looking completely different? And I'm not saying

671
00:55:05.880 --> 00:55:06.280
show you.

672
00:55:10.199 --> 00:55:12.760
Much that all. We should show all our faults straight away.

673
00:55:12.800 --> 00:55:17.440
I mean, you know, you're doing.

674
00:55:17.280 --> 00:55:20.320
A close up so you can see your black heads on.

675
00:55:20.239 --> 00:55:21.880
Your ears or whatever. You know, I don't mean that.

676
00:55:22.079 --> 00:55:32.199
But take a picture of yourself after your eating a

677
00:55:32.280 --> 00:55:34.760
sausage roll with all the bits all over your face

678
00:55:34.880 --> 00:55:40.079
and in between your teeth, and like, yeah, I'm not okay,

679
00:55:40.119 --> 00:55:47.239
that's not perhaps your best picture. But unless you want

680
00:55:47.280 --> 00:55:56.480
to meet someone that likes sausage rolls, the problem is,

681
00:55:57.599 --> 00:55:59.840
so I could make myself look different on a camera

682
00:56:01.159 --> 00:56:03.559
you know, I've got editing software. I've got ways of

683
00:56:03.639 --> 00:56:07.440
changing how I look even in this video if I

684
00:56:07.480 --> 00:56:11.119
wanted to, and I haven't, just so you know, but

685
00:56:11.119 --> 00:56:13.559
if I wanted to, I could make my eyes smaller,

686
00:56:14.199 --> 00:56:17.679
I could make my head smaller. I could change the

687
00:56:17.760 --> 00:56:20.880
color of my skin. I could do all kinds of things.

688
00:56:22.039 --> 00:56:27.559
It's ridiculous what you can do with editing now. But

689
00:56:27.639 --> 00:56:32.880
I'm not going to do any of that. And I

690
00:56:32.920 --> 00:56:35.079
don't know why I'm telling you that I'm not going

691
00:56:35.119 --> 00:56:41.599
to do any of that, Because if this is the

692
00:56:41.679 --> 00:56:47.760
result of me working really hard on editing my face

693
00:56:48.559 --> 00:56:52.880
to look better than what I normally do, then something's

694
00:56:52.880 --> 00:56:56.000
gone wrong, isn't it.

695
00:56:56.599 --> 00:57:04.880
You know what I mean? So how does that work? Though? So?

696
00:57:05.159 --> 00:57:05.880
Do you put on a.

697
00:57:07.480 --> 00:57:14.000
Made up picture looks nothing like you and then you

698
00:57:14.039 --> 00:57:19.079
go on the date? How is that going to work?

699
00:57:19.480 --> 00:57:21.840
You're just going to hope that maybe the other person

700
00:57:21.880 --> 00:57:27.639
has done exactly the same thing so that it doesn't matter.

701
00:57:31.159 --> 00:57:33.679
I don't know, I mean, how would you even know

702
00:57:34.760 --> 00:57:37.039
that you were the same person? Because if you go in, Oh,

703
00:57:37.079 --> 00:57:40.719
I'm going to meet you in Weatherspoons or whatever some

704
00:57:40.800 --> 00:57:43.599
pub and you both have messed.

705
00:57:43.360 --> 00:57:44.400
Up with your.

706
00:57:44.599 --> 00:57:47.719
With your images, so neither of you look how you

707
00:57:47.760 --> 00:57:51.679
really look. And you turn up at this bar full

708
00:57:51.719 --> 00:57:56.960
of people. You're not even going to meet each other

709
00:58:00.039 --> 00:58:02.280
unless you walk up to each other and say Hi,

710
00:58:02.639 --> 00:58:08.400
are you Jucy, JJ, are you? Are you s Seanaana,

711
00:58:08.840 --> 00:58:21.559
Shanna Man mcenroy or whatever. So yeah, hm hm, anyway

712
00:58:21.599 --> 00:58:26.760
to this lady, I realized that she was it was

713
00:58:26.800 --> 00:58:32.920
because of that advert thing that I posted in the

714
00:58:32.960 --> 00:58:38.400
new local newspaper. And she responded, I mean, obviously, needless

715
00:58:38.400 --> 00:58:40.159
to say, my picture wasn't in the newspaper.

716
00:58:42.559 --> 00:58:44.800
And I realized that.

717
00:58:47.800 --> 00:58:49.559
If anything was going to happen, we just have to

718
00:58:49.559 --> 00:58:53.480
make it happen now, you know, soon. So we ended

719
00:58:53.519 --> 00:58:58.920
up meeting I think Monday night. Yeah, it was Monday

720
00:58:59.000 --> 00:59:06.280
night because east Enders was the next day. No, yeah,

721
00:59:06.760 --> 00:59:10.719
whatever day Holby City was on, it was the night

722
00:59:10.760 --> 00:59:14.159
before that, so I think Holby City used to be

723
00:59:14.199 --> 00:59:19.239
on a Tuesday night, unless it was on a Thursday night.

724
00:59:19.400 --> 00:59:35.920
This is two thousand and four January. I think it

725
00:59:35.960 --> 00:59:39.079
was a Tuesday night. Anyway, it doesn't really matter.

726
00:59:39.760 --> 00:59:43.559
So I said to her, you know, what's your best feature?

727
00:59:43.639 --> 00:59:46.239
And she told me. I said, okay, where do you

728
00:59:46.280 --> 00:59:46.679
want to meet.

729
00:59:47.840 --> 00:59:51.840
And she asked me about myself, and I said, I said,

730
00:59:51.840 --> 00:59:52.440
do you want to know anything?

731
00:59:52.440 --> 00:59:53.880
I said, no, no, that's fine, that's what I need

732
00:59:53.920 --> 00:59:59.119
to know. And so we just had a little.

733
00:59:59.000 --> 01:00:02.159
Chat on the phone. She seemed nice, she seemed to

734
01:00:02.280 --> 01:00:03.480
like me. So we met up.

735
01:00:04.480 --> 01:00:07.280
I went to this bar.

736
01:00:07.880 --> 01:00:10.880
She was already in there. I think she might have

737
01:00:10.920 --> 01:00:15.519
been in there a while before I got there. And

738
01:00:17.239 --> 01:00:20.159
I sat down and said hello.

739
01:00:20.480 --> 01:00:23.880
She said, I don't know.

740
01:00:24.039 --> 01:00:27.400
She was particularly excited to see me, but she acknowledged

741
01:00:27.440 --> 01:00:32.000
I existed, So that was a start. Didn't completely ignore me.

742
01:00:32.599 --> 01:00:42.599
That's happened before. That's enough about my wedding. And I

743
01:00:42.760 --> 01:00:43.880
gave her a.

744
01:00:45.280 --> 01:00:53.159
Oh what's it called? What those eggs? Kind of surprise

745
01:00:53.360 --> 01:00:56.639
kinder surprise eggs. I gave her one of those. I said,

746
01:00:57.239 --> 01:00:58.559
there you go, give you.

747
01:00:58.519 --> 01:01:00.920
Something to play with, if something to play with if

748
01:01:00.920 --> 01:01:06.079
you get bored with me, and we laughed.

749
01:01:08.840 --> 01:01:09.639
So we had a drink.

750
01:01:09.679 --> 01:01:12.039
I didn't drink the whole of two thousand and four,

751
01:01:12.159 --> 01:01:15.639
so that intrigued her because she seemed to be enjoying drinking.

752
01:01:18.280 --> 01:01:19.440
And then.

753
01:01:21.239 --> 01:01:24.440
We went to another place, and then we went back

754
01:01:24.480 --> 01:01:28.400
to my place. She wanted to come back to mine.

755
01:01:28.599 --> 01:01:35.239
I didn't expect that. I never expect that. I just

756
01:01:35.320 --> 01:01:38.800
didn't see that coming. I thought it was just going

757
01:01:38.840 --> 01:01:42.280
to be a date and then probably wouldn't see her again,

758
01:01:42.360 --> 01:01:44.159
or maybe I would see her again, but just you know,

759
01:01:44.360 --> 01:01:54.480
I wasn't expecting anything interesting to happen. And at the

760
01:01:54.519 --> 01:01:58.039
time I was living in a YMCA, not in the

761
01:01:58.119 --> 01:02:01.440
hostel park, but in the flats part so studio apartments.

762
01:02:02.400 --> 01:02:08.400
So I did have my own studio apartment. But I

763
01:02:08.480 --> 01:02:16.079
it was messy and there was stuff on the I

764
01:02:16.159 --> 01:02:17.840
just said, just wait here. I went in and I

765
01:02:17.920 --> 01:02:21.920
tried to check everything underneath the bed it was. It

766
01:02:21.960 --> 01:02:25.039
wasn't good. I just didn't know. I didn't think there

767
01:02:25.079 --> 01:02:29.400
was going to be another human in that flat ever,

768
01:02:30.440 --> 01:02:32.440
or that studio thing. I didn't think anyone will ever

769
01:02:32.480 --> 01:02:33.280
go in nextcept me.

770
01:02:35.400 --> 01:02:37.719
So she spent the night.

771
01:02:40.119 --> 01:02:42.880
I had fun. I don't know if she did or not.

772
01:02:46.400 --> 01:02:52.360
The relationship did last one more night, so we spent

773
01:02:52.519 --> 01:02:57.280
the Monday night together, spent the Tuesday night together, and

774
01:02:57.360 --> 01:03:00.280
on the Wednesday. It's a little bit like Craig David's song,

775
01:03:00.400 --> 01:03:05.880
except well it's seven nights or seven days spare the

776
01:03:06.000 --> 01:03:10.119
night on Monday, I spoke. I phoned her up on Sunday.

777
01:03:10.559 --> 01:03:14.599
We went out on Monday, we made love on Monday night,

778
01:03:14.920 --> 01:03:17.920
and then we met up on Tuesday again, and then

779
01:03:17.920 --> 01:03:20.039
Wednesdays she dumped me by text.

780
01:03:21.440 --> 01:03:22.239
I'm not sure how.

781
01:03:22.159 --> 01:03:30.800
Those lyrics would go, but she uh so. The Monday

782
01:03:31.599 --> 01:03:35.880
night was pretty good, so quite a good night. The

783
01:03:35.960 --> 01:03:40.840
Tuesday morning, at eleven o'clock, I had my very first

784
01:03:40.920 --> 01:03:48.639
psychiatric evaluation with two psychologists or psychiatrists, psychologists.

785
01:03:47.920 --> 01:03:56.719
I'm not sure. And they said how are you?

786
01:03:56.760 --> 01:04:01.400
And I said I'm good, and I was smiling because

787
01:04:01.920 --> 01:04:05.000
I'd had a really good time and I was in

788
01:04:05.039 --> 01:04:10.960
a good mood and I was on a waiting list

789
01:04:11.280 --> 01:04:14.599
for ages to see them. But the reason I've been

790
01:04:14.599 --> 01:04:18.400
waiting to see them wasn't how I was feeling in

791
01:04:18.440 --> 01:04:23.599
that moment, and they couldn't understand that. I was trying

792
01:04:23.599 --> 01:04:28.880
to explain to them, I just just had a really

793
01:04:28.920 --> 01:04:32.679
good night's session. I'm not sure how I worded it,

794
01:04:32.719 --> 01:04:34.639
but I was just like, I'm in a good mood

795
01:04:34.679 --> 01:04:35.119
because of that.

796
01:04:35.679 --> 01:04:36.519
Trust me, this is.

797
01:04:36.519 --> 01:04:38.960
Not my normal, this is not what I'm normally like.

798
01:04:39.039 --> 01:04:41.800
I'm just still buzzing from that because I got to

799
01:04:41.880 --> 01:04:48.159
hold someone's hand. She'd let me touch her leg, her ankle, oh,

800
01:04:48.320 --> 01:04:57.880
you know, and they didn't get it. There's like, oh,

801
01:04:59.360 --> 01:05:03.480
they decided they went outside, not outside in the cold,

802
01:05:03.519 --> 01:05:06.800
but they went into a different room.

803
01:05:06.199 --> 01:05:08.760
Or into the hallway. I don't know. I wasn't looking

804
01:05:08.760 --> 01:05:09.559
through the keyhole.

805
01:05:11.360 --> 01:05:15.639
They were in the hallway, and they decided that I

806
01:05:15.760 --> 01:05:18.760
was okay, there's nothing wrong with me, didn't need any

807
01:05:18.760 --> 01:05:22.519
help because I was in a good mood on that day.

808
01:05:28.079 --> 01:05:30.519
Now at the time, bear in mind, this is two

809
01:05:30.559 --> 01:05:37.000
thousand and four, I'd had.

810
01:05:36.639 --> 01:05:37.920
Over a year of.

811
01:05:40.159 --> 01:05:43.960
Really I mean, I'd lost my job, lost you know,

812
01:05:44.079 --> 01:05:47.480
got into debt loads of things because of my situation.

813
01:05:48.639 --> 01:05:51.480
And they weren't taking me seriously because I wasn't taking

814
01:05:51.519 --> 01:05:56.719
myself seriously, because I was struggling to take myself seriously

815
01:05:56.800 --> 01:06:04.519
because I'd had a really nice time and I wasn't over.

816
01:06:05.800 --> 01:06:08.599
I wasn't drinking or anything like that, so I wasn't hungover.

817
01:06:10.960 --> 01:06:17.519
I was just buzzing from I guess, a different type

818
01:06:17.559 --> 01:06:25.920
of stimulation. So instead of my brain stimulating me in

819
01:06:26.000 --> 01:06:30.639
ways I didn't want it to, my brain was being

820
01:06:30.679 --> 01:06:34.239
stimulated I was going to say manually, but That's probably

821
01:06:34.239 --> 01:06:35.960
not a good way to put it, is it. But

822
01:06:36.039 --> 01:06:41.000
it was like more naturally, you know, it was kind

823
01:06:41.000 --> 01:06:46.719
of a nice kind of thing. I don't know how

824
01:06:46.800 --> 01:06:52.239
to really verbalize it, but they didn't take it seriously.

825
01:06:53.599 --> 01:06:56.559
The fact that I was grinning and smiling and laughing

826
01:06:57.800 --> 01:07:07.320
probably didn't help. That's the thing, isn't it. I think

827
01:07:07.360 --> 01:07:15.760
you can't. Yeah, And then so I go through the

828
01:07:15.800 --> 01:07:23.159
next how many years? So yeah, I go through the

829
01:07:23.159 --> 01:07:27.119
next six years.

830
01:07:27.599 --> 01:07:31.639
Of it's ridiculous.

831
01:07:31.800 --> 01:07:38.360
It's like, yeah, losing jobs and all kinds of things

832
01:07:38.360 --> 01:07:47.840
because of my mood stuff. And it took a doctor.

833
01:07:49.159 --> 01:07:49.440
Again.

834
01:07:49.559 --> 01:07:54.519
This was twenty eleven in I don't know if it

835
01:07:54.519 --> 01:07:55.840
was August, maybe it was July.

836
01:07:57.440 --> 01:07:58.280
I went to a doctor.

837
01:07:58.360 --> 01:08:00.920
This is when I realized that because I'd gone from

838
01:08:00.960 --> 01:08:11.360
being up to not being up, and this doctor wasn't

839
01:08:11.360 --> 01:08:15.400
my regular doctor. She I think my regular doctor was.

840
01:08:16.760 --> 01:08:19.760
I got an emergency appointment, so my regular doctor couldn't

841
01:08:19.800 --> 01:08:26.079
see me. So and this doctor I'd not seen before.

842
01:08:27.760 --> 01:08:30.239
She looked back at my files and she saw that

843
01:08:30.319 --> 01:08:39.359
I'd been on medication since ninety five, and all the

844
01:08:39.359 --> 01:08:41.720
different things that have been on my record, on my

845
01:08:42.079 --> 01:08:47.159
you know, on my file and all that stuff, just

846
01:08:47.199 --> 01:08:50.600
bang my microphone. And she said, if you had, if

847
01:08:50.600 --> 01:08:53.439
you had a psychiatric ever being referred, And I said, yeah,

848
01:08:53.479 --> 01:08:56.239
I've got referred two thousand and four. But I got

849
01:08:56.279 --> 01:08:58.199
laid that night before and I was just in a

850
01:08:58.239 --> 01:09:03.800
good mood. She aft, and I said, I wasn't really

851
01:09:03.840 --> 01:09:07.720
representing myself very well. She said, well, in future, when

852
01:09:07.720 --> 01:09:11.159
you're with a doctor, maybe don't mention getting laid. I said, okay,

853
01:09:11.880 --> 01:09:13.359
do you feel like I should have said something different

854
01:09:13.359 --> 01:09:15.640
to them? She said, I'm talking about me. Shouldn't have

855
01:09:15.680 --> 01:09:23.760
said it to me now, So okay, ooh, and I

856
01:09:23.880 --> 01:09:26.039
still got the letter. I did have the letter. I'm

857
01:09:26.079 --> 01:09:30.079
not sure if I got it now somewhere She said,

858
01:09:30.119 --> 01:09:36.199
I'm going to refer you to a psychiatrist. I said, okay,

859
01:09:37.960 --> 01:09:41.840
And so to get a diagnosis, because she said that

860
01:09:43.439 --> 01:09:49.039
you need a proper session, proper be taken seriously, because

861
01:09:49.039 --> 01:09:51.960
this is just happening too much, and she's been going

862
01:09:51.960 --> 01:09:56.880
on for too long. So I that's what happened. So

863
01:09:56.920 --> 01:09:59.399
I was on put on antidepressants, and then I went

864
01:09:59.439 --> 01:10:05.439
to the psychiatrists at the beginning of Somber twenty eleven,

865
01:10:06.720 --> 01:10:14.479
and after quite a long time dissecting my life, going

866
01:10:14.520 --> 01:10:20.720
back over stuff and also looking at my medical history.

867
01:10:21.880 --> 01:10:30.640
I was diagnosed with bipolar effective disorder and put on medication,

868
01:10:32.199 --> 01:10:41.399
which I took for a few days and then stopped.

869
01:10:44.319 --> 01:10:45.920
I still took the end of the persons, but I

870
01:10:45.920 --> 01:10:50.880
didn't take the the antipsychotic stuff.

871
01:10:53.119 --> 01:10:54.039
And then.

872
01:10:56.600 --> 01:11:04.800
Twenty twelve, when by still all over the place, twenty thirteen,

873
01:11:06.319 --> 01:11:09.439
I was still on the antidepress now I stopped taking

874
01:11:09.439 --> 01:11:11.960
the antidepressants. Twenty thirteen.

875
01:11:12.520 --> 01:11:16.119
I went back on antidepressants.

876
01:11:15.800 --> 01:11:26.920
In the springtime, and then about August September, I couldn't

877
01:11:26.920 --> 01:11:28.039
go back to work anymore.

878
01:11:28.079 --> 01:11:28.880
I had just.

879
01:11:30.960 --> 01:11:35.880
Couldn't do it, And eventually I was referred to see

880
01:11:35.920 --> 01:11:47.199
a psychiatrist again. This time I saw four different psychiatrists interviewed,

881
01:11:47.720 --> 01:11:49.600
and I think one was twice and the other two,

882
01:11:49.680 --> 01:11:53.399
so two different, three different psychiatrists. One I saw twice

883
01:11:53.600 --> 01:11:56.359
and I saw another one and this was like over

884
01:11:56.439 --> 01:12:12.319
a probably every two weeks, and they decided that I

885
01:12:12.479 --> 01:12:20.359
had bipolar effective disorder. So I was re re not reassigned,

886
01:12:20.359 --> 01:12:21.279
and that sounds the wrong.

887
01:12:21.079 --> 01:12:21.600
Word, isn't it.

888
01:12:21.920 --> 01:12:24.319
I was rediagnosed with what I'd already proved is to

889
01:12:24.439 --> 01:12:30.680
being diagnosed as with anxiety and stuff, and so I

890
01:12:30.720 --> 01:12:35.800
started having I started going in having psychotherapy, so I

891
01:12:35.800 --> 01:12:36.159
was on a.

892
01:12:36.119 --> 01:12:37.000
Waiting list for that.

893
01:12:37.399 --> 01:12:41.520
I was put on medication for the mood stabilizers for

894
01:12:41.560 --> 01:12:53.640
the bipolar and still took the antidepressants as well, and then.

895
01:12:54.920 --> 01:12:57.199
I didn't know right I was.

896
01:12:57.319 --> 01:13:01.199
I had psychotherapy for over a year year and a

897
01:13:01.239 --> 01:13:07.199
half think I was finally released two thousand and seventeen

898
01:13:07.319 --> 01:13:12.520
or was it twenty eighteen, So from two thousand and

899
01:13:13.000 --> 01:13:19.960
thirteen for five years really, so from beginning to them

900
01:13:20.039 --> 01:13:22.720
releasing me, it was a five year period. It wasn't

901
01:13:22.760 --> 01:13:24.680
like all the time for five years, and I wasn't

902
01:13:24.760 --> 01:13:28.000
hospitalized or anything, but it was a five year period

903
01:13:28.039 --> 01:13:31.399
when I went to the bipolar group and you know,

904
01:13:31.439 --> 01:13:34.800
all different things. And eventually after five years I was

905
01:13:35.439 --> 01:13:44.720
released released from my contract and my psychotherapist. First of all,

906
01:13:45.159 --> 01:13:48.439
I went to see her and then she started coming here,

907
01:13:51.000 --> 01:13:52.760
it's my psychologist.

908
01:13:52.279 --> 01:13:56.279
And we were doing I didn't know what. I didn't

909
01:13:56.319 --> 01:13:57.159
know what we were doing.

910
01:13:59.479 --> 01:14:02.399
And she said something to me once because I said,

911
01:14:02.720 --> 01:14:05.600
I don't know what it was. I said to her

912
01:14:06.800 --> 01:14:09.399
it was like a question, I don't understand this understand

913
01:14:09.399 --> 01:14:13.319
why this happens. I said, I don't know why I'm

914
01:14:13.399 --> 01:14:15.359
like this. I was sitting over there at the table.

915
01:14:15.479 --> 01:14:17.720
She was sitting the opposite at the table, and I

916
01:14:17.760 --> 01:14:21.279
had Andre running around trying to get inside a purse.

917
01:14:22.800 --> 01:14:24.880
He was literally inside her handbag at some point.

918
01:14:25.560 --> 01:14:30.279
It was funny. She didn't laugh. I did, and.

919
01:14:31.600 --> 01:14:33.600
I said, I don't understand that, and she said, well,

920
01:14:34.279 --> 01:14:38.600
it's probably just it's because of the part of the

921
01:14:38.640 --> 01:14:47.760
personality disorder. I said, what, So this was twenty fifteen, right,

922
01:14:49.880 --> 01:14:52.560
No one said anything to me about having a personality disorder.

923
01:14:53.399 --> 01:14:55.880
I knew about the bipolar. They told me bipolar. I'd

924
01:14:55.920 --> 01:15:02.520
already been diagnosed before bipolar. Okay, no one mentioned personality disorder,

925
01:15:02.840 --> 01:15:06.079
but they diagnosed me and not even told me that

926
01:15:06.199 --> 01:15:13.000
was my official diagnosis medically. Yeah, And I was upset

927
01:15:13.199 --> 01:15:19.359
because it it tapped into something separate, which I do

928
01:15:19.439 --> 01:15:20.119
not want to go into.

929
01:15:20.159 --> 01:15:28.520
But it was really weird.

930
01:15:29.840 --> 01:15:34.279
So I suppose really I wasn't probably diagnosed with bipolar,

931
01:15:34.319 --> 01:15:39.359
probably till two thousand. No, it's twenty thirteen. The end

932
01:15:39.359 --> 01:15:43.000
of twenty thirteen, I suppose, So it's over a year

933
01:15:43.000 --> 01:15:45.720
and a half before I even heard about the borderline

934
01:15:45.760 --> 01:15:55.199
personality like emotionally unstable borderline personality disorder EUPDP. Are you

935
01:15:56.159 --> 01:15:58.960
emotionally unstable personality disorder?

936
01:16:00.079 --> 01:16:05.840
If okay, I've got to look this up.

937
01:16:11.680 --> 01:16:24.279
EUPD with with there's different things that comes with it

938
01:16:24.319 --> 01:16:42.840
can come with, Okay, emotional unstowed personality disorder. It affects

939
01:16:42.880 --> 01:16:48.720
only one percent of the population. It's common for EUPD

940
01:16:48.840 --> 01:16:54.840
to coexist with other psychological health conditions, eg. Depression and

941
01:16:55.239 --> 01:16:59.840
other anxiety and stuff. The cause used includes both in

942
01:17:00.159 --> 01:17:04.880
genetic and environmental with a history of childhood stuff.

943
01:17:12.680 --> 01:17:13.680
So DBT.

944
01:17:14.479 --> 01:17:17.520
What my psychologist was coming around to do with me

945
01:17:17.760 --> 01:17:21.479
was DBT called dialectical behavioral therapy.

946
01:17:23.760 --> 01:17:28.920
I didn't know that. I didn't know.

947
01:17:30.520 --> 01:17:35.920
So she was really there more for them personality disorder

948
01:17:36.359 --> 01:17:43.600
than for the bipolar. I mean, with bipolar there's coping strategies,

949
01:17:46.520 --> 01:17:50.079
there's yeah, there's an overlap, but the whole what's going

950
01:17:50.119 --> 01:17:58.159
on here some of the symptoms intense fluctuating emotions with

951
01:17:58.399 --> 01:18:01.960
mood changes out at hour or day to day tack

952
01:18:03.319 --> 01:18:08.600
relationships are difficulty maintaining stable relationships. I don't even don't

953
01:18:08.600 --> 01:18:16.680
even try to anymore. Impulsivity, yeah, apparently that's what I

954
01:18:16.760 --> 01:18:25.000
minus is EUBD with impulsivity, and I think I'll have.

955
01:18:24.920 --> 01:18:25.520
To look it up.

956
01:18:25.600 --> 01:18:34.920
But yeah, it's it's really weird to see something just

957
01:18:35.039 --> 01:18:35.960
like it explained you.

958
01:18:36.239 --> 01:18:37.279
It's very strange.

959
01:18:38.279 --> 01:18:42.359
But there's also the the bipolar as well, so it's

960
01:18:42.439 --> 01:18:47.479
kind of it's both of them. I don't know why

961
01:18:47.520 --> 01:18:51.039
I'm talking about this today, because this isn't really let

962
01:18:51.079 --> 01:18:52.279
me boy to sleep.

963
01:18:54.680 --> 01:18:55.159
Proper.

964
01:18:55.960 --> 01:18:58.960
Really, Vinny, are you really going to be making noises

965
01:18:59.039 --> 01:18:59.279
like that?

966
01:19:00.880 --> 01:19:02.319
This isn't really.

967
01:19:04.399 --> 01:19:08.960
Maybe I'm just going to call it talking about bipolar.

968
01:19:10.159 --> 01:19:11.720
And b DP eup D.

969
01:19:13.079 --> 01:19:16.920
I don't know, talking about being mental. I suppose I

970
01:19:16.920 --> 01:19:18.000
could put that down.

971
01:19:20.960 --> 01:19:24.079
How mental am I?

972
01:19:24.079 --> 01:19:27.319
I don't know it's I don't know what the title

973
01:19:27.359 --> 01:19:31.039
could be, but yeah, I thought it just it just

974
01:19:31.039 --> 01:19:34.920
seems to be what I've talked about. I don't ever

975
01:19:35.159 --> 01:19:42.000
really plan what I'm going to talk about, but I

976
01:19:42.039 --> 01:19:44.079
guess if I put it in the title, then people

977
01:19:44.119 --> 01:19:48.920
are going to know it makes sense, doesn't it It

978
01:19:49.039 --> 01:19:56.960
makes a sense to me. I've got a very iffy

979
01:19:57.079 --> 01:20:05.039
fart building up. It's a confusing part, you know, I'm

980
01:20:05.039 --> 01:20:12.960
not sure if it's safe or not, and I literally

981
01:20:13.039 --> 01:20:16.840
just had a shower a few weeks ago, So I

982
01:20:16.880 --> 01:20:21.359
don't want to I don't want to make him. I

983
01:20:21.399 --> 01:20:30.119
don't want to make a miss wow, oh dear. So Yeah,

984
01:20:30.279 --> 01:20:32.199
I just I don't know why I'm talking about this.

985
01:20:35.079 --> 01:20:43.039
I don't know why I'm talking about this. I don't

986
01:20:43.119 --> 01:20:47.000
know why I'm talking so much crab.

987
01:20:51.279 --> 01:20:51.840
So that's it.

988
01:20:51.840 --> 01:20:56.319
Really, I'm just just chatting about I suppose because I've

989
01:20:56.359 --> 01:20:58.279
been Yeah, I've been going through it a little bit,

990
01:20:58.319 --> 01:21:03.520
and I suppose I kind of would like to kind

991
01:21:03.560 --> 01:21:07.399
of explain a little bit about what it's like from

992
01:21:07.439 --> 01:21:11.159
my perspective. I don't think I have, really, I don't

993
01:21:11.199 --> 01:21:14.319
think I've particularly delved too deeply.

994
01:21:18.800 --> 01:21:25.479
I've touched the surface. But I don't know. I didn't

995
01:21:25.520 --> 01:21:30.760
expect a therapy session. Nobody expects a therapy session. I

996
01:21:30.760 --> 01:21:31.119
don't know.

997
01:21:35.720 --> 01:21:39.199
I might have a cornetto. I know it's not perhaps

998
01:21:39.239 --> 01:21:42.840
relevant to what we're talking about, but I suddenly got

999
01:21:42.880 --> 01:21:48.600
the urge, the urge to purge on cornetto's.

1000
01:21:51.479 --> 01:21:52.079
So that's it.

1001
01:21:52.439 --> 01:21:57.239
I'm going to go, thank you for listening, and remember

1002
01:21:58.600 --> 01:22:00.880
to be kind to yourself because you do deserve to

1003
01:22:00.920 --> 01:22:05.399
be happy and be gentle with yourself. You deserve to

1004
01:22:05.399 --> 01:22:11.920
feel safe. Lots of love, Bye,