(no music) #1151 - Q&A Friday - Let Me Bore You To Sleep (29th June 2024)

Hello, welcome to Let Me Bore You To Sleep. My name is Jason Newland and Vinnie Andre Newland is pottering around. He's probably going to go to sleep now while I'm talking.

He's in there with me which means, the reason I've got him in here rather than putting him into the bedroom is because these Q&A Fridays, which this is a Q&A Friday, have generally lasted quite a long time. And I don't want to leave him in the bedroom for too long. I left him in there last night for about an hour and a half.

I know that's not a long time because he goes to sleep, he's not that bothered but I like to be with him, don't tell anyone. So yeah, he's chewing on one of his bones so he's happy enough. What will happen though, I can pretty much guarantee this, is he's going to be barking throughout at different times due to stuff in the garden or someone opening the door downstairs or who knows what.

So it's going to take a fair bit of editing. But that's OK, I don't mind. Yeah, so that's it.

Only listen when you can safely close your eyes. Oh OK, I've got lovely messages. Thanks Joan, Joanne, for your message.

I'm not going to read it out but thank you, I've just literally just seen it on Facebook. I like that. Wow, I'm not going to read it out but I like what you said there.

The try not to, what you said, to keep others warm. Ah, thank you, that's very kind of you. And I'll just let you know, I don't post, I don't make recordings to get sympathy or anything, just so you know that.

I just sometimes, you know, I do, I would say most of the Let Me Bore You To Sleep podcasts are me being silly. Summers is almost absurdly surreal, to be honest. Occasionally I'll talk about real stuff.

So it's a mixture. But also I want to say thank you to Teresa as well for what you posted. That's very kind.

Again, I'm not going to read it out because it's only really for people who are on the Jason Newland's Boring Group on Facebook. So I'm not going to read it out because it's on there. But anyone that goes on there can read it.

So thank you. So I haven't got huge amounts of questions for today. I've got one, two.

So one from Robin, one from Diana, and one from Ben. So that's enough, to be honest. Right now, two from Ben.

So there's four questions. So yeah, thanks Ben. You posted that three days ago, so I kept a track of that.

And then there's the Robin and Diana posted them 12 hours ago, according to this. So this is four questions. Three people have asked four questions.

So the podcast won't be as long, you'd think. Although I've got to tell you something that happened last night that just astonished me. So we're walking towards the park, me and VinVin.

Vin, Vin, Vin. And he looks back and I look back. So I kind of, especially at night, he lets me know.

There's no way in the world anyone could ever creep up on me, ever. Because he's always aware of what's around. He lets me know who's about, what they're doing.

I mean, he's on everything. Anytime someone gets into their car, opens the front door, a bird's in a tree. He's on every single thing.

And not that someone, yeah. Anyway, so he looked over the road. And there was a noise.

So I looked over and I saw a cat jump out of a window. I'm talking an upstairs window in this house. Jumped up out of the window onto this.

I don't even know what it's called. But it's almost like a little bit of roof. Below the roof.

Below the window. There's probably a word, a proper name for it. I don't know what it is.

And I thought, oh, I've never seen that in my life. And I thought, oh, the cat's going to be stuck. Because how is it going to get back into the window? And how's it going to get down? Because it's, I don't know, 12, 15 foot up.

And I just, or maybe not. But it was high up anyway. Too high.

Yeah, I didn't have a measurement. I didn't have my measurement thing on me. I just forgot to take.

I forgot to take my extended ruler out with me. The one time. And I thought, what's he going to do? He or she? And so the cat climbed halfway down this.

It's like a triangle roof thing. Again, I don't know what it's called. Genuinely.

But it's above the front door. Yes, so I guess it's like the roof of the front door. Maybe it's an extension or, I don't know.

I don't know what you call it. So jumped down to there. And then climbed down one side of it.

And then jumped off onto the roof of the car. And it was a big old thud. Bang.

Well, it was a thud. It sounded like a cat landing on a roof of a car, I guess. And then just climbed off and just wandered off.

It's like both me and Vinnie just thinking the same thing. Like, wow, I can't believe. I just saw that.

Well, that's what I was thinking. Vinnie probably thinking, I want to chase her. I want to chase her.

I want to chase her. That's probably it. But he is brave.

Vinnie's very brave. Until a cat stands its ground. Doesn't know what to do.

The other night I was in the garden. There's more cats than dogs around here. And there's a lot of dogs.

I mean, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. There's like eight or about ten cats just within this little area. Within this just, within my back garden.

Well, shared back garden. Communal. Communal space.

I do realise that I need a garden for Vinnie. I do. He still has contact with his mum.

He was the previous owner. And he adores her. She lives across the road from me.

So he absolutely adores her. And he sees her every week. And sometimes he goes over and stays with her for a few hours.

And he loves, loves being there. And he loves the garden. And he's got a nice little, it's not a big garden.

It's not tiny either. It's a nice sized garden. And he loves it.

And of course he lived there for, I think, four months. Three or four months. Three months, I don't know.

He was ten months when I got in. And he'd already been with his first owner who got ill. So she couldn't keep him.

And then my friend, the woman, his mum, took over and looked after him for a few months. She was going to keep him, but he bit her. Vinnie bit her on the face.

Because she wouldn't give him some food. She was eating. She wouldn't give it to him, so he bit her.

Now, he's never done anything like that with me. And she was concerned about her grandchildren. Which is understandable.

So that's why she had to find someone to take him. But he loves her. Absolutely adores her.

But apparently, when I go around there and I drop him off and I leave, he's all excited for a bit. And then he's waiting. It's like he's waiting for me to come back.

Listening out for when I'm going to get back. So he prefers it when I'm there with him. I think.

It's exciting to start with. I think this is his home now. He wants to be here.

This is where all his smells are, I guess. His smells and my smells. I suppose my stink is probably comforting to him.

Which is weird. Oh, he's going to bark now. And then someone downstairs just closed the door.

He's listening. He has to hear every single thing. If he barks too much, I will put him into the bedroom.

Because I can't be bothered with all of the editing. It just sometimes takes way too long. I don't mind editing.

Editing is part of the thing. So he's started. Calm down, Vinnie.

It's all part of the process. I won't edit that out because it's only a little bark. But if he starts, he's gone to the front door now.

So I'm guessing he's going to start in a minute. Yeah, that was just really weird. It never really surprised me.

The other thing is last night. I didn't know it was on until probably early evening. That there was the American.

I don't know what you want to call it. The election debate thing. Between the current president and the next president potentially.

So I wanted to watch it. And then I thought, well, no, I can't stay up to two in the morning. It's just too much.

I don't want to do that. I don't do that anymore. So I thought it would be on the radio.

Because I listen to a news radio show channel. Called LBC. So I figured they'd have it on there.

Because they said they were going to be covering it. But when I woke up, I actually woke up just before two o'clock. They weren't covering it.

They weren't talking about it. So they were covering it from that. But they weren't playing it.

But it was being shown live on. I think BBC News. GB News.

And Sky News. As well as on CNN. If you got the on YouTube as well.

And there was loads of watch parties on YouTube. People getting together and stuff online. So what I did is I watched it on.

I think I watched it on BBC. I watched some of it on CNN. On YouTube.

And then I watched it on BBC. Because it was a much better picture. Than.

Or maybe on Sky. I don't know. The GB News wasn't such a great picture.

Well actually it was a much clearer picture. It was almost like digital. The other one was more like analogue.

It was like someone was filming a television. Which might be exactly what they were doing. So I got it onto a clearer picture.

And I thought. Now I'll go back to the other one. I like it a bit more muffled.

And. It was interesting. I'm not going to talk about politics and stuff.

But I tell you what I find. Very. Interesting.

And you know a little bit concerning. Is. How.

How divided. America seems to be. Over.

These two individual people. And I see on Facebook. Someone posts something.

Like really. Almost quite pious. And they put.

Make. Whatever it is. For whichever person.

Their. Following or backing. And what loads of hate.

Comes onto the screen. Loads of their friends. Family members maybe even.

Like having a go at them and just. And it's just all this emotions. And I just thought.

Wow. The only time I've seen that. In this country.

Really was during Brexit. Which really divided this country. For.

A while. So you know. The lead up to it and.

The aftermath as well. So it's kind of you know. I don't have a. I don't have a pigeon in the swimming pool.

Or whatever the right term is. It's just you know whatever happens. It does affect everyone.

It does affect us here. Because even though. We're a long way away.

England or Britain or whatever. Are. We just copy whatever America does.

We just do whatever. Our government. Just does what they're told by America.

And. A little bit worrying. Wondering what's going to happen you know.

But hey. Don't send any political comments. Because I'm not interested.

I'm only interested in my own views. That's why I don't post them on Facebook. I don't really have any views when it comes to.

We've got our own. Politicians. We've got our own election coming up.

America got their election in November. I think. Our election is in July.

It's literally next Thursday. And. The power is going to change over.

Probably. Most likely to Labour. And the last time Labour were in government was.

Well. Not since 2010. So that's 14 years or whatever.

So that would be interesting to see what happens then. I probably will stay up all night with that one. All things going well.

I'll eat a pizza. And I'll stay up all night and watch the results come in. Yeah.

Because it does affect. It's like. Yeah.

It has a big effect on this country. But anyway. I didn't kind of talk about.

Politics. So I've got three questions. Four questions.

I'll start off with. Oh, by the way, I've got a YouTube channel. If you're interested.

I've been posting my. Videos on there. Which is what you do on YouTube, isn't it? But.

Actually, most people don't. Most people watch YouTube videos. But, you know, there still are lots of people that do post videos.

And. I've currently got, I think, 915 different videos. And I've got 1312 subscribers.

At the moment. And. I'm in the process of.

Creating. The deep sleep whisper hypnosis podcast. Videos.

So. I've uploaded 200 so far. I've created 200.

Out of probably 450 or whatever. So I'm nearly there. Halfway.

And I've got. A lot of others to do as well. So it's going to take a while.

But that's okay. And. So if you want to find me on YouTube, just put in my name, basically.

Not. M Y N A M E. But Jason Newland. And you'll find me on there.

There's a picture of me. When I was 10. Just so you know.

And the banner at the top has got a picture of Vinnie and Andre. On there. So.

Yeah. It's. It's all right.

I'm just continuously uploading things. What's ironic? It's not really ironic at all. It's the wrong word.

My most popular videos that I've uploaded lately. What have you done for me lately? Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Yeah. Okay.

Is. Number 23. Relaxation hypnosis.

Stress. Anxiety. And.

Panic attacks. So I have 1163 views of that. I uploaded that a month ago.

So that's the most popular video. Of the last 28 days. Or.

You know. The last month. Oh.

This is. This is during the last. 28 days.

I don't know how many. There is altogether. There.

Is. 1,000. Three.

1,326. Okay. Okay.

Fair enough. So it's not 1,160. It's a little bit more.

Since I published it. So there's that. Also.

Also. Because you know I like to keep changing things up. I have.

Relaunched my website. jasonnewland.com. There's a lot of work.

Behind the scenes to be done. But. It's up and running.

So. jasonnewland.com. You just click on that.

All the latest episodes. Are on the first page. And.

And. I'm going to have. You can also send me a message.

You can send me. You think there's a contact form on there. Which you can send me a message.

There are. There's. Episodes link.

Which shows you all the different episodes. But that will be. To be fair.

I'll probably get rid of that. Because that's mixing. The podcast together.

So it doesn't really make sense. So I might get rid of that. The.

There's an about. Which. I need to get rid of.

Because I've not put anything in there. Reviews. Sorry we couldn't find any podcast reviews.

So you can add a review. There's the contact page. Which you guess I've already put on there.

There's the podcasts page. So at the moment. I've got the hypnosis was sleeping deeply podcast.

Which is where all my stuff is. On SoundCloud. And that's just the RSS feed.

Put through. What I'm doing. What I'm going to do.

Is. Create. Myself.

Based on. I'll be creating the podcasts. So that every.

All my podcasts. Will be available. But the different versions.

So the no music. Music. Five hours.

Ten hours. So I've started on a relaxation. Stress and panic attacks.

On the no music. One. So I've got what.

Basically that's the podcast. I'm in the process of building. And I'm basically.

Embedding. The recordings from SoundCloud. Onto that.

Eventually they'll all be on there. The only ones I won't do. Different ones for.

Is probably. The ones where there's not many recordings. I'll just do all.

And if I don't bother. Like with the. I don't know.

We'll see. We'll see. So that's what I'm doing anyway.

So it's going to take me. It'll take a few months. Before that's all done.

Probably because. It's a big old. It's a big old task.

But. The outline is pretty much. Completed now.

In fact. What I'm going to do. Is go to the.

Delete episodes. So that's no. I need to have that.

Because it's got the latest. Anyway. Cool.

So yeah. So that's it. The website is up and running again.

If you click on there. The first page. Just has all the latest recordings.

I will have a video. I'll have a podcast. A section for videos as well.

Take you to YouTube. Maybe. With.

A section for. Yeah. Maybe a section for.

The playlists as well. And that's it. So for now.

I'll get on with. An hour later. I'm going to do the actual questions.

Really. Oh yeah. No kidding.

Yeah I am. Oh thanks. So.

Here we go. The questions. I'll start off with.

Ben first. Because that's. Separate.

So I don't want to make sure. I don't forget it. So it's kind of quick.

Drink of water. Right. This is from Ben.

Q&A. Have you ever been. Arrested.

And if so. What was it for. Mind your own business.

No. And. Well no.

Never. Never been caught. Now.

I've never been arrested. And. The closest.

I'm trying to think. That. When I was a kid.

I. Me and my friends. Decided it would be fun to. Wherever we saw a policeman.

Because there was a time. A long time ago. When.

Where the police used to walk around. That actually. Like Bobby's on the beat.

I think they used to be called. And they would walk around. And he had a big.

Big old hat on. And. They'd walk around.

Like. Kind of like patrol in the area really. Just to keep the place safe.

And. They wouldn't be in pairs either. They'd just be on their own.

Just. Just wandering around. And this one.

I think he was. The one that we decided to wind up. It was around the public toilets.

He seemed to be there quite a lot. Hmm. Anyway.

I didn't really think about it at the time. So what we decided. That whenever we saw this particular policeman.

We would run. Which is. I was a kid by the way.

I was. Late 30s. I was younger.

I was young. So we were running around. The problem is.

We were running. Basically running around these public toilets. And it was just a small.

Building. You had. That's in the days when there was only two sexes.

And. So it was quite. Nowadays.

It'd be. Public toilets. I don't know.

I've not been to a public toilets lately. But I imagine if there was one. It'd be.

Huge. Size of a football stadium. I guess now.

But this was when there was just two. Sort of. There was the men's.

And there was the women's. No. No children.

But just. Just men and women. Sort of the boys had to go into the men's.

Unless they were very young. And they were with their mum. Or with a female.

And they'd go into the. Female toilet. I loved that.

I was brilliant. But. Sometimes I didn't.

When I was a kid. When I was little. Yeah.

I'm talking like. I don't know. Young.

And. I used to pretend I needed the toilet. When I was out with my step mum.

So we was in town. It was busy. And.

That's not really relevant to the story. But didn't he tell us what the weather was. It was nice.

It was a bit windy. Breezy. It was near a beach.

So it was often breezy. But it was nice. I like a breeze.

Even on a hot day. I do. I like a breeze.

I've always liked a breeze. I don't know. I don't know if I've always liked a breeze.

I mean. If I did get a time machine. And went back to the.

Being three years old. I could ask myself. Or.

I don't know if I could talk then. But. Let's say five.

When can kids talk. Is it about seven or eight. And.

Just say. Do you like the breeze. And I might say.

No I don't. I don't like the breeze. So I might not have always liked the breeze.

But I do now. Because earlier on. I was in the park.

With Finn. And we were just. We were both enjoying it.

He had his head up. Like looking up. And just enjoying the breeze.

Against his. His. Face and.

Well that's what I thought. Because I was doing it. And I was like.

I see. You enjoying the breeze. He said no I can smell pussy.

And like. He's always on the track. For cats.

All the time. He's a pussy hound. He absolutely cannot get enough.

Of pussy cats. Always like. Can he get.

You know he's always sniffing around. And. Last night.

We're in. Or was it. No it was this morning.

We're in the park. And. You can always find.

Even on a. Like a cloudy day. You can always find. The warmest.

Bit of grass. Because that's where the cat will be. They always find.

The hot spot. So. This was a very warm pussy.

And. Vinnie. Went.

Nutty. He absolutely like. Let me at him.

Let me at him or her. I'm not sure. It's hard to tell.

Well you can tell. But it's. A little bit invasive.

Isn't it really. It's. Not my.

It wasn't my pussy. So. I. He.

He was like. Oh let me. Let me.

Let me go. So I did. I went up to this pussy.

And I was like. Stroking pussy. And.

I think it's a girl. But it's a. But. She clawed me.

But not in a bad way. Like just playing. So she like put her hands.

Like both her. Her feet and her hands. Around my arm.

And was like nibbling me. With her. With her.

Nibble things. Teeth. That's it.

So she wasn't. Although she had her talons out. She wasn't actually.

Trying to hurt me. She was playing. And Vinnie.

Was. He couldn't have been. More than.

Ten inches away. And he did nothing. But go.

He didn't know what to do. Because this cat. Had no fear.

Of him. Seriously. He.

He. He. He wants to chase the pussy.

And. If the pussy. If the pussy runs away.

If the pussy cat runs away. He will. It'll be happy.

But if it stands its ground. It doesn't know what to do. And this cat actually.

Like. What do they call it? Hissed. That's it.

Hissed at him. Just in case you wonder what hissing sounds like. That was it.

I'm quite pleased with that. And. I bet you didn't know.

When you started listening to this. That you were going to hear an impression. Of a warm hissing pussy.

Did you? And. Oh this. This pussy was so warm to touch.

Like. They're so. Cats are so.

So soft aren't they? And. I suppose. Because.

Because. He or she was lying on their back. It's natural to kind of go.

Sort of maybe. Stroke her chest. Because.

Couldn't get to the back. And. To start with.

I don't think she was too sure. But didn't care. Like.

Okay. Fair enough. And it was so cute.

And. I didn't realise. I think one of the main.

Why people like pussies so much. Is. Because.

Unlike a dog. Dogs generally. He's not like that with me.

But dogs kind of seem to. Want attention. And they want to please.

Cats don't want to please no one. So when a cat takes to you. It's almost a privilege.

I think. It's almost like wow. Is.

This cat. Really likes me. Because cats don't bother with people they don't like.

They really don't. They just. There's no.

Maybe they'll. You'll grow on them. But generally.

In my experience. And I've been around a lot of pussies. In the past.

Different places I've lived. There's. I mean.

I lived in this place. In Stratford. And there was.

About five. Five pussy cats running around. And I'd hear it every night.

And every morning. Tittles. In the back.

Garden. Shouting. Tittles.

And it was a really weird garden. Because. The out bit.

It was almost like a. A non garden. There was. A bit of concrete.

Enough room to put out. A washing line. One of those rotary line things yeah.

And then this big wall. Surrounding it. It was kind of surrounding.

The right and the left of the house. So there was nothing there. There was no garden.

I don't know if she had an extension. Or something at some point. The other side of this wall.

Which was. A very. Very.

Very. Very large wall. Was a cemetery.

The old cemetery. So. And that went all the way.

If you travelled there. It was. It travelled.

I think half way through London. The cemetery. The big old thing.

It travelled nearly all the way. To Forest Gate. From Stratford.

I'm. Semi making it up. But it was a big old thing.

And it was the old. Cemetery that was closed. And there was a new cemetery.

That was. More popular. That's not the right word is it.

But. Active. The other one was kind of.

Filled up I guess. Again probably not the right term. And.

So. She used to go out there. And it used to echo.

Because these walls were so high. It was almost like. Just.

It echoed. Her voice would echo off the wall. That's what it was.

Like being in a. In an alleyway. Kind of. Anyway.

I used to hear her. Because I was. Just.

The other side. Because I could see the. The graveyard.

Or the cemetery. From my bedroom window. Quiet neighbours.

I guess. So that wasn't too bad. The only time really.

I heard any kind of. Noise from the neighbours. Was.

Oh God what's her name. Dreams can come true. Do do do do.

Do do do do. You know you better have them. You know you better be strong.

That woman with a patch on her eye. And. Someone was blasting out her song.

Over. And over again. Like.

On repeat. For hours and hours. And.

Dreams can come true. And the weird thing about it. It started to catch me.

I started to. Like. Oh.

I like this song now. It's very annoying. I mean it was a good song.

But I just. Really. And the weird thing about it is.

I'd seen the video. And I didn't know. Because I'd had the volume down.

So I didn't know. That it was. It was her that was singing it.

What was her name. Dorothy. Tipperary.

Sharon. I think she just had one name as well. Sinbad.

No. I'm thinking of pirates now aren't I. That's terrible. I don't know.

Anyway. So. I used to hear my landlady echo.

Tiddles. Tiddles. Tiddles.

Tiddles. And it'd echo all the way through the graveyard. Pinky Ping Pong.

Pinky Ping Pong. And all these weird silly names that she had for the cats. And.

It just got. Tiffany Duval. Tiffany Duval.

Duval. Duval. One of the cats went missing.

One of the pussies went missing for. About five days. And the rescuers had to come and.

It was. I don't know where. It was in the graveyard.

But it was down one of the tunnels or stuff. And. It was just like.

Because I think it was. It was a very old place. There was lots of.

I think the reason why it was cordoned off. Because it was not safe. For humans to be in.

Because there's lots of like holes in the ground. And stuff like that. At night.

It was very much like a scene from a thriller video. It was. By that I don't mean there was some weird man.

Looking for kids. Chasing kids. I mean.

It was. It was weird though. On Halloween.

Especially because Halloween is what? October time. And quite often it's very. It was misty.

You could see. Because I could see all the way over to the graveyard. Into the new bit.

But I was over where the old bit was. And it was honestly huge. Huge.

And you'd see it all misty. And you'd see movement. But not sure what the movement was.

And I remember it was. I think it was Halloween. It was.

About close to midnight. And it really felt like. Something was evil.

Was lurking in the dark. I'm sorry. I'll shut up now.

Blimey. And the child catcher arrived. It's close to midnight.

And honestly Michael Jackson just arrived. And he started dancing. It's like weird.

Now you'd think. I'm actually a Michael Jackson fan. And I was especially.

Back then as well. And Vinnie. Can you make a little bit less noise please.

Oh blimey. He's trying to eat. A packet of empty food.

Off the floor. This is why I'm letting me know. He wants me to get him some food.

So I better get him some food. I'll be back when I've got him some food. Blimey.

Okay Vinnie. I'm getting you some dindins. Wow.

Oh itchy arm. So I just gave Vinnie. His dindins.

His num nums. So he's happy now. It's just at my feet.

Scratching. Yee. So.

Yeah. I was looking on my website. Just out of interest.

On the about. Page. There's a bit of information about me.

And there's some photographs. There's one of me. Just in case you don't know what I look like.

Because I know there's a picture of me on YouTube. Or whatever. Facebook.

Or you know of me when I was 10. But there's a picture of me with Vinnie. Which was taken probably last December.

2023. And that was in my friend's house. There's a picture.

So I'm the host. There's a picture of Vinnie. The co-host.

There's a picture of Molly. The boss. And then there's a picture of Andre.

And my Nan. There's a picture of me and my Nan together. So that's.

The picture of. Well I've got a latest video. I don't know if I can get rid of that later.

So. What we're talking about. Oh I used to chase.

Used to run around. Used to run around the. Away from people.

Away from the police. And so we were running around these public toilets. And.

You know it's weird. Because you could run around quite quickly. But when you get inside.

It's a lot larger inside. Then. I was always.

Kind of amazed. And also the smell was different. In the different toilets.

In the women's toilets. It was. It just didn't smell as bad.

As it did in the men's toilets. It's weird. I think it's more to do with the cubicles.

And. The. The taps in the men's.

Toilets. Rarely used. To be honest.

So yeah. So we're running around this. It's like a TARDIS inside.

Except. Doctor Who wasn't in there. Or maybe the current.

No no Doctor Who wasn't in there. And. It wasn't really a TARDIS.

But it was like much bigger inside. Than outside. It was like a. What? What are you doing? He's having a little munch on himself now.

That's nice. So I'm running around. My friends are running around the other way.

And I run straight into this. Policeman's belly. Now.

He was a big old fella. And I was. I was just a kid.

So he grabbed me. And I was like. Oh.

Then what's going to happen now? And he said. You grab your friends. Call your friends over.

And I shouted. Help. Help.

I'm not sure if they did come over. I'm kind of partly making this up. But it did really happen.

I just don't know. What happened. Something happened.

I definitely got in trouble. But I didn't get in trouble. If you know what I mean.

The policeman told me off. He said. You're not allowed to do that.

This is his exact voice. It's naughty. You've got to stop doing that.

And he did. He used the policeman back then. Because he.

That's just the language. It's hard to believe it. That's the kind of language people used to use in the 80s.

And he. He. He told me off.

He gave me a stern telling off. For wasting police time. And I was really concerned.

Because he did take my details. You know what my name was. My address, telephone number, bra size.

You know just standard stuff. And I. I was like. Is he going to knock on the door.

Am I going to get in trouble. Is my mummy and daddy going to tell me off. But.

Nothing happened from that. And that wasn't my first run in with the police. Funny enough.

And. There was another time. When I got in trouble.

With a farmer. And. Me and my two brothers were running up and down a field.

I've talked about this before. This is when I was in Newcastle. And it was in the summer.

I think it was during the Ladybird. Fiasco. And there was a big drought on or something.

I don't know. But I was tiny. I was like five years old or something.

And I'm right. We're running. Basically they're taking turns running.

They're both. Well one's two years older. And one's four years older.

I didn't stand a chance catching either of them. So I'm just like watching. And I'm like on a little hill.

Just a little hill. And the fields down. It's not a hill.

But it's like a little. You know you've got to climb up it. But it's not like a high hill.

Although it probably felt quite high. Because I was very short. But they were running.

And they were on their way back. And they're waving at me. Well I waved back.

I was like well. Why are you waving hello. We live with each other.

We literally just spoke to each other. You know. What's all this greeting.

We're suddenly going to be doing this every time we see each other. Say hello. You know it's weird.

And they kept waving. I waved back. And this thing pressed against my back.

Again I'm elaborating. But. It was a gun.

I should tell you straight away. It was a gun. It was a shotgun or something.

And. There's this big scary man. He might have had a beard.

I don't remember. He might not have had a beard. He might be wearing flip flops.

How would I. It doesn't matter. Which is why he had a gun. Because for some reason.

For some reason in this country. Especially in them days. It was okay for.

Farmers to have guns. And he wasn't a happy farmer. And.

He called my two brothers out. Up to the thing. He had the gun pointed at me.

And he said. You're not allowed to be on my land. You know the whole kind of cliche farmer.

Get off my land. Although it would be with a Geordie accent. Get off my land.

Oi. Oi. I can't do the accent.

It's weird because I used to be a Geordie. I literally had. A Geordie accent.

That was my first accent I ever had. Because I'd lived there from the age of two. Till probably about the age of five.

So. That's when I really. Yeah two you don't really have that.

It's like. I probably wasn't even really talking much at that point. So I learned to talk properly.

With a Geordie. Well technically properly. But it was with a Geordie accent.

So it was never really properly was it. And aye aye. Aye aye man.

Aye aye. So yeah. I used to have a Geordie accent.

Anyway so this. It's weird. Because they grew up.

Because I guess technically my oldest brother. Was a Londoner. I was born in London.

But he lived in London for the first. Six years of his life. So he would have had a London accent.

My other brother. Was. For the first four years.

Of his life. So I'm guessing he would have. Probably had a London accent.

As well. Because I probably. I don't know if I was even talking yet.

So yeah. So this. My brother's come up.

And he starts telling him to go away. Because. It's weird.

It's quite weird to kind of explain it. But me and my brothers. We weren't scared of anything.

Really. Weren't scared of people. In the same.

Way that any of us was scared of this bloke. With a gun. I might have been.

I don't remember. I don't remember. We were talking back to him.

Well they were. I mean it's easy for them. Because they were in the field still.

And I'm the one with a gun pointed at me. So I guess it was easy for them to be brave. And eventually they came up.

And we were all standing there. In front of him. And he's pointing the gun at us.

And it didn't necessarily happen in the order that I said. Like you know. I sometimes elaborate.

Just to make it a little bit more boring. But. I don't think he was going to shoot us.

Because even then it was. I think he was frowned upon. Killing kids was definitely.

It was a. Naughty step process you know. It's not a done thing really. Even in the 70s.

So. But we didn't know that. And he blew.

Like Superman. Without a cape or. He did have the underwear on the outside of his trousers.

He was our. Like not a social worker. But he worked in the children's home.

That we were living in Newcastle. And he was kind of like a social worker. Kind of.

I don't know. He worked there anyway. And he came up and said what are you doing.

And he threatened the bloke. So he threatened the bloke. That had the gun on us.

And he was saying they're my kids. Just leave them alone. And he was going to call the police.

I mean the farmer was going to call the police. That's what made me think about the police. And then he said he was going to call the police.

And I think I was going to shout. Or I'm going to call the police then. And I said to my brother.

Pass a mobile phone. Pass us a phone. And he said they haven't been invented yet.

I was like damn it. So I. That was weird. I've had guns pulled out of me twice.

One was in Bulgaria as well. So. That's just strange.

It's surreal because in this country. Where I live. Guns aren't.

Real. They are real but they're not. It's not something that.

Unless you're in the military. Or in the police force. Or part of a rifle club.

Or maybe a farmer. You know a hunter. Something like that.

You don't really get to see stuff like that. Or if you're in a city. You'll see guns on the police.

Maybe. But around here you don't really see. It's all tasers and stuff.

So you don't get to see them with guns generally. But. It was.

Yeah. It was strange. But the police weren't involved.

Which is why I thought of that. The farmer. Should have gone to prison for that.

Pointing a gun. Threatening to shoot three little kids. I mean come on.

What was I? I was what? Four. Five. Let's say if I was five.

Four. Something like that. Six.

Eight. Seven. Eight.

It's never your fault. You have to blame other people. And you have to be able to lie.

It's like second nature. Everything's a lie. Lie, lie, lie, lie.

Not even knowing you're lying. Just do it automatically. That's the.

And then as you get older. Probably get into drugs as well. So hey.

I'm not saying that's always for everyone. But generally. If you're gonna be a dirty.

Rotten thief. Like I was. You know it's not a good.

Good lifestyle. Luckily I got caught in the bud. Got snapped in the bud because.

I was led astray by a girl. That's why I say it wasn't my fault. But I did know what I was doing.

And I was seven. I remember it quite. Not clearly.

But I remember it. What happened is this girl that I was. A bit infatuated with.

Always a bit of a ladies man when I was a kid. Just like girls. And she was my girlfriend.

Well. Well let me tell you. She.

What was weird if I remember rightly. I'd met her on the beach. During the summer.

So I moved to. With my dad and his step mum. His step mum.

Yeah with his step mum as well. And his new wife. We were living there.

In the summer of 1977. And then in September we went to school. Which was.

A school that was just literally. Just up the road. From where we lived.

So it was quite handy. So probably August time. I met this girl on the beach.

And we hit it off. Really liked her. And I don't know if we were swimming or whatever.

But we liked each other. And then I never saw her again. And I thought oh.

I wish I could see her. And maybe. I don't know if I wrote some poems.

It's possible. I think her name was. Veronica.

Trying to think when I. I think the. I wrote a song I think yeah. Veronica baby.

Sorry. How do you do Veronica baby. I love you.

I don't know. No is it Veronica. Oh what's her name.

No Susie. Yes it's Susie. Susie baby listen to me.

Susie baby I want you to see. Susie baby I want you to hear. I don't want a single tear.

I love you Susie. Yes I do Susie. I just want to know if Susie you love me too.

Just say something I want to know. Just say something like hello. Oh Susie I love you.

Something like that. But I'm not sure if I knew her name. So I might have just made it up.

Unlike the story. And. This is a weird thing.

I start this new school. I go into class. Do the class thing.

And there was this girl. This girl. Could not believe she turned around.

And it was like some kind of dream. And it was like wow. And everything was in slow motion.

And I couldn't believe it. And I was like I can't believe it. I remember thinking.

And. I would have said it to my friend. But I didn't have any friends at that point.

So it was strange. Anyway. I. We started hanging out.

Because we was in love. And I wasn't at that school for very long. Maybe a term.

Because we had to move out. Because there was. Dry rot or.

Woodworm or something in the building. That we were living in. And we had to get out.

So we ended up. Me my dad. His new wife.

And my two older brothers. Moved into a council house. Which then ended up being my nan and granddad's house.

And we moved to a different school. And then when I was eight. We moved again.

And I moved to a different school again. So this is. Three junior schools.

But I only went to one high school. But I went to multiple schools before that as well. Newcastle, Southend.

So I've lost different schools. I only really remember one of them. I remember it being.

The playground being very low down. And you could see people walking past. So I don't know.

This was in Southend. So I'm not quite sure where it was. But.

I don't remember. Oh no. I do remember Newcastle school.

Because there was this time when I was. In the school. I was actually at the gate.

It was a big old gate. You know. So I couldn't get out.

I wonder if it was a zoo. There was a lot of monkeys and elephants there. Maybe it wasn't a school.

Yeah. There was a rhinoceros. Yeah.

Because you don't normally have giraffes do you. In a school. Blimey.

I was in the monkey enclosure. Anyway. So I'm looking.

This isn't a particularly nice story. But it did happen. Everyone's gone inside.

And for some reason. This woman's talking to me. Outside of the gate.

And I'm inside the gate. And as I'm looking at her. She falls over.

And. I think I just walked back in. To school.

I'm not sure if I did anything. That caused her to fall over. Which was weird.

But. To be honest. Back then.

I think I was probably severely. Severe. Mental health issues.

But it wasn't acknowledged. You know. Like severe.

Really. I believed some pretty strange stuff. When I was a kid.

Not just being a kid. But really. As I sort of think back to it now.

It was. Pretty. I did think that I could control things.

I used to believe I could control the weather. I'd spend hours looking at the sky. What a waste of time.

I mean if you look at the sky long enough. And want it to rain. It will eventually rain.

It might take days. But it will eventually rain. And then you can say yeah I'll cause it to rain.

But. I used to believe that I had control over other people. And I could do stuff like that.

I did genuinely used to think that. I never told anyone. Although I did tell a teacher once.

When I was in high school. The first year of high school. That I think yeah.

I told him or her. That I could control the weather. And they said oh that's nice.

Now really. I perhaps should have. Because I was just a kid.

Just playing make-believe. But I wasn't. I genuinely believed I could control the weather.

Like. As much as I believed that. The vinnies are down there.

On the floor. Doing a magic trick. I know that this stuff's happening you know.

So. I know. He's.

Instead of making something up disappear. He's making something appear. And I don't want to see it Vinnie stop it.

So. I. One of my French years ago. When I started doing.

This kind of podcast. I was doing a. Jason Chats thing. Or I think I might have called it.

Speaking out quietly. Speaking out loudly. He listened to it.

And he said you're ill. You need to get help. There's something wrong with you.

Because I was just rambling on about stuff. And it's almost like he took offence. To what I was saying.

Or to how I was saying it. Like how dare you. I think it was basically how dare you be so honest.

You should keep all this stuff in. You shouldn't tell people. Personal stuff.

Why not? I mean it's. I know. I used to have hallucinations when I was a kid.

I know that. And it wasn't. It wasn't kind of an invisible friend.

You know. There's a lot of my. When you study something.

When you start studying. Child. Child psychology.

Which I will be studying in October. In my open university degree course. When that starts.

I'll only be. I'll only be. Are you ready for this? I only last 6 years.

So I will be. I'll only be 60 years old when it finishes. See.

So you're going to stick with me. I'm still alive. We can celebrate.

Have a party. I don't know. Party.

So I'll be doing that in October. But I've been studying. And I've been studying psychology.

For most of my adult life. In different forms. And.

It's amazing what I've learned. And like. I used to do that.

Wow. No one noticed. No one took any notice.

No one. Because I used to have these. I know this isn't very.

Funny stuff. Sorry but. These Q&A sometimes go a little bit serious.

I try not to. But if you lead me into a direction. I'm probably going to go there.

But I'll come back. I'll get out. I'll get back to being stupid again.

Although I don't like that word stupid. I prefer inferior or impotent. That's much nicer.

So. I. Yeah. I used to have this period.

I noticed it was when I was about. Seven, eight. I'd go home from school.

Or I'd just be at home in the evening. And my step mum. I used to call her mum at the time.

But I call her step mum now. Because I've just had too many mothers. Too many.

Too many female figures that have been. Like the original mother. The.

I don't want to say the vagina mother. The birth canal mother. The genetic.

DNA. Parent. And then.

I had. A foster mother. For about a year and a half.

So my mum left me when I was about six months. Three to six months. According to my nan.

Foster parents I lived with. For about a year and a half. With my older brother.

But not my oldest brother. He lived with my nan and grandad. Not quite sure why that happened.

But. Yeah. The mother.

The original mother came back. And took us. And then.

She put us into. Either she put us into a children's home. Or we were taken away from her.

I don't know. It's very hard to find out. If it happened now.

Or in the last 20 years. We'd be able to do internet searches and stuff. But it's a long time ago.

I really would. So then we had like mother figures. Which was.

Or I had mother figures. Which was the nuns. Some of which were nice.

Some of which really wasn't. And then it was also the care workers. Or the assistants used to come in.

That didn't dress up. As penguins. That didn't.

Just dressed up in. You know civilian clothes. And.

They were really nice. They did the. I suppose the grubby.

Not grubby. But the dirty work. Like giving us baths.

And doing stuff like that. I guess. And trying to look after us.

And there was a couple. I think there was volunteers as well. Because some young girls used to come.

I used to love it. I used to love being around the girls. Because they were all like probably.

I don't know. They were all a hell of a lot older than me. Everyone was.

But I just. I attached myself to. At least one of the helpers.

And I remember she was tickling me. And we were watching Planet of the Apes. And I think this is before.

Before we got. This is in Southend. So not Newcastle.

Newcastle. I don't think there was. I don't even remember there being nuns there.

I genuinely don't. I know there was a man. He was quite a big man.

And he had massive bosoms. And he used to sunbathe. And he always used to say.

Do you want to. Well. Offer him to breastfeed us all.

It was a joke. It was all kids and that. It was like really weird.

I do remember that. I don't know. He used to make him laugh.

But he wasn't inappropriate. I mean that was inappropriate I guess. But he wasn't.

Far as I know he wasn't inappropriate in any other way. So. In the.

Yeah. So in the Southend Children's Home. On a Sunday.

It was a Sunday afternoon. Because that's the only time we got to watch TV. During the week.

Really Sunday afternoon. Maybe Saturday evening. During the week.

We get to watch Crossroads. And then go to bed. So we was in bed at 7 o'clock or something silly like that.

And. So Sunday afternoon we were watching Planet of the Apes. It was a one on where they're on horses.

So I'm not sure which one. It was like this is a 70s or 60s drama. Maybe the film was made.

And she was tickling me. And it's probably the most I laughed. Probably up to that point in my life.

That's why I remember it I guess. Because it was possibly the happiest I've been. As a child.

So for the first six years of my life. That was probably the happiest I've ever been. Right at that moment when this lady was tickling me.

And there was. It wasn't just me there. I think my brother was there.

Or there was other kids around as well. But it was just such a happy moment. And I'm not sure if I weed myself.

I might have done. Because I couldn't control myself. Because it was just.

Possibly I did. But it wasn't a bad thing. It was just.

It was funny. But it was just yeah. Absolutely loved it.

I was like a little monkey at that time. Which shows why I kept putting me into a zoo I suppose. So.

That's why they locked me in a cage. So I yeah. I. So I guess I was attached to her.

I think I was quite attached to one of the nuns. There was a nun that was very friendly. Very nice.

But I kind of didn't know who to get attached to. Because. The person I cared about or I felt close to I guess.

Was gone. So. You know.

The original mum. Then the foster mum. And I must have adored her.

I was there for a year and a half. I must have absolutely loved her. In fact I wouldn't have even known any different.

As far as I was concerned she was my mum. And. I talk about it.

Well I might have mentioned it. I talk about it to myself. I really would like to find out who she is.

And if she's still around. Go and visit her. And thank her.

And let her know that I ended up okay. Some would argue perhaps I didn't. But you know generally I'm.

Not too bad am I. So. I'd like to. She.

She lived in Edmonton or in Enfield. Back in 1970. You know into that.

Into 72. Which is when I got took away. So I was with her between 70.

Probably 71 and 72. 73. You know kind of you know period.

For a year and a half. Maybe. Yeah.

Between 71 and 72. Yeah. So I'd have been with her for that period.

Her and her husband I think. So I'd like to meet both of them. You know.

I mean just because they were fostered us. And it was that long ago. When I was a baby.

Doesn't mean that they're like. Really really old. They might have been young fosters.

They might have been in their 20s. Which means they'll be younger than my dad. My dad was 26 when I was born.

So they might only be in their 70s. So. If you know of any foster parents.

That lived in that area. Get in contact. There was two of us.

Me and my older brother. Okay. So.

And they wanted to adopt us. They wanted to adopt us. So that we were legally.

We know what adoption means. So they wanted us to be their legal parents. Them to be our legal parents.

But the social services had to contact my mum. And she didn't want that. And came back and.

That was the end of that little adventure. On to a new one. And then when I was seven.

My dad's new mum. My dad's new mum. My dad's new wife.

I gripped her so tight. Honestly. I'd be gripping hold of her ankle.

As she walked along. I was literally like one of those little monkeys. That just gripped.

We couldn't get rid of them. Never to let her go. Because she was so lovely.

I mean she was so kind. Gentle. Loving.

I used to sit on her lap. In the car. So coming back from Southend.

To their house and then back. I'd be on her lap. Because I was so little.

I literally was like a little monkey. I know it sounds weird. But I was.

I was tiny. I was seven. Nearly seven.

And I was. Under size. By a long shot.

I probably looked about four or five. Seriously size wise. And.

I remember I was on my dad's shoulders once. And we was out. I used to love being on his shoulders.

Because I could see high up and everything. And I'd never had a dad before. You know I didn't even know who he was.

Until I was nearly seven. And suddenly. Like this big strong.

Huge bear of a man. Especially compared to me then. It was like wow.

You couldn't feel safer. If you tried. I never felt so safe in my entire life.

With him. He was honestly he was like gigantic. And strong as an ox.

Still is. And. I've never met an ox though have you? I've had oxo cubes.

But an ox. I guess. I spoke because they used to pull.

Pull things. Through fields didn't they? So I guess that's why they get it. Because they're strong.

Because they could pull heavy loads. I pulled a few heavy loads. I never worked in a field.

I used to. When I was in a chip shop. I used to help unload the potatoes.

And this bloke used to chuck. The bags at me. And I'd catch them.

And the bags of potatoes. Were probably nearly as heavy as I was. So I was like eight and a half stone.

And these bags were probably. What five stone each. 50 kilos.

40 kilos. I don't know they're big big old bags. I mean literally if I if I. Put it onto the ground.

It was up. To my stomach. It was heavy old thing.

I was pretty strong. Considering like my size. Or maybe I'd just.

Gone through puberty basically. I should have been strong. I shouldn't have been weak weak should I? But.

I'd say I'm stronger now than I was then. But I'm also fatter. But then anything's fatter than what I was.

Because I didn't have. There was no fat on me. There was not.

Not a centigrade. Of fat. Centipede or whatever you have.

Of fat on me. Nothing. But there's.

There's a little bit more now. Tiny amount. Spread out.

Making a huge amount. So I. I mean you know a puddle is only a small amount of water. But if you get enough puddles.

You've got an ocean. That's. What my name you should tell me.

I don't know why. I think he's just farted. Oh man that's a bad one.

But it's also kind of. Aromatic. Hmm.

So I put some. I put some dry food in with his wet food. And the mixtures.

Giving him a different type of fart. It's a different type of. Hmm.

Different flavor. Oh. I'm not sure if the windows open is it.

No it's not. Oh no it's partly open. Not fully open.

Like my brain. So I had that you know. With her with my.

Oh yeah my dad. I mean. We went out to the beach.

For the day out. And I was on his shoulders. So.

My stepmom was getting a dinner ready. My dad said oh I've got to rush out. Because he had to do a. Do a job because someone phoned him up.

And left a message or whatever. And he had to do a quick electrical job. Around one of his friends or.

Because he was an electrician. So he went off and did that. He's in the van.

And what is it. Apparently he's in the loft. It was a restaurant or something.

So he's in the loft. I'm still on his shoulders. He hasn't noticed.

Because we're in a dark loft. I don't want to make him jump. Because he's so strong.

He's not even noticed that I'm on there. And I mean. It was a bit strange when he was getting dressed but.

I mean I don't know how he managed to put his hat on. And his coat. But.

The hat doesn't really make sense does it. Unless it was a long hat. Yeah because I don't think I was even as tall as.

Even on his shoulders I wasn't above his head. Look how little I was. Like a little monkey.

So. So this girl. I was.

At school with. And I was in love with her. She led me astray.

Astray astray astray. I'm not lying to you. It's true.

She led me astray. She came up to me. In fact I think it was the end of the school.

And she shouted. Juicy. So I like looked round.

She said come here. I said what. She said come here.

I said look I can't hear you if you're whispering. You're too far away. She said.

Yeah but I don't want anyone to hear what I'm saying. I said what. So what I decided is to go a bit closer.

Because that sometimes helps. With the communication. If a person is speaking quite.

Low level volume. I learned that. Trick.

When I was younger. A lot of things happen when I was younger. Anyway she said guess what.

I said I don't know. I'm too tired to do guessing games. Just get on with it will you.

She said that's very rude. You said for that. I'm not going to hold your hand.

For the rest of the week. I said I don't want you to hold my hand for the rest of the week. I've got things to do.

I've got plans. Just just. What you call me back for.

She said. I know where there's free. Chocolate.

And free drinks. And free biscuits. And free.

Crisps. I said. Okay I'm listening.

So she led me by the hand. I forgot about it. When she said she wasn't hold my hand.

And when I said I didn't want her to hold my hand. Because now I was thinking. The same thing she was thinking.

Free chocolate. It wasn't just us two. There was another person came in as well.

I think they found us. A couple of days later doing it. And we brought them into the gang.

Anyway. She had the key. I don't know how she had it.

But she had the key to the tuck shop. She opened the door. We went in.

We had a feast. A feast I tell you. And.

I think on the. After about a few days of doing this. The.

I think the janitor might have caught us. Or it might have been the head teacher. Someone.

Someone caught us in the act. And the next day. Police.

Turned up at school. I couldn't believe it honestly. It was a police person.

It was a man. In a police uniform. And a male.

I guess. He got me to. It was embarrassing.

He said. Oh we have. I'm here.

To tell you. About stealing and theft. And how it's wrong.

And it was basically. He was. Lecturing.

The room. While the people in the room. And then he said.

I'd like the following people to stand up. Which included me and two others. My girlfriend.

We were destined to be together forever. Obviously. Didn't happen though for some reason.

And. And then there was another person. Came.

Who was also he. But he got caught up in it. He got caught up.

And I weren't really part of the original gang. I think what happened is. The third person.

Started blabbering their mouth. And told other people. And.

You know word got out. Free tuck shop. Free food.

Free sweets. And that kind of ruined everything. The teachers found out and they come and nabbed us.

So the next day I said the police is standing there. In front of everyone. And they didn't stand up.

And the other two people. And we had to. Basically say sorry.

And admit to what we've done. In front of everyone. It wasn't the.

Highlight of my life. If I'm honest. Now I thought I was going to get in trouble.

I assumed that the police were going to knock on my. I mean they might have done. I just didn't.

Because it's very early days and maybe. My dad just like. I don't remember ever hearing anything at home.

But we'd only been living with them for. A few months. With my dad and his wife.

At this point. And the. Well could explain why I got taken out of the school.

Maybe I was expelled. I didn't realize it. So yeah I didn't hear anything more about it after that.

Yeah I didn't get in trouble. But then I wouldn't have expect. I wouldn't have known what because.

At that time. Getting in trouble was not getting told off. Because I used to live with nuns.

And they didn't just tell you off. You know. So there's a lot more involved.

So I think I was a bit worried about what was going to happen. But then nothing. Nothing did happen.

So on that occasion. So that's two events. Where I had the police involved.

Like directly giving me attention. And the third one where the police didn't come. But they should have done.

Because I wouldn't have been me. In trouble and I would have been the farmer. But I didn't get a police record for either of those.

There was one time that I nearly. I thought I was going to get arrested. When a friend of mine when I was 16.

He turned up. On my doorstep with a black. Bin bag full of cigarettes.

I'm talking packets of cigarettes. Like. 100 150 packs.

A lot of cigarettes. And the idea is we were going to sell them. He said he got them off a friend.

So. And this was when I was living with. In.

I wasn't living above the flats at the time. I was living. With my stepmom.

So. I think you might have had two bags. Two black bags.

So we put them. We hid them into the garage downstairs. There's a like garage that wasn't really being used.

We hid them down there. And. I figured they were dodgy but not.

As dodgy as they was. So we go around trying to sell them in the pubs. And what outside the pubs.

Because we weren't really allowed in the pubs. Sold a few. Smoked a few.

And then he knocks on my door. We might come into my workplace. Probably about a week.

Maybe five days later. Saying we got to get rid of the cigarettes. I said why? He said it was.

An off license got done over. They were robbed from an off license. At the weekend.

That's where they came from. This is going to sound weird. We literally traveled.

All around the town. Putting the cigarettes down the drains. Putting them into little bins.

And just spreading it out to get rid of them. Because we just expected any minute. For the police to knock on the door.

To get in trouble for theft. Which we could have had. Handling stolen goods or whatever.

But it was a real possibility. But I hadn't stolen anything. I didn't know they were stolen.

I thought they were just. What is it called? Not smuggled in. But brought in from abroad.

Cheaper. Mind you why would he get them for free? Didn't really think it through did I? Why would he have like 200 packs. Of cigarettes.

For free. Unless it was something dodgy. But to be honest.

I was 15 years old at the time. So I didn't. I didn't really.

I didn't think about it. I didn't really know how things worked. I didn't know how to pay for stuff.

I did steal once. Anyway nothing happened from that. Thankfully.

I did sell a stolen fridge. Freezer. It wasn't stolen.

It was basically. Broken to order. From a shop.

It was a delivery driver. They used to. They could chuck stuff away that was damaged.

And. I don't know if they were just saying it. Kind of bravado.

You know. That they. Used the fridge freezer.

For £15. And I sold it for. £45.

Again you know. I think I was 16 at the time. That was my best sell ever.

And I was just over the moon. The bloke paid by cheque as well. Which is not a good move.

To accept a cheque. So it wasn't stolen from someone. But it was from a. Dodgy goods from a. From a shop.

Blimey I'm opening up on my. Criminal career. I mean that was something.

I was desperate for money. Hardly any money for food. And all the other excuses.

It wasn't my fault. Everyone else's fault but mine. But it was damaged.

And they were going to chuck it out anyway. Kind of yeah. Oh my goodness I'm a thief.

What other things did I steal? I didn't. I used to like to steal stuff off teachers. Like staplers things like that.

So I'd go up to a teacher. It was basically just a magic trick. Distract them.

Distract them with your left hand. And then do what you want with your right hand. Kind of get them looking over there.

So I could. Take the stapler or. Their calculator off the teachers desk.

And then. I would just hide it somewhere else. What I like to do.

So it wasn't really stealing. What I like to do is. Take something.

So talk to a teacher. Take something off their desk. And then put it into one of their drawers.

While I was talking to them. While I was like distracting them. For something that was going over there.

And then. Then actually once it backfired. Because usually the teacher said.

Who's got my. Calculator. Who's got the stapler.

And then. I said nope. Because there was nothing.

I got nothing. Because I kind of got known for. Being a bit naughty.

I think the worst one was when the teacher stood up. And said okay that's it. I've had enough of this.

Who's got my desk. Who took all my clothes. Where's my car gone.

My house. Where's my house. That didn't happen.

I've had enough of this. You're not leaving. Until I get my calculator back.

You're not leaving. Because it was like Friday evening. It was a last lesson maths.

I liked messing with the maths teacher. She didn't like me. It was a mutual dislike.

She didn't respect me. So I didn't respect her. That's always been the way with me.

If someone shows me disrespect. I automatically. Even when I was a little child.

Back then I'd be rude. I wouldn't be rude now. I'd just kind of keep away from the person.

Back then I was. Rude. Verbally.

Cheeky. Cheeky rather more than rude I guess. And.

What she did. She said that's it. None of you are leaving.

Until I get my calculator back. Everyone in the class looked at me. Me.

It's up his sleeves. Miss. It's not up me sleeves.

Why is your sleeves so straight and hard. I said that's not. I've been wiping my nose on it for over the last month.

I said oh gross. I said yeah don't worry about it. Just get on with your own life.

Judge yourself. She said okay. And so I said Miss.

It's in his bag. I said it's not in my bag. It's all in magazines.

Martial art magazines. See there's nothing in there. Just magazines with men.

Topless men. With very few clothes on. Dancing around.

Nothing weird about that. And then so I said. Sir.

I think maybe it's underneath his desk. Why are you saying sir. Like.

Eric. Why are you saying sir. I don't know.

I don't want to assume. I said it's 1985 or 4 or whatever it is. It's weird.

Why. I don't know. I'm just progressive I guess.

I just like to show everyone respect. And. And you don't.

I said okay fair enough. But the teacher was keeping us there. You know the whole thing is like.

I thought I'd get in there before she did. I shouted out. It's your own time you're wasting.

She didn't like that. She just sat there. What's weird is there's nothing she could have done if we had just got up and left.

I don't know why she. It's like there's zero. You know there's like probably 20 kids.

Could just get up and. I mean I thought about climbing out the window. In fact I've done that in the past.

So. In the end. She's like my calculator.

I'm not going home without my calculator. So I guess she needed she had things to add up when she got home. And in the end I had to kind of give the game away.

But I tried to do it in a kind of more covert way. I said miss. She said yes juicy.

I said. Miss. Is it on your desk.

She said no you can see it's not on my desk. My desk is clear. There's nothing on my desk.

I said OK. Is it under your desk. She said no it's not under my desk.

But this time she looked. She didn't look on top of her desk. But she looked under the desk.

Just briefly. Almost like a little bit unsure. Is it on your head.

She said no it's not on my head. Just in case it was balancing I guess. Because then she'd have felt it fall off.

Is it behind you. She said this is not pantomime juicy JJ. This is a real situation.

And don't be telling this story in the future and elaborating. And making me out to look stupid. OK.

I said I wouldn't. Why would I do that. She said well I don't know if you start doing podcasts or something.

But they don't exist yet. She said you would have done that joke earlier. And it wasn't funny then.

I said true. I'm sorry. So I said why.

I said I didn't do it. I didn't do it in that podcast. She said you did it about the phone didn't you.

You know when your brothers were in the field. The farm and stuff and a gun. Wow you've got a good memory.

That was hours ago. She said yeah well. I've got nothing else to do.

I said OK. So I said well if you tried looking in your drawer. In your drawers.

I said drawers to start with. And she said that's very rude. How you should not say that to a woman.

A lady. I said I don't mean your drawers as in your underwear. I mean the drawers in your desk.

And she said oh OK. And she opened the drawer. But she opened the wrong one.

She said nope. Everyone laughed. And she said I'm still waiting for it.

I said I don't have your drawers. She said I'm not checking all of them. There's six drawers.

I said well maybe check. The one on the other side. Just a random one.

Maybe the first one that comes to mind. Perhaps the one at the top. She said that was a bit specific.

I said it's worth a try. So she did that. And oh there it is.

How did that get in there. OK. And again.

Everyone looked at me. I mean it's not thieving if you give it back. It's not thieving if you never take it really.

Is it? If you move something from there to there. You've moved. You haven't stolen it.

You've just moved it. That's how I used to perceive it when I was younger. So.

Another thing I used to do. When I was with my step mum. The one.

The one that we was with. When I was seven. That's it.

I used to pretend I needed the toilet. When we was in town. So I could go into the women's toilets.

Yeah. Don't know why I'm telling you that. It's just true.

I didn't like the men's toilets. I liked the women's toilets. Because I was so super cute.

Everyone would be. Oh he's so cute. Is he yours? And she said no he's not mine.

I'm not old enough. I'm only 21 years old. He's seven.

I used to love hearing that. He's not mine. Does he look like me? That was brilliant.

That was. I remember I got to a point when I was too old. Like no.

You can't take you in there anymore. It was a sad time. That was kind of a bit just like.

You know I knew I was too old. I knew. I had a beard.

I mean I knew. But it was just like. Oh but I enjoyed this time together.

Because she just let me in. She'd just stand outside while I was in the toilet. She'd come inside the toilet.

Like the toilet toilet. Not the actual toilet. Not the stall or whatever you want to call it.

Anyway. Next question. Have I ever been arrested? No.

That was just a no question. A no answer. And I managed to talk a little bit about it.

Also have you still got your red coat? Well I think. If you think about this. I think you're talking about when I was at Butlins.

I never got a red coat. But there is a true story about this. Because I was there at Christmas.

During the Christmas season. They weren't hiring anyone. I think it was.

They weren't doing it until the new year. And I found this out. Because a couple of people said.

You should become a red coat. And I said I'd like to. And it's because I was.

They said I was funny. And I used to do karaoke. And they thought I'd be quite good at it.

But this next bit sounds like it's made up. It's because it is. No it sounds made up.

But it's not. It's absolutely true. It was the weekend.

It was in the afternoon. I think it was during the. Might have been during the Christmas break.

So it was just before the Christmas started. The season started or something. And.

I. I said no. No. I'd like to be a. I have a yellow coat.

A red coat. I think red coat. I'd like to be.

But I didn't have the confidence. Even though I'd spent. Years doing comedy.

Going on stage. I didn't really. If that was more.

Very. Just standing telling jokes. Or doing one liners.

To actually go on and be entertaining. And. I might have been better at that to be honest.

If I just could have just had. Be myself and playing around and having fun. That would have.

Possibly been a hell of a lot more. Fun and interesting to do. And a good learning experience.

Anyway. I said no. No I can't.

You know what they did? They grabbed me. And it was about. Six friends that I was drinking with.

They picked me up. And it sounds like a lie. But it's true.

They physically picked me up and carried me. Into. Through the street.

Through the streets. But he carried me from where I was in the bar. To the.

Red coat. Place wherever the. The place that they were in charge of.

That section of entertainment. And they. Sat me down.

They put me down on my feet. And I said. He'd like to apply to become a red coat.

And the lady was there said no. We're not taking applications. At the moment.

Now considering the build up. And I think they were chanting. How amazing I was.

I've added that bit. And there was fireworks going off in the background. Again.

Might not have happened that way. There were mermaids kissing. And.

On a couple of chairs. But again. That did actually happen.

But the rest. I was carried. They did carry me.

But it was for nothing. Because there was no job to have. There was no audition.

They said if you come back next year. Maybe January. Or maybe April or something.

For the next season. I guess. The next season starts in April.

I suppose. So yeah. I didn't ever get a red coat.

I left. Just. Before.

New Year's Eve. Yeah I came back before New Year's Eve. I was supposed to be there till January.

And. So yeah. I kind of.

I do wonder how my life would have been. If I'd stuck around at Butlins. I forgot I even worked there.

Until you mentioned that. I completely forgot about Butlins. That's a whole story in itself.

A whole story. Blimey. So yeah.

I. Didn't get a red coat. But that is what happened. They did.

I did get taken. But carried. Genuinely carried.

By a bunch of lads. Maybe a couple of girls as well. To this place.

Because I had my own little. I was a little bit of a butterfly. I'd go between groups.

So I got to know quite a few different people. I was quite friendly. I don't know why.

But I also had my own little group as well. People I worked with. Because I was in one of the bars.

So there was a lot of people who worked in the bar. There was probably. I don't know.

Fifteen people. Between the three bars in the thing. So I got to know quite a few people.

Also knew. There was a people that I lived with. My neighbours.

Like close next to me. Because we were all in like these. Rooms.

Sharing bedrooms with people. Two rooms. Two beds to a room.

So I got to know quite a few people. That I shared that block with. And then I got to know.

I guess I got to know other people as well. Just from friends of friends. You know.

Got to know quite a few of the cleaners. And. So yeah.

And maybe some of the catering staff as well. So I can kind of go between. Between like places.

Between tables. And say hello to everyone. But then I'd end up in my own little.

Group. Kind of. Or big group.

I don't know. So yeah. And I remember once I was.

I'd run out of tobacco. So I was taking apart cigarette butts. To make a roll up.

And someone. Was on another table slagging me off. Because it's disgusting.

Which it is. I mean it's not something that anyone would necessarily choose to do. But.

I'd run out of money and whatever. Couldn't get any. So.

And. What this person didn't realize. That everyone else on the table was my friend.

So they all had a go at him. They told me afterwards. And he.

He nearly got in trouble. Not from me but from other people. Because they didn't like the fact that he was being horrible about me.

How weird. It's strange. But.

I was. Oh I reckon. I'm pretty sure.

Actually I know now. I was on a bit of. What do you want to call it.

A high. When I was there. Manic-E kind of thing.

I was on no medication at all. Never have. Ever had.

No wait a minute. No I had had medication for depression. I was on.

Antidepressants. In. I think it would be.

Late summer. Or middle summer. 1995.

So I'd been ill for about 10 months. With. Serious stomach problems.

Which turned out to be. According to the experts. Stress related.

And as soon as I got into the antidepressants. Within about two weeks. All cleared up.

And then after a while. I didn't like being. Sleepy part of the.

Medication. So in the end I stopped taking them. And.

I felt better. Like a bit more. Within myself you know.

Bit more back to being me. When I was at Butlins. I was on a bit of a high.

Probably a bit of mania going on there. I also hit a low as well. Which is why I left.

So I was being super social. Super friendly. Yeah.

Which is not really me. It is me sometimes. I'm not like horrible.

I'm not super unfriendly. I'll say hello to anyone I don't care. Now.

Never used to. Not when I lived in London. But.

So back then I wasn't really like that. I didn't used to say hello to people. But for some reason when I got to Butlins.

Working there. Talking to someone I didn't know. It.

Kind of forced me to drop my barriers a bit. Yeah. I got another question just come through as well.

From. Hillary. Okay so.

I'll answer that question now. Have you ever done any Coda stuff? Or read any Melody Beattie books? No. I don't know what that is.

Coda. Coda. Coming of age.

Coming of age drama. What? Coda. Just a movie come up.

Okay. Actually if I put in Melody Beattie. Is it Melody Beattie you said? Melody Beattie.

No. I've not heard of that I don't think. Right.

Melody Beattie. Right. Codependent.

Yeah. I very much understand codependence. Well.

As far as my friend. My former. You know my friend that used to be downstairs.

I was a very. A very codependent relationship. It was.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Well yeah. I've not. I've not read any Melody Beattie books.

I might have a look into that. See if there's anything on Kindle I can get. And maybe have a read.

Because. Maybe I'm being the one that's codependent. Almost trying to.

Maybe attaching myself to someone. That's got nothing to do with my friend. But just the fact that she lives.

In the same places where he lived. Maybe I thought I'd be somehow. Be closer to him again.

But. It's not the case. Right.

So the next question. Is from Robin. Pros and cons of living in the UK.

Okay. So. I might go to a toilet.

Before I answer this one. I'll go do a wee wee. This is going to be a long.

Long recording. And it's going to take me. A long time to edit.

But it's worth it isn't it. Hey. Hey boys and girls.

Isn't it worth it. I don't know. I hope that.

My. My concern is that sometimes the questions. And I'm not blaming anyone.

But saying sometimes questions. I might go into a different. A different direction to.

Perhaps what I would. Into areas that I normally. Try and stay away from.

Sometimes. And. So I do get a bit caught up in.

The truth. Maybe sometimes. Although it's not all based.

I mean some of it's silly as well. So I don't know. Hey.

I was thinking about. Next week. Doing some recordings.

Because I started thinking about America. The UK. And doing a guide.

A holiday visitors guide. For. People.

Not just Americans. Anyone basically coming to. To England.

To. I'll speak about England rather than Wales or Scotland or. Northern Ireland or other places where.

They're still classed as UK. Even though there's a sea between us. Like the Isle of Man or the.

Isle of Wight. Or the. Trying to think.

There's a few different places isn't there. Quite a few islands off of Scotland as well. There might be some off of Wales.

UK. But I'll go England. So that's what I'll focus on.

That's my. This is kind of my domain. I know a little bit about England.

I've lived around. Been around different places. Been to Wales quite a few times when I was a kid.

And. I think I lived in Scotland for a little while. When I was a kid as well.

But where didn't I live when I was a kid. I moved around a little bit. When I was very little.

So. Yeah. I'm going to have a quick.

Quick little break. And I come back to this. Because.

I take. Take the. Take the vidster for.

A little. Outside jaunt into the garden. Just to give him a little.

Opportunity to go for a wee wee. So I'll be back shortly. Ah.

I'm back. I'm back baby. So.

Regarding. Codependency. I was just thinking about it.

When I was in the garden just now. I. I suppose. I suppose for codependency to work.

It kind of. On some level needs to go both ways. Maybe.

Hmm. Because I like. Well I used to like.

Helping people. And with my friend I do. Well not just him but anyone really around here.

I try and help him. Just trying to think maybe that's what I was getting out of it. I think with my friend though.

I'd invested so much. Emotionally over the years in him. Trying to help.

Failing. Time and time again. But trying to help.

And. I don't know. My focus was on him a lot of the time.

To the exclusion of. Past friendships. That kind of is sort of.

Dwindled away a little bit in real life. Hmm. Something to ponder on.

So. A few more questions. Where is it.

Right. Frozen cons of living in the UK. From Robin.

And then Diane has got one. And that'll be the end of this Q&A Friday. And you'll be glad to hear.

So frozen cons of living in the UK. It's hard to answer that. Because I'm not.

I did live in Ireland for a while. But I've not lived in another country. Properly.

For any long length of time. To compare. So I'm going to do my comparison.

Based on. My. I'm going to say limited knowledge.

My knowledge from watching the news. From what I've heard people say. About their countries.

So. The first thing that comes to mind. As far as pros.

What does cons stand for? I know what it means. But what. Pros is obviously what's the good things.

And cons the negatives. Cons. Cons meaning.

Cons opinion against. Okay. Arguments or opinions against something.

Okay. So pros is for against. Cons or contra is against.

I knew what it meant. But I just didn't know what it meant. If that makes sense.

The origin. Of the word. I thought this was short for constipation.

So. Pros and constipations of living in the UK. Well.

The first pro I would say. Would be the National Health Service. The NHS.

The. Ability to. Not get into huge debt.

Or to be turned away from a hospital. Because. The insurance isn't okay.

Isn't enough. Isn't correct. Or you know.

And I hear stories about that in America. I don't know how true it is. I've had.

Because you know. When I started doing all this online stuff. I was very much focused on.

Chronic pain relief. So I had a lot of people that had pain issues. Pain conditions.

That would listen to me. About the. Their own country and how.

There's one lady. She said. This is over a decade ago now.

She told me that. Because she'd previously. Previously had an issue.

With drugs. In her younger life. When she was in her 20s or something.

Now she was in her 40s or 50s. She had. A very.

Painful physical condition. And there was a big red mark on her. On her medical file.

And they refused. The hospital refused to give her. Pain relief.

Medication. Because she was down as being. Either an addict.

Former maybe. Or drug user or whatever. So someone that.

They wouldn't give pain medication to. Now I don't know if it's the same thing. In this country it might well be.

I don't know. But that was that seemed shocking. I understand.

If. Someone's known. For.

Pretending to have pain. In order to get pain relief. In order to get your narcotics.

If someone's you know. Coming in every every night. Into the hospital.

And they're known for that. They sort of kind of. I kind of get.

Why perhaps they wouldn't get treated. In the way that they want. But even then.

You know we're talking about human beings. So. The NHS.

Free at use. There's no charges. And it's all paid for.

With taxes and everything like that. So everyone kind of pays. And we're all taxed on everything we.

Pretty much buy. People that aren't paying tax through working. They're still paying tax through what they purchase.

What they buy. So the money still goes back. You know the source as it were.

Kind of. Then he's trying to find stuff to. Steal off the top.

He's. He's so naughty. He does it in front of me though.

If he thinks I'm not looking at him. I'm looking at you Vinnie. But.

He's got a permanent frown. His eyebrows. Permanent frown on his face.

You look so worried. Oh I haven't had anything in my mouth. For at least 10 minutes.

You don't have to eat all day long. No I don't. It doesn't matter about my tummy.

About how big it is. He's rude. So.

The positives I would say. It's. This is going to be like.

Probably on the pros and cons. But guns. We don't really have.

Much in the way of gun crime. In the UK. There is gun crime.

But generally not compared to. Some other countries. That have more guns.

Because the general public. Are not allowed to have guns. The only.

Members of the public. I think really. Those that are a member of a. Like a rifle club.

Or a gun club. And. It's very strict.

And they have to have. Pretty big. There's big laws surrounded by it.

And although we have had. Shush mate. Stop moaning.

We have had. Events. You know involving.

People going on rampages. That have happened in this country. It's really rare.

Like really rare. It's awful when it happens of course. But it's very very.

Unusual for something like that. To happen. Like on a big scale I mean.

Pros and cons. In a way I'd quite like to have a gun. He's annoying me now.

Why is your nose so wet? Why is your nose so wet eh? He gets so bored. He does I know he does. He gets bored he's like.

He's not sleepy now. So he doesn't want to go to sleep. He wants to do something.

He's just been in the garden. So that's probably perked him up. Giving him a little bit of.

Energy or stimulation. Or something. And now we come back.

And I'm talking into this. Thing that he doesn't. Probably know what it is.

Talking to myself again. And he doesn't know what to do. He's had his dinner.

And he wants to do something. What can we do? Because I'm busy. I'm busy.

Yes I am. I'm busy. And you've got toys down there.

You can play with. He doesn't bother though. He's not really that bothered about toys.

Only sometimes. He just prefers to. Go O.U.T. Really that's his main thing.

He loves to do. So yeah. Pros of living in the UK.

So kind of it is a con as well. Not having. There's no way that we can defend ourselves.

In this country. Can't defend ourselves. If somebody decides to.

Attack someone. They've got the upper hand. Every single time.

Like in other countries. Where other people are carrying guns. Someone carrying a gun.

Hasn't necessarily. Got the upper hand. If someone else has got a gun as well.

But here. Nobody. No one can walk around with a gun.

Unless they're police. You can't walk down the street. With a gun unless you're.

Like in the army or in the police. That's it. Or diplomat.

I don't know what those kinds of people. The average person. Cannot walk around the street.

There's holding a gun. Because they get caught. They're gonna go to prison for a long time.

And when you get I think seven years. I think you can get anything up to seven years. If you get caught with a knife.

Or a bladed instrument. So a gun. I dare to think.

I'm not sure what that would be. But we can't defend ourselves. Around.

I'm not saying I want to walk around. With a samurai sword. I quite quite like to really.

It'd be nice to know. To have a little bit of security. I mean there's a certain amount of.

Self-defense you can learn. And. You know when you're young.

You can run. That's not an option anymore for me really. I can't.

I'm not gonna outrun someone in their 20s. I could. Because I could.

Run. I was able to run. And a bit of self-defense and stuff.

But really it's just luck of the draw now. There's no way. You can't really prepare for it.

Unless you don't go out. If you live in a city. If you live in a place.

Even here this is a city now. And weird things happen all the time. It's like.

It's just random. That's one of the things I don't like. It's becoming a bit more aggressive in this country.

Than it used to be. I think. I'm not a big fan of the racism.

That's one of the. It's quite a racist country. It's a lot of hidden racism though.

Or. Let's not use the word racism. Use the word.

Prejudice I would say. Prejudice. A lot of prejudice.

Including people that are perfectly nice. And you just go below. You get to chatting to them.

And they're like anti-immigration or. Anti. Whatever.

And I'm not really. I think I like to make fun of everything. If I can.

I'm not really anti anything. Apart from. Serious crimes towards people.

I'm anti that. I'm anti. People hurting children.

Or anyone really. Adults, men, women. I'm anti that.

I'm anti war. I'm anti the horrible stuff. But I'm not anti someone's skin color.

Or sexuality. Or. Personality traits or.

You know even. There's. A lot of prejudice against people like me.

I know you might think. What you mean super sexy men. Super sexy.

Super sexy men. What did I say men like that. Super sexy men.

Super sexy. Men. So yeah.

Not just like. Gorgeous love gods like me. But people with.

You know mental. Well now it's called mental health. So someone's ill.

Get that. If someone went to a hospital. And they were ill.

You wouldn't be saying that they've got. Physical health would you. You would say oh.

They've got physical health. No they've got a physical illness. But with mental.

Health. Or mental illness. It's now called mental health issues.

And it went from being. Mentally ill. To which is a bit harsh.

Hasn't quite a nice. Hasn't got a nice ring to it. And then people with mental health.

Difficulties or. Mental health issues. To just being.

People with mental health. Which is the opposite. To what they've got.

It's not mental health they've got. It's the opposite to that. And even advocates.

I've even seen people. That work for charities like. Mind talking about.

Mental health. People with mental health. Is it that difficult just to add on.

Struggles or illness. Or difficulties. Is it that difficult to turn.

Does it have to be two words. Everything doesn't have to be. A soundbite.

Which is quite a good soundbite. So yeah. A lot of prejudices in this country.

But it's very hidden. I think. It's not so hidden.

In some other countries. So I'm not comparing. I'm saying here it's.

I didn't realize. I was. Anti prejudiced.

Until I was older. Because. I was raised to be prejudiced.

I was raised in the 70s. It was racist. Homophobic.

Anti. Yeah. Anti everything really.

But a lot of it was making fun of people. But it was. Very.

Very not open minded. So. And I lived in a. When I was from the ages of 7 to.

16. 17. 18 whatever.

I lived in a predominantly white town. I'm talking. You know the only people.

The only Chinese people you'd see. The ones in the Chinese. Takeaways and restaurants.

The only Indian people see is in the Indian restaurants. You know it's that kind of situation. It's very.

The most un multicultural place. I've ever been. So my benefit.

Was the benefit I had is I'd lived. In a more multicultural situation. When I was in a children's home.

In Southend. My girlfriend was black. And.

I had some black friends because. They were orphans. It was a big big family were living with us.

So my family. I had two brothers and I think it was. Three or four of them.

All part of a family. And the little girl. Who was probably older than me to be fair.

Not a lot in it I don't think. She. Her sister.

One of her sisters thought I was being racist. To her. So I said can I. Can I comb your hair.

I said I want to comb her hair. And then the other sister said no. The older sister said no she's not being racist.

He's just interested. And the little girl didn't know how to kind of. If I was being rude or whatever I didn't know what racist was.

I didn't know what it meant. And. I wanted to comb her hair because I liked her.

And she had different hair to me. Not by a lot. I had very curly hair anyway.

But her curls were a lot smaller. Mine was just like more wavy curly. And she had this wooden comb.

That she used to put in the back of her head. Not in her head in her hair rather. That'd be weird if she stuck it into the back of her head.

And I asked her if I could. I think it was not wood. I think it was made of bone or something.

Or it might have been wood. But anyway she said. She let me do it.

So I used to do that. I used to brush her hair. And she was my girlfriend.

For pretty much. For a while. And.

So I didn't have that kind of. Mentality of. There was no difference to me.

I could see physical differences. Only in like. The hair really.

Because she had different hair to mine. But a lot of people had different hair to mine. I went nowhere near him.

I kept that prejudiced. And I haven't. I'm joking.

But a lot of. Ginges. I used to be ginger.

I used to be partly ginger. So I am not gingerist. I was.

I was. My hair was kind of a little bit ginger. And I've got Irish side of my family.

Celtic side. So. One of my.

One of my nan's brothers was ginger. And. Three of my cousin's kids.

Are ginger. So it just shows you. The gene is there.

And. Defending myself then. But I didn't really understand.

Like. I understand making fun of things. I used to love that.

When I was a kid. Nothing was really off. Off the table.

Regarding that. Whether it was someone's height. Their weight.

Anything. Mannerisms. The one thing I didn't make fun of people of.

Was. Horrible stuff. So.

There was a kid at school. That everyone said always smells of wee. Piss.

Wee wee. So I said I'll sit next to him. And.

My friend said you are him. No. So I sat next to him.

And I didn't care. Because I got on really well with him. I didn't care that maybe he smelled of wee wee.

Because. I'd lived. In a room where kids were in their beds.

I was used to being around that. From an early age. So I didn't.

Things like that didn't care me. I didn't care when people were cruel. To someone because of how they smelled.

Or how they looked. Make someone. If someone's tall or make someone.

That's kind of fair. But not. Like physical appearance.

Not if it's. For example. I had a friend.

I've always been probably quite prone. To being friends of people that are. In need of a little bit of help.

Even though I was in need of help. I had a friend when I was. Just before I was eight.

Between seven. About eight years old. Just before I was eight.

Called Andrew. And he had one kidney I think. And he had a bag.

I didn't know what it really was. To be honest with you. But I knew he had a bag.

And this. Kid. Was making fun of him.

Like really being cruel to him. Did something about it. Because I stood up for my friend.

Because it was just. It was just so horrible. But even when I was in insurance.

There was this. Young lad and he was a lot. Probably about ten years younger than me.

And he. The staff were moaning. That he smelled of wee.

I'm trying to think. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one that smells of wee.

Everyone else was getting blamed for it. And they were like. Everyone was complaining.

And they went and took him into the office. And warned him. And what I remembered was.

My friend. At school. What if he's got a bag.

What if he's only got one kidney. You know. He's sitting down all day.

What if there was an accident. It's not his fault. So my brain went.

And I was friends with him. He got sacked in the end. They found an excuse to get rid of him.

And it was a silly excuse. And it wasn't. You know.

If I'd have done what he did. I'd have got away with it. Other people would have got away with it.

But because they wanted him out. They got rid of him. And it's just not fair.

So I didn't like that. There was another person who smelled of garlic. So it was his own fault.

So like. Can you say something to him. Like no.

No. I don't care. I'm not sitting next to him.

If he smells of garlic. Because he's been eating food from garlic. Then.

Get used to it. Because you know. What's weird about this.

Because this is in Essex. Right. If you're going to be offended by someone smelling of the food that they eat.

Then. You know. You can't live in London.

Because there's so many different smells. Lots of different food being eaten. Lots of different herbs and spices.

It's. Not everybody eats. Sausages.

And mash. And pies. And fish and chips.

You know in London. And. You know if you get on a tube station.

A tube train. It stinks sometimes. Of just the people.

Lots of different people. Including myself. I probably was the smelliest one.

Covers me on that one. And I was like. Oh he smells of garlic.

Well. Blimey. If that's your biggest worry in life.

Is that one. And then. They moved in next to me.

I was straight in the office. I can't. It stinks.

He stinks of garlic. I can't work with him. Got to sack him.

And they got rid of him. So that was okay. I changed my mind very quickly.

No. That last bit didn't happen. There was one really funny thing.

And that's not really related to this. We were on this training. Sales training course.

Which I didn't need. No one really needed it. But for some reason.

The company. Even though it was about to be. Like make.

Made everyone bankrupt. Kick everyone out. Lose their jobs.

They still got in this in house. Sales training thing. And they wanted us to.

Instead of just reading the script out. Like asking question after question after question. So the first question.

You have to read a little script. And then you go. So can I take your name.

Date of birth. All that stuff. Yeah.

But what they did a training. And they said we need to. Once you read the script.

Start saying like. Soft. They called it soft skills.

Which is something that I would do anyway. Naturally. I would.

Because I like to make the call last as long as possible. So I didn't have to do as much work. And.

The you know. Build rapport. And that was something I could do.

I don't know how I could do it but I could do it. But they were trying to. Teach us to do this.

Trying to like. Make us do something different. Even though what 80% of the people.

On the sales floor were good. You know. The other 20%.

Probably weren't going to last anyway. So anyway. So we do this.

They teach us like. Once you read the script out. Ask them how the day is.

How's your day? And there was a list of questions. But soft questions. How are you doing today? Are you well? Is it a nice day? And ask them about their local football team.

Ask them what the weather's like where they are. You know something like that. Like a generic kind of thing.

And. And then we have to practice on each other. So I'm with one of my colleagues.

And we're in this room. On our own. And we're practicing.

I do my bit first. And I go through the whole script. The whole.

All the questions. But I do soft. Soft skills as they call it.

Between. And just like. Try and include the questions within.

That's who I worked with. He did the script first. You know the first like you know.

Discourse recorded. Blah blah blah. And then.

So how's. How you doing today? Are you okay? Or how's your day so far? Is it okay if I call you sir? Call you mister? Or call you James or whatever. And no my name's Paul.

Okay. So I said. So he asked me that.

He said how are you today? I said I'm fine thanks good. He said so what's the weather like where you are? He said. And I said oh it's a bit raining.

And then he goes right into the script like. What's your name? What's your date of birth? And it's like. It's so quick.

It goes to be really gentle to. What's your name? What's your date of birth? Because it was a complete. Opposite to what.

They were teaching us. Because I've never worked like that. I've never just read the script out.

Unless it's someone I didn't enjoy talking to. Or they were rude right at the beginning. Saying get on with it.

So I go. I go either way. When I had someone that was saying get on with it.

I'm in a hurry. I ain't got time to just chat or whatever. I'd either go either slower.

Or I would just get it done quick. Depending on what mood I was in. Because either way.

I wasn't going to get the sale. Because I didn't like. They clearly didn't like me.

Usually in that situation. And. It was just so funny.

It's hard to really relay how funny it was. When he did that though. It was like really.

Hey how you doing? You okay? Nice weather yeah? Did you watch the football last night? And. He said I was. Is it you going to be.

You going to be watching Wimbledon this year? And something like that. And then straight away. So what's your date of birth? What's the registration number of your car? I don't know.

It was funny at the time. It's a long time ago. 11 years ago.

But I just found it hilarious. At the time. Really hilarious.

I don't know. There you go. So pros and cons of living in the UK.

Pros and cons. I think the NHS. I guess.

If I was living. There's a lot of countries. If I was living in.

I would be probably homeless. Living on the streets begging. So.

I'm very lucky to be living in a country. That looks after. People like me.

I know it's not a physical disability. But it is still a disability. So.

Not just legally and officially. But it is. I noticed the other day.

This is so ridiculous. I run out of toilet paper. Not all.

There was some on top of the. The cabinet in the bathroom. I'm standing there.

All I'm doing is just. Blowing my nose. I don't know why I'm talking about blowing my nose.

I don't like to blow my nose in public. I don't know why I'm talking about it. But anyway.

It comes to the end of the thing. I'm like. Oh.

All it is is a stretch. It's just me to reach my hand up. And pull down the packet.

And just take one of the rolls out of the packet. I had to force myself to do it. I genuinely didn't want to do it.

Like. It felt like. It was a task.

And that's really strange. Sometimes. The most simple things.

Are really hard. You know. Sometimes I want to.

I want to have a sandwich. I want to make myself some toast. That means I've got to wash up a plate.

I can't face doing that. Not every day. I'm just saying sometimes.

To an extent where I just won't eat. It's just. There's been times when I've ordered the takeaway.

Because I can't face going into the kitchen. And washing up a plate. And preparing.

Like putting some toast in a toaster. And it's not laziness. It's probably.

It seems like laziness. But I'm not actually a lazy person. Most of the time.

I've had my lazy moments. But it's almost. An inability to function.

Kind of. Sometimes. I say sometimes because it's not every day.

It's not all day every day. But when it happens. Blimey.

And it happens a bit too often. For my liking. So one of the pros is.

I am. Kind of looked after. There is a mental health team.

And this is next. The next question is going to cover this. So I won't go into that yet.

But I was looked after. By the mental health team. This time.

I say this time. It was like nine years ago. But.

I. Okay. I didn't. I think one of the benefits I had.

Is because I was a counselor. Now. It's basically what it is.

I knew the people. Who did. What they did.

I knew the people in charge. Of some of the different services. Or that knew how the services worked.

I didn't play the game. Because I didn't know what the game was. You know.

It's not a game anyway. But I was unwell. So what I did is.

I asked for help. I went to mind. Because I was a counselor with them.

And. They were predominantly my major income. For a couple of years.

So when I got ill. Because I'd left counseling. Gone to work in a call center.

When I got ill. I went to mind. I'd already gone to the doctor.

Been going through that process and stuff. Been signed off. I actually walked into mind.

And I said look. This. Being a professional helper.

To being a client. Was. An almost impossible thing to do.

I really. Had to push. Myself from all angles to do it.

And. I felt ill doing it. And.

Really. But. I went in there and I said.

This is the situation. So. Yeah.

I managed to get some help. And they put me. They got other people involved.

And it just turned out. The social worker. That I first dealt with.

Was someone that I knew. Well that I knew. I didn't know him.

But he. Worked at mind. In a different department.

It was a different mental health charity. That I used to. Go to.

And he was. He worked there. So I used to see him.

I didn't know him. Like as a friend or anything. But I used to see him like every week.

And then he helped me to do the forms. And. The original forms and stuff.

And then. I just think they. They.

Tried to help me. And. It was a little bit.

It was a bit again. It was embarrassing with him as well. Because.

I was a counselor. But then. You know he said don't worry.

He'd been through it himself. So. And.

I can't really fault. The mental health team as far as me. Goes.

I suppose I'm doing both questions at the same time. Now Diana. At the moment it's also one of the cons.

Because. Both the NHS. The mental health team which is part of the NHS.

The crisis team. They don't have the. Resources that I used to have.

And. It's. Without being.

I don't mean this to be rude. But they did fail my friend. Not an individual person.

Not individual people failed him. But the system failed him. Because they couldn't help him.

They couldn't offer him what he needed. And. That was.

Yeah. But they did help me. At the time this was.

Nine years ago when things were a bit better. In the country. Regarding.

The services that were available. Available. So.

Pros of living in the UK. One of the pros. Well the pros it used to be good.

Is living in Europe. Having a European. Having a passport.

Which meant you could go anywhere. Pretty much in Europe. Most of Europe.

That was great. And. That's changed now.

And I know there's a lot of people. Oh good it's changed. We've got less Europeans coming there.

But I used to like Europeans coming there. I've worked with a lot of people. From all over the world.

And I've got on with most of them. Yeah I used to. I worked with a lot of Rolish.

That's my Russian and Polish. So I worked with Russian people. Polish.

Worked with people in. From Croatia. From Slovakia or whatever.

Greece. You name it. I've worked with people from Africa.

India. Pakistan. South Africa.

Germany. I've worked and dated. Not the same time.

But I've dated women from all over the world. And I've had friends with people that I've worked with. From all over the world.

And. I say I get on with them. Maybe not the women.

Because I usually it's one date. And then they don't want to see me again. And that has to do with my.

Let's just move on from that. I always got on with people. I used to quite like.

I think the reason I get on with foreign people. I say foreign people from other countries. Let's use that word.

People from other countries. Is because if they don't speak English. It takes them longer to realize.

That I'm just a bit silly. Because they might think I'm like normal. When they like talk to me.

And then after a while. They start to learn the language a bit better. And they realize.

Oh. Is that what you've been saying all along. And.

There's one African lad. Called Thomas. He used to call me Jason.

It was him. Thomas and Guy. They were both from.

They weren't from. I used to say they were from France. But they weren't.

They were part of Africa. And. Me and Thomas we used to really.

We got on. But we were always arguing. We'd nearly come to fist fights.

Because we were both kind of the same kind of age. And we used to wind each other up. He'd wind me up.

And I'd wind him up. And he'd get so angry. And I'd get angry.

It's weird. But he. There was one time.

This is around the time when. Andre. I think had just been sacked.

For throwing knives at this box thing. Not my little Andre. I talked about in a previous podcast.

And there was this bloke that was being. Shouting racist abuse at. Thomas.

Now it was kind of as a joke. But at the same time. You just wouldn't do that.

I mean you shouldn't be. This was in the early 90s. But even then it wasn't acceptable.

So what I did. Because nothing I said was going to make any difference to this bloke. He was going to do what he was going to do.

I couldn't stop him. And there's no. You can't grass each other up and stuff.

So what I thought the best thing to do. Is teach him. I taught him some words.

To say to this one. To the bloke. And he didn't like it.

When he got it back. From Thomas. When Thomas started shouting stuff at him.

That was derogatory towards him. Not only his skin colour. Because he was white.

But I started calling him Milky Bar. And. The Milky Bars were on me.

The more Thomas shouted that out. The more annoyed and red he used to get. Because it was being turned on him.

And. He. Used to call him.

Because he was big. To make fun of his weight and stuff like that. And I'd just tell him jokes.

Like fat jokes and stuff. It's wrong but. Because he was being picked on.

I helped him to fight back verbally. So. And I had.

Just all day long to think up stupid things to say about this. Silly man. And this was the other side of the room.

And Sir Thomas was like. Soaking it all up. In the end they did come to blows.

Right. And this was a big. He was a big, big strong man.

About 18, 19 stone. Thomas was taller than me. He was very slim.

So this. This bloke came at him. Right.

Come on in. Come on in. Just kicked him in the shin.

He screamed. Like argh. He said come on.

And he kicked him again. In the other leg. What you didn't know is Thomas was a martial artist.

As was Guy. I knew Guy was. I knew Thomas was as well actually.

Because I spent all day with him for months. Working with him. But I knew Guy was because we had a little spa.

And I ended up scraping his face. By accident. With my finger.

And blood was like. Right out of his face. Left him a scar.

Left a scar right near his eye. He forgave me thankfully. But I didn't mean to do it.

We were just playing around. Like kicking and you know that stuff. So I knew Guy first.

And then Thomas was Guy's friend. And Guy worked in a different department after that. But Thomas.

Honestly it was so funny to watch. I saw him again after that. And it didn't stop me messing with Thomas though.

But only like. Not in the same way. Not verbally like that.

But we used to just wind each other up. It's weird. I didn't care that he did martial arts.

I didn't care. Maybe I did. I can't remember.

But yeah. He used to blame. He could give it.

Yeah but he couldn't take it. That's the weird thing about it. With the like.

He was. I kind of taught him to give it. But he wasn't good at taking it back.

So he'd be rude to me. And he'd like. Do like a practical joke on me.

If I did it to him. The same thing. He'd absolutely lose his mind.

Like. Oh well. So that was Thomas.

Okay right. So. Pros and cons.

This could be a whole podcast on its own couldn't it. Pros and cons of living in the UK. Apart from being the greatest country on the planet.

And. The UK technically isn't a country is it. It's a group of areas.

Some separated by sea. Some parts of another country. Even.

So. I. If I go for England. The benefits.

I quite like the weather. I know it sounds weird. And a lot of people moan about the weather.

But that is the English pastime. Is to moan about the weather. And I love moaning about the weather.

I was. Born into it. And the weather is kind of a bit like me.

And I know that. Some people don't like. That's weird.

It's very intelligent the way I did that wasn't it. Sometimes. I find.

Using the word bipolar. When talking about the weather. Upset some people with bipolar.

Doesn't upset me. Because. I actually do feel that the weather is.

Very similar to my moods. Because. We can have three seasons in one day.

Sometimes four seasons in one day. It feels like that. You know it can be warm.

Then it's cold. Windy. Snowy.

All different things all in one day. But you know. Often more than two seasons.

More than one season in one day. It's rarely just one kind of. Weather pattern.

And. That's a bit like what I'm like. What's what my brain's like.

So I can go in and out of different moods. You know constantly changing. And it can.

It's almost sometimes. I go out like a puppet. And other people have got my strings.

I'm giving people the strings. So I can just pull my strings. And decide what mood I'm going to be in.

When. You know I don't need to be doing that. It's not real is it.

But I don't know what mood I'm in sometimes. I go out. And that's the difference.

If I was living with someone. I'm pretty certain I would get feedback. I would get feedback about my behaviour.

And about what I was saying. And I'd be able to tell. By how agitated I was.

From being around them. And what they were doing. You know if something they normally do.

That would normally not bother me. Is bothering me. So therefore I'm in a different kind of mood.

To what I'm normally in. Or if you know whatever. Or I don't care about something.

That normally I care about. And they're pointing that out to me. Well you was really upset about that yesterday.

Now it's like you find it funny. So I'm not always in touch. With how I'm feeling.

I feel like I am. But then I go out and I meet someone. I see someone in a petrol station.

And maybe for example. I'm paying for something. And they walk up right behind me.

They don't go in queue. There's no queue. But they don't go around the right way.

And they just literally stand inches from my back. I was going to say it gets my back up. That's a bit of a pun isn't it.

But. The internal change in me is. Is.

You could say well it's just a change of mood. Sometimes I'm just grumpy. And I don't even realise I'm grumpy.

Anyway. Sometimes I'm in a good mood. And I don't realise I'm in a good mood.

So pros and cons of living in the UK. The cons. The weather.

Some would argue the weather. I like the weather. I'm not a big fan of it when it's really cold.

When it's raining to be honest. My eyes are starting to hurt a little bit. So I think I'm going to have to stop staring at this screen.

And. I'll close my eyes for the rest of this recording. So the pros.

I think that's a pro and a con. Is the weather. Con.

Try and think. I think I've kind of covered everything. Of course I haven't covered everything.

Because it's. There's a lot going on in this. I don't.

I'm not quite sleazy. Or quite liarish. But I think that's.

Kind of the same all around the world. It seems to be. Yeah.

Can't think of anything else. Diana says. What's the mental health system like in the UK? Here in New Zealand it's very broken.

So little help available. I would say at the moment. It's the same.

As you. As far as the way you've described it. It's.

And it's. It's not the fault of the people that work. In the mental health system.

It's. I'm always really careful not to blame. The workers.

Or the people that. You know do the job. Because they're limited.

To what they can do. So yeah that's it really. It's.

Hopefully once the election comes through. Things will change. Things will start to change.

Yeah improve hopefully. So that's it for me. There was one more.

Notification came through. Okay right. So that just thank you to Cindy.

I won't read it out. But if you want to join Jason Newlands boring group. Then please do.

On Facebook. And that is the end of this recording. Because it's gone on way too long.

And I've actually got a headache now. I've got eye ache. So.

I might need to get some food in me. Take care. Remember to be kind to yourself.

Because you deserve to be happy. Be gentle with yourself. Lots of love.

Bye.