#998 Dear Heather Let me bore you to sleep (Jason Newland) (27th April 2023)

Hello and welcome to let me bore you to sleep. My name's Jason Newland and my website's jasonnewland.com. It's a place where you can go to if you want to visit a website and all my podcasts are on there. So every time I release a new podcast episode, Vinnie off the table, no, no, go to bed, go bed, bed.

Every time I release a new recording it is automatically available on my website. If you can hear him, he was fast asleep a second ago. As soon as I get up out of the chair, he springs up.

We don't spring up, I mean he hasn't got a spring inside him. That would be weird, but he's not slinking. Get down, get down off the table, off the table, get down.

The thing is the table's too close to the chair and for some reason he likes to get onto the table. He puts his hands on the table and there's nothing on here for him except electrical equipment to wee on and I don't want him to do that. For various reasons, you know, obviously it could be dangerous for him, which is the most important thing, but more importantly it could, you know, I don't want the equipment destroyed.

Just calm yourself little one. It's five o'clock in the morning or eight minutes past 5am. So I don't normally make a recording this early, but I didn't do one last night because I had an early night.

Only listen when you can safely close your eyes. And yeah, I went to bed about, I don't know what time it was, eight, seven, just after seven, just to have a nap, not to go to sleep, but to have a nap. And then I woke up about, I don't know, 11, 11.30. I took him out to do a wee or a poo, depending on what he wanted to do.

You know, there's no, there's no hard rules for that one. Nope, you can only do a number one. Nope, no number twos, only number one.

So yeah, I did that and then I came back to sleep. And I fell asleep on the sofa with him and he was asleep next to me until four o'clock. I was actually watching a documentary on autism on YouTube and I think the audio of the, well, I guess I watched a few documentaries because I was asleep for a few hours.

So the audio was being turned into a kind of a dreamy movie thing. And then when I did open my eyes and I looked at what I was watching, it had nothing to do with what I was dreaming about. Very different.

Yeah, so yeah, it's weird. And then we went out. This was just after four o'clock.

We went out to do another wee. He did need one bar, I did. And came back, I had my breakfast, watched a little bit of telly.

There's a little bit of telly, just a little bit of news, not much. Like I say, not, not much going on in the world. There's loads going on in the world, but there's not, not a huge amount of television at five in the morning or four in the morning.

A couple of movies that are nearly over. If you're going to cause a fuss, you're going to have to go into the bedroom. You're going to cause a fuss or you're going to go to sleep.

I know what to do. I know exactly what to do and that'll keep him distracted. Right, I'm going to give him a little bony thing.

Will you be a good boy if I give this to you? Let me know. Make a weird noise. Oh, he's licking his lips.

Okay, that's good. That's a weird noise. That's a weird enough.

So before I go any further, I need, I want to read out a message. Well, I don't know whether I should read it out because it was a message sent to me. So I just want to say thank you for the message from Heather.

I'm not going to read it out because it's quite personal and I've read out messages in the past that I shouldn't have done. I didn't, not on purpose, but what I did purposely read them out. You know, I didn't accidentally read off a screen, but I didn't know that they didn't want it to be read.

So if you're listening to this, Heather, just thank you for the message. It was really lovely. It was a really, really beautiful message.

Very kind words. I mean, the basic message was that Heather's been listening since she was 17. Now she is 21.

And she said the Let Me Boyd to Sleep podcast has helped her a lot through this period of her life. So thank you, Heather. It was a lovely message.

I mean, if you are okay for me to read it out, maybe send me a message. But I do appreciate your kind words. And I woke up to this this morning, you know, woke up and I look at the, we all know what waking up means.

I don't want to try to explain it to you. I opened my eyes, I looked around quite confused. Oh, no, not another day.

What's that big thing? I'm always a television. Oh, why am I not in bed? Oh. Yeah, so I didn't.

What's the elephant doing? So yeah, I did. I woke up. And I just check my phone, see if I've had any phone calls, you know, just in cases.

You know, hopefully not an emergency phone call or anything. So I just look and no text messages or anything. And so that's it.

But then I saw that I'd had a message from my website, a message. That was lovely. So thank you, Heather.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. I don't know if I've had any other messages or anything.

And by the way, if anyone's interested, I've got a face group face page group called Jason Newland hypnotist group, which you can join if you want. It is a private group. But just just apply and you get accepted.

As it's only it's only $200 a day. So yeah, cool. So today is Thursday, the 27th of April.

2323. I'm drinking my coffee, which is still still cold. And I just thought to myself, you know, I think reading that message stimulated me not on a weird way, but just it kind of stimulate me to motivate it.

That's pretty bad word, motivated me to want to make another recording. The problem is, was not a problem, really. But the thing is, the fact is, we are getting very close to the 1000th episode.

Very, very close. Oh, that chair is very clicky, very noisy. Sorry.

And so yeah, yesterday, or the day before, whatever I did, or the last recording was number 997. So this is number 998. I'm very pleased with my mathematic ability.

So, you know, I kind of wanted to do something special, but I'm probably not going to. Maybe I'll do something special on the 2000th episode. And if it takes another five years, that means I'll be 57.

And still a virgin. Blimey. 57.

And the third 1000. What's that? 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62. 3000 x 62.

63, 64, 65, 66, 67. So 67, I'll be 4000. 68, 69, 70, 71, 72.

5000. So I'll have 5000 Let Me Boy To Sleep episodes by the time I'm 72. And isn't that weird? I'm not, it's almost impossible for me to live long enough to reach 10,000.

Well, it's not impossible, but 7,000, did I say 5000 x 72? Yeah, I mean, 6000 every five years. So I'll have 5000 by the time I'm 72. By the time I'm 82, I'll have 7,000.

92, I'll have 9,000. So 97. I could have 10,000 episodes of Let Me Boy To Sleep by the time I'm 97.

It is possible. Unlikely, but it is possible. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. 97. I mean, what kind of what kind of stuff am I going to be coming out with when I'm 97 years old? Am I still going to be immature? Am I still going to be living on my own? I mean, at 97, surely I'll have to be in some kind of care home or something being looked after.

Oh, I don't know. 97. Mind you, when you think about it, though, because 52, 62, 72, 82, 92.

So that's 45 years. By then, based on how quickly technology is growing, they'll probably be able to just replace every body part. So I might be 97, but I might have bionic legs and bionic arms and I might actually be a robot with my brain or a robot brain with my body, which would be rubbish, wouldn't it? Imagine having a really good brain, but a 97 year old body.

Yeah, maybe not so great. I can think really quick and I've got access to every single memory in the world and I can do everything. I just have trouble standing.

It's like, yeah, okay, no. So I'd rather have my brain with her. I don't know, would I want to have my brain? I don't know.

He just barked then. I pointed to him and said, shut up now or you're going into the bedroom. He licked the end of my finger.

That's how much respect he has for my telling him off. I mean, to be barking at this time in the morning, 22 minutes past five, and he was barking about half an hour ago, well, 45 minutes ago. He was in the bedroom on the bed and he started barking and I thought, oh, someone's at the door, which is weird at very early, you know, half four in the morning, but it wasn't.

He was still in the bedroom barking. I got interrupted again. Blimey.

You'd think at five o'clock in the morning, there'd be a bit of peace. Anyway, he's now chomping on his bony thing. So he should be not euphemism.

It is actually a bone. Oh, last night, one of the neighbors left a bone outside in a, in a bag for me, for him rather. And it was like a proper bone with meat on it.

And I gave it to him. And just as I tell you this, it sounds like the most boring story in the world, doesn't it? It's like, so you gave your dog a bone. Are you really going to tell us a story about that? It's not the most boring thing I've ever mentioned, is it? Surely.

But I gave it to him anyway. And he loved it. Never given him a bone before.

Not like I've given him bones, but not ones that have meat on. And he's like, oh, and my friend was up here and he said, well, really, you should test him to get the bone back. To make sure to let him know that you're dominant, you're the dominant one.

So I did, I said, give him the bone and he dropped it and he, and I took it. So my friend went. And I thought I'd do it again, just a couple of times, just to let him know that I'm the boss.

Wouldn't let me have it. He held on to it. He wouldn't, I think once he'd given up and he got it back, that was it.

Never again. And I was getting frustrated, but you know, after a little while, I thought to myself. I wouldn't want him taking food out of my mouth.

So why would he want me taking food out of his mouth? It's his, I gave it to him. It's not really fair to be taking it back. And besides, when he does, like when we're out and he picks something up that he's not supposed to, he does let me open his mouth, put my fingers in his mouth and get it out.

He doesn't like it, but he lets me do it. Because sometimes he eats chewing gum, things that I don't think are particularly good for him. You know, I tried to eat a fire engine the other day.

How the hell did he fit it in his mouth? But it's, it's just weird. But then it's his bone. Who am I to sort of just give it to him and say, no, I want it back now.

That's not fair. You wouldn't do that to a human. That's what I kind of thought about.

It's like, no, that's not fair for him. That's the whole story, really. I didn't rehearse it or anything.

I didn't really give too much thought into it. Maybe I could have done. Yeah, that was it.

That's the whole thing. What, you want to know about the statistics? No, you don't, do you? Well, so far today, bearing in mind it's 527, 1780 downloads. Yesterday, 16,500.

That's all I'll say. I won't say any more because it's, it's, I mean, really. The stats change and they come and go and they move around and blah, blah, blah.

I think the most important thing really for me is to just be a bit more consistent. You know what I mean? Yeah, you know what I mean. We all know what I mean.

I'm not always the most consistent person am I? YouTube. How's YouTube going? YouTube. Oh, I've got a message on YouTube.

Gabrielle says, thank you, Jason. Those waves are hypnotic. Thank you.

Love it. That's very kind of you. Someone wrote yes, three days ago.

This is Patero 93. Ayo, this, this, this, this, this, this shit's pretty good. Okay, thanks.

Another person, Friendly Toad, thanks for continuing to make these. I listen every night. And Whispering Jane ASMR, lovely and really relaxing.

Thank you very much. Well, thank you. And I'm hearing sounds.

I don't know if it's pigeons or people. You know, you hear something in the background. I think it's pigeons.

I mean, they're obviously not close because pigeons are loud. So they're clearly a distance away. Because there's a lady downstairs, not in my block, but over the fence.

She randomly screams at herself. I've seen her do it in the garden. She just argues with herself, but absolutely, it's like, and yeah, she's ill.

Fair enough. It's like, a little bit weird. Not weird, it's disturbing, bit unsettling.

Because I want to help but I don't know who to help because there's only one person there. You know, I want to stop it and I want to help like, but how can you just, yeah. So it's a very strange area that I live.

But I was thinking about this and in some ways, in some ways, it's probably a place where I've felt less weird than I have previously felt. Because I've always felt weird. I've always felt like an alien, really, on this planet.

And since I've lived here for eight years, nearly every single person I speak to that I know, like, kind of, has got, maybe come into the category of having an illness, a mental health issue, or have had mental health issues or whatever. Like serious, serious ones. Ongoing, should we say ongoing rather than, because no one's, no one's right really to say what's serious and what isn't serious.

But I'm trying to express that it's quite, it's an ongoing thing. And to them, I don't think I seem quite weird, quite as weird as I do to the general population. I was giving this some thought yesterday.

Because I was thinking, why do I, you know, I've got to get away from here, because it's not, I don't think it's particularly healthy being here. But then I was thinking, yeah, there is something different though. Being, okay, I don't want to say being around other strange people, because I don't want to be calling other people strange.

But perhaps being around similar people, similar, whose society might think, oh, they're acting a bit strange. I don't know. I just never, you know, always been a bit of an alien.

Never really. I mean, I did actually used to think when is the alien ship going to come and collect me? That was ever since watching ET and Close Encounters of the Third Kind. The only two movies I remember an alien ship actually landing on the planet.

In movies, I sometimes used to think when I was little, when am I going to be collected? Because I'm nothing like these people. I'm nothing like my family, any member of my family. I'm not like them.

I don't relate to them. I don't understand them. I don't relate or understand really anybody I've ever met, really.

I understand, like comprehend, but I always felt weird, always felt like, not all the time. I do sometimes meet people and I just click with them and I get on with them. It's very easy.

But it dawned on me that two of my friends, two of my closest friends that I've been friends with for years and years and years, over nearly two decades for one, and nearly two decades for both actually. And both of them have got brothers, grew up with brothers who had special needs. So, they grew up with the ability to be patient and to, I guess, to be less judgmental, maybe, or not less, I don't know, just used to being around.

I'm not saying, I'm not special need, but I would have been at school, I would have been special needs, if they had special needs. Back then, I was very behind. But a lot of that, I think that was just, I was very slow, very backward.

But when I was at school, we used to be called dunces. That was the technical term. I mean, it wasn't as bad as I didn't have to walk around with a hat with a D on.

I mean, that was optional. I did used to choose to do that sometimes not realizing that I thought it was like a superpower. But you know, you kept indestructible or something.

No, it's dunce, it stands for dunce. I mean, there was enough room to actually spell the whole word, but no one knew how to spell it. So, there's a joke there somewhere.

But I could read, that's the only thing I really had going for me. Apart from being cute, I was I was a cute kid. I was.

Yeah, girls used to call me cute. Not in a handsome way. I'm talking even when I was little.

I stopped being cute probably when I got to about 12. Once the spots arrived, once the acne. And I was cute, but never like, I want to date you, Jason.

Because you're so cute. It was more. Oh, cute like a puppy.

Now go away. Stop trying to hump my leg. Not the puppy me.

And I just. Sometimes I kind of quite like to be cute again. I know it's hard to be a cute middle aged man, but it's weird, isn't it? I guess.

But no one's called me cute. Decades, decades, decades. But then no one's called me handsome or said I've not had any compliments actually, really.

I can't remember the last time I actually had a compliment about my appearance. And I can understand why. Because I do own a mirror.

I'm well aware of the aging process behind me. Everyone is. Maybe when you're younger, you're not so much.

But but then you are the one because you think about it when you're 20. And you look yourself in the mirror compared to how you were just three years ago. Or when you're 17 or 16 or 15.

Compare yourself to how you were three years ago. You basically transformed. You turned from a child into an adult physically.

Maybe and I hadn't because I think I was still going through puberty when I was in my early 30s. I was a very low, low, very, very late developer. In fact, my voice didn't break.

It just gradually crumbled. It just wore away. So I didn't like wake up one door a day and like going from hello to none of that.

It was just it just gradually went down an octave, octave, octave, octave every five years or something. I mean, even going back 17, 18 years ago, when I first started doing these recordings, making recordings, my voice was much higher. Honestly, if you listen, it's like, hello, buddy.

My name's Jason Newland. My website's www.jasonnewland.com. And I sounded like a little boy. It's like such a high pitched voice.

But as you can tell now, I'm very manly. I don't know, it's just weird. But yeah, even when you're young, you can see that you're aging.

But then that period between 20 and 30. I didn't notice too much difference, if I'm honest with you. Not a lot of difference.

Yeah, I got a little bit heavier. Once I hit 25, a little bit. But then it was enough to notice because I was so light.

So slim. As I was getting towards 30, my hair was receding a bit at the front. And I did think, oh, I'm going to end up bald.

But it never really got that far. I mean, okay, it takes longer. So you know, if I go from the top of my eyebrows, and just move up until I get to the hair, it takes a few minutes longer now to get there.

But you know, it's a boat ride now. You know, it used to just be like a hop and a skip. Now it's a long haul plane journey.

But it's still there, still got some there. And I used to think to myself, because I used to be a DJ. It's not related to being a DJ, but the lighting used to make my knuckles like, you know, is it knuckles on your hand, on your fingers, and knuckles on your hands, because I've broken my knuckles a few times.

But the joint of your fingers, where your fingers bend, I don't know what they're called. Yeah, I think you find they're called finger joints. No, they're not knuckles.

I don't know. Anyway, I used to see them in the light, and they looked like they were pronounced. And I thought, Oh, this isn't good.

They could they're gonna be all deformed, you know. And then 25 years later, or 23 years later. They are no, they're not.

They're just exactly the same as they was. It's weird. So things I thought might happen haven't.

Things that I guess I didn't think would happen to have. My lower back, the lower back, I've got arthritis in my lower back. And this is not a big deal, really.

It was for a while. But now I do the exercise, and I do lots of walking. I said walking.

And although I haven't done weights for a few months, because when I cracked, fractured my back, I actually gave my weights away. And, but I've got my punch bag. So I do do exercise and stuff.

I need to get some get some weights, but I do a lot of miles and miles and miles every day. And that seems to loosen my back, which is good strengthens it and loosens it. But that that's something that's been coming on for 30 years.

You know, I remember even back in the 90s. I used to like, oh, be stretching because it got used to get tight and a little bit, bit hurty, just a little bit hurty, not not proper, proper hurt, but just like, oh, a bit irritating, bit stiff. But talk about stiffness.

Things change as we get older as well. As I've noticed that certain parts of me are still working OK, which is good. There's a certain, I'm not going to go into details, but there's a certain part that if it doesn't work, and if if a man that has this particular appendage, and and if the physiologically born with this appendage, because that's the only way it would work in this way due to the prostate.

OK, I'm going into so much detail. If said body part wasn't functioning the way that it perhaps used to, and a person would go to the doctor concerned, the first thing a doctor would say is to make sure it's not biological, because it might be otherwise, it might be more due to other reasons rather than the biological. So the first thing the doctor would say is, when you wake up in the morning.

Do you do you get woken up by the alarm clock or do you get woken up by tapping on your below your belly button or above your belly button if you're very lucky? When you wake up, do you feel stiff? Is your body stiff? I don't know, what do you mean doctor? My back's stiff because you know it takes a while before it gets, no not your back. Well my hands, you know, until I played the piano for about half an hour and then my hands start to, my fingers start to loosen up a bit.

You don't play the piano Jason, why are you lying? Well I saw it on a documentary, I think it was some really famous rock star, he had arthritis in his fingers and he played the piano and you know after a while they got loose and he had a good day after that, it just took a while to do that.

So why are you telling me this? I don't know really, I just, I wanted to tell someone, I think it was the bloke, goodness gracious great balls of fire, I think it was that one. I don't care, what's that got to do with what we're talking about? It doesn't have to, not everything has to be about you. Okay, am I stiff in the morning?

Well sometimes, no, no, what I'm saying is are you, is, okay, there's a certain thing that probably happened every day of your life, you know when you perhaps you need to go to, you know when you wake up and you go to the toilet, you do a wee wee, that's pretty much standard I imagine for most people, it's a normal thing when you wake up, you know, okay, and there might be other things that you wake up to, what do you mean? I'm not going into details, but anyway a doctor would say does that happen still?

The morning, the morning greeting as it were, and if the bloke says yes to the doctor, then the idea that it's a physical issue is kind of ruled out, although I don't know if that's fair, but yeah, and then it's like well it must be another reason, and then as I say with, I think one thing a doctor would say is, the one thing they don't say, they don't say it to men or women, I'm pretty sure, so if a woman can't get aroused by their partner and a man can't get aroused by their partner, the one thing a doctor never says is have you considered dating someone you're attracted to?

They never say that, like I don't know if they're not allowed to, have you considered being with someone that you find attractive? And some people listen to that, how could you say that? You know it's true, how could you say, look just because if parts don't work when they're supposed to, it doesn't mean that the person doesn't find the person attractive.

I've been in that situation, okay I haven't because I'm a proper man, no I have, a couple of times, it's just sometimes you just, things don't always go to plan do they? I mean I remember dating a female once and she was just so beautiful and so lovely, and wait a minute, that wasn't me, no that was a movie, and anyway yeah, so why am I talking about this for? I've no idea, I really don't know, wait just slowly, slowly, slowly, what's the time? What's the time Mr Wolf?

Let's have a little bit more of my cold coffee. Dear Jason, I was just about to get to sleep and I just heard you slurping your coffee, I'm very, very disappointed in you. I cannot stand, I cannot tolerate the sound of somebody slurping a drink.

It disgusts me and I'm very, very disappointed in you. It's the worst thing that's happened ever to anyone ever. Okay, good that you've got a, you know, you've got a perspective on the situation, you've got a grasp on reality there.

It's the worstest thing that anyone's been through, listening to you slurping your coffee. I remember I did this recording back in 2011, no 2012, 2012, so 11 years ago. I moved into this room and it's a tiny, it's basically the room that I lived in before I moved here, I was there for a few years and well 12, 13, 14, 15, 12, 12, 13, 14, yeah I was there for three years, over three years.

So I got, I got a chest infection when I literally like probably a week or two in to moving in there. So I hadn't made a recording for about 10 days, nine days, something like that and I wanted to make a recording. So I decided I was going to do it and this was a video, so it wasn't, there's no editing, it was just press record, video myself and then upload, that's how I used to operate back then.

You know it's, I just, I don't know, I just didn't, for some reason I didn't want to, because I thought if I edited it you could see that I wasn't talking, you know, that you could see the cut in the video. Now most video, YouTube videos do that, they didn't used to do it back then, I don't think so much, but everyone seems to do it and no one cares, but to me that just looked messy, it's like I want it to stream and flow right from start to finish, no breaks, no inter, inter whatever, intervals, interruptions, interviews, interpretations, whatever, none of those things, and so I thought, you know what, what am I going to do if I feel the need to cough?

So I thought, yeah I know, I'll have some water, I'll have a bottle of water next to me. So I did this recording, sitting in a chair, what, I videoed myself doing it, and I had to drink some water every now and then, just to sort of keep my throat going, and I managed to talk for about 50 minutes or something, might be in over an hour, I can't remember what the recording was for now, I forget.

Well, someone complained, I think it was on YouTube, and it's a moaning saying, I'm hearing you drinking water, like, well I was drinking water so that I could talk, you, imagine having to apologize for drinking water, well I didn't need to, I didn't apologize, I was like, come on man, give me a break, if you're so sensitive, that you can't hear someone drinking water, that he's just like, well, how do you get through life, that's gotta be hard, isn't it, and there's one thing not liking the sound, like, you know, I don't like the sound

of people kissing, all that slurping, like, especially when they're on the bus behind me, I can't stand it, now if they're in front of me, I don't mind, because I can watch them, but if they're behind me, I've just got the sound effects, it's just, you know, it's like, it's like watching Avatar with your back to the screen, you're not going to enjoy it, watch this from the sound, it might sound good, it might sound really brilliant, not that I'm really into Avatar, I don't know, it's just, but it didn't really, it didn't really touch

me, the way that it clearly touched the world, because biggest movie of all time, just, yeah, I don't know why, it just didn't, didn't really warm to it, it was, it was okay, just, I could see what they were getting at, you know, they were clearly making a quite, there was a message in the movie, clearly, and maybe that's why I didn't like it, I mean, well, I didn't dislike it, but maybe that's why I didn't like really, or I want to shag it, yeah, I didn't get that excited, because I don't necessarily want a

message from the movies I watch, I like them just to be just a movie, and maybe I watch too much news to not want to be reminded of the news when I'm watching a film, a film, maybe, it's a great, great film, it just wasn't, wasn't really for me, and yeah, special effects were great, I don't think that, was it been, how long has it been since the last one?

I personally couldn't see much difference in the special effects this time around, because I've seen the second, I've seen part of the second one, and maybe it's just me, maybe it's just, maybe they were so advanced the first time, that these special effects haven't quite, you know, evolved as quickly as they needed to, but they're evolving really quickly now, there's a lot of, you know, all the special effects and stuff, it's getting to the point where someone in their bedroom on their laptop could put together a movie, it'd take a while to do it, but

they could put together a movie, and if they're creative enough, it could be a hit, you know, so that, I guess that will happen, there will be an AI movie at some point, where the script is created by AI, the movie, the characters or the images, everything created by AI, and a movie put together by AI, I don't have to keep saying AI really do I, but the whole thing, the whole thing processed and done, and it need help, you know, you need a human being to put the bits together, I guess, like a jigsaw

puzzle, but the end result could be a really, really good movie, and the actors would even look, could even look realistic, like real people, which is not good for future actors really, is it, and I think we're a way off the, well, I don't know, but I can't imagine actors can be replaced completely for quite a while, but there may come a time, I mean, it's the idea that you'll be able to just, he's drinking a drink now, he's cleansing his palette, he's like, I'm not a painter, not that kind of palette, he, blimey, who

are you, and you haven't got a girlfriend, that surprises me, so I, wow, he just drunk about half of the bowl of water, all in one go, that's some proper tongue action, yeah, so what was I talking about, drinking water, drinking cold coffee, stiffies, I don't know, what was I, feel like an alien, yeah, I always used to feel like an alien, like when is the plate, when is the, when is the spaceship going to come and get me, not get me, but just, like why did you leave me here, there's a few theories I

had when I was a kid, one was that maybe, I did believe that I was a twin, I don't know why, I believed that I was a twin, and that's why I didn't really feel, but part of me wasn't there, I was white, I was half of a whole, if you know what I mean, which I know is not how twins are, because they're a whole person on their own, but I thought there must be something that's gonna, that will happen, that will cause me to feel normal, I'll feel like a normal person, whatever normal

is, I just feel, won't feel so out of touch or out of place, and nothing ever has, I'm still waiting, where's that bloody spaceship, the thing is, I don't know if I'd want to go back, wherever that is, and I had a telescope, when I was a kid, I'd like to say that I was looking for my family, but I wasn't, there was a girl I fancied across the road, no there wasn't, there was, what were you doing, stop making weird noises, there was, but I didn't have a telescope aimed at her bedroom window, because

firstly, that's not the kind of person I am, or ever have been, even when I was a kid, and secondly, my bedroom window didn't aim towards her window, it was, it went to the back garden, and the only way to look through her window, was to be going into my big brother's bedroom, and no one wanted to do that, so yeah, that was strange, you know, it's weird times, so this, I had a bedroom downstairs, it was quite a big room, not a big room, but it was, it was a fair size room, and bearing

in mind, we all had single beds back then, and I had my telescope, and I had my toys, and all that stuff, and it was, it was cool, and then I moved upstairs, we had a, my little, my little brother, he was tiny, and he lived in, it basically was a box room, it was, it wasn't really big enough to be a proper bedroom, but he was small, so he stayed in there for a couple of years, a few years, but then when he was about three or four, maybe five, I don't know, he needed

his own space, maybe four, whatever, he needed more room, so I moved upstairs, and we used to have a playroom at the top, so both my older brothers, one lived in this, neither of the rooms were particularly big up there, apart from one, that was the playroom, so my oldest brother lived in one, and the other one lived in the other, you know, different rooms, and the playroom, it was good having a playroom, we had a snooker table in there, or a snooker pool table, a tennis table that used to fit on top of the

snooker table, it wasn't a full-sized snooker table, it was big enough, but I was, my brothers, they used to let me win anything anyway, so I didn't really enjoy it, and, but it was good, it was nice to be able to go up there and just, you know, hang out and play some music and stuff, but then when my little brother needed his, a bigger room, my oldest brother moved into the playroom, so that went, the playroom went, that was gone, and I moved into my oldest brother's room, and the window in that room faced

the wall of the house next door, seriously, what the heck is the point in that, having a window facing a wall, no light came in, like zero light, because the house I was in was semi-detached, so facing the front of the house, on the left, it was attached to another house, on the right, there was an alleyway, and then there was another house, so I was on that wall, the side wall, that was where my window is, or was, it needed light on the whole time, so, but it was still my favourite room, probably still

is my favourite room I've ever been in, I did, did like that room, at the top of the house, away from everything, it's nice, I mean I would have preferred a bit of light coming in to be honest, because I'm not really an outsidey person, unless I can be left alone, now I would love to sit in the garden if no one ever came into the garden, and I never had to see anyone, but unfortunately that doesn't happen, you know, it would only happen if I get my own garden, you know, get my own place,

and then I can sit in the garden, read a book, it'll be wonderful, wonderful, it's kind of like a little dream, me and Vinnie, you know, I need a garden if, you know, with him, so, even if it's rented or whatever, I'll just get a place somewhere nice, have a big garden for him to run around in, have a cat flap so he can come and go, don't you mean a dog flap, no, have you seen the size of him, a cat flap, cats are bigger than him, he's tiny, tiny little thing, so have a

cat flap so he can come and go as he pleases, and I wouldn't probably sit in the garden per se, it would be more, because I need to be sheltered, I can't sit in the sun, my skin's not built for the sun, never was, never has been, you know, it's, I've got face, well, I've got pink skin, I'm pink, I'm not white, I'm pink, I'm whitish, but my face is pink, I've got a pale skin, some people say ginger skin, I've got ginger skin, maybe, you know, we've got the ginger gene in my family, and

I've got freckles and stuff, and you might say, well, you mean the ginger gene, well, I've mentioned this before, but at least one of my aunties, my uncle and I think another auntie, were ginger, and not my, my nan's brothers and sisters, her brother was definitely, used to be a ginger, he was, had hardly any hair, and he was grey when I met him, but he was in his late 70s, three, I think three of my cousins, maybe more, have had ginger kids, you know, that's not a, like I say, it's not an accident, but

it's, and the father wasn't ginger, if it's offensive to you to hear the word ginger, I'm not saying it offensively, because I've got family that have that colour hair, so it's not redhead, red, it's not red is it, it's ginger, there's nothing wrong with that, and I've dated girls with ginger hair, and I've liked them, I've always seemed to be attracted to ginger haired girls, I dated one at school, I dated, dated one when I left school, dated another one when I left school, dated another one, another one, another one, really liked another one, but

didn't date her, but was friends with her, and another one, I don't know what colour hair it was, but she was ginger, she was kind of that way, but I didn't know really, she kept changing her hair colour, so there's been about eight, eight females in my life that have been ginger, that I can remember, so there was another one as well, I think, so yeah, I like that colour hair, and I think it goes together with my hair, the kind of hair I have, because I have very curly hair, now which I've noticed with

ginger, I can have different, different types of hair, but sometimes very curly, or it's very straight, and I used to know someone that had ginger hair, but her hair was curly, she had it, I think she straightened it, because she had it long, but it was curly, proper like, proper curly, and really liked her a lot, I really liked her, we were friends, I liked her, I did my half like her, and it's weird, because I was 31, and she was, I don't know, a little bit more than 10 years younger than me, and we

were working together, not together, together, but we worked different teams, I think if we'd been in the same sales team, I would have got to know her a lot better, but even though, even though we didn't work anywhere near each other, I still got to know her, and we'd hang out outside at break times and stuff sometimes, and what was my point on that one?

I just really liked her, that's all really, but yeah, oh yeah, when I was, I thought she's too young for me, I'm just too old, I'm an old man now, I'm 31, I didn't realise at the time that I was young, 31's not old, 31's, I was a child still, still pretty much, and at 52, I'm a teenager now, that's where I, you know, I won't, I won't grow up until I'm probably 90, 95, I think I will be an actual adult by then, mentally anyway, he's just, he's at my foot, he's staring at that

bone, the one that he's completely, you know, cleaned last night, he's just staring at it, it's like he's trying to, he's trying to force his mind to make it have meat on it again, why haven't you got meat on it, have meat again, have meat again, he's just willing it, I can see he's staring right at it, like willing it to transform back to how it used to be, you used to be fun, you used to be enjoyable, now you're just a bone, bone dry, you might say, oh well, so thank you for listening, I've

done another boring recording, I'm sure you agree, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very boring, thank you for listening and remember to be kind to yourself because, because, because you deserve to be happy, do something nice for yourself, be gentle with yourself, lots of love, bye.

Finny, don't do that on the carpet, oh, do, do it on the bed, not do it on the carpet, that's no training, is it?