#845 Let me bore you to sleep - I LOVE POSITIVE FEEDBACK - Jason Newland (13th JUNE 2022)

Hello and welcome to let me bore you to sleep, sleep, sleep, please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. My name is Jason Newland and my website, my groovy sexy website is jasonnewland.com. There are thousands of recordings that you can stream for free and you can download for free. There's a lot of free stuff.

So hey, hello. Today is Monday the 13th of June 2022. And hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

I've been trying to update my website and the podcasts with the details and you know, descriptions and it's really turned into a chore. Because whenever I've kind of making progress, I realize that there's other stuff to add. So I'm changing it and starting from scratch again.

So I'm in the process of doing the putting in the details of the deep sleep whisper hypnosis podcasts. And there's information on there. I'll let you know what what it is I'm doing.

So if I put in one. Okay, here we go in view. So I'm just looking at number one, deep sleep whisper, 1st of January 2015.

So, so you know, on the website, it's the same as on the podcast. So there's the, you know, there's the player that you can listen and stream and stuff. And then you've got info.

Only listen when you can safely close your eyes, which is a standard thing. And then there's the deep relaxation Kevin MacLeod, incompetech.com, licensed under Creative Commons by attribution 3.0. License creativecommons.org forward slash license is forward slash BY forward slash 3.0. Not quite sure what I'm reading all that out by. So that's what I've got so far.

And then you've got the contact me and my postal address, send letters, cards and gifts. So Jason Newland, P.O. Box 13263, Colchester C061YH, Colchester, England, England, United Kingdom. And then you've got contact form.

So there's a link there to my website contact form. There's my email address, which is Jason Newland, hotmail.co.uk. That's weird. That's very strange.

That's not up to date at all. Why is that? Wait a second. Very weird.

Okay, maybe I thought I'd updated it. Maybe I haven't. Maybe I didn't.

So look at a different one. Okay, so this is this is got all the stuff on. So there's a contact form email address to gift me by PayPal.

Then is the PayPal address PayPal.me forward slash Jason Newland. There's the PayPal email, which is Jason Newland at hotmail.co.uk. Then there's my website jasonnewland.com. I know it's boring, but I'm just going to continue anyway. So for this, I've then got my Facebook page, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, so there's links to all those.

Then there's my Amazon wishlist, which is a bunch of books that I would like to get. So if you'd like to buy me a gift, buy me a book, then please go there. Much appreciated.

I love my books. And then I've got a list of podcasts with the link to the Deep Sleep Whisper Hypnosis podcast. So there's Apple podcasts, Amazon Music, Spotify, Castbox, Podbean, Google Podcasts, iHeartRadio, Podcast Addict, Audible, Stitcher, TuneIn, Deezer, Overcast, GeoSouthern, Spreaker, Acast, Luminary, Podchaser, podcast app, digital podcast, podcast.

I think that the podcast app is what you get on the iPhone. I think it's just like the Apple standard podcast app, I think. Anyway, you got digital podcasts, podcast paradise, owl tale, verbal, pod toppen, and back tracks.

So that's quite a few, isn't it? What was that? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25. So it's 25 different podcast hosts. There are more out there, like apps and stuff that I didn't sort of add.

But 25 still quite a lot, isn't it? To choose from. So yeah, I'm not sure why I went to this much trouble, if I'm honest. It's just a lot of work.

It took hours to correlate all that information and stick it in and then make it into, you know, put it into order and put links in and stuff. Not quite sure why I did it. I think it's because it was less boring than just copy and pasting, which is what I was doing before.

But it meant I almost had to keep starting again. So the plan is I'm going to do this for all of the podcast episodes and on my website as well, all the different recordings. So the copyright stuff's on there.

And contact information and all that stuff is on there as well, which is and also, you know, you might be on my website. And I think I've had a few messages where people have said that because I hadn't updated my website for a month, they thought I'd stopped making recordings. So at least this way, you can, if you go to the website, go to, you're going to see, well, unless people don't look at the page, you'll see that the recordings, the podcasts, or that particular podcast, let's say Deep Sleep Whisperer, for example, or Let Me Bore You To Sleep is also available on 25 different podcast providers, at least.

So, you know, if you were to use Spotify as your favorite place to listen to podcasts, or Apple Podcasts, or Stitcher, or, you know, wherever, iHeartRadio or Podbean, then you should be able to find my stuff in this, it just makes it a little bit easier, hopefully. Hopefully, otherwise, I've just wasted my time. And it won't be the first time I've wasted my time.

I've wasted my time, time and time and time again. How many more times can you say the word time? Probably quite a few more times, I imagine. Right, this is the time that I do my readout messages that I've got.

Although I don't think I've got many messages. So look at Gmail. No, it's kind of ironic that I'm now posting a link to where you can actually send a comment or send a, you know, contact form on my website and now I'm not getting any messages.

Someone left a comment. Thank you. Okay.

That's nice. No, if you do ever leave a message and I don't reply, or I don't mention it in a message, in a podcast rather, please forgive me because I sometimes lose track of stuff. I'm not always the most organised person, you know, I give it a go.

But it's a bit of a juggling act to do lots of different podcasts. To you know, sometimes I lose track of what I've done and when I've done it and when it comes to messages and I do please do leave, do send messages because especially if they're nice. Well, I only send nice messages.

I'm not interested in horrible messages. I will read them out if I try to read all nice messages out. But please do send them because it gives me a boost.

And I appreciate it. Mama Bear wrote love the ramblings. This is on a let me bore you to sleep one.

That was actually left on a Spreaker podcast on the actual app. It's nothing else there. So I'll move on.

No messages. Is me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh, I did get a message from Mike.

Hi, Mike, I'm not replied yet. This is on a 10th of June. So it's only the 13th, only three days ago.

Hey, Jason, the 80s TV show about birds with Richard Chamberlain was Lovebirds. I'm 53 years old, and we had many of the same TV show experiences. Hi, Mike.

Yeah. Yes, I made pretty much is there was another TV show. And Richard Chamberlain for some reason he was because I it's just I mean, it makes me sound older.

But was it Dr. Killjoy? Or was it Dr. Kill Dare? He was a doctor and it was I think a 60s TV show. And when I was growing up, I mean, I'm talking early 80s, maybe late 70s, early 80s. There was a lot of stuff from the 60s on.

And I guess it wasn't that far. Far away was it then? So 1979 listening to something from 90 watching a TV show from 1966 or 67. It wasn't a long time ago.

It was a long time ago now. But then it was it was a decade ago. It's not that long.

It's no different to watching. I sometimes watch stuff on telly and I don't even realize it's like 15 years ago. It was aired.

It just doesn't seem that long ago. But Dr. Kill Dare and that was Richard Chamberlain. I like that he was in something that I really liked.

I can't remember what it was. But I did, I did enjoy Shogun, but it went on. It really went on for hours and hours.

It lasted for about seven years. And each episode was about a month long. I was just and we sit there and I'll be I mean, I back then I had a tolerance to being bored.

I mean, I lived in a family, you know, I was a kid around three other boys and two adults. And I was going to school for, you know, seven hours a day. You have to have you just you know, you have to have a high tolerance for boredom.

Because it's a very boring existence. Just because you, you say, Oh, no, it's exciting, because you're around all those boys. And well, it's just repetitive.

Yes, there's some interesting experiences, having brothers and, you know, but it's generally just the day in day out the same thing. There's not a lot of difference between what you're doing and what you're not doing. And so I think, I think even more so for those born before the internet, those that were like lived before the internet, and before streaming and maybe before, you know, because it was a much slower pace, especially if you lived in a little town or something, which I did.

And I did live in London. I was born in London. But I spent my from the age of seven to the age of 1819, whatever in a little town, which was almost asleep, it was a sleepy little town.

And still is. So in those days, you know, especially when I was a child, everything was closed. I think everything closed on a Wednesday afternoon.

So it was a half day. And then everything closed on a Sunday. Apart from news agents, and a pub.

That was it. Every, you know, there was, I mean, up to about 1981, there was only three channels on the television in England. Three, if you can imagine that three channels.

And then I think it was either 80 or 81. Channel four came along. And then we had just four channels until 1997.

When channel five arrived. So, you know, this is if you can imagine, I mean, I suppose the idea of just five channels, even now for me, it's like, wow, five channels. How did we get by? So, you know, things are a lot more, although boring, I guess just as boring as in some ways, but more faster paced, more, there's more things to do.

So if you're, I mean, I imagine for people and I kind of fit into this category myself to a degree, housebound people, I spend quite a lot of time at home. And sometimes because I'm unable to go out or don't want to go out or wherever. There's some people physically cannot leave their house.

And there's more entertainment now than they used to be. I'm not, I mean, I'm not saying that makes it easier for everyone because I can't talk for everyone. But I think it makes it easier for me than it would have done.

Because I remember back in 1995, I was, I was unwell, I was unwell for about eight or nine months. And turned out it was stress. I didn't know at the time.

And I was just I was so I was really not well. And I didn't go out hardly at all. I was indoors and just, you know, I needed to be near the toilet.

So I wasn't, wasn't great. But just having at that time only four channels on telly. I didn't watch telly much.

I ended up listening to the radio and just finding things to do. So what I did is I went through my, I used to listen to talk radio nearly all day long. And I would go through my, my journals and sort of rewrite out the journal.

I don't know why I did that. But I did. I had all these journals and I wrote, I wrote out, I copied the journals into one big book, tiny little writing.

And so I kind of decided to do something, I stuck to it. And it took me weeks and weeks and weeks to do. And I'd read, I had books to read and stuff like that.

Take the dog for a walk. And I purposely didn't watch television during the day because then what am I going to do in the evening? I was going to watch television in the evening. And there is no point because if you do it during the day and evening, it's it takes away any kind of, to me took away the pleasure of doing it.

So there was certain television shows I'd look forward to watching, like the Bill Eastenders. Quantum Leap was another one at that time I used to like to watch. Um, I can't remember, but on Fridays, it'd be the American comedy shows on Channel 4. Cheers or Golden Girls or Roseanne.

Those kinds of things. Trying to think of another one. What's his name? Tool, he used to be the tool guy.

He used to go like that. That wasn't a good impression. Tool Time or something it was called.

So it was that. What other American sitcoms used to be on on a... Roseanne. Cheers.

Golden Girls. There must have been others. There was others.

Oh, what's her name? There was another one. It was a comedy. And it was based around a lady, American lady.

And she I think she worked on the Origs or something. And it was just one name. So I used to watch that.

That was good. Brain work, work, work, work. I mean, even when I worked on because I had various different part-time jobs when I was in my teens, like, like, like late teens.

I used to record the Friday night shows because that was my favorite night of the week. Because there was comedies on. And I used to one of my favorite things to do is to sit in bed watching other Cheers, Roseanne, and maybe a couple of other shows.

And I'd have a packet of biscuits or two and a can of Coke and that would be it. And every single time I'd stuffed the biscuits in and I'd feel sick. This is I never learned.

But it was my favorite thing to do on a Friday. Just sit there watching the comedies on channel four. When I moved to London, and I was you know, I'd be out on a Friday and a Saturday night quite often, gigging or going to comedy clubs and watching shows.

Saturdays, especially. So, you know, it's, I think there was periods when I couldn't do much because I didn't have much money coming in. So it was kind of a double edged fork, you know, because I had a purposely kept a job that was only during the day, and I didn't have to work evenings.

And I didn't care that it was low paid, because I didn't have to think or put any energy and just do the job. It was mindless work, and I'd go home. And then I could do gigs in the evening and write and stuff.

So I had my time in the evenings and the weekends. But the problem with that is it was extremely low paid, which meant I couldn't really afford to go out, or sometimes even to pay for the travel to get to the gigs. I couldn't afford to buy any decent clothes.

So I looked, I must have just looked disgusting, because I was wearing very, just worn out clothes for years. Not when I first moved to London, because when I first moved, I got a job in a bakery. And it was, it wasn't like huge pay.

Because I was first of all, I was working in the kitchen. But it was okay. If that makes sense.

It was a average average salary for the kind of work. It wasn't at the low low end, which is what I ended up doing. So I wasn't.

If it'd been minute, I wasn't on minimum pay. We didn't have minimum pay back then. It was just crap pay.

Basically people paid wherever they wanted to. Because I worked in a bakery, it was okay money, you know, it was livable. So I could afford to buy clothes and to go out and do stuff.

And it was I do I think every third every third Saturday I'd work. But outside of that, it was just Monday to Friday. So it was it was good because then I could do gigs in a week during the week and in the weekends.

And I had enough money to get there and to dress decently, you know, because I was on stage and wanted to look clean at least. But then a few years later, or a year later, I was working for less than three pound an hour, or the two pound an hour or something. And it was just ridiculous.

It was just really, really, really, really low money. So kind of it, you know, it left me free to do stuff in the evenings and at the weekends, but you know, you know, I mean, it wasn't perfect. But talking about perfect, I've got a message here.

I should have read this out earlier. It's now 29 minutes in. So some, probably the person that sent it will be asleep now.

If they're listening, because they said they sleep. Where is the messages? General? Right, okay, sorry. There's a bit of a silent thing there.

I was just looking at something. This is from Jesse on Instagram. Hi, Jason.

I found your podcasts on Spotify a couple of months ago. I just wanted to let you know your voice is one of the only things that gets me to sleep. I had pretty severe anxiety a couple of years ago, found it hard to sleep without any sound.

I'd play the radio most nights for the sound. Then I moved to rain sounds when I got Spotify premium. So there were no ads and interruptions.

Now I listen to you and I really struggle. And I really struggled to sleep without your podcast playing. So thank you for doing what you do and making sleep easier for me.

And I was trying to save this because I didn't, I don't really know how to work Instagram. And I accidentally called it. So I like video calls, I pretty stopped it as soon as it started ringing.

And she's sent a message. I've seen it. I don't feel comfortable calling.

And I said, sorry, I accidentally called. Thanks for the message. I didn't mean to call.

Honestly, I've it's I've done this before. I've even called. And sometimes I just put my phone down and it rings people.

It's I find my dad's wife once at three in the morning. And I hung up straight away thinking that I'd stopped it from ringing her end. But it didn't.

She rang me back thinking it was an emergency. So I had to make out it was an emergency, didn't I? I said, sorry, I'm in hospital. I broke my leg.

So that's what she wanted to come up with it. No, it's fine. I just want to let you know I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you and stuff.

Don't need to come up. The next six weeks, I had to wear a plaster plaster on my leg, just to pretend it was broken. That's embarrassing.

But yeah, so I don't generally, I don't generally call people I know. So I'm not probably going to call people I don't know. It's just I was pressing the buttons like how do I say because I didn't want to lose the message because a lovely message.

But I went to save a previous message from someone else and I lost it like it just seemed to disappear. Oh man, so I don't want to lose this one because I've not read it out yet. Anyway, I've read it out now.

So I guess if I lose it, it's fine. And but I don't want to lose it because I like I like reading through some of the messages from the past. Yeah, yeah.

Probably thinks I'm a pervert now. Only said thank you for doing the podcast. Now he's ringing me.

He's ringing me. I don't feel safe in my own home anymore. That weird podcaster keeps ringing me.

I'm not I'm not ringing anyone. It was accident. I wouldn't know what to say anyway.

Hi. How would that conversation go? Hi. Yeah, it's Jason.

Who? Jason? Jason, who? You sent me a message. What? Yeah, I make podcasts. Oh, I'm actually still awkward, isn't it? Oh, what happens now? Oh, I mean, there's one thing listening to me.

Like this, there's another thing talking to me, because then I become real. I become a real person. And I don't I'm not sure how many people really think of me as being a real person.

I'm just this voice. You know, voice that doesn't really belong to a body. You know, it's just a voice.

I want you to add me to a body. And yeah, too much reality. No, thanks.

We'd like to go back to being a voice on the Internet if you don't mind. Don't really need you to be phoning me. Thank you very much.

Ever so kind of you. I don't I don't even like talking on the phone anymore anyway. You seem to be protesting too much, darling.

I'm not protesting. I'm just saying I. I used to love talking on the phone. Now I can't be bothered.

Plus, this seems to be this new thing where people talk on loudspeaker and they don't always let you know who else is in the car or who else is in the room. In fact, hardly ever. And I find that just annoying.

It's annoying because, you know, I'm OK if I'm phoning my dad, I'm not going to be saying anything bad or anything rude. But, you know, I think of another friend and I might say something out of. Out of turn and rude and potentially offensive to other people, because that's what amuses me and possibly amuses her as well.

And maybe not her mom or her grandma who's sitting in the back seat of the car. It might not be amusing the other people at the funeral, you know, like don't put on loudspeaker. That's why you answer the phone if you were a funeral.

But don't answer it on loudspeaker because people at the people at a funeral don't want to suddenly hear you. Do you do you answer? What are you wearing? What are you wearing? You know, it's it's even though like you say we shouldn't say stuff like that. I have different relationships with different people and.

Some people I can talk like that, too, and it's just as a joke, you know, it's not real. I don't actually care what they're wearing. I've never met one.

I've never spoken to one person on the phone ever where I actually really cared what they were wearing. It doesn't really enter my mind and I don't care. You can say anything.

It's just going to be my imagination anyway. I know that you can obviously you can do FaceTime now, but I don't like that because then I have to brush my hair. I don't like brushing my hair.

I don't want to do FaceTime. I don't want to. I don't.

I don't want to have to give my full attention to the person on the phone. You know, it's like I'd rather just it be a voice. That way I can.

I can sit there and pick my nose or I can sit there naked if I want. Not that I do, but I'm just, you know, it doesn't matter if it's a really if it's a really hot day. I might be practically naked like most people probably are.

If it's a hot day, you're in your house, you're on your own and you've got maybe just your underwear on. It's nothing. It's a normal one.

There's nothing weird about that. So maybe it's a bit strange to have all the windows open and the lights on and to be dancing in front of the window. Maybe.

I don't know. But I don't want to have to answer the phone and it's on FaceTime because I can't answer it if I've got no clothes on. That's not fair on anyone.

I want to see you. I want to see. No, trust me, you don't want to see me right now.

You don't want to. Honestly, there is no going back. Once you've seen this, you cannot reverse time.

And I I can't afford to help you with the therapy you'll need to overcome the visual trauma of seeing me in my underwear. Oh, la, la, la, la, la, la. Oh.

So, yeah. So sorry. Whoever call you generally is by mistake.

And that's only like Facebook and stuff. I mean, I mean, there are a few people that I have spoken to on Facebook over the years that I've kind of become friends with. But it's quite rare.

It's very, very rare. In fact, it's practically non-existent. It's very, very unusual for me to talk to anyone on the phone, on the phone, just full stop.

I just don't don't enjoy talking on the phone anymore. Generally, sometimes I'm in a mood. If I'm in a specific mood, I might make a phone call.

Oh, hey, how are you? Tell me all about your life. And then after five minutes, go now go go need the toilet. That's what I read years ago.

I'd say got to go and people keep talking. If you're telling me need a dump, I need a toilet. I need the toilet.

They can't really argue with that. It's almost like, look, I need to give birth now. You know, or if you know, look, the surgeons are taking me in to do the operation.

I've got to go like no one, one more thing. I know, I've got I've got I know someone who does that. Not surgeon stuff.

He's not a surgeon. But he actually says like, literally, one more thing. When I say I've got to go, no, if someone says I've got to go, that's it.

I will take care. Bye. Not one more thing.

Don't continue talking to them. If someone says, look, I've got to go. It's because either they have had enough of talking to you, or they genuinely need to go.

They could have all kinds of stuff going on in their life. And they just need to maybe they can't handle having a conversation right now. They've got other stuff on their mind.

To say, you know, oh, wait a minute. Well, to keep talking to them. When someone's already said, I've got to go.

Now, if they've said I've got to go more than once, then you're basically taking the, you know, you're very disrespectful. Basically, you're just like, like, don't care. You're not listening to them.

And at that point, you don't need them there anyway, because you're just talking at them, which is what I do. That's why I do podcasts, because I like to talk at people. It's more fun.

You know, for just me to talk, rather than them to listen to them, or pretend to listen. Because you know, all I'm doing is waiting to talk again. And they're talking, I'm looking at their mouths moving and like, okay, how much longer before I can say what I want to say next.

So you know, at least, at least I'm honest. And I can say, well, that's I can do podcasts. So I don't need to have that ongoing conversation.

I mean, I prefer just to get a message like the one I got, maybe not the one saying I don't feel comfortable talking to you, because I feel like I'm some kind of stalker or something, which I'm not. But it's okay. You know, given the circumstances, I wouldn't phone someone up that I didn't know.

Maybe I have done in the past. I don't think I have normally, or accidentally. I've accidentally phoned people up and had to and then you know, I've gone to just reply to something they've sent me.

And maybe we've had a few ongoing texts. And then I accidentally phone them. I've done it loads.

I've phoned people loads of times. Usually I'll stop it. But they still can see that I phoned, which is weird for me.

And probably for them. A couple of times, they've answered really quickly. Hello.

I just didn't know what to say. So I just had to go and just think I'll just get back into the rhythm of what do I normally say in a situation like that. So you know, what you're wearing, again, doesn't always go down that well.

Not everyone finds it funny. No one finds it funny. And I remember once I was living in Yeah, living in shared accommodation.

And we shared the phone. It was a Buddhist community. So we were kind of friends and didn't have locks on our doors or anything like that.

It was very just friends living together. And we shared the house phone. And I was talking on the phone to my girlfriend.

And you know, if if you can imagine if you can, if you're my girlfriend, then it's, it's going to be a different experience to what you will have had before. Um, it's just going to be different. And sometimes I'll say stuff and it's not horrible.

It might be horrible, but it's not really horrible. It's just messing about. I like to mess about and tease and stuff like sometimes, but I don't know how to explain it.

Not bullying, but just because I'm just, I like to mess around. I like to be silly. And I, we were talking and the phone hung up, like disconnected.

Okay. And then literally five seconds later, the phone rang. And I think it was her because I was on the phone to my girlfriend for about an hour, 40, 45 minutes, whatever.

Um, cause she liked to talk and of course I enjoyed listening. Yeah. And anyway, she, I answered the phone and said, it's something like, um, who is it? Yeah.

You know, like that. Who is it? What do you want? But it wasn't her. It was someone else, another Buddhist who was phoning up for my Buddhist friends.

So she must have just been pressing redial, redial, redial the whole time until as soon as it hung up, the phone rang, came through. Well, she lost her mind, this person on the phone, because I answered the phone with, what do you want? And she started having a go at me. I said, listen, I was on the phone to my, I explained, I was on the phone to my girlfriend, the phone disconnected.

And I just thought it was her phoning back because she phoned back so quickly. That would be the natural expectation really, you know, in that situation. And I said, look, if I knew it was you, I wouldn't have said that.

And I would never answer the phone like that normally. And she stepped, she still kept going on. So I, I think at the time, I probably told her to go and do one.

I might have been a bit rude to her. But she put, you know, she kept going on and on and on. So I just, I passed her over to my friend.

I said, just, just tell her to go, go and whatever. Because, you know, I'd apologize if you, you can only apologize so much. And like, it wasn't a big deal.

She took it really personally, almost like it's different with a mobile phone, you can see who's calling generally. And if you know the person, obviously, if you've got their number stored in your phone. So if I answer the phone, to my dad, you know, he phones, I answer the phone.

And I say, Oh, what are you wearing? Okay. Now, he wouldn't enjoy that. He wouldn't enjoy that at all.

And he doesn't enjoy hardly anything I say to be fair. But he's, he's probably my, my least, my, what's the opposite to biggest fan? He's the opposite to that the complete opposite. So I got people that, you know, I thought it sounds very egotistical to say fans, but I've got some people that like what I do.

And some people find me entertaining or whatever, you know, some people like my sense of humor. And they, you know, some people do some people don't. But I think those that don't wouldn't listen.

I think, you know, because it'd probably be annoying. It's probably somewhere right now. So yeah, it is.

And just hanging up like, you know, asking to stop listening now. Good, go away. Don't want you anyway.

You know, I don't want people I don't want people to listen because they want to not because for any other reason. And hopefully, it's useful. You know, I'm not doing this just for the sake of it.

It feels like I am sometimes. But that's why I need to have some more feedback, regular feedback, like daily from people. And not from the same people.

But I need to have that constant feedback. Just to know that what I'm doing is useful and worthwhile. And, you know, makes a difference.

Because otherwise, there's no point. There's no other benefit to me to do this. The only benefit is if I'm helping people.

And if I'm not helping people, then I need to stop. You know, if it's if that makes sense, makes sense to me. Anyway, I'll still be doing this when I'm 105.

We still be talking absolute crap. He is the most successful crap talker of all time. Oh, yeah.

So my dad's my least, I'm probably the least popular person in his life. He's not he finds me. I think he finds me tedious, annoying, not funny.

He doesn't find anything I say funny ever. He's my my, you know, the opposite to my biggest fan. That's my dad.

Doesn't it doesn't even like me, may love me because of his son. He doesn't like me. I know that.

You know, he wouldn't want to spend time with me. We never spend time together. And he wouldn't want to because he doesn't like me.

We have no, nothing in common other than blood. And the history, you know, 12 years living together or whatever. 11 years living together.

But and, you know, history of birthdays and Christmases and, you know, visiting and stuff like, you know, so I got that history along 3540. Well, my 51 now I was six, nearly seven. When I first met him, I met him when I was a baby, but I didn't know him.

You know, I was I was only six months old, three months old. When they split him and the mother left. He my mother.

And so I was six when I first met him. So what my 51 now so that's what 45 years? Yeah. So I've known him for 45 years.

That's a long time. But he doesn't like me. It's you can tell when someone doesn't like you, you know, he's I know that he'd, if it came to it, probably do anything he could to help me.

But it feel it probably be begrudged, it probably be, probably wouldn't be happy about it. But you know, it's, it's just one of those things, you know, he's, he absolutely adores my little brother. And the absolutely adores his knee, his granddaughter.

And I'm sure he adores the others as well, the other grandkids. But they're the two that really kind of he just absolutely adored them right from birth onwards. So that was weird to see that it's like, oh, he can love it he does have the ability to, to like a child.

So I just figured he just didn't like kids. And then my little brother is like, oh, he just doesn't like certain kids, preferably the ones that were his children. Okay.

I'm students of therapy here. So self therapy. Oh, he's, he's all right.

So he's a, he's a good man. But you know, he doesn't like me, which is fine. See my nan, my nan liked me.

My nan loved me. But she liked me. She enjoyed spending time with me.

And she'd look forward to me visiting. And we'd have a laugh. We would have a laugh.

We'd have a laugh. We'd talk about serious stuff. We'd, we'd have jokes.

We'd, we just enjoyed we could watch television together. And, you know, it was almost like the best relationship probably I've ever had was with my nan. And that grew really as I got older.

Because when I was a kid, there's always other people about so I didn't really, my nan didn't get to know me and I didn't really get to know her as a person. She was my nan and I was her grandson, one of many. But once I hit sort of 16, all my other brothers had left the town.

So it was only me left. I was the only grandson that was close to her in proximity. She's got lots of grandchildren, but they were in other parts of the country.

Not a long way away, but long enough away not to see regularly. And because my family pretty much left the town, all those left was my nan and granddad and my dad and his new wife, or his is. Well, they were together anyway.

So they've been together for a long time. So that was it. So my dad and my nan and granddad.

I didn't hardly not until I was about 18 or 17. Sporadically, I'd spend some time with my dad. So I stayed with him about twice, twice in my teens, or three times actually, for a few months over that period between 16 and 20.

And when I was homeless, so he did put me up, which was nice. And I only remember really having one nice conversation with him. And he was drinking.

He loves his whiskey. He's a whiskey connoisseur. He's an expert on whiskey.

Ask him anything about whiskey and scotch and stuff like that. That's kind of his hobby. He's visited.

Oh, he's an alcoholic. No, he's not an alcoholic. So I'm defending him.

He's my dad. Don't you dare say things about my dad. He has traveled.

He's traveled around, visited distilleries around the world, I think. So he's, you know, he likes to drink the stuff as well. You know, it's not just about the history and how it's made.

I mean, but he's a big connoisseur of the old whiskey. So I remember, I think I was about, I might have been 17. And I sat there drinking whiskey with him.

Now, I really don't like whiskey. But I forced myself to drink it because I knew that he wanted me to. He wanted me, he wanted to have a drink with his son, you know.

And he loved drinking whiskey. There was, it meant something. And because it meant something to me as well.

So we sat there around the table. And I was staying with him for a short while in his house. And he opened up, really opened up about the past and about stuff and told me things I didn't know about his past.

Stuff that was interesting, like really interesting. Because you know, he's a human being as well, with a life, with a past. And, you know, I was born when he was 25.

So he'd been alive 25 years. And I know practically, practically nothing about his life before I was born. I know very little about his life after I was born, until I was what, seven.

And then I was in his life. So I was watching his life. But still, I don't know how much of it I really absorbed.

I don't know how much of what he was doing, I really knew why he was doing it or whatever. But, you know, I was, I was there. So for a good 31 years, until he was 31 years old, I didn't really know him, 32 or whatever.

So he'd, he'd had all those years of being alive and working and being at school and being in love and all the different things that happen to a human. And I didn't know anything about him, really. I didn't know anything about my mum either.

So it was, so I didn't know anything about his past. I mean, I knew about him because I lived with him for 12 years, but I didn't know anything about his past. And so it was a really nice experience to be hearing about some of the things that happened.

Even though he told me some things that weren't good, you know, personal stuff, I'm not going to mention here. But I just felt closer to him. And then that was it, like a one-off, a one-off thing.

Like, I didn't realise, he might as well have just said, by the way, I'm going to talk about your mum once and that's it. Never going to talk about her again. And he never did.

Never talked about her before, never talked about her afterwards. And never talked about himself either. And it was just like, okay.

And I think that's probably why I probably struggle. Because I'm almost the opposite kind of person. I'm very open, very open with my feelings.

And I try and be honest about what's going on and what's happened. And yeah, I don't, there's certain things in the past I try to forget, if I'm honest, and I don't talk about them. Some things I'm very embarrassed about, things I've done and like regret, and maybe didn't mean to do, did, like did because I was in some kind of weird place or, you know.

I know I'm not an addictive person generally, and I don't aim to hurt anyone. But knowing that's not necessarily any use to the people that I've hurt, I guess. And I've hurt people, I've not meant to hurt people, but you know, relationships and you know, just life.

Just like I've been hurt, we've all been hurt. So, but I like to think that I'm fairly open. So being around someone that's so closed, that doesn't talk about how they're feeling or about their life or whatever, is, I struggle with that a bit, if I'm honest.

Because everybody that I know, that I'm, everyone that I'm friends with, generally open up about how they're feeling. But to be fair, they just say it, you know, and they're honest about how they're feeling, whether it's positive or negative. And they will talk about their lives.

I don't have friends that are closed. No, it's not true. I've got a few, I do have some friends that are very stoic.

I've got one particular friend that's very, two in fact, but one particular friend that I really do care a lot about. He's very stoic, but I can get him talking. So, because, you know, I can make fun of him, and he talks in.

So I can, because he knows what I'm like, he knows that it's a safe space. Even though I'll make fun, I won't make fun of him, in the sense of what he tells me, but I will joke around. And he doesn't get that anywhere else, because he's in quite a serious environment.

And he opens up. I just, I've just proven to myself that someone opening up is not a reason necessarily to care about them. Because he is very stoic, stoic, stoic.

But he's also lovely, a really, really, really lovely man. And the kind of man I'd like to be like, and I will never be like, because I'm too chatty. I like to talk crap.

And to be like him, I would need to be sensible. But naturally said, not like, he's not pretending to be, he's just how he is. He's a quiet person.

He's also a very kind person, but not someone that you'd make fun of, not someone that you'd. And I don't make fun of him. I joke with him.

I don't, I don't make fun of anyone. If I make fun of myself, really, that's who, if there's ever a target, it's me. I make fun of me.

I don't make fun of other people. I might sometimes laugh at other people. It's like, that's making fun of other people, isn't it, Jason, if you're laughing at them.

I don't mean it that way. Just if someone's done something or said something that's funny. But I'm not into, I want people, I don't know, for me, I want people to feel good and to feel, to have a laugh and to feel, you know, a degree of pleasure and stuff.

I don't, not into the whole idea of, some people get a kick out of making other people feel bad. And I don't get a kick out of that. It doesn't, it's not something I do.

And it's not something I ever intend to do. It's something I've done in the past. I have, but not now.

And I also know that it's something that I'm very good at. If I wanted to do it, I'm absolutely vicious. But I don't want to do it because I don't want, I want people to feel good.

You know, I've learned, it's taken a long time, but I've learned, like, how do I feel when someone does it to me? Like, no, sometimes I enjoy it. If someone's like making fun of me and it's like, okay, it can be really funny. But then it depends where they're coming from.

If you know, they're doing it just to be rude or just to get a laugh from others, or if they're doing it to make you laugh, you know, it's like someone, someone can make fun of me knowing that it's going to make me laugh. And that's funny. But if I'm the butt of the joke, because someone's trying to humiliate me or something.

That's, that's when the little Jason pops out and says, Oh, okay. Is this what we do? Is it? Okay, okay. Let's power up.

I never need to go. I never need to go to 100% vicious. Usually two or 3% vicious is enough to just override what's just been said.

People don't realize, people that know me now, don't realize just how vicious I can be verbally. Not now, but how I used to be. And there was nothing I wouldn't say.

There was nowhere I wouldn't go. No subject I wouldn't touch. And not only vicious as in one on one, or in a group, I used to do on stage in front of hundreds of people.

So there was no fear for me with that stuff. But as I said, I don't do that anymore. I'm more into I like gentle now.

I do. I appreciate gentle. I like watching harsh humor, comedy, really, you know, adult stuff.

I like that. But also like silly comedy. I just like anything that makes me laugh.

I don't care what it is. I really don't care. I just anything that's that makes me giggle, or you know, it's just it doesn't matter.

Doesn't have to be. It could be slapstick, it could be like political comedy, it can be a ventriloquist. I don't care.

If it makes me laugh, it makes me laugh. You know, and I like all kinds of stuff. I do.

I quite like silly comedy. Possibly more than anything else. So like surreal, or I don't know how to explain it.

But I just, I just love comedy. I think comedy is brilliant. Stand up comedians.

And I just love to laugh. Do you love to laugh? Yeah, I love to laugh as well. What about you? No, I don't love to laugh.

No, very sensible, serious person. I don't have time to laugh. No, I have to watch the news.

Don't have time to laugh if I'm watching the news. That was a sad a bit like Words of Gummidge. I don't have time to laugh.

Oh, I'm a Sally. No, yes. I'm going for a walk now.

I'm going to be having some jam. Some jam when you toast, Sally. Maybe that wasn't a great impression, but it was to me.

And isn't that what's important, boys and girls? Isn't that the most important thing? How I feel is? Yeah, I'm sure you agree. Anyway, I'm gonna go because things have got a bit weird. Things have got very strange.

So thank you. Thank you very much for listening. Perhaps I shouldn't have made such a weird noise right at the end.

Oh, well. Take care of yourselves. Remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy.

Be gentle with yourself. Lots of love. Bye.