Sept. 21, 2025

(music) Discussing My Bipolar & EUPD – LMBYTS#1435

(music) Discussing My Bipolar & EUPD – LMBYTS#1435

🎙️ Discussing My Bipolar & EUPD – LMBYTS#1435 ⏱️ Duration: 1 hour, 22 minutes 📅 Recorded on: 20 September 2025 🧠 Topic: Deep personal reflection on mental health, especially bipolar disorder and EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) 🧵...

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🎙️ Discussing My Bipolar & EUPD – LMBYTS#1435
⏱️ Duration: 1 hour, 22 minutes
📅 Recorded on: 20 September 2025
🧠 Topic: Deep personal reflection on mental health, especially bipolar disorder and EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) 🧵 OVERVIEW This episode of Let Me Bore You To Sleep is a raw, meandering, yet heartfelt monologue where Jason Newland reflects on recent tech struggles with his podcast, then opens up about his personal experiences with bipolar disorder and EUPD. It evolves from a casual update into a deep dive into the complexities of living with fluctuating mental health. He discusses diagnosis, therapy, medication, and how others have misunderstood his journey. There's also a lot of self-deprecating humor, honesty, and vulnerability throughout. 🧩 STRUCTURED SUMMARY ⛓️ Part 1: Podcast & Website Woes (~0:00–9:00)

  • Jason is frustrated about recent problems with Apple Podcasts, which drastically dropped his listenership stats.
  • He shares that he’s been working hard to fix the issue and reorganize his website, letmeboreyoutosleep.com.
  • He’s visibly tired and emotionally drained by the tech issues but reassures listeners that things are working again.
  • Shout-outs to new Facebook group members, Karen and Kaylee.
🧠 Part 2: Mental Health Journey Begins (~9:00–18:00)
  • Jason discusses a recent GP phone appointment, which resulted in a referral to a mental health nurse and an increase in his medication.
  • Humorously notes that he may become even “slower and more boring” with the new dosage.
  • Reflects on past manic behavior from 2011 and being diagnosed with bipolar disorder later that year.
  • Talks about how his mood swings began in childhood and shares prior experiences with antidepressants and anxiety from as far back as 1995.
💊 Part 3: Medication Stigma & Acceptance (~18:00–27:00)
  • Shares a story about a friend at a Buddhist center who encouraged him to accept medication as part of wellness, despite Jason’s initial resistance.
  • Uses a humorous appendix analogy to emphasize that you don’t refuse treatment for physical illness—so why for mental health?
  • Admits that past judgment from others made him hesitant about long-term medication use.
🧍♂️ Part 4: EUPD & Dual Diagnosis (~27:00–42:00)
  • Delves into the co-diagnosis of EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) and bipolar.
  • Shocked to learn of the EUPD diagnosis years after therapy began.
  • Recalls a 5-year treatment period that included:
    • DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy)
    • Group therapy
    • Psychotherapy at home
  • Shares how mood instability, impulsivity, and difficulty with relationships are key EUPD symptoms he relates to.
🎭 Part 5: Humor, Dating, and Disguises (~42:00–59:00)
  • Veers into lighthearted stories:
    • Taking his ferret Andre into town.
    • Online dating and profile pictures.
    • Hilariously cynical commentary on filtered dating profile photos and photo manipulation.
  • Recounts a short-lived romantic encounter that ended just before a critical psychiatric evaluation, which ironically led professionals to think he was “fine” due to being in a good mood.
⚖️ Part 6: Bipolar Diagnosis – The Real One (~59:00–1:10:00)
  • Shares how in 2011, a new doctor finally took him seriously and referred him for proper diagnosis.
  • Officially diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder (again) in December 2011.
  • Talks about years of ups and downs, job loss, and therapy.
  • Begins understanding his pattern of mood cycles and their impact on life and relationships.
📚 Part 7: Final Thoughts – Acceptance & Awareness (~1:10:00–1:22:00)
  • He explores how both bipolar and EUPD explain so much of his lived experience.
  • Researches EUPD symptoms live during the recording (fluctuating emotions, impulsivity, relationship challenges).
  • Notes that DBT was the key therapy used during treatment—but he hadn’t known that at the time.
  • Reflects on how some people’s moods bounce back quickly, while others (like him) have longer, deeper troughs and spikes.
  • Ends on a gentle note: encourages listeners to be kind to themselves, feel safe, and allow themselves happiness.
  • Mentions the possible reward of a Cornetto. 🍦😄
💬 KEY THEMES & TAKEAWAYSTheme Insight Mental health stigma Jason illustrates the long journey of confronting others’ opinions about medication and mental illness. Dual diagnosis His story highlights the complexity of having both bipolar and EUPD—conditions that can overlap but require distinct approaches. Self-awareness & humor Jason’s ability to talk honestly while keeping it light with jokes and analogies makes this reflection accessible. Therapy & treatment DBT, medication, and long-term psychotherapy played huge roles in stabilizing his life. Loneliness & connection Undercurrent of seeking human connection, acceptance, and the ongoing tension between vulnerability and protection.

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WEBVTT

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Welcome to Let Me Boy to Sleep. My name is

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Jason Newland. Please only listen when you can safely close

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your eyes. And uh, my website is Jason Newland. No, no,

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my website is let Me Boy to Sleep. Yeah dot com.

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Don't ask. Let's just.

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I made some changes. Not all changes go smoothly. I

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have discovered, for example, it's going to open my laptop.

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Now I've got that shining in my face.

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Okay, so.

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I've had a lot of problems with my Apple podcasts

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the last few days. I think it's now sorted. I

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pay it's now sorted, but it's taken quite a lot

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of effort to get it done. Yeah, so hopefully it's

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all done. I'd say all done, and it's never going

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to be complete, but.

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I hope it's done, as in working correctly.

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Please please, please, please please, because the stats were ridiculous.

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Yesterday.

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I mean, honestly, two hundred and sixty three downloads of

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my podcasts.

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Two hundred and sixty three in one day.

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Now, you know, it can go down quite low sometimes

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if I haven't recorded anything for a week or two

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weeks or something like that. But bearing in mind i'd

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recorded one on Monday, Tuesday and Friday, so it wasn't

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really unless the recordings, which is really bad, really bad.

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So I need to get these lights sorted out so

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I don't like the light shining in my face. I

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know the picture isn't great. I'm doing this on YouTube.

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It's very windy, very very windy. I don't know why

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I'm doing it on YouTube. So what I've been doing

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is I've been trying to organize my website, let meboydsleep

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dot com so that I just wanted to get everything

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kind of back to normal. And I'll be honest, I'm

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not sure. I don't know what normal is anymore.

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So what is this I look at today?

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It is Today's the twentieth of September two thy twenty five,

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and so Apple Podcasts is now back now eventually, I

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got it back by about lunchtime ish, so it's been

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about six hours and it seems to be kind of

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getting back to normal again ish, but I know how

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difficult it can be.

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All right. Yeah, I'm seeing that some of.

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The people that the places that normally listen are still

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listening again. That's good, but I'll give you an example,

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like yesterday's let Me brought this sleep, which was Q

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and A Friday. I looked at the stats this morning

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and I think I had three listens to the ten

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hour version with music, or six listens.

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SIS yesterday. This was this morning, you know.

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I mean, I'm not getting millions a day normally, but

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six listens, and when I upload I would get that

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in the first few minutes. It's so yeah, it's very strange.

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Even on SoundCloud. If I uploaded a recording, what are

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you doing?

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Oops?

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Something went wrong? Okay, so SoundCloud's not working for some reason.

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M oh now it is all right. So as soon

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as I.

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Upload something to SoundCloud pretty much you know, get a

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few listens sort of straight away within minutes of doing it.

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With spreaker, that stats take about an.

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Hour or so, maybe two hours to show up. So

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whatever I've got now, you can add a few hundred

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onto it. So by six forty five in the evening now,

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so by midnight it's going to be maybe not double,

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but it's going to be getting onto sort of double.

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What it is.

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If it's like a standard day days, which I'm not

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sure what a stap what is a standard day? How

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new is really boxing on tonight? I do know I'm

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not sure, so yeah, I'll get rid of that SoundCloud.

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A little message to Sebastian, and then that was Sebastian.

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I'm just trying to think, because this is like Saturday summary.

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I made a lot of changes and I think I

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got a little bit carried away, and I had a

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lot of messages on Facebook telling me that basically the

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new recordings are not shown themselves.

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And it just got a little bit like, oh, what

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do I do? What do I do?

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So I did post this eight hours ago, hopefully fixed

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the Apple podcast issue. So it must have been about

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eleven o'clock.

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This morning.

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It's getting it's it's strained me a little bit drained.

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And I've got a new.

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Person joined Jason Newlands boring group on Facebook, and so

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i'd like to say hello to Kaylee, Hi, Kayley, and

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also yesterday Karen, Hi Karen, So welcome to Karen and Kayley.

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Welcome. And if you'd like to join Jason.

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Newland's boring group, then just please go to Facebook or

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if you go to my website, let me borrow you

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to sleep dot com.

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There's a there's a message, it's.

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Basically a link at the top Facebook group and you

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can go there and just.

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Join.

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So I've had messages from people telling me that it's

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successful now and everything's.

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Up to date. All the old stuff now plays again.

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So yeah, that was a weird face I just made

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on a computer screen camera.

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Roh. So I spoke to the I spoke, I spoke

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to my GP.

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I had a doctor's appointment on the phone on Thursday,

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after having spoken to the mental health nurse a month ago,

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and then having spoken to the doctor's surgery a week ago,

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and then I got to the doctor's called me on

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Thursday morning and has referred me to the mental health team,

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and the mental health nurse is going to contact me

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on the thirtieth of September.

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I think, I think something like that.

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So yeah, I get that the doctor increased my medication, so.

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I might become.

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Even slower than I already am, even slower just when

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you thought that I couldn't get any slower and any

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more boring. And it might be the medication that makes

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me boring. Maybe if I didn't take my medication, I

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wouldn't be boring in slow and I would be talking

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oh so quickly. See, you can't get to see me

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what I was like in a kind of a Manichy

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phase because all those videos were lost. But there was

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a little phase, a little phase back in two thousand

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and eleven, probably looking at summertime, and I was definitely

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I was laughing at things that weren't even funny. Really,

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it was weird. I was a little bit a hyper,

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a little bit, and I did some stuff on camera

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because I was.

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Making regular vlogs back then.

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On YouTube. My cousin contacted me and said, I'm worried

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about you because there's some of the things I was

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saying and doing on there. So yeah, and that was

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shortly before I was Yeah, that was in the summer,

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and then December I was diagnosed with bipolar for the

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first time, for the first time.

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I do remember. I actually had.

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A a review, a psychiatric review back in two thousand

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and four. So I was having severe anxiety between November

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two thousand and three. It lasted for years, but luckily

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it reduced sort of during two thousand and four, reduced

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a bit two thousand and five, two thousand and six,

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it was almost kind of sorted, not sorted, but like

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it wasn't seemingly all the time, And that's part of the

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reason why I started doing audios and videos to try

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and help calm people down, calm the mind, perhaps a distraction,

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maybe just a calming voice to listen to, which is

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kind of what I needed for myself.

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Anyway.

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I waited for months for this psychiatric review. I was

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initially I'm talking about mental health here, so I should say,

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don't listen to this if you don't want to hear

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about my mental health stuff. I'm not going to go

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into any juicy details or anything like that.

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I'm just going to sort of.

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I'm not going to talk about it too much, although

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there's some stuff I'd like to say, but I won't.

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I won't shall I I would.

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Like to quite like to, quite like to make a

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video or recording where I open up about some of

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the more personal aspects of my life in the past

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and even now, but it doesn't necessarily fit together with

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the lighted the lightheartedness or the lightness of what these

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recordings are supposed to be. So I don't really get

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into heavy conversations. Really, I talk about factual stuff. You know,

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I've seen a doctor, I'm seeing a mental health nurse

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or whatever. I'm not going to go into any more

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detail than that.

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Really, it's just I give you.

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An update on what's going on in my life.

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That's part of what this is.

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And so this is kind of a I suppose, quite

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a funny story, not funny, but you know, kind of funny,

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but also a little.

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Bit sad, a little bit sad. So what happened is.

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I was first and when I first started going to

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the doctors, because I've been on I was on antidepressants

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nineteen ninety five. That's the first time for anxiety and depression.

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So and then I was on them again in I

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think probably ninety six, then again end of ninety seven,

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and then probably nothing until two thousand and two November.

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So I went quite quite a few years. I didn't

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I don't think I had any medication, but I might

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be wrong. It's hard to remember, but back then i'd

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take it and I didn't like it, and i'd stop

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taking it. I also had two friends that were very

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I wouldn't say unsupportive, but judgmental because they didn't understand.

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I had one friend saying to me basically, it wasn't

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saying that I was weak because I was on medication,

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but as kind of what I took from the conversation

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so my response was, well, stuff the medication, I'll stop.

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Taking it then, or maybe.

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The person said that I well, I felt that they

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were saying that I was relying upon it. And you know,

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medication shouldn't be taken long term. Well, what do you

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do for a long term medical condition, then, my dear,

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what I'm I supposed to do? Bipolar EUPD. Bipolar is

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not a short term thing. You don't just take medication

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when you're feeling bad or take medication. You know, when

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you're too high, you can't just take medication to like

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bring you down. And when you're feeling too low, you

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can't take medication just to bring you up. It'd be

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nice if I could, and then on those days one

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kind of average, i'd be just wouldn't take anything. I'd

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love that, just pop a pill and then I'm fine.

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But because of.

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The nature of it, it's a daily routine to keep

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those levels of serotonin and balance in my brain. I

208
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don't want to be on medication. But you know what,

209
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I had a friend and I used to know at

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the Buddhist Center and he said something to me that

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was really He's part of the reason I think I

212
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wanted to go and visit Thailand because he loved the East.

213
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He traveled all over Vietnam. I'm trying to think of

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different countries, but that whole kind of area. He just

215
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loved it. And he kept telling me the people there

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are so nice, so friendly. He said, you never, you

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won't understand it unless you go there. You need to

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see for yourself how lovely the people are when you

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go to you know, Vietnam. I can only think of

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Vietnam and Thailand, and there's lots of other countries in

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that area. I just can't think of any Canada.

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I don't know, but he said he said something to me,

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and I.

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Remember I was at the bottom behind the count the

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Buddhist center. There was like a cabin. It was an

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actual building structure and we would uce it classes like

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meditation classes or teaching classes, you know, groups to getting

228
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together and stuff like that. And it was just separate

229
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so it fitted probably six people's chairs wise, I mean,

230
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it wasn't a lot of space, but there was a

231
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little toilet and a coat rack, you know, pretty much

232
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everything you needed.

233
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A little heater, so.

234
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Therapists also used to use it. There was an acupuncturist

235
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that used to use it.

236
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Well.

237
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I went to a few times because I've had I've

238
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tried so many different therapies to try and help with

239
00:20:43.480 --> 00:20:49.799
my to you know, to relax and my situation, and

240
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I like acupuncture. I think there was a reiki person

241
00:20:57.039 --> 00:21:00.200
possibly that worked down there, so the just I went

242
00:21:00.200 --> 00:21:03.200
the room by the hour, and what I did when

243
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I became a counselor, I also rented that room so

244
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for private clients, but also people that I did the

245
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so I also did the free Konic chronic pain relief

246
00:21:16.519 --> 00:21:19.279
service there as well, so I used that for the

247
00:21:19.359 --> 00:21:20.440
same same thing.

248
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I also.

249
00:21:28.400 --> 00:21:31.759
Used it when I lived around the corner from there.

250
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This is in twenty eleven, I used it. I used

251
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to go there in the nighttime. I'd ask them first.

252
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I didn't just turn up by the keys to get in,

253
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and there was okay over I went there at night

254
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once everyone was gone, so like eleven o'clock or something,

255
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and I'd stay there for a few hours and I'd

256
00:21:52.000 --> 00:21:57.200
make videos, hypnosis videos and stuff like that because.

257
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It was quiet.

258
00:22:00.200 --> 00:22:03.680
Hm and well, anyway, one day I was in there

259
00:22:06.640 --> 00:22:08.880
and I was waiting for a client to turn up,

260
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and my friend of the man, I would tell me

261
00:22:14.559 --> 00:22:17.079
about He was there as well, and some of the

262
00:22:17.119 --> 00:22:19.480
other people were there and they were meeting up, but

263
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he was there. I'm not quite sure why he was there,

264
00:22:23.000 --> 00:22:26.200
but he was there anyway.

265
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And he told me, he.

266
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Said, because I was going for a very difficult, very

267
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difficult time.

268
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At that at that moment, and.

269
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I pretty much refuse to take medication.

270
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I refuse to go and get help. And he said

271
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to me, he said, he knew my history. He knew

272
00:22:53.119 --> 00:22:53.759
my history of.

273
00:22:55.640 --> 00:22:59.880
Know all the different things that had kind of time

274
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I'd been on medication and stuff like that, so you

275
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can't know we had a little bit in common from

276
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that perspective, And he knew that I had a bit

277
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of an attitude about taking medication.

278
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For me, not for other people.

279
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I don't judge other people for what they need to do,

280
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but for me, I just I didn't want to.

281
00:23:20.039 --> 00:23:25.240
I just didn't want to take it. I didn't. I

282
00:23:25.319 --> 00:23:28.559
just didn't. I didn't want to be I don't know

283
00:23:28.559 --> 00:23:37.400
how much of that is, just how much of that

284
00:23:37.599 --> 00:23:44.440
is other people have influenced me with their attitudes, with their.

285
00:23:44.359 --> 00:23:50.279
Stinking thinking, as sigg Ziggy Ziggler where his name is

286
00:23:50.279 --> 00:23:57.079
would say, so, I he said, Anyways, it's in the summer,

287
00:23:57.119 --> 00:24:01.000
and he said to me, I said, well, he said hmm.

288
00:24:01.759 --> 00:24:03.640
I said, no, I had you go. But why why

289
00:24:03.640 --> 00:24:06.920
are you going for He said, well, you're clearly not

290
00:24:07.559 --> 00:24:10.799
doing very well. I said, no, fair enough. I don't

291
00:24:10.880 --> 00:24:11.559
argue on that one.

292
00:24:12.640 --> 00:24:15.680
And he said, why don't you just go back to

293
00:24:15.720 --> 00:24:19.960
the doctor and see maybe get back on the antidepressants.

294
00:24:20.680 --> 00:24:22.160
This is better the one. This is before I was

295
00:24:22.200 --> 00:24:30.279
diagnosed with bipolar. It was I knew I was not

296
00:24:30.400 --> 00:24:32.559
doing this too good, but I didn't quite know what

297
00:24:32.920 --> 00:24:37.720
you didn't know about that part of it. And because

298
00:24:37.759 --> 00:24:41.759
this is after the me being all like mannic and

299
00:24:41.880 --> 00:24:45.240
stuff previous, so this is probably the end of the summer,

300
00:24:46.400 --> 00:24:55.319
probably kind of September time or maybe August. And I said, nah,

301
00:24:55.480 --> 00:25:01.799
just can't be bothered. I don't want to be reliant

302
00:25:01.880 --> 00:25:03.880
upon it. I don't want to be dependent upon it.

303
00:25:06.039 --> 00:25:08.039
And there was I think there's a part of me

304
00:25:08.559 --> 00:25:13.440
still used to think that maybe it made me weak,

305
00:25:15.440 --> 00:25:18.039
which is ridiculous, but there was kind of a sense

306
00:25:18.079 --> 00:25:21.759
of old, it's it's a week, it's you know, I

307
00:25:21.839 --> 00:25:26.119
want to be stronger than that. And he said, look,

308
00:25:26.640 --> 00:25:29.119
because he was a lot older than me, he retired,

309
00:25:29.240 --> 00:25:38.480
So I was in my wow was what was I forty?

310
00:25:40.440 --> 00:25:43.319
Wow? Or maybe yeah?

311
00:25:43.319 --> 00:25:45.960
I probably hadn't even turned forty one yet, so I

312
00:25:46.039 --> 00:25:47.200
was forty years old.

313
00:25:48.720 --> 00:25:51.079
One more wow wow.

314
00:25:51.799 --> 00:25:58.720
So I was a young man. He was probably I

315
00:25:58.720 --> 00:26:03.680
would say, probably late fifties, maybe early sixties. He'd retired early,

316
00:26:03.759 --> 00:26:06.400
but he was I probably had about twenty years on me.

317
00:26:08.839 --> 00:26:13.000
And he said to me, he said little JJ.

318
00:26:13.599 --> 00:26:16.880
I said, don't call me that. Don't call me that.

319
00:26:16.960 --> 00:26:23.079
He said, okay, sorry, he said juicy JJ. I said,

320
00:26:23.079 --> 00:26:26.799
that's right, that's the nickname, juicy JJ, not little JJ.

321
00:26:28.119 --> 00:26:32.799
But he said anyway, he.

322
00:26:32.759 --> 00:26:35.000
Said that he went for the same kind of thing

323
00:26:35.400 --> 00:26:37.920
where he didn't want to be on a tablet. He

324
00:26:37.960 --> 00:26:39.799
didn't want to take tablets, didn't like the way that

325
00:26:39.880 --> 00:26:45.480
made him feel. But he realized, you know, the side effects,

326
00:26:45.519 --> 00:26:49.880
maybe feeling a bit tired, a bit groggy, a bit slow, whatever.

327
00:26:50.519 --> 00:26:58.720
Everyone's differently. But he said, after about forty years of

328
00:26:58.839 --> 00:27:05.119
going through that, he decided that he'd rather take a

329
00:27:05.200 --> 00:27:12.000
tablet a day, or two tablets day whatever, in order

330
00:27:12.039 --> 00:27:21.119
to feel stable, in order to feel maybe human even,

331
00:27:22.319 --> 00:27:25.839
you know, in order just to be well, to feel well.

332
00:27:26.400 --> 00:27:32.920
Most of the time, and he said that there's no

333
00:27:36.640 --> 00:27:41.279
there's no shame. There's no shame in, no shame in

334
00:27:43.119 --> 00:27:47.119
doing what's necessary.

335
00:27:48.119 --> 00:27:48.880
You know, if you're.

336
00:27:48.799 --> 00:27:52.599
Appendix burst, you have them taken out, you don't say

337
00:27:52.640 --> 00:27:54.319
to the doctor or the surgeon, now.

338
00:27:54.160 --> 00:27:59.480
It's all right, I'll keep them. I'll suffer. Now.

339
00:27:59.640 --> 00:28:05.359
I'm not comparing appendicitis a burst appendix or whatever, which

340
00:28:05.400 --> 00:28:08.960
can be fatal, of course, but and it probably would

341
00:28:09.000 --> 00:28:11.519
be if it wasn't medically sorted out.

342
00:28:16.680 --> 00:28:18.359
But it's kind of a comparison. You know.

343
00:28:18.519 --> 00:28:22.279
He's like, you need when something is needed, you wouldn't

344
00:28:22.279 --> 00:28:25.359
think twice about it, would He's like, okay, take it out.

345
00:28:29.039 --> 00:28:32.440
It's just that's it. There's not really a conversation. They

346
00:28:32.440 --> 00:28:36.079
don't even ask today. You know, you've got you know,

347
00:28:36.440 --> 00:28:41.480
my brother hadn't a burst appendix, and they he rushed

348
00:28:41.519 --> 00:28:43.319
into surgery as an emergency.

349
00:28:44.079 --> 00:28:45.440
He had sepsis and.

350
00:28:46.839 --> 00:28:49.599
He's fine, he survived and everything, and he was very

351
00:28:49.680 --> 00:28:53.839
awful while but at.

352
00:28:53.640 --> 00:28:57.119
No point where they didn't ask him, they excuse him.

353
00:28:57.240 --> 00:29:03.559
Is mister Newland junior juicy? I'm just wondering, is that

354
00:29:03.599 --> 00:29:09.119
okay if we remove your appendix or what's left of them.

355
00:29:09.240 --> 00:29:13.599
They didn't. They just took his appendix out because that's

356
00:29:13.599 --> 00:29:15.920
what was necessary. I don't even know if he was

357
00:29:15.960 --> 00:29:18.640
even conscious enough for them to sign for.

358
00:29:18.640 --> 00:29:24.839
Him to sign a form or anything like that. I

359
00:29:25.000 --> 00:29:25.759
visited him.

360
00:29:25.880 --> 00:29:29.160
Of course, I was a little bit disappointed because there

361
00:29:29.240 --> 00:29:32.240
was no grapes. I suppose I thought there was supposed

362
00:29:32.240 --> 00:29:34.519
to be grapes in the hospital room. He had his

363
00:29:34.559 --> 00:29:39.759
own hospital room. How ridiculous is that? It's when does

364
00:29:39.799 --> 00:29:49.400
anyone get their own hospital room? He had his own room.

365
00:29:50.079 --> 00:29:51.319
I don't know how he figured out?

366
00:29:51.519 --> 00:29:54.759
How How are you? I don't know. Anyway, the.

367
00:30:01.839 --> 00:30:04.720
I thought it through and I thought what I kind

368
00:30:04.720 --> 00:30:09.680
of thought about what my friend said, and it did

369
00:30:09.720 --> 00:30:13.160
have an effect. It was annoying to start with, I thought,

370
00:30:13.200 --> 00:30:17.440
I shut up, we're talking about what she liked to

371
00:30:17.480 --> 00:30:22.920
be me on different And then I started thinking, you

372
00:30:23.000 --> 00:30:27.480
know what, this is something I've been going through on

373
00:30:27.599 --> 00:30:28.279
and off.

374
00:30:29.720 --> 00:30:32.000
Since I was a little kid. So it's not a

375
00:30:32.039 --> 00:30:32.480
new thing.

376
00:30:32.519 --> 00:30:37.319
It's not you know, the mood swings. Sometimes you can

377
00:30:37.400 --> 00:30:41.119
you can contribute it to puberty, or you can or

378
00:30:41.279 --> 00:30:47.000
adolescence mood swings. You can contribute it to lots lots

379
00:30:47.039 --> 00:30:53.079
of different things throughout life and bereavement and stuff that.

380
00:30:53.160 --> 00:30:55.079
You know, there could be lots of different reasons for

381
00:30:55.119 --> 00:31:02.680
people to have issues with their mood or instability with

382
00:31:02.799 --> 00:31:08.559
the mood. But if it's happening all the way through

383
00:31:08.559 --> 00:31:11.799
your life and it's not like it started when I

384
00:31:11.880 --> 00:31:18.559
was twenty or fifteen, I'm talking little. As far back

385
00:31:18.599 --> 00:31:25.160
as I remember, I've had extreme moods all the way back.

386
00:31:27.440 --> 00:31:31.000
I just didn't tell anybody. That's the difference. I didn't.

387
00:31:33.039 --> 00:31:36.880
I didn't understand why other people weren't feeling.

388
00:31:36.799 --> 00:31:37.720
The way I was feeling.

389
00:31:38.519 --> 00:31:41.039
But I also didn't understand why I wasn't feeling the

390
00:31:41.039 --> 00:31:44.480
way other people were feeling, because there'd be times when

391
00:31:44.519 --> 00:31:51.519
everyone was like miserable, and I'd be happy, and then

392
00:31:51.640 --> 00:31:56.759
I'll be sad and I'll be tap dancing and ruining

393
00:31:56.799 --> 00:32:01.279
the funeral. And I wasn't tap dancing on top of

394
00:32:01.319 --> 00:32:03.039
the coffin or anything. But I'm just saying I would,

395
00:32:03.119 --> 00:32:06.480
I'd love it. I wouldn't necessarily tune in to the

396
00:32:06.519 --> 00:32:13.640
event because my mind was doing something different. And I've

397
00:32:13.680 --> 00:32:17.599
been at some of the most wonderful events as far

398
00:32:17.680 --> 00:32:22.680
as like everyone seems to be happy and I'm not

399
00:32:23.119 --> 00:32:27.480
for whatever reason, and there's no reason. It doesn't seem

400
00:32:27.519 --> 00:32:32.799
to be a reason, like there's no logic behind it.

401
00:32:35.519 --> 00:32:36.759
I remember I was at the.

402
00:32:42.920 --> 00:32:51.640
Oh is it, sir, what's his name? It's the biggest

403
00:32:51.720 --> 00:32:53.200
motivational speaker in.

404
00:32:53.160 --> 00:32:57.680
The world, world's.

405
00:32:58.039 --> 00:33:09.839
Biggest motivational motive fational speaker, Tony Robbins. Well, they got

406
00:33:09.839 --> 00:33:13.119
bear grills next to Tony Robins, and bear grills may

407
00:33:13.200 --> 00:33:18.480
be popular, but Tony Robbins, there is no one as

408
00:33:18.480 --> 00:33:23.359
big as Tony Robbins, like as far as worldwide longivity

409
00:33:23.440 --> 00:33:26.240
and all that. Plus he is probably the tallest man

410
00:33:26.279 --> 00:33:32.079
that's ever lived. He's about eight foot tall. Yeah, it's true.

411
00:33:32.359 --> 00:33:41.200
So I went to Tony Robbins thing events in London

412
00:33:42.400 --> 00:33:49.680
in two thousand of I think it was two thousand

413
00:33:49.680 --> 00:33:52.920
and five, might have been two thousand and six. I

414
00:33:52.920 --> 00:34:00.480
think it's two thousand and five. Yeah, probably, Maybe it

415
00:34:00.519 --> 00:34:02.000
was two thousand and four.

416
00:34:02.440 --> 00:34:05.599
Might have been. But I went there and.

417
00:34:07.480 --> 00:34:16.199
I yeah, I think I stayed at my friends because

418
00:34:16.239 --> 00:34:18.599
he got he gave me tickets, so I think I

419
00:34:18.639 --> 00:34:25.719
stayed with him.

420
00:34:22.960 --> 00:34:24.519
And I enjoyed it. I did.

421
00:34:25.159 --> 00:34:30.119
I enjoyed it, and I'd listened to his recordings because

422
00:34:30.159 --> 00:34:32.360
that's another thing I've been trying to do since.

423
00:34:33.599 --> 00:34:37.519
For a long long time, is trying trying to.

424
00:34:38.960 --> 00:34:44.119
Increase my motivation, trying to increase my positivity, trying to

425
00:34:44.800 --> 00:34:54.039
go against the grain almost at times, and it doesn't

426
00:34:54.079 --> 00:34:57.360
always work, but I don't I don't give up, so

427
00:34:57.400 --> 00:35:06.400
I keep going. And I couldn't get into the the

428
00:35:06.519 --> 00:35:13.000
old I don't know what I want to call it,

429
00:35:14.320 --> 00:35:18.400
the cultiness of it, you know, the going long because

430
00:35:18.440 --> 00:35:20.880
the every now and he said, if you believe this,

431
00:35:21.119 --> 00:35:24.800
say I like, I'm not going to shout eye.

432
00:35:26.960 --> 00:35:28.800
More than once. That's once.

433
00:35:28.920 --> 00:35:31.920
I'm not going to keep saying it. You're not going

434
00:35:32.000 --> 00:35:33.760
to condition me, mister Robbins.

435
00:35:34.519 --> 00:35:38.760
No. So he is really good.

436
00:35:38.760 --> 00:35:42.480
And I've never known anyone that can talk for that long,

437
00:35:43.480 --> 00:35:47.280
that fast, for that long. I mean literally doesn't take

438
00:35:47.280 --> 00:35:50.719
a breath for like four or five hours. I've never

439
00:35:50.760 --> 00:35:58.199
seen that before, not on stage. And I think because

440
00:35:58.239 --> 00:36:01.599
he's naturally talked so fast, when he decides just to

441
00:36:01.599 --> 00:36:04.559
slow things down and talks a bit slow, I think

442
00:36:04.559 --> 00:36:07.239
he's kind of taken a nap in between sentences.

443
00:36:08.119 --> 00:36:09.039
It's just because he's.

444
00:36:08.840 --> 00:36:13.159
Normally so fast, no one notices it. That's what I'm

445
00:36:13.199 --> 00:36:17.000
thinking he just switches off and just like and then

446
00:36:18.000 --> 00:36:24.119
she said this, I'm your mother. I don't know, just

447
00:36:24.599 --> 00:36:27.159
whatever he says, the stuff he says, and.

448
00:36:28.840 --> 00:36:34.760
It was very A lot.

449
00:36:34.599 --> 00:36:38.440
Of people, there's about ten thousand people there, very excitable.

450
00:36:39.960 --> 00:36:43.800
I'm not a very excitable person, and I'm not saying

451
00:36:43.800 --> 00:36:44.559
it in a good way.

452
00:36:44.719 --> 00:36:46.800
I just some people.

453
00:36:46.639 --> 00:36:53.599
Are very extremely lively and extremely enthusiastic.

454
00:36:55.119 --> 00:36:56.519
How I wish I was like that.

455
00:36:58.119 --> 00:37:02.400
In a way, no matter how annoying it might be

456
00:37:02.440 --> 00:37:07.719
for other people, I just it would be not I'm

457
00:37:07.760 --> 00:37:10.840
just thinking of a couple of people from the past

458
00:37:10.880 --> 00:37:16.400
that would be so excited about something like it's like

459
00:37:16.559 --> 00:37:19.159
it's a toilet role holder. Welly are you excited about

460
00:37:19.159 --> 00:37:24.760
a toilet role holder? Everyone's got their own thing, an't they.

461
00:37:26.639 --> 00:37:31.239
I think my base level is not too high. There's

462
00:37:31.280 --> 00:37:37.960
a with positive psychology, there's a theory that no matter

463
00:37:37.960 --> 00:37:41.199
what happens in our lives, we kind of have a

464
00:37:41.199 --> 00:37:45.039
base level. Now that base level can be risen up,

465
00:37:46.199 --> 00:37:57.599
you know, with positive thinking, positive affirmations, diary writing, what

466
00:37:57.679 --> 00:38:02.719
other things. I'm trying to think, like gratue to journal,

467
00:38:02.920 --> 00:38:10.840
things like that. But the general base level is what

468
00:38:10.880 --> 00:38:14.400
we end up going back to whether no matter how

469
00:38:14.480 --> 00:38:17.960
low we go or how high we go, we have

470
00:38:18.000 --> 00:38:21.480
a tendency going back to the base level of mood.

471
00:38:23.360 --> 00:38:27.440
And as I said, it can be risen. Some people

472
00:38:27.920 --> 00:38:32.559
just tend to have a higher base level and some

473
00:38:32.599 --> 00:38:36.519
people have a much lower base level. But it's not stuck.

474
00:38:37.000 --> 00:38:39.679
That's something that's the point. It feels stuck, but it's not.

475
00:38:39.960 --> 00:38:45.280
It can be moved, but it takes an effort or

476
00:38:45.920 --> 00:38:52.000
extreme stuff in life. But generally the base level kind

477
00:38:52.000 --> 00:38:56.599
of stays where it is if it's left alone. So

478
00:38:56.800 --> 00:39:02.920
for example, someone wins the lottery if they're naturally maybe

479
00:39:03.519 --> 00:39:07.639
not high energy, but I'm not high energy in person,

480
00:39:09.159 --> 00:39:17.760
so I'm going to be high energy to a degree.

481
00:39:18.519 --> 00:39:21.719
If I wonder lottery, I would seem high energy in

482
00:39:21.800 --> 00:39:26.519
some ways, but in other ways I would still be kind.

483
00:39:26.320 --> 00:39:34.519
Of be in touch with that level and the heightening

484
00:39:35.079 --> 00:39:38.039
of Oh, where I got money. I can do stuff.

485
00:39:38.639 --> 00:39:41.280
I can buy myself as much chocolate as I like,

486
00:39:42.880 --> 00:39:49.639
I can get trousers in need of wigwams. That makes

487
00:39:49.679 --> 00:39:52.960
no sense, And then.

488
00:39:53.840 --> 00:39:56.760
Are we allowed to say wig wams? I don't know.

489
00:39:58.599 --> 00:40:05.320
I just did, But then I'd end up going to

490
00:40:05.400 --> 00:40:10.760
my base level. Now, if I use that situation correctly

491
00:40:12.079 --> 00:40:23.360
of having money, helping other people, helping myself live in

492
00:40:23.400 --> 00:40:34.159
a nicer lifestyle, traveling, improving my outlook on the world

493
00:40:34.400 --> 00:40:40.039
and life, then my base level is much more likely

494
00:40:40.159 --> 00:40:41.239
to rise up.

495
00:40:44.639 --> 00:40:45.480
However slightly.

496
00:40:45.519 --> 00:40:51.320
It will rise up, but it won't stay at that

497
00:40:51.440 --> 00:40:55.800
top bit of where I first won the lottery, because generally,

498
00:40:56.079 --> 00:40:59.239
the theory is the mood goes back down to its

499
00:40:59.280 --> 00:41:03.360
general base leg So if someone's got a high base

500
00:41:03.480 --> 00:41:08.800
level where they're generally positive, when they go really low

501
00:41:08.960 --> 00:41:17.280
for whatever reason, generally they will go back to their

502
00:41:17.320 --> 00:41:21.000
base level. So it would be very difficult, it will

503
00:41:21.079 --> 00:41:23.719
hurt and be painful, it would be uncomfortable, but.

504
00:41:23.639 --> 00:41:30.719
They will go back to their base level. I've been

505
00:41:30.719 --> 00:41:34.800
thinking about it for someone like me.

506
00:41:38.639 --> 00:41:41.920
Or someone that walks around, I say walks around, but

507
00:41:42.039 --> 00:41:45.199
someone that lives their life in a much more positive

508
00:41:46.039 --> 00:41:48.800
higher level of I don't want to say high level

509
00:41:48.880 --> 00:41:53.400
of consciousness, but their base level is much more optimistic, bright.

510
00:41:54.360 --> 00:42:00.320
It's not being disrupted continuously by their brain as may

511
00:42:00.440 --> 00:42:04.639
is kind of just it's almost it just it touches

512
00:42:04.679 --> 00:42:09.480
the base level, and it's just so when I'm Okay,

513
00:42:10.119 --> 00:42:15.199
it's still not great. It's weird, and then it's good

514
00:42:15.239 --> 00:42:20.119
and then it's really not. But someone's got a higher

515
00:42:20.159 --> 00:42:23.559
base level in their normal life, be a happier person.

516
00:42:24.440 --> 00:42:29.599
But then when things are not good, perhaps it feels

517
00:42:29.639 --> 00:42:31.880
perhaps I'm just thinking off the top of my feet,

518
00:42:32.519 --> 00:42:39.000
perhaps it feels much worse for them because they're not

519
00:42:39.159 --> 00:42:47.639
used to it. They're not used to the low as

520
00:42:47.639 --> 00:42:50.599
opposed to someone that is used to it. I'm used

521
00:42:50.639 --> 00:42:57.679
to it. There's no it doesn't make me a superhero.

522
00:42:57.800 --> 00:42:58.679
I'm just saying.

523
00:43:00.119 --> 00:43:02.920
So, I just had to have a quick break there.

524
00:43:05.320 --> 00:43:16.880
Fiddy was barking, oh, like really loud, which means I

525
00:43:16.880 --> 00:43:17.800
don't actually understand.

526
00:43:17.800 --> 00:43:19.920
I don't understand. I don't remember what I was talking about.

527
00:43:22.400 --> 00:43:38.440
Oh oh yeah, base levels. So anyway, I'm just trying

528
00:43:38.440 --> 00:43:45.800
to think, yeah, I don't know what I was talking about.

529
00:43:45.800 --> 00:43:50.880
I was just basically just jabbering on really just having

530
00:43:50.920 --> 00:43:56.599
a yabba jabber, as it were, a jabber.

531
00:43:57.159 --> 00:44:04.239
Ooh ooh, ooh, ooh ooh.

532
00:44:04.719 --> 00:44:12.079
If you're listening on my podcast, maybe visit my YouTube channel.

533
00:44:12.199 --> 00:44:16.159
Just have a look if you fancy a laugh, because

534
00:44:16.719 --> 00:44:19.440
I haven't got to say anything funny, just my face.

535
00:44:19.480 --> 00:44:20.239
That should be enough.

536
00:44:21.239 --> 00:44:24.199
Just look at me thinking, wow, how could anyone be

537
00:44:24.280 --> 00:44:28.159
that pink? He must have a lot of light shining

538
00:44:28.159 --> 00:44:28.639
on him.

539
00:44:28.840 --> 00:44:29.280
I don't.

540
00:44:32.119 --> 00:44:34.719
It's really weird. My face is so bright. When I

541
00:44:34.760 --> 00:44:38.280
look in the mirror, I give myself sunburn. There's no

542
00:44:38.599 --> 00:44:39.599
make that e would makes sense?

543
00:44:39.639 --> 00:44:50.320
Does it? A? Hello? Fellow? How are you?

544
00:44:51.519 --> 00:44:53.719
Then he's underneath the desk looking at me.

545
00:44:54.719 --> 00:44:55.400
Hello for tho.

546
00:44:56.599 --> 00:45:00.880
The reason he was barking is because he's his girlfriend

547
00:45:00.920 --> 00:45:05.920
downstairs was coming in. Wasn't she his girlfriend who lives downstairs?

548
00:45:06.119 --> 00:45:17.480
He loves you? Love her? Yes? You do? You love her? You?

549
00:45:17.480 --> 00:45:22.760
You love her? Yes? Okay, I'm back.

550
00:45:25.039 --> 00:45:28.960
If I do make more videos. Oh yeah, there was

551
00:45:28.960 --> 00:45:32.440
a spider downstairs and she was screaming. That's that's why

552
00:45:32.719 --> 00:45:36.719
he was reacting. So I went downstairs and the spider

553
00:45:36.800 --> 00:45:40.679
was on front of her near a door handle, and

554
00:45:40.800 --> 00:45:44.559
she wouldn't go in. So I just I got the

555
00:45:44.599 --> 00:45:45.880
spider and to get outside.

556
00:45:50.519 --> 00:45:51.280
It was quite handy.

557
00:45:51.320 --> 00:45:53.480
I used Vinie's lead and I put it around his

558
00:45:53.599 --> 00:45:55.960
neck and just you know, dragged it outside.

559
00:45:56.039 --> 00:45:57.079
A huge thing. It was.

560
00:46:02.039 --> 00:46:04.639
She did say to me, you're not scared of spiders,

561
00:46:04.639 --> 00:46:08.400
and said no, so what you're scared of? Then, I said, crocodiles.

562
00:46:10.440 --> 00:46:14.360
Let's chance of seeing them on your doorstep blocking your

563
00:46:14.360 --> 00:46:19.639
door handle. I used to get that when I was

564
00:46:20.440 --> 00:46:25.519
I used to take Andre my ferret into town. That's

565
00:46:25.559 --> 00:46:27.239
when I in the days when I used to go

566
00:46:27.280 --> 00:46:31.159
into town and I didn't have him off the lead.

567
00:46:31.320 --> 00:46:34.440
I didn't have him off there. I didn't have him

568
00:46:34.480 --> 00:46:36.559
walking on the lead in town. I'd always, you know,

569
00:46:36.639 --> 00:46:38.360
if it was busy, i'd have him in my coat,

570
00:46:39.519 --> 00:46:41.960
or i'd be holding him, or he'd be inside my

571
00:46:42.079 --> 00:46:44.280
jacket with his little head looking out.

572
00:46:46.559 --> 00:46:53.039
His little face. And sometimes people would scream like they'd

573
00:46:53.039 --> 00:46:59.000
turn a corner aha aha, Like.

574
00:47:01.320 --> 00:47:07.960
I'd understand if I had, I don't know, like a

575
00:47:08.199 --> 00:47:14.039
skateboard with a big shark behind me pulling it along.

576
00:47:15.960 --> 00:47:18.920
Or I'm trying to think, what kind of other animal

577
00:47:21.639 --> 00:47:29.400
is scary to people? A gorilla on skates.

578
00:47:29.039 --> 00:47:31.199
I don't know. I don't know what it has to

579
00:47:31.239 --> 00:47:33.960
have wheels. I don't know why wheels have to be involved.

580
00:47:38.119 --> 00:47:41.280
So this will started when I started talking about my

581
00:47:41.519 --> 00:47:44.360
first psychiatric review.

582
00:47:46.440 --> 00:47:47.760
Now this is two thousand and four.

583
00:47:47.920 --> 00:47:50.639
I waited for eighties and ages and ages for this

584
00:47:51.199 --> 00:47:59.639
I've been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety depression, recurring anxiety, recurring depression,

585
00:48:00.159 --> 00:48:05.719
depression disorder, or major depression disorder, clinical depression, you name it.

586
00:48:05.760 --> 00:48:08.239
They just like kept checking all these titles at me.

587
00:48:10.079 --> 00:48:11.639
I felt like a professor at the end of it.

588
00:48:13.239 --> 00:48:17.920
And none of them were useful. To get a job though,

589
00:48:20.360 --> 00:48:30.239
But however, what's that sound? We were this a fair look?

590
00:48:33.079 --> 00:48:39.920
Hmm thoo hm.

591
00:48:40.519 --> 00:48:43.599
That week was weird because I think it was on

592
00:48:43.960 --> 00:48:46.920
a Wednesday or a.

593
00:48:48.679 --> 00:48:48.920
Day.

594
00:48:51.920 --> 00:48:58.920
Yeah, I think it was a Tuesday, it was it

595
00:48:58.960 --> 00:49:05.360
was a day anyway, it was a day during the week. Now,

596
00:49:05.519 --> 00:49:12.199
on the Saturday, I received a letter. I wish I

597
00:49:12.199 --> 00:49:13.840
should have kept it because I could read it to you,

598
00:49:15.119 --> 00:49:16.920
and basically what it said is.

599
00:49:19.360 --> 00:49:20.519
Talking about.

600
00:49:21.639 --> 00:49:25.239
Starting the new year the same as every other year,

601
00:49:25.360 --> 00:49:29.719
and wanted to do something different this year. And here's

602
00:49:29.760 --> 00:49:34.320
my telephone number. And I was trying to think, what

603
00:49:34.360 --> 00:49:37.920
the heck is this about? So I checked the address

604
00:49:37.960 --> 00:49:40.840
and it was definitely for me, I thought.

605
00:49:43.320 --> 00:49:45.920
Now. It turns out.

606
00:49:47.239 --> 00:49:51.159
I was probably drunk at the time. But I put

607
00:49:51.159 --> 00:49:56.039
an advert in the lost and like the love Heart

608
00:49:56.119 --> 00:50:03.039
section of the local newspaper. I don't remember doing it. Yeah, anyway,

609
00:50:03.119 --> 00:50:06.480
she replied, I'm guessing, she replied to everyone to be fair.

610
00:50:07.840 --> 00:50:15.400
So we went out. I found her up. She said

611
00:50:16.159 --> 00:50:19.960
you're right. I said yeah, she said you want to

612
00:50:19.960 --> 00:50:20.880
meet up? And said okay.

613
00:50:20.880 --> 00:50:31.760
Then, because I'd learned having done blind dating, as in okay,

614
00:50:31.800 --> 00:50:34.920
may not blind dates, what's the pen palin or blind

615
00:50:35.000 --> 00:50:35.760
blind dates?

616
00:50:37.559 --> 00:50:39.320
The trick is to.

617
00:50:40.840 --> 00:50:52.199
There's a very fine line between first speaking to the

618
00:50:52.239 --> 00:50:57.320
person and first meeting the person. There's a there's a

619
00:50:57.400 --> 00:51:02.360
very short period. I'm not but just quite often where

620
00:51:04.159 --> 00:51:06.039
if you want it to go well, you need to

621
00:51:06.159 --> 00:51:10.239
kind of make the move. And sometimes in the past

622
00:51:10.280 --> 00:51:13.440
I've left it too long where I became almost best

623
00:51:13.440 --> 00:51:15.760
friends with them on the phone, hadn't even met them,

624
00:51:15.840 --> 00:51:18.440
did know what they looked like. This is the days

625
00:51:18.480 --> 00:51:24.960
before you know, being able to stream and live cam

626
00:51:25.000 --> 00:51:28.519
and I don't mean live cameras in chatter bait, I

627
00:51:28.559 --> 00:51:36.599
mean live cam as in Facebook, you know, stream and

628
00:51:36.679 --> 00:51:45.599
saying hi Hi. I don't know how many dates I

629
00:51:45.599 --> 00:51:49.519
would have had if we had cameras back then, video cameras.

630
00:51:51.880 --> 00:51:53.639
I never did very well on those things, you know,

631
00:51:53.679 --> 00:51:58.480
the ones where like there used to be these things.

632
00:51:58.280 --> 00:52:03.159
Called rule that they did it with voices, and then when.

633
00:52:03.039 --> 00:52:07.480
The cameras came out online, probably twenty odd years ago,

634
00:52:07.519 --> 00:52:09.800
they had it and I went on there.

635
00:52:11.519 --> 00:52:12.519
Twenty five years ago.

636
00:52:12.559 --> 00:52:17.320
Probably any picture you'd be on there and it'd be

637
00:52:17.360 --> 00:52:20.920
like it'd be really grainy, but it's still the picture

638
00:52:21.000 --> 00:52:23.800
was good enough, clear enough for them to see. They

639
00:52:24.119 --> 00:52:27.400
didn't want to talk to me. It's like just swiped

640
00:52:27.480 --> 00:52:29.239
left right or whatever it is.

641
00:52:32.119 --> 00:52:33.679
So yeah, that didn't really go well.

642
00:52:35.239 --> 00:52:39.079
The only time I ever get any kind of attention

643
00:52:39.239 --> 00:52:42.119
from women because I joined that plenty.

644
00:52:41.800 --> 00:52:45.239
Of fish years ago.

645
00:52:48.000 --> 00:52:58.199
And I was in my thirties at the time, probably

646
00:52:58.280 --> 00:53:04.119
twenty years ago. Probably I don't think I got one

647
00:53:04.159 --> 00:53:07.199
person under fifty that showed any.

648
00:53:07.039 --> 00:53:11.519
Interest in me. And I don't know if it was just.

649
00:53:13.280 --> 00:53:19.119
Because of how I look. I don't think i'm particularly photographic.

650
00:53:20.360 --> 00:53:25.719
Now you can't see on camera.

651
00:53:27.519 --> 00:53:32.679
What I really look like, because I.

652
00:53:32.639 --> 00:53:34.960
Don't know why, whether the camera seems to hide all

653
00:53:34.960 --> 00:53:42.079
my good looks or my sexiness, my chiseled jaw, my

654
00:53:43.400 --> 00:53:53.000
long flowing, dark brown curly hair, my perfect vision, tiny

655
00:53:53.000 --> 00:53:53.639
little nose.

656
00:53:57.000 --> 00:54:01.360
You know, it's all hidden. It's all hidden on the camera,

657
00:54:04.000 --> 00:54:10.440
hidden on the camera, and you get this this you

658
00:54:10.519 --> 00:54:14.119
get me, and it's weird.

659
00:54:14.159 --> 00:54:18.199
It's kind of like as it a fake, really it's

660
00:54:18.239 --> 00:54:22.159
not real. But then I don't feel too bad because

661
00:54:22.599 --> 00:54:28.519
I've seen pictures of people and the way that on

662
00:54:28.719 --> 00:54:34.679
Facebook or on Instagram, the way that people manipulate the

663
00:54:34.719 --> 00:54:41.440
photographs to make them look like make themselves look completely different,

664
00:54:43.000 --> 00:54:49.559
and there doesn't seem any point in that. For fun, yeah,

665
00:54:49.760 --> 00:54:55.000
for fun, but if it's a dating profile, what's the

666
00:54:55.079 --> 00:55:05.159
point in portraying yourself as looking completely different? And I'm

667
00:55:05.159 --> 00:55:06.280
not saying show you.

668
00:55:10.239 --> 00:55:10.639
Much that all.

669
00:55:10.639 --> 00:55:13.119
We should show all our faults straight away. I mean,

670
00:55:16.800 --> 00:55:18.480
you know, doing a close up so you can see

671
00:55:18.480 --> 00:55:21.079
your blackheads on your ears or whatever.

672
00:55:21.159 --> 00:55:28.960
You know, I don't mean that. But take a picture

673
00:55:29.000 --> 00:55:30.480
of yourself after your van.

674
00:55:32.119 --> 00:55:34.400
A sausage roll with all the bits all over your

675
00:55:34.400 --> 00:55:39.599
face and in between your teeth, and like, yeah, I'm

676
00:55:39.639 --> 00:55:47.000
not okay, that's not perhaps your best picture. But unless

677
00:55:47.039 --> 00:55:55.800
you want to meet someone that likes sausage rolls, the

678
00:55:55.840 --> 00:55:59.360
problem is, so I could make myself look different on

679
00:55:59.400 --> 00:56:03.119
a camera. You know, I've got editing software. I've got

680
00:56:03.159 --> 00:56:07.079
ways of changing how I look even in this video.

681
00:56:07.159 --> 00:56:10.159
If I wanted to and I haven't, just so you know,

682
00:56:11.039 --> 00:56:13.559
But if I wanted to, I could make my eyes smaller,

683
00:56:14.199 --> 00:56:17.679
I could make my head smaller, I could change the

684
00:56:17.760 --> 00:56:18.679
color of my skin.

685
00:56:19.519 --> 00:56:20.320
I could do all.

686
00:56:20.239 --> 00:56:24.519
Kinds of things. It's ridiculous what you can do with

687
00:56:24.920 --> 00:56:28.639
editing now. But I'm not going to do any of that.

688
00:56:32.639 --> 00:56:34.800
And I don't know why I'm telling you that I'm

689
00:56:34.840 --> 00:56:35.920
not going to do any of that.

690
00:56:35.880 --> 00:56:36.760
Because.

691
00:56:40.440 --> 00:56:45.960
If this is the result of me working really hard

692
00:56:46.119 --> 00:56:49.679
on editing my face to look better than what I

693
00:56:49.719 --> 00:56:53.559
normally do, then something's gone wrong.

694
00:56:53.440 --> 00:57:04.000
Isn't it. You know what I mean? So how does

695
00:57:04.039 --> 00:57:05.880
that work? Though? So? Do you put on a.

696
00:57:07.480 --> 00:57:13.960
Made up picture looks nothing like you and then you

697
00:57:14.039 --> 00:57:19.039
go on the date? How is that going to work?

698
00:57:19.480 --> 00:57:22.000
You're just going to hope that maybe the other person's

699
00:57:22.039 --> 00:57:23.480
done exactly the same thing.

700
00:57:26.559 --> 00:57:27.639
So that it doesn't matter.

701
00:57:31.159 --> 00:57:33.679
I don't know, I mean, how would you even know

702
00:57:34.760 --> 00:57:37.039
that you were the same person? Because if you go in, Oh,

703
00:57:37.079 --> 00:57:40.719
I'm going to meet you in Weatherspoons or whatever some

704
00:57:40.800 --> 00:57:43.599
pub and you both have messed.

705
00:57:43.360 --> 00:57:44.920
Up with your with.

706
00:57:44.840 --> 00:57:48.320
Your images, so neither of you look how you really look,

707
00:57:49.039 --> 00:57:52.559
and you turn up at this bar full of people.

708
00:57:55.519 --> 00:57:57.159
You're not even going to meet each other.

709
00:58:00.039 --> 00:58:02.280
Unless you walk up to each other and say, Hi,

710
00:58:02.639 --> 00:58:08.400
are you Jucy JJ, are you are you Sally Seanna, Sanna,

711
00:58:08.920 --> 00:58:11.880
Shawnaman mcenroy or whatever.

712
00:58:12.960 --> 00:58:20.920
So yuh hm hmm.

713
00:58:21.159 --> 00:58:26.559
Anyway to this lady, I realized that she was it

714
00:58:26.639 --> 00:58:32.840
was because of that advert thing that I posted in

715
00:58:32.880 --> 00:58:37.880
the new local newspaper. And she responded, I mean, obviously,

716
00:58:38.000 --> 00:58:40.159
needless to say, my picture wasn't in the newspaper.

717
00:58:42.559 --> 00:58:44.800
And I realized that.

718
00:58:47.800 --> 00:58:49.559
If anything was going to happen, we just have to

719
00:58:49.559 --> 00:58:53.480
make it happen now, you know, soon. So we ended

720
00:58:53.519 --> 00:58:58.920
up meeting I think Monday night. Yeah, it was Monday

721
00:58:59.000 --> 00:59:06.079
night because East Enders was the next day. No, yeah,

722
00:59:06.760 --> 00:59:10.679
whatever day Holby City was on, it was the night

723
00:59:10.760 --> 00:59:14.159
before that, so I think Holby City used to be

724
00:59:14.199 --> 00:59:19.239
on a Tuesday night, unless it was on a Thursday night.

725
00:59:19.400 --> 00:59:35.920
This is two thousand and four January. I think it

726
00:59:35.960 --> 00:59:39.079
was a Tuesday night. Anyway, it doesn't really matter.

727
00:59:39.760 --> 00:59:43.559
So I said to her, you know, what's your best feature?

728
00:59:43.639 --> 00:59:44.280
And she told me.

729
00:59:44.320 --> 00:59:48.039
I said, okay, where do you want to meet? And

730
00:59:48.920 --> 00:59:51.880
she asked me about myself? I said, it said, you

731
00:59:51.920 --> 00:59:53.400
want to know anything? I said, no, no, that's fine.

732
00:59:53.400 --> 00:59:58.519
That's what I need to know. And so we just

733
00:59:58.559 --> 01:00:01.119
had a little chat on the phone. She seemed nice,

734
01:00:01.599 --> 01:00:03.480
she seemed to like me. So we met up.

735
01:00:04.480 --> 01:00:09.000
I went to this bar. She was already in there.

736
01:00:10.239 --> 01:00:11.719
I think she might have been in there a while

737
01:00:11.760 --> 01:00:20.159
before I got there, and I sat down and said hello.

738
01:00:20.480 --> 01:00:23.880
She said, I don't know.

739
01:00:24.039 --> 01:00:27.400
She was particularly excited to see me, but she acknowledged

740
01:00:27.440 --> 01:00:27.960
I existed.

741
01:00:28.000 --> 01:00:29.039
So that was the start.

742
01:00:30.599 --> 01:00:37.440
Didn't completely ignore me. That's happened before. That's enough about

743
01:00:37.440 --> 01:00:37.920
my wedding.

744
01:00:40.599 --> 01:00:46.519
I gave her a oh what's it called?

745
01:00:51.119 --> 01:00:55.239
What those eggs? Kind of surprise kinder surprise eggs. I

746
01:00:55.280 --> 01:00:57.679
gave her one of those. So I said, there you go,

747
01:00:58.199 --> 01:01:00.599
give you something to play with, if something to play

748
01:01:00.639 --> 01:01:06.079
with if you get bored with me, and we laughed.

749
01:01:08.840 --> 01:01:09.639
So we had a drink.

750
01:01:09.679 --> 01:01:12.039
I didn't drink the whole of two thousand and four,

751
01:01:12.159 --> 01:01:15.639
so that intrigued her because she seemed to be enjoying drinking.

752
01:01:18.280 --> 01:01:19.440
And then.

753
01:01:21.239 --> 01:01:24.480
We went to another place, and then we went back

754
01:01:24.480 --> 01:01:28.440
to my place. She wanted to come back to mine.

755
01:01:28.639 --> 01:01:35.239
I didn't expect that. I never expect that. I just

756
01:01:35.320 --> 01:01:38.800
didn't see that coming. I thought it was just going

757
01:01:38.840 --> 01:01:42.280
to be a date and then probably wouldn't see Heracain,

758
01:01:42.360 --> 01:01:44.159
or maybe I would see Racain, but just you know,

759
01:01:44.360 --> 01:01:46.079
I wasn't expecting anything.

760
01:01:48.840 --> 01:01:49.920
Interesting to happen.

761
01:01:54.119 --> 01:01:56.440
And at the time I was living in a YMCA,

762
01:01:57.199 --> 01:01:59.920
not in the hostel park, but in the flats part

763
01:02:00.079 --> 01:02:04.480
so studio apartments, So I did have my own studio apartment.

764
01:02:06.679 --> 01:02:14.440
But I it was messy and there was stuff on

765
01:02:14.480 --> 01:02:17.239
the I just said, just wait here.

766
01:02:17.320 --> 01:02:19.599
I went in and I tried to check everything underneath

767
01:02:19.599 --> 01:02:21.400
the bed it was.

768
01:02:21.800 --> 01:02:24.920
It wasn't good. I just didn't know. I didn't think

769
01:02:24.920 --> 01:02:29.400
there was going to be another human in that flat ever,

770
01:02:30.440 --> 01:02:32.440
or that studio thing. I didn't think anyone will ever

771
01:02:32.480 --> 01:02:33.280
go in nextcept me.

772
01:02:35.400 --> 01:02:37.719
So she spent the night.

773
01:02:40.119 --> 01:02:42.880
I had fun. I don't know if she did or not.

774
01:02:46.400 --> 01:02:48.000
The relationship did last one.

775
01:02:47.880 --> 01:02:54.599
More night, so we spent the Monday night together, spent

776
01:02:54.679 --> 01:02:58.639
the Tuesday night together, and on the Wednesday. It's a

777
01:02:58.639 --> 01:02:59.679
little bit like Craig.

778
01:02:59.559 --> 01:03:04.920
David's song, except well it's seven nights or seven days

779
01:03:05.440 --> 01:03:09.039
spare the night. On Monday I spoke, I phoned her

780
01:03:09.119 --> 01:03:13.440
up on Sunday. We went out on Monday, we made

781
01:03:13.519 --> 01:03:15.760
love on Monday night, and then we met up on

782
01:03:15.840 --> 01:03:18.880
Tuesday again, and then Wednesday.

783
01:03:18.480 --> 01:03:20.039
She dumped me by text.

784
01:03:21.440 --> 01:03:24.199
I'm not sure how those lyrics would go, but she

785
01:03:24.480 --> 01:03:30.079
uh so.

786
01:03:30.239 --> 01:03:34.440
The Monday night was pretty good. It's quite a good night.

787
01:03:35.800 --> 01:03:40.559
The Tuesday morning, at eleven o'clock, I had my very

788
01:03:40.599 --> 01:03:48.639
first psychiatric evaluation with two psychologists or psychiatrists, psychologists.

789
01:03:47.920 --> 01:03:56.719
I'm not sure. And they said how are you?

790
01:03:56.760 --> 01:04:01.400
And I said I'm good, and I was smiling because

791
01:04:01.920 --> 01:04:05.000
I'd had a really good time and I was in

792
01:04:05.039 --> 01:04:09.800
a good mood, and I was on a waiting list

793
01:04:11.280 --> 01:04:12.360
for ages.

794
01:04:11.960 --> 01:04:13.360
To see them.

795
01:04:13.639 --> 01:04:16.920
But the reason I've been waiting to see them wasn't

796
01:04:16.960 --> 01:04:22.000
how I was feeling in that moment, and they couldn't

797
01:04:22.039 --> 01:04:26.000
understand that. I was trying to explain to them, I

798
01:04:26.199 --> 01:04:31.760
just just had a really good night's session. I'm not

799
01:04:31.800 --> 01:04:33.360
sure how I worded it, but I was just like,

800
01:04:33.920 --> 01:04:36.119
I'm in a good mood because of that. Trust me,

801
01:04:36.199 --> 01:04:36.840
this is not my.

802
01:04:36.920 --> 01:04:38.960
Normal, this is not what I'm normally like.

803
01:04:39.000 --> 01:04:41.800
I'm just still buzzing from that because I got to

804
01:04:41.880 --> 01:04:48.199
hold someone's hand, she let me touch her leg, her ankle, oh,

805
01:04:48.320 --> 01:04:48.760
you know.

806
01:04:50.199 --> 01:04:56.840
And they didn't get it.

807
01:04:56.920 --> 01:05:02.960
There's like, oh, they decided they went outside, not outside

808
01:05:03.000 --> 01:05:06.960
in the cold, but they went into a different room.

809
01:05:06.199 --> 01:05:08.760
Or into the hallway. I don't know. I wasn't looking

810
01:05:08.760 --> 01:05:09.559
through the keyhole.

811
01:05:11.360 --> 01:05:15.639
They were in the hallway, and they decided that I

812
01:05:15.760 --> 01:05:18.760
was okay, there's nothing wrong with me, didn't need any

813
01:05:18.760 --> 01:05:27.880
help because I was in a good mood on that day.

814
01:05:28.079 --> 01:05:30.519
Now at the time, bear in mind, this is two

815
01:05:30.559 --> 01:05:33.719
thousand and four, I'd had.

816
01:05:36.639 --> 01:05:42.440
Over a year of really I mean, I'd lost my job, lost.

817
01:05:43.800 --> 01:05:46.719
You know, got into debt loads of things because of

818
01:05:46.760 --> 01:05:50.840
my situation, and they weren't taking me seriously because I

819
01:05:50.920 --> 01:05:55.840
wasn't taking myself seriously because I was struggling to take

820
01:05:55.840 --> 01:06:03.559
myself seriously because I'd had a really nice time and

821
01:06:03.719 --> 01:06:07.360
I wasn't over. I wasn't drinking or anything like that,

822
01:06:07.400 --> 01:06:16.719
so I wasn't hungover. I was just buzzing from I guess,

823
01:06:16.800 --> 01:06:23.440
a different type of stimulation. So instead of my brain

824
01:06:24.719 --> 01:06:29.880
stimulating me in ways I didn't want it to, my

825
01:06:29.960 --> 01:06:33.599
brain was being stimulated. I was going to say manually,

826
01:06:33.639 --> 01:06:35.119
but that's probably not a good way to put it,

827
01:06:35.199 --> 01:06:40.320
is it. But it was like more naturally, you know,

828
01:06:40.480 --> 01:06:46.199
it was kind of a nice kind of thing. I

829
01:06:46.239 --> 01:06:51.400
don't know how to really verbalize it, but they didn't

830
01:06:51.400 --> 01:06:55.119
take it seriously. The fact that I was grinning and

831
01:06:55.280 --> 01:07:06.760
smiling and laughing probably didn't help. That's the thing, isn't it.

832
01:07:07.079 --> 01:07:15.280
I think you can't. Yeah, And then so I go

833
01:07:15.400 --> 01:07:16.440
through the next.

834
01:07:17.639 --> 01:07:23.480
How many years? So yeah, I go through the next

835
01:07:24.000 --> 01:07:31.639
six years of that's ridiculous.

836
01:07:31.800 --> 01:07:38.320
It's like, yeah, losing jobs and all kinds of things

837
01:07:38.360 --> 01:07:39.199
because of my.

838
01:07:41.800 --> 01:07:49.440
Mood stuff. And it took a doctor again.

839
01:07:49.559 --> 01:07:54.519
This was twenty eleven in I don't know if it

840
01:07:54.519 --> 01:07:58.280
was August, maybe it was July. I went to a doctor.

841
01:07:58.360 --> 01:08:00.920
This is when I realized that because I've gone from

842
01:08:00.960 --> 01:08:11.360
being up to not being up. And this doctor wasn't

843
01:08:11.360 --> 01:08:15.400
my regular doctor. She I think my regular doctor was.

844
01:08:16.760 --> 01:08:19.800
I got an emergency appointment, so my regular doctor couldn't

845
01:08:19.800 --> 01:08:26.079
see me. So and this doctor I'd not seen before.

846
01:08:27.760 --> 01:08:30.239
She looked back at my files and she saw that

847
01:08:30.319 --> 01:08:39.359
I'd been on medication since ninety five and all the

848
01:08:39.359 --> 01:08:41.720
different things that have been on my record, on my

849
01:08:42.079 --> 01:08:47.119
you know, on my file and all that stuff. Just

850
01:08:47.199 --> 01:08:50.600
bang my microphone and she said, if you had if

851
01:08:50.600 --> 01:08:53.439
you had a psychiatric ever being referred, and I said, yeah,

852
01:08:53.479 --> 01:08:56.239
I've got referred two thousand and four. But I got

853
01:08:56.279 --> 01:08:58.199
laid that night before and I was just in a

854
01:08:58.239 --> 01:09:03.760
good mood. She aft, and I said, I wasn't really

855
01:09:03.840 --> 01:09:07.720
representing myself very well. She said, well, in future, when

856
01:09:07.720 --> 01:09:11.159
you're with a doctor, maybe don't mention getting laid. I said, okay,

857
01:09:11.880 --> 01:09:13.319
do you feel like I should have said something different

858
01:09:13.359 --> 01:09:15.039
to them? She said, I'm talking about me.

859
01:09:15.199 --> 01:09:19.960
Shouldn't have said it to me now, So okay.

860
01:09:19.640 --> 01:09:25.159
Ooh, and I still got the letter. I did have

861
01:09:25.239 --> 01:09:27.119
the letter. I'm not sure if I got it now

862
01:09:27.640 --> 01:09:33.600
somewhere She said, I'm going to refer you to a psychiatrist.

863
01:09:35.239 --> 01:09:41.319
I said, okay, and so to get a diagnosis, because

864
01:09:41.319 --> 01:09:47.600
she said that you need a proper session, proper be

865
01:09:47.760 --> 01:09:50.800
taken seriously because this is just happening too much, and

866
01:09:51.399 --> 01:09:56.279
she's been going on for too long. So I that's

867
01:09:56.279 --> 01:09:58.800
what happened. So I was on put on antidepressants.

868
01:09:58.840 --> 01:09:59.600
And then I went.

869
01:09:59.439 --> 01:10:05.439
To the psychiatrist at the beginning of Sember twenty eleven,

870
01:10:06.720 --> 01:10:14.479
and after quite a long time dissecting my life, going

871
01:10:14.520 --> 01:10:20.680
back over stuff and also looking at my medical history,

872
01:10:21.880 --> 01:10:30.640
I was diagnosed with bipolar effective disorder and put on medication,

873
01:10:32.199 --> 01:10:34.000
which I took for.

874
01:10:36.720 --> 01:10:41.399
A few days and then stopped.

875
01:10:44.319 --> 01:10:46.399
I still took the anti depressions, but I didn't take

876
01:10:46.439 --> 01:10:50.880
the the antipsychotic stuff.

877
01:10:53.119 --> 01:10:54.039
And then.

878
01:10:56.600 --> 01:11:04.760
Twenty twelve, when by still all over the place, twenty thirteen,

879
01:11:06.319 --> 01:11:09.439
I was still on the antidepression. Now I stopped taking

880
01:11:09.439 --> 01:11:15.720
the antidepressants. Twenty thirteen. I went back on antidepressants.

881
01:11:15.800 --> 01:11:26.920
In the springtime, and then about August September, I couldn't

882
01:11:26.920 --> 01:11:28.039
go back to work anymore.

883
01:11:28.079 --> 01:11:28.880
I had it, just.

884
01:11:30.960 --> 01:11:35.920
Couldn't do it, And eventually I was referred to see

885
01:11:35.920 --> 01:11:47.199
a psychiatrist again. This time I saw four different psychiatrists interviewed,

886
01:11:47.720 --> 01:11:49.600
and I think one was twice and the other two,

887
01:11:49.680 --> 01:11:53.399
so two different, three different psychiatrists. One I saw twice

888
01:11:53.600 --> 01:11:56.399
and I saw another one and this was like over

889
01:11:56.439 --> 01:12:12.319
a probably every two weeks. And they decided that I

890
01:12:12.479 --> 01:12:20.359
had bipolar effective disorder. So I was re re not reassigned,

891
01:12:20.359 --> 01:12:22.239
and the sounds of the wrong word, isn't it. I was

892
01:12:22.359 --> 01:12:25.159
rediagnosed with what I'd already prove, is that being diagnosed

893
01:12:25.159 --> 01:12:31.439
as with anxiety and stuff, and so I started having

894
01:12:32.640 --> 01:12:35.960
I started going in having psychotherapy so I was on

895
01:12:36.000 --> 01:12:38.560
a waiting list for that. I was put on medication

896
01:12:38.880 --> 01:12:46.079
for the mood stabilizers for the bipolar and still took

897
01:12:46.159 --> 01:12:53.560
the antidepressants as well, and then.

898
01:12:54.880 --> 01:12:57.199
I didn't know right I was.

899
01:12:57.319 --> 01:13:01.600
I had psychotherapy for over a year year and a half.

900
01:13:02.960 --> 01:13:07.479
I was finally released two thousand and seventeen or was

901
01:13:07.520 --> 01:13:15.800
it twenty eighteen, So from two thousand and thirteen for

902
01:13:15.920 --> 01:13:20.520
five years really, so from beginning to them releasing me,

903
01:13:20.520 --> 01:13:23.199
it was a five year period. It wasn't like all

904
01:13:23.199 --> 01:13:25.840
the time for five years, and I wasn't hospitalized or anything,

905
01:13:26.279 --> 01:13:28.439
but it was a five year period when I went

906
01:13:28.479 --> 01:13:32.319
to the bipolar group and you know, all different things.

907
01:13:32.680 --> 01:13:37.800
And eventually after five years, I was released, released from

908
01:13:37.800 --> 01:13:45.000
my contract and my psychotherapist, first of all, we went

909
01:13:45.159 --> 01:13:48.399
I went to see her, and then she started coming here,

910
01:13:51.000 --> 01:13:53.079
it's my psychologist, and we.

911
01:13:52.920 --> 01:13:56.560
Were doing I didn't know what. I didn't know what

912
01:13:56.560 --> 01:14:01.680
we were doing. And she said something to me once

913
01:14:01.720 --> 01:14:03.600
because I said, I don't know what it was. I

914
01:14:03.600 --> 01:14:05.560
said to her.

915
01:14:06.800 --> 01:14:09.359
It was like a question, I don't understand this, understand

916
01:14:09.399 --> 01:14:13.319
why this happens. I said, I don't know why I'm

917
01:14:13.399 --> 01:14:15.399
like this. So I was sitting over there at the table.

918
01:14:15.479 --> 01:14:17.920
She was sitting opposite at the table, and I had

919
01:14:17.960 --> 01:14:22.920
Andre running around trying to get inside a purse. He

920
01:14:22.960 --> 01:14:27.399
was literally inside a handbag at some point. It was funny.

921
01:14:27.600 --> 01:14:30.279
She didn't laugh. I did, and.

922
01:14:31.600 --> 01:14:33.600
I said, I don't understand that, and she said, well,

923
01:14:34.279 --> 01:14:38.600
it's probably just it's because of the part of the

924
01:14:38.640 --> 01:14:47.760
personality disorder. I said, what, So this was twenty fifteen, right,

925
01:14:49.880 --> 01:14:52.560
No one said anything to me about having a personality disorder.

926
01:14:53.399 --> 01:14:55.880
I knew about the bipolar. They told me bipolar. I'd

927
01:14:55.920 --> 01:15:02.479
already been diagnosed before bipolar. Okay, no one mentioned personality disorder,

928
01:15:02.840 --> 01:15:06.079
but they diagnosed me and not even told me that

929
01:15:06.199 --> 01:15:08.800
was my official diagnosis medically.

930
01:15:08.960 --> 01:15:18.039
Yeah, And I was upset because it it tapped into

931
01:15:18.079 --> 01:15:20.119
something separate which I do not want to go into.

932
01:15:20.159 --> 01:15:31.079
But it was really weird. So I suppose really.

933
01:15:30.840 --> 01:15:36.880
I wasn't probably diagnosed with bipolar, probably till two thousand. No,

934
01:15:37.000 --> 01:15:41.079
it's twenty thirteen, the end of twenty thirteen, I suppose,

935
01:15:42.000 --> 01:15:44.000
So it's over a year and a half before I

936
01:15:44.039 --> 01:15:50.159
even heard about the borderline personality like emotionally unstable borderline

937
01:15:50.199 --> 01:15:58.960
personality disorder eupdp EB emotionally unstable personality disorder.

938
01:16:00.119 --> 01:16:18.319
If okay, I've got to look this up. EUPD with with.

939
01:16:22.319 --> 01:16:32.600
There's different things that comes with it can come with okay,

940
01:16:35.960 --> 01:16:43.600
emotional unstowed personality disorder. It affects hundly one percent of

941
01:16:43.640 --> 01:16:49.920
the population. It's common for EUPD to coexist with other

942
01:16:50.000 --> 01:16:56.640
psychological health conditions e g. Depression and other anxiety and stuff.

943
01:16:58.399 --> 01:17:01.880
The cause used includes both in genetic and environmental with

944
01:17:02.000 --> 01:17:04.880
a history of childhood stuff.

945
01:17:12.680 --> 01:17:13.680
So DBT.

946
01:17:14.479 --> 01:17:17.520
What my psychologist was coming around to do with me

947
01:17:17.760 --> 01:17:22.199
was DBT called dialectical behavioral therapy.

948
01:17:23.760 --> 01:17:28.920
I didn't know that. I didn't know.

949
01:17:30.520 --> 01:17:35.920
So she was really there more for them personality disorder

950
01:17:36.359 --> 01:17:38.079
than for the bipolar.

951
01:17:39.680 --> 01:17:41.319
I mean, with bipolar.

952
01:17:40.840 --> 01:17:49.359
There's coping strategies, there's yeah, there's an overlap, but the

953
01:17:49.359 --> 01:17:50.680
whole what's going on here.

954
01:17:53.279 --> 01:17:53.680
Some of the.

955
01:17:53.680 --> 01:17:59.880
Symptoms intense fluctuating emotions with mood changes out at our

956
01:18:00.199 --> 01:18:06.520
or day to day tack relationships are difficulty maintaining stable relationships.

957
01:18:07.479 --> 01:18:15.399
I don't even don't even try to anymore. Impulsivity, Yeah,

958
01:18:15.640 --> 01:18:20.560
apparently that's what I minus. It's EUBD with impulsivity, and

959
01:18:24.039 --> 01:18:31.279
I think I'll have to look it up, but yeah,

960
01:18:31.520 --> 01:18:35.239
it's it's really weird to see something just like it

961
01:18:35.359 --> 01:18:37.279
explained you. It's very strange.

962
01:18:38.279 --> 01:18:42.359
But there's also the the bipolar as well, so it's

963
01:18:42.439 --> 01:18:46.640
kind of it's both of them.

964
01:18:46.960 --> 01:18:48.960
I don't know why I'm talking about this today, because

965
01:18:48.960 --> 01:18:57.319
this isn't really let me boy to sleep proper, Really, Vinny,

966
01:18:57.399 --> 01:18:59.319
are you really going to be making noises like that?

967
01:19:00.880 --> 01:19:02.319
This isn't really.

968
01:19:04.399 --> 01:19:08.960
Maybe I'm just going to call it talking about bipolar.

969
01:19:10.159 --> 01:19:15.600
And b DP eup D. I don't know, talking about

970
01:19:15.600 --> 01:19:21.159
being mental. I suppose I could put that down how

971
01:19:21.279 --> 01:19:24.079
mental am I?

972
01:19:24.079 --> 01:19:27.279
I don't know it's I don't know what the title

973
01:19:27.359 --> 01:19:31.000
could be, but yeah, I thought it just it just

974
01:19:31.039 --> 01:19:31.720
seems to be what.

975
01:19:31.720 --> 01:19:32.479
I've talked about.

976
01:19:33.600 --> 01:19:37.279
I don't ever really plan what I'm going to talk about,

977
01:19:41.760 --> 01:19:43.520
but I guess if I put it in the title,

978
01:19:43.600 --> 01:19:44.640
then people are going to know.

979
01:19:46.560 --> 01:19:48.840
It makes sense, doesn't it?

980
01:19:48.840 --> 01:19:56.600
It makes a sense to me. I've got a very

981
01:19:56.640 --> 01:20:04.720
iffy fart building up. It's a confusing part, you know.

982
01:20:04.840 --> 01:20:12.520
I'm not sure if it's safe or not. And I

983
01:20:12.600 --> 01:20:16.720
literally just had a shower a few weeks ago, so

984
01:20:16.760 --> 01:20:21.279
I don't want to I don't want to make him.

985
01:20:21.319 --> 01:20:30.119
I don't wanna make a miss wow, oh dear so Yeah,

986
01:20:30.279 --> 01:20:32.199
I just I don't know why I'm talking about this.

987
01:20:35.079 --> 01:20:43.039
I don't know why I'm talking about this. I don't

988
01:20:43.119 --> 01:20:52.079
know why I'm talking so much. Crab did that's it, really,

989
01:20:52.199 --> 01:20:56.960
I'm just just chatting about I suppose because I've been Yeah,

990
01:20:56.960 --> 01:21:00.279
I've been going through it a little bit, and I

991
01:21:00.279 --> 01:21:04.680
suppose I kind of would like to kind of explain

992
01:21:05.560 --> 01:21:08.319
a little bit about what it's like from my perspective.

993
01:21:09.680 --> 01:21:11.680
I don't think I have, really, I don't think I've

994
01:21:11.920 --> 01:21:14.319
particularly delved too deeply.

995
01:21:18.800 --> 01:21:25.479
I've touched the surface. But I don't know. I didn't

996
01:21:25.520 --> 01:21:30.760
expect a therapy session. Nobody expects a therapy session. I

997
01:21:30.760 --> 01:21:37.039
don't know. I might have a cornetto.

998
01:21:37.840 --> 01:21:40.680
I know it's not perhaps relevant to what we're talking about,

999
01:21:40.720 --> 01:21:47.359
but I suddenly got the urge, the urge to purge

1000
01:21:47.720 --> 01:21:48.600
on cornetto's.

1001
01:21:51.479 --> 01:21:54.119
So that's it. I'm going to go, Thank you.

1002
01:21:54.079 --> 01:22:00.000
For listening, and remember to be kind to yourself because

1003
01:22:00.119 --> 01:22:03.079
you do deserve to be happy and be gentle with yourself.

1004
01:22:04.600 --> 01:22:16.439
You deserve to feel safe. Lots of love. Bye,