#833 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello, welcome to let me bore you to sleep. To sleep, I said, to sleep. Bore you to sleep.

Hi, please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. My name is Jason Newland. And, and, and, and.

Yeah, my website is jasonnewland.com. So there, so there. I need to say thank you or a bit of a shout out to a few people. Brooke, hi Brooke.

Sebastian, he's got a job interview today. With the, not the Gestapo, what is it? I think it's McDonald's, he's got a job. He's, he's starting off, he's going to be going through the bins and cleaning the bins and stuff.

But he's going to work, he's going to work his way up to, to making the fries. And he's got a, he's got kind of like a 10 year plan. And he hopes, I mean that's if he gets the job, obviously he has to get through the interview.

I've not spoken to him yet to see how he's got on. But I hope Sebastian, you know, good luck with your McDonald's interview. And, you know, the 10 year plan is to one day, I think he's trying to think he said to one day be able to serve in the drive through, the drive through, you know, the window.

He's got a thing about that to be able to. He wants to be on the speaker, to be honest, like, what would you like? Would you like fries with that? And he says that when he does that, he's going to look over at the person making the fries thinking, ha ha, I'm above you. In the pecking order, something like, I don't know.

But good luck with that. So good luck, Sebastian, with your McDonald's interview. I want to say hello to John.

I want to say hello to Matthew. I haven't replied to your message yet. He said, hey, Jason.

This is Monday. This is terrible. It's Thursday now.

I'm very late. Sorry, Matthew. He was driving around this weekend.

And one of my podcasts came on in the car. How did it come on in the car? And you shouldn't be listening in the car. Only listen when you can safely close your eyes, remember? Made me think I should have offered a drop by wherever you live and offered to buy you lunch.

But I didn't. OK, cool. By the way, the podcast was the one you did with the geezer called Sebastian.

He's getting a bit of air time today, isn't he, Sebastian? Was entertaining, so perhaps you should do it again sometime. Only thing I'd say is it wasn't relaxing in the same way as your bored to sleep ones usually are due to the laughing and the general banks. So maybe you need it as a separate Jason Chats to podcast.

Just a suggestion. So I have to. Good idea.

I have told Sebastian. Sebastian. Sorry it took so long to reply.

Molly says four years. So I know it's really that I don't normally remember what I've spoken about in my podcasts. They generally I forget as soon as I've said it.

And I remembered that I talked about how surprised I was that I'd been making this. Let me boy to sleep podcast for over four years now. It was was it the 28th of March 2018.

And it's now the 5th of May 2022. So it's only just over four years, but four years. Wow.

And I just made it up. I've made it up as I went along. I have no idea really what I'm going to talk about.

Yeah, I've managed to do it 800 over 800 times. What on earth? I mean, I don't do anything in my life. I do nothing.

I literally do nothing. I have got nothing. I've got zero to talk about.

Genuinely. Now to tout. Yeah, I still managed to fill an hour.

Every time, generally. Or more. There's the occasional 45 minutes or 50 minute one.

But I did one that was half an hour long. I think when I was in Cornwall. But that's because there was people that I was on holiday with.

Indoors talking very loudly. And so I kind of know his cars going past and stuff. So I ended it.

I ended it. I ended the recording. A bit drastic.

I couldn't handle it anymore. People talking. So yeah, I just I replied to Molly said, yep.

Who'd believe I'd still be talking rubbish all this time. Pretty much anyone that I've ever met, I imagine. Oh, I've not replied to Diana.

Thank you. Sorry, Diana. She's talking about getting another ferret.

Billie Jean. Message unavailable. That was a 20th.

I wonder what that was then. Sally Knox. Message unavailable.

Val. Yeah, this is weird. Val Jean.

Proctor. Sent me a message saying, hey, please, can you do something for me real quick? You know, it's in America. Someone says real quick because we don't say that in this country.

We don't say like that. That term real quick. Can you say something real quick? Can I do something real quick? We don't we're not in that much of a hurry.

And I definitely don't do anything quickly. I saw. Totally true.

I see. See, your mind's gone into the gutter. And you were correct.

I have been trying. I said, what? What? My was my response. I don't know who this person is.

They're on my Facebook page. I've been trying to log into my Facebook on my new phone. And it keep saying they need to send code to three of my friends have gotten code from two friends.

Just one more to go. Wow. If that person's still there.

I mean, that's obviously a scam, isn't it? Not from her. But. From the.

It's a scam. Like the whole. I don't know.

I don't know what it is. Ways to hack into people's Facebook pages or something. Wow.

But it looks like she's all right. I hope she's right. I've looked at a page.

She's still there. That's right. Cool.

I mean, I just I didn't really know what to say. Could just. It's clearly.

Dodgy. You know, someone starting saying, oh, you need to do this. And in order to get into your Facebook account, you need to contact four friends and get a password and blah, blah, blah.

No. Well, it might be true. It might be true.

But I just. I mean, it might be real. I mean.

Oh. Yeah. I did have a Karen.

I sent me a message saying. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Fair enough. Okay.

This is in March. Do you have any ideas of sleeping longer than two hours? Lol. I wake up and you still going, but I can't get back to sleep.

I wake up wide awake. Then take me another two hours to get back to sleep. I'll give it some thought.

Thank you. I mean, that is kind of part why I did the music. I thought that might be.

Useful. In a way, you know, to have like longer recordings. The last five hours or ten hours.

That was kind of my thinking behind that. And. I don't know.

I mean, I suppose I could put together. A ten hour recording of me just talking. But it have to be.

It's obviously not just going to be. I can't talk for ten hours. Solid.

Even I would struggle with that. I think that would be, you know. That'd be a difficult one.

I mean, it's possible. I suppose I could probably do. I could do three hours.

I say that though, but. Even three hours is quite a lot. I mean, I like to think that I could.

But with breaks. You know, if it was a radio show. I'd have breaks during the news.

And maybe the adverts. You know, the adverts would be on. So out of a. 60 minutes.

I'd probably be talking for perhaps 40. Out of the 60 minutes or 45 out of the 60. So, you know, a 40 minute hour.

Is is doable. So I could do three hours. 40 minutes each.

Broken up, you know. So, but because I don't have adverts. I'm not a radio station.

I don't have like. Intermissions as it were. In fact, at the moment.

At the time of recording. No adverts at all. Not even at the beginning.

Got rid of them all. So. It's.

I could do three hours in that way. But. Three hours solid.

Like just talking for three hours. I mean I could. Yeah, I probably could do it.

I've done two hours in the past. On like a live broadcast. I've done two hours.

I've not done many two hour ones. But there are some out there. Among the 800 odd.

But I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

What do you think? What do you think? Maybe I could. I mean I have thought about. Maybe increasing.

The duration of. The recordings. To two hours.

Instead of one. Each day. But I don't know.

Not sure. Sure. Not sure.

Maybe. Maybe. And then maybe increasing it.

To three hours. If the two hours. Works out.

Still have a little bit of a need to cough. Every now and then. But it's.

Much better than it was. And I've been. Just drinking a can of Coke.

Because you know. We all know how healthy that is. So yeah.

I'm not sure. I don't know. I'll be honest.

Between me and you. Don't tell. Don't tell anybody.

Please. Keep it a secret. Just between us.

I started. Thinking about. What do I actually.

Enjoy doing. The most. As far as.

Podcasting. Stuff. Goes.

And. The honest truth. It's these.

It's to let me. Boy to sleep. Because I can just be me.

And. If my natural boringness. Can help people.

Then brilliant. That's just amazing. Isn't it.

Imagine having like. An affliction. That helps others.

So being. Incredibly tedious. And boring and repetitive.

That's an affliction in a way. It's a social affliction. It's you know.

You wouldn't want to be stuck in a corner. With me at a party. But if I can turn that.

Well I think I have turned it. Into. A positive.

By. Being someone you can listen to. Friendly voice.

Hopefully. If you didn't find me friendly. You probably not listen.

So I'm pretty friendly. I am friendly. I told you.

I'm friendly. It's got a friendly voice. And.

I. That was loud isn't it. I try to keep things to the same volume. But sometimes.

You know if you laugh. Or if you. If I cough or something.

You know. It's a louder. It's a louder sound.

I do. You know. Try and edit stuff.

So it keeps it. All within. The same.

Kind of. Sound. Zone.

As it were. I've got no idea what a sound. A sound zone is.

But it made sense to me. As I was saying it. I didn't do a recording yesterday.

Didn't even do. No I did. Yes I did.

No I did one recording yesterday. I did the let me boy to sleep. But I did it in the morning.

So I've not spoken to you. About. Today.

Or yesterday really. You know throughout the day. Had a food.

Delivery. But I'll talk about that in a sec. So I've come to.

To the realization that. First of all. I don't like making videos.

Now I know the internet is very. Video orientated. Especially.

You know social media. And it's easier to share videos. And videos are.

I don't know. I don't know. It's just.

It's how I started off making videos. And podcasts. At the same time.

I focus more on videos. Than I did on the podcasts. So I used to make the videos.

Then extract the audio. From the video. And then just post it on the podcast.

Without any editing. It sounded awful. But people still listened.

Which is what got me thinking. You know because. For years and years.

The quality of the videos. And the audio was not very good. Now.

The quality of the audio now. Is the best it's ever been. It's the best it's ever been.

I tell you. But that's because of investment. In equipment.

And to make things. To make everything sound better. There's also.

The videos that I've made. Over the last few years. Have been a lot better.

Because of the equipment. And that's more to do with just. Technology being better than it was.

You know I used to use the iPhone. Back in 2011. To make videos.

And. The only time the picture was. Fairly okay.

Was when I was in like. The most lit up room ever. During the day.

When the sun was basically shining in. Because I had this. There was this room that I used to do my counselling in.

And in between. Sessions. Sometimes I'd have an empty session.

Where there was no one coming. So I'd be in there for maybe four hours. And.

There'd only be three clients. So I'd have an hour. And there's one hour.

At one point. I think one day I was there in the morning. I'd have my lunch break.

And then I'd be there. I'd have like. Three in the morning.

Have my lunch break. Then three in the afternoon. So I'd have my lunch break to make a recording.

And sometimes I'd have a couple of slots. Where I didn't have anyone. So I was making videos in that room.

And in the summer. The light was magnificent. It was a really really good room.

For light. So I used to put the. Phone on its side.

And record myself. In a chair. With a big plant in the background.

And that's when I used to do the. What was it called? The. Hypnochats videos.

See I used to have a series called. Hypnochats. And I was quite pleased with them at the time.

At the time. But the sound was very echoey. It was very.

Because I wasn't. Really close to the camera. I wasn't a long way away.

Didn't need binoculars for me to see me. But I was. The.

The microphone wasn't. Very. Good.

And even now. The microphone on the iPhone isn't great. So I don't.

I don't know why actually. I thought. Maybe it's because they just.

They assume everyone that's going to be making YouTube videos. Will be using microphones. Externally.

Which is what I do. If I've got a microphone set up. With a whole.

A bunch of equipment. And then it click. It fits into the phone.

Which gives me like a really professional microphone. But then. The picture is okay.

But unless it's really light. The picture's not great. On the phone.

I mean. I was surprised. Because I went on a. Like a little.

Walk. I've done a few of them in the past. Since sort of October.

There's probably like three or four walks I've done. I've just gone in the fields. And I just had a little ramble.

Physically and verbally. And just talk about stuff. Just like this really.

And it's on my YouTube channel. Usually I just film the field. Occasionally I'll film myself.

And the picture isn't great. And I don't know why. I don't understand that.

Because we're talking. Bright day. As bright as it's going to get really.

This is. You can't get brighter than this. This is you know bright.

I feel I need to say the word bright again for some reason. I don't know why. So.

But the picture. I wasn't impressed with the picture. And it's supposed to be 4K.

And I still wasn't impressed with the picture. And I don't know why. Because for me it should be.

Pretty perfect. Now I do have a camera. That I can use.

It's just. It's easy. It's just easier to use.

A phone. It's just easier. You know just.

I don't really enjoy repeating myself. It's easier. Easier.

So yeah. Yesterday was alright. So I'm wondering.

I don't know what to do about. Alright so I was talking about the things that I don't. I don't really.

Enjoy making videos anymore. Haven't enjoyed it for a long time. I stopped doing it.

A few years ago. Did the occasional one. But I stopped doing it regularly.

You know it's a time when I'd make videos every day. Sometimes more than two or three. And then I you know.

I haven't done that for years. And I focused just on the podcasts. And then.

In 2000. I suppose yeah about 2018. The beginning of the year.

I decided to. Do some. Something new.

Which was this. The Let Me Boy To Sleep. And.

I joined Spreaker. And then I left Spreaker. And I joined another one.

And I tested out a few different podcast hosts. Because I wanted. Because I'd been on.

What was he called? What's the one I was on? Blimey I've forgotten the name of it now. What was the podcast I was on? I've forgotten. Anyway I was with a podcast host.

That I was with for years. And years. Like a decade or something.

A long time. And then I just thought. I'm going to do something different.

Do something different man. And I did. So I thought.

After testing out lots of different ones. SoundCloud. That's it.

I was on SoundCloud for years. And years and years. And I was always every now and then.

I'd stop and I'd test out another one. Sometimes I'd leave SoundCloud. And go back and.

You know I'd get. I don't know. A couple of hundred thousand downloads.

A year on SoundCloud. So I was pleased. I think I had 250,000 downloads.

Something like that. But. The last year I had 200.

So it's. It kind of grew and I was like okay. I was pleased with the number.

Because to get. That was a lot. You know.

Over that period for me. I thought to get a couple of hundred thousand downloads. A year was.

Pretty amazing. For me you know. The way it had been.

And then. Then I thought you know. I need to look around.

And see if there's other ways. Because at the time. I had it on SoundCloud.

But I had podcasts all over the place. All over the place. I still had YouTube.

Occasionally posting stuff. And you know I was everywhere. And my YouTube.

And my website page and everything. And I probably went. I mean I was still making videos.

Back in 2000. 2013. Even 2014.

I made the odd video. I was making podcasts. But I was.

Yeah. I think 2014. It was quite a difficult year.

Financially. And. I'd been a bit ill.

And I lost my job. In 2014. In February.

So 2013. Had been a bit of a weird year as well. So I kind of went for a bit.

So I wasn't as productive. With the recordings. As perhaps I am these days.

And. Plus I was working. So I didn't have as much time.

The. So there was a period of time when I was. I was just focusing on getting by really.

It was. I spent. I think 2013.

It was. August. It was August.

Because I remember in April I. My memory is this. I started. Yeah.

In April 2013. I went to the doctors. And I had this cough.

That continued. And. From.

When did I move in there? 2012. I moved into this. This little.

Den of a room. It was. A. There's a little dungeon basically.

And it was damp. And there was mold on the walls. And in the cupboards and stuff.

So it was really. It was slugs in the room. It was literally slugs.

So that was a bit rubbish. And. But compared to the previous place.

I'd lived in. Firstly it was affordable. And.

Compared to where I was. Because I was paying £125 a week. For a room.

Which was en suite. Had like a bathroom. So I was happy about that.

But then the toilet didn't work. Within about a week. And I'm not going to blame my own bum for that.

Because. I haven't broken any toilets in the past. And I've sat on quite a few.

I'm not trying to make out it's my hobby. But I've sat on a few toilets. And I've broken a couple of toilet seats.

It's. You know. Some toilet seats are just.

People. Really. Some people.

A bit. They skimp a little bit on. Buying a decent toilet seat.

They put like the crappiest little. Flimsiest little thing on there. Instead of like a proper.

You know. Hardcore. Strong.

Sturdy. Bog seat. I mean it's just.

A bog standard. It's. I mean I'm not talking about industrial.

But just. It doesn't have to be made of steel. Just something that.

Can take the weight of a human. And I've forgotten what my point was. It wasn't about toilets at all was it? I wasn't even.

Toilets wasn't even really. The subject. What was it? What was it? Toilets.

Sitting on a toilet. I've broken a few toilets. And the toilets stopped working.

Because I had an en suite. That's it. So.

But then. I had some problems with. A couple of people living there.

It was. And it was. There was conflict in that house.

I'm not really sure why. And it's ridiculous. Because it's the most expensive place.

I've ever lived in my life. Yet. It.

Is. It was a very strange. Very strange situation.

I think it was just a bunch of people. That were. Just.

Paying way above the odds. But were kind of. Not in a good space maybe.

All living together. But were not living together. You know.

In a house. A shared house. But if you're sharing a house.

You shouldn't have to pay. £125 a week. For a room.

I mean come on. This wasn't London. London obviously.

Different situation. But. I was.

I had a contract. To live there for a year. And I lived out there.

I lived for a year. And I moved out. The very first opportunity.

As soon as the year was up. And I moved. Into this little dungeon.

Because it was better. Than being there. And it was £85 a week.

Instead of £125. And. At this time.

I had lost. Most of my work. No I hadn't lost it.

No. It didn't happen till about April. But it's the.

I was a counsellor. And. I was.

I was earning enough. I was just. Just about had enough.

To get by. And then. The.

The government made. Lots of cuts. And stuff.

And. The. The charities.

I was working for. I was self-employed. But I was you know.

Subcontracted. Or whatever you call it. They just.

Said that's it. One literally closed. Like not.

Not. Just like I said. That's it.

No more. Not even. You don't even get to say goodbye to the clients.

That's it. You're not. You can't see anyone.

Anymore. Because I couldn't afford it. And.

The other one. Reduced. And then the third one.

Cut it down to. Probably about. Four a week.

Instead of. With them I was getting. Probably about twelve a week.

So cut it down to four a week. So it wasn't enough. You know.

I wasn't earning enough to live on. It was just enough. You know.

Just. If I didn't eat too much. And.

So I did that. I did. I tried a few part-time jobs as well.

While I was working in the dungeon. Living in the dungeon. And then.

I did. Yeah. I did some care work.

What other things did I do? I think that's about it really. I think. I might have looked into.

I'm not sure if I did any cleaning jobs. I might have done. I think it was just care work though.

For an agency. And then. I. I managed to get through the whole year.

Which is amazing. Managed to get through 2012. And.

Just. Scraping by. If you know.

Just getting by. And. In the December.

No. The November. I applied for a job.

In a care. In a call centre. And I got the job.

Which I was surprised. I actually applied for two jobs. Two different jobs.

Two different call centres. One was insurance. Car insurance.

And another one was. I think it was interviewing people for jobs. And I got offered both those jobs.

I played the safe ticket. Which I kind of wish I hadn't now in a way. Not that it makes any difference.

But. I played it safe. And I stuck to car insurance.

Because that's what I. Had already known about. Audi. Spent years doing.

In the past. Although. On reflection.

I think the other job. Would have been more fun. But.

It doesn't matter. So. What I did is.

I started that job. At the beginning of December. Very weird month to start a job.

December. It just seems like a strange time. And I finished my training.

Literally just before Christmas. And. I didn't start working.

Properly. On the phones. In my team.

Until January. And everything was good. But anyway.

I had. The reason I'm mentioning. I had this cough.

When I first moved into this. Dungeon. Place.

This. Grotty little. Place.

That I was living in. Tiny little room. I got a chest infection.

And I'd only been there for. A couple of weeks. Maybe.

If that. And I got. The worst chest infection.

I've ever had in my life. And it lasted for. Who.

Lasted for about three weeks. And but I had. About two weeks off work.

And I didn't get paid for that. Because I was self-employed. And I had to go back on the third week.

Even though I was coughing still. I just said look. I've got a chest infection.

If you. If you want. It's up to you.

If you want to. If you want to. Still be in the same room as me.

It's fine. If you don't. Then we can.

Cancel. And people were fine with it. And.

So. I got into. It took.

Months. To get back. After that.

Because I'd lost. Two weeks of money. So.

It was. It was a weird situation. And.

But that cough. Lasted. I got rid of the cough.

You know. The actual chest infection. I had to sit up.

And. Literally. Didn't really get much sleep.

For ten days. And then eventually. You know.

Kind of. As they always do. Just kind of.

It goes back to normal. But I had this. Residual cough.

That. Sort of. Carried on.

And it seemed to get worse. When I was in the call centre. Now.

I'm sure. Talking all the time. Didn't help.

Having air conditioning. Maybe. I don't know.

But. I couldn't really figure out. What was going on.

And I went to a doctor. They started. Sent me to a. Asthma nurse.

In case it was asthma. I guess that's obvious. In case it was asthma.

And. They weren't sure. Weren't sure.

It was kind of. We're not sure. They said.

So. Were they not sure Jason? No. They weren't sure.

Okay. Just trying to. Just make sure.

I understand. What's going on. They weren't sure.

Okay. Yeah. Okay.

I repeat myself. Sometimes. We all repeat ourselves.

Sometimes. You know. We all repeat ourselves.

Sometimes. Anyway. So.

What happened then. Is. So I went to the doctors.

They gave me. Asthma pumps. To see if it helped.

And then. Then. I got down.

I got. I got depressed. And stuff.

So I went to doctors. Put me on antidepressants again. The cough went away.

And. Then it got to the point. Where I just couldn't.

Couldn't be there anymore. So I'm not going to go into. I've talked about.

I probably have talked about this before. But. And.

I think in the early days. I was probably. Quite explicit.

About what went on. So I won't go into that here. But.

I. I basically said. Look. I have to have some time off.

I'm pretty sure it was August. I said. Look.

Possibly. August bank holiday. I said.

I have to have. Some time off. And he said.

I can give you. Four days off. Or.

Yeah. Four days or something. You know.

I said. Thank you. So I didn't go in the next day.

And after those four days. I couldn't go back. I just.

I was. I was not in a good space anyway. And so just.

Let's leave it at that. Shall we. I was in a very.

Very bad space. In fact. And.

I couldn't. Couldn't. Couldn't go back.

I tried. But I couldn't. And.

I think I even went there. I went to go back. Walked to work.

And I just turned around. And walked home. That's when I knew.

Oops. So. I went to the doctor.

Doctor. Gave me a week off. Like.

A sick note for a week. And. It just.

The thing is right. I genuinely. Wanted to go back to work.

I just didn't want to feel. The way I was feeling. You know.

I wanted to go back. I. I was good at the job. Well.

I was fairly good at the job. I wasn't. Brilliant.

But I hadn't been there long enough. You know. Previous jobs.

I was. I knew that. I could get better.

Like I used to be in the old days. But I was still good. But.

So. I wanted to work. Genuinely.

Hand. On leg. Wanted to work.

OK. But I couldn't face it. So.

Every. I think it was every Monday. I'd go into the doctor's surgery.

That's when we could just go in and. Be seen. Can't do that now.

It's. A. Six week wait or something to be seen. I think you can get seen sometimes.

If there's an appointment. A cancellation or something. But it's.

It's changed quite a lot over the last. Blimey. What's that? Nine years.

Because this is 2013. I'm talking about now. So.

2013. I'd be. Forty two.

At this point. And. Every week I go back to the doctors.

And then he starts signing me off for two weeks. And two weeks. I'm laughing now.

I don't know why. But then two weeks. Turned into.

Four like monthly. So. After a certain amount of time.

They stopped paying me. They'd started paying me like a. A lower rate of money. A lower amount.

So it was. I don't like a half. Half the amount of what I was getting before.

So. Then it started to get. Oh okay.

I have to be careful here. And then. I tried to go back.

I tried to go back. I think in the October. And I actually did go back.

In the November. Like I actually physically went back in. Sat down.

I was there all day. Or half. I did half a day.

And fell off my chair. Which was weird. And.

The thing about it is. My team leader told. Sent an email.

To everyone in my team. There was one to. I don't know.

Eight to ten people in my team. Not around a table. Sent an email telling everyone that I was off.

With depression. Now that wasn't anyone's business. To know that.

And then at least one person in my team. Basically told everyone else. I think he might have even shared the email.

With everyone else on the floor. On the dance floor. And telling everyone I was mental.

I had a mental breakdown. I was in a mental hospital. Even though that wasn't true.

Maybe the mental breakdown. Maybe. I don't know.

But I wasn't in hospital. So. Once I found that out.

It was very hard to walk back. Into that office. Because I was no longer.Me. To. A lot of the people that worked there.

Or at least that's my guess. I was this. Ill person.

I was this something else. And I felt that people were looking at me. Even talking to me.

Differently. To before. Because you know.

As a person. I guess. I'd say I'd probably come across fairly confident.

In conversation. And I don't know. Just.

Something didn't feel right. Didn't feel right. But how much of that was just how I was feeling anyway.

I don't know. So. I tried to go back.

Three times. I arranged to go back three times. And then at one point.

The time I went actually physically went in. Because I tried to go back. Twice before.

Couldn't do it. And this is my memory of it. The third time.

I went back. Because they told me that I was sacked. Because I didn't turn up.

For the. Tribunal. My disciplinary.

Disciplinary for being ill. Okay. That's interesting.

Because I didn't turn up for it. While I was ill. You don't.

You don't not go to work but then turn up. To be disciplined. For being you know it's like.

No I'm not walking. No what. And they sacked me in my absence.

So I called them up. Because I got this letter I said. What are you doing.

She said well you didn't turn up. I said. Well I couldn't turn up.

She said if you had phoned us. We could have done it on the phone. Well I didn't know that.

And secondly. Why you. What is the discipline.

She said. And then she said. Well we didn't want to sack you.

We value you. You being here and we. We wanted to keep your job for you.

But we can't just keep it forever. And. I said well.

Does that mean I can come back then. She said. Yeah.

So I'm not sacked. No no if you come back you're not sacked. So I went back.

That Monday. And like we agreed to do like half days. For the first.

Couple of weeks or something or for the first month. Do part time then build into full time again. And that's when I fell off the chair.

But falling off the chair is not really relevant. It's just kind of a bit of funny light relief really. I don't know how it happened.

But anyway I fell off the chair. But I went there and it was. That's when I found out that people had been.

Talking about me and stuff. Oh. It was like I was no longer.

I don't know if I was ever one of the lads. Or one of the team whatever. But it was.

It was. I was being treated differently. And.

I didn't like that. I didn't like that one bit. In fact I mean I know it's wrong and it can't happen.

You know. But I'd almost would have preferred if. Someone started shouting out.

Making fun of me. For being crazy or something. I know obviously that can't happen.

In you know they'd. They'd have to be sacked for doing that. In this day and age.

But at least then I can. I can turn it around and. Say something funny or you know.

It's almost. A bit of humor might have gone a long way. Potentially.

You know someone said. Oh you still crazy. And it just it would be funny.

If it was someone I liked. Obviously it was someone I didn't know or anything. Then it's not funny but.

It's a few people that could have said that to me. And I would have laughed. Because.

I try not to take myself. Too seriously. But because I know they were joking.

Obviously. Well. Hopefully.

But it was weird. It was. So yeah.

So that. I kind of just had to leave. I left then.

I'm not sure if I saw the day out. Or if I left early. I can't remember.

I really can't remember. But I couldn't go back. And.

In February. They sacked me. Or terminated my employment.

Because I'd had too much time off ill. So I. That was it. I had to go and.

Get unemployment. And. I was living on.

I was living on about 30 pound a week. Until. I think November.

Of that year. I was literally. That's how much I had to buy food.

Because. I couldn't even get full rent. They'd only give me 63 pound a week for rent.

For a room. And my room was 85. I had to pay the rest out of the money I got.

So. You know it was. And I had mobile phone to pay out for.

Credit cards. You know things that I still had to pay. But I got a bit help with that.

And. And eventually. By I think November.

So during that time. During basically. Throughout 2013.

Most of the year. I wasn't in a. Best space to sort of make new recordings. I did do some.

I know I did because. There was a season that I was doing. Not 2003.

2014 sorry. Now it's February 2014. And November to November 2014.

So. This is the year that I'm focusing on now. 2014.

I lose track. So. That was a year of.

Eating out of tins. And really cheap food. And just getting through it.

Going to the park. Had a little routine. Not a comedy routine.

No tap dancing. It was just. I'd go to the park.

I'd feed the squirrels. I miss doing that. I didn't miss doing it when I got Andre.

Because I had my own little squirrel. You know I know he wasn't a squirrel. But I had my own little.

Bit of wildlife. Bit of nature in my home. So I miss doing that for a little bit.

When I first moved here. But during 2014. That's what I started doing.

Part of my own. Kind of self therapy in a way. I'd go to the park.

I'd feed the squirrels. I'd go. I'd buy nuts and seeds and stuff.

Properly for them to eat. I wouldn't take like bread or. Anything like that.

I'd actually go and get the right things for them to eat. And then. The pigeons.

And I'd feed the birds as well with the seeds. Not my seed. You know seeds out of a packet.

A bird seed. And. Then I'd go to the.

The Buddhist shop. And have a little chat. With them.

Sometimes it'd only be hello and goodbye. Because they were busy. Or maybe they'd stop and chat to me.

But it was always like pop in. Just to say hello. And then I'd go home and I'd watch Terry and June on telly.

On ITV. ITV2. Or was it ITV3? One of them.

Either ITV2 or ITV3. And I think probably ITV3 actually. It'd be Terry and June.

Rising Damp. Sometimes it'd be Porridge. Other times it'd be.

Um. Pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity. You.

What's their names? Oh. What's their names? Blimey. The Ropers.

Wow. It's gone right out of my head. Um.

Robin's Nest. Used to be on. Not Robin's Nest.

Man About the House. And then. The Ropers were downstairs.

They were the landlord and landlady. And then they had their own show. Georgian Mildred.

That's it. Georgian Mildred. So that used to be on as well.

So there used to be a variety of different ones. Um. And I used to watch that.

I used to watch like an hour of that. In the afternoon. And that was.

Kind of the only real. Routine. As it were that I had.

During that year. Apart from watching music videos. So I was watching a lot of music videos.

Watching The Box. I think it was or. Channel 4 Music.

Whatever. And there was loads of all the up to date music videos. So I really kind of got quite up to date with.

The. What was happening in music. At the time.

Which was the first time I'd done that for quite a while. And I think at the time. It was the.

Cannonball. Not cannonball. Not rolling ball.

Wrecking ball. You need to make a wrecking ball. Do do do do do do.

Old Miley. Psoriasis. Is um.

And. Did that song. And.

I remember what was it. Quite a few other songs. That were really good at the time.

I like that song. So there's lots of songs. I kind of just got to like all of them really.

And. And then in 2000. I don't know what else I really did.

I didn't do much else really. I just I kept getting behind on my rent. But.

I was catching up eventually. And then I lived. So I lived there until.

It was April 2015. And. I got a phone call saying that I want to.

Look at. Well actually. Two weeks before or 10 days before.

I got a phone call saying that I want to look at a flat. That was in my dad's town. Which was.

Kind of what I was. Sort of planning to do. And.

Kind of wish I had. To be fair. But they sort of said.

Oh you're at the top of the list. And then they never contacted me back again. So I figured that I must have gone.

And then another place that I applied for. Was here. And they said.

You can come and have a look at it. You're the top of the list. You got first refusal.

And. So I just come along. It was the Easter bank holiday weekend.

So it was. The. Excuse me.

It was the Tuesday. That Tuesday after Easter. So I came up on the.

Think I came up on the. Friday. And I came up on the Saturday.

So I just wanted to check out the place. I knocked on some doors. Just to sort of.

You know find out what it's like to live in there. Is it any good. Is it quiet and all that stuff.

Nobody answered the doors. So. I just came back on the Tuesday.

I also wanted to see how easy it was to get here. From town. It's a straight bus.

But it's. They've now changed it to every hour. It was every 20 minutes when I moved in.

Then it's. Then it became maybe half hour. And now it's every hour.

And on a Sunday. It's every two hours. But every hour.

It's just a bit rubbish now. It's just. You know.

Yeah. So. I remember I came up.

I think it was on the Friday. I got a bus up. Which is easy.

For some reason it was a bank holiday Friday. But the buses were running. I must have forgotten it was bank holiday Friday.

Good Friday. But then there was no buses going back. So I walked the whole way.

All the way into town. So it took about. Two and a half hours.

Something like that. And I thought. I remember thinking.

And then I thought. There's buses. You know generally there's buses.

And they're every 20 minutes. But there's also the. I just so wanted to get out of where I was.

You know where I was living. And the idea of having my own flat. After all the years.

All the years of living in. Shared accommodation. Some.

Some grotty. Some less grotty. Some okay.

Some awful. You know just different places for. Since the age of.

16. And I just thought wow. Okay.

And I came in here. The building looked okay. It's clean.

It's not really. Not loads of stairs to go up. So it's not like a high rise or anything like that.

Come inside. There's no lights. Early in the.

It was like half eight in the morning. So I could see everything pretty much. Because it's quite light in there.

Or quite a light flat actually. In June the day. As far as.

Nothing's light at night is it. Okay. Fair enough.

Stop. Criticizing me. So yeah I. I looked around.

And I've told this story a few times. But that's all part of the repetition isn't it. Yeah.

The boring tediousness of the recording. Hmm. And the one thing I noticed is.

It's a good size. And to be fair. After where I was living.

It'd be like a. Mention. This is like a mention compared to that. Each room is.

Pretty much twice the size. It probably isn't. It just feels that way.

It's twice as wide. That's a fact. And.

To be able to sleep in a different room. To the one that I live in. The one you know the one with the television.

I mean. I could have a television in the bedroom. But purposely never had one.

Yet my whole. Life since the age of. Fourteen.

I've had a TV in the bedroom. But I decided nope. I'm not going to sit in bed watching television.

I'm not doing that anymore. Because I don't have to. And if I have a television in the bedroom.

I'm not saying I'll never have one. I mean. There might come a time when I want a television in the bedroom.

There might come a time when I'll need a television. I don't know. Who knows what's going to happen.

But I just the idea. Of having two separate rooms. However weird it might sound to those.

Of. Maybe always lived in a house. Always had.

Like a separate room from a bedroom. I for most of my adult life. I've just had one room where I'm sleeping.

Eating everything. Just one place. So I'm sitting up in bed watching telly.

Sit up in bed to read. And some rooms have their desks. Which is good.

So I'll be able to write and read at the desk. And eat at the desk. Or table.

But quite often you know. Sitting. Up in bed watching telly.

A little telly. As well. Never had like big tellies.

Now that's not true. I had a big telly in 1995. It was a second hand one.

But it was. One of these really big heavy things. Like with the back.

You know. It wasn't a flat screen in them days. It was a round screen.

But it wasn't big. It was. No.

I've had two big tellies. And I say big. But probably.

30 inches maybe. 40. 30, 35, 40.

I don't know. But quite you know. Nice size.

Compared to what I was used to. I used to have just tiny little. Portable televisions.

But. I once. This is back in 2003.

Maybe 2002. 2003. I rented a TV and video.

Set. Like on a stand. From I think it was Hughes.

Which was a TV. Or it might have been. What was that company.

That used to do it. Hughes was one. But there used to be another one.

But. I rented a TV and a video. And it was like.

£4.90 a week. Or something like that. Well not about £9.

It was like £14 a month. £15 a month. Something.

And I had it but I couldn't afford it. It was lovely. To have this big television.

And it took up half the room. And even so I said it's big. It was big compared to anything.

You had when I was a kid. Like in the living room. But I just.

It'd been years and years and years. Since I'd sort of. Nearly 10 years really.

Since I'd experienced that. Although my step-nan had a big. Probably a big telly.

So that was when I was 16. 15, 16. 15 so yeah.

Let's say 8 years. It was lovely to start with. And then I realised I just couldn't afford it.

And I was so sad. Oh. Oh.

So. It's weird. I don't know how I got on the subject of televisions.

And as I look at my television now. I'm starting to feel grateful. So yeah I've got a television.

It's a nice one. It's the first nice one I've ever had. So that's good.

It's the first nice television ever. Oh. It's got to be nice.

It's got to last me for another 35 years. So what else. Yeah.

So that's it. I don't know what I'm talking about. 2013, 2014.

But. That's what I ended up talking about. I'm not sure why.

But there you go. There you go. In it.

In it. And I've managed to talk for 69 minutes. Solid.

About nowt. So I'm going to go. Thank you.

For listening. Remember to be kind. To yourself.

Because. You deserve. To be happy.

Happy happy. Also remember. To be gentle.

Notice the things you say to yourself. And notice if there's anything a bit harsh. You know.

Like okay. How can you. Make that internal dialogue.

Just a little bit more gentle. A little bit softer. So that you can feel.

More relaxed. More accepted. Calmer.

Lots of love. Bye.