(Long Voice Only) Doctors Appointment  #1644 Let Me Bore You To Sleep

Hello, hello and welcome to let me bore you to sleep. My name is Jason Newland and I have so much to tell you, so much. Oh, even Finn is doing a little So, yeah, only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

My website is jasonnewland.com You can listen to all of my recordings on there. You can download them. I also upload my recordings to Instagram X and TikTok.

And I have a Facebook group called Jason Newland's Boring Group. Not really selling it, is it, that name? It's not a title that kind of shouts out Join me, come on, it'll be fun. Maybe not.

And yeah, I also have a PayPal link on my website. If you'd like to help cover the costs of this free service, which brings me to my next little section. So I'd like to thank Ing and for PayPal gift yesterday before I went to bed.

Well, I don't want to thank her before I went to bed because I've already been to bed, but thank her, you know what I mean. I did post a thank you on Facebook, the Facebook group. I've also had a PayPal gift from someone in Canada, but don't.

The thing is with the with the PayPal gifts, I don't, I can't always contact people to say thank you directly, which is a little bit. Difficult, but if you listen to this, you know who you are anyway. It's a company beginning with F. D. FD something.

And I know that you sent PayPal gifts before and I just forget who's who as in and. There was no message or anything, so. I just don't want to.

I don't want to come across as being wooed, you know, I mean. For not responding to PayPal gifts, because it's important that I do, but sometimes I can't do it because. You know, I mean.

So. What's going on here? So a few little mess, well, a few messages. So for Ing, the message was, what does it say? Thank you for your podcasts.

Helps so much to fall asleep. Thank you, Ing. And Emily.

Thank you for all the work you do on the let me bore you to sleep. I listen nearly every night. Thank you, Emily.

Thank you very much. I'm glad I'm still. I'm glad that I still useful.

What I'm doing is still useful. And so Nicole, thank you again. There's no message there.

Samantha, thank you for your PayPal gift and message. Hope this helps buy your favorite treat for yourself from me. Thank you very much.

I did. I bought. You know, one of those.

F1 cars, I bought one of them. And I'm thinking of actually buying a racetrack to run it on. It depends.

I need some room for my private helicopter to land. But yeah, I'm just, you know, it's hard. It's hard being a billionaire.

You know, people make out a whole billion tax the billionaires more. Yeah, but you don't know how difficult it is. Is a lot of this is a lot of, you know, it's not easy.

It's really, you know, I get up, you know, the average person, would you would you have to like, oh, what pair of socks am I going to wear? I have to decide which Ferrari I'm going to drive. Is it a Ferrari? Is it a BMW? Is it a Bugatti? Is it the Mercedes? You know, should I get the private jet? But then if I get the private jet, I've got to go to the airport. If I get a helicopter, it can land on top of my house, because obviously I've got an airport, and a helicopter port at the top of my house, like most people.

But like most people that have helicopters, I suppose. I do struggle. I think sometimes that's another thing is being super rich.

Like me, it's it's hard to relate to some of the normal humans. You know, we as billionaires, we call you norms, the norms, or the poor, but that's a bit rude now, isn't it? We don't call you poor anymore, the norms. And but there's, there's some people that think, you know, they're all they're got like five, six million.

I dropped six, I can drop 10 million on the floor by accident and not even pick it up. It's not worth my time. So yeah.

And really, in my club, if you haven't got your own space rocket, then you're not really rich, unless you can fly into space whenever you want. And unless the government is paying you billions of dollars every year, relying on you, then you don't, you know, it's not really money. Oh, I've got, I've got 100 million.

So 100 million. You know, if I went into a public toilet, and I accidentally dropped 100 million into the toilet, I just flushed the toilet. I wouldn't even bother.

I was like, that's not worth my time. It's like, I'm not putting my hand in there. Just for 100 million.

The hell am I talking about? Oh, dear. It's because it's early in the morning. That's what it is.

It's that's, that's what it is. Because early in the morning, I'm just talking a little bit silly. I do apologize.

I don't really have an F1 car. Or a yacht. Don't tell anyone because I like to people, you know, it's the old saying, isn't it? Like, fake it till you make it.

Doesn't always work. I used to fake being handsome. What have I got? What have I got? What have I got? Oh, see, there's another one here.

Right, okay, so I won't be doing that. So I already read that one out. 12 from Christine from June.

Hi, JJ, hope this helps with things. Lots of love, Christine. From United Kingdom.

So you can leave a message to say who it's from. Ah, okay. Miss Rachel.

See, I need to write these down because I just feel like I'm being ignorant if, if I don't respond. It's just, it's just rude, isn't it on my part? If someone's kind enough to help me out, the least I can do is pretend to be grateful. See, that's what I've gone wrong in the past.

I haven't been able to control my mouth. You know, I'm grateful. I do genuinely.

It's amazing. It amazes me that anyone helps me. So I appreciate any help I get genuinely.

Because there's been periods in the past when running this has been easy, like financially. It wasn't a chore at all. But it's my own money's gone down.

Lately, I don't know why they just reduced some of my payments. And you know, just I don't get into all that. But you know, financially, it's just it's not completely easy all the time.

But I have ordered some food right now. And I've got delivery coming probably in the next hour or so. So that's good because that's sorted me for the week.

Yay, food. I like food. It makes me happy.

Yeah, well, that's it. That's out of the way. So thank you really genuinely.

Thank you for everything. So I didn't do Monday's boring objects yesterday, because a little bit tired. Yeah, I didn't do one yesterday because a little bit tired.

I did. However, I can just get this up. I did do two recordings yesterday, just not let me bore you to sleep.

Now, that's another thing I kind of you might not know about this about me, but I'm a bit of a worrier. I try not to worry. I listen to my own relaxation sessions.

I do use I do what I do. That makes sense. I, I listen to the recordings that I record.

Because they do help. They help me. Hopefully they help other people.

And it calms me down. And it Yeah, it's it's needed. And for my kind of my, for my situation, with the bipolar and all that stuff.

It's a day to day constant. Like a work in progress, is if that's a way of saying it is every day is a new day. And which is for everyone I know, but I never used to put any effort into things like that.

When I was younger, maybe I didn't need to. I didn't feel like I needed to. But if I had done, perhaps I wouldn't have got as ill as often as I did.

But then as because I hadn't been diagnosed, and I hadn't, I wasn't on the right medication and stuff. So there's different ways of looking at it. But I have been trying to kind of calm myself down since my 20s.

You know, I had a meditation tape that I used to listen to when I was in my early 20s. And I used to listen. Yeah, sort of.

It's not. I mean, I'm now 50. Well, I'm now I'm now nearly 30 now 55 55.

There's no way of saying 55 without it sounding old. It's just no like, yeah, I'm just 50. Even if you say it really quickly, like 55.

You're what? 55. No, it still sounds old. If you say it slowly, 55.

It just sounds weird, doesn't it really? If someone did, you know, how old are you? I'm 55. For it'd be a bit freaky. I know.

I might try it today. But then, you know, what's the chances of someone asking me my age? 55 the good thing about making does squeaky wasn't it? The good thing about making podcasts is you can't see me. And I can't see myself.

That might sound weird, but maybe the second part might sound weirder than the first part. So, in a way, not not that you people listen to this because of any other reason than just to relax and whatever. But, you know, you can imagine that I'm, you can imagine I look however you want me to look, you know, if you don't know how I look like.

And because I don't I don't think many people match their voices. But to me, I do match my voice, but that's because I know who I am and I've seen myself and I've heard myself. That might seem weird to say that, but from talking to people, a lot of people are very surprised when they hear their voice for the first time on a recording.

I don't sound like that, do I? Yeah, you do. But that doesn't make sense because I was going to try and get some voiceover work, but I was unsuccessful. I don't understand.

Well, maybe you do now because you sound like that. But I've got a nice silky voice. And for me, this might sound weird.

And I said this before, actually, but my voice sounds exactly. So on the recording, it sounds exactly as it is does in my ears as I'm talking now. But that's just because I guess I've been doing it for so long.

My ears are now tuned in to know how I sound. I'm sure when I was in my 20s, I didn't have a clue how I sounded. I didn't care, probably.

In my 30s, being on the phones, because you can hear your voice on a phone, if you've got headphones on, you can kind of hear how you sound as you're speaking to the customers. So that's the first time. No, it's not the first time actually.

It's the first time I realized that I had an okay voice. But I helped out in the comedy club in the office for a little while in the 90s. And my boss said that people know the customers used to tell me that I had a nice voice.

And one of the ladies that worked in there, she used to call me sexy voice. And on a day's off, she called me up. She's phoned up just to hear my voice.

She's like, Oh, sexy voice. Hi, Jason. It's like, okay.

So yeah, I didn't take too much notice of it. Because at that time, I didn't know anything about hypnosis. I had no idea I was going to be making recordings for decades to come.

Although my voice has got deeper. Back then, I was like, Hi, good morning, everybody. Hello, everybody.

That's how I sounded. I don't know how I ever got a date with anyone. You know, it's like, Hi, I was wondering if you'd like to come out on a date with me.

My name is Jason. It's weird that that was me in my 30s. So if you if you want to listen, there should be some videos on YouTube of me from about 2007.

My voice is so high. It really like, Hi, welcome to Jason, www.jasonnuland.com. That's kind of how I sounded. And, and I played it to a couple of people because just for them to hear how different I sound, because I've played my recordings.

Some hypnosis recordings for a couple of friends and they said, you don't sound you don't sound like that when you talk normally. I said, well, yes, the hypnosis ones, it's a different speed and it's a different energy, a different timbre, different tone, whatever. It's not like I don't do it in a normal speaking voice, although I would say that my normal speaking voice is closer to the hypnosis voice than my hypnosis is to a speaking voice.

And after saying that out loud, I realized that made no sense whatsoever. But hey, I'm sticking with it. Yeah, still doesn't make any sense.

In fact, not only doesn't it doesn't make sense. I've forgotten what I said. See, yeah, and had a weird day yesterday.

It wasn't a bad day. It was a weird day. In fact, in some ways, it was a really good day.

But it was a weird day. So I'm going to tell you something that I haven't told you before. And oh, no, he's getting serious.

Yeah, but it's a good result. If that makes sense. So, you know, people for my audience to listen to let me boy to sleep.

I value. I value you as an audience. I've got the best audience in the world.

I really do. I believe that I've got the best audience, loyal and not just that, but you appreciate what I do. And you know, I like that.

It's nice to be appreciated. Because ultimately, I'm sitting here on my own. Which I have been for 20 years doing various different places I've lived, making recordings.

Okay, I'm not on my own. I got Vinnie with me. I shouldn't say that should I got Vinnie with me before Vinnie.

I had Andre with me. So I've really only been doing them on my own. During that period between Andre and Vinnie, and before 2015.

So for the last, so yeah, I'd say probably for at least 10 years, with a few breaks and stuff. I've always had either Vinnie or I've had Andre with me. A couple of times I've had humans.

They've been in the room with me. But that's very, very rare, very, very, very rare. Or I've been talking to someone that's online.

Again, that's quite rare. I've done that a couple of times. It's nice to to feel useful.

Is that is that? Yeah, useful. And I know I've heard some people like who are elderly say that I want to feel useful. I've appreciated feeling useful for 20 years.

In fact, I always liked being useful. Even when I was, see, I'm not. How do I explain this? See, I loved the comedy club.

In London. I loved it. Um, I can't even tell you, as far as buildings go, there's nowhere I love more than that place.

I probably will never never love another place like that. As far as like outside the home. And I should love my home or should I but I guess this is my home.

I don't I don't. Maybe I don't value it like I should. But the comedy club loved it.

Because it is it was such an important part of my life from the age of 20 onwards for quite a while. And I used to like going there and watching the show. But I also like to be involved.

So I got to know the staff. And I like to help out. I'd much rather go along, collect some glasses.

Do just help out a little bit, you know, collect some plates, take them into the kitchen, and watch the show. And do you know, sit at the back or stand at the back watching the show. But just being involved a little bit.

Rather than I don't want to sit at the front on a chair. In fact, I've only done that probably a handful of times, where I've actually been in the audience, sitting as a paid customer. Although most comedy clubs I didn't have to pay to go in during the 90s because everyone knew me, or most people knew me.

But even then I didn't sit in it. I'd sit at the back or stand at the back. You know, I'd never go in and take a paying customer's seat.

But then I didn't want to sit at the front. I didn't want to sit next to people I didn't know. I'd quite happy just to hang out with the comedians and just watch the show from the corner from the back or from the wherever it was.

There's a point to this, but I don't know what it was. I really need to start writing stuff down. My dad has lists of things to remember and he's had for years.

He must have been doing that since I was, since he was my age. Like it's very organised. I think it's not so much a memory thing.

It's just an organisation thing. My dad's very organised. Or both of them together.

Both of my dad's very organised. And I'm organised to a degree. I've got some appointments.

Did I tell you that I've got a new kitchen coming? Yep, I do. This is what I like to do. How much cost for new kitchen in one bedroom flat? Just, I'm always interested to see kind of, I mean it's not, I don't own a kitchen, but I do own a kitchen.

Instant, instant estimate quotes. They say that, but then once you've done it all, they, they want your email address, don't they? And I don't want them to have my email address. Small, eight units.

Oh, now this is the price, but does it include actually being installed? Because I imagine that's, that's the most expensive part. It says here small, eight units. One, two, three, four.

Yeah, actually mine's more than that. Actually, there's more units. So eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.

Yeah, so mine's bigger. This is 2649. But I'm guessing, would you, would you like to buy a flat pack or prebuilt? What? Use your own fitter or we can help you find a reputable fitter in your area.

Blimey, that's, yeah, that's got a cost because they take a good two to three weeks to install the kitchen because I have to get the electrician in, a plumber, carpenter, tiler, painter. So it's, it's a mixture of different people. The only reason I know this is because I've seen three of my neighbours have new kitchens and I've seen it like in progress.

Uncle Sausages had a new kitchen at the end of the year, like, because he, and he left us this time last year. Can't believe Uncle Sausages was in hospital. I was visited and visited.

I was visited blah, blah, blah. I was visiting him literally this time last year because it was the end of June, near the end of June that he, he first went in there. So I was visiting him every day.

Wow. And it was hot. It was hot weather during that period.

And it was pretty much hot the whole month, I think last July. And then I got COVID at the end of July. Absolutely weird month.

That was such a weird, weird period. So I was getting taxes every day, there and back, there and back. And I was buying food because I was there, I was eating.

I was also, I was also buying him food and coffee and stuff. And then eventually he started drawing money out. And he'd buy some stuff as well.

But I ran out of money. And I couldn't get taxes anymore. So I had to get buses.

And I contacted the benefit place to see if I could get a loan to cover the cost of me just traveling there. Because it was costing me 40 pound a day, just under 40 pound a day to get there and back. It's a fair distance from here.

And they said, No, they said, No, we haven't got you down as a carer. I said, I'm not his carer, I'm visiting him. I'm his only regular visitor.

He got one other that visits a couple of times a week, but I was the main visitor. And yeah, they just wouldn't say, not moaning. It's just how it is what it was.

It was what it is. It's just amazing. It's like a year ago.

I still remember he was like, I went visiting him. I think it was a Wednesday. I don't know why I remember that.

And he was asleep. The first time I'd seen him asleep. He kept saying to me, I just want to go to sleep.

He was just so tired, but he couldn't sleep. He fell asleep. And he looked like a little baby.

It was so lovely. Honestly, he was just there on his bed on his left side. Because he had his own room at this point.

And he's just near the reception. And he just looked so cute. And peaceful.

It was nice. So I put his stuff on the table because I bought some stuff for him. And I felt really unwell.

I seriously just oh. And I was relieved that he was asleep. So that I could leave.

Now I had no idea that I had COVID at this point, by the way, I had no idea. All I knew is I just woken up and I felt really not well. But I had to go up there.

I wasn't coughing or sneezing or anything like that. So I went in, gave me stuff and I told the nurse I'm going. He's asleep and I don't feel well.

So I'm going to go home. And I think one of my neighbors or my friends said, get yourself a COVID test. So I ordered a COVID test online.

That got to me the next day. And I did it. And yeah, I was I had COVID.

So I phoned up the hospital ward. And I told him I said, look, they all knew who I was. So I've been going in there for quite a long time.

And I just said, look, this this situation I did come in on Wednesday, I was only there briefly. And I know if you can't tell everyone that was near me in the world, because I was on a bus, I was walking through the hallway and everything. I had no idea.

But I knew I was walking through the hallway. But I told them so they they would not test everyone in that. But I got a phone call from Uncle sausages in the evening, moaning at me.

So I was in bed. Blimey, did I need my bed? He said, Where are you? I said, I'm in bed. This is the next day.

No, Wednesday. Yeah, that's a Wednesday. Call me on Wednesday.

Where's my drinks? I said, Well, I couldn't get you. I had to leave. He was asleep.

So I left. Should have waited. You should have waited.

He literally went. He did. He did a lot.

He told me that it was an impression of a dolphin. You know, flipper from the Australian TV show. I kept saying to him, it sounds nothing like flipper.

I said, flipper was more like You know, that's more like the flipper. But he said, No, flipper sounds like And I realized after a few years, like, you know, because it was in the past with this ongoing argument for about 10 years. I said, you know, I'm just gonna let it go.

Sometimes you just got to like, just let's have some peace. I didn't tell him. But the next time he said, Oh, just like flipper.

And I said, Yeah. He looked at me. And I was like, just I didn't look at him.

I could see him with my peripheral vision. Luckily, my peripheral vision works better than my normal vision. Bless my eyes.

And he never mentioned it again. So all I had to do is agree with him. And he wouldn't have mentioned it again.

Ever since that time, I think I realized that I needed to start looking at my own health. Get myself checked out just generally like there's two things that I knew I needed to do. One was go to the opticians.

One was go to the dentist. Now I had an ongoing toothache that would come and go. But that was never bad.

Although it got a little bit and I ended up going to the dentist and had a month of this was was it June? May? May? May. I think May I had a month of yeah, dentist stuff. I also knew I needed to sort my eyes out because my eyesight's really deteriorated as over time.

So I thought it could be fixed with glasses. But I actually didn't realize that glasses can help but they don't. It can't be you know, there's there's only so much glasses can do.

In a sense of with cataracts and stuff is if you it's, it's all right, I'm fine. But just I can't learn a bit more about it than I realized. I just thought just continue glasses, better lenses, and that's all you need to do.

But it's not quite how the eyes work. Apparently. Still weird to think that our vision is upside down.

Isn't that remarkable? That we see things upside down and it's our brain that turns it around the other way. So the lenses on our eyes are upside down. Why? Why would that be? Unless in the past, not only did we walk on all fours, like it's apparently we did.

And I suppose that's, that's supposed to be how our spine is supposed to be. Our back is built to walk on all fours. But we must have looked, we must have had our head to the floor and looked through our legs.

So I'm guessing we must have walked backwards at some point. But as we've kind of progressed or degressed depending on how you look at it and become upright walkers, our eyes was still the same, it was still upside down. But our brain managed to just compensate.

The brain's amazing, isn't it? Don't you think? It's like, Vinnie, stop flapping your ears. You little monkey. You little monkey.

Monkey. I forgot about my delivery. It should be here soon.

On the way. Should be here in nine minutes. Oh, I'm so excited.

A bit of breakfast cereal. That's good. Milk, breakfast cereal.

And I did get myself a couple of treats. I did. I have.

I have, I have, I have. I'm going to attempt to... I've got some rings coming. For my, what's it for the curtains, and I'm going to try and double them over and then put the other pane on there as well.

See if I could try and cut out a bit more of the outside flibber flabber. If I can, because if I double up those curtains and then put another set of curtains up that also doubled up. I mean, logically, that should be four times more effective.

You know, whether it will be, I don't know. But there's nothing to lose from doing it. And it looks, I think it would be quite easy to do as well.

I don't know why I put it off for so long. I think it's because I did, I was going to get a neighbor to help me, but I never got around to doing it. And it's been like this for about a year, I think.

And they're up, but there's a gap at the top. So Sam can get out and there's only one curtain, but it's so long, it can literally, I don't know if you can, but I reckon it can roll up and still be like double the amount of curtains. It made sense when I said it to me.

So yeah, I've got new kitchen and they're coming around to look at the kitchen and do a design. Okay, so this kitchen is going to be a medium. So that'd be about five grand without the fitting.

To get a kitchen fitted is going to cost a lot of money. So yeah, I'm just the reason I'm looking at the prices because I'm not paying for it. I guess I will pay for it because I'm paying rent and that will pay for it over years and stuff.

But it's still pretty cool. A flat pack. See, if I did own this flat, I was going to say having a flat pack of anything would be no use to me, but then I could get someone to come in and put it up.

But there's no way in the world I would put up, I wouldn't even put a table up now. I wouldn't. There's no point.

I mean, I moved into one place and I bought, I think I bought two bookcases or four bookcases and one of the room was fairly good size actually, but there's no heating. There was no heating. It was an empty room.

So I had to get, I bought a futon. Very uncomfortable. And that one, not all futons, I'm sure, but that was ridiculously uncomfortable.

So I got rid of that and I bought myself a mattress. When I slept on the mattress and the man below me started complaining about all the noise I was making. Because he could hear me because I was on the mattress and there was no bed, you know, underneath me.

So then I went and bought a bed. It's weird. Ironically, he had his radio playing all night long.

So I don't know. He used to listen to LBC, I think, like I do. Anyway, I bought four bookcases, flat pack, and there was a bloke that lived in there that was an ex-builder.

He was retired, but he was a builder and I just paid him. So can you put these up for me, please? So I got to know him first. I didn't just like introduce myself.

Yeah, I moved upstairs. Put these together, please, for me. Let me know when it's done.

No, it wasn't like that. I kind of got to know him a little bit first. But it's quite early on in my, you know, living there.

It's only there for a year. So probably within about a week or so. And it's amazing because I've bought so many bookcases over the years when I've moved.

It's hard to move a bookcase unless you've got a van or something or a lorry to a different address. I've just sort of left them usually and put my books into black bags or whatever. Anyway, I came back.

I left him to do it and I came back from work. And I can honestly say they were the best bookcases I've ever seen in my life. He put them together perfectly.

I'm talking absolutely no gaps, nothing hanging off. The backs were secured, unlike when I did them, and they were all even. They weren't falling.

I mean, basically, they weren't falling apart like mine were when I put them together. I mean, I've put stuff together upside down before without even realizing it. You'd think I'd notice I was standing on my head, wouldn't you? So this recording is going to be in two parts.

I'm going to press pause in a minute. I'm going to get ready and I'm going to take Uncle, Aunty Vinnie out for a WALK because that will coincide with my delivery. So I'll get the delivery.

I'll put some clothes on, get the delivery, take him out, come back and I'll finish the second half of this recording. Okay, is that a deal? Is it a deal? Yes, it is. So, but I will save this so I don't lose it.

Because, you know, it's one thing just leaving it as it is and make sure power's going into it. But if the iPad just closes off, shuts off, I'll lose everything I've done. So I don't want that to happen.

So I will save it as part one. So I'll be back in a second. So I have returned.

It's quite a short walk, actually. But I got my delivery, took him for a walk. Now he's chewing on a treat.

And I'm hot, blimey. Hotter than I was before. Probably all that movement.

So yesterday, I had an appointment with the mental health nurse, just basically it's an annual thing. It's a yearly occasion. And yolly.

Basically, the nurse weighs me, takes my blood pressure, checks my pulse, gives me some blood tests to check all my major organs and stuff. And just asks me how I am, or how I've been. And if there's anything I need help with, or anything like that.

And now, when I went in there, or previous like last week, I was contacting the doctor surgery to do with moles. I'm not talking about the garden type. On my back.

And I didn't quite know what they were. And I went through a set of four instant doctors, they referred me to a specialist, spoke to them, they then referred me back to the doctor to say that I needed to see a dermatologist. Because they can only check one mark, two moles at a time.

This is true. So they can then check two moles at a time. They can't check more than two.

And so that's just the rule. So I called the doctor surgery up again, and they said, Oh, I'm not sure what to do. And what I thought, because, you know, nothing kind of happened from I'd wait until I went in yesterday and speak to them at the reception.

And it took a little bit of hocus pocus. But in the end, we kind of got down to what needs to be done. And I needed to see a doctor.

But they didn't know if the doctor was going to be available to see me today. So they would call me. I said, What do you mean call me? I'm here now.

They said, Yeah, but you might, you know, might not be able to see you now. Because you got your appointment and we might have to call you later this afternoon. I said, but to make an appointment for another day.

And she said no to come back. She didn't say no. No.

I said, I can't come back. She said, Why not? I said, Well, it's a test. It's already cost me money to get here by taxi.

I'm getting a taxi home. I can't afford, I spent all my money. I can't afford another taxi to come in.

And she said, Oh. It's like, why can't I make an appointment? Make me an appointment for the doctor, but they won't do it. They'll only see you on the day.

They won't book an appointment for the future. Which I don't want to moan about them because I actually looked after me yesterday, but I just, it seems very strange that I can't book an appointment for like three weeks time and go in. Like, you know, the idea that I'm going to phone up and they're going to just phone me randomly and say, Yeah, we've got a spot today and come in.

And apparently if you fill a form in and they don't see you, you have to refill the form in the next day until eventually you get seen by a doctor. Doesn't again, I don't want to moan, but blimey. So they reopened the file that I'd already submitted.

And they said, we don't know what's going to happen. But if you go in to see the nurse and we'll let you know about the doctor when you get out, come and see us. So I went into the nurse and I said, how are you doing? I said, I'm good.

You? She said, yeah. And I remember, I think I said, as we were having a blood test, I said, Oh, because she remembered me from last year. She said, I remember you said, Yeah, I remember you as well.

At least I remember the smell. And she laughed. And I said, Oh, I mean, she was about to do the blood test.

I said, Did I ever tell you about my blood test story? She said, Yes. And I started laughing. And she said, Why are you laughing? I said, Because you just, that's such a good way to close someone down.

If they're about to tell you a story and you don't listen to it, if they start off by saying, Did I tell you this before? Just say yes. And then they, you don't have to listen to it. Even if they haven't told you before.

And she said, Yeah, but I do remember you telling me. It was when you was a kid, wasn't it? And you had a blood test. And I said, Oh, okay.

I didn't realize she had actually heard it before. But I just found it funny. But I think, I don't know, she took it the right, I don't know how she took it, but she was very lovely.

And halfway through, I don't know if I'd had the blood test yet. But the door opened, like a little knock, the door opened and this head popped in. It was attached to a body, but you only saw the head.

And I mean, you can assume it's attached to the body because the facial muscle, it was working, the head was clearly active. Otherwise, it just rolled in, wouldn't it? So she, this lady said, Oh, I'm not quite sure what she said, but it was, Oh, I didn't think anyone would be here. Okay.

And so basically, she was the doctor that was coming to see me. So I don't know why she didn't think anyone would be in there. She came in to see me.

But I said, Okay. She said, Well, the nurse, she said, I said, It's on my back. I've got these just little things on my back.

I'm concerned. Which I have been, that's the thing. I've been concerned for a few years about them.

Obviously not concerned enough to go to the doctor, but I was worried. I was putting it off. And I said, Well, you can look at them now if you want me to take my top off.

I just had a shirt on. Both her and the nurse seemed a bit horrified at the idea of me taking my top off. But I thought, Well, the nurse did say, Well, there's no other way you can do it really, is there? I felt like I was the Medusa, the way they were kind of averting their eyes.

Literally, they were looking at my back through mirrors. They were looking in the mirror. One of them actually did have a shield, looking in the mirror bit of the shield to look at my back because they didn't want to look directly at it.

And then the doctor said, Oh, it's fine. And said what it was. It's basically just, I forget what she said.

She said, It's fine. It's just normal. I said, Can't have them removed.

And the nurse said, You'd lose half your back. Because there's quite a few. I was like, Okay, you'd be scarred.

I said, Well, I don't care about scars. I'd rather have scars than moles. But they're not big.

It's just one of those things some people have, some people don't have them. And I felt very strange standing there with my top off because no one sees me without my top off, apart from Vinnie. And even he asks for a bit of notice.

I did a lot of query there. What do you mean? He said, Well, if I'm asleep on the bed, can you please wake me up and let me know you're going to take your top off or get undressed? Because, you know, the other day, I kind of opened my eyes and just looked at you and you was there naked. And it was a horrible way to wake up.

But terrible start to the day. I was like, Vinnie, that's so rude. He said, You're rude.

He's very, I can't believe people say stuff like that. I was remembering some of the bad things, not bad things, it's silly things I said, because there was this person I worked with. I really liked her actually.

And we met each other outside of work, just bumped into each other. I was on the way home. She came out of the supermarket, which was near, so she clearly lived near where I did as well.

So we're just standing, chatting, getting on really well. She's very funny. And I said to her, Do you fancy going back to mine for a bunk up? And she said, No.

I said, Well, do you want to go to the pub for a drink? Because the pub nearby? And she said, No. I said, You look angry. What's going on? She said, I just can't believe you asked me that.

And I just laughed. I said, Look, listen, lighten up. I was just joking about the pub.

So I'm standing there. Apparently, they kept saying, Turn around, because they talked to me, I looked around to look at them. I said, No, turn around.

I can't see your back if you don't turn around. Bearing in mind, my back takes up half the room. And they're like, Oh, it's just, but apparently, it's fine.

It's absolutely nothing. So a few of them on my face and stuff. They're not.

They're not anywhere on my back's worse. But to me, it's grim. And I said to him, I'd like to be able to hold hands with a lady one more time at least.

But no one's going to want to date me if I've got them on my back. And do you know when someone you say something to someone and they just don't say anything, which means that they probably agree with you? Have you ever noticed that? I've noticed that more and more recently over the last 20 years or whatever. Say something that you know is true.

It's amazing. Some people say, No, no, no, you don't have a funny beard. No, no.

You know this. But other people just keep quiet. Just look at you.

If there was someone else might look at the other person. It's like you actually agree with me. Even if what I'm saying, I don't believe myself, you agree.

It's like, wow. I did two recordings today. Healing from the inside.

Finding hope again. And breaking free from control and manipulation. The need for reassurance.

So I've done made two recordings. Early hours, it was. So basically, I went to the doctors.

I was trying to get my vaccine thinking it was serious, genuinely. And it's nothing. Visually, it's actually, I did get the, I asked the nurse to take a photograph of my back, which she did.

And it's not too bad. It's. I'm not sure if I'd even notice it if someone walked past me.

Yeah, I would. It depends. If it was a man.

The thing is, if someone walks past you, depends which way they walk past you. So if they're walking ahead of me, I'll see it. But if they're walking past me and like, you know, I'm weird, like, toe to toe or face to face, nipple to nipple, whatever you want to call it.

And they're walking past me, I'm not going to turn around to look at their back. So I won't see it. But if they're walking backwards towards me, then I'll see it.

I think it's just body decrepitation. I think it's called the decrepit body, whatever is. But then I might have had them there for like, absolute decades, they might have been coming on slowly without realising it.

Because I can't see my back, you see. And the first time I was given any kind of indication that there was potentially something wrong with my back was four years ago. So I've been sitting on this for four years, just scared to go to the doctors.

But this year, but it's good news. So I'm okay. It's really good news.

I genuinely was worried. But I think after, I think this year, especially after Aunty Sausages, Aunty Sausages, make a bit more noise, please. Thanks.

I thought I need to start looking at my situation and just sorting some of the things out. Like so I've gone to a dentist, got my glasses, got my eyes tested. If I hadn't got my eyes tested, I wouldn't have known that I had a lazy and cataracts.

I wouldn't have known that. So it's, I wouldn't be able to see as well as I do now, now that I've got my glasses. If I hadn't gone to the dentist, I wouldn't have known that I had a tooth that needed to come out.

I kind of figured that did because it was aching every now and then kept coming back. But although it was horrible to go through, I'm glad it's done now. And I'm pretty, I'm really going all out to keep the others nice now.

Look after them. I mean, if I told you that I just bought some chocolate in my delivery, you might think, well, you're not really looking after your teeth, are you? But I'm not going to tell you about the chocolate so you won't know. Therefore you can't judge me.

What else? I've got an appointment with the nurse, the different nurse to see me about the arthritis because I just want to get a little bit more advice just to see because it's sort of started in other parts of my body as well, my shoulder and that. It's like, can I get an x-ray or a CAT scan, something just so you can look, just make sure that's what it is. I know it's nothing like serious, serious because I've had it for decades.

It's been coming on slowly for decades. So it's, you know, I've been diagnosed with arthritis, but ultimately, you know, my lower back started playing up in the nineties and my upper back a little bit as well. But that, that was due to an injury that I had to my upper back.

I ripped it. Can you believe it? I actually, it's a freezing cold winter's day snow. And my job was to carry furniture into a nurse's accommodation that's just been built.

So I was going in there and the first thing I lifted my, I could hear my back rip. I could hear it. And I just dropped and I couldn't leave.

I needed the money. I needed that 15 pound or whatever I was earning for the day. So I kept going regardless.

And it took me quite a while to think to really kind of really heal from that. But the lower back, yes, it's been going for a long, long time. I remember even when I was doing insurance, I'd be having to stand up and like move my back around because my lower back was sort of hurting.

So, yeah, it never really affected me. And the only way it's really affected, the first time it really affected me in a kind of a non-positive way was when I had to stop doing Taekwondo because of it. I can no longer do it anymore because it was just physically unable to do it.

So that's the first time it affected my life really, other than just being a little bit problematic. And since then, I've tried to do Jiu Jitsu. I don't know why I tried that.

Well, I do know why because I wanted to, but I couldn't do that either. I can't do anything involves bending over or kicking or anything. It's, yeah, it's just, it's unfortunate, but let's just, you know, it's just what it is.

Just what it is. I mean, this isn't a recording. This has been quite a lighthearted recording.

I know I've talked about a couple of semi-serious things, but it's still be kind of lighthearted and jovial. I do believe. Yeah, I do believe so.

So I'm, I'm very pleased that that is fine. My back is fine. I mean, I've got ginger skin, basically, and I've got Irish skin.

So I, I don't, I just, I burn, I burn in the sun. I have to be careful now because the only part of me, apart from I started wearing shorts recently, but apart from that, it's only my arms and my face that see the sun and my ears. Now I started wearing hats to cut, to shave my face and my arms are still out.

So what I'm going to do, I'm going to have to do a little bit of research to find what kind of sun cream I can use on my face and my arms. That's not going to cause blotches or spots or anything. Although I'm not sure my, yeah, I can still create spots.

So my skin is still young enough. I know when you get to a certain age, spots don't, I hardly ever get spots. It's really rare, but I don't really want to put oil into my skin and start having big, big messy spots all over me.

I look like a teenager again because I did not like how I looked when I was a teenager. When I was at school, I used to get boils on my nose. Seriously.

It's not the worst place in the world. I suppose really, it's not the worst place in the world, but for visual representation, for other people, knowing other people being around, it is. A worse place would be on your bum if you're sitting down on it because it's painful.

But regarding other people being around, it's a really bad place to have it right on my nose. Vinny has just stolen a treat. I had it on my desk right next to me and he creeped up and I was watching him with my good eye and he just really, he looked at me a couple of times and he just like really just gently reached out with his mouth to pick it up.

He's so cheeky. Right. That's it.

That's the end of this recording. So again, thank you to everyone, anyone that's still awake. Seriously.

I'm really grateful to all of you for being on this journey. I feel like I'm kind of, you're on my journey and I'm kind of on your journey in a sense, because you're part of my life because you listen and I'm part of your life because you listen. Does that make sense? Your part? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That made sense to me when I said it, I think.

So thank you everyone. I'm going to go and get myself some food. So thank you for listening.

Remember to be kind to yourself because you do deserve to be happy and be gentle with yourself. You deserve to feel safe. Lots of love.

Bye.