(10 hours) #25 Belgium - SLEEPY Boring Objects (Jason Newland) (2nd February 2022)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Boring Objects and welcome. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

Now I haven't made one of these podcasts for a little while but I thought it was about time I did. So basically, I'll just let you know there's a pigeon in the background. He's our unofficial guest.

Bless him. His name's Bob. He's been following me around for about 14 years.

Wherever I live, wherever I move to, he's there, follows me. You know, makes his little home in the whatever trees are available and keeps quiet until I make a record and then suddenly... Yep, constant, non-stop. It's brilliant, it really is.

So these Boring Objects podcasts, basically what they are is, although it's called Boring Object or Boring Objects, I talk about, you know, sometimes I'll just talk about an object such as a broomstick or a vacuum cleaner or something like that and talk about, you know, various vacuum cleaner adventures that I've had. Of course I don't, you know, they're not explicit but there's... I also talk about places and events, you know, that have happened and stuff like that.

So today I'm going to talk about Belgium, as in the city Belgium, which is in Belgium, isn't it, I suppose.

So the first time, if those who don't know where Belgium is, it's not that far away from France, it's not that far away from the Netherlands, maybe it might be classed as part of the Netherlands, I'm not 100% sure, but it was where I lived when I was about seven. There was, I lived near the docks, well there was docks where I lived. I don't mean in the garden, that's a big old garden, but you know, there was in the town, there was a docks and at the time it was one of the biggest docks in the world and in Europe as well.

So they had a ferry that used to go over to Zeebrugge, which is Belgium, and it, you know, every day we used to go over there and come back and I've actually been over there three times, three times, once on my own when I was about, I would have been 18, 18, yeah, yeah, I think I was 18 and the other two times was, one would have been when I was about seven, and another time probably when I was about nine or ten.

And so I'll talk about all three times that I went to Belgium. Now I know some people listening to this would think, well that's not a boring subject or object, there's nothing boring about Belgium, and of course you're right, there's nothing boring, but it, you know, is the most exciting place in the world, but it's not really about the actual subject itself that is the boring part of this podcast episode.

It's more about hearing about Belgium and, you know, hearing about anything that perhaps you're not interested in is boring. You know, you could be sitting in a bar and someone comes up to you and starts talking about how they used to be an astronaut, and perhaps they were the first person to step on Mars, you know, they were the first person to live on Mars, and it's like, okay, you know, to some people that would be incredibly interesting, and I would definitely find that interesting, but to some other people it's boring because it's a subject that they're not particularly interested in.

So I guess that's where I, that's the angle I'm coming from when it comes to talking about boring objects and boring subjects, is the object or the subject that I'm discussing isn't in itself necessarily boring, especially to those people that find it interesting, but to those that maybe don't find that particular subject or object interesting will more than likely find it boring.

Hearing about it, and even people that are maybe neutral, that have splinters in their bum because they're sitting on the fence, may also find it boring because they're not particularly engaged in that, in a story, or in the subject whatsoever, which means you can be bored, and your mind can slow down, and you can relax.

So, you know, you're focusing on what I'm saying, but at the same time, your mind may be closing down a bit, you know, maybe trying to make some distance between my voice and yourself, to the point where you start to just relax your body, your mind slows down, the muscles in your body relax, you may even fall asleep. So that's the point behind me making these podcasts.

Just have a drink, I've got a dry mouth today. I feel like I've been eating sand or something. Oh wait a minute, I was eating sand earlier, well it was a sandwich.

So Belgium, I went to Belgium when I was, I think about seven. I didn't travel on my own, because I was seven. So I went with, who was it? I went with the parents, and the two brothers, two older brothers, and we basically just went there for the day.

I think the idea was to get off and actually go, you know, go into Belgium. But what happened is the weather was so bad, and it was so choppy, and wavy, and you know, the sea was so sea-like, very stormy, very wet, that there was, we weren't allowed off the other end, and we just had to come back. Or I think we didn't even get to the other end.

I think it kind of got halfway there, or three quarters of the way there, and came back. Now I'm partly making that up. I'm pretty, I think it's about 73 and a half percent lies.

Not sure. But all I know is we didn't get off the boat. And my, uh, my dad's wife was ill all the way, and she was seasick.

Why did she get on the ferry? Is she seasick? You may ask. I don't know. Maybe she didn't know she was seasick.

You know, it might have been the first time that she'd been on a boat. That might be the reason. But she was very, very ill.

And I wasn't. It didn't affect me. I thought it was quite funny.

Not her being ill. But the, because I was so little, I remember walking along, which should have been just a straight line, a flat surface. I was like running up a hill.

Because the, and then suddenly I was running down the hill, two seconds later. So it was, it was a very good adventure. It was very, I enjoyed it.

And it was lovely to get away from the town. It was lovely to get away from England, because it was the first time I'd ever been abroad. If that was the first time I'd ever left the country.

So even though we didn't step foot on foreign ground, we were in, you know, we were in the foreign area, we were in their circumference or whatever. We were within their atmosphere or their gravity or whatever. I'm not, did I have a different plan? Are they, is that how it works? Do countries have their own gravity? I'm not sure.

Perhaps I should have gone to school more. But anyway, I quite enjoyed that. I quite enjoyed that experience.

And also because I was so little, I was seven, I was a very small seven year old. The boat, the ship was absolutely huge. Now it was big anyway, because you know, ships are big, aren't they? It's a ferry, it's there to ferry thousands of people across.

But with that additional size, me being the size of a, probably a large rabbit, that's probably the size I was, I was at. And everything was huge. And it was lovely.

I enjoyed it. I'm, you know, I was, I wasn't always, I wasn't always a fan of being tiny. But in this, in this instance, I felt almost like I was, I was in a big city on the sea.

Because there was restaurants, there was bars, there was, I think, maybe a cinema. I'm not, you know, I don't know. Again, I'm making all that stuff up because I can't actually remember.

And you might say, what are you talking about cinema? Oh, no, some ferries have cinemas. I've been on at least two, I've been in cinemas on at least two different ferries. One going to Ireland and one going to Belgium.

That's the latest, that's the third time that I went. So yeah, some ferries, I know cruise ships obviously would have everything that you could ever want. Apart from dry land.

But I'd like to go on a cruise. I really would. And I'm going to do it one day.

I am. A nice, I'd like to go on a long cruise, you know, a 30 day cruise. But I don't want to fly.

You could, you might, you might be thinking, well, a cruise isn't flying, is it? It's on the water. It's, you know, it's not in the air. I know that.

I've been on a boat. I know what a boat is. I know that boats don't fly.

But some of the cruises that you go on, on your book, you have to fly to the destination. Or some cruises, they'll spend a week and they'll leave from Liverpool, which is a town in England. So go from Liverpool, then maybe go to the Isle of Man or go to Ireland because Liverpool to Ireland is a, there's a ferry system there, a ferry service.

But then it might go to France, then it might go to, you know, Spain and Italy and Germany and Deutschland, you know, and other places. And then at the end of the week, you fly back to London or to Liverpool or, you know, wherever. I don't know if Liverpool have planes, but, you know, you fly back to England.

To an airport, that's usually where they go. And I want to come back on the boat. I want to, I want to be on the ferry or the cruise ship and come back on the cruise ship.

I don't want to be on a boat and then, because I don't like flying. It's not really something that I would want to do or choose to do. And to me, it's, yeah, I wouldn't really enjoy that.

Now, I have been on a plane and one day I may talk about having been on a plane. If I've been on more than one plane, I've been on, I've been on four planes. I went to Spain for the afternoon back in 1989.

So that's two planes, one there and one for the return journey, because there was no other way of getting home. Although, realistically, there's, I could have just got a train to France, to Calais, which is a part of France where they have the, the ferries then travel from Calais, because Calais is near the water. And then it comes to Dover from Calais, which is also England.

But I didn't do that. I just came back in the afternoon. So it was a pretty much, I think I was in Spain for about three hours.

And I went to Bulgaria in 2000 and through the, I think it was 2002 actually, went to Bulgaria. And that's for about a week. So that was two, two flights, one there.

And at the end of the holiday, yeah, but I came, came back on a, on a, on a plane coming back at the end of the holiday. Not during, but at the end. And I didn't really, I didn't really enjoy flying.

It's not really my thing, I guess. But ferries, for some reason, and the weird thing about it, well, it's not weird, but because I can't, I can't swim, but I can't fly either. But, you know, you've got a bit more chance in an emergency of being able to swim.

I mean, you've got no chance in a real plane, because, you know, so I, unless you can fly, I mean, not everyone can fly, can they? Only superheroes generally, and not even all superheroes can fly. So although Spider-Man these days seems to have some kind of weird adjustment, attachment to his suit that allows him to almost fly, which was very different from the original cartoons that I used to watch when I was a small child.

So ferries, I'd like to go on a ferry, like a proper cruise ship.

That would be really nice. I'd like that a lot. So I'm hoping, you know, I intend to do that one day.

If all being well, it'd be lovely to just, just go, you know, go to nice places. But I want to come back on that cruise ship, or another cruise ship, but at least come back. I don't want to be having to fly there or fly back.

That's just a personal need of myself. So I don't remember much else about the first ferry to Belgium. I just, I guess, the thing I remember most is it was big, and I loved it.

I enjoyed it. And it was very, very, very choppy, very windy, and very wavy. The waves were coming over and splashing on the deck and, you know, the wind was nearly blowing me into the sea.

And eventually, my dad let go of the door and he let me in. He was laughing, of course, but, you know, I thought, well, you know, just touch and go there for a while. I had to change my underpants.

So it was, it was a good experience. It was fun. But not for my dad's wife.

That was, wasn't nice for her. And it kind of, it ruined the trip for the family, really. I mean, I wasn't that bothered because I was focusing on myself, really.

And but yeah, it did kind of ruin it because we weren't able to do anything. Actually, what I think happened is she was too ill to get off the boat. So we just waited for the next boat.

And I think it was the same boat going back. So she just stayed on that boat. Yeah, I think that that would probably make sense what happened.

So we probably did go there. We probably did arrive. But we didn't leave the boat because she was so ill.

And then when we were about, when I was about nine or 10, we went back. We did it again. I think by this time, my parents were going through a few problems.

So maybe my dad was just, my dad didn't care about her being ill. Or she just had a really bad memory. I don't know.

But we did it again. And she was ill again. So I don't know why we did it again.

But I had fun. And again, we didn't get off the ferry. It was like just a reenactment of the first time.

Except I was a little bit bigger. Or the ferry was a little bit smaller. One of them.

I don't recall really what happened after that. You know, once we got on, I think it was just the standard, you know, you get on and then the thing that I love, and I've been on a few ferries over the years, is that moment that we leave the country. That moment and just, I like to stand on the back of the ship and just wave goodbye to England.

And although it's only for a short period, whether it's for a week or just for the day, what I noticed is, as I left the country, all the stress left my body. All the stress left my body. And I noticed that I didn't notice it when I was a child.

But I wasn't allowed to stand at the back of the ship on my own. You know, I was indoors and stuff. The first time I noticed that, I would say is possibly probably when I went to France.

So in 1989, later on in the year, I went to France. And so we got a ferry from Dover to Calais. And then me and my friend, we hitchhiked around France and basically around the south of France and in the mountains.

And I went brown for the first time in my life. The only time I actually, you know, I didn't sunburn. Always sunburn.

You know, I can't go in the sun, I go red. I got pretty much a pink face anyway, so I go red in the winter. Sometimes, you know, if I'm not careful, if I open the freezer too quickly, I actually get sunburn.

So I have to be careful. But that summer, and we were there for about 10 days, something like that. It might be less, but I went brown.

No sunburn. It's very strange. But I remember there is the Madonna song, Like a Prayer was being played on a video at Dover.

As we were waiting for the ferry. And I remember just sitting or standing on the back of the ferry, watching the bubbles from the engine moving away. You know, the ship, not the bubbles.

The ship was, and me, of course, I was on there. It'd be weird if it moved and I didn't. Now, that would be scary.

And we're moving away from Dover, from England. And as I said, all the stress left my body and my mind. I felt so relaxed.

I felt so calm. And so relieved to be leaving. And I suppose part of that was just all of the waiting around that I'd been doing.

And I think we slept at the ferry terminal, because we got there quite late. So we had to wait until the next morning. So we, you know, we didn't really get a good night's sleep.

But that feeling, and it wasn't the only time, every time as an adult, after that, when the boat left England, I would stand at the back of the ferry and just watch as we left. And I always had that feeling. You know, when I went to Ireland, I think it was Wales we went from.

And it felt so relaxing. When I went to Amsterdam, it was from Harwich. Again, just travelling across and leaving Harwich.

It felt so relaxing. The stress left my body. It was amazing.

I didn't, I don't think I had that feeling when we went, when I went to the Isle of Man, because we travelled overnight. And we'd been travelling all the way up to Liverpool from, since the early morning. I think my dad picked me up at eight o'clock.

This is in 2004. So my dad, I was there. My nan was in the back with me.

My dad was driving the car and his wife was looking out the window. And we just, you know, it was quite early. But when we got there, I mean, the thing is, this is another weird thing, the wind, we stopped off.

And what was, we were half, I think we were about an hour, half an hour into the journey. So we're on the motorway. And my dad's, well my auntie, his sister, we were visiting her in the Isle of Man.

That was the trip. And we were going to be over there for probably five days, six days. And then, you know, so we're getting a ferry over there and then coming back, you know, in about five days time.

So we were going to Liverpool, I'm pretty sure that's where, to get to the Isle of Man. Well, about half an hour into the journey, maybe 42 minutes, the phone rings. So my dad's wife answers the phone.

And it's my, my auntie, my dad's sister, saying that the weather's so bad, it's so windy, like torrential wind, gale force and all that stuff. Not quite a hurricane, but you know, not far off. The, the ferry had been cancelled.

The ferry that we were catching had been cancelled. Because we were catching, I think it was about four o'clock ferry, or two o'clock ferry, something like that. It was in the afternoon, and we would have got there, you know, in the evening.

So it's something like that. So we're leaving early to get there for about two o'clock. That's my memory of it, it might be wrong.

Well anyway, my dad refused to drive back. You know, I've started, started the journey, we're going to continue. So we did, and it was the windiest day in the history of windy, it wasn't, it was quite windy though.

And because we, the ferry had been cancelled. The plan was, hopefully the wind will die down enough for us to get the, the overnight crossing, which wasn't the original plan. But you know, that's what we're going to do.

That's the, is what we ended up doing. So we had a bit of time to play with. So we went to Blackpool, which isn't that far from Liverpool.

It's, it's why it was one of the most famous seaside resorts in the country. Very, very famous. It was almost like our Las Vegas, in a way, you know, there's theatres and casinos and it was very popular with people of all ages.

They've still got the theatres and stuff, but it's just not, I think what it is, or what it was, is, you know, quite a few years back, it became cheaper to go abroad than it was to stay in our own country. So going to Spain or France for a package holiday was cheaper than to go to Blackpool or Yarmouth or, you know, and it was, so people started doing that because it was exotic.

I'm a bit exotic, I think.

Maybe not. So yeah, so we did, that's what we ended up doing. But when we went to Blackpool, it was the windiest wind of windy days.

It was really, really windy. And I, you know, for quite some years, I quite liked the idea of visiting Blackpool, because I'd heard of it and I've heard of the history and the importance of Blackpool, especially from a, like, stand-up comedy entertainment perspective. So I had an interest in one day visiting almost the capital of cabaret, which I guess it would be called, in this country, you know, in the old days.

It was the capital of cabaret. It was the the biggest place. It was the place that everyone wanted to work, from the working comedians to television comedians, you know, people that were very famous would all sort of all flock to Blackpool to perform.

You might be thinking, well, what's this got to do with Belgium? Well, it hasn't. It's got more to do with me forgetting what I'm talking about and getting sidetracked and focusing on things that aren't relevant to the actual subject that I had chosen. But it's okay.

It's all gonna work out fine. So the third, the third trip to Belgium was the most interesting one, because this time we got off the ferry. But I didn't go with parents this time.

I was an adult. I was 18. And what it was is there's a few of us at work, and they all decided to go to Belgium.

Should we go to Belgium? They said. I thought, yeah, why not? So we did. It was cheap.

It cost maybe 20 quid or 15 pound, maybe less just to go over there and back. So we went there in the morning, early in the morning, got there in the afternoon. Because the overnight ferry is slower.

The day ferry is a lot quicker. The overnight one can last, you know, seven, eight hours, maybe longer sometimes. But the day one, you can normally do in about four or five hours.

So we all met up. And there was, I think there was five of us. I don't 100% remember.

I only remember two of the people. But I think there was five of us that went. And so we just got on there.

And it was either a Saturday or a Sunday. I think it was a Sunday, because quite often we'd work on a Saturday morning. So I think it was a Sunday.

So we went over, you know, got the morning, went there. And we arrived in the afternoon. And I'm pretty sure not much happened on the way there.

But on the way back, there was a weird, almost like a riot went off for some reason, a lot of drinking and stuff. But going there, it was pretty fairly quiet. So we got off the ferry, didn't really know where we were going.

But we wanted to explore. And, you know, over the years, a lot of people have gone to Belgium, just to get duty free alcohol and cigarettes. And that'd be the first thing they did.

And sometimes they just wait and get the next ferry back, because that's the only reason they went. But we didn't do that. I had no interest in getting alcohol.

I didn't even drink alcohol, really, at that time. So that that wasn't really of interest to me. So we, we just walked, walked from the ferry, walked into Zeebrugge.

And the weird thing about it is you can keep walking. Because sometimes it doesn't even feel like you're walking because it's so flat. You know, I know it's not true.

But sometimes it feels like you just stand there and you just move along. But of course you wouldn't. But it's almost like the spinning earth would just move you along a little bit.

Or if it was windy, and you were holding a bedsheet out, and perhaps you stood on a skateboard, you could travel for miles probably. I don't know how they managed to get it so flat. I mean, that's why these flat earthers, you know, people say that the world isn't round, it's flat.

I'd understand that if those people lived in Belgium. Because you wouldn't be able to argue like, well, I live in Belgium. Okay, well, the world is flat to you.

I always say the world isn't flat, and it's not round either. It's bumpy. It's bumpy.

All the mountains, all the crevices, the volcanoes, the, you know, it's not, it's not round. You wouldn't use that as a tennis ball, would you? Or cricket ball or football, or baseball ball? No, it's not round. You'd say this isn't round.

This is lumpy and bumpy. Yeah. So we get off and didn't really know what to look for, what to do, because never been there before.

And I was a bit hungry. And I think a couple of the lads that I was with were a bit hungry. So looking for somewhere to eat.

And we came across a diner. It was a little bit like an American diner, but it was in Belgium. And we sat down, and it was nice in there.

And luckily, the the lady that worked there spoke English. We didn't realise she, whether or not she could speak English. So we were trying to communicate.

In the end, she said, please stop shouting. Because, you know, that's how English people communicate in foreign languages, is we just shout in English. And but she said, please stop shouting, otherwise you will be removed.

So we did. Well, I didn't shout. I would never do that.

Because I'm perfect. And they get we ordered burgers, and probably milkshakes. But the burgers were rare.

They weren't cooked properly. So that wasn't great. And then we walk in and one of the one of the boys I was with, I didn't realise that he was walking with us.

So me and the other three was walking down. We're not walking down walking across the flat surface. And there is no down or up.

And suddenly we heard him shouting. So so turn around, make sure he's okay. I didn't turn around because I didn't care.

But eventually I turned around because well, I wanted to see what the others were looking at, really. And he was and he was running towards us and is so excited. And I thought, why is he so excited? And he told us, I remember saying to him, why are you so excited? And he said, this, this, this, this is a woman.

So okay. He must have seen a woman before. This is a woman.

Okay, you said that there's a woman. Okay, yeah, you said that. What is it you're trying to say? She's in a window.

There's a woman in a window. What is that about? What do you mean? There's a woman in a window. There's a woman sitting on a chair in a dressing gown behind a window.

I was like, what? So we thought, okay, got to check this out, because that seemed like a very, very unusual situation. A woman sitting behind a window. And I drifted off then I started thinking about, I don't know what I was thinking about.

I think I fell asleep. Oh, yeah. So we went back.

And there was actually a woman sitting on a chair or stool, wearing a dressing gown and a negligee or something underneath, looking at us and waving. When she was doing something with her hand, it was hard to tell if she was waving or telling us to go away. And it was hilarious.

And I remember standing there, we were all laughing. And I don't think she liked that. The thing is, we weren't laughing at her.

We were just laughing at first of all, our other friend for how excited he was. But also just laughing at the idea of being stuck in one of those things all day. You know, being stuck behind a window.

And I don't think any of us understood why she was there. I know I didn't. I still don't.

What was she selling? She didn't have anything there with her. She didn't have any of her goods that she'd be selling. Was she selling saucepans or candles? She did have something in the background that looked like a candle.

I never know. So what's the next thing? Oh, yeah. Well, that was pretty much it as far as being in Belgium, like on the ground.

Feet on the ground. That was the two things. There wasn't a lot of time between us getting off the ferry and then having to get back on because we needed to be home.

I think we got home by about 11 in the evening. So the ferry probably left about four thirty five in the afternoon. Or six o'clock or something.

But what weird, what happened that was weird is on the way back, the ferry was really busy. And there was a lot of people that were getting drunk and there was some lads that were trying to cause trouble, trying to like pick fights and stuff, which is a bit weird. And in the end, we went into the cinema.

And it all kicked off. Everyone started. It was like a riot, chucking things at each other and, you know, chairs at each other and popcorn.

And the police were all waiting when we arrived at the docks to arrest people. It was very strange. I didn't get involved in any of that, but it was weird.

It didn't put me off getting onto a ferry because that kind of stuff, I guess, isn't going to happen regularly. But it was, I quite enjoyed, you know, overall the experience of going to Belgium, even though it's just for a short while, it was clean. There was only about 14 people that lived there at the time.

Yeah, it was nice. Very nice. But I've never, never been back.

You know, I've been to Ireland on a ferry. I've been to France on a ferry. I've been to Amsterdam on a ferry.

And I've been to the Isle of Man on a ferry. I've not been back to Belgium on a ferry. Yeah, I think I'd quite like to go back again one day.

See if that lady's still sitting in the window. I imagine she'd just be a skeleton now. Just be dust.

So that'd be nice. So that's it really. That's my story of going to Belgium.

My story of Belgium. My boring object. So thank you for listening.

Remember to be kind to yourself, because you deserve to be happy. Be gentle with yourself. Lots of love.

Bye.