(Short Voice) #14 JACK AND THE TALL WEED - Jasons Bed Time Story Time

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Jason's Bedtime Storytime and today I'm going to read Jack and the Beanstalk.

It's an English fairy tale and it's open source so anyone can read it and yeah that's it really so anyone can read it in a recording or a video and stuff like that because it's very very old just like my underpants so I'm going to read this book to you and you can just lie down listen and fall asleep so I'm going to read the story now so here we go There was once upon a time a poor widow who had only who had an only son named Jack and the

cow named Milky White and all they had to live on was the milk the cow gave every morning which they carried to the market and sold but one morning Milky White gave no milk and they didn't know what to do what shall we do what shall we do said the widow wringing her hands wringing her must be very wet she wrung her hands cheer up mama I'll go and get work somewhere said Jack we've tried that before and nobody would take you said his mother we must sell Milky White and

with the money do something start shop or something all right mother said Jack it's market day today and I'll soon sell Milky White and then we will see what we can do so he took the cow's halter in his hand and off he starts he hadn't gone far when he met a funny looking old man who said to him good morning Jack good morning to you said Jack and wondered how he knew his name well Jack and where are off you off to today yeah said the man I'm going to

the market to sell our cow for my mum and we're going to sell it and when we get the money are we going to open a shop or something like that oh you look the proper sort of chap to sell cows said the man I wonder if you know how many beans make five two in each hand and one in your mouth says Jack as sharp as a needle what said the man that doesn't even make sense two in each hand and one in your mouth what a ridiculous answer well

I don't know why you think it's ridiculous I thought it was quite clever said Jack it's not though is it said the man it's it's a really silly really silly answer no but you see because you've got two hands and there's five beans and two in each hand and you've got to have somewhere else to put the other one and as this is a children's story can't put it up my bum can I so I put it in my mouth ah right you are said the man and here are the

very beans themselves he went on pulling out of his pocket a number of strange looking beans are you as you are oh yeah you sorry said Jack oh it's okay just remembering a time when I was a pirate oh anyway as you are so sharp said he I don't mind doing a swap with you your cow for these beans Walker said Jack wouldn't you like it oh you don't know what these beans are said the man if you plant them overnight by morning they grow up to the sky really said

Jack you don't say so yes that is so and if it doesn't turn out to be true you can have your cow back right said Jack that does it when you first told me about the idea and the offer I thought that's ridiculous because it's a cow can I swap a cow for some smelly beans it's been up your bum but then when you explained it that way and you said that if it doesn't grow up to be a big tree a beanstalk thing I have to look up what beanstalk

is but it sounds quite impressive and I guess it's a stalk made from a bean and you give me my cow back and I guess it sounds like quite a good idea is it okay if I phone my mum to find out if she's all right with it no we don't have time for such things besides telephones don't exist yet oh I could skype her no the internet doesn't exist either what about smoke signals you can't say that sticks haven't been invented true but we don't have time I have things

to be getting on with oh all right then says Jack and hands him over Milky White's halter and pockets the beans back goes Jack home and as he hadn't gone very far it wasn't dusk by the time he got to his door what back so soon Jack said his mother I see you haven't got Milky White so you sold her how much did you get for her you'll never guess mama said Jack no I don't want to guess I just want you to tell me it's not a game it's our

livelihood we haven't eaten for 14 years I need to know what did you get for our cow we'll be living on milk I just want to know what it feels like to have a bowel movement okay mother everything yes it went really well no you don't say good boy five pounds ten fifty no come did you get 20 pounds I told you you couldn't guess what do you say to these beans look they're magical plant them overnight and you can what did you say said Jack's mother have you been such

a fool such an adult such an idiot as to give away my Milky White the best milker in the parish and prime beef to boot for a set of poultry beans take that and that and that's for your precious beans here they go out the window now off with you to bed are you not having any milk either because we haven't got any not a sip shall you drink and not a bit shall you swallow this very night so Jack went upstairs to his little room in the attic and sad

and sorry he was to be sure as much of his mother's sake as much for his mother's sake as for the loss of his supper starting to realize that actions have consequences at last he dropped off to sleep staring at the ceiling and wondering if one day he'll ever be able to fly on a magic carpet when he woke up the room looked so funny it really looked funny the sun was shining into part of it and yet all the rest was quite dark and shady so Jack jumped up and

dressed himself and went to the window and what do you think he saw why the beans his mother had thrown out of the window into the garden had sprung up into a big beanstalk which went up and up and up till it reached the sky so the man spoke truth after all I bet his mum's gonna feel silly the beanstalk grew up quite close past Jack's window so all he had to do was to open it and give a jump onto the beanstalk which was made like a big plated ladder

like rope so Jack climbed and he climbed and he climbed and he climbed and he climbed and when he got there he found a long broad road going as straight as a dart so he walked along and he walked along and he walked along till he came to a great big tall house and on the doorstep there was a great big tall woman and she said to the man good morning mum says Jack quite polite like could you be so kind as to give me some breakfast for he hadn't had

anything to eat you know the night before and was hungry as a hunter it's breakfast you want is it said the big great big tall woman it's breakfast you'll be if you don't move off from here you're gonna be breakfast my man is an ogre and there's nothing he likes better than boys boiled on toast you'd better be moving you better be moving on or he'll soon be coming oh please mum do give me something to eat mum i've had nothing to eat since yesterday morning really and truly mum said

jack bit oblivious to the actual realities of the situation i may as well be brawled as die of hunger i don't think he was taking this very seriously well the ogre's wife wasn't such a bad saw after all so she took jack into the kitchen and gave him a junk of bread and cheese a jug of milk as well nice jug of milk but jack hadn't half finished these when thump thump thump the whole house began to tremble with the noise of someone coming goodness gracious me it's the old man

said the ogre's wife what else should i do here come quick and jump in here and she bundled jack into the oven just as the ogre came in he was a big one to be sure at his belt he had three calves strung up by the heels and he unhooked them and threw them down on the table and said here wife brought me a couple of these for breakfast lovely what's that i smell i smell the blood of an englishman be he alive or be he dead i'll have his bones

to grind my bread nonsense dear said his wife you're dreaming or perhaps you smell the scraps of that little boy you like so much for yesterday's dinner here go you and have a wash and tidy up by the time you come back your breakfast will be ready for you so the ogre went off and jack was just going to jump out of the oven and run off when the woman told him not not to she said wait wait till he's asleep she said he always has a snooze after breakfast well

the ogre had his breakfast and after that he goes to a big chest and takes out of it a couple of bags of gold and sits down counting them till at last his head began to nod and he began to snore till the whole house shook again with the snoring then jack crept out on tiptoe from his oven and he was passing the ogre and as he was passing the ogre he he took one of the bags of gold under his arm because he was a little stinking smelly thief and

uh yeah so from this point onwards anything bad that happens to him doesn't really matter does it no so he stole the gold and off his pelters and off he pelters till he came to the beanstalk and then he threw down the bag of gold which of course fell into his mother's garden and then he climbed down and climbed down till at last he got home and he told his mother and showed her the gild and said well mother wasn't I right about the beans they are really magical you say

and his mother said uh you little thief what a horrible little smelly thief you are you stole off that lovely ogre and that lady she gave you food she she gave you breakfast she kept you safe from her husband who was going to grind your bones up into into into stuff and eat you and how did you repay her hospitality you stole you smelly little thief horrible disgusting thief stealing smelly little thief smelly little thief so they lived on the bag of gold for some time but at last they came

to the end of that so jack made up his mind to try his luck once more time up at the top of the beanstalk so one fine morning he caught up really early and got onto the beanstalk and he climbed and he climbed and he climbed and he climbed and he really he climbed and at last he got on the road again at the top of the beanstalk and he came to the great big tall house he had been to before and stolen from them because he was a little smelly

thief a little smelly thief uh called jack there sure enough was the great big tall woman standing on the doorstep good morning mum said jack as bold as brass could you be so kind as to give me something to eat go away my boy said the big tall woman or else my man will eat you up for breakfast but aren't you the youngster who came here once before do you know that for that very day my man missed one of his his bags of gold it's almost like it was stolen

from a little smelly thief a little smelly thief that's strange mum said jack i dare say i could tell you something about that but i could tell you something about it but i'm so hungry i can't speak till i've had something to eat well the big tall woman was that curious that she took him in and gave him something to eat but he had scarcely begun munching it as slowly as he could for some reason he was decided to eat really slowly when thump thump thump they heard the giant's footstep

and his wife hid jack away in the oven again back in the oven all happened as it did before in came the yoga as he did before he had his breakfast a free broiled oxen then he said wife bring me the hen that lays the golden eggs so she brought it and the ogre said lay and it lay an egg probably out of fright because it's you know it's just a normal chicken really well not normal chicken because it laid golden eggs but the ogre was pretty big and uh and

then the ogre began to nod his head and to snore till the house shook shake shake shake shake shake shake shake shake shake shake then jack crept out of the oven on tiptoe and caught hold of the golden hen and was off before you could say jack robinson smelly little thief smelly little thief but this time the hen gave a cackle which woke the ogre let's say this time the hen like there was no hen last time like the hen gave a cackle this time unlike the bag of gold bag

of gold didn't give a cackle didn't make a sound anyway the hen started yelling that's a hen cackling and that waked up the ogre and just as jack got out of the house he heard him calling wife wife what have you done with my golden hen and the wife said why my dear but that was all jack heard for he rushed off to the beanstalk and climbed down like a house on fire because houses on fire are well known for their climbing abilities and when he got home he showed his

mother the wonderful hen and said lay to it and it laid a golden egg every time he said lay lay lay lay lay lay lay lay well jack was not content and it wasn't very long before he determined to have another try at his luck up there at the top of the beanstalk so one fine morning he got up early and went to the beanstalk and he climbed and he climbed and he climbed and he climbed till he got to the top but this time he knew better than to go

straight to the ogre's house and when he got near it he waited behind a bush till he saw the ogre's wife come out with a pail to get some water and then he crept into the house and got into the copper not quite sure what the copper is something made of metal i suppose maybe it was the oven like before i'm not sure he hadn't been there long when he heard thump thump thump as before and in come the ogre and his wife Fee Fie Foe Fum i smell the blood

of an english man cried the ogre i smell him wife i do i do i smell him do you my dearie said the ogre's wife not a very good actress i think she knew he was there then if it's that little rogue that stole your gold and the hen that laid the golden eggs he's sure to have got into the oven like he did before and they rushed to the oven but jack wasn't there luckily for him and the ogre's wife said where are you again there you are again with

your Fee Fie Foe Fum what's going on about your Fee Fie Foe Fum why why do you why why what's the point i mean you suddenly become a poet when you when you when you feel you smell something why do you no wonder no one dares fart near you you start coming out with like lyrics like we ain't got time for that i mean why of course it's the laddie you caught last night that what why i don't know oh yeah it must be the laddie you caught last night isn't

it that's what it is that's what you're smelling i lost track there too much ad-libbing and i brought him for your breakfast he's nice and broiled how forgetful i am and how careless you are not to tell the difference between a liven and a deaden my cooking's not that bad you know you could do far worse than me i never appreciate it and when i don't you ever buy me flowers huh just a thank you now and then you don't seem to appreciate me at all i want marriage counseling so

the ogre sat down to the breakfast and ate it but every now and then he would mutter well i could have sworn and he'd get up and search the larder and the cupboards and everything only luckily he didn't think of the copper that copper to this day no one knows what a copper is but luckily jack hid in it after breakfast was over the ogre called out wife wife bring me my golden harp so she brought it and she put it onto the table before him and then he said sing

and the golden harp sang most beautifully beautifully and it went on singing until the ogre fell asleep and commenced to snore like thunder shaking the house then jack lifted up the copper lid very quietly and got down like a mouse and crept on hands and knees till he got to the table when he got up and caught hold of the golden harp and dashed with it towards the door but the harp called out quite loudly master master and the ogre woke up just in time to see jack running off with

his harp jack ran as fast as he could and the ogre came rushing after and would soon have caught him only jack had a start and dodged him a bit and knew where he was going we've been there quite a few times hasn't he you know dirty little thief dirty little thief when he got to the beanstalk the ogre was not more than 20 yards away when suddenly he saw jack disappear and he couldn't understand it where did the dirty little thief go he's just disappeared and when he got up

to the end of the road he saw jack underneath climbing down for dear life well the ogre didn't like trusting himself to such to such a ladder and he didn't know if he could take his weight and he stood and waited so jack got another start got further away but just then the harp cried out master master oh the ogre decided then ah i've had enough of this yeah and the ogre swung himself down onto the beanstalk which shook with his weight down climbs jack and after him climbed the ogre

and the ogre climbed back up by this time jack had climbed down and climbed down and you got it he climbed down till he was very nearly home so he called out mother mother bring me an axe bring me an axe and his mother came rushing out with the axe in her hand when she came to the beanstalk she stood stock still with fright for there she saw the ogre just coming down below the clouds but jack jumped down and got a hold of the axe and gave a chop at

the beanstalk which cut it half in two the ogre felt the beanstalk shake and quiver so he stopped to see what was the matter then jack gave another chop with the axe and the beanstalk was cut in two and began to topple over then the ogre fell down and broke his crown and the beanstalk came toppling after then jack showed his mother his golden harp and what was showing that and selling the golden eggs jack and his mother became very rich and he married a great princess and they lived happily

ever after but no matter what he did what he achieved in his life he's always going to be remembered i was going to be remembered as jack the smelly little thief the smelly little thief the end now go to sleep