(Long Music) #10 THE FLATULANT EXOTIC MERMAID - Jasons Bed Time Story Time

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is bedtime or Jason's Bedtime Storytime. And today I'm going to read a book. What's it called? I'm going to read a story but it's going to be my adaption of that story.

Okay so and this is from the Dutch fairy tales for young folks William Elliot Griffiths. But as I said I'm going to adapt it for myself. I can't see what year it was from.

It's probably a long time ago. But some out of copyright books, if they're adapted and changed a little bit, they can then have copyright. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to adapt it.

Therefore I'm not breaking any copyright rules. There you go. So I hope you're all well and you're ready to listen to this book or this story.

It's called the Enchanted Mermaid. So we're going to call it the Enchanted Mermaid. Here we go.

Long ago in fairy tale land there lived a young mermaid who was really happy with how wonderful she looked. She was a she was part of a family of lake folks dwelling not far from the sea. She lived in a great pool of water that was a mixture of salt and fresh water and laid around an island near the mouth of a river.

Some of the day when the sea tides were out she splashed and played. She dived and swam in the soft water and she had lots of fun. When the ocean heaved and the salt water rushed in the mermaid floated, frolicked and paddled with the freedom of a hedgehog in the middle of night just wandering through a field about a worry.

Her father was a grey bearded merry man and very proud of his handsome daughter especially her wonderfully groomed moustache. He owned an island near the river mouth. It's called mouth.

Is that near? Where the young mermaids held their picnics and parties and received the visits of young merry men. I'm not quite sure what a merry man is. Is it just someone's merry like they're quite happy or they've been drinking so they're merry? I don't know.

It doesn't go into detail. Her mother and two aunts were merwomen. Ah merry men.

Merry's mermen. Ah maybe they were merwomen. All of these were sober folks and attended to the business which occupies all well brought up mermaids and merry men.

So that must be the name for mermen. Merry men. Okay now we're there.

This was to keep their pool clean and nice. No frogs toads or eels or elephants or hunchbacks were allowed near. Monkeys were okay but nothing else.

But in the work of daily house cleaning the storks and mermen's maids were great friends. The storks. How do you make friends with a stork? It's a bird isn't it? I mean I guess you can befriend it.

But I'd have thought being a stork it'd probably try to eat her because she was a fish. All water creatures that were not thought to be polite and well behaved were expected to keep away. Even some silly birds such as loons and plovers and seagulls and pigeons and golden eagles and all screaming and fighting creatures with wings such as serpents and and chickens were warned off the premises because they were not wanted.

A bit posh I'd say. A bit posh. This family of merry folks liked to have a nice quiet time by themselves without any rude folks on legs or with wings or fins from the outside.

They're covering all bases here aren't they? And a crocodile arrived and they said but you're not allowed and the crocodile said but I don't fit any of the criteria for your not wanting me. I'm a crocodile. I can indeed swim in water but I don't have fins.

I don't have legs. Yeah you do have legs. No they're paddles.

Humans call them legs but they're not. They're paddles. No they're legs.

No they're paddles. But you can walk on them. Yeah they're paddles that I walk on.

I mean stilts aren't legs are they? But you can walk on them. So they just let him in and they couldn't be bothered to argue. So yeah indeed they wished to make their pool a model for all respectable mermaids and merrymen for 10 leagues around.

I suppose I mean 10 how do you measure that? You think they didn't they clearly didn't assimilate into the you know the human race at all. No we're still going to use the word leagues. No we use miles here.

No leagues. Leagues. No foot.

Inches. Miles. Kilometers.

No leagues. No. Yep leagues.

That's what we're going to use. We are mermaids. Okay.

It was very funny to see the old daddy merman with a switch made of reeds. Not really sure what a switch is. And reeds is kind of like a plant or something isn't it? Shooing off the saucy bird.

The saucy birds. That must be why it's called exotic or erotic. Oh oh a nice saucy bird.

Such as the sandpipers and the screeching gulls. And uh one of the little little mermaid little girls said to her mummy. Mummy why do seagulls screech so much when they fly? And the little mermaid's mother said well the reason for that young lady is because seagulls are uh they're scared of heights.

Mummy that doesn't make sense. Not everything makes sense darling. Oh that mummy.

Go away. Oh that's okay. For the bullfrogs too big for the storks to swallow.

And for impudent fishes he had a whip made of seaweed. So that was what a switch is. It's a whip basically.

For the bullfrogs too big for the storks. Well they really didn't like other animals did they? Perhaps it's because they were half half. They were like they didn't know if they were human or fish.

Therefore they didn't seem to like anything else. Yeah I can't decide what I am. I don't get it.

I don't. I used to have such a soft spot for mermaids. Especially since that film Splash.

And mind you I did like her but I wasn't I wasn't a big fan of her in Kill Bill 2 I think it was. Or Kill Bill. She's she really turned.

She was so lovely when she first arrived out of the water. But she turned into a bit of a ninja really. It was a bit yeah.

But she looked good though. I mean must have been all that that salt. Salt is supposed to be quite good for your face isn't it for your skin and stuff.

And that's why I always say of course all the mermaids in good society were welcome. But young mermen were allowed to call only once a month during the week when the moon was full. Were you sure they weren't were were were men or wolf.

No forget it. Then the evenings were usually clear so that when the party broke up the mermen could see their way in the moonlight to swim safely back home with their mermaid girlfriends. For there were sea monsters that loved to plague the merfolk and even threatened to eat them up.

The mermaids dear creatures had to be escorted home. So they weren't the escorts though. They were escorted.

They were being escorted. A different story I guess. But they felt safe for their mermen brothers and daddies were so fierce that except sharks even the larger fish such as porpoises and dolphins were afraid to come near them.

Are you sure it's not porpoises. Porpoises. Porpoises.

Because you know some parts of the country here they stay honestly they they call tortoises tortoises. What's that about. And even dolphins were afraid to come near them.

One day daddy and the mother left to visit some relatives near the island of Urk. So they were to be gone gone for a few days but their daughter was to have a party. She decided to have a party while they were away and and her aunts were going to be the chaperones.

And the mermaids you this is not really going anywhere is it this story. I mean I'm surprised they haven't described the colour of the walls and what kind of flip-flops they were wearing. I mean just where's it going.

It's very slow isn't it. It's a very slow story. The mermaids usually held their picnics on an island in the midst of the pool.

Here they would sit and sunbathe. They talked about their fashions and the prettiest way to dress their hair. You don't dress your hair.

You don't put a little skirt on your head do you. Little blouse. Little bra.

You know little you know little pair of flip-flops. I mean it's your style you have. You don't you you don't dress your hair.

Each one had a pocket mirror. But where they kept these while swimming. No.

Oh dear. This is it. This got it taking a bit of a weird turn.

Each one of the mermaids had a pocket mirror. But where they kept these while swimming. No mortal ever found out.

I wonder if their mirrors ever got cracked. I suppose. Um.

They made reefs of bright colored sea weed. Various different colors and everything. And wore them on their brows like cocoon cornettos.

Or they twined them along with sea berries and bubble blossoms among their tresses. What's a tress? Tress? Sometimes they made girdles of the strongest. Of the strongest and knotted them around their waists.

Of the strongest what? Barbed wire? Tea leaves? Jelly babies? I mean why it doesn't. I guess. Every once in a while they chose a queen of beauty for their ruler.

Then each of the others pretended to be a princess. Their games and sports often lasted all day long. And they were very happy.

Swimming out in the salt water the mermaids would go and search for pearls and corals and hamburgers and other pretty things that I can't pronounce. Then they would bring them to their queen. Or with them which the adornments themselves adorn themselves.

I think it just means they wear the stuff they catch. And thus the mermaid queen and her maidens made a court of beauty that was very famous. Wherever mermaids and mermen do dwell.

They often talked about human maids. How funny it must be to wear clothes said one. And they could get cold because they have to keep warm.

It was a little chit-chat of a mermaid whose flippers had hardly begun to grow into hands that asked this question. How can they swim with petticoats on? Asked another. I better heard that real men wear wooden shoes.

These must baffle them. When on the water to have their feet floating said a third whose name was Silver Scales. What a pity they don't have flukes like us.

And then she looked at her own scaly smelly coat in admiration. I can hardly believe it said a mermaid. That was very seems to be very proud of her fine figure and slender waist.

These girls can't be half as pretty as we are. Well I should like to be a real woman for a while just to try it and see how it feels to walk on legs said another rather demurely. Whatever that means.

As if afraid the other mermaids might not like her remark. Oh they they didn't. No they didn't at all.

Out sounded a lusty chorus. No no horrible. What an idea.

Who wouldn't be a mermaid? Well I've heard cried one that a real woman have to work, wash their husband's underwear, milk cows, dig potato holes, clean floors and take care of calves. Who would be a woman? Not I. And her snub nose since it could not turn up grew wide at the roots. This okay.

She was sneering at the idea that a creature in petticoats could look as lovely as lovely or even lovelier than one of those smelly scaly mermaids. Besides she said, think of their big noses and I'm told too that girls even have to wear hairpins. At this the very thought that anyone should have to bind up their tresses.

Oh there was a shock of disgust with with some while others clapped their hands partly in envy and partly in glee and a couple of the mermaids bungee jumped to show their their emotions I guess. Do they like bungee jumping? I'm not sure if they were really involved. They're kind of on the peripheral of the story if I'm honest.

They just did it. But the funniest things that the mermaids heard of were gloves and they laughed ever so much over such things as covers for the fingers. Just for fun one of the little mermaids used to draw some bag like seaweed over her hands to see how such things looked.

One day while sunning themselves in the grass on the island one of their number found a bush. And they all thought look at this bush and they all studied it and I want to look at it that this bush. I said what is it? It's a bush.

Why come you've got a bush? None of us have. It's not my bush. I just found it.

You know I don't own it. It's just just there. She said oh okay and um it had it was a place where fox gloves grew whatever they are.

Plucking at this bush she covered each one of her fingers with a red flower then flopping over to the other girls she helped up her bushy hands that looked like gloves so she was fingering the bush and got the got lots and lots of bits from the bush and then sort of wrapped them around her hands and fingers to make herself look like she had gloves. Half in fright and half in envy they heard her story.

After listening the party was about to break up.

I mean what kind of story is it? It's just well I found this bush and I fingered it and got all the the bits and and I made my hand my hand recovered in hair.

Well it looks like you know bushy stuff and anyway after listening the party was about to break up when suddenly a young merman splashed all over the no interview or splashed because there was water so they all got splashed with water and suddenly they saw him the tide was running out and the stream low so he had hard he had had hard had he work to get through the fresh water of the river and to the island.

Luckily he was a fish so it probably wasn't that difficult.

His eyes dropped salt water as if he were crying. He looked ever so tired whilst puffing and pounting and blowing and he he seemed like he was struggling to get his breath. The queen of the mermaids asked him what he meant by coming among her maids at such an hour and in such a condition.

So at this the bashful merman began to blubber. Some of the merry girls a mer-girl shall put their hands over their mouths to hide their laughter. While they winked at each other and their eyes showed how they enjoyed the fun.

To have a merman among them at that hour in broad daylight and crying was too much for dignity. Boo-hoo, boo-hoo and the merman still wept salt water tears as he tried to catch his breath. Now I've been around a while you know.

I've seen a few people cry over the years. I've never ever heard anyone go boo-hoo. I'd have to leave the room.

Boo-hoo, boo-hoo. I mean it sounds like sarcastic crying doesn't it? Boo-hoo, boo-hoo. At last he was able to talk sensibly and he warned the queen that a party of horrid men in wooden shoes with pickaxes, spades and pumps were coming to drain the swamp and pump out the pool.

He had heard that they would make the river a canal and build a dike that should keep out the ocean. Alas, alas cried one of the merm-one mermaid wringing her hands. How do you wring your hands unless you had water in them? Maybe she had hands made of sponges.

Where shall we go when our pool is destroyed? We can't live in the ocean all the time. Then she wept copiously. Copiously, in other words quite a lot.

The salt water tears fell from her great round eyes in big melon drops. Hush cried the queen. I don't believe the merman story.

It only tells it to frighten a hound. It's just like him. In fact the queen suspected that the merman story was a sham and that he had come among her maids with a set purpose to run off with silver scales.

She was one of the prettiest mermaids in the company, but very young, vain and frivolous. It was no secret that she and the merman were in love and wanted to get married. So the queen suspected that he was trying to run off with her.

Suspected. But then it was no secret that they were in love and wanted to get married. That's a quick queen, isn't it? Very quick.

So the queen, without even thanking him, dismissed the swimming messenger. Get out! After dinner, the company broke up and the queen retired to her cave to take a long nap. She was very tired after all the entertainment and all the company.

Besides, since daddy and her mother were away and there was no one left to entertain, and since it was a dark night and no moon shining on the water, what's the point in her getting up early in the morning? So the mermaid queen slept much longer than ever before. I don't know if she kept a diary of, you know, her sleeping patterns. Maybe she did.

Indeed, it was not till near sunset the next day that she awoke, taking her comb and her mirror in hand. I wonder where she kept the mirror when she was asleep. She started to swim and splash in the pool in order to smooth out her tresses and get ready for supper.

But oh, what a change from the day before. What was the matter? It seemed that all the things around her looked different. The water had fallen low and the pool was nearly empty.

The river, instead of flowing, was as quiet as a pond. Horrors! When she swam forward, what should she see but a dyke. She'd never seen a dyke before.

She was very confused. Didn't know if she liked the dyke or didn't like the dyke. And there was also fences.

An army of horrid men had come when she was asleep and built a dam. That was quick. They had fenced around the swamp and were actually beginning to dig sluices to drain the land.

Some were at work building a windmill to help in pumping out the water. The first thing she knew, she had bumped her pretty nose against the dam. She thought at once of escaping over the logs and into the sea.

When she tried to clamp her over the top and get through the fence, her hair got so entangled between the bars that she had to throw away her comb and mirror and try to untangle her tresses. Why didn't she just put a mirror in? I thought it was hidden somewhere, you know, when she swam. Inconsistent.

This story's inconsistent. The more she tried, the worse became the tangle in her hair. And soon her long hair was all twisted up in the timber.

In vain were her struggles to escape, she was ready to die with fright when she saw four horrid men rush up to seize her. She attempted to waddle away. I don't know why that's funny, waddle.

She attempted to waddle away, but her long hair held her to the post and rails. Her modesty was so dreadfully shocked that she fainted away. When she came to herself, she found she was in a big long tub.

So when she came around, when she became conscious again, a crowd of curious little girls and boys were looking at her, for she was on show as a great curiosity. They were bound to see her and get their money's worth in looking for they had paid a five dollars admission to the show. And before all these eyes, her modesty was laid bare.

And she gave one groan, flopped over, and died in the tub. Well, woe to the poor father and mother at Urk. They came back to find their old home gone, unable to get into it.

They swam out to sea, never stopping till they reached Spitzenburgen. Is that a real place? Sounds like a sausage. What became of the body of the Mermaid Queen? Learned men came from Leyden to examine what was now only a specimen and to see how mermaids were made up.

Then her skin was stuffed and her eye, glass eyes, put in where her shiny orbs had been. After this, her body was stuffed and mounted in the museum. That is, set up above a glass case and resting upon iron rods.

Artists came to take pictures of her, and no fewer than nine noblemen copied her pretty form and features into their coats of arms. Instead of the mermaid's pool is now a cheese farm of 50 cows, a fine house and a barn and a family of children who'd walk and play in wooden shoes. I imagine they had problems with Ingrid and Tonal wearing wooden shoes.

Why practical is it? I mean, it's good if you drop something on your feet, because the wood, you know, protect your feet. Good, good toe cap protectors, but yeah, I don't imagine they're very, very comfortable. And how would you ever creep up on someone? So this particular mermaid, all because of her entanglement in the fence, was now more famous when stuffed than when living.

While all her young friends and older relatives were forgotten. And none of them lived happily ever after. What a cheery story.

I had no idea it was going to go that way. It seemed like it was going in quite a nice direction. I thought that there'd be a nice wedding and you'll be flipping and flapping around.

And, you know, there'd be some weird image in my head about the honeymoon. But no, she got stuffed. But differently from, I'm talking about the honeymoon, I'm just saying she got stuffed.

She got, you know, like a, like an owl. Oh, so this is from the book, Dutch Fairy Tales. I hope the next one's a bit cheerier.

I don't know. Anyway, sweet dreams. Bye.