#21 THE WOLF AND THE 7 SMELLY CHILDREN - Jasons Bed Time Story Time

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Jason's Bedtime Story Time. Please only listen and you can safely close your eyes. And today's story is the wolf and the seven little kiddie wolves.

Okay, so this is a vintage fairy tale and because of that they are a little bit grisly sometimes, a little bit violent, a little bit not really for kids really, if you know what I mean. But hey, I was brought up on them and it didn't affect me. I spent half my life in prison but other than that it didn't affect me.

So yeah, so here we go, here's the story and enjoy. It's not a very long story, not a like really long one, but uh you know sizes and everything. Okay, so here we go.

There was once a time, once upon a time, oh once upon a time. I wonder if all stories started like that back in those days, like a letter. Once upon a time, how are you doing? I'm fine, having a great time in Skegness.

Wish you were here. Maybe all letters, postcards, everything all started with once upon a time, I don't know. Anyway, there was once upon a time an old goat and he had seven children.

Seven little children, all the same age, all the same age. Two boys, three girls and the rest were other mixtures and she loved them with every single bit of love that any mother could ever have for her children. She really loved them a lot.

Anyway, one day she wanted to go into the forest because there's a lot of activities in forests and fairy tales. Forest is a very, very popular place to be. In fact, I imagine it'd be a very busy place.

You'd need traffic lights in a forest back then because there was so much traffic. But anyway, so she wanted to go there and she wanted us to fetch some food. I mean blimey, seven kids, that's a lot of food isn't it? So it doesn't say how old they were but I guess child age, I imagine.

So she wanted to go into the forest. She needed to get some food. I guess she needed to get there before the supermarket closed.

So she called all seven of her children to her and said, Dear children, I have to go into the forest. Please be on guard against the big, smelly, vicious wolf. If he comes in, he will devour you all.

Skin, hair, willies and everything. The wretch often disguises himself but you'll know him at once by his rough voice and his black feet. Wow, quite specific.

Do all wolves have black feet? I don't know. I've seen white wolves. Do they have black feet as well? I imagine they have white feet don't they? The thing is, wolves are really beautiful animals aren't they? Probably not so beautiful when they're eating your children but you know, when you've been eaten alive by one, perhaps you're not thinking, oh you're so pretty.

You know, generally, aesthetically, they're quite lovely to look at from a distance through a television. And the kids said, Dear mother, we will take good care of ourselves. You may go away without any anxiety whatsoever.

We will definitely look out for that big, bad, smelly, ugly wolf that you mentioned in your last sentence. They all said it at the same time, all seven of them. All seven at the same time said exactly the same words.

What's the chances eh? What's the chances? So then the old one bleated and went on her way with an easy mind. So the mother felt, I guess, quite calm and relaxed knowing that the seven of her children are very, very wary of the potential, potential dangers that may arise if a wolf was to suddenly appear. I don't know whether he will or not because I haven't read the rest of the story.

But I'm guessing, because he's been mentioned, I'm assuming it's a boy wolf, it might be a girl. I mean, girls have to eat as well, don't they? So it might be a girl wolf. I don't know.

And so anyway, time went by, the old mother, she went out to the shop. She had a little basket, a little shopping basket that had wheels on. And sometimes she'd swing it in the air and let it land back on the ground again.

And it was made of very light wicker, very light wicker kind of wood, wood wicker. Is wicker wood? Wicker is more, it is wood, but it's more like wood that's pliable that you can make into stuff. It's more like, I don't know, streaky wood kind of.

Anyway, so she used to enjoy that. Sometimes she'd use the same baskets to deliver newspapers at the weekend and Chinese restaurant takeaway menus just to earn a little bit extra cash, you know. Anyway, so she was off skipping towards the supermarket in the forest, the forest supermarket.

And I think she had to stop and go to the toilet on the way in some bushes because she had diarrhoea. And it's not really relevant, but it might give you a more of an idea of why she was away for so long, which allowed, you know, other things to occur. I mean, she was away far too long.

I imagine her diarrhoea must have been really bad. I hope she washed her hands when she was, you know, preparing the food for her kids. But again, that's not really relevant to the story.

And anyway, so it was not long before, after the mummy had gone, before someone knocked at the house door, as opposed to the chimney door, or the refrigerator door, or the car door. I don't just say knocked at the door, knocked at the house. Anyway, and called, Open the door, dear children.

Your mother is here and has brought something back with her for each of you. But the little kids knew that it was the wolf by the rough voice. We will not open the door, cried they, in unison again.

It's almost like they can read each other's minds. You are not our mother. She has a soft, pleasant voice, but your voice is rough.

You are a wolf. Oh, yes, you are. Oh, yes, you are.

Oh, no, I'm not. Oh, yes, you are. Oh, no, I'm not.

You are. No, I'm not. No, you're not.

Yes, I am. Oh, we caught you. We caught you.

We caught you. So then the wolf went away to the shopkeeper. Because now there's a shop, a local shop.

So why didn't the mother go to the local shop? Why wasn't she there? Why did she go all the way into the forest with her diarrhoea? I mean, anyone who's had diarrhoea, you know, you don't travel. Diarrhoea doesn't travel well. You know, you need to keep within distance of a toilet.

You don't like, you don't make plans for a long journey when you've got diarrhoea, unless you've got some kind of plug. So, or you carry a bucket around with you, that would just be grim. So, so basically, the wolf went to a shopkeeper, he went to a shop, a local shop.

And he bought himself. Would you reckon he bought ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls? What do you think he bought? Well, he could have bought himself something to eat if he was hungry. That would be a logical thing, wouldn't it? Hey, that would be a wouldn't But no, he bought himself a great lump of chalk.

Why did he do that? Because after eating this, it made his voice soft. Eating chalk makes your voice sound soft. Now please don't try this at home.

I think it's a lie. Eating chalk, making a voice. So he went back to the door anyway.

So he had this chalk. Yeah, ate it, went back. In fact, if anything, that's where the mother should have gone to have some chalk, because that would have like helped bind her up a little bit with a diarrhoea.

This chalk, you know, it's quite a good thing. Anyway, the wolf went back, knocked on the door. And he opened the door.

Dear children, your mother is here and has brought something back with her for each of you. So he obviously did change her voice. But I think in reality, it would be I need some water.

But it apparently did. It did really actually help her voice or the, well I don't know if it's her or boy or girl, we don't know, do we? But the wolf so said, you know, let me in. It's your mama.

So the wolf felt pretty good about himself. Like, wow, I have fooled these little children. I have fooled them.

And what's that smell of diarrhoea? I have fooled the little children. And he felt quite good about himself. So he got a bit lazy, a little bit lazy, a little bit scatty, not quite on the ball.

And he laid his big black paws against the window. And the children inside the house, they saw his big wolfy claws and cried. We will not open the door.

Our mother is not big, black, smelly, dirty, horrible, piggy feet like yours. You're a wolf. You're a bloody big, smelly, bastard wolf.

We are not gonna let you in. Now only six of them said at the same time. The seventh one, because it's only me talking, but the seventh one completely lost it.

And he was saying, you're a sheep, you're a sheep. He completely off killed her. But he was special.

It was a special little boy. And he spent most of his time playing with a cardboard box. Anyway, so the wolf and ran back into the shopping center, where there's a baker.

So there's a bakery there. So there's a hardware store, there's a shop, there's a bakery, yet their mother is walking into the forest with diarrhea. That's really strange.

Why didn't she just go to the local shops? I know someone like that. I'm going to local shops because the supermarket, which is 10 miles away, I can get things for it's 30 pence cheaper there. Yeah, but you just spent two hours of your life.

How much is time worth to you? 30 pence. Okay, so he went off to the bakers. And this is weird, because he goes to the baker and said, Oh, my feet, rub some dough over them.

For me, rub some dough over them for me. My feet hurt. Now children, if you're in town, okay, let's say you've you're with your mummy and daddy or your daddy or stepdaddy or mummy or some complete stranger or whatever.

And you're maybe you feel you've been walking a bit too much, you know, and your little feet are sore. I would suggest not, and this is a big NOT, not going into a bakery and asking them to put dough on your feet. You probably, they might call the police.

Okay, just saying. It's not good. You probably get some funny looks.

I've had sore feet in the past over the years and never once have I thought, you know what I need? I need some dough. I need some baking dough, something, a bit of bread that's, you know, in the way that's about to be made before it goes in the oven. Just stick it, stick my feet in them.

Oh, that's better. No, I don't think any health spa in the world, you know, I don't think they offer the dough effect, the dough treatment. I really need a jacuzzi.

No, you don't. Just roll around in this dough. It's much better.

No. Anyway, for the sake of the story, I've hurt my feet, rub some dough over them for me. And when the baker had rubbed his feet over, he ran to the miller.

And so a miller, that's someone who, uh, why? I don't know. He, anyway, he makes millers, whatever it does. I don't know what a miller does.

So the wolf runs over to a miller and says, strew some white meal over my feet for me. Some white meal. Weird.

So apparently you could pretty much, uh, request what you want from the local shops and they just do it. Now, if that was the case now, I wouldn't have got arrested, you know, like just if you just request whatever you want, you know, you could just put some food on that part of my body, please. That's lovely.

Just rub it in for a little bit. Nice. Thanks.

No, it doesn't work like that. Not without the police being called. And a lengthy court case.

But the miller, he thought to himself, because he, you know, this, because it's a wolf and he's thinking, oh, because he knew the mother. Because not only the miller, also, uh, he just knew the mother because they were, they were secretly seeing each other. They had quite a clandestine relationship and, uh, and the baker as well.

So the baker, all three of them, they used to meet up and roll around in various food objects. It was lovely. So the miller thought to himself, that wolf wants to see someone and, oh yeah, and refused.

That's it. The wolf wants to see someone, but he refused. The wolf said, if you will not do it, I will devour you.

Yeah. I thought I'd probably just do it, wouldn't you? It's like, well, I don't really want to be devoured. No, not now.

You're fine. Uh, yeah, we'll do it. Just, just give me a feet here.

So then the miller, the miller was afraid. He was afraid and he made his paws white for him. So the miller makes, yeah, that's it.

The miller makes, uh, what's it? That white stuff, uh, for bread. So, uh, that's pretty what it was. So he, he basically, for some reason, the words got out of my head for some reason.

Not dough, dust. Well, it is kind of like dust, isn't it? Flour. That's it.

Flour. So the miller makes flours, flour, that white stuff that you, um, sometimes pass off if you want to make quick money. So, um, he was afraid.

So he made his paws white for him. Truly, this is the way of mankind. Oh, that's a bit of a, you know, a bit of a judgment there.

Truly, this is the way of mankind and they will do anything if they're afraid. So now the wretch, I guess they're talking about the wolf, went for the third time to the house door of the little children. He knocked at it and said, open the door for me children.

Your dear little mother has come home and has brought every one of you something back from the forest with her. The little kids cried. They cried out, first show us your paws that we may know if you are dear little mother.

So the wolf put his paws in through the window where the kids could see. They could see, see his paws, look at his paws. They could see that his paws were white.

So they believed what he said was true and they opened the door, but they should, but who should come in but the wolf? Well, well, well, well, they were absolutely terrified and they wanted to hide themselves. So what they did is they pushed the seventh in front of themselves and they went and hid. He was busy playing with a cardboard box.

We didn't seem to notice that the wolf was there and they all hid different places. One sprang under the table, the second into the bed, the third into the stove, the fourth into the kitchen, the fifth into the cupboard and the sixth under the washing bowl. And of course the seventh was just having the time of his life with the cardboard box.

But the wolf found them all. He left the one with the cardboard box to last because he figured, well, he's still going to be there and when I've caught all the others, I'll just leave him there. He seemed so happy, but the wolf found them all and used no great effort really.

Really just one after the other, he swallowed them whole down his throat as opposed to up his bum. Of course it was down his throat, isn't it? So he ate them all. That's a bit harsh, but yeah, he did.

The youngest who's in the clock case was the only one he did not find. So when the wolf had satisfied his appetite, he took himself off, laid himself down under a tree in the green meadow outside where there was fluffy trees and marshmallow clouds and he began to sleep. He had sleep apnea, so he kept stop breathing, but it's fine.

He had his little machine, so he put that on and he slept really well. Soon afterwards, the old goat came home again from the forest. She seemed, she looked a bit lighter, very much lighter on her feet, so she must have gone to the toilet quite a few times.

Ah, what a sight she saw when she got into the house. The door stood wide open. The table, chairs and benches were thrown down.

The washing bowl lay broken to pieces and the quilts and pillows were pulled off the bed. She looked for her kids. She looked everywhere, but they were nowhere to be found.

She called them one by one. Number one, number two. No, she literally called them one by one by one, one by one, but no one came, so she thought, I'll just use their names then.

But still no one answered. Eventually, she came to the youngest and a soft voice cried, Dear Mama, I'm in the clock case. Yeah.

She took the kid out and the little kid told her what the wolf had done. He'd come and eaten all the others. And as you imagine, she was, the mother was a little bit upset.

So, you know, in her grief, she went out and the youngest kid ran after her. And they came to the meadow and there lay the wolf by the trees, snoring so loud that the branches shook. And she looked at him on every side and saw that something was moving and struggling in his gorged belly.

His belly was huge, not as big as mine, but huge, huge. And it was moving around. Stuff was moving around in there.

And she thought, oh, he's got diarrhea as well. And she thought, oh heavens, she said, is it possible that my poor children whom he has swallowed down for his supper can still be alive? Then the kid had to run home and fetch scissors and a needle and thread. And the goat cut open the monster's stomach.

Now that's a deep sleeper. That's a heavy sleeper. If you could be asleep and have someone cut your stomach open and not wake up, then that's pretty amazing.

Anyway, hardly had she made one cut, then one little kid thrust his head out. Like a scene from Alien, for those that are old. And then she cut further and all six sprang out one after another.

And they were all still alive and had suffered no injury whatsoever. Pretty bit of trauma, I imagine. I mean, that's, that's, imagine, oh, oh.

For his greediness of the monster had swallowed them down whole. And there was no room to digest them because it was too many. He was too greedy.

What rejoicing there was. Oh, fireworks shooting off everywhere. Oh, it was wonderful.

Each one of the little children embraced their wonderful dear mother, who was at this point covered with blood from the scissors and all the cutting. And it was very, it was like a bloodbath, really. But they just sleep, slipping around and forgetting the diarrhoea and jumped like a tailor at his wedding.

Not sure what that means. A tailor's jump at their wedding? And the mother said to them, to her kids, pulled them around and said, listen, now go back and look for some big stones. You will find the wicked beast's stomach with them while he was sleeping.

Yes, you'll fill the wicked beast's stomach with the stones whilst he is sleeping. Go and find some stones. Go on.

Now, luckily, they didn't live near Stonehenge because that would have been a big ask, wouldn't it? But the kids dragged stones with all their speed and put as many of them into the wolf's stomach as they could get in. And the mother sewed him up again in the greatest haste because, you know, she didn't want him to wake up before she'd finished the surgery. And how did he sleep?

Come on.

How did he sleep? I know that's not the most unrealistic part of this whole story, but how did he sleep through that? So his mother didn't want the wolf to be aware of anything. And he never once stirred. Well, when the wolf had fulfilled all his sleep requirements, he got on his legs, put his arms in the air, yawned, and as the stones in his stomach made him very thirsty, he wanted to go to the well to drink.

He felt really heavy, like, oh, I feel really a bit heavy. I wonder if it's something I've eaten. But then he began to walk and move about and stones in his stomach knocked against each other and rattled.

And he cried, What rumbles and tumbles against my poor bones I thought was six kids, but it feels like big stones. Now, a natural poet, obviously. So, you know, he's like, what's going on? He really didn't know.

So he got to the well and he stooped over to drink the water from the well. But the heavy stones made him fall in and he drowned miserably, as opposed to, like, happily. So when the kids saw that, they come running to the spot and they cried aloud.

The wolf is dead. The wolf is dead. La la la la la la la.

The wolf is dead. The wolf is dead. The wolf is dead.

La la la la la la. Wolfy, wolfy, dead, dead, dead. Feel the stones, he's now in the well and he's dead.

Well, six of them sung that. The seventh one sung, Where's my box gone? Where's my box gone? I miss my box, I really do. So, and they danced around the well with their mother.

Now, they were dancing. The mother just had a very sore bum from all the pooing due to the diarrhoea, and she was just trying to get a bit of air up there, just trying to, like, soothe it off. But the kids never knew about it because she never told them, because she was a good mother and she didn't want to upset them with stuff like that.

But she didn't mind, you know, leaving them alone to be eaten by a wolf. But, you know, priorities, isn't it? So, that's the end of the story. So, I hope that was useful and it really helped you with your life.

So, that's the end. Thank you for listening. Now, go to sleep.