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Hello, hello, how are you doing? My name is Jessen Newland and the squealing in the background is Vinnie Newland squealing and wanting my attention, which means I need to give him a treat. You want a treat? Okay, I only listen when you can safely close your eyes. So I'm now just going to go and get this monkey a little treat.
Well, I just went and got a treat for him. I want two treats. As soon as I opened the front door, the living room door, he ran to the front door like we were going to, you know, do that thing that he likes to do.
And I have no intention of doing that. I walk in the kitchen and I hear all this noise. Look out the window.
It's hailing. Bits of ice are coming down. We know what hail is, Jason.
Okay, fair enough. So what I do is I decided to make it take a little video of the hail in the garden, which is weird because I remember, um, probably two years ago, maybe longer, because the 23rd of March now, I think it was the 31st of March. It was snowing outside.
We just had a day of snow. Let me have a look if I can find it. Because it's probably still on my, it might not be actually, to be fair, because a video, I might have got rid of it.
Might have got rid of it or might have uploaded it or something. Yeah, because not all of the stuff I must have, all the pictures and the videos I've taken are not all on my camera or my phone. Otherwise, there'd be no room.
No, it's not on this. I don't know. February 2024.
March 2023. It would have been 2022. 2022.
December, March. It's definitely March. It was the 31st of March.
I remember it. I don't know why. I just remember it.
Nope, nope, nope. Can't find it. Oh, yeah, it was.
I don't think it was last year. It was the year before last. It's not on here.
I wonder what happened to it. I wonder. Yeah.
How strange. Anyway, I just need to say thank you quickly to another couple of people that sent me PayPal gifts. William and Karen.
If I've missed anyone out, I realize more than two people. But if I missed anyone out that has in my previous recordings, I do apologize. Yeah, you know, sometimes I try and keep track of what's going on and what I'm doing and everything, but it's a little bit difficult sometimes.
And with the app, the PayPal app, it doesn't seem to allow me or want to allow me to send thank you messages via the app. So I have to go to my my. He started barking again.
He keeps barking. Any little sound stirs him. So I've had to put him in a bedroom, close the bedroom door, close this door.
And if he barks, then I just I don't know what to do about it because he's so good for hours and hours and then just he just starts and every little thing just sets him off. I don't know what it is because, you know, literally sometimes I'll be sitting here and when I'm doing editing or I'm doing something that I need to focus on, I will be in silence.
So there's no nothing to distract him sound wise, like with music or anything like that, or the television or whatever.
And he hears things that I can't hear because to me, it sounds like there's nothing, nothing going on. Yeah, he hears something. And it's not just he hears it, he's listening.
He's always listening with big flappy ears, always like I was looking for an excuse to bark. And oh, yeah, we went for a walk today. He started barking at a big dog.
Like the biggest dog that I've seen in a long time. It hasn't had a muzzle on. And and he was barking and it sounded aggressive.
To me, Vinnie sounded aggressive. And I picked him up. He doesn't like that because he just doesn't like picking him up.
Generally, I mean, sometimes okay, if we're indoors, and I'm showing him out the window so we can have a look around the window, kind of little nose around so I can pick him up and he's okay like that. And if there's someone at the door, and they're chatting for too long, sometimes I'll pick him up and he's okay like that. Occasionally, I'll pick him up when we're walking and he's just being lazy.
He's just happy to be carried. He's only got little legs, you know. But this time he was growling at me.
Growling at me. Wow. Now he's been like that since I've had him.
It's not a new thing. He just, he should know better than that, really, by now. I mean, I'm with him 24 hours a day.
I thought that, I thought he'd like me by now. I thought he'd like, care about me. So yeah, he's, he's not on the naughty step.
I've not put him in there to put him on the naughty step, but I just have to, I have to have some, a degree of peace in order to make a podcast. I can't have him barking every couple of minutes. Because it's just very disruptive to what I'm doing.
And, you know, I love him having in it. I like having him here, like under the table, chewing on a bone. You know, I don't care about him making a little bit of noise, bit of sound, running around.
Do what he wants. But that barking is so loud. It really pierces through me.
It's not pleasant. And I don't know, I don't know what to do. I'm not sure what to do.
So anyway, so he's in the bedroom. He knows what he's done. I don't know if he does.
I just, I said, all I've got to do is just point into the bedroom. He goes in there. So he's quite well trained with that one.
Because generally, I always put him in the bedroom, whenever I either answer the door, or someone's in here, when I go to let them out, I'll put him into the bedroom, because he will just run out. And there's places he wants to go. He wants to go and visit his mum, who lives across the thing, or he wants to go and visit his girlfriend, and she lives up there as well, across the road.
He wants to, he wants to run and play in the school. He wants to, he's got friends all around here, people that he knows, other dogs. So, you know, I mean, when I first got him, I was walking past the school to go into the park, and two kids were came up from the side, shouting his name, Vinnie, Vinnie, and he was going, he was going nutty.
Like, who are you? How do you know him? Well, because for the first 10 months of his life, he wasn't with me. And for the previous four months before I got him, he was living literally a 30 second walk away from here. So he knew, and he had a kid in the house with him.
And he knew, he just knew other people around here. And the woman that had him has lived here, she lived here her whole life. Like, how brilliant.
So, you know, the amount of people that know his name, I only know one dog's name. Well, no, I know, I know Vinnie's name, but although I do call him Logie sometimes, the amount of times I call him Andre is ridiculous. That's just when I'm annoyed with him.
So yeah, he's in there. And that's where we will be until I have completed what I'm doing here. I feel a bit more relaxed now.
It doesn't relax me. Like, not when I'm doing this. The rest of the time it's fine.
But you know what, I'm a little bit on edge quite a lot of the time, not knowing if he's gonna start. Even when I'm in bed, I have to have music, radio or something playing, not for me, but for him. Otherwise, any sound and he'll start barking right in my ear when I'm asleep, which is not a good idea.
There's no way to wake up. Personally, I mean, there is a radio show I like to listen to the weekend, from 10 to 1 in the evening. So I do, and that's like Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
That's the only show that I'm kind of quite, I like to listen to regularly. And not so much on a Sunday, but definitely Friday, Saturday, 10 to 1. Other than that, I would probably, I'd go to sleep without anything. I'm quite happy just to listen to the wind, the weather, you know, anything like that.
I don't care if there's people in the garden. I don't even care if there's music playing somewhere. It just doesn't bother me.
I just fall asleep, you know, quite easily, quite easily fall asleep. And, you know, I suppose there's a limit if someone keeps slamming a door or something, then eventually that will get a bit, I keep getting woken up, that'd be annoying. But, and that does happen.
And it has happened multiple times. But generally, I don't really want the radio on all night long. And what I've been doing, I used to listen to Audible, listen to motivational stuff, Zig Ziglar or Earl Nightingale, things like that, or other like books that were positive.
And there's some shouting in the garden now. More recently, I realised that you can't hear it so much on the microphone. I can hear a lot clearer here than the microphone picks up because I'm talking.
The microphone is, you know, practically inside my mouth. I'm glad I said inside my mouth rather than inside me. Because that would be weird.
I did say that, didn't I? And it's not in far away from my mouth. So to pick up what's being said, even though they're shouting a bit out there. I don't know what people find to shout about.
Because it's like, let's all, let's go into the communal area and shout. Maybe that's in the contract. Maybe that's the council contract now.
You must congregate in a communal area and shout for at least 20 minutes a day. I don't know. I do wonder how, why do some people speak so loudly? Like really loud.
Sort of twice, three times the volume of a word for it. Human. Yeah, human.
I don't know what I mean. Sometimes people go in the garden and they talk on the phone. And it's like, I almost feel like just don't shout out the window.
You don't need the phone mate. They can hear you. I'm talking to someone in Liverpool.
Yeah, they can hear you. You don't need the phone. What's the point of having a phone and shouting? What's the point of getting a dog and then licking your own feet? I don't know what that means.
I'm moving on. You know what I mean. It's like this.
Well, the new thing now is BT, British Telecom, and now phasing out landline, normal landline phones. BT phasing out. I've seen some adverts and I've been wondering why it hasn't happened yet.
And it's like, why do people have landlines still? And so, but you know, because what really, the bigger question really was why when you get broadband, internet, forced to have landline phones, even though I reckon a tiny percentage of people use them, but getting charged every month for it. Well, my internet doesn't have that. My internet is not connected to anything other than the electricity.
So I'm a windowsill and I get broadband. And it's basically a mobile broadband, but broadband. And it's not like super fast, but it's as fast as anything else that I can get around here.
And because of where I live, this is a crap area, unfortunately, for internet. So I can actually tell you what the broadband speed is. The weird thing about it, right? Okay, here's the weird thing about it.
Okay, all right. Okay, okay, okay. I actually signed up years ago.
Years, right? And for this local broadband, which was going to be given us a gigabyte of speed, like, you know, super, super duper fast. I think it's sponsored or financed by the government for places that are in the countryside. So live in the countryside.
So places that are really out of the way, nowhere near anywhere. Now, I live in the countryside, but I don't live in the countryside. That might sound like a strange thing to say.
I live quite close to London. But I do live in the countryside. I'm surrounded by fields.
To the left of me, but to the right of me, there's a motorway and a town. You know, not walking, well, the walking distance, I can walk to the motorway, but it's still it's a fair walk, 20 minutes, whatever. But to the left of me, it's miles and miles of fields.
So I'm in the countryside. And because of that, anyway, the internet isn't so very good. There's no virgin.
There's a joke there. I know. And I'm going to speak into a virgin man.
A virgin is the company that they're one of the few companies that actually provide their own internet with their own cables. That's not connected to BT. So BT, British Telecom, even though you might get your internet from a different company, it's still going through the BT network, like they're wiring or whatever.
So, you know, they had that sewn up pretty well. Virgin actually built their own. So they dug the roads up and whatever.
And, and it they, I asked someone, I said, you know, can't you just get, can't get virgin in my road? He said, well, you know, he's got to ask enough people. I said, no, no, I'm talking about the, the internet. He said, oh, I said, you work for virgin.
Surely if you hear the word virgin, you, you associate it with, with where you're working, don't you? He said, yeah, but I still, still like to joke, you know, still trying to, trying to have a bit of light hearted banter in my life. You know, don't want to begrudge me that, do you? I said, I said, no, sorry, mate. I was, didn't mean to be all serious.
He said, I know, a bit weird, you just walk up to me and start being all serious. And I'll earnest. So I call you start calling you earnest.
I said, no, my name's Jason. He said, how would I know that though? How would I know what your name is? I said, this is, this is going weird now. I just want to know, just, just if we can backtrack, can, can you tell me, will there be virgin internet in this, in my area? I just live around the corner, mate.
I don't live far away. He said, call me Colin. I'm not going to see you again, am I? Why do I need to learn your name? He said, that's a bit rude.
I said, no, I don't mean it rudely. Just, you know, there's no point everyone learning each other's name, if it's like a one-off meeting. It's better to say that to all the boys, do you? I said, what? This is not, this isn't Tinder.
This is, or whatever it is called. I think you know what it's called. No, I don't.
I think you know it's called Grindr, not Tinder. Shush. Let's move on.
So I, as I said, look, can you tell me, I live around the corner, not just around the corner, but you know, five minute walk from here. And he said, that is around the corner for some people. I said, I don't want to discuss the speed of people's walking, although I am quite a slow walker, you know, to be fair.
He said, he says, yeah, I noticed that. I was wondering if there's something wrong with you. I said, no, I just, I just walk slowly.
What? Why would I walk fast? I came, I saw you. I was going down the other road. I saw you, saw your van first, to be honest.
And I saw you. And I walked down this pathway to speak to you. Why would I rush that walk? And to be honest, if I didn't know we were going to have this conversation, I probably would have taken even more time.
What do you mean? So you could enjoy it more? No, no. Are you going to be putting in? Are you going to be laying cables? Okay, perhaps I shouldn't change that terminology laying cable. Are you going to be putting Virgin Internet, make it available in my road, you know, which is five, six minutes away? It's gone up to six minutes now, is it? Five minutes a minute ago, was it going to be in half an hour's time?
An hour away? I said, you got a proper attitude on you.
Yeah. Colin. He said, I told you, you'd remember my name.
You didn't tell me that at all. What are you going to be putting? Well, I want to know. What do I want to know? Yeah, what I want to know is, are you going to be having any internet, Virgin Internet in my area? My road? Which road you live in? It's Chelsworth, Chelsworth Avenue, like just around the corner, just off of Kingston Road.
You know, near Angelica Drive, just, just round the corner. Oh, you mean next to Bing Bong Cottage? Bing Bong Cottage. Well, there is a cottage up there.
Yeah, Bing Bong Cottage. But it's the only cottage. There's no other cottages in this whole estate.
Yeah, Bing Bong Cottage. Why are you repeating Bing Bong Cottage like you're really pleased with yourself? Because that's the name. It's Bing Bong Cottage.
Okay, I didn't know it's called Bing Bong Cottage. Oh, you have to walk up to the driveway. It's just above the door.
But the doors on the side of that of the cottage. Because if you look at the front where the driveway is, you can only see the side that you see the front living room window. But the actual cottage doorway is on the side.
Because there's also another entrance behind. So there's two different ways to get in. I think the postal service would use that way, because that's where the road is.
The other bit leads into a field, not a field, but like a country road and you cross over and there's a field. And that's not so easy to kind of get in there is there is like a little parking area like a like a little kind of driveway, but not not like a pathway. So it muddy can get a bit muddy in the winter, you know, when it's been raining and stuff.
Why are you telling me all this? I'm just letting you know where it is and why you wouldn't know what it's called because the sign ping pong cottage is well, to be honest, it doesn't say cottage just says ping pong. But I mean, obviously, it's a cottage. You can see it's got a thatched roof.
And as you said, it's the only cottage around here. Exactly. It's the only culture around here, which means it doesn't need to have a name.
Oh, look at you, Mr. I make up the rules for everybody. Mr. I'm in charge of all the cottages in the world. Mr. I'm I'm in control of what you call your home.
You may pay the mortgage and work your whole life to buy your home. But you come through me if you want to give it a name. I'm not saying that I'm just I'm drained now.
All I want to do is ask you something and I'm sorry about Internet. Yeah. Are you going to have? Okay.
Ding dong cottage. Are you ping pong cottage? Okay. Are you gonna be having broadband internet from Virgin your company? Are you going to be having broadband in the area where the cottage is? Which cottage? I'm kidding.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Okay.
No. Why not? Because for each road that we have to dig up each little area that we have to dig up, it costs half a million pound to dig it up and to put it all in and you know to get the to pay the government and to allow us to dig up the pavement and all that stuff. Half a million pound for each little area and we have to look at how many houses are in that area to make it worthwhile and well just imagine we we're only charging 50 quid a month.
Half a million pound you have to get a lot of customers to make it worthwhile. You know obviously you know over the years it kind of pays its way back but we can't can't spend that much money just for 30 houses. I said you you seem to know a lot about the costing of this enterprise.
He said yeah yeah I saw it online. Oh okay fair enough. And so it's a no you're not going to be doing internet here.
I don't know. You just told me there would be no point financially to do it. Yeah but it's not my decision is it? Okay well thanks Colin.
I told you you'd remember my name. What was that? I said I told you you'd remember my name. No you said I told you my name.
Well I think it's a bit rude to pick me up on a speech impediment. I don't make fun of the way you walk. You literally five minutes ago made fun of the way I walked.
No I made fun of the speed that you walked. I did make fun of the way you seemed to put a lot of your weight on your left leg and the way you waved your right arm around like you were trying to shoo a bat an invisible bat or something. What? Nothing nothing.
This is I need to get back on to with work. Unless you've brought me something to eat then there's no point of having a conversation anymore. We've you know I think this we're done here.
I said well funny enough I do actually have a packed lunch for you. You do? Yeah yeah your wife um your wife phoned me up and said can I can I bring you a packed lunch. My wife phoned you up.
Okay right she didn't phone me up. You just said she phoned you up. I said no no wait a minute.
She phoned the petrol station up. Ah you mean where I left my packed lunch. Yeah so you must have told her that you'd left your packed lunch in the in the petrol station.
Yeah and I did that. I just went in there um to to buy something. I was a packet of crisps or KitKat or something and a coffee something like that and just making it up really and I put my packed lunch on the on the uh counter and I thought I got a phone call or something and I got distracted and you know I left got in my van and left without the packed lunch.
So I phoned the petrol station to see whether or not because I wasn't sure if I'd left it there. All I knew it wasn't in my van. At least I knew it wasn't in the front of the van but I was thinking I had the back of the van open the door open or both the doors open and make it easier to see.
I turned the light on and I can see better with the light on. Although if it's a if it's a sunny day and the sun shining directly into the van sometimes I don't need the the light on at all but it really depends.
I used to have a van in the old days which had like a what do they call that a window sky skylight or sky lamp or sky window whatever and it was although it's dark it did open um if I needed it to but it was also letting some light so that was quite good but it was although it was dark it actually the light that let it in was kind of bluish light.
I said what's this got to do with your lunch? He said oh yeah um I'm looking in the back of the van and I'm thinking well it's not it's not obviously here but I can't see it anywhere and I was trying to figure out whether or not I put it in the van because this morning I can't leave stuff in the van when I go home.
I'm not allowed to leave expensive stuff in there like copper pipe copper wiring and stuff like that because that's worth a lot of money so sometimes sometimes I go back to the to the headquarter not headquarters but where we store stuff I go back to the warehouse and leave stuff there but because I take the van home with me sometimes I'll I have to especially if it's late at night because sometimes we work quite late and so I take it home with me and I will unpack just the expensive stuff
maybe I've got some of my own tools in there which I like to take out and put into the put by the bed I like to sleep with my tools what it doesn't matter doesn't matter and so in the morning I mean sometimes if because my wife is she's home first because there's only room for one vehicle on a driveway so she will park first if she's in first which means I have to park on the drive on the road and that's no good because it's okay if my neighbor is
there and he's got his van because he uses his van as well he's a delivery driver but generally he only he collects his van he goes to work in his car collects his van and then you know doesn't generally bring the van home but sometimes he does if he has to work a weekend so every month he works a Saturday and Sunday he's on he's on call because if somebody calls in ill at the weekend he has to cover that shift so he doesn't have necessarily have to work but he
just has to be on call but because the person you know it's just it's I don't know I don't really understand what's going on to be why they do it but on that weekend we park our vans back to back like bum to bum and we're not touching bums but we're kind of as close as possible which means no one can get into the back of either the vans because he's my neighbor next door neighbor and he's named Steve and we can't you know so that's a really good secure way
to do it I said that's actually quite clever he said yeah I know it's my idea you're sure it wasn't Steve's idea well we came up with it together yeah how did that work well Steve said to me I was talking to Steve and he said Colin we need to secure these vans but you know it's I just don't know how to do it I said well why don't we park them on top of each other he said no because that that would take a how are you going to do
that you need a forklift or a crane or something and that could probably cause damage to the to the vehicles he said what about upside down I said to him Steve said Colin that's just a little bit weird probably that wouldn't be ideal and I said what if we try to park it on the roof he said no that probably wouldn't work either I said what if I try to fit mine inside yours you want to fit what inside me your what now the van the man inside your van I
said well no that he said that's not really possible is it because they're the same size and it's not very practical and and I said well I can't think of any other way I mean we could park them in the in the center of the road that way no one would be able to you know get past to drive off with them I said no because that's illegal can't do that he said well we could rent someone we could hire someone just to stand outside and basically keep an eye on
the vans all night long he said are you going to pay for that Colin I said no Steve I'm not he said well why would you suggest something like that if if you I mean that's that's going to cost like what 40 50 quid for the night two days once a hundred quid I said yeah yeah okay fair enough Steve said to me and not Steve Colin I was getting muddled up between the two of them I shouldn't do really because I've got different color hair and so they park because
all we do is park Steve said to me Colin rather we park back to bumper to bumper back to back because Steve come up with that idea said why don't we I have an idea why don't we and he got very excited very animated and he wasn't quite he looked like he wanted to dance but wasn't sure whether it'd be appropriate you know it's like whether to you know you know when you see someone and just in maybe in a shopping mall or a shopping store or something and you see
a little baby in his and they're eating some chocolate and you want to just take some of the chocolate just take a little bit of the chocolate bite a bit off and then then carry on on your way because you think oh I want I want some of that chocolate you want to but you think oh maybe that that might get frowned upon maybe you see someone on a waiting at a bus stop and it's cold outside and you're walking along and you see a frail elderly person maybe sitting at
a bus stop waiting for the bus and which probably what they're waiting for and he's feeling a bit cold but you see they're wearing a really nice big thick woolly hat and you want to kind of ask them for it can I borrow your hat please but you know you probably shouldn't you know it's it's probably wrong I don't know I said Colin that's definitely wrong you shouldn't be you shouldn't be wanting to do that and he said no this is Steve now talking not Colin that was Steve I said
okay sorry it's hard to keep track I mean it's three of us and we've all got the same voice yeah I know and what then I thought uh Steve said to me I'm Colin Steve said we back them up if you know because I was thinking there's only a way we could back up against the wall the way you do with your van when your wife's car isn't on the driveway because you can back up right to the kitchen window and no one can get into your van and even if
they could get into the front of the van the most they could do I mean if they could get in just drive it off but they can't get into the back from the front they have to go into the back if you go in the back entrance they can't get into the they're not able to get into the back entrance through the front you know it's a different different place a different entrance um so and he said if we back our vans up it's just us and Colin said uh what
would you mean he said well okay instead of me explaining it verbally or you know trying to um trying to explain it to you via some kind of poetry let's or a slideshow let's project it onto a wall let's just um just do what I do he said what walk camply he said no what do you mean walk count on a walk count what he said nothing so okay well just get in your van and just do what I do just back it up but don't don't touch my my back
backs the back side of the vans don't touch my my you know exit don't touch the the the back of the rear end don't touch the rear end don't don't with yours so your rear end doesn't touch my rear end basically and just do it get as close as possible and then stop and then get out of the van and I'll meet you at the backs of the vans so I did that Colin said to me went around and said Steve where are you Steve and he said I'm here I
said what oh you're the other side he said yeah we you weren't specific which side of the vans I said well I figured we'd get out and meet on the pavement rather than in the road do you mean sidewalk for those that don't use the turn pavement yeah if you like anyway I walk around Colin looked at me he said you know what I thought about doing a bit of a star skiing hutch and jumping over the bonnet I couldn't it's too high so I didn't bother I just walked around
and they Colin went up to Steve and said okay what's the big idea already and Steve said look Colin said yeah the two vans are there the bums are facing each other they're not touching but they're yeah so he said all right okay pretend okay Steve said to Colin pretend to me that you're a thief he said what he said pretend that you're a thief so Colin pulled a screwdriver out and starts starts sort of digging into the side of the van Steve said what are you doing he said well
that's what I would do if I was a thief he said why he said I can't get in the back can I so I'm gonna try and get in the side yeah when I said pretend you're a thief I was hoping you'd like try to get in the back but you couldn't so you said oh I can't I didn't expect to try and like dig your way into the side he said yeah of course I'm a very creative person well I've got a question for you what's that Steve why did
you have to do it to my van what do you mean why did you have to cause damage to my van with your screwdriver that's gonna cost me a few hundred pounds worth of paint and getting that sorted now because you've caused quite a few dents in there why did you do it to my van well it's obvious isn't it no if it was obvious I wouldn't be asking trust me he said well why would I do it to my own van what would it cause damage to my own van
I said you know why would you cause damage to my van well I don't have the keys for your van do I I've got the keys for my own van why would I if I want to steal my van I just get in the driver's seat and drive off we'll drive off a little while and then get into the back and get the stuff out I said Colin he said yes what what's this got to do with your sandwiches being in the petrol station and he said oh okay well I'm
looking into the back of my van and the point I was making about sometimes I take the stuff out if I can't park it behind you know back to back bum to bum with my neighbor Steve or if I can't back it into the driveway it's okay okay I get all that I understood what you was kind of about that let's focus back on the peck lunch okay all right okay in a hurry are you got somebody going yeah got somebody um well basically I couldn't see it anywhere and I
was trying to figure out had I somehow managed to put it in the van and then put my tools and all the copper wiring on top of it and I wasn't sure but to be honest with you because at this point I was already at work well halfway to work because you know I if I'm going into a building I can unpack my stuff but if I'm in the street I just take what I need I'm not going to unpack the whole of the back of the van in the street
I just take what I need and then you know if we're going to be using quite a lot of stuff there's like a big roll of copper wiring then they usually there'll be more than one person because you've got to keep an eye on it it's worth thousands of pounds yeah oh my really just yeah so go get going with what yeah what well the story the peck lunch oh okay well that's what I phoned uh my wife to see whether or not I'd left it at home because I couldn't
remember what I'd done with it I thought I had it in my hand but you know what my memory was I left the house with my peck lunch and whistling a Disney tune you know it's like normal but I do that every day and I've done that every day for the last 26 years apart from the days I haven't done it and sometimes I'm not sure because it's sort of like I do things just automatically it's normal isn't it it's it's just a normal we do some things we do automatically
I said yeah fair enough fair enough um why do you say that twice what why do you say fair enough fair enough what do you not why not just fair enough I don't know I don't know man uh so this is hard work what what so you phoned your wife up what happened then oh yeah she she answered oh that's a good start and uh she said who is this and I said it's Colin Colin who your husband Colin how did you get this number I'm married to you oh yeah
I don't know what that was about I'm gonna have to speak to her tonight when I get home I don't know what I don't know if that was about and uh she said what do you want I said well what do you mean what I want what do I it's a bit it's not very not very romantic she said after 35 years of marriage you want romance you left a bit late didn't you I said it's only 10 30 in the morning and then she hung up so I had to
call her back she said who is it says Colin oh not you again what what's going I don't know I have to speak to him and get home I don't I said not we you're going home on your own I'm not coming home with oh I could do with some more support no I know way too much about you already I just wanted to ask you about um I can't even remember why what what I was asking you about but I'm very very very confused right now I don't I don't
know what day it is anymore so go on what are you saying anyway so you phone your wife back yeah yeah cool phone her back Felicity what Felicity what Felicity that's her name all right okay I just thought you decided that was my name and to be honest I couldn't be bothered to argue with you about it like we just decided to call me Felicity and I thought okay fair enough said no it's my wife's name and okay fair okay all right and she she answered the phone and basically I
just said to her look do you did I leave my packed lunch at home she said would you want me to search the whole house do you I said no not the whole house it's not going to be everywhere well you know this why would it it's not going to be in the loft is it there's certain rooms we can probably rule out it's not going to be in the shed it's not going to be in the garage bearing in mind the fact that it's full of junk and we can't
even use it to park your car because we could then I'd be able to park my van onto the driveway every time here we go again on and on about the garage the garage this the garage that when you're gonna move your mannequins from the garage why oh why oh why when are you gonna move all those old tumble dryers from your garage and then we could put the car in the garage and you could put your van on the driveway that's what I hear Steve Colin whatever your name is
that's what I hear when you tell me about the garage when you mentioned the garage and how busy and how full up with junk the garage is you know I hear garage garage garage garage that's what I hear you may be thinking to yourself that you're talking eloquently that you're really putting across your argument in a way that's both intelligent and enlightening but all I hear is garage that's all I hear so maybe you can stop talking about the garage what do you think he could yeah you would go and
stop talking about the garage just just for one day Felicity I don't know what's got into you oh blimey I just wanted to ask about the food did I leave my packed lunch here no do you don't want to you know the amount of times you've phoned you know how many times you've phoned in the past wanted to know if you've left your packed lunch here no I don't know at least 116 times over the last 26 years were you in counting no but you know I'm just it's an estimate
it's a guesstimate it's just a an an average of what I imagine in our times you've walked out of here and sometimes you have left it here other times you haven't maybe considered it might be in a petrol station again that's where you normally leave it oh no I hadn't thought about that oh I should give them a call I suppose you've got the number of you no I haven't so I'm gonna go now but before I go before I go Colin uh I suggest you just look up the number
on on the google you know google just just check that number it's fine just you can do that uh I don't really have time for it right now I'm a bit busy you know looking after all the kids you know that that easy job that I do you know not the hard job you do just sitting around in a van and uh just let you know before you go do you know why I hear when you mention the petrol station having left the you were packed lunch in the petrol station
do you know why I hear petrol station petrol station petrol station that's what I hear so uh are we done now are we can I get on with looking after our children getting them ready for school ready for school it's half 10 in the morning oh yes but uh for the sake of the story let's pretend it's 8 30 shall we okay fair enough I'll call the petrol station can you hear all those kids in the background in the garden yeah where were they don't know they're just just noisy people
shouting oh do you think it was the is the parent that was loud that then caused the child to be loud or do you think it was the child that was just naturally loud because of a child then uh had an effect on the adult so that she spends so much time or he spends so much time with a child that they almost turn into a child and are yelling all the time I don't know I just want to know where my packed lunch is okay so Colin said he then
he phoned up the petrol station and the petrol station said oh no he the petrol station he couldn't find the petrol station so he phoned his wife back up again that wasn't good and she said look if I phoned the petrol station will you promise not to call me anymore today he said okay all right thank you so she phoned the petrol station to see whether or not the what's it was there the packed lunch and then she said uh I was I said this to Colin um yeah because that
that's what happened I was actually in there when your wife phoned and I was just buying a paper and the bloke behind the counter says uh oh can you do us a favor can you take this this packed lunch to the bloke from with the virgin van he's just just up the road I said what he said yeah his wife's on the phone he left it he left it here and he can't get through to here because he he hasn't got the right number for some reason doesn't know how to
use the internet maybe and can you get can you get into phone no can you just take the not get the phone even I'm getting confused um I'm talking by the way oh yeah I'm Jason hi and I said uh okay yeah fine I'll take it what's his name I'll ask her what's his name oh Colin okay Colin apparently I said all right and is that Felicity I asked him he said I don't know what her name is mate that's just the bloke's wife I said okay fair enough so I
just said okay thanks does that mean I get a free paper he said no he said but I'm doing you a favor he said you're not doing me a favor here you're taking a packed lunch his packed lunch to him for him nothing to do with me I'm getting there's no benefit to me whatsoever in fact I've had my eye on that Snickers bar for the last 20 minutes but you know now I can't have it so that's if anything you should be giving me something I said Tarquin you really
you've changed he said yeah I know it's been a rough year it's just I don't know what's got into me lately I think I just it's just been a lot going on you know um ever since I got those new shoes I've had a bit of chip on my shoulder it's I think they raise me up like an inch or so more than my normal height and it just gives me an extra sense of confidence and dare I say maybe a little bit of arrogance and all I can do is
apologize I'm not really sure why I've been like this it's you know we go way back I mean I've I've been working here for at least three months and you know you've been a regular customer and I just I feel like I've let you down I said look Tarquin it's fine can I call you Tarky he said no Tarquin what about Tark he said no Tark he couldn't even say his own name it's terrible twarkin Tarkin top top Tarquin Tarquin win Tarquin anyway I said okay um is that supposed to
be a beard he said look that's enough for now can we just just let it go every time you come in there you mention my beard you got a thing about facial hair I said no it's just I'm able to grow a beard you clearly can't I mean a beard is supposed to join together it's not supposed to be like a big patch you still there's a big patch between your hair on your head isn't there there's almost like they're like a map of the world you know with the sea
in between I said that's that's rude well you said about my face my chin yeah but that's different you're young you know you don't make fun of someone's baldness it's not on he said but you're making fun of my baldness I said it's not baldness you just haven't just young you know once you hit 25 or whatever you probably have a big proper full-on beard I used to struggle he said really I said no no I've always been manly and we both laughed at that one and he said okay so
I'll take the pack lunch do you want me to get you a sneakers bar he said yeah I said really he said yeah I said I haven't brought any money with me he said can you hear that kid screaming again I said yeah I know wonder how far away they're from each other he said wouldn't it be funny if they're actually literally just a few feet away yet they're still screaming at each other I know it would be funny wouldn't it because I imagine what it's gonna be like when she
realizes there's such a thing as telephones maybe that's what it is she just she knows she's got family in other parts of the country and she's just like oh I want to talk to them but I have to shout I better practice it's like no we have telephones we have the internet in fact you don't have to shout anymore to get people to hear you oh anyway I took the pack lunch took it to Colin he had the pack lunch all right I'm gonna close it it's throwing me off now
all that's shouting out there blimey um anyway basically he said they're not gonna have internet in my area so what I've got on my internet is where is it oh where's the speed super high high speed broadband can you can't you just check my speed all right okay I'll put my postcode in this is u switch so I've done this before and it always comes up the same oh you could get up to um who am I currently with other uh select does oh yeah it does have mine other oh
you bum so whenever I go through this whole process same result oh we can get you a great deal 30 gigabytes no 30 megabytes or something like that or vodafone says 67 megabytes average speed oh wow 67 oh 61 there's another one 32 oh wow it's really bad um speed high to low speed 67 megabytes is the top speed I'm gonna get I'll just close the window and it's still noisy wow the thing is if I check if I test my speed of my internet now speed test I should be
able to just do it yeah internet speed test wow I hope you can't hear let me get my headphones on to see whether or not you can hear see I can hear myself I'm getting 40 36 37 megabytes upload our download is 40.37 megabytes down upload is about 15 16 compared to the one gigabyte it's just really slow like proper proper proper proper slow and there's no way around it really I'm just all I'm stuck with however it's going to change in the future there'll be a much quicker internet I've
no doubt about that it's just a case of waiting there it will just speed up and I guess it'll be done by satellite or whatever and just everything will just be super super quick so I'd love to get the one gigabyte or even 100 megabytes I mean it's that's look what I'm getting 40 on a good day 40 megabytes a second download if I get 100 I mean it's gonna just speed everything up but hey it's all right it is what it is what it is what it is um what
was I gonna say I can't know what I was gonna say now I feel like I haven't really got going on the podcast yet I took Billy for a walk I had to put in the bedroom um and he he's been quiet ever since it's weird though because if he was in there he'd probably be barking at that noise because he's in the bedroom don't care he's probably fast asleep it's weird it's weird I tell you it's really weird weird weird weird weird weird weird weird weird anyway so thank you
I'm gonna go now I'm gonna go now thank you for listening remember to be kind to yourself be gentle with yourself because you do deserve to be happy and I will make another one of these tomorrow lots of love bye
Paragraph spacing and recurring name or title errors have been tidied. Because this began as a voice transcription, an occasional word or piece of punctuation may still be incorrect.