(music) #1213 - Sunday Papers - Let Me Bore You To Sleep (13th October 2024)

Hello and welcome to Sunday Papers, Sunday Papers, Sunday Papers, Sunday Papers. My name's Jason. That was rubbish, wasn't it? My name is Jason, Jason Newland.

This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. There's a fair bit of screaming in the garden, so hopefully you won't be disturbed by that.

I was going to say, more importantly, I won't be disturbed by it, but I guess it's more important that you're not disturbed by it. But personally, I'd rather not be disturbed by it because it distracts me a little bit. I've been so quiet all week.

It's kind of, you know, it's kids playing. I can't begrudge that at all. It's just, it makes it a little bit harder.

That's all. I mean, I could put earplugs in, but that's not going to help you, is it? So yeah, my website's jasonnewland.com. All my recordings are on there. Every time I do a new recording, I upload six versions now and to the podcasts, one without music, five hours and 10 hours without music, one with music and then five and 10 hours with music.

So you can stream those. You can go to my website. You can also download all of those podcasts at the same time.

And I've also got all my back catalog on there as well. And I have a Facebook page if you'd like to become part of our little group. It's Jason Newland's Balling Group.

So yeah, hope you're well. I watched the boxing last night. It was, it was a bit tainted.

This is a bit weird, weird thing to kind of open up with, but I was kind of looking forward to watching a boxing. And, you know, I took, I took this little one out to Vinnie, you know, to the park, like normal. Didn't do a wee wee or a poo poo or whatever before.

I think, I don't know if the boxing had already started or not. I can't remember, but there's this, they probably would have done because yeah, probably before the boxing started because it's starting to get darker earlier now. I stopped sighting.

Anyway, there was these two, well I guess they were females. Couldn't really see but they were over the side of the park shouting, shouting out perv to me. I was like what? I don't know if they were drunk or, but it wasn't, it wasn't a very comfortable experience if I'm honest with you.

And it's just, it felt a little bit dangerous because like what, why, why, why? I was, I just checked, I was wearing trousers so there wasn't any reason for it that I could understand. So I shot them. So, okay, right, so Sunday papers.

Yeah, I didn't enjoy that, you know, just never had that happen before. Never had sort of young people shouting stuff out of me because that's bullying, isn't it? Basically, and I'm just like, really? You, you know, if it was an adult I could kind of deal with it a lot easier. But because it's a child, it's like, I can't, what can I do? Never mind, hopefully it won't happen again.

I hope. But all I was doing was just taking, I want to say the word, walking in case he thinks it's time to go for a walk. But he didn't even move.

Oh, indeed, his ears went up then. Very delayed reaction there. So yeah, that was weird.

But anyway, let's move on. Oh, the boxing last night. How can so many, such few people make so much noise? So I'm reading the newspapers, but I'm using my phone, which means everything's very tiny.

I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do it. I mean, hopefully, because I normally have the iPad. But because Vinnie's curled up to me, I kind of don't want to, I don't want to let him go.

So yeah, I want him to cover me because as soon as I move, he'll get up. So what's the, I'm going to read the people to start with. This is a Sunday People, page three, tailor made double date.

Okay, this is it. This is important news. Let's have a look.

What is this? Turn out down single page view. Single page view. Oh, that's it.

Okay. Not one, let me open it up. So I have to have it.

So when you're one of the most famous women in the world, you can't just pop out for a quiet meal with your mates. But Taylor Swift, 34, and her American football player, boyfriend, Travis Keese, Kels, Kelk, 35, embraced the chaos as they headed out for dinner with her longtime pal, actress, Blake Lively, 37. They love saying the ages.

And her Deadpool star husband, Ryan Reynolds, 47. Blimey, he's 47. Didn't know that.

And the A-listers were mobbed by fans clutching camera phones as they met in North New York. Although how much food Taylor would have been able to eat while wearing a corset is anyone's guess. So I don't know is it is it corset? Is it restrictive? Of course it and I'm looking at it.

I don't I don't want to look at what she's wearing. But because it's mentioned that I'm going to, I'm going to be very, very inspective. And it doesn't.

It doesn't look like a tight corset. The front of it looks like a corset, but it doesn't. Because corsets like they tie up at the back, don't they? And I imagine very restrictive.

I imagine I know they are. Well, that was nice. The next story is Boris Johnson.

The headlines gutted Boris beaten by cookbook. Boris Johnson's hopes of having a bestseller have been dashed by a guide to cooking for good gut health. So for those that don't know who Boris Johnson is, he used to be a prime minister in this here country of mine for a while.

And apparently, I think his book is it says here, a huge is number 10 memoir quickly slid from the first to seventh on Amazon's bestseller list, losing out to the gut healthy recipe guide and even a children's picture book about a penguin. A source said clearly people are more interested in their grub and cartoon penguins than they are in receipt reliving Johnson's political blunderings. To be fair, they normally get a big advance.

For my memory of former prime ministers, when they retire, or you know, they they lose their job as PM. They usually get a huge book deal to tell this story and, you know, give you all the goss and stuff. And he was given I assess a 510,000 pounds advance for his book.

But you still have to be which is just Wow, Liz trusses book, 10 years to save the West, which was her memoirs would be a prime minister for six weeks or whatever it was. It had 2238 sales in the UK in its first week. So I mean, that's not a lot when you think you know how famous these people are.

I mean, if I wrote a book, I'm pretty sure I could I could probably sell five at least five copies in the first year. I reckon. Yeah.

My time as a prime minister. Oh, no, no, no, no. Okay, right.

This is weird using the phone to do this. Ironically, they're not promoting the book in the paper. But they are promoting Yorkshire vet life of a Yorkshire vet as seen on TV.

And it's got a bloke cuddling a lamb. Okay. So this is quite interesting news.

I don't normally talk about diseases and stuff like that. But you know, it's, it's quite important. For any men listening.

This is and I don't know. I don't I just I don't know the truth of anything that I read in the newspapers. I'm not gonna fact check anything.

Just I'll put that out there. But this is what I'm reading in the paper. I don't know if you know that recently, I got my prostate tested.

And not any old fashioned way. Nothing, no, nothing fun, just for my blood test. And because it's in my family, like, really prevalent in my family, on my dad's side.

So I kind of, my dad said, you have to get tested. And I'm like, Oh, okay. I put it off for a few months.

Because, well, partly, I wanted to find a doctor, you know, that was going to test me someone that I just enjoyed spending time with first, you know, see if we could build a relationship. But then when I found out I could do it by blood test, which ironically, about four, eight years ago, when both my uncles had it, the prostate stuff, both of them had it, I went to my doctor, and I said, I think I need to get tested.

Because this is a little bit, you know, this, you know, this is just like maybe something I need to sort of get tested on.

And she said, Well, I'm not doing it. And that was it. So she didn't seem very, I mean, I wasn't, I wasn't asking her, can you please, you know, think, I wasn't asking her to, you know, do anything.

I just like, it's not quite an important thing to bring up. And then probably a couple of years later, or a year later, Stephen Fry was promoting or he was like an advocate for prostate. Should we use the word health? Okay.

I don't like that word. The other word, the C word. And I'm not talking that.

See you next Tuesday. I'm talking that doesn't bother me. The other one.

The other word bothers me. I don't like it just because I am weak. I'm a weak, weak, weak person.

So maybe not. Maybe I'm just human. Maybe I'm sensitive.

I might be a sensitive soul. You don't know. It's possible.

Anyway, Stephen Fry, who's a very famous person in this country. He may also be famous in your country. I don't, I really don't know.

And I think he's really good actor. He, whenever I see him, because usually he kind of does more cameo stuff. So it will be in a TV show, because he was in the Sandman.

And it was only I think in one episode, but it was so good in it. I mean, you could say he's just playing himself. But it, you know, because it, you know, he's not putting on a different accent.

And he looks the same, you know, he's quite eccentric looking, I would say. But at the same time, he's, yeah, I like him. Anyway, he was advocating for men to get tested.

And he was on a radio show. So I was listening, I think LBC. So I got to really hear him there.

And so he was interviewing, he was talking about his own experiences. And he was saying the thing that puts men off most about getting tested is the actual test itself. That's the thing that put a lot of men off because it's just, it's intrusive.

It's an intrusive thing. And without poppers, now it's an intrusive thing. And so a lot of people, a lot of men, men, I'm going to say men, because women generally don't need to have these exams.

But for anyone that also any women that need to have prostate exam as well. So it's, but now he said, ah, the good thing is now they can test it with a blood test. Don't have to have the digital test, as it were.

Is that a good example? Is that a good explanation? I actually, I remember my dad talking about it with someone. And they were talking about the, we're talking about getting tested. And because of my uncle's and my, this person said to my dad, Oh, where's the prostate anyway? Is it down the throat? Is it? And I was like, wow.

And I'm thinking, you know what? It was a female that said that. And I'm thinking, well, there's no reason really for a female to need to know about the prostate, because that's a part of the body they don't have. It's almost like, what do I know about? Um, the, you know, um, are you wondering how I'm going to word this? So I don't get in trouble about the, not the flappy parts, um, um, about the, the feet, the parts of the female anatomy that I perhaps don't have.

I was going to say boobies, but I do have boobies these days. I do. Um, C cup.

So I don't know. So there's no reason necessarily for me to, for me, you know, for a woman to know about that stuff, unless they're a medical specialist, you're a doctor or something, then it's useful, I guess, I suppose, you know, I mean, eventually you'd find out if you were a doctor and you stick your fingers down their throat, like, no, it's, it's the other one. And personally, I think I'd rather have this.

I'd rather have the, uh, anyway, nevermind. So I, when I, when I heard this interview on the radio, I'm not saying, I'm not to say I got excited because the whole subject does not excite me because, I mean, at the time both of my uncles were still alive, one actually passed away. So it, you know, it's just, this is a serious, serious in our family.

The other one, the other uncle got caught early. So I think, I hope that he's okay. But then another person in my family also has it now.

So I, which is why I kind of really had to get tested, but I went to a doctor. So this is a couple of years back, a few years ago. And I said, I'd like to get a prostate exam, please.

What do you want a prostate exam? You're only 46 or 47 or whatever. You don't need one. I said, no, I've, I want to get it done because it's in my family.

I don't know my mum's side of the family at all. I don't know any medical history on my mum's side, but I know on my dad's side at the time, two close relatives, uncles had it. And she said, well, if you, if you're going to, you need to have, you know, the digital test.

And I said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stephen, Stephen told me that you can get it done by blood test. She said, who's Stephen? I said, Stephen Fry.

She said, do you know Stephen Fry? I said, no. Why are you pretending you know, why are you saying you know Stephen Fry if you don't then? I said, I don't, I never said I knew Stephen Fry. She said, you literally just told me like 52 seconds ago that you were told by, you know, Stephen Fry actually verbalized to you that you can get a blood test to get tested for this.

You said he, he told you. I said, okay, he told me and probably a few hundred thousand at the same time. He said, what kind of venue holds that many people? I said, it wasn't a venue.

It was a TV. No, it wasn't TV. Well, what else could it have been? It's at the radio.

Our doctor said radio. Do they still have radios? I said, yes, they still have radios. I said, it's a bit old fashioned.

And we've got the internet now. I know we got, I use the internet as well. It's not exclusive.

Like you can only, if you can't, if you use the internet, you can't use the radio. I use the radio. It's all digital now anyway.

So I happen to be a verbal person. I like to listen to things as opposed to, I prefer to listen than to read now. I never realized that was never an option when I was a kid.

It was a case of you read or nothing. Now I can listen to audiobooks and I appreciate it more. I think I get more from it.

And she said, why are you telling me all this? What's this got to do with why you came in? You like to listen to audiobooks and you used to read and you get more from it. What's that got to do with the prostate? I said, look, your bedside manner isn't so good. She said, ah, I'm not sitting next to a bed, am I? And my stomach gurgled.

And I said, well, can we just get back to why? Yeah, okay. Okay, let's go back. I heard Stephen Fry on the radio who had been diagnosed himself with that prostate issue.

He said that, he became an advocate because of it. So you've got to take your hat off for that. I'm not wearing a hat, she says, like, you're very antagonistic today.

She said, yeah, I know. I thought I got out the wrong side of the bed. I said, it never happens to me.

She said, oh, you're perfect. I said, no, my bed's against the wall. It's impossible.

We both laughed. Honestly, we were rolling around. And it's really weird because it started off not nice, and we started tickling each other.

And yeah, we've been married for about five years now. No. So I said, look, can I please get a blood test? Stephen Fry wouldn't be allowed to be going on the radio.

He's not giving medical advice, but he wouldn't be advising people about such a serious thing unless there was truth in it, because that would be, well, it's illegal. It's not, you know, I can't do that. And she said, well, you're correct.

I said, thank you. She said, no, no, no, I'm not finished yet. Your beard is very gray.

I said, what's that got to do with anything, my beard being gray? She said, it's distracted me. Why didn't you trim it? Why don't you trim yours? She didn't laugh at that one. I, like, what's my beard got to do with the prostate, you know, conversation that we've been experiencing together? She said, nothing.

It's just very distracting. And why have you only got one shoe on? I said, it's a long story. It's a long story.

You don't really want to hear it, do you? She said, normally, I don't. But unfortunately, well, my next customer or patient, I have to do a prostate exam on him. And I really don't want to, I don't like doing it.

So I'd rather just chat to you and, you know, put that off as long as possible. It's a messy business. I said, well, why don't you do mine then? She said, I don't like doing them.

But you didn't, you didn't book in to do it. You need to book that in advance. You know, you can't just turn up and expect to get it.

I said, why not? Well, she said, look, if you turn up to a restaurant, you're not guaranteed a seat, are you? That's why you have to book. I said, this isn't a restaurant though, is it? She said, no, it's not. But it's a good analogy.

I don't think it is a good analogy. I think you're a bit wrong. You're a bit off on that one.

She said, okay, okay. Right, here's a better one. If you get on a train, and you've got a long journey, you get on a train, if you don't book the tickets in advance, then you don't get a seat.

You're not guaranteed a seat, are you? And you could end up standing or sitting on the floor for the whole journey. I said, well, okay, that is a better, it's a better analogy. But, you know, better than the other one.

But I don't really, I'm just thinking prostate exam, eating in a restaurant doesn't, the two don't seem to really fit together. But I imagine, you know, there's been times when I've been stuck for a seat, and I've ended up sitting on the public toilet, in the toilet inside the train rather, for the whole journey. She said, you did what? I said, yeah, don't worry, it was, it was clean.

She said, no it wasn't, there's no such thing as a clean toilet. It just, the word toilet indicates dirt. I said, yeah, I'm not saying it was like perfectly clean, I wouldn't eat my sandwich off of it, usually.

She said, this is weird, this has gone in a really weird direction. And I said, look, all I wanted to do was ask you about the blood test, so that rather than having the digital test, you know, for those thinking digital test, what's that online, is it? Yeah, yeah, okay. And she said, but you have to book it.

I said, okay, we've been through that, so I understand you can't do it. I said, no, and she said, no, I don't have time. However, yeah, the story about your shoe, why you've only got one shoe on, I do have time for that.

I said, well, so you haven't got time to help me to determine whether or not I've got some, well, to determine the health, my health, which I would say is probably a bit more important than why I've only got one shoe on. She said, yeah, technically, it's more important, but it's not as interesting. You wouldn't believe how boring this job is.

I said, but you're a hero, you're saving people's lives, you've got one of the most important jobs on the whole planet, being a doctor. I mean, it's up there with, there's not really any other more important job really in the whole world. You know, you're a doctor, surgeons, nurses, paramedics, the police, fire service, astronauts, you know, it's, they're important jobs.

And isn't that enough just to know? I mean, just don't you feel good? I mean, how can any, anything be boring to you when you're literally helping to save the world? She said, I'm bored now. I said, what? She said, you're so boring. She said, I thought your beard was boring, but then I'm thinking, is that why you let it grow out? So there's something, because compared to your personality, your, your beard is actually mildly interesting.

I said, this is just getting rude. Just please, can we focus on the blood test? Just can I please have a blood test to check the health of my prostate? And she said, well, you can tell Stephen Fry from me. I was thinking, yeah, okay, go on then.

You want me to pass a message on to Stephen Fry? Because at this point I've forgotten, I don't even know him. She said, let him know that you can't get an accurate result from a blood test. This, this is a hundred percent what she told me.

Okay. And I said, well, why is he going telling people that you can then? Well, if you can't, then why, what was, seriously, what? She said, I don't know, but they're not accurate. And this is years ago.

I said, well, I don't want to, I just, I don't, I don't know what to say. She said, good. Maybe you'll stop talking.

It's a really weird conversation. So like, are you always like this? She said, not always, but just sometimes. Do you ever get, have you ever had a job where usually it's okay and you're dealing with the public, you know, you can get a little bit frustrating, a little bit challenging, maybe, you know, a little bit of, it doesn't always go to plan, but you know, you get through it.

Have you ever had a job like that? I said, yeah, yeah. I used to work in sales. I've worked, I've worked in supermarkets.

I've worked in a chip shop. I've worked. She said, no, I don't need to know all your jobs.

She said, so usually I'm fine. But you ever get that one person that comes in and you just can't, just cannot tolerate them at all. And everything they do winds you up, even the way that they stand or the way that they breathe just rubs you up the wrong way.

I said, yeah, I suppose. She said that you're that person to me. It's like, wow.

It's like, even got to the point where I was like, okay, it's hard to argue on that one. I mean, that's how you feel. That's how you feel.

Now tell me about your shoe. I said, it's not really an issue, basically an issue to get that issue. Not really an issue.

All it was is I was getting ready to come out and I was just walking here as I normally do. And there was some builders or the council, they were laying some pavement, laying some paving or doing a fix in the pavement, a sidewalk, whatever you want to call it. And a trod in the concrete.

Now the concrete was untouched. It was just freshly laid. The people that had laid it were standing the other side of the road, all chatting, smoking and drinking coffee.

I don't know if it's coffee. I didn't actually test each cup, but you know, drinking what looks like a hot drink. I mean, it might've been a cold drink, but there was steam coming out of it.

So I'm guessing it was a hot drink. Some things you can just guess or surmise if that's another word, a similar sort of word. Now they hadn't seen me tread into their piece of art because I imagine if you do a job like that, let's say you're laying concrete on a floor, it's a bit of art, isn't it? It's like you can have a bit of pride for your work.

You put cordons up so people don't stand in it, unless they walk around the cordons or dip underneath the plastic wiring, which I did. And I didn't want to upset them. I didn't want them to look at me like I was some kind of a weirdo.

So what I did is when I stepped into the concrete, it went up to about my ankle kind of area. So what I did is I just left the shoe in there and I just came, just carried on walking. And that's it.

That's just the whole story, really. So just a standard journey, except I ended up with just one shoe. And she said, well, did the people, did the workers see you do it? I said, no.

Did they see you leave your shoe in there? I said, no. So where did you go? Did you walk back? I said, no, no, I carried on walking while I was going. So you carried on walking past the workmen or workwomen? I said, yeah.

Did they notice you? I said, yeah. They were laughing. They kept shouting out, one shoe, one shoe, Hugh, which was a bit weird.

I don't know how they knew my name was Hugh. I thought your name was Jason. Yeah, Hugh's my middle name.

Oh, why don't you use that? It's nicer than Jason. It's not nicer than Jason. There's no nicer name in the world than Jason.

It's a lovely name. It means healer. Are you sure? Yes, it does.

It means healer or healing hands. That wouldn't hold up in court, would it? I know, I've been saying that myself since I was about 20. I know, that's been, no one ever laughed, but I've always said it.

She said, well, yeah, perhaps you shouldn't say it anymore. I said, but you just said it yourself. And then she said to me, do you ever wonder when people listen to this on the podcast, whether or not they can follow it, if they know who's saying what? I said, what do you mean? She said, well, it's the same voice, isn't it? It's just your voice talking.

I imagine it's not that easy to follow because I'm talking, then you're talking, but we both sound the same. There's no, and then she said, and then I said, and then she said, and the doctor said, and I said, and then I said, you don't do any of that. Occasionally you do, but generally it's just back and forward.

I'll be honest, Hugh, I struggle to know who's speaking and I'm the one speaking. I said, well, it's weird, Hugh just sounds wrong, doesn't it? She said, yeah, it did. Well, I don't even know you, but you just don't look like a Hugh.

But then you don't look like a Jason either. Really? Well, what do you think I look like? I don't know, Pat. Pat? Yeah, Pat or Eric.

Yeah, you look like an Eric. I like the name Eric. It's a good name.

Not really. No, no, I think this is me speaking. I think it is a good, I like Eric.

I had a friend called Eric. Well, I had a name called Pat. A name, I had a friend called Pat.

So, was it competition about what people we know that have names? I mean, everyone has a name. I'm not saying that people don't have names. Although, oh, this is interesting.

I doubt it. This, this is interesting. I had a friend who changed his name by deed poll before I met him to Free Spirit.

I don't, I never knew him by his other name. And before I met him, because he worked in the same shop as me, I'd not met him, but I'd heard about him. And I was told, oh, his name is Free Spirit and everyone calls him Free.

I said, nah, that's just silly. This is back in 2003 or 2004. So, I was, it just, I don't know, I had a little bit of an attitude on me back then.

I just thought, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I met him and he was lovely. And I just called him Free Spirit.

I called him Free. Just, it just naturally, if it would, I think it would have been difficult had I known him as Stephen Bobblehead, whatever his original name was. But knowing him as Free Spirit and he changed his name by deed poll.

He had it on his passport. Every time he went abroad, they would, he went to another country, they would pull him up and they would interrogate him because of his name. So what's your real name? That is my real name.

No, what's your real name? That is my real name. But what's your legal name? No, this is my legal name. Look, my credit cards have got the name on it.

My passport's got my name on it. What about your birth certificate? I don't have that. Why not? Why would I take a birth certificate on a holiday with me? Bad enough, I've got to take my girlfriend.

Boom, boom. And she, it's like, he was nice. He was nice.

So I kind of just, but if I'd have known him as Eric, I'm going to stick with that name. If I'd have known him as Eric, then that would have been strange to start calling him free. But he really was a free spirit.

Like, that's why he named himself that. But he was a proper character. And the doctor said, why are you telling me this? I said, I don't know.

It's, she said, I'm going to guess. I know why you're telling me this. I said, why? She said, because you're supposed to be talking about the newspapers.

Yeah, this podcast is called Sunday Papers. But so far, you've mentioned two stories. One, which is about celebrities wearing corsets.

And the other one, which led you to talking about prostate. And you've not even mentioned the story, you've not even told everyone the story yet. I said, I know.

I know. Why can't you just focus? Just try focusing on what you're supposed to be doing. Remember that it's Sunday Papers, and then bring yourself back to talking about the papers.

Because otherwise, what's the point in paying £12 a month for the, for the newspaper app, if you're not actually going to use the newspapers? I said, look, my intention was to use the newspapers is to read through it. And I have done in the past, but sometimes, very occasionally, the odd moment here and there, I may slightly drift off into a different lane, heading in a completely alternate direction.

And she said, really? I don't think anyone's noticed.

Was that sarcasm? She said, yeah, it was. I said, I'll be honest, I don't know. I mean, perhaps if I put a big sign on the wall saying Sunday Papers, just to remind me to come back to it.

She said, that's not a bad idea. But I do have a question. I said, go on then.

She said, well, when you do the Q&A Friday, you do manage to keep bringing it back to the questions. You drift off, you, you know, you waffle on, bit rude. Yeah, I know, but it's true.

You waffle on a little bit. But you do bring it back to the questions. And I said, yeah, I agree.

I do. I think I do a pretty good job of that. She said, not really what I was saying, but you, you do, you kind of do manage to bring it back.

So what's different about the Q&A Friday and the Sunday Papers? Don't say one's Q&A Friday and one's Sunday Papers, because that would really annoy me. And then I will give you that prostate exam. So okay, blimey.

I don't know. Maybe it's because I've done quite a few of the Q&A Fridays. There's probably done maybe five months worth of them now.

Probably done quite a lot. And it's become part of my week. It's almost like a weekly tradition now, which might sound weird, but it and I think it's because I do want to actually answer the questions, because it's the questions have come from people who listen to me.

And they've gone, they've made the effort to ask me a question. So it's important to me to try and answer those questions. She said, but in that case, why don't you answer them properly? Okay.

Wow, didn't see that one coming. It was weird considering I don't want to set it. I I like to think I do answer them properly.

But you know, at the same time, I don't generally my aim is not to be too serious with these recordings. You know, try and keep it light. If you want serious, then watch the news.

There's a lot of serious stuff on there. I'm not, you know, I'm not like, completely one dimensional. And, you know, I can, I can be serious, I really can at times.

But with the podcast, I generally don't to, I do too much of the serious stuff. I like to keep it nice, you know, what people to listen, what people to feel comfortable and relaxed and to just let go of stuff, you know, not not. It's I like to think of my podcast as being easy.

You know, do you mean easy listening? Yeah, I suppose but not. I don't want it to be the verbal equivalent of elevator music, or lift music. You know, I don't, I want it to be a little bit more than that.

I don't want it to be just completely bland. And almost you don't even know it's happening. Because some background music, you know, maybe in a hotel lobby or an airport or in a shop or in a lift.

It's almost don't even notice it's going on because like, I don't want to be the equivalent of that. But like, at the same time to try and be able to just kind of be there, but not necessarily be prominent. So that then people if they, who are listening, choose that they're listening to fall asleep, you know, relax and fall asleep that they can do.

And I'm not like, I'm not requiring anyone's attention. You know, I'm not, I'm not, not really asking questions. And I'm not necessarily needing anyone's full attention, or asking people to really be part of it, in a sense.

I guess I'm kind of like just a background sound to some people. I'm not talking just about my family and friends. And she said, Oh, it nearly brought a tear to my eye.

I said, Really? She said, No. Can you leave, please? I said, Okay, but what did you think about the story of my shoe? She said, Well, okay, I got a couple of comments. First of all, why did you go underneath the tape, which said do not cross and walk into the concrete or the pet? Is it concrete, cement, concrete, whatever it was? I said, Yeah.

Why? I just, I don't know if. Okay, here's what it is. I always wanted to be in a marathon.

But I don't think I've ever really had the fitness. I don't know if I've ever. Even when I was a kid, even when I used to run for hours, I don't think I've ever had that type of fitness to do 26 miles or 26 or 27 miles for a marathon.

I just don't. I mean, I don't, I'm not sure if I could, even at my very fittest, I don't know if I could have even walked 27 miles. You know, at my peak, when I drew my life, I don't know if I could have even done that.

And she said, Well, most people do train, you know, I said, Okay, but there's been times when I was training regularly. What, for a marathon? I said, No. She said, That's what you train for.

The marathon. You know, you don't train for a swimming race by having a hot dog competition eating thing, do you? You don't, you know? I said, That wasn't really a good example, was it? She said, No, I didn't have enough time to really think it through. I said, Do you want to have another go? She said, I don't know.

I think the moment's passed. It would have been funny if I had just come out with something really good on the spot. But I feel like I'm being looked at, you know, a little bit.

It's just like, Oh, I said, I know how you feel. I know how you feel. It's sometimes a bit of pressure, isn't it? She said, Yeah, I don't know how you do it.

I said, What do you mean? Well, how you just, how you're able to be yourself. I said, Thank you. She said, That's not a compliment.

You what? No, I just don't know how can you walk around being you and just not, I mean, how can you leave the house? That's rude. That's so rude. She said, Yeah, but don't you ever like, wish that you were someone else? I said, No.

Well, yeah, in a fantasy way. Yeah, I mean, yeah, to be a pop star or to be, you know, some someone really handsome man or to, you know, I don't know. Killian Murphy, for example, someone beautiful, like this beautiful man.

You think he's beautiful? I said, Yeah, it's okay to say that because it's a fact. Some people, some men are just, just amazing looking. George Clooney, Brad Pitt.

It's hard to argue against it, to be fair. They, not only are they, they've aged so well as well, because they're all like in their 90s now. And it's just, it's amazing how, how the genetics and I mean, maybe the living, the way they live as well.

She said, They're not in the 90s. Why do you have to exaggerate all the time? Always, always exaggerating. Well, to be honest, Doc, I would say that you were exaggerating men by saying that I exaggerate all the time.

Besides, this is the first time we've met. How would you know what I do? Not just all the time, but anytime? She said, Well, it's just a guess. I spent enough time with you.

We've been together now for about six hours. I said, Yeah, you really are putting off that, that next patient, aren't you? She said, Yeah, I know. It's just I shouldn't really tell you this.

But it's, it's just, okay, I won't give you any personal information. But his name is Derek James, lives at 42 Gosford Avenue, in Milton Keynes, MK 4396, telephone number 01743 492986. Born on the 29th of the 10th 1952.

It was a Friday. His mum's maiden name was Smith. And he's Yeah, I think he had a pet cat when he was a kid called Cat.

Anyway, he last time he said, Wait a second, I thought you wouldn't give me any personal information. I said didn't tell you what colour his hair was, did I? They're true. Size nine shoes.

Sorry, I'll stop now. And anyway, last time he came in for a prostate exam, which was five years ago, every five years we do it. I said, Okay, yeah.

She said, Well, he was constipated. I said, Okay, how long has he been constipated? She said, Well, up to the point that he came here. I said, I said, Okay, so that was the end of his constipation.

She said, Yes, it was. And I don't think you need to tell me anymore, do you? She said, No, probably not. So you can understand why I don't really not looking to do it again, because we couldn't use this office for about three months.

I have some more information than I needed. She said, I know. I love telling people about it.

Oh, I tell you what, look, look, what's this? She pulled out a picture of him. Like not just his face. Wow, this is so unprofessional.

She said, I know. It's terrible, isn't it? But you know, considering doing this kind of job, I'm pretty much like the master of the universe in a way, aren't I? Helping, you know, being a doctor. You know, kind of we do rule the world a little bit.

And I'm like a queen, really, if you think about it. So it gets a little bit boring sometimes. So just have to kind of make up our own entertainment.

I said, Can I ask you a question? She said, Yeah, I've got two. Okay. First question is, is that what you're doing now? You're making up your own entertainment? And she said, Yeah, kind of.

What's your second question? Okay, second question. Are you really a doctor? She started laughing. She said, No, I'm not.

What do you mean you're not? She said, No, I'm just a cleaner. Just came in here. This office is being changed.

We're basically redoing the office. And I'm cleaning it, I'm going to be painting it and everything. And we're just basically packing stuff away.

You just happened to walk into the wrong room. And I thought it was funny. So I thought I'd just pretend to be a doctor.

I said, What? She said, Yeah, sorry. I just I thought it'd be funny. Because you know, whenever I do a job, because this is a contract we've got for the next probably three months.

And we're renovating about a third of the building. Parts of it we can't, we're not able to renovate. Because it needs the inspector because there's asbestos in the ceilings.

So we need to renovate to get the inspectors to come in and remove that before we can, well before the whatever is the trust, the NHS trust can get that those offices done. And I'm not sure if they're going to give us the other contract. But they're giving us a contract for the next three months.

I said, Okay, that's a lot of information. She said, Yeah, I know. But I'm trying to explain it to you, you see.

And anyway, whenever we get a new job, a new place, I like to play a practical joke. And you are that practical joke. And I said, Okay, well, I've heard it all now.

She said, Wait, wait, you haven't heard all of you haven't heard it all yet. And I like to film it and stream it live on Facebook. I said, Really? Okay.

What? She said, Yeah, it's funny. Don't you think? I said, Hmm. Hmm.

She said to me, she looked me in the eyes and she said, Boo. You've run out of things to say now, haven't you? I said, Yeah, I kind of have. And it's gone on.

This actually conversation has gone on a little bit longer than it normally does. What do you mean normally does? Well, these like pretend conversations. Sometimes they go on for a few minutes, but this seems to have gone on for a lot longer.

And I'm not even sure how we got to this point. She said, Are you finding it difficult to move away from it? From the conversation, like finding an exit? I said, Yeah, that is exactly it. I'm struggling to find an out to find a way to sort of maneuver into the next, the next thing.

She said, Well, you could just, if you know what the next thing you want to talk about is, you could incorporate an aspect of that into the conversation with me. And then sort of move gently into that conversation. You see what I mean? I said, I suppose so.

I just don't know. I don't can't know how to do that, though. Well, okay, you could let's say I've got an idea.

I'll give you something you could. Why don't you talk about the Prime Minister? Well, he did. No, no, you talked about the previous two previous Prime Ministers, Boris and I can't remember a name.

I said, Okay, why don't you talk about the current Prime Minister, old Starmer? I said, Yeah, well, how would I? How would I move into that? Well, if you look at the newspaper, does it has it got anything about him? Because they always do continuously talk about him. I said, Okay, let's have a look. All right, it's an article about his first 100 days in office.

So what's the headline? It says, I'm just getting started. Okay, well, what we could do if I say to you, if you say to me, so how, how long have you been here, doing the renovations and cleaning up and everything? Because you're just a cleaner. I said, No, I'm not just a cleaner.

I'm the cleaner, but I do other things as well. Yeah, don't try and put down my occupation. I'm not trying to put down your occupation.

I'm just saying, I've been a cleaner myself. And that's supposed to make me feel good, is it? You telling me what you've done? What's the relevance of that? I'm just saying that I've got I'm not disrespectful towards cleaners, because I've had loads of cleaning jobs myself. She said, Well, I've only had one.

And so I'm probably better than you, aren't I? I said, No. There is nothing wrong with being a cleaner. I did it.

I spent years doing cleaning jobs. And why is that? It doesn't matter why just that that's what I did. She said, Okay, well, you you just if you ask me how long I've been doing this, this particular contract.

Okay. So, okay, we go. So Oh, by the way, how before I go, how long have you been doing that contract? Have you? No.

Ask me how long I've been here. I say, Oh, how long you been doing the contract? That doesn't even make sense. Really? Is that how long I've been here in this office? Okay.

All right. How long have you been here in this office? They do you use your own words? That's like, use my words copy me verbatim. I like that word.

It makes me look intelligent. I said, No, it doesn't. And I said, Okay, so how long? How long you been here? And how long you've you've been here? She said that was rubbish.

But anyway, only a little while. I'm just getting started. Okay.

No, no, I've just said that. Now you can say, funny enough, that's what Starmer said. That's what the Prime Minister said.

I'm just getting started. See? Okay, okay. Let's do it again.

Come on. Okay. How long have you been here then? I'll put a bit of energy in.

That sounded like you just, you clearly weren't interested in the answer, were you? That's okay. Okay. Hey, how long have you been here then? No, that just sounded weird.

Blimey, you know, I mean, no one, no one in the world would be that excited about how long I've been here. Okay. Here's another go.

So how long you been there? Oh, that's better. What is? I'll do it again. Okay.

How long you been there? Oh, not long. In fact, I'm just getting started, really. I said, Oh, you know, the new Prime Minister has been cleaning and going to be decorating his office.

No, that's not what I told you to say. Why are you talking about the Prime Minister cleaning his office? You talking about what you said to do to say that the Prime Minister is doing what you're doing? No. What did the headline say? Let's have a look.

I'm just getting started. Yeah. So he's talking about his first hundred days, you said his first hundred days in office as a Prime Minister.

The headlines, I'm just getting started. And you want to move from this conversation, which is dragging on, let's be honest, to talk about the Prime Minister. So by asking me how long I've been doing this job, and you say, and I say, Oh, you know, not long, just just getting started, really.

And you can say, yeah, you understand what I'm saying? And you can move on. I said, All right. Okay.

I said, So how long have you been working there? Because the Prime Minister's only just getting started. So I said, No, no. It doesn't even make sense.

It does, because I'm talking about the newspaper article. But how are the listeners supposed to know that? We're having a conversation about, you know, me cleaning this office and then going on to do whatever else I'm doing. But how talking about the Prime Minister, just getting started? How is that going to, especially I didn't even told you I just got started.

Okay, right. Okay, so it needs right. I know what you need.

I know you need me to do now. Are you sure? Yeah. Okay.

Okay. One more time. Okay.

Go. You put me off. I didn't know you're gonna say go.

Okay. All right. I'll keep quiet.

Just go ahead. Hugh. Huey.

I said, No, don't call me that. It's not a popular name these days. Okay.

So why is that? It's a different newspaper article. Just let's just move on. It's okay.

So why? Okay. Now. So how long you been doing this for them? She said, Oh, not long.

In fact, I'm only really just getting started. Actually. I said, Oh, you just getting started? Are you? You know, who else is just getting started? The Prime Minister of the UK is only just getting started as well.

And because it reminds me of a newspaper article that I read, which had the headlines. I'm just getting started. And it's all about the Prime Minister talking about his first 100 days in in office, and how he's just getting started.

How about that? Was that a good one? You know, I have no words. Yeah, I'll tell you what. Yeah, that was really good.

Yeah. So you think I should do that one again and then move on? No, no, no, you don't need to do it again. You've done it.

You can just move on to the the conversation about that article. We don't need to say anymore. I feel I've kind of feel I do though.

Really? I don't I mean, do you? Yeah, you know, I mean, no, not really. I don't know what it means. I said, maybe I got an idea.

Maybe you can say something. I said to the doctor, maybe you can mention something, which would then lead me on to the story or on to a different story. She said, okay.

I remember the last time you did a podcast when you said, when you said that thing at the end, like, I hope you all remember to be happy to yourself or something. I said, Oh, be kind to yourself. She said, Yeah.

She said, I love hearing you say that. Remember to be happy. Be fruitful to all that with yourself.

I said, you mean be kind to yourself? She said, Yeah, I like hearing you say that. That's my favorite part. I said, why is that? She said, because it means it's the end of the recording.

I was like, that is so, so rude. So rude. And she said, you're rude.

I said, well, I'm not. She said, we haven't talked about anything. You've literally wasted the entire recording, having some false, made up conversation about nothing for about 19 hours.

And you didn't even finish the conversation that that was about to start with. And the newspaper article that you'd start talking about, that led you to have this fictional conversation, this dialogue of sorts. It's just, what was that? I mean, that sounds a little bit like a pregnant goat trying to entice a penguin out of a tree.

She said, that was weird. That was a weird, a weird image. I said, I know.

But anyway, that was a weird sound you made. She said, I know, I'm just flummoxed. I'm flummoxed of what you're saying.

And I'd love to hear that last bit of what you say. The last, you know, last thing you say. I said, okay, I can say a few.

You want me to say that? Yeah. All right. Thank you for listening.

And remember to be kind to yourself. Because you do deserve to be happy. Be gentle with yourself.

Lots of love. Bye. Is that the one? Hello? Where's she gone? Oh, well.

See you everyone. I'll be back again tomorrow. Bye.