(music) Vinnie keeps farting LMBYTS #1457 Jason Newland 9th October 2025

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. Just have a drink of water. Welcome to Let Me Bore You To Sleep. The place where you can listen to me talking and be bored.

Yeah it's my superpower. Yes it is my superpower. So yeah hey it's Thursday the 9th of October 2025.

And just taking Vinnie for a nice long walk in the fields. He must have been gone about an hour I reckon maybe 45 minutes 50 minutes. And I think it was good for him.

He doesn't get any like long walks very often. You know we go into the park he sniffs around and he enjoys that. It seems I say I mean I know he does.

He seems to enjoy that but but he seemed to also enjoy walking in the field or you know in the I say the fields at the parks you know with grass. The field is where they grow stuff. We know what fields are not farming like farm farming field.

If you know what I mean. Yesterday I shaved my head so I'm now bald again. A baldy man.

Vinnie's just farted. Why is he he's always got his bum facing me when he farts. Always like guaranteed.

And trying to think what else has happened. I boom boom yeah it was I really felt I'm feeling it now. I'm feeling the cold.

And it's not cold but I'm feeling it a bit because I haven't got my well I'm not wearing my wig am I. So my wig's not kind of keeping me head warm. Very strange. And the weird thing about it is because my hair's been annoying me for a little while.

Every time I go into the bathroom and do a wee wee I come out and I look in the mirror to check to see how messy my hair is. Even though I haven't got any hair. Strange isn't it.

So not a lot else really happening. I mean I do some experimentation with some adverts on Facebook. But I've paused them for a while.

I'm not making any more changes you know. So I paused them. I just did it for a couple of days.

I just wanted to see if there was. I did three days. I wanted to see if there was any kind of traction, any kind of engagement website wise.

And if there is I mean there still is engagement website wise and I haven't even got the adverts running. So people are still visiting my website now as we speak. But hasn't made a slight bit of difference to the podcasts or the stats.

So people are visiting but they're not listening to the recordings on there. Well not all of them anyway. Not all the recordings but not all the people.

Another thing I've got that I've done is on my website I now have playlists. So it's not a new concept. I've had that on previous versions of the website.

But now every all the playlists from if I Let Me Bore You To Sleep from 1 to 50 all the way up to 1401 to 1450 in groups of 50. So that's quite a few playlists there and you can listen to those. If you like you can also let me just check I'll go to the website and check that this is correct as well.

So click on playlists then click on Let Me Bore You To Sleep which will come up. Then let's say I'll choose 601 to 650. Each one allows you to play it.

You can like it. You can leave a message. You can also download it like instantly download to your computer to your phone for free.

So what I'll do is I'll turn the volume off and I'll move. Okay so if I go to 648. So whichever one you press on you press the play button it comes at the top of the playlist which then gives you the option.

You can fast forward or you can press download. You can share it. You can go back 10 seconds.

You can go forward 30 seconds. So yeah it's pretty cool. So that's that's there.

The good is in groups of 50. I've only got the ones without music at the moment but I will work on changing that in the future. It's just there'd be no point me doing playlists of 50 and then having all six recordings.

Although for the first thousand there's only one recording for each one anyway. But after that I started doing more. But then you know it'd be like 51, 52, 53.

So it'd be 300 recordings in each playlist. Which is not a small playlist to get through is it? I mean the average podcast on Apple and a lot of other places will only allow you to view up to 250 of the latest recordings. Which is why I'm doing this so that you can get access to the older stuff.

The really groovy stuff. Yeah yeah. So yeah that's what I'm doing.

That's what I've done rather. And I haven't I haven't got this section. So I've got a whole page Jason Newland's Relaxation and Sleep Podcasts.

Discover the full range of sleep hypnosis and relaxation podcasts by Jason Newland. Each series is designed to calm your mind, reduce anxiety and to help you drift effortlessly into sleep. So you've got Let Me Boyd Asleep, Deep Sleep Whisper Hypnosis, Relax and Sleep Hypnosis, Daily Relaxation for Stress and Panic Attacks.

They're the four podcasts that have the most recordings. So next to Let Me Boyd Asleep. So there's a link you can click on that and it takes you to the page that I just looked at.

The other three haven't been done yet. Although they kind of have been done. I just haven't built the page.

I do have the playlists already created on Spreaker. So next to Let Me Boyd Asleep. A conversational, meandering sleep podcast that gently relaxes your mind through slow, calming storytelling and sub subtle, subtle humour.

This long running series has over 1400 episodes and its own website. Its own website dedicated to helping listeners fall asleep naturally. It's not really true, is it? Okay.

No, I will not go back to more than one website. So my rule, and I'm happy for you to remind me of it if you like. Do it nicely.

Please be gentle. Be gentle with me. It's been a while.

I'm very sensitive. I plan, this is my plan going forward for the next year. So through 2026.

Stay alive. That's that's the main one, as is every year. Secondly, try and stay well.

Okay, that's the definite priority. But as far as the podcast go, be regular, be consistent. It's basically twinned with my bowels really, isn't it? Just regular bowel movements, regular recordings.

Be consistent. You need to be consistent with toilets, don't you need to be a toilet habit, just being consistent. Consistent.

And don't don't introduce any new objects. No. Okay, that's where it stops, isn't it? Don't don't do things differently.

Don't don't put more in it. No, I don't know how to explain it. Anyway, okay, maybe there's not a good example.

My plan is to be very, very basic. And I am pretty, pretty basic person anyway, to be honest. But basically to make a recording every day.

Let Me Bore You To Sleep recording every day. At least Monday to Friday. And that's it.

But really, that's it. No other taking on anything else. I'm probably gonna not bother with the whole descriptions or anything like that.

Or getting tag words or all the stuff I've been doing to try and make it a bit better and to try and get a larger audience hasn't worked. You know, hasn't the that's supposed to be good for search engine optimization, SEO. I don't think it makes any difference.

It doesn't seem to be. I might be wrong. So I'm just going to upload the recordings.

Make them make an image, upload them, or edit them, then upload them. And that's it. And then do another one the next day.

I'm not going to make any videos. Even though I do look particularly sexy right now. With my bald head.

Or I mean, the messages I'm getting from all of the private messages I'm getting from all the I'm not getting none. I don't know why I'm saying that. No, I've not got no messages, but all the things you'd like to do with me.

One is make me grow my hair back. That's the main one. Everyone's wear a hat.

Pretty much just put anything on my head just to cover up the bald, which is a little bit rude. I mean, it's nothing wrong with being bald. Some would say, well, why am I? Why do I shave my head when I'm not bald? When I've got a bald patch at the back and it is receding, my hair is thinning out and stuff.

But the way it's going, I reckon I reckon I'll still have hair on the top of my head. In 10 years time, I'm pretty sure, you know, so I will still have some hair on the top of my head, maybe even in 20 years time. But it won't be thick and curly.

It will definitely you will be yeah. I'll have to wear a hat in the summer. That's what I'm saying.

Because, you know, with hair, you haven't really got a way about your head getting sunburned. And for some reason, the head seems to be a bit more. The weird thing about it, though, I remember I used to shave my head, like with an actual razor razor, you know, like a wet shave it to the bone, as it were.

What surprised me is how tough the skin is on the scalp. It's really tough. It's not like shaving your face.

I mean, when I shave my face with a wet razor, which is something I haven't done for like, what, 10 years, maybe I don't know if maybe longer. And but if you do, you know, you got to be a little bit careful and it can it can nip or whatever on my head didn't have that problem. The only problem was if I kind of went over the same bit a little bit too often, then it could become a little bit thin or thin, I don't know, a little bit too much, a little bit scratchy.

But there's something really nice about touching my bald head. I mean, it's nice now. That is one good thing.

I do like playing with my head. And so that's, I think he's done a big, another big fart. Do you want to get on? He wants to get on my lap.

But he's just, but then I want to want to grab him to put on me on my lap. He like runs off. As soon as he puts his foot on one of my knees, I'll just pick him up.

You can hear me, can't you? You know, I'm going to do that. Okay, if you put one of your feet on my knees, and I'll pick you up and I can cuddle you. It's weird.

He doesn't, it's like he doesn't know how to approach, not romance, that's not the right word, affection. Because he is an affectionate dog, but he's just not outwardly affectionate. He kind of, he likes to do it subtly, subtly, subtly.

I'm just stroking his chest. He loves his stroke, his stroke being chest. He does.

Do you like having your stroke chest? Oh, I know I'm being silly. But he does, he loves his chest being stroked. It's just, I'm not quite sure.

It's comforting to him. It's a little, is it sensitive or is it just, what is it? Is it? You just like it, don't you? Yeah. Just basically a part between his, where his, his arms are, between his arms and his neck, that kind of area.

He's basically, he's got a, almost got a, like a marker for me to stroke, it's a white area. Isn't it Vin? It's a little white area. Oh, am I stroking your boobies? He looked at me like, that's enough.

Okay. All right. Wow.

That's it. All right. Okay.

You all right? He just, he squealed just then. I'm not quite close enough. I need to find a way.

I'm thinking maybe if I find a way to empty this desk so he could just sit on the desk or sleep on the desk there while we do recording, maybe he'd like that. I don't know. Cause he wants to be part of it.

He wants to, cause when I'm sitting on the chair or the sofa, he, he's basically lays next to me, cuddles up to my leg and he goes to sleep or sometimes he watches telly as well. But when I'm making a recording, I'm over here. It's on the other side of the room.

It's not like far away. But he doesn't, I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm not giving him any attention.

Is that what it is Vinnie? It's because I wasn't giving you any attention. You've always got my attention 24 hours a day. It's like my whole life is based around you and making sure that you're happy.

Well I say happy, but making sure he eats. It does sometimes feel like it's based around him. You know, like when he needs to go out, when he needs to go toilet, when he needs to eat, when he's, you know, that he's barking and hello.

Oh kisses. Oh, thank you. Yeah.

When he kisses me, I just have to like try and blank out what I've seen him doing, doing earlier in the day. Yeah. And what I see him eat off the ground when we're in the park.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Okay, so I have to change that website to make sure to let him know that I do not have my own another website for the Let Me Bore You To Sleep. I mean, I kind of see the jasonnewland.com as being that website.

I do wonder whether I should just change it. Not not. You just said you weren't making any changes.

Yeah, I know. I know. Fair enough.

So I'm not going to make any changes. I'm just gonna carry on for the next year. Well, year and two months and two and a half weeks or whatever it is.

And every time I make a recording, at least six versions, I'll upload them to YouTube up to Spreaker. I'll upload them to the two podcasts on spot. Not Spotify SoundCloud.

Wow. And I'll upload them to pod bean. Although pod beans, I'm not getting any traffic on there at the moment.

But it is quite new on there. And then they will automatically be sent to YouTube and be available on YouTube. So all six versions.

Right, it's just off. Good girl. So on YouTube, it's kind of a strange situation on YouTube.

I go periods when I get like practically nothing in the way of listens on YouTube. And then I get periods when I get a lot more than normal. And I can't really figure it out.

So for example, you know, I upload six, I don't upload them, but they get all uploaded automatically from Spreaker every time. So six versions of each recording. What have I got at 3000 recordings now on there.

And then it's kind of just steady. It's getting more on an hourly basis again, you know, this more, each time each day, it's kind of grown a little bit more subscribers, you know, so I've got I've had 350 3003, rather 533 views in the last 28 days. And my average used to be about 1000.

And before a couple of months ago, subscribers has gone up 19. I know these are tiny numbers, I realize this. But, you know, it just in a sense of it has grown.

So I've now got 1594 subscribers. And if you think 20, yeah, it's okay, it's just little, little, little squirts every now and then have like three or four and five. And so is it's a slow process.

And I'm not really doing anything other than just making the recordings. And then it's up to the audience, obviously, wherever they listen. Of course, it is obviously, it's always going to be up to the audience, isn't it? But then I've got this one recording here, for some reason, I'm guessing YouTube has promoted that one particular video of the podcast.

And it's five hours without music. Number 1456. Let Me Bore You To Sleep.

And that's had, or was that two days ago, released on the seventh two days ago, that's a 219 views. So I don't. Yeah, I don't get why.

I'm not complaining. I mean, it's still getting views even now. Every hour is getting in fact, that's pretty much the dominant podcast in the last 24 hours.

So I don't, I don't really know why. It's like one night. So what night? So the ninth of October, it was 115.

Okay, ninth of October, 83, it started off and then it ended. A3. Oh, it's not today we're talking about.

So the eighth of October, it was a 78. Now it's 241. So it's just grown in that little while.

And I suppose that's because YouTube is promoting it, not promoting it, but just like letting, letting people see that it exists. And I do get messages on face on YouTube, people that are saying, I'm glad you're back. And I haven't really been anywhere.

Not really. I know, like, I don't know, I've had this. I mean, I've been doing a podcast when I didn't do the YouTube.

So I still have been making recordings nonstop for nearly 20 years. But I wasn't prominent on YouTube for a long time since 2013. That was my more prominent place where I focused.

And I did have a fairly nice growth there at the time. But it's just interesting where people sort of saying, Oh, found you again. Where have you been? It's like, okay.

I'm glad people are finding me. But it's almost like I'm hidden. Why am I hidden? I don't want to be hidden.

So hopefully, maybe more people will discover me again think what you doing back? Why? Why are you here again? Because that'd be I don't mind. It'd be nice though, in a way. So here's my this is my plan.

Okay. I'm not going to bother doing any transcripts. No descriptions.

I'm just going to make the recording. Go back to how it was before. Just go back to how it has been.

Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. And Vinnie, can you make up a bit more noise, please? Please. I love hearing him slurping his water.

By the way, he's drinking water, by the way, just in case you think he's Vinnie, put your lipstick away. So I would Yeah, that's my plan. I'm feeling okay about it actually, because it needs to be simple.

I'm a very simple person, I think needs to be simple. And it frees my creativity. So I literally can make a recording.

And Vinnie's stealing stuff again from my top from a table. Like little cake and not chocolate. So it's fine.

But he still shouldn't be stealing. It's just a in. Good looking out.

Sorry about this. This is too noisy, isn't it? Dear Jason, I was okay listening to you. I wasn't particularly interested in all the stuff you were talking about.

I know it's not supposed to be interesting. But is it really supposed to be this boring? I mean, really, this boring. Shouldn't it be kind of mildly entertaining a little bit.

And as for that so called dog in the background, can you just put it in the bedroom or something? Why have you got to have it in the same room as you making noise? This podcast is for me. It's not about your dog and you. It's about me.

I don't want to hear your dog and tell them bloody birds in the trees to shut up as well. And ask Vinnie to stop farting. I can't do much about the birds in the trees.

I'll be honest with you. I stuck a sign out. Didn't work.

They're very stubborn birds. That's the problem. Very, very stubborn.

I love the sound of trees, trees, not the sound of birds. The thing is what I'm trying to produce here. Because for me, if I can actually finish the sentence, for me, one of the problems I had when I was younger was I needed it to be silent, to go to sleep.

I don't need that anymore. And I realised that can sometimes be getting in the way of relaxing. And there's a whole thing also of like, there's always going to be some kind of sound unless you live in.

I don't know what kind of place if you're lucky enough, because I'm not saying that I wouldn't like it to be fairly quiet, quieter, especially during the day. And when I'm trying to make recordings, I don't really want the neighbours shouting at each other and stuff. It's not ideal for me.

It's distracted for me, actually. But there's always going to be some kind of sound generally, whether it's the wind, the rain. It's not just what sound you hear.

On my side, you've also got your own side, you might have a fridge humming, turning on and off. And you might have neighbours closing doors, or neighbours, you know, doing the deed. I mean, it might, you might, that might be, I find it funny.

You know what, years ago, 2011, I genuinely thought, because there was a couple moved into one of the rooms opposite me, and I genuinely thought that she was in trouble. Because there's this banging against the wall. And she was like screaming.

And I thought, oh, oh, no, that's what she was doing. Oh, I thought, she's in trouble. I didn't know if I should call the police, knock on the door.

And as I get closer to a door. I heard other things. And I realised, after a while, about half an hour, I got up, got off of my chair, took me popcorn back into me, my bedroom, I realised that what they were doing was having a nice romantic encounter with each other.

From what she, you know, the other things that she was saying out loud. And it's weird, because I started laughing. Because I realised that people have do that still.

And I hadn't done that for ages. I forgot. I forgot that people did that stuff.

It might seem weird, that I'd forgotten. But I just genuinely hadn't even considered the two people living in a place together, would be, you know, would be doing any of that stuff. Hadn't even thought about it.

I forgot people did it, because I haven't done it. I hadn't done it for blimey, couldn't remember how long. So I forgot that adults do stuff like that.

I've got a neighbour. Okay, I won't say neighbour, I know someone who has a neighbour that lives upstairs. And that neighbour makes a lot of noise.

And this neighbour's probably in mid 70s. And she makes a lot of noise, both on her own and when she's perhaps with someone, I don't know. Now, I've heard it and it makes me laugh.

Because I'm very immature, obviously. But the person that lives downstairs, who I know, doesn't find it funny. Doesn't doesn't like it.

Really upset. As complained, as all kinds of stuff. Yeah, I find it just, for me, if I see someone in the mid 70s, and they're still got an active life, should we just say that an active life, an active, an active, sensual, whatever you want to call it, love life, love life.

I'm kind of yeah, high five. Not literally, because I don't really want to touch her hands. But it's, I mean, you know, it's, it's.

But it's, I've got, I mean, if you're 75, because I'm what I'm 55. So what 20 years along that age, if I still have the ability, or the interest to enjoy, to gain pleasure from my body, then I'm going to be a happy, I'd be lucky. I think.

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. I'm trying to say it nicely and respectfully. But I think that's cool.

I don't know, I think old people, I say old people, I'm old now, myself really, but people like in their 70s, 80s, that are able to enjoy their life. Good on them. I know, necessarily not great if they disturb someone else.

So that's, you know, that's an issue. But you know, stepping aside from that. Good on them.

But I don't. The thing is, I mean, I remember my uncle, it was my nan's brother came over. It was at Christmas, I think.

So I spent Christmas with my nan. And my uncle Anthony was there as well. So he, so we we both went to bed me and my nan separate rooms.

And what did I say? Why did I say that? That's ridiculous. Uncle Anthony stayed downstairs listening to the TV and it's really loud, like really loud. And I came downstairs, can you turn that TV off when you're going to go come to bed? And he said, I want to sleep in a different bed.

I said, you have got a different bed. He said, what? I said, what are you talking about? He said, I thought we had to share a bed. I said, no, there's three rooms here.

He said, oh, brilliant. He turned the TV off and he ran upstairs. It was a bit rude.

I was like, what's wrong with sharing a bed with me? We're family, you know, it's like, there's nothing weird. But anyway, he was downstairs and he was listening to the TV. He basically couldn't couldn't hear very well.

Which is fine. You know, there's no issue with that. But it was very difficult to get to sleep because it was so loud.

Like really loud. On a level like full blast. So yeah, that was.

But he couldn't hear it very well. So in a sense, for me, I was like, OK, that's annoying. But at the same time, he's practically deaf.

So I can't really be hating on him, you know, it's like it's not his fault. And also he's my family. He's my nan's brother.

You know, like, give the man a break. So for the rest of the Christmas, we stuck him in his shed. The bottom of the garden, which was OK.

I felt a bit bad for the first five minutes. It was all right, though, because there's a little heater in there and push the food through a little flap to lock the door, of course, otherwise he'd get out. Little hole in the other side of the shed so he could go to the toilet.

So it's all right. But, you know, as I'm saying, it's like it's about having respect for elders and having respect for family. So that's why I showed him respect and wasn't all like angry and because, you know, it's not his fault.

Plus, it was only for one night because the rest of the Christmas TV was turned off when we went to bed. Separate rooms. I don't know why I'm why I'm saying separate.

I don't I the good thing about living in that house, not living there, staying in that house where my nan lived is I got to sleep in my old bedroom. I don't know if you've ever done that. It's something just super cool.

And depending obviously on how you know if you had a good time in the bedroom when you was a kid. But on this occasion on this in this house, I loved living there when I was seven, between seven and eight. I love living there.

That was my happiest time as a child. And on quite a few occasions, I got to sleep that that's where I would sleep. Sometimes I sleep in the other room without a double bed, which was where my two brothers used to sleep.

And but quite often like Christmas periods, there'd be other family members there as well. So I'd be like in this in the smaller room. But I was fine with that because that was where I originally Well, that was the first room I ever had on my own or off my own as a child.

When I was seven. I was phenomenal. I love that room.

I'll never love another room like that. Seriously, and I felt never love another house like that. I love that house.

In fact, if I ever did come into money, I would buy that house. If possible, I mean, you can't force someone to sell I know, but I would. Yeah.

Ideally that house next to it as well. Because it's a semi, a semi. So if you put them both together, I'm not to build one big house, because I'm not that bothered.

But maybe I don't know, maybe if I got married or something, I could let my wife live in the next house. So we don't have to see each other too often. You know, if we want to we can.

I'll have a key to a front door and maybe after maybe after a while of us being together as a married couple and maybe I'll give her a key to my door. Yeah, it could work. Mind you the door to house next door had an extension.

So technically that was a better house. But I just love this one. I hope they haven't put any extensions or anything on it because I like it exactly the way it is like perfection.

I remember every detail of that house, the smell and it's going to be a different smell now. But it's just it's perfect, perfect house. A nice little quiet area and a little town and three bedrooms.

I don't know whether or not I would sleep in my old room or not, though. So if I moved in there, because let's face it, it's all going to be empty when I move in. The living room I would have as a living room because it's a living room.

There's not really much else you can do in there. But I wouldn't have it like this. I'd have it as a living room.

Because this is a living room. How many times do you reckon I could say living room before anyone notices? So this is a living room. You know, I've got a sofa, I've got a TV, a little table on the side to put me coffee cups and dishes and stuff and I've also got my desks and, you know, do me podcast and stuff.

Now, if I was to have that house again, I would be wanting to use one of those rooms for podcasts. Which I'm thinking maybe that's the problem though, because I don't need to have a spare room for someone else to stay over because I'd never invite anyone. So there wouldn't be any reason reason really.

But also, the little room is not big enough for a double bed and I have become used to live sleeping, living, sleeping on a double bed. Plus I got Vinnie as well. So he because if I if I did, but it does have to be now, I have to be like, soon.

I'm not thinking about you know, 20 years ago, wait, it's like no, it needs to be the next year or so. I don't know, maybe not. But would I what would I do? So let's say I have one room.

Ideally, I need one room for podcasting. The small room would be probably a good size room to make podcasts, because I could make it all soundproofed as possible. And it may be that could be a good room for that.

But at the same time, I like the idea of just living in that room, having a single bed, like I did before, against the walls, same exactly the same place, get a Bruce Lee picture and put it on the wall. They say you can never go back. Why not? They say lots of things that are wrong, don't they? Whoever they are.

You can't go back. You only get a chance for the first impression, only one chance. All those things just lies.

Like, yeah, if you never meet each other again, yes, you're going to keep that impression. I realised recently, I never ever forgive or forget. But I do stop caring.

It just dawned on me the other day. I've got a fairly good memory in some ways. It's not necessarily linear.

It's a bit all over the place. And I managed to get, I think I managed to get to my, get to the different places through a process, which doesn't necessarily make sense. Even to me.

You know, there's lots of thought patterns that lead to different places, which I guess is the same for everyone. What was the point of what I was saying? Oh, yeah. I didn't get my first bike until I was seven.

No, that's not it. I liked wearing a dress at school. No, what was I talking about? I love getting dressed up in women's clothes.

That's been a, you know, what they call back then. I did drama on a Friday night or Friday, last two sessions of a Friday, did drama, full makeup. Loved it.

I did. I'm not sure I made a very pretty lady, but I enjoyed it. Because I knew that it was kind of a bit taboo back then.

And I would go home with full makeup on. Because I didn't have time to get it off. So I'd go home with like mascara and lipstick and makeup.

And sometimes, you know, they would, what's her name? I don't, I can't remember her name, the drama teacher, she said, she would say, you need to really go back into, you know, get rid of everything before you leave the school. And go back, walk home, you come in as a pupil, and you leave as a pupil again, when you go home. And I said, yeah, but there isn't always enough time to go back to being looking like a pupil.

She said, well, at the very least, can you just leave the clothes here? Leave the dress, leave the wigs, leave the wheelbarrow. Why did you take the wheelbarrow? I said, well, I was playing a farmer's wife. A farmer's wife, why do you automatically assume that just because a farmer has a wife that she's going to be wheeling a wheelbarrow around? Do you mean, miss, do you mean pushing a wheelbarrow around?

What difference does it make? Well, wheeling a wheelbarrow around, it's just too many wheels in that sentence, isn't it? If you say pushing a wheelbarrow around, if you said pushing a pushchair around, that's a bit too many pushes.

But that is what people say, isn't it? Pushing a pushchair around? Yeah, that's a good point. But never mind that, what about the wheelbarrow? Yeah, we need it back. Okay, well, I'll bring it back next week.

That's what you've been saying for a year. Have you sold it? I said, no. She said, Jason.

I said, yes, miss. She said, have you sold it? I said, no. She said, have you sold it? I said, no.

She said, I'll ask her one more time. Have you sold it? I said, yes. She said, why did you lie all those times and then say yes at the end? I said, because when you said you'd only ask one more time, I wasn't quite sure where it was going.

And I could see the machine gun sticking out of your handbag. So I was a little bit concerned. She said, it's not a machine gun.

It's knitting needles. I said, oh, okay. I haven't got my glasses on.

She said, Jason, you don't wear glasses. You're not wearing glasses. I said, exactly.

She said, what does that mean? She said, I don't know. And then she said to me something really weird. She said, you know what? I said, what? She, you know, obviously I'm your drama teacher.

I said, yeah. And your English teacher. I said, okay, fair enough.

You do do two classes. She said, um, why do you come to drama lessons? I said, it's because I signed up. I've got no choice really, have I? So you don't want to be here? I said, of course I don't want to be here.

I don't want to be at school. I don't like it. What's the point? She said, but it's education.

Do you not realise how lucky you are to have an education from the ages of however old, I don't know, like 12 years of education? How many people around the world would just love the opportunity to spend 12 years of their life in education for free? I said, well, I'll swap with one of them then, if you like. I don't want to be here. I don't want to come here.

Oh, you see, I'm sitting at home thinking, oh, I've got drama today. Oh, great. I'm going to be able to run around and shout and pretend to be something I'm not.

I can do that on the playground. I can do that at home. I could do that in bed and do that in my own head.

It's like a little poem there, wasn't it? Don't need to come into a class to do that. She said, but don't you think maybe that there's a possible that you could be good at something? I said, if I am good at something, I've not found out yet. I want to have a go at Vinnie for sneezing.

She said, who's Vinnie? I said, no, hold a second. I'm now going to come back to reality. He was sneezing.

I can't tell him off for sneezing. That's silly, isn't it? She said, why are you going on about sneezing? I said, shush, wait a minute. She said, do not shush me.

I said, look, I'm now talking about Vinnie. Vinnie's my little puppy in the future. What do you mean in the future? How many times have I got to explain this? You're an imaginary person.

This is a podcast. You don't exist. And I mean, literally, you don't exist because I can't even remember what teacher I had during drama.

Couldn't even tell you what she looked like. Her name was anything. So you're not a real person, you're a real person, you know, not being rude, but you're not in reality a real person.

There was someone that did have that particular position in my life when I was like 14, 15, 13, 14, whatever years it was. But that's a long time ago. And I do not remember the names of those people.

She said, what do you remember? I said, I remember plenty of things. I just don't. I've never really been a name person.

Although I do remember certain people I went to school with. Dean. Dean.

I'm much better if I put do their full name because I know his full name. I won't say it though. So Dean.

Neil. Stefan. Carl.

Douglas. Wow. That's five.

Not bad. Is it five? Who else? Stephen. Although he was kind of on off friends at the end, he wasn't so friendly, but we were friends.

I actually went round his house once. And the thing is, even Dean, but I just had an interruption. Someone was knocking at the door.

And I thought it might be a neighbor. So I went and answered. But it wasn't.

It was a delivery. Amazon delivery. So I got some treats for Vinnie.

Some bony things and some other stuff. And one thing for me. Where is it? Double D 40.

Not Double D. WD 40. Whiskey Delta 40. It stops squeaks, dries out moisture, cleans and protects, loosens rusted parts, frees a sticky mechanism.

This could be used. The tin man in The Wizard of Oz could have been used for him. But I have squeaky doors.

I bought it originally because I got a squeaky desk. So I ordered it. But by the time I bought it today or yesterday, whatever.

But I'd fixed the desk by that time. So it's good. But I can still use it for the the hinges on my doors are just rusted.

Old doors are old man. Seriously, they were old and I moved in. It's just, I suppose I could have replaced them.

But I don't know. I don't think we're allowed to. Maybe we're allowed to.

I don't know. Anyway, so I've got that. I'll use that later.

Being Dean. So we were friends from junior school. All the way.

So from the age of nine, 10, 11. And then high school. 12, 10.

So 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15. Basically six years we were friends. However, however, and I'm not talking best friends, always together during school and after school, weekends, evenings, you know, just we were not all the time.

I mean, but there was a period when it was just me and him pretty much all the time. And something weird happened. I don't know what it was, but he was in the sea cadets together as well.

We both went on the same night and decided because we was bored that night. It was cold outside. We did the same.

We did cooking at school together. One of the classes and we did drama together. We kind of just stuck together throughout the whole of school.

But in the last year, or maybe, you know, the last like period of year, whatever, things went a bit downhill. And he picked a fight with me. I don't understand why he did it.

But it was just near where he lived on a bit of grass. And I think we were both doing our paper rounds. And he was trying to goad me into having a punch up.

And I was like, why? I'm not in the mood. And yeah, I didn't end very well. And he didn't, he kind of ruined our friendship a little bit.

I understood what the point of it was. Because, you know, I'm always my mind in my mind, like you'd be nice to your friends. It's just seemed like an obvious thing.

You don't get into arguments or physical interactions with people that you care about. And he was my best friend. I mean, he should just come and go as he pleased.

He'd come into my house. He just walk in the front walk in the back door. I just go upstairs to my bedroom.

Sometimes I get home and he was in my bedroom. Like we were that close. And never once went in his bedroom.

I don't think his dad didn't like me. Plus, it was a it was a business place. It was an old a residential, we used to call them old people's homes back then, but it's a residential home.

And he didn't. Yeah, I rarely went inside. Occasionally, I'd go inside and help with the washing up so that he could come out and play.

It was a bit like, you know, you can go out when you've done your homework, you can go out when you've washed those dishes. So it's a bit like that. That is one good thing, I suppose.

My, my, my parents at that time, they were friendly to my friends. They were welcoming, you know. I didn't have many friends.

Ivan's another one. And he lived around the corner. So as far as like people that would come into my house, Dean, Neil and Ivan.

Ivan was the closest physically to literally just at the end of the road. Neil, Neil was, we used to get up to stuff, me and him. Should I rephrase that? It's just, we used to get up to naughty things, be a bit boisterous.

Not anything bad, but you know, just, just little things, climbing trees, try and build in tree houses and robbing banks and just things like that the kids do. And he, he, so I had different relationships or different friendships with each person. With Ivan, he was much more laid back, very chilled out person.

Vinnie, can you make a little noise please? And his mum was lovely. Really. But then Neil's mum was lovely.

His mum and dad were really nice. Dean's dad just didn't, I didn't really get to know him, he didn't, he just didn't like me. I'm sure he was a lovely bloke as well, no doubt.

But I think I was annoying. I annoyed him. I was a little bit rude sometimes.

Now I was never rude to Ivan's mum, because I really liked her. And she always invited me in and let me wait in while if Ivan wasn't there. And I just chat to her and she'd make me a cup of tea and sometimes give me dinner and stuff.

So she was just really lovely. I was cheeky to Neil's mum and dad. But they seemed to find it funny.

Or not as annoying as everyone else. Even to the point where I visited them, or visited his mum. I mean, his dad wasn't, I guess he was at work or something.

But 10 years after leaving school, I went around there, wondering with Neil to see if he was there. And I figured he wouldn't be living there anyway. But I spent some time with his mum, had a cup of tea and talked about old times.

It's a long time ago now, isn't it? But just still the same person, still very funny, Scottish. It didn't, I don't think it took me too seriously. She realised I was just cheeky.

I wasn't a bad kid, you know. Can we make a bit more? Blimey. To the extent of when I moved into the flat above the chip shop, bear in mind, I was only 16 years old.

And a few months. Neil's parents helped me out. They gave me stuff for the flat.

I had my childhood furniture from when I was a kid. So that was stored in the garage and my dad got that. And he helped me out as well.

He gave me stuff. But the things like cutlery and plates and saucepans. Because at the time, my dad was starting out all from fresh as well.

So he didn't have anything really to give me. If I'd asked him, he would have got it. So I've got, there's no issue there.

But Neil's parents, I can't believe how nice they were to me, considering how cheeky I was when I was a little, you know, in their house and some of the things I got up to. It's strange. So yeah, they're definitely the best.

The only parents I really remember is Neil's parents and Ivan's mum. And Dean's dad, I guess. But I don't, I didn't really sort of, I mean, he was at work.

I'd be knocking on the door for Dean and he'd be at work. Because that was where he lived and where he worked. And I know he was a nice bloke because he adopted Dean.

Like I was adopted, he was adopted. That's why we had that thing in common. Because we both lived in children's homes.

And he was in, I was in Nazareth house, he was in Dr. Bernardo's. So there was that connection. We both knew what it was like to live in a children's home, in a dormitory with other kids orphans, or maybe just didn't, parents weren't around.

So we had that connection. But I think the problem was, as we got older, he was more sensible, but also he was bigger than me. So he, we were both quite little, but he, he grew bigger than me.

When we got older. And he started to, I think, want to put, I guess he probably became a man before I became a man. Simple as that, really.

Most, I was, I was very, very behind with development. I'm still waiting for my voice to break. And my balls to drop.

So I think it was a little bit of it being a teenager and he wanted to, I don't know, be dominant, maybe, I don't know. Who knows. But he was a good friend for a long time.

And even though I kind of wasn't particularly close with Ivan the last few years, I was for the first couple of years. He was still my friend, but I just didn't spend too much time with him. Dean, Neil is the person I spent more time with.

When I left school, Dean's the person, Neil, rather, not Dean, Neil's the person I spent time with after school. When I left school, Neil's the person that visited me. He visited me straight away.

He visited me when I started working at Chip Shop before I moved. So when I was living, on the, sleeping on the floor in my stepmother's mother living room, he would visit me there, knock and would go out. And then he would, he was the first person to visit me in the flat, which I guess is why his parents came and helped out.

And he visited me when I was staying with my dad. And we kept in contact all the way up to when I left for London, which was 91. So from 90, pretty much 95, 85, sorry, to 91, we were still friends.

We still hung out with each other. And we still quite a long time, isn't it? Really, I think that's six years. It was a different thing.

We'd be going out to the pubs and we'd be going, hanging out. And I remember when I moved into my flat, I had some tea cakes. It was Easter.

So I cooked some tea cakes and a cup of tea for us. And we watched Wurzel Gummidge on my black and white TV. Yeah, I remember that.

And then he contacted me in about 91, maybe 92, 91 time. I think it might have been, I think I was visiting and I went to the pub and I saw him in there and we were chatting and he wanted me to go abroad with him. He said he wanted to go to visit, travel around Europe, go to France and he wanted me to go with him.

And I said, no, I want to stay in London. I'm doing comedy. I don't want to do anything like that.

And he went anyway. He was going anyway, but he went and I think he, as far as I remember, I'm sure he got married and had kids and stuff. So he may still be living in France, but his parents are really good, really good to me.

And yeah, at the time, I'm sure I didn't appreciate it, but maybe I did. It definitely felt like a safe place to be at his house. Because his mom was, I don't know, just both of them.

His dad was very calm, very, very calm. So I think his mom was like from Glasgow, if I remember rightly, I might be wrong. And his dad was from Edinburgh.

So he was very, I'm not saying Glasgow's wild and Edinburgh's calm, but as far as just the spoke, he spoke slower. I don't know if it's an Edinburgh thing, I might just be making stuff up, which I probably am. But he was much calmer as a person, and he had a much easier accent to understand.

However, because I spent years around Neil, I could understand the Scottish accent. It took a while, but then I kind of just got used to it. So I very much attuned to the Scottish accent, just like I did with the Irish accent when I was friends with Andre, and when I went and lived in Ireland for a while.

Andre, my friend, rather than Andre, my little boy. Wow, that was, it's almost like having fireworks in there. Right, that's me done.

I'm gonna go and get something to eat. So thank you for listening. Remember to be kind to yourself.

Tomorrow's Q&A Friday. And yeah, remember to be kind to yourself because you do deserve to be happy. Be gentle with yourself.

You deserve to feel safe. Lots of love. Bye.

How much noise can one little puppy make? Blimey.