(no music) Tickling Monday’s Boring Objects LMBYTS #1512 Jason Newland 15th December 2025

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland, please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. This is, what is this, sleep me boy to sleep, and it is monday's boring objects, monday's, monday's, monday's boring objects, so that's cool isn't it, do do do do do do do do, so i hope you are well, Vinnie is having a little chomp chomp on one of his treats, so he's quite chilled out, i feel quite fairly chilled out, last night i had a phone call from Luke's dad, so that was nice, i had a catch up, the weather hasn't been that cold you know, there's times when it is,

there's definitely times when it is, but all things considered, why do people say that, all things considered, you can't consider all things can you, or everything in the entire universe, i've considered everything, and this is my conclusion, no, it would take, if you had to consider everything in the entire universe including all the atoms, that would take hours, but it does seem fairly mild for this time of the year, bearing in mind it's the middle of December, 2025, i'm not complaining, cheers Vinnie, Vinnie and his flappy ears,

i wonder why dogs do that, do you think it might be an itch in the earlobe, hey anyone, but i've had itches in my ears and even maybe my hands have been busy, i still haven't flapped my ears, my head from side to side, maybe he likes the sound of it, maybe it feels good, maybe it's like having a big stretch, you know how cats really stretch like proper don't they, or maybe like a bear scratching his back on a tree, perhaps that's what it's like for him,

or a dolphin catching a ball, a beach ball, for a fish, not for a fish, for a fish, they don't catch it for a fish, they're not in there to impress a fish, yeah, swim up to a cod, i say hey, a female cod, hey how you doing, a cod s i suppose, and yeah what do you want, flipper, that's the name of the dolphin, and oh i just thought i'd come say hello, flipper, what do you want, oh okay, i was just wondering if you uh happened to be looking in that direction earlier,

about you know five minutes ago, i might have done, why, well i just wonder if you per chance noticed somebody balancing a beach ball on their nose, what are you talking about, maybe you happen to wander upon some amazing almost magical feat of endurance and balance, in fact, maybe your mind was blown with amazement at seeing something for the very first time, almost like seeing a sniffing a newborn baby's head, and being amazed at how protected you feel towards that baby, and how the newborn baby's head is,

smells even better than freshly baked bread, what do you want, flipper, what is your point, all right, did you see me balancing the beach ball on my nose, no i didn't, are you sure, oh yeah, yeah i'm sure i didn't, oh okay, she's thinking, what does he keep hassling me for, we're a different species, and he's, he's swimming off thinking, she noticed, she noticed, she saw it, she was just in awe of my greatness, she's been waiting for minutes for me to come over there and talk to her,

but she's never seen anyone balance a beach ball on their nose before, apart from the killer whales, but we don't mess with them, they can do what they want, they can balance whatever they want on their, on their noses, personally, please don't tell them, but i think that it's more impressive, me balancing a beach ball on my nose, because i'm a lot smaller aren't i, than a killer whale, and it's the same size beach ball really, i mean you might argue, no it's not, and make the beach balls a lot bigger for the killer whales,

yeah, but you know, in comparison, you know, in with the different size difference, and it's definitely, there's not a lot in it, and you might argue, yeah, well there is, facts are facts, your beach ball is smaller than the one that the, that the whale balances, and i say, well does it matter, really, does it really matter, for the sake of the story, and now you might be thinking, well i'm not sure who's talking now, is it the dolphin, or was it you, or was a cod popped up,

or maybe a parrot in a tree, is comparing the two different beach balls, but you forgot to mention that there's a parrot in the tree, very hard to follow your stories, okay, there's nothing to be like that, and when are you going to start talking about some boring object, and how come you've kept these boring objects going for so long, i know it's supposed to be, but it is getting a bit boring, yeah, well can't you do something different, like what, i don't know, road names, road names, yeah, road names,

what do you mean, road names, well, that way to identify roads, so if you need to, you know, people have addresses, and if you're going to visit someone, i say, oh i live at number 44, Downton Abbey Avenue, or whatever, like, no, i know what road names are, but why, why, why are you saying that i should make a recording about road names, i didn't say that you should do that, it was just an idea to do something different, maybe a series of road names, and you could find some unusual road names,

and each, each week do a different town, or do a different country, but wouldn't that be more in the trivia Tuesday section, no, definitely not, well, maybe, no, maybe, yeah, yeah, possibly, see what i mean, no, i don't, anyway, why are you talking about, just dolphins, and whales bouncing around, and balancing beach balls on their noses, and a dolphin chan up a cod, which is a weird idea, mind you, a cod's probably nearly as big as a dolphin, and then, depends how big the dolphin is, and how big the cod is,

i suppose, and you start talking about a parrot in a tree, and then move on, and don't even, don't engulf on that one, just mention it, and then move on, never mention it again, apart from now, and still, are you going to develop the storyline for the parrot, or is it just going to be some random thing, like, oh, it was a windy evening, and there's a snail trying to cross the road, and then a werewolf turns up, and starts chasing the postman, but slips on a piece of cake,

and the postman looks back and laughs, but in the process, bangs into a lamppost, and he goes, oh, ow, ow, ow, and the werewolf goes, ow, ow, ow, and the postman says, don't mock me, mate, and the werewolf says, what do you mean mock you, i've just slipped over on a piece of cake, show a bit of compassion, will you, what do you mean compassion, you were chasing me, you were trying to eat me, where did you get that idea, well, you're a werewolf, and i'm a postman, i mean, technically,

you know, dogs descended from wolves, and a werewolf's kind of the worst kind of wolf, isn't it really, because it's weird, i don't know, but you know, yeah, are you chasing me, what do you want to, are you planning on tickling me, i might be, well, go on then, tickle me, well, i don't know, what do you mean, well, you're a werewolf, i'm a postman, you just said that you were going to tickle me, no, no, no, i said i might be, okay, well, prove that you're not gonna,

you weren't gonna try and eat me, so you want me to tickle you, yeah, tickle me, you know what, i'll be honest with you, i probably would have been up for that, but you've turned into such a big thing, that i don't, i'm not quite sure how to go about it, it just feels like you put too much pressure on me, do you know what i mean, and the postman says, yeah, i kind of do actually, i'm starting to feel a little bit bad, and the werewolf said, no, no, no,

don't, don't feel bad, i was actually trying to eat you, he said, i knew it, i knew it, and they laughed, and the werewolf said, oh, what do you, would you fancy the idea of you tickling me, and the postman said, i like you as a friend, but that's as far as it can really go, i've been through a, you know, a difficult breakup, and i think i'm going to steer away from werewolves for a while, just concentrate on me, and my sack, the werewolf said, oh, i understand that, that's fine,

you know, smiled and walked away, but it's kind of a little bit of a different feeling, because the postman left, feeling kind of proud of himself, almost like he's gained some self-esteem, long lost self-esteem, so you know, the postman was feeling pretty good, self-esteem was rising, like i told him, i told you, you know, like, yeah, why does everyone have to, every werewolf i meet, always seem to expect me to want to tickle them, you know, i'm sorry, but i don't offer that service, i'm not a tickle machine,

there's more to me than just being able to tickle werewolves, and he could feel that pride entering into his chest, and he heard that little voice, he realized later it was actually the parrot in the tree saying, go on, say it with chest, say it to yourself with chest, and the postman said, say what, what, say it, say it with chest, say what with chest, that you're not a tickle machine, go on, all right, i'm not a tickle machine, no, say it with chest, but what does that even mean,

don't worry, nobody knows, just, just say it with chest, with nobody knows, how can i do something that nobody knows what it means, it just, it's a saying, if you say it enough, people just, no one questions it, say it with chest, but i, i, i don't know what, i can say it with, i mean, okay, okay, okay, if i'd be literal, here's me saying it with chest, i didn't hear anything, exactly, because my mouth's up here, my chest is down there, my chest can't talk, it seems to produce some gas sometimes,

but it can't talk, so how can i say anything with my chest, oh, so what does it mean, say it with chest, the parrot looked confused, now the postman couldn't see that, i'm doing the narrative, so the parrot looked confused, to be fair, the weird thing about parrots, is you can't really tell their, how they're feeling, from their facial expressions, they're very stoic, very good at playing poker, honestly, you don't know where you are with them, have they got a good hand, have they got a bad hand, are they bluffing,

don't know, it's the same expression, it's like playing, it is like playing, um, poker with a corpse, like they're not giving any signals away whatsoever, there's no tells, apart from a increase in smell, so, and the postman said like, so you want me to say it with chest, and the parrot said, yeah, say it with chest, but you don't know what say it with chest means, he said, well it's something to do with, um, i think it means confidence, say it with confidence, like say it but mean it, okay,

so why didn't you just say, say it with confidence, instead of say it with chest, which sounds like, to be fair, like a different language, like some kind of alien language, say it with chest, i mean chest is a part of my body, or it's a sideboard, you know, like it's made of wood or something, it doesn't make any sense, there's no logic in it, and a parrot looked down at the postman, because at this point the parrot's actually flying above him, and he said, because the thing is about postman,

they don't stop walking, parrots don't stop talking, postman don't stop walking, continuously walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, i remember the um, what was it, i remember one, i dated, i had a friend who was a postman, never married, never dated one, i had a friend who was a postman, and he'd just be walking, he was walking, oh, it was his wedding, and i was a groomsman, not a best man, but a groomsman, so there was like, i think there was two or three of us, and we were,

no two of us were groomsmen for him, and so i'm kind of at the door, i think i'm at the, one of the groomsmen's walking behind him, and one was already at the, not the grave, the um, the shrine, you know, where they get married, and so i'm watching him, and i hear someone shout, someone shouts out, oi oi, kaiba kaiba, don't quite know what that was about, and it gave me flashbacks from the 90s, and when i look back, my friend was gone, like, uh-huh, and then i heard another sort of um,

then i had heard the same person in the crowd shout out, uh, up here for thinking, down there for dancing, i was like, what are you doing, i look back, and my friend was back again, daddy been delivering some letters, he couldn't stop it, he had to walk, always walking, he had a treadmill right next to his toilet, oh dear, he had one of those reversible ones, so when he was sitting down, um, is this getting a little bit sillier than normal, possibly, possibly, dear, oh dear, oh dear, so,

oh yeah, so the postman was feeling very proud, and very saying it with chest, how good it felt to not give in to the werewolf, and, and to face a new chapter in his life, knowing that he's not gonna, he's gonna, he felt full of self-esteem, and the werewolf was walking away feeling completely crappy, because he felt like he'd been rejected, even though he was just being nice, you know, he wasn't offering to tickle the postman, romantically, it was just, he thought it'd be a nice thing to do, maybe cheer him up,

give him another happy memory, because he read, he just read a book called, uh, basically, i can't remember what it was called, but the theme of it was, just create new happy memories, if you can create a new happy memory every day, then you've done a good job, and today was the day where he was offering to do that for the, the postman, by offering to tickle him, so the werewolf thought, you know what, i'm not having this, i feel like i've been rejected, and i, i wasn't even being romantic,

i wasn't even offering that, i was just like, jokingly, you know, offering a tickle, you can have the tickle, or not, it's up to you, but, you know, the way the postman sat me down, and said, well actually, i've decided to, uh, give tickling, uh, a wide berth at the moment, and i'm going to focus on myself, and my parrot, and i'm just like, it was embarrassing, i mean, she did, it's just, yeah, to do it in a park, in front of people, i mean, one thing is to do it in public,

but to set up all seating, and sell tickets, you know, as an event, and the, and the werewolf, like, couldn't understand, how did you know i was going to offer to tickle you, the postman said, well, i just knew, so he didn't feel so very great, especially as he took the advice from the book, of try and gain a happy memory, one new happy memory every day, and it can be something as simple as, picking up a leaf from the floor, i mean, that would have to be pretty simple, wouldn't it,

if that gives you, the, i can only see the only way, that that would be a happy memory, is if, you know, maybe you'd had back problems, and it's the first time for a long time, you've been able to bend over, and pick a leaf up from the floor, so obviously that would be nice, you know, or you just got yourself out of plaster, or maybe, um, you've spent the last 10 years in prison, you know, kind of, you know, picking a leaf off the floor, possibly wouldn't be that exciting to a lot of people,

and he was like, and it was, he got a little bit annoyed, a little bit perplexed, a little bit, and he thought, you know what, i, i'm gonna go and visit that author of that book, give them a piece of my mind, and there's a snail on the ground, looked up and said, are you really gonna do that, and the werewolf said, yeah, so how do you know what i'm gonna do, he said, because you were talking out loud, so damn it, i've got to stop doing that, and he said,

i heard that as well, really, okay, well, what am i thinking now, two plus two equals nine, you just did a wrong math, mathematical, um, addition, but i, i, i thought that in my head, i didn't say it out loud, you did, you, you really did, honestly, i can play it back to you, and i, i record everything, you what, yeah, i record everything, but you're a snail, yeah, i'm also a journalist, don't typecast me, no, i'm sorry, no, i'm not, i'm not typecasting you, i'm not, i'm not giving us aspersions,

or whatever you call it, said the werewolf, but you're a snail, yeah, we established that, but you, you, you, oh, i can't move on, you're a snail, what, what, what, what do you mean journalist, well, do you know what a journalist is, yeah, now the werewolf wasn't a hundred percent sure what a journalist is, he knew it had something to do with writing stuff, but he felt comfortable with that amount of knowledge, in order to move on with the conversation, in some kind of cohesive manner, so where's your pencil, then,

my pencil, yeah, you said you record things, so where's your pencil, i don't record things with a pencil, do i, no, of course not, you don't, no, no, of course not, and the snail said, did you notice you just said the wrong word there, of course not, you don't, that doesn't make sense, and the werewolf blushed, because he felt a little bit embarrassed, and he thought to himself, i've got a, i've got a safe face here, because he's really pulled me up on the way i was talking,

i think he might know that i don't, not really too knowledgeable about journalism, he thought to himself, it's okay, mr werewolf, just say it, say it to myself, i, i know about stuff, i know some stuff, i have some knowledge, yes, say it with buttocks, no, no, no, that's not, that's not the white one, say it with ankles, no, no, no, say it with ball, no, no, no, earlobes, not earlobes, what is it, say it with, oh, say it with gallbladder, no, chest, chest, says the snail, how do you know what i was,

what do you mean chest, i've already explained to you, i can hear what you're saying, you're saying it out loud, yeah, but how did you know it's chest i was looking for, well i think that was the only body part left, besides i've heard it and you know, say it with chest, i saw on big brother last year, you like big brother, said the werewolf, i of course i like big brother, said the snail, who doesn't like big brother, and the werewolf said, well you'd be surprised, it's not as popular as it used to be,

and the snail said, well you know what, when i dedicate myself to something, i'm, and it's really, at this point, both the werewolf and the snail both said, i'm loyal to the program, at the same time, it made them laugh, and they rolled over, they rolled over and like laughing, they would laugh so loud and you could almost say that they were howling, at least one of them was, and that was a pun, and eventually they stopped laughing, the werewolf said like, oh that's amazing, i'm so i'm so pleased to meet someone,

that loves big brother as much as i do, and it's just, it's good to have someone i can talk to about that, because nobody wants to talk about big brother anymore, you know i'll watch it in the evening, and especially when it comes up to the evictions, and i can't share it with anyone, and i'd like to, what do you think? and the snail said, do you do you really want to know what i think?

and the werewolf said, yeah what do you think? well here's what i think, i think i could do with some help to get back onto my belly, because i'm on my back, i'm stuck, and the werewolf said, how'd you get like that? he said, i was laughing, remember we fell onto our backs laughing, well it's all right for you, because you can just turn over, i can't, i'm like that for ages, just hope it doesn't rain, mind you the rain does tickle my tummy, and the werewolf said, really?

he said no, and the werewolf like was very confused, and he just said, look this whole conversation's got a bit weird to be honest, and i'm starting to feel a little bit bad, and the snail said, why? he said, well the postman must have had some, you know, a few problems in the past, and by letting me down gently, but publicly, maybe gave him the self-esteem that he required to help himself move forward, but at the detriment to me, perhaps not feeling, you know, me a bit, and the snail said, you really started to mature haven't you, as you got older?

and the werewolf said, it was only been five minutes, he said, never mind, still we seem to just be becoming more, i don't know, more with it, more in tune, oh thank you, and the werewolf continued, he's saying, besides i think the postman's got it a lot worse than us, if you think about it, haven't you carried that heavy sack of mail around all the time, every day, and the snail just said, really?

it was quite angry the way he said it, the werewolf turned back, because he'd been imagining the postman was in front of him, so he turned back and looked at this, at the snail, for some reason, the werewolf found it much easier to talk about another person, if he imagined that they were in front of him, but he didn't like to be rude and imagine someone's in front of him, if there was always somebody, already somebody there, so he'd look into an empty space, if he was in a really busy crowded place,

like London or in a city or something, he'd look up, it would involve banging into people, but to be fair, when he was in a busy place, people generally got out of the way of him, because of the werewolf, and the, what's his name, the snail started huffing and puffing, and the werewolf said, what are you doing, he said, what do you think, that the postman, oh, carrying a sack of mail around, that's impressive, is it, I said, wow, the werewolf said, wow, I thought I was a werewolf then for a minute,

he said, wow, that's a bit harsh, why are you being so, you know, cool down baby, why are you being so, so, you know, uptight about it, chill out, have a smooch, and the snail said, I'm sorry, it just, it winds me up, postman wind me up, they always have done, I said, why, he said, they moan about being on their feet all day, which is fair, I understand, it's, it can be tiring, but then they moaned about carrying that heavy bag, oh, carry that heavy bag, oh, it is,

it was catalogue day last week, oh, it's Christmas, it's so much, so much more mail at Christmas, then a werewolf said, well, what's the problem with that, and the snail looked up at the werewolf and he said, what do you think the problem is, he said, I've got no idea why you would have a problem with a postman, I mean, different species, why, he said, the postman's moaning about carrying a bag around, when you see that postman, ask him to think about this, yeah, when he, when he starts moaning about carrying that heavy,

heavy postal bag, ask him how he'd like to carry his house around on his back all day long, and the werewolf didn't really understand any of this, and he said, okay, but like, why, why do you want me to ask, or ask the postman that, I mean, besides, I'm going to try to probably avoid the postman now after that, you know, episode in front of all those people, you know, like, letting me down on my offer to tickle, even though I was just trying to be kind, didn't want to tickle him anyway,

yeah, but you did though, didn't you, said the squirrel, like, out of the blue, where did you come from, I've been here all the time, really, yeah, I've been here, I've just been listening, but you didn't make a sound, no, squirrels were pretty quiet animals, you know, don't really, you don't hear us playing the drums, do you, well, true, yes, that's true, besides, what would you do if you saw a big werewolf and a snail talking to each other, you're just walking through the forest and that's what you see,

what would you do, probably keep quiet, wouldn't you, you'd keep very still and you wouldn't move and you wouldn't make a sound, so why have you, why have you decided to let yourself be known now, well, I'll be honest with you, I've never ever heard a werewolf and a snail having a conversation, and after hearing it, all I can say is, this is going to sound a bit weird, but I had, I had self-esteem issues and I read this book, but it did seem to be working, and I really,

you know, self-help book and I just thought, oh, this isn't, it isn't doing it for me, maybe I need to find something specifically for squirrels, but it's hard to find a self-help book for squirrels these days, used to be loads of them, I mean, you can get books for puffins, ladybirds, but, you know, squirrels, nothing, and the snail found that quite amusing because he knew what he meant, but the werewolf didn't really get the joke, it wasn't really a joke, it was more I guess another kind of like pun in a way,

you know, basing it on like children's books and ladybird books and puffin books, the penguin book, you know, from the past, or penguins still around, I don't know if ladybird books are still around, and the squirrel said, yeah, I was reading a self-help book and I happened upon this situation and I thought, oh, maybe, just maybe, this could be today's happy memory, and they both looked at the squirrel, don't tell me you've read that book, and the squirrel said, yeah, and the werewolf was like,

and then they all realised at exactly the same time that they'd run out of things to talk about, so they said goodbye, have a nice day, take care of yourselves, and then they just moved on, and the squirrel was just looking around like, what happened there, did I say something wrong, and he pulled a little harp out and started playing it, very beautiful it was, okay, it was limited, squirrels aren't great with harps, give them a flute, they're good with that, a harp, not so great, but he gave it a go,

you know, I mean, there's different levels of beautiful, isn't there, you know, I mean, it's, it was all right, it was really bad, it was really bad, should have given him a flute, I mean, technically, I'm the one that gave the squirrel the harp, aren't I, I mean, harps, a harp isn't something really, well, generally, I imagine that you can just start, when I say pick up harps, you can't, too big to pick up, aren't they, but I kind of imagine a lot of people could get a,

make a tune straight away, I might be wrong, I've been wrong once before, but I'm not sure, I don't remember when, but I'm not sure whether or not, I think, yeah, I do think that a flute would have been more advantageous for the squirrel, but maybe I've talked enough about squirrels, and then the parrot, who was still there, no one realised, he was sitting in a tree, he said, you're all right, Bob, and the squirrel looked up, he said, oh, all right, Tony, how you doing, he said, yeah, good,

he said, what are you up to, and Tony said, well, Tony the parrot said, well, I'm thinking of bringing this story to an end, and Bob the squirrel said, yeah, don't, don't blame you, and Bob said to Tony, can you be honest with me, and Tony said, yeah, what, he, Bob the squirrel said, do you think this has gone on a little bit too long, and Tony the parrot said, well, if I'm honest with you, yeah, probably, how much, how, how far, how far do you think,

how much too long do you think it's gone on for, asked Bob, and Tony said, probably about 45 minutes too long, and they both agreed that that was quite a long time, to be too long, and Bob the squirrel said, can I ask you another question, and Tony the parrot said, okay, fire away, I'm all ears, he said, you're not though, are you, he said, what do you mean, well, do you even have ears, of course, I have ears, where are they, same place your ears are, no,

but you can see my ears, because they're all big, flappy, sticking up, where's yours, no, they're not, it's a different thing, this, I just don't have earlobes, why not, I don't know why not, why, why would you, why, I thought we'd just established that this has gone on too long, and now you want to start talking about earlobes, and Bob said, okay, fair enough, you know, that is a good point, shall we have a little tickle, a little tickling session, and Tony said, no thanks, and they both left,

Bob the squirrel, he was all right, he wasn't that bothered about a tickle anyway, because Tony the parrot could be a little bit scratchy, to be fair, wasn't always that pleasurable, but Tony the parrot left, full of pride, because he'd said it with chest, and he felt that he'd, he'd created another happy memory, where he'd taken control of his life, and his self-esteem was super high, and that was the end of the story, so thank you for listening, remember to be kind to yourself, because you deserve to be happy, and be gentle with yourself, you

deserve to feel safe, and also remember that you are enough, you really are enough already, and everything's going to work out fine, you're going to be okay, lots of love, bye.