(no music) #1118 - Mee Mee V Wee Wee - Let Me Bore You To Sleep (11th May 2024)

The idea of me farting is ridiculous. I've never farted in my whole life. So hello.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

How are you doing? Are you well? Are you? Are you? Mm hmm. Welcome to Let Me Bore You To Sleep. My name is Jason Newland.

Cheers on new land. Oh, yes. And yeah, that's it.

What else can I say? Oh, yeah. Only listen when you can safely close your eyes. So I've got two websites, jasonnewland.com, which I'm in the process of rebuilding.

And that is going to be a place where you can download all of my recordings from years ago up to now. Still in the process of doing that one. And the Let Me Bore You To Sleep podcast is on let me bore you.com. As well as also available all over the place on various different podcast hosts.

In fact, in fact, just quickly check. If for any reason you're not sure whether or not Let Me Bore You To Sleep. slurry is where it's available.

Let me bore you.com. So click to that. There is actually I've got a page devoted just to you. And in case you know you perhaps you'll listen to me on a podcast host that you don't want to listen to.

Maybe you want to listen to me on your own one that you usually use such as I don't know. I can't think. Well, anyway, you are very lucky because I am available on a page basically let me bore you.com forward slash find me online to find dash me dash online, or just go to the website and click on the link.

And there was 1-234-567-8910 1112 1314 1516 1718 1920 2122 2324 2526 different places where you can listen to my podcast or this Let Me Bore You To Sleep podcast. That does also include YouTube. Now, there may be more places than that.

But these are the ones that I found during my research a few weeks back. The SoundCloud, Spotify, Apple podcasts, TuneIn, Podbean, Castbox, Deezer, Antenapod, Castro, Curio, Caster, Fountain, Luminary, Podcast Addict, Podcast Index, Podcast Republic, Podchaser, Podfriend, Podverse, you know, just a few others. So that just lets you know.

I'm just going to click on a couple of links to make sure it's still there. They don't always update instantly though. Not always instantly.

Not always straight away. But they're pretty good. Can't really complain because I don't pay pay Spotify money or anything though.

No money comes to me either. So yeah, that's all updated. So what I've been doing today is two, three, four, five, six.

I've been like yesterday I updated the Jason's bedtime story time and made playlists and everything like that. So I updated all the ones with music because there was no ones there wasn't any with music on there. I thought there was.

And I have today done the same thing with the ASMR Let Me Bore You To Sleep. And there's less of them so it didn't take quite as long. And they've all got their images and all all there and all got playlists.

And the playlists on SoundCloud. So it's quite a good place to go to if you want to be able to just go through all the different playlists I've got. Because it's it's more organized if you know what I mean.

But I am intending I am honestly I'm intending to update on the the let me boy you.com website. I'm trying to have playlists on there as well. So just just takes a little while to get it all done.

I can't do everything. So I'm going to have a quick look at the playlist just to let you know. So on here it's still work to do.

But I've got playlists for the Let Me Bore You To Sleep. These are the ones with no music in groups of 50. So 1 to 50 51 to 100.

And then all the way up to the ones I've just did today, which is 1101 to 1150. So I mean, I'm now in that bracket. So all of those so there's 12345678 1011 1213 1415 1617 1819 2021 22 20 22 23.

So it's 23 yeah 23 different playlists with 50 recordings in each one. Apart from one that's got I don't know however many I've done in that one. I'm not sure.

And then you've got the ones with music from 1001 onwards. And ones without with one five hours from 1001 onwards and 10 hours from 1001 onwards. Because I lost a huge amount of my recordings back in last year.

And I just decided just to let it go. And one of my listeners, kindly offered to help with that. But you know what I'm thinking? It's all right.

I'm just gonna just I guess I want to learn from it if I can. I don't know if I can learn from it. But just to you know, having backups is just important.

And it's a lesson hard learnt. That's fine. And, and now I've got the no music sleepy boring objects.

Music, five hours and 10 hours. So I've got those ones. I've got the no music, Jason's bedtime story times, music, five or 10 hours.

The ones I did today, no music, ASMR, whisper, let me fall to sleep. No music, five hours, music, no music, music, five or 10 hours. And that is the lot.

Although I've just discovered, just discovered something, which was curious. Just discovered Jason's bedtime story time. There's 29 tracks.

So that's, I was gonna delete that playlist, because that's don't need that there. That's an old playlist, which I forgot I had there. So now all the playlists are there.

And yeah, let me pull what was that bedtime story time. Bedtime. Oh, bedtime story time.

No music. Yeah. Cool.

So they're all there, man. They're all there. I think that's everything on that podcast now to Let Me Bore You To Sleep.

Part of the family is the other stuff, you know, the bedtime story time. I don't do many of them. Sleepy boring objects.

Again, I don't do many of them. And let me bore your pain away as well. I've got those.

So don't know if I mentioned that. No music, music, five hours and 10 hours. Not many of them either.

But it's all part. They're the siblings. They're the little, the little pigeon droppings, as it were, for the Let Me Bore You To Sleep.

For the Vinnie's bum. As he's the star of the show, of course. Now, Andre used to be the star of the show.

I know earlier. Oh, man. So I'm outside.

And I'm just taking Vinnie for a little walk. This is kind of one of those short walks. And my neighbor, my neighbor, I was loud on it.

My neighbor is about 82, 83 years old. He drove past, he looked out the window and I waved to him. And he pulled up and I thought, I'll go and say hello to him.

Pulled up, you know, so I walked over. And he was coming back with your shopping. So I said, I'll give you a hand.

I'll carry in for you. Because he said, Oh, thanks. I've done it before.

This makes this a really, this is a nice story. It makes me look good in two different ways. But you hear the next bit.

Anyway, I said, Well, I need you to do because I'm waiting for delivery. Can you keep that's why I didn't want to go too far. Can you keep an eye on the entrance to where I live? Just while I take your stuff in to your place? He said, Okay, lad.

And I said, Right, and you need to hold Vinnie. He said, Okay, lad. And I said, By the way, how you getting on? Okay, lad.

That's good. I thought, Hmm. What did you have for dinner yesterday? Shepherd's pie.

Why'd you ask? And I just no reason. Okay, lad. So, so I got your stuff and I'm carrying it in.

And I can't be more than, I don't know, six, seven, eight foot away. Vinnie starts screaming. Absolutely screaming.

Like we've stress or with anxiety. I don't know, because I'm walking away. And it just felt so nice.

Not seeing him suffer. I don't mean in that way. That'd be weird.

But just, he actually cares about me. And I just I turned around and I said, Sorry, Vinnie. This is it.

Might see you again. Bye. Yeah, that's what I'd help.

And anyway, so I'm walking away. I waved to him. I said, I'll be back in a minute.

And I walk, walk and put the stuff away. So he doesn't see me. It can't be for more than 30 seconds.

I come back out. Absolutely nutty. But he sees me jumping up all over me like licking me and screaming with delight.

Again. I don't know if he was screaming with delight. I've never actually experienced seeing anyone scream with delight.

I don't know. He seemed quite happy to see me. It felt lovely.

It's like, wow. So that kind of makes me look good in both sides. It's like, apart from the bit where I teased him, but it's I didn't really, but I just like, so I'm this wonderful human being that's helping an elderly neighbor, labor, neighbor in labor.

And then Vinnie loves me so much. So I'm obviously like the best daddy in the world as well. I mean, if Mariah Carey was here, she would be singing.

There's a hero, wouldn't she? She would be singing that song to me. In fact, wait a minute. She's singing it through the letterbox.

I can hear her. I'm not going to answer the door. She gets annoying.

Always knocking on the door. You got any key bags? Mariah, go away, mate. Come on.

I thought maybe we could go out for a coffee sometime. I said, yeah, I'll tell you what. To be fair, right.

Me and Mariah Carey, we were going to go out. I remember when I first moved in and she said, look, would you like to go out for coffee or go for a drink or maybe a meal? I said, all right. Okay, cool.

So I put my shoes on, put my coat on and my hat. And she said, you're wearing that hat. I said, what? It's winter, by the way.

Are you wearing that hat? You're going out in that hat. I don't want to be seen with you in that hat. I said, okay, I'll do a deal with you.

I will take this hat off if you go out the door and come back the 1991 version of yourself. Then I'll take the hat off. How about that one? Hey, hey, hey.

That's just rude. It's rude. It is rude.

It's my hat. You can't make. And we had a little bit falling out, but she sings through the letterbox.

Every time we have a little bit of a row, a little bit of an argument, to make up for it, she sings through the letterbox. So she does that and I stick something through hers. So it's kind of, we have that thing going on where it's, I would say it's one of those situations because we're both, because of our ages.

I mean, she's in her fifties now as well, probably about 55. I'm 53. And although I'm not supposed to, not supposed to mention her age because she's, I mean, she's, she is 55, literally.

Did you think I just Wikipedia'd it? I did. Bloody, I can't believe she's 55. She's done at 55, is she? Mind you, who do I? I still look younger than her.

And she, she gets so jealous because, you know, the thing is, I could try to say to her, look, do you, she's all, women are looking at you. Women are looking at you. I said, yeah, but if you ever thought maybe they're looking at me because I'm with you, you know, worldwide superstar Mariah Carey.

And she said, no, I didn't think about that. But they're looking at you. Why aren't they looking at me? Are they looking at you as well? Don't worry.

I don't see them looking at me. Yeah, because they wait until you walk past, then they look at you. Are you saying they look at my big bum? I didn't say that.

You knew me. Listen. It's a nickname.

It comes, you know, it goes back to when she was pregnant. So she, she gets so jealous. And I keep saying to her, look, I want to make her feel better about herself.

Like, you know, she's, she's dated movie stars and producers and, you know, she's, she's traveled the world. She's loved by millions of people. And I tried to make her, if I can, to make her feel a little bit better about herself and to build a self-esteem whenever I can.

And I said, listen, Moo Moo, I know you're concerned. You think I'm going to leave and let's face it. Where am I going to find someone better than you? A 55 year old.

With all that money. It didn't go like it wasn't supposed to start out like that. It was genuine.

Where am I going to get better? Well, again, it sounds like a meal, doesn't it? Well, where am I going to get a better burger than here? I've got to stay here. I didn't mean it like that. I'd never ever, ever, um, compare a human being to a burger.

I'm hungry now. I haven't had a burger in ages. Last time I got a burger, it was a delivery McDonald's and it was cold.

McDonald's burgers are not nice, cold. And the fries were, they were beyond cold. They'd reversed.

They would reverse back to just being potatoes. Seriously, if I'm joking. Well, I am, but you know, they're all horrible.

So, um, I might give them another go. Maybe the eighth time in a row, maybe they'll get it right this time. But me and Moomoo, we just got, um, I don't know.

I think it all comes, all comes from the past. What most things do, don't they really? She used to, uh, when she was young, there was a big thing, a big competition, a lot of comparison. That's the thing when she'd been compared.

Um, there was a lot of comparison between her and, um, Wee Wee, uh, Whitney Houston. Sorry. That's, that's what she called Whitney Houston.

That's what I used to call her as well. We, she didn't like me calling her that. I mean, she used to say, I wish you wouldn't call me that.

That's what she said. I remember she just finished filming the, uh, the video for, I will always love you. And it was perfect.

Perfect. And it was that, you know, that bit of the, the end bit, the last thing she filmed was that bit, which turned from being in the studio to suddenly being like outside or whatever. I will always love you.

Yeah. Uh, Moo Moo always used to say, I can sing better than that. I'm better than Wee Wee.

But anyway, you know, it's a competition. What can you do? So I remember Wee Wee was, um, Whitney was, um, she just filmed that scene and that was the last scene. I blew my mind.

It's like, well, shouldn't you have to sing the whole song? She said, no, I got, I got to let you into a little, she's like, I'll do it. I got to let you into a little secret. I said, what's that? What's that? Whitney Houston.

She said, um, well, you know, when you see me sitting there, I said, yes. And, uh, I look beautiful. I said, well, can't argue with that.

It's true. But you know, you know, I'm with Moo Moo, uh, or I will be in the future. So I can't really comment on your appearance or I wouldn't anyway, because I'm a gentleman.

And, uh, although this is 1990, cause it hasn't been released 1991 or whatever, uh, you know, I'm going to be talking about this in 30 years, 35 years time. Oh my God. 30.

Uh, you know, every now and then I think of this girl that I met December, 1991. And she's one of the people that I've gotten best with ever. And I was what? 20.

I'll be 21 by then. And she was about 16, 17, 18. I don't know.

20, 21. Yeah. I was 21.

I really liked her. She's pregnant. Um, I still liked her.

I mean, there's no reason not to like someone because they're pregnant, but yeah, I still think about, I wonder what she did with her life or what she did with her life. Like, I mean, what, how did she live a life? Is she happy? Is she, you know, did she have a happy life? I hope so. Cause she was so lovely.

She was one of these bubbly, happy, um, just kind girls. Oh, anyway, back to Wee Wee. She said, uh, well, the, um, when I'm on the stage singing, doing the video, I said, yeah, because I was listening.

Uh, well, don't actually sing the song. I said, I could hear you singing it. She said, no.

Did you not notice there's no microphone? There's no. Oh yeah. That's weird.

So how, where was the voice? Where was, how could I hear you so well? If there was no microphone. Well, I wasn't singing. Yeah, but I could hear you, but it's the music.

I know it's music, but I could see your voice as well. No, the music has my voice on it. How it's on.

It's on the record. The CD, the CD, the CD has not been released yet. Oh, there was still albums as well.

Wasn't there? Yeah. CDs. Were they, I don't know.

They were thing CDs in 91. I think they were. I don't know.

We haven't really worked this one out, have we? No. I think you should put a bit more research into your podcast actually. Uh, me and Moo Moo have discussed this many times over a nice Bailey's.

You drink Bailey's? No, that's a chauffeur's name. She had a weird laugh. Whitney did as well.

So we, we, a very weird, weird laugh. But the problem with that is Mariah, Moo Moo and Wee Wee. So Moo Moo was very, she was always compared to Wee Wee because Wee Wee came first and it was that kind of, I mean, they were both, well, I don't think that was similar at all anyway.

And I remember Moo Moo saying to me one Everyone compares me to Wee Wee. Oh, that's the wrong voice. Anyway, everyone compares me.

Everyone compares, everyone compares me. She, she talked differently at different times. Everyone, everyone compares me to Wee Wee.

Everyone compares me to Wee Wee. And I said, what do you mean? She's that Whitney Wee Wee. She says, everyone compares me to her, but I don't sound nothing like her.

I see you don't sound like anything at all at the moment. Weird accents keep changing. Well, I blame that on the narrator.

She had a weird laugh also. And she said, no one's comparing us, but we're nothing like, nothing like each other. And I was like, you're right.

She's got much better legs than you. It just blurted it. I didn't mean it.

I didn't mean to blurt it out. I was thinking it and it came out, didn't mean to. And she got so angry with me.

I didn't mean it Moo Moo. I didn't mean you've got better other bits. It's like, you shouldn't be comparing people and especially not women.

It's not on. I wasn't comparing. I was trying to point out that there is no comparison.

Well, because she's got better legs. No, she's got different legs. That's what I meant.

I didn't mean better. I mean different. Yeah.

And you've got different boobs. What's wrong with boobs? They're different. No, I mean, oh, I don't know.

I'm confused. You never used to use the word boobs before. That's a weird word.

Boobs. Boobs. You're a boob.

No, I know I am. But this is an intimate situation where we're both on our own in private. You know, it's not like a public conversation.

And sometimes in private, we say things that we wouldn't necessarily say in public. Yeah, you better not mention it on your podcast. I wouldn't.

I don't. What's a podcast? Oh, it's that thing you're going to do in 35 years. Okay.

Blimey, I'll still be around in 35 years, will I? Yeah, but you'll be ever so fat. That's rude. You're rude.

So, wee wee. I like wee wee. Because she just, you know, you can have different friends, different find.

I mean, forgetting, you know, joking about body parts in that. And ironic those because both wee wee and poo poo. Poo poo.

Moo moo. Sorry. Sorry.

There is another one I used to call poo poo, but it doesn't matter. Um, Amy. So, I, that's because she just constantly.

No, she no, she should should should I know there's no called poo poo. There's wee wee moo moo. And Rihanna copied them.

She called herself Riri. Very close to wee wee. But then in a way, Rihanna is I mean, she's overtook all of the previous singers really in like how much she's produced the amount of albums, the amount of songs, the amount of world tours she's done.

But probably I don't know, she hasn't probably sold as many records, which is weird, isn't it? It's strange how you could lie in the 70s or near 80s or the 90s. Even you could sell a record. And just one record, if it was big, if it was worldwide, you could live the rest of your life off of that one record.

And look at Elton John, Candle in the Wind. What else did he do? Nothing. He didn't do nothing.

He did this one song, Elton John, one song. He tours the whole world singing that one song and a few other little itty bitties, little rhymes and stuff. I mean, it's like, come on, Bryce, why? Why didn't he have more than one song? Why didn't he why didn't he sing more songs? I mean, living off just one song, I think, sorry, I'm just mate, I'm not I'm not hating.

I'm not I'm not. I'm just saying that Elton John, I think when he gets older, when he hits 90 in a couple of years time, I think he will look back and like pinch himself. First of all, like, wow, I've had such a successful career off the back of one song.

That got to number one twice, just changed the lyrics, you know, in 97. So. And he's had this whole career just basically off one single song.

I mean, he's I wonder how many he's sold of that song. Let's have a look. I'm just looking at his trying to find it.

Why are all his other songs listed? Come on. Trying to find it. It's like too many, too many, too many, too many.

Why did they stop it? Nested it. It's nested in like among 464 other songs. Oh, come on.

Anyway, you know, OK, maybe I've got some of the details wrong. They used to call him Oo Oo, Elton. Oo Oo.

I'll tell you what, you might not know about it, this about him. He gets so angry if you hide his socks. Seriously, he gets furious.

He has little tantrums. I remember around there once and was just I was teaching because I give him piano lessons. And he's it's it's a weird it's been a good gig, actually.

I've been teaching him since he was a kid. Well, he wasn't a kid, to be fair. He couldn't play the piano.

He got he got his first hit. And he wasn't was what's it name? Candle in the wind. And he basically he used to play that.

He spent three years going into pubs and he used to play it using a thimble like where it seems to be he lives a life like a candle in the wind. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, like that. Sometimes he would get a yoghurt cup, two yoghurt cups and he'd like put them together.

So it's like that. Didn't always work, but he was very creative. He couldn't play the piano.

And I said to him, why don't you learn to play the piano? Because I was sitting there watching him thinking, yes, he's got something here that might be quite a good song and needs a few needs. Some of the words need to be changed, to be honest. And I helped him with that.

I helped him reword the song. So I co-wrote it. But it's it's like you seems to me you live your life like a candle in the wind.

That's me. Because the whole idea is the visuals of a candle. And you never know when it's going to kind of blow out.

It's, you know, that instability that of the candle. His one, his original lyrics is it seems to me you live your life like a sausage on the train. It's like a sausage.

I don't take drugs, honest, I don't. It seems to me you live your life like a sausage on a train. Never know where to go to until it rains.

He just got, I'll be honest, he got a bit obsessed with sausages in that song. He constantly described them as sausages. And I was like, I said to him, listen, because, you know, his original name was, I forget, it wasn't Elton.

He had a different name. It was Gertrude or something. And I said, listen, Gertrude, you, you need to change the lyrics.

And he said, would you help me? Would you help me, please? Would you help me, please, sir? Would you help me? I said, okay, I'll do my best. He said, when I actually showed him the lyrics, he said, oh, that's great. That's really great.

Thank you, sir. Thank you. I said, okay, cool.

He said, could I ask you a favour? I said, what? He said, can you teach me that, that thing, the thing that makes sounds? I said, what thing that makes sounds? He said, that tinkle, tinkle thing where you push down and it makes sounds. And you see monkeys play them in, in the, the fair and they go. That's when I realised he was talking about a piano.

And I also realised that he had quite a good ear for melody. Because I picked up on that. Well, to be fair, to start with the song was, you live your life, like that.

But then when I saw what he did with the music, where he changed it to do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. I thought, there's something here. So I said, listen, two things.

I will teach you to play the piano. He said, really? Really? No kidding? Do you mean it? I said, yeah, I will. I'll teach you to do, to play the piano.

But on one condition, well, two conditions, really. What's that? What's that, sir? What, what, anything, anything? I said, well, well, three, don't call me sir. I mean, you're older than me.

He said, yeah, I know. But I respect you so much. I've only respect you, but you're already my hero.

Okay, that's lovely. And this is going in a different direction to what I thought. I was going to moan about something, but I forgot what it was now.

Okay, so I, I said to him that we need to do, need to like, first of all, I'll teach you to play the piano, but I will only teach you one song. He said, really? For sure? I said, yes, definitely. For sure.

He said, no lies. You promise? I said, yeah, I promise. I'll teach you one song.

And it will be the song you did, but we need to change the lyrics. Sausage on a train is not a great line. And it's not a great title either, to be honest.

Sausage on a train. Can you imagine that in the charts? He said, I can, I really can, honest. I said, no, but I don't, I can't.

He said, but it's, it's the seventies. I said, okay, that's, that's a good point. That's a good point.

But probably need to work on it. And he said, well, I've got a friend called Bernie. I said, let me stop you.

He said, what, what is it? What, what, what, what is it, sir? I said, look, you talking about terping? Yeah, yeah. We call him Dick. It's a bit rude.

It's a bit rude, sir. He said, no, Dick terping. Not.

Oh, give me it. Oh yeah. But don't mess with him.

There's, don't bother with him. Why is that? Why is that? I said, because look, he was one of my students in the past. I don't want to tell, don't tell everyone.

And, um, he still owes me £4.50. Hasn't paid it back. And you know what? We went out for lunch once. Went to this nice restaurant.

He ate three bread rolls. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with eating three bread rolls? Bit greedy, but what, what, what, what is it, sir? Well, we had two. There was, there's four bread rolls in the basket.

He ate three. There was four to share between us. Two of us.

Two for me and two for him. No, but you'd have to though. If you had three, you'd still have, you'd still have two, wouldn't you? I said, no, no.

Add it up. One, two, four. No.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's not about that. It's just, it's just, listen, I just, I can't be dealing with someone like that.

And you know, apart from anything else, all he ever does is talk about frogs. What do you mean? I said, he just talks about frogs. He's obsessed with frogs.

Have you not been to his house? No, no, I haven't been to his house, but I'd like to. I really would. I said, well, no, I recommend don't.

Everything is frog this, frog that. He's got all the car, the, the wallpaper's green, got green frogs everywhere, but frogs are green, aren't they, sir? Well, not all frogs are green. Some, some frogs are different colors.

Um, especially in Disney movies. Oh, I do love a Disney movie. Yeah.

Okay. Uh, let's try and stay on track. So I, it just gets a little, it's not so much that he's got frog ornaments.

He's got paintings of frogs is he just wants to talk about them all the time. He says any opportunity to talk about frogs, he would talk about it. I mean, we're having a dinner.

He said, so, uh, that this is Dick Turpin, Bernie. We call him Dick, but Dick Turpin, but Bernie talking. Uh, so I said to him, so how's it going with you? It's going quite well.

Thanks. I said, okay. And he said, um, how about you? How are you doing? I said, well, to be honest, it's, it's been a little bit difficult because, um, just had some family problems, a bereavement in the family.

He said, I like frogs. I said, what? I like frogs. I like to collect frogs and pictures of frogs and have frogs on the wall.

And, and I like to go to the zoo and see frogs. I said, you hear what I said about the bereavement? He said, yeah, frogs die. You know, I've seen frogs.

I've seen live ones as well. I like frogs. They're great.

Do you like frogs? I said, listen, can we just, why are you talking about frogs all the time? That reminds me. What's that? I like frogs. Did I tell you I like frogs? They're great.

Uh, so yeah, don't, don't go to dinner with him. Don't go to his house. You just want to chew your ear off all night long about frogs.

He said, okay then, sir. Okay. I won't then.

I said, okay, good. Um, well, where was we? Oh yeah. So you need to, you need to change the lyrics of the song sausage on a train.

Not a good title. No offense. I mean, does it have a meaning to you? That, that title? Is it, does it have any emotional meaning for you? He said, well, you know, it was that one time.

What? Well, that, that one time that was really emotional for me. Okay. Okay.

Um, I'm a little bit worried to ask this or what, what happened? Well, I was on a train and there was this, this lady and, and she, she fell over. The train halted really quickly and she fell over and, and we had to call an ambulance and had to stop the train and everything was just mislaid and we all had to get off the train and the ambulance had to get on and she was very poorly and it was very, very distressing.

And I came home, I was very distressed and I said, okay, how does, how is that connected to the song? He said, well, I had a sausage on the train and I left it on there.

I lost it. Oh, this is getting silly now. I know.

Why is your accent changed? Oh, it hasn't. So it hasn't. Oh, good.

Good. So other than that, so I need to change the words to the song. Also need to change your name.

Yeah. So he agreed with me on that one. He even Elton realised that his name was wrong.

He shouldn't, he said, who are you talking to? Who are you talking to, sir? I said, no, I'm the narrator. I'm talking to the audience now. Just shush.

Oh, okay. Sorry about that. Sorry, everybody.

That's okay. Cool. Um, he realised that he was never going to get anywhere with his, the, the name that he had.

I can't remember the name he had cause such a long time ago. And this is in the 1800s. Anyway, um, he did have a name in mind and he wanted to call himself Elvis.

I said, you can't call yourself Elvis. Why is that? Why is that then, sir? I said, um, stop calling me, sir. Uh, well you can't because then there's already an Elvis.

Huh? Yeah. There's an Elvis Presley. No, I've never heard of him.

Elvis Presley, the king of rock and roll. Nope. Never heard of him.

It's been around for 20 years. You've never heard of him? No, no, never. Never.

Is he any good? King of rock, the best in the world, the most famous, probably one of the most famous men, people in the world. No. Uh, where does he live? Does he, is he in, is he in London? Does he live in London? Does it, is it in London? Is it that he lives? No, he doesn't live in London.

Why, why would that, why would you say that? Does he live in London? No, I don't know everyone here you see. There's, there's over thousands of people live in London. Well, it's millions.

Exactly. Thousands. Lots of thousands.

Makes a million, doesn't it? All right. Okay. I know it's just starting to wind down a little bit now.

Have you noticed that? Yeah. There's a lot of energy in this, wasn't there before, but now it just seems to have slowed down a bit. Like it's not real, not really, you know, it's not cutting edge anymore.

It's, it's, it's lost its oomph a bit. Why, what do you reckon that is? I don't know. We started off so well.

I mean, I think sausage on the train was definitely the high point, but I don't know, sir. I don't know. It's just, I feel to come up with a better name of the Nelvis.

I think maybe it could have gone further. We could have carried it on, but I think you've pretty much, you farted in the duck pond, as it were. Farted in the duck pond.

Yep. That's what my dad always used to say. Whenever I messed up, he said, you farted in the duck pond again.

Okay. That's weird. So yeah.

So I taught him play the piano, one song and I'll be honest with you. I'm busy. I know what time to keep track of that.

And he had a hit with a song. I remember phoning me out and saying, Jay, Jay, Jay. And he was like, okay, breathe.

He said, I am, I'm breathing too much. So, okay, sorry, slow down your breathing then. I'm in the top charts.

I'm in the top 10. I said, okay. He phoned me up and I was just like, okay, good, good, good on you.

We did well. We did well, didn't we? He said, what do you mean we? I said, well, you know, I taught you to play the piano. I mean, before you were, you literally in a pub before you met me, you were in a pub singing sausage in a train whilst tap dancing.

That probably wasn't going to get you in the charts. He said, I think it was quite good. Actually, I think it was better before.

I said, okay. Oh, if that's what, if that, if, if, if you really, really believe that, then this week, when you go onto top of the pops, change the lyrics back to the original ones. Yeah.

Yeah. Do that. And don't worry.

You don't need the piano. Just stand there. Do a little bit of tap dancing, finger cymbals.

Just go back to how it was. Yoghurt pots. You're always mocking me, aren't you, sir? Why? I said, I'm not always mocking you.

I'm just, I only called you to say, to tell you the good news. I said, that is good news. And you know, better news is I've got money.

I can give you money. I'm going to make lots of money from this. I said, look, I don't need any money from you.

I'm just happy to help. Think of me as kind of like Gandhi is, you know, someone that has come into your life, has helped you in your time of need and has moved on. There are other people that need my spiritual guidance.

And I realized he'd hung up right as soon as I said, I don't need any money. Hang up. So nevermind.

So I thought, no, that's it done. I didn't follow him after that. I just, I did no idea.

And to this day, I actually thought he just had that one hit, but now I see on Wikipedia, it had loads. I'm a bit embarrassed with my ignorance. I mean, to be honest, I could have probably do with some of that money now, some of those royalties, but I think it's too late.

And how do you, I mean, I suppose I could phone him, but then, what if Mumu knows him? Mumu knows him. Of course she does. So yeah.

So Mariah, maybe she can speak to him, but then she's kind of semi-retired now, to be honest. She's, because, you know, she lives near me and the only singing she generally does is through letterbox now, through my letterbox. And I don't know.

I mean, she worked so hard, bless her. She really did. She traveled around.

I mean, she had to, whatever she did, I wasn't with her, but she was busy, you know, always going from here to there, interviews and television appearances and stuff like that. You know, the one thing, the one thing that she really had issues with, you know, like people say, oh, you're so lucky you're with Mumu. You're with Mariah Carey.

You're so lucky that you're with her and she's perfect. She's perfect. Well, let me tell you something.

She's far from perfect. Now, it's not, it's not like me to put down anybody to, you know, to, you know, be disrespectful. She made me a cup of tea the other day.

Way too much milk. And I found out that she put the milk in first. I tell you, she's going to be singing through the letterbox a few more days before I open that door.

I was fuming. It's just, and I say to her, look, this isn't a hard question or not a hard thing to remember, I don't think. I think it's quite an easy thing to remember because it's a little bit quirky, maybe.

But I like two teabags in my cup. Two teabags, one sugar, and then let the teabags, you know, ferment or whatever they do, do their thing. And the only other thing, it's a little bit quirky.

It's only really happened since I lived in Ireland for a little while and I kind of, it's one of the local customs. But I like the milk straight out of the cow. So obviously, it's quite hard to get them onto the counter, the kitchen counter.

But in Ireland, I don't know if you know that, everyone's got a cow in the kitchen. I should make sure I reframe what I said there so that you know what I mean. When I said everyone's got a cow in the kitchen, I mean a literal cow, okay? I'm not being defogamatory about people.

It's literally, there's a cow, okay? And the old bag milk, no, sorry. I can't believe people used to say things like that in the 70s and the 80s. So weird, weird things they used to talk about people.

I'm not like that. Cow, it's a weird word, cow. To call someone a cow.

I mean, I've been called a pig a few times. But that's more because of my toilet habits. Apparently, some people have problems.

They have things that mess up a relationship or maybe not with the person, but with their family. You know when you go and visit the in-laws, even if you're not married, they're still kind of in-laws, aren't they? So my in-laws had an issue with my toilet habits and my dinner habits. Now, sometimes they might have an issue with one or the other, but they had an issue with both.

Admittedly, they were at the same time. But it's like, well, if you've got to eat, you've got to eat. You've got to go, you've got to go.

And if you've got to eat when you've got to go, you've got to go when you've got to eat, isn't it? That's what I've always said. You can't make a duck read a book if the duck doesn't know that you want it to read a book and you try and guide it towards the book without learning some kind of language that can communicate with the duck that you want it to read a book.

And ducks are stubborn.

You can't make a duck really do anything. That's why ducks and chickens are very similar as well. So chickens, you can't make them do anything, but luckily they do one thing that is really useful and that's poo out eggs.

They have eggs for poo. They don't have normal poo. They actually have, which is, it's amazing.

Can you imagine if we all did that? Every time someone did a poo, it was food for someone else. Well, I wouldn't personally want to eat it myself, but it comes out of a chicken's bum. It's food for us.

So if our eggs, our poo eggs came out, we could feed that to elephants or something. Nature's amazing, isn't it? Don't you think? I feel I'm going to have a pizza. I'm going to watch the boxing.

I'm going to have a pizza and watch the boxing tonight. That's what I'm going to do. And I'm going to take the little one for a quick, a quick jog as well.

And I can't remember, I was going to talk about something. I don't remember what I was going to talk about today. I did the Q&A yesterday, so I hope that was okay.

I hope I fulfilled most questions. There was one missing right at the end, but I didn't get it until today and I'd already recorded it. So this is a message for Matthew.

Matthew, thanks for your message. Who are your favorite comedians? I will do that next Friday. Okay.

Might need a bit of reminding, but I'll try and remember. Also, we've lost one person out of the Jason Newland's Boring Group. It was 161 members yesterday and now it's 160.

Don't know what's happened. Hope whoever it is is okay. So lots of love to everyone.

Remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy. Remember to be gentle with yourself and I will speak to you again tomorrow. Lots of love.

Bye.