(10 hours) #17 PENNY AND THE FARTY EYE - Jasons Bed Time Story Time

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Jason's Bedtime Storytime. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. This is going to be a nice bedtime story for you to fall asleep to.

So this is... I think I've heard background sounds there. Maybe it's Giant from the Beanstalk or maybe it's a troll under a bridge somewhere. It sounds like a bee inside a duck's tummy.

Anyway, I don't know what that was about. So this story is going to be... I'm not sure what I'm going to call it yet but it's about a lady and she lived in a very nice house. But she was like the third child out of three girls.

And she, you know, basically what happened is three girls were born by her parents. Her mum and dad gave birth. They took turns and then her mother disappeared one day.

She she got struck by lightning or something like that. I don't know. I've not really thought about that.

It's not really part of the story. I don't care really. But anyway, her dad remarried and the woman that he married for some reason didn't get on.

And so she ended up with the youngest. Got on quite well with the first two, the eldest two. But I think part of that was because they were so much older.

So that's maybe it. So the third girl she was born about 12 years old. So there's a big age gap.

So I suppose I should tell you the names of the people. Trying to think of some names. I didn't want to think I was making it up so I went along.

So the youngest lady, the youngest girl was called Penelope or Penny. Penny for short. And the other two girls, there is a two sisters.

Let's just call them the two sisters. Do we need them to have names? Is it important? Grace and Felicity. I mean, does it matter? It's not about them.

It's about Penny. And Penny, basically, her dad, her dad, unfortunately passed away as well. So she was left being looked after by her stepmum.

The stepmother. And she wasn't really treated very well. Not like really badly, but just she was just treated like a housemaid.

And oh, sounds like Cinderella. Yeah, I suppose. Kind of similar, similar thing.

But the weird thing about it is because she had to keep looking after the house. But the house was actually made of gingerbread. Which meant that everyone kept eating it.

People used to travel from all around just to stop and eat it. In fact, it was the first it was it was the first kind of petrol stop in the world. You know, when people are traveling and they stop and they go to the services and they get something to eat and go to the toilet.

Well, that was the same thing. That was the first ever one. But it was all, you know, should we stop at the gingerbread house? And some people just call it the ginger house.

And some people just say, should we just stop at the stops? Because it was the only one. I mean, no one ever said, oh, should we stop at the first ever? You know, place. Andre, will you shut up? Are you squeaking? I'm trying to be recording it.

Anyway. So she was, you know, she's constantly having to rebuild the walls of the cottage that they lived in. It used to be a mansion, but eventually, you know, it got eaten down to be in a cottage.

Much easier to maintain. So. The problem was then you get a lot of people wanting to cottage and that's where cottaging comes from.

You have a lot of people just turn up and hang around waiting to meet a new, interesting people to share experiences with. So I got, that's where cottaging comes from. So it was a ginger, it was a meet you at the gingerbread cottage.

One person once said, you know what? You know what would be really good? And I forget her name now, Penny. Penny said, what's that? What's that? What would be good? And someone who was cottage in there, some a man in a rain raincoat. He said, what would be good is if you had as well as the, you know, the gingerbread walls, the gingerbread roof and the gingerbread urinals, you know, because obviously it's a cottage.

Had to need urinals to cottage and to go to toilet and stuff. And what about if you had a gingerbread man standing outside? And Penny said, is that, is it really because of the gingerbread or is it because there's no men here for you to meet? And this is your, you've been looking forward to cottaging all week and there's no one here. And he said, no, you got me.

I just, I thought it'd be really lovely. It's just, no, not ginger, gingerbread man. And she thought about it.

I mean, she was baking all the time, making the gingerbread for the walls, keep changing the chimney, the toilets. Well, they weren't eaten in the urinals, weren't eaten by the walls and stuff, but they definitely got, uh, they needed replacing quite often. That's all I'm saying.

And the toilets, I don't even want to just, there's only so you can only go so long pretending it's chocolate. It's gingerbread with chocolate on it. No, it's not.

It's a toilet. Gingerbread toilet. So she thought, okay, I'll make, I'll make a gingerbread man.

And she did that. So that's where the gingerbread men come from. I don't know if she originated having, because sometimes you can have Smarties as eyes, but apparently the, the person who wanted the gingerbread man made said, well, don't worry.

You don't have to fill those holes in. That's fine. Just leave, leave the holes there.

And then he carried off the gingerbread man into the urinals and to the toilets, which is weird. I don't know why, but there's a very friendly area. Everyone got on with each other and it was very lovely.

And the only problem really was the giants because Penny often used to climb up the beanstalk and meets her friend, Goldie Balls. And unfortunately, because her friend lived at the top of the beanstalk, which meant she had to climb through. And in the middle of the beanstalk was where the giant lived.

So she had to kind of avoid the giant. He was, he was a bit of a handful to say the least, you know, he didn't just like eating people, you know, he's, he's very, very wrong on many levels. Well, on the middle level of the middle level of the clouds in the middle.

So she used to visit a friend, um, Goldie Balls and they used to play and stuff. And sometimes they'd meet up with baby bear as well. And that was fun also because they used to go along and what they used to do, one of their favorite things was they'd creep into the house when the daddy bear was upstairs cleaning his teeth, you know, get ready for breakfast.

And his mummy, mummy bear was upstairs making the bed for some reason. And because bears for sleeping in a bed. So what they do, baby bear and Goldie Balls and Penny would put out the porridge and just start messing around with it and slopping it everywhere.

Pouring some of it on the chair, some of it on the table. And they do that sometimes. And it really used to wind up baby bear's parents.

Probably used to go, who's been eating my porridge? Who's been eating my porridge? And that was it. That's, that's, that's the whole story for that one. Um, I'll update you if anything else happens, but that's kind of all that happens there.

Sometimes they just said, oh, not again. Not again. This is getting silly.

Bit like this story really. This is going nowhere. Nowhere at all.

Well, it had a beginning, didn't it? You know, where the middle is or where the end is, but you know, let's just see what happens. And they used to enjoy going and playing around with the bears. And while they were looking at them at the porridge and getting all upset about the porridge, they'd sneak upstairs and start messing with the beds.

And for some reason, daddy bear and mummy bear had different beds. So the thing is, I think because it was a very different time back then. And they couldn't, you know, there were certain things they couldn't do that other people were allowed to do.

And which meant they couldn't, they couldn't just like leave each other. They had to stay together really for the sake of the baby. Plus, where would they go? Because mummy bear used to be married to the giant.

But apparently it was a painful relationship. And Penny asked one day, why was it painful? And she said, he's a giant. He's a giant.

Look at the size of me. He's a giant. Figure it out, darling.

Penny blushed. She said, Oh, and then she farted and I left I popped out. And she said, Oh, sorry about that.

And she popped her eye back in. Because Penny had a glass eye. Apparently, a glass eye that used to pop out whenever she farted.

So like, oh, bop, it literally would be like that. And it would just be like a mutual kind of hard to do for myself, like, because I don't have a glass eye. And of course, I've never farted.

So I wouldn't know how to do such things. But she did. She was a gassy, massy.

She was. She was just, she was basically a walking cesspit. So but you know, she was nice.

Hope I'm painting a good picture. And she only had 15 warts on her face. She was nice.

For those times, she was doing pretty good. And having a huge wart was a sign of vitality. It was it was, you know, when people like maybe not my generation, or like the older generations used to look at people's palms and say, Oh, I see your lifeline.

I could tell by looking at your palm, how long you're going to live and how much prosperity you're going to have. No, you can't go away. So you know, those kind of conversations.

But it was a similar thing. But the more warts you had on your face, the luckier you were in life, apparently, or the luckier you were going to be. It was almost a fortuitous sign.

Fortuitous sign. So Penny, with a 700 warts and glass eye that popped out every time she fired. The problem is that when she fired a right leg fell off.

So that's kind of because it wasn't so much the fart that made a left leg fall off the right leg fall off rather. And a left leg that'd be silly, wouldn't it? Her right leg. It was whenever her left eye popped out when she farted.

It unbalanced her. So she kind of went off balance and her right leg just popped off. Because she had, she didn't have a wooden leg.

Couldn't afford a wooden leg. So it's made of gingerbread. So she was lucky if she, when she's walking through the forest, she was lucky if she could get home in one piece, literally.

Because all the rabbits and the squirrels. Oh, it's peg leg. Come on.

It's Penny. And so it was sort of, she used to like it to start with because a bit of attention. It's warty.

It's ginger warty. Come on. And she'd be eating her leg as she's trying to get home.

It's like, come on, come on guys. That's my leg that is. I've got to get home.

Come on. Stop messing about. Please leave me alone.

But they didn't. They loved her. They loved her very much.

And some of the male rabbits and squirrels used to actually see them. Cottaging. Sometimes you see them at the cottage, the gingerbread cottage.

And she's a very brave lady. Very brave little girl, really. She was a really little girl.

She was 52. But her, I didn't mention that. Yeah, she was 52.

And her sisters were in her 60s. The middle 60s. One was 68 and one was 65, I think.

But her step mum was only 18. So there was a lot of clash of, a clash of almost, I don't know, you know, sort of didn't really get on, didn't really, really understand each other's cultures. It's very different, very different kind of, you know.

So, you know, what's the name? Penny. Penny was very much into probably like classical music. Frank Sinatra.

And her step mum was into raving. And that kind of stuff. Gangster, gangster music.

Yeah, really into that. I mean, she liked nothing better than to go out on a Saturday night, do a little shoot, shoot by, you know, drive by shooting. And it's just very, very full of energy, very full of energy for a grand, well, stepmother.

She did quite well, really, considering she was 18. And she was looking after pensioners, really. And she was only married to the father of the children for about 10 years.

But those were the times then, you know, it's different back then. Unlike now, back then, people were a bit dim, a bit, a bit backward, really, in the sense of, okay, you know, the argument is quite often. Well, that's how it was back then.

But it wasn't nice then either, though, was it? But that's how we were. That's how things were. But why didn't you question it? Didn't question it, we didn't know any different.

So you had no ability to think for yourselves? Think for ourselves? What's that then? What's thinking? What does that mean? So Penny, you know, was a little bit in the dark ages a little bit, to be honest. She didn't really understand today's world as much as her stepmother. Now, her stepmother, for some reason, decided that she wanted to learn to breakdance.

So she asked Penny. And Penny said, you know, Penny, Penny thought, well, this is an opportunity to get on the good side of my stepmum. And maybe build a friendship, possibly, you know, build some kind of a, I don't know, relationship, so that things could be a little bit easier.

To live in conditions and stuff. So she said, okay, okay, stepmum, we can, we can have a, I'll teach, you know, I'll teach you to breakdance. And stepmother was, she smiled for the first time.

And it literally was the first time she'd ever seen her stepmother's tooth. I thought, oh, that was nice. And she had, her stepmum said, what? She said, that was nice.

She said, what? And she remembered that her stepmum doesn't have any ears. She could hear, but she didn't have any ears. She just had a whole, a little, it was more like a little nipple on either side of her head.

That would open up every now and then, because she also breathed through them as well. Didn't have a mouth. And she had gills.

She actually lived at a pond. And I remember she said, well, that's lovely, but how am I going to teach you? How am I going to, how am I going to teach you to breakdance if, while you're in a pond? And her stepmum said, Her stepmum said, because she was telepathic, you see, so she could telepathically talk to Penny, and Penny didn't, Penny didn't realise it was telepathy.

She just thought she was, perhaps, because she could see that her lips weren't moving.

So she thought that maybe in a previous life, her stepmum used to be a ventriloquist. That's, she just assumed that, which is natural. You may think, well, how does she have lips if she has no mouth? And that's a question that's been, it's really been wracking the brains of historians for many, many, many, many minutes.

But no one's come up with a solution. No one's come up with, I don't really know why. But as, as Penny's older sister once said, during a discussion, it was like a number of an argument really between Penny and her older sister, Gwinella, the giant kisser, that was her nickname.

And they, she said, if I can remember, why, what, you know, why and all that. And her sister said, it's not about why. The most important question is, when are you going to finish building the fireplace? Because it's cold.

Now get back into the kitchen and make, make more gingerbread, so we can have the fireplace rebuilt. And Cinderella, I mean, Penny said, yeah, but if you want to keep eating it for then, would you keep eating it for then? And Gwinella, Bella, Ella, Ella said, I didn't eat it. It was burnt.

So the weird thing is, sometimes they get into arguments. Once they got into argument, because Penny overcooked the gingerbread, accidentally, and put it in the fireplace, you know, made the fireplace out of the accidentally overburnt gingerbread. And her sister started getting angry at her, saying, what are you doing? And Penny tried to explain, it doesn't matter, there's going to be a fire there in a minute.

It's going to burn anyway. But that's not the point. It doesn't look nice now.

And how am I supposed to eat it? He said, you didn't eat it. Oh, damn. And then for some reason, she grew wings and flew away.

So she hasn't seen her older sister for quite some time. Apparently, she met up with a bat somewhere and they had a few babies and it got into publishing. Family business.

It was either that or a kebab shop. They weren't sure which way to go. Her stepmum wanted to learn to breakdance, so she did.

Taught her to breakdance. This is before she had the wooden leg. So basically, what happened is, while she was teaching her stepmum to breakdance, her stepmum didn't tell her that she had some of her relatives there visiting.

Which you could say, well, it doesn't matter. She was just teaching her to breakdance. But her stepmum's relatives were piranha fish.

So they ended up eating her leg. One of her eyes. So, you know, it changed her life a little bit.

You could say. So that kind of, it didn't work out quite so well because they were getting on really quite nicely. For the first few lessons of breakdancing, her stepmum stopped chucking rice at her.

Which was nice, not to have rice chucked in your face. And after a while, she said, I'm really pleased that you stopped chucking rice at me. I was wondering now that we've done four lessons, perhaps you could stop chucking monkey poo at me as well.

And her stepmum started laughing. She said, it's not monkey poo. It's giraffe poo.

Okay, cool. That would explain it. It definitely seemed to have quite a long neck to it.

Which makes no sense. But then none of it really does. And then out of nowhere, her stepmum turned into a big white swan.

Wow, I didn't see that happening. I didn't see that coming. And she said, well, you did see it happen, didn't you? She said, yes, it's an expression.

She didn't expect it to happen. And her stepmum said, nobody expects things like this. And Penny, Penny decided to cook her stepmum in the oven.

So she did. And had a really nice dinner. Her and one sister that was left, because of course the other one flew off.

And they decided to invite the gingerbread man into the house for the first time. Because normally lived, lived in a cage outside. And she didn't realize that the gingerbread man had such a wonderful smile.

Didn't didn't realize that. And they, it also made her laugh. And every time she laughed, it made her fart.

Every time she farted, her left eye popped out. And then her right leg fell off, which made him laugh, which then made her laugh even more, which made her fart even more. Eventually her head exploded.

Yeah, it's very messy. And that was it really. And then the gingerbread man married her sister.

And they had babies. And everything was going well. Until one day they fell into a big cup of tea.

And that was the end of the family. Which is the end of this story. So, I hope you've, it's helped you to drift off to sleep.

And you know, I might do another story another time. So, take care of yourselves. Have a nice sleep.

Remember to be kind to yourself, because you deserve to be happy. Now go to sleep.