#917 I repeat - Let me bore you to sleep (Jason Newland) (2nd November 2022)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. Yep, it's that time again. Welcome to let me bore you to sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

And the, yeah, my website's jasonnewland.com. So hey, I really do need to do some tidying up. I really do need to do. Too many do's in that sentence, wasn't there? I need to do do.

That means I really need to do it. It's like a, not just a, maybe like a rule. I've just had a little bit of a shave, which is probably weird considering I've got this big beard, but sort of shaved around it to try and make it make it make it look a bit more tidier.

I'm not sure if it worked. I'm not sure. Glasses were a bit steamed up for some reason.

Ah well, so I hope you're well and and I had a lovely message from, where is it? Where is it? It's it's there from Roof. Roof says hi. Hi Roof.

Just a quick message to say a huge thank you for your podcasts, especially the stop smoking sessions. They have been instrumental in my finally being able to quit the ciggies for good. Yay, good for you.

Just wanted you to know how much I appreciate the help and to encourage you with your podcasts. You do so much good. Hope the mouth's feeling better.

The mouth's feeling better. Best wishes Roof. Thank you Roof, that's very kind.

I'm glad that my podcasts have been useful. I think it's strange the noises our throats make. They're not very noticeable unless you stick a microphone up your nostrils.

You know if you've got a microphone right in your face you can hear the weirdest noises. I've pretty much been breathing for quite a while, but now I get a little bit self-conscious, a little bit sometimes, but it's okay. Itchy ear.

So thank you Roof, that's very kind. What's happened? Oh, the TV's gone weird. It's basically gone off of what it was.

I did have it on a video of me, but in the background, like there was a video of me and I thought it'd be funny just to have a still frame of me. I don't know why, it just amused me. But the TV's taken it off.

So even the television rejects me. So was it Wednesday today I think? Wednesday the 2nd of November. And yeah, that's where we are.

Oh yes. So I hope you're all okay. I hope everything's fine.

I'm trying to make regular video versions of the podcast or film myself making the podcasts. And it's just, it's a lot of falafel sometimes. But it'll be worth it in the end.

But I'm probably not going to make a video of every podcast. And also, if you are listening, if you're watching this on YouTube, you're only going to be watching the version without music. Unless I add some music.

I'm pointing at you now. Unless I add some music. But it will be different from the podcast.

And I do different versions of the same podcast episode. So I've got one which is 10 hours long, with music and like affirmations, positive affirmations, counting down and things like that. Quite, quite a low level volume.

Which can be, well, I'm guessing that they're useful because they are the most popular ones out of all of them. Whatever podcasts I do, the one that are 10 hours long, are way more popular than any of the others. Although some people prefer the five hours.

Some people prefer the ones without music. Some people prefer the ones with background music, but just for the same length as the normal recording. So it's everyone to their own.

It's, you know, if no one listened to a particular version of the recording, like no one ever listened to the five hour ones, for example, I'd cease to do them. But because people do listen to them as well. I continue.

I continue. Yes. So everything's going okay.

It's quiet. This is an average day here. It's been very windy.

Very, very, very, very windy. Like proper windy. Two days of wind.

And I'll be honest, I like wind. I do. Provided it's not coming out of someone's bum and it's facing towards me.

I like wind. I just do. I like the sound of it.

Even when it rattles the windows. And I just quite like it. I like nature.

Or should I say I like hearing nature. I'm quite an auditory person. So I do like to listen to things.

I like the sounds of some things. I'm visual as well. You know, I do appreciate like a good movie, you know, the special effects or the cinematography.

I quite I do appreciate that. And some other beautiful things I like to see. I like to look at.

But I think I'm more of a using my ears then. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, sometimes I watch a YouTube video and I'll close my eyes and the video is a lecture or it's a video about brain functions. Yeah, I'm great. I'm great fun at the weekend.

You know, it could be anything. It could be a video from a specialist on chronic pain or it could be, you know, whatever. And, you know, maybe it lasts for an hour, an hour and a half.

I close my eyes. I'll just lean back on my chair and listen. It's nice.

Sometimes I'll stick Spotify on and listen to an album or sometimes I'll listen to audible, listen to a book. Sometimes I'll listen to the radio. And my favorite radio station is LBC, which is.

It's like most of the radio shows are phoning and not all of them, but most of them are. And I mean, I'm interested. I'm interested to hear different people's opinions.

And. Constantly surprised. I've set myself to sleep here constantly.

I'm rocking myself. That's what it is. I'm rocking my chair.

I'm basically I'm doing everything but myself, you know, so I'll turn this little baby rocking away and fall asleep. It's nice just to sit there with my head back and, you know, just listen to the radio or listen to some music. When I'm in bed, say if I have a nap, sometimes when I go to bed at night, I listen to the radio or I will listen to audible.

Sometimes I think earlier today. So I got up quite early and I went back to bed. Things recording and I listened to I'll tell you what it was.

What was it? It was on Spotify, the 50 greatest pieces of classical music. And I mean, I don't know how long it lasts for, but. A long time.

It doesn't give the time. Normally they do, don't they? No. OK.

But it was really good. It's like really some very well-known songs, but it's all kind of slow. And I just lay there and it's relaxing because sometimes it's a radio show.

And sometimes, you know, sometimes they get a little bit heated, a little bit, a little bit excited. Because of the subject matter. It's not always that relaxing.

And sometimes if I'm listening to audible, listening to a book and if it's a book that I've not listened to before. Then I might not know what the content is going to be. And, you know, it might be.

Oh, what was that? Well, there might be, you know, a bit of a jingle. There's on a Friday night, I quite like to go to bed and listen to LBC radio. And it's a DJ called Nick Abbott.

Is it still DJ or is it radio presenter? But either way, his name's Nick Abbott. But he does jingles and he does sort of weird sounds during the show. And none of them affect me apart from one.

There's one particular thing and it's like it's a happy birthday tune and it's quite a high pitch. So that is what wakes me up every time. It wakes me up.

So I drift off and then I. And I genuinely, for at least at least a second, don't know what it is. I'm thinking, is it my phone? Is my phone ringing? Is it a text? Why would it be a text? I haven't had a tune connected to my texts since 2003. You know, no one needs a tune attached to their texts.

I mean, at the most vibrate. I don't even have vibrate. You know, my screen flashes on and off if I get a text and if the phone's near me, I see it.

There's really going to be an urgent text, an emergency text. Not in my life. I mean, I realize maybe some people's lives there is, but for me, if something's an emergency or very important, I'd call them.

I wouldn't send them a text. But saying that I've I've been dumped by text at least twice. So it's a long time ago.

That's when it was a popular thing to do. That's when it was fashionable. But I don't have I don't.

I just don't want to be. I don't get many texts. I don't get much in the way of phone calls or anything, really.

I get the occasional text and but it's not very often. More like, how are you doing? That's about it. But I know there's someone sitting in the garden a few weeks back and their text went off.

It was probably every 30, 40 seconds. Do do do do do do do do do something like that, you know, and it went on for about two or three hours. It was in the summer, so I guess maybe there was some baby in or whatever.

I don't know who it was. I do. No, I don't.

And I was excited on my windows open because it was summer. In fact, I had my windows open in the winter. Got them open now.

I feel I've got them open. I've definitely got them open in the bedroom. There's a there's a certain smell in there that has to be released daily.

There is I don't know what that probably is, but it's just why would I say that? Why? Why? Why? I love the windows open. I like to have some air. You know, it's nice.

So something that I've been doing something I've done is a new thing. Where is it? I. Have started. No, this isn't right.

No. OK, so I'm coming back. You lost me for a second.

Where is it? OK. I started to share. My.

Sort of promote. My posts on Facebook. So you can boost posts if you if you put something on your page.

So let's have a look. My Facebook page is. Where are you? Oh.

I'll tell you what, if I come out of there, I go. Oh, there we are. Facebook, Jason Newland, hypnotist.

So I've got 27000 followers. Which isn't, you know, and it took me 17 years to get that. And.

OK, fair enough. So what I've been doing is I started. Sharing or boosting rather the posts I put onto that page.

I did this a couple of days ago. I just started. So it's a new thing, a new thing.

This is really I'm trying to professional insights, insights. What are you doing? I'm trying to find out how to do an overview. OK, anyway, I've.

I started to post, but I don't know how it works. I guess it's posted on the main. Facebook page, I guess, as an advert or something.

So far, I've shared. Shared. A. Yet the Spotify podcast for the let me boy to sleep and I shared the relaxing hands video that I did was a podcast as well.

That was on. That was two days ago. And I also shared my last let me boy to sleep.

But that's not being that's still being processed. At the moment. But so far.

For the nine hundred, what is going on? That's really strange. I'm trying to figure it out. Go here.

This is weird. Professional dashboard. OK.

It says that. To offer the Spotify. It basically says over 900 podcast episodes since 2018.

Let me boy to sleep just on a new land. So post reach 2003. I guess from that, it's been shown 2003 times and I've had 52 engagement, 52 people engage with it.

I guess clicked it and watched, listened or went to the podcast or whatever. And with the ASMR number 460 relaxing hands, deep sleep whisper from two days ago, I've had 1376 people reached, but I've had 149 people click. So it's a much higher, higher, less people reach, but a lot more people engaged.

So. And I've had. Seven new page likes to this page as well to the Facebook page.

So is this one of those is. I have done it before. It's not the first time I've done it.

But yeah, I really have done it. I've done it a few times. Wasn't that long ago.

Seymour, this one went through when the first one was. Seymour. Seymour.

I just want to see how far back. Blimey. Oh, no, this isn't.

This is just telling me how the engagement, how many people clicked on the post that I put and how many people it reached. That's all it is. So.

When I posted something on Saturday, the 29th of October, it reached 49 people, 49 people saw it. And but I didn't pay anything. I just posted it.

But when I paid it reached, you know, I was getting one thousand three hundred seventy six or two thousand three. And instead of one engagement, one hundred and forty nine people clicked on it or fifty two on the other one. And that's for a pound a day, a pound, just a pound pound for each one per day.

And I can have it for one day or I can have it for a year. You know, it's obviously I'm going to have it for a year, but just just let you know, you know, that's what I mean. It's it's it's up to me.

So it just shows how. For such a small amount, that's what I'm going to be doing is. Do I've got another thing that I've got is I've got all these things going on.

I'm trying to. Help to promote what I'm doing. So I'm using these different tools.

Yeah, I said the word tool. And. I'm going to be just testing because I had this idea, actually.

Sniffy, I had this idea. Tell me what you think. He's got a couple of ideas.

Tell me what you think. I just realized that one might not be popular, but. Here's the idea.

Drinking at drinks made my throat go all weird. The first thing I was thinking of doing is. Well, it's not first or second, really just two different things.

I'm thinking of putting together. Like a little podcasting course. Now, not from a really difficult perspective, like make it all complicated and.

You know, to show off how technical I am, because. I want to. I want to make it really simple.

Because. I'm very simple. You know.

I've always tried to keep things quite. Basic. And you can tell if you if you watch my videos or in the past, everything's a bit basic.

However. I realized I do know a few things. So.

I might be useful to a very beginner. Like a very beginner, not someone that knows what they're doing and they've already been doing it for a while. No, I'm not.

I'm no expert on anything. But for a very beginner who's never had a podcast, doesn't know what equipment to get, doesn't know, you know, what podcast hosting to use. Maybe doesn't.

Not sure about editing software or other stuff that I've kind of had to figure out along the way. I've still got a long, long way to go. I'm still very basic.

And then, you know, little promotional things, things like that. So be a very, very beginners course. And maybe do it for you to me.

But I'll be coming from a perspective of building something over 17 years. Starting and having tested. Pretty much every podcasting host.

That there is, apart from some of the newer ones that maybe have come over the last few years. And. And, you know, all the like the sharing with the different podcasts and all the different things to the RSS feed and all things that can seem a little bit daunting, I guess, to someone that's, you know, all they want to do is just make a recording and release it, you know, like, there you go.

And to make it as easy as possible for people. So that's what I was thinking. Maybe.

I might make a little course and it will be little. I mean. I don't know.

Because clearly I struggled to condense things down verbally. It takes me an hour to order a sandwich when I go into Greg's. So it's, you know, I don't know if I'm.

Because I'll be having I'll be making videos and I'll be doing some audios and there'll be some PDF files and stuff like that. They really need to change the name of that PDF file. PDF file.

If you say it quickly. Mind you, PDF. The file bit is redundant, isn't it? Doesn't it stand for file? Isn't the F for file? PDF.

Portable document format. No, it doesn't. That shows you what I know.

But now I do. We all know now. Did you know before? I knew what portable document format PDF was.

Because they've been around for forever. Since I was three. Ton.

Ah, PDF. So PDF file. PDF file.

PDF file. See, you can't say it quick, can you? I wonder if anyone else has noticed that. So I. That should be the title of this.

Do not say PDF file too quickly. The other thing. The other thing.

Is. My patron. Now.

I do have a patron. I don't know if I can sign into it here. So I. Oh.

Accept. I accept. I accept.

Sign in. J. Verify this device. By seeing a very nobody there.

Here. Here. Okay.

Actually, to be fair. Sign into Patreon. Now Google.

J. It's that one. No, it's that one. Because I get.

I see if it's there. You see this. Nope.

I don't know what it is then. Forgot. Update.

Oh. Anyway, I shouldn't do that now. I was thinking.

To offer. I'm laughing at this. I shouldn't really.

I was thinking. Of maybe offering people. My listeners.

Watchers on video. You know, YouTube, whatever. But, you know, a podcast listeners.

An opportunity to. Sponsor me or support me on Patreon. Offer them.

That sounds good, doesn't it? It's very salesy. Offer you the opportunity. To give me money.

What it would be is. I could then offer. And post.

My podcast episodes. On to Patreon. Ad free.

So there's no adverts. So, you know, for just a monthly. Fee.

To see you could support me on Patreon. And I could. Have that.

Because I can. I can make. Recordings.

Though. Will only be available. In Patreon.

And if you have to be a member. That's kind of obvious, isn't it? I don't know why I'm explaining that. Yeah, we figured out what you meant.

When you said it. The first time. And yeah.

So, you know. Only. Patrons.

Would be able to have access to those record. Yeah, we got it. The second time as well.

Okay. I don't know why. I just want to explain it.

I'm excited. Semi-excited. I got a semi.

Of excitement. Going on. It's raining now.

Can you hear that in the microphone? The line. Can you hear the line? I don't know. So.

It could be a way of doing things. It could also be. You could have access to the recordings.

Before. They're available. On the podcast as well.

So it's kind of like a double. A double excitement. I don't know what the.

What the recommended amount would be. I really don't know. But.

Is it something that would be useful? To you. Because. To be honest.

The cost of running this is. It's gone up exponentially over the last couple of years. With all the equipment I've got and.

Just promote it. It's just all adds up. Software and.

The various different things that I pay out for. So. And I'm very limited to how many adverts I can have on the podcast.

So if I was a normal podcaster. I was just normal. I just want to be normal.

Please let me be. I want to be a real boy. And I just thinking.

I would have. Three times the adverts on my podcast. I would have a. Adverts beginning.

I'd have adverts at least one in the middle. With the length of my podcast probably two or three throughout throughout. But at least one in the middle.

And then another one at the end. Now I don't have any podcasts once. Any adverts once it started.

Once the recall once I start talking. There's no adverts. In between or at the end.

Just the beginning. And they're not always on. You know this depends.

I don't have any. I don't have any control over. When they're on.

But it's they're available. That slot is available. Which means you know if I was doing like an interview podcast or.

Stories about true crime. They're very popular. Things like that.

I'd be able to put adverts in. And I'd have. Three times the amount coming in.

Three times the amount of adverts being listened to. Which would then mean. I would be.

With Spreaker be honest. I'd be like a special. Kind of like a special client to them.

Because then I would have my own service advisor person. I wouldn't have to pay. To use their service.

Because of the revenue I have coming in. So I wouldn't have to pay for the podcast hosting. And I'd have more money coming in.

It's kind of you know. But at the moment. Because I've only got adverts at the beginning.

I'm not eligible. For all the other stuff that I would most people would have if they had adverts and if they were the same level of. Listenership that I am.

They would have that. You know if. Yeah if someone else is getting 300,000 plus downloads a month.

They would automatically. But not automatically. But they would very likely have not have to pay.

For their. For their thing. For their hosting.

Because they'd have adverts in the middle in them. You've already told it. Why are you repeating yourself JJ? There's a thing.

There's a thing in. Public speaking. Isn't there? The thing is.

You tell the people. You tell the audience. What you're going to say.

You then tell them. What you're going to tell it. Then you'd say it to them.

And then at the end you tell them what you said. Sort of sound like that. So that's kind of what I'm doing.

But just one after another. Maybe. Should we do some active listening? Just nod your head furiously.

Like a nodding dog. Active listening. Oh man.

Oh that's made me dizzy. I can't. Active listening.

I've seen that in action. And it's. Some people genuinely are interested in what's being said.

And you can tell that. Whether they're nodding. Whether they're knitting.

Whether they're like. Digging a hole in the ground. You can tell how interested someone is.

By their. Kind of just generally their demeanor. Their.

If someone's very. Not interested. Why pretend you are.

If you're not. It doesn't seem much point in that. Does it? I mean.

Even if. Even if it's an interview. So you're interviewing someone.

Let's say you. You know. That's your job.

Interviewing people. Why show an interest in that person. If they're not.

Interested in you. You know. If they're not.

Stimulating you. Because that's. That's kind of.

That's not on there. That's on them. Isn't it? To be interesting.

To you. As the interviewer. As the interviewee.

It's down to them. To be interesting. To grab your attention.

Before anyone says anything. I know. I just repeated myself again.

This is one of those repeaty. Podcasts. So there.

What's it to you? What's it to you? Oh, I got an itchy back. Oh, that's better. So yeah.

That's what I'm thinking. Maybe. I don't know.

If that would be of interest. It'll only be $1,000 a week. You know.

So it's not much. What? I might have like a really high. Level of just.

Just. Have a basic level. Then have a really high level where.

Maybe I'll do podcasts. In a bask or something. I don't know.

I don't know. Just. Why would I say that? Should I get my own? You know what? I reckon.

If I went on Facebook. I could get people to pay me money. Not open and only fans.

Page. Not to open it. Not to start one.

I reckon I could raise quite a lot of money. To not start. Why am I keep repeating that as well? I'm repeating everything today.

Including the repeating everything. Had a little nap earlier. Got woken up.

20 to 9. Yeah, nearly two hours ago. No. No.

Maybe three hours ago. Time goes so quickly. I hardly done anything since then.

Yet. The time has gone so quickly. It's nearly time for buh-byes.

Just checking the. Checking the audio still recording. Otherwise you're just going to have the.

Camera sound. That will happen. That will.

It happened before when I forgot to press. Record. But luckily it was like 15 minutes in.

So I started again. Now if I stop. If I start.

And I forget to press record on. The camera. It doesn't matter so much.

But you know as long as I got the podcast. That's the main thing. But if I'm sitting there talking for an hour.

And I haven't got the audio. That's just. It's just like what I do the rest of the time.

When I'm not making recordings. Just chatting to myself. Because sometimes I'll.

I will sit there and I'll talk to myself. I thought I'd explain that to you. Stop mansplaining.

Mansplaining. Some of the terms these days. You know.

Lately over the years. I don't know. I've not looked into it.

But it's always been like that. And what I mean is. Does the.

Society. I guess it must be. Bringing new phrases.

And new words. And new terms. And almost.

Try to rewrite. Or try to change the language. Does it happen in all languages? I don't know the answer.

I do wonder. That's my ankle gone again. It's weird.

Very crickety. Mr Cricket. I just want to be a real boy.

So I just think. I just wonder. Because I don't remember that.

In the 90s. I don't remember. Any particular new terms.

I remember the 2000s. About 2001. People started being shabby.

Shabby or whatever. And it was like a new. Like pretending to be.

I don't know what it was. Exactly. I didn't really understand.

The chav. Title. I think it's.

People that. Didn't necessarily have. Much.

Would. Dress. I don't know.

Like wear designer clothes or. It's like. I don't know if it was.

I think it was like the middle class. Putting down the working class. Who actually.

Were doing okay for themselves. And trying to you know. Drive nice cars and dress nicely.

I don't know. I think that might be what it is. I might be wrong.

But as a working class person myself. I've never been middle class. And.

I do wonder. Was I middle class. When I was born.

Working class. I was born. You know I lived in a council.

Estate. When I was born. My nanny granddad lived on a council estate.

All of their lives. And then they moved. And they moved to another council estate.

And they lived there all of their lives. You know so. I. You know.

I'm definitely not. I would say I'm upper class. I'm.

I'm not sure I would say that. That's the albino gorilla. Boris.

Albino gorilla. That's cruel. We can say stuff like that.

Albino. It's. I don't think I've ever seen anyone as white as him in my life.

He was the whitest prime minister. Ever. He was.

No one mentioned it. No one. No one really seemed to.

No one seemed to notice. Very white. Like.

I'd love to be that white. Instead of pink. I've got a pink face.

I was born a pink face. I'd love to have a white face. I'm not white.

You're Caucasian. No. I'm pink.

If anything. I'm probably Apache. I must have some kind of Apache.

Heritage or something. That's what I think. And it's not derogatory.

It's just generally. I reckon. I hope I have.

Can you imagine. Being. Having your hereditary to.

An original. The original people. Of the land.

To be able to trace it back. So if I. If my. Let's say.

Let's say my granddad. Because he. I don't know.

Just saying. Let's say he was. He went out to.

His dad. So my granddad's dad. Went out to.

America. And. Maybe his dad.

And got into a relationship. With someone from a tribe. From a Apache.

I don't know what the correct. Terminology is these days. But you know.

Whatever the. The correct term is. And.

He got pregnant. Came back to England. Had the baby.

His wife didn't know. You know. She just.

Assumed. That it was English. You know.

Hers. But noticed. That there was.

Just. A little difference. Like to dance.

Like to dance around fires. And so. No.

I don't know. This is wrong. But.

Holding a tomahawk. No. It's.

I don't know. That's what I think. I think I'm definitely.

Not. From a. There's. There's.

There's something in me. I mean. I might.

To be fair. Because of where I'm living. In England.

My heritage may be the Romans. Explain this nose. And.

Of course. They weren't white were they? They were tanned. So maybe that's what it is.

Maybe I've got. Like some of that in me. Maybe I. Maybe.

Julius Caesar. Was on the boat. Coming over here.

To visit. He got pregnant. And.

He. He. He pooed out the baby.

Left it here. And then. My great.

Great. Great. Great.

Great. Great. Great.

Grandad. Married her. Or.

Him. She. Him.

Or whatever. You know whatever. Whichever way it was.

And then. Here I am. Because.

This. Red skin. It's not just me.

It's hereditary. It's come from. Like.

There and then from there. So. You know.

This is. This is a weird. Thing is.

Look. The rest of me is fine. I say it's fine.

But. It's different. It's just a. Facial thing.

It's not fair. No. There is another part.

But yeah. Anyway. So yeah.

I'm wondering. If it's. Maybe.

You know. Do a. Patreon. Never got a lot of interest.

The first time round. But. One of my.

One of my things is. Consistency. Isn't always.

I've never been very consistently. Consistent. Apart from.

I just keep doing what I'm doing. Year in. Year out.

Trodding along. Blurting out. Blah.

Blah. You know. But.

In a sense of. Like. When I'm going to make one recording.

Every day. It's. Doesn't always work out that way.

I do try. I do. Honest.

I do. I really do. But it doesn't.

You know. It doesn't always work out. Exactly.

Perfect. So. You know.

Let's say I start. A. Patreon page. I've already started about five.

Or six. Over the years. Probably more.

Just giving ones as well. I did that. I raised about.

A hundred pound. Wow. A hundred pound.

Yeah. Don't mock it. What are you mocking me for? Don't all mock me.

Don't all dare. I remember when I worked in a pub. When I was eighteen.

Still remember. There's this little. Irishman.

I just remember. Because we lived in a place. There was no.

You know. It wasn't Ireland. He.

He was. He. He's probably my height.

So he was little. I'm not very. I'm not very tall.

But he was so. He had a little man syndrome. Little man syndrome.

He's always loud. Always showing off. Always bragging.

I say always. When he was in the pub. When he wasn't there.

He might have been wonderful. But when he was in the pub. He was not wonderful.

He was. Nasty little. Runt.

I said. Runt. R-U-N-T.

Not a swear word. It was. And he.

And he kept saying like. Don't rail me. Don't rail me.

Don't rail. Don't you dare rail me. Like threatening everyone.

Don't rail me. Or he'll give me a step letter. And I'll punch you in the belly button.

Don't rail me. I was like. Just.

Oh. It was one of the only people. That I really didn't like very much.

Because he's just. Don't you rail me. Oh he beat this person up.

Oh he did this. Oh. Like.

And he was. Always swearing. Naughty word.

After naughty word. I. Don't. I ask.

I was. I was. Shocked.

I didn't expect that. You know. I was only just turned 18.

I didn't know about. Swearies. He was doing swears.

All the time. Doing swears. Don't you rail me.

Rail. Rail. Rail.

Honestly. He was. Thinking about it.

He probably looks like me now. Like red face. Little grey beard.

Don't you rail me. You. You.

Young man. I hit you with me stick. Yeah.

It was. It was just. I'll throw me lollipop at ya.

Yeah. He was a weird. Weird old man.

He wasn't old. He was probably only. I would.

I mean to me. He was in his 50s. But.

Reality. Because I was a teenager. In reality.

He might have still been in his 20s. Late 20s. 30s.

Something like that. Don't you rail me. You.

You. He's. Honestly.

I had to look over the counter to see him. Of course. I needed a ladder to do that myself.

Sometimes I had a little chandelier. And I'd swing from the chandelier. So I could.

Wave hello to him. He'd look up at me. We had a connection.

But we knew that we couldn't really do anything with it. He had to. Act.

The tough man. In front of all his friends. I had to pretend to know what I was doing behind the bar.

I guess we just needed to move on with our lives. Without pursuing. The endless possibilities of.

What that friendship could have become. That's very poetic. I love a little bit of poems.

A little bit of poems. Even if it didn't rhyme. Poems don't have to rhyme.

You know. See if you studied poetry. You'd know that.

Really. Yeah. A lot of poems don't have to rhyme.

Has anyone read. Howl. From Ginsberg.

It's like. A poem. That lasts.

Forever. I know there's another poem isn't it. Is it.

Oh. One of the philosophers. Wrote.

It was like. A book. But one poem.

Uh. Uh. It's a little bit too self congratulatory.

It's a little bit. Self absorbing. You know a little bit.

I had a friend who sent me a book. That her dad wrote. I paid £20 for it.

So she asked me. She asked me. About three months ago.

My dad's writing a book. Will you buy it. Now she's helped me out loads.

So I was like. Okay. She's been a friend for.

17 years or something. Yeah. I said yeah.

Not really meaning it. It's a little bit like. You know when someone asks you.

Someone asks you to. That they say that. I'm moving the house at the weekend.

And you say. Oh. Can I help.

And you think that's the end of the conversation. It's like. It's a meaningless gesture.

And next thing. Yeah. Yeah.

That's great. Can you be here at nine in the morning. Or do you want to meet us at the new address.

Uh. What are you talking about. On Saturday.

When we move. Yeah. What you moving.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

So. You said. You're going to help.

Oh. No. No.

What you got. I didn't mean it. I just said it.

I didn't actually mean. I was just being pretentious and. Pretending.

To. To want to help. It was.

It was an empty gesture. I don't know what else to say to you. Of course.

I don't want to help. Why would I. Give up my Saturday. To help you move furniture.

Uh. Why. Why.

Why. I wouldn't even move my own furniture. Why.

So. It was a little bit like that. And.

So I said. Yeah. I'll buy your dad's book.

Of course. Forgot all about it. She sends me this text message saying.

Oh. My dad's books now published. It's been published.

I need 20 pound from you. And. I'll send it to you.

So I said. I texted back said. Okay.

Just give it to me. When you've got it. When I see you.

And. That was it. And he said.

Another message. The next day. Right.

How do you want to pay the money. And I'll send it to you. I said.

Okay. I'll tell you. As I put the money into account.

Into a bank. So I paid you 20 pound. Give me the book.

When you. When I see you. Don't bother sending it.

Three days later. It comes through the post. She just doesn't listen to anything.

Just. She's just going to do what she's going to do. She's not going to listen to me.

A week later. She phones me up. So have you read the book? I said.

Of course not. She said. What do you mean? I said.

Why would I want to read a book. Written by your dad. I wouldn't want to read a book.

Written by my own dad. I wouldn't want to write. I wouldn't want to read a book.

Written by me. Why am I going to sit there. And spend five hours of my life.

Reading a book. Written by someone. That I've not even met.

About someone else. That I've not even met. Just because they're related to you.

Now. In retrospect. I'm not sure if I approached it correctly.

I'm not sure if I. I perhaps should have been a bit. Different. A bit more gentle.

I just. Thought maybe. She'd appreciate some.

Honesty. But. I'm not going to read it.

But I said it in a jokey. I didn't say it in a horrible way. In a jokey way but.

She thought it was funny but. I'm never going to read it. It's going to be on my bookcase.

Forever. For no reason. Why am I going to.

I haven't got time for that. Reading a book. There is no.

I read. I read books that interest me. Because I bought them.

Because they interest me. I don't read for the sake of it. I remember when I went to Ireland.

And I was just talking to Andre. The original Andre. And saying.

I miss my books. Because I left my books. In London.

And in fact I think I lost most of them. So I had one book with me. I used to have a really good collection of books.

When I was in London. I built them up again. This is my third.

Fourth book collection. I think I've had. So.

His mum. Took me. She followed me.

She took me into the living room. She said look. Point to a bookcase.

We've got books here. I said okay. Thanks.

You don't get it. It's not just. I need to read a book.

You know. Okay there you go. I like magazines.

That's on hand your boxing. Boxing weekly. Now if you're interested.

And you love to read a Vogue. You're not going to be watching. Wanting to read boxing.

Weekly. Necessarily maybe you do. But you know generally.

Like. If I want a boxing. I want boxing.

Well that's sport. Magazine. No I don't want to read that.

I want to read boxing. Because I love me boxing. And.

There's some books. You can read them. Now in fairness.

There were some pretty nice books. Those are lots of. Charles Dickens and stuff like that.

So I did read some of them to be fair. But that's not the point. The point is.

Look. There's books there. This is not.

It's not how it works. I like food. Well there's some food there.

I'm hungry. You can eat that. But I don't want to eat that.

I want to eat something that I like to eat. And it's not that. Definitely not that.

You eat that. I'm not going to eat it. You're going to have to go in the bin if you don't.

I don't even know what it is. Do you know what it is? Really? Doesn't look like that. I think it was left in the oven too long.

End scene. Oh. That's my new.

That's a new script for my new play. I don't want that. That's what it's called.

Don't want that. Or. I'm not hungry now.

That could be another one. Could be another title. So yeah.

I just. I went into this. Yeah I went into this meditation retreat.

I think it was 2005. 2006. Something like that.

Maybe 2007. And it was this windmill. I think it was a windmill on a farm.

And I was sleeping in one of the rooms. On my own. I found a bookcase.

And it was full of books. That were actually. Interesting to me.

Loads of like books on psychology. And various different therapies. And things like that.

Now that's a bookcase. That I'm interested in. But then to be fair.

Take me to a bookcase. And I will be interested. I like books.

I'm not necessarily going to want to read them. But I would like to look. So if I visited someone's house.

And they had. 200 books on a bookcase. I'm going to want to have a look at that bookcase.

You know. Because. Just.

Books about porridge. I mean I still. Would want to have a little look.

Just to see. Just to. Not to get to kind of figure out.

What kind of person. He is or she is. Because I don't really think that's.

I mean it could be. You could probably get a little bit of an idea. About their personality from what they read.

But I don't think so really. Necessarily. I'm not proof of that.

Because if you looked at my bookcases. Looked at all the. Types of books I've got.

And you hadn't met me. You would think. That I was intelligent.

Seriously you would. But before you met me. That is obviously.

Once you met me. That's. Thoughts and probably not going to occur.

In your mind. But by the book collection. All the different therapies and.

You know. Textbooks that I've got. You.

Might come to the conclusion that I'm. Somehow. Educated.

So it's deceiving. It's very deceiving. Well that's what I'm trying to say.

So I'm going to go. I really am. Going to go.

Thank you for listening. Remember. Remember to be kind to yourself.

Remember to be gentle with yourself. Because you deserve to be happy. Lots of love.

Bye.