#798 Let me bore you to sleep - DOG SITTING - Jason Newland (11th FEBRUARY 2022)

Hello and welcome to Jason Newland dot com. My name's Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

Now, now, now, now, now, now. Oh, dear. Well, I've got a dog in the background.

If you can hear him eating. He's decided to join me again for another podcast episode for some reason. And I've turned him into a dog sitter or whatever you want to call it.

So, yeah. I was chucking some water over him earlier. I thought that'd be funny.

We were playing. I wasn't being horrible. We were playing and stuff and he was dodging.

He dodged every bit of water I chucked at him, like from a saucepan. It sounds weird, doesn't it? But it's a play. Anyway, I got some on him and as soon as that happened, he jumped onto a sofa and rolled all around so the sofa was covered in water.

Lovely. There goes that bit of fun. Mmm.

So, yeah, I had a weird experience last night. So I'm making this recording in the morning because when I've got the dog up here, I can't really do anything. I can't make a hypnosis recording because, you know, it's not really conducive to have him chomping away and snoring and running around and banging into things, usually my legs.

But, you know, I thought it's not so bad when I make these recordings to have a lovely little doggie in the background having fun. It brings for, I guess, quite a positive, oh, I'm so tired, sort of positive kind of vibe to the thing. A different kind of energy, I guess.

A little bit of, yeah, a bit of that. Yeah, you know, yeah. So I had a few problems with the recording set up, but I spoke to my friend, Sebastian, it's a lady in Hong Kong or somewhere, and she sort of gave me a little bit of advice and what I've done is made a few little changes because I've got all the equipment, but I'm just doing things a little bit different.

And what I was aiming for kind of wasn't really possible and I didn't realise that even the microphones themselves have a little bit of sound that comes from them because it's got electricity running through it. So what I decided is hopefully I've got the volumes at a better level, but at the same time, if there's a little bit of background sound then that's okay. I've got to just accept that.

I've got soundproofing. I know if I was in a, can you hear this crunching? It's basically, I think it's a knuckle, a pork knuckle or something that dogs eat and it's a massive old thing. And I've given him two, I think, this week or one last week.

Yeah. And one this week and they're frozen, but he gets into it straight away and I have to give it to him in the hallway. Otherwise he has these little excitability episodes where he chucks them in the air and chases them like you see a dog with a ball, but he doesn't do it with a ball because he's not interested in balls.

Unless, well he is because he likes to always kick me in the balls constantly. I mean literally he would just jump up and just kick me. What with his, punch me in the balls constantly, always doing it.

And I have to put the stuff in the hallway because otherwise I'm a little bit worried that he's end up smashing my television or one of my laptops or, you know, I'll just write no. As it is, he jumped onto the, onto the settee and now I'm thinking, has he broken my headphones? So I don't, hopefully he hasn't done that because he's big, big, heavy, heavy dog, really heavy and strong. Anyway, that's enough about him.

So, last night I had a bit of a weird mental turn, a little weird mental turn and I, that's really annoying me now. Can you hear it? You must be able to hear it in the background. That's him, crunching.

Anyway, this next bit, not next bit, but what I'm going to tell you is, this is how I was thinking last night. Luckily I didn't act upon it and it took me many years to, to no longer act upon those moments. But what I wanted to do was smash all my belongings up.

I know it sounds, you might say it's very childish, but it's not, it's a bit more serious than just being like a childish thing. But I really was sitting here fantasizing about it and literally just destroying all of my stuff, including the television and the microphones and just, it's weird. Like I didn't do it, but I have done those kinds of things before.

So not for a long time, but just, you know, I've had a few weird occasions and I thought, I just sat with it. I thought, no, why am I even thinking this? The thing is this last couple of days has been really, really hard and a few challenges to deal with from other people. And it, it affected me a bit.

That's all in the past now, really. But I guess finding out just family members, parents got COVID and there's my dad's attitude towards it. And just, I spoke to my step mum yesterday and she's ill.

She's starting to get iller. So she, she said it for about 11, 12 days, she was diagnosed with it and she was starting to recover, you know, starting to get better. My dad seems to be recovered.

So his attitude, if I say, how are you getting on? He says, oh, we're, but we're fine. So, but she's not. So what I did is I phoned and I said, can you take me off loudspeaker? I phoned her, her mobile phone and I said, I want to have a private conversation with her.

So I asked her how she was and she says she wasn't fine. She was actually feeling worse yesterday than she had done for about a week. So, you know, that was a bit upsetting because there's nothing, you know, ain't nothing I can do is there? I can't, I'm not a doctor and I just hope that she's going to be okay.

So that was a bit weird. And some stuff that happened the day before, I didn't go into great detail, but that was challenging because it brought out a side of me in defense of my friend. It brought out quite an aggressive side to me that doesn't really come out that, and I'm not an aggressive person, but I kind of, I went in a direction that I don't normally, I never go, I'm not, I'm a gentle, I'm a gentle person.

I'm a nice, I think I'm a fairly nice person, gentle. I wouldn't harm anyone, but I was in a very, when it comes to defending other people, I go into a turn, my personality turns, less so with myself, you know, I'm not so worried about myself, but when I see someone else being harmed or potentially in danger, I, something clicks in my head and I change. Keep it light Jay.

Okay, I'll keep it light. I'll move on from this. I'm just, I'm just opening up, letting you know what's going on in my life.

It's not all jokes and farts. There are some, you're serious a little bit, but I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm just, it was just a weird, weird buildup.

And last night I was sitting here and I was thinking, it was almost like a fantasy. I was seeing myself do it, and I knew that I would thoroughly enjoy doing it. I'll almost be in blissful because I knew it'd be fun.

I would regret it the next day, or maybe who knows, might take a few days, but, and I thought, oh, so the only thing I could do was to go to bed. I stayed up for a little bit, watched TV and that was as boring as nothing. Nothing was kind of really grabbing my attention or was any good of a distraction.

So I went to bed and woke up. I felt a bit better. So I don't have those destruction urges anymore.

And I actually, I made a recording earlier, number 152 relaxer sleep hypnosis daily, deeply letting go. So I've recorded that earlier and cause I had to be up early to look after the dog, but I wasn't looking after the dog until half nine. So I woke up about, it was just before six o'clock this morning.

So I, I just got up, didn't know what time it was until I get out of bed because I don't have a clock in my bedroom. I don't have my phone in my bedroom unless I've got it on an alarm, you know, to wake me up. And that's only when I've got an appointment.

So that's rarely, that's only a few, few times a year, really, that I have to set an alarm. And if I've got an appointment in the afternoon, I don't have to set the alarm because I'm always awake by then. But if I have to, if I've got an appointment at 10 in the morning, even though quite often I'll wake up early, I have to make sure, you know, so I set the alarm, but I don't have the phone there.

But then last night, another thing that just, I was, I helped my neighbour the day before, who locked himself out of his flat, helped him to sort that out. People seem to come to me for help when they're in trouble for some reason, even though it's not difficult to sort it out, you know, but he was out of his flat, so he had no internet, he didn't have his phone on him, he didn't, you know, he couldn't do anything, so I kind of just made the phone call and I've got the locksmith on my phone because we've used him about five or six times since I've lived there. So he knows me, he knows the flat, he knows the building, you know.

I phoned him up and I said, oh it's Jason, he said, oh is that, and he said my address, I said yeah. So he knocked on my door, not the door, the locksmith, but the neighbour, it was quarter to ten in the evening, half nine, quarter to ten, I was asleep. I'd actually gone to bed and he woke me up and it put me in such a bad mood, but he just, he doesn't just knock the door, he honestly shakes the flat when he knocks the door, uses the knocker.

Stop panting. He's like, it's not hot in here, or maybe it is hot, I don't know. Is it hot? He just wants attention.

He's bored now, he's got nothing to do, all he really wants is the biscuit tin. He's actually standing, go away. He's now, he's sitting next to my chair, but all he wants, because he keeps pointing with his nose to the biscuit tin, which is on the table, and he's not having any biscuits.

No, no, you're not having a biscuit, no, doesn't like being told no, no, no, no, no, no, he keeps, he knows, he can't even see the biscuit tin, but he can sniff it, he can smell it, so he's sticking his nose, and his nose is about four inches away from the biscuit tin, but he can't actually see it, if you know what I mean, because he can't see the top of the table. I'll give you a biscuit later, but I can't just keep, you don't want to, it's not probably very healthy to keep eating biscuits all the time, and you've just eaten all those knuckles. It's not like you haven't had something to chew on and play with, is it? No, exactly.

He's very demanding as well, he just expects to get what he wants. There's no sense of, make as many noises as you want, mate, it's not going to make any difference. I don't feel obligated to give you biscuits, I'm looking after you, you've got water, you've got your bones to play with and eat, haven't you? You've got a comfy set to sleep on, if you want to, you've got a run of the place, you can go in any room you want to go in, it's nice and warm in there, the window's open as well, so the air's coming in.

I mean, what else do you need? You've got oxygen, don't you? What more do you need? What more? Biscuit, biscuit, that's all he's thinking, biscuit, give me biscuit now, now, biscuit now, isn't it? That's all he's thinking. He doesn't understand what I'm doing, I guess, does he? Because I've got this microphone in front of me and he's hassling me while I'm making a recording. Now, that is a no-no, you know, really, I mean, that's one of the things that's not allowed.

When I'm making a recording, everybody needs to leave me alone because it's important, you know, I don't want, I don't, what do you want? What do you want? What? What? What? What do you want? No, you can't come up here, you're, you're not hitting the microphone. Oh, now he can see the biscuit too, he's moved over, he can see it. What? Oh, he's just scratched my arm, he's just gone out of his paw to beg and he's scratched my arm, he's left a big mark.

You want a biscuit? Okay, you can have one biscuit, in fact, it'll be two because I've broken it in half, so it'll be one or two biscuits really. Right, you ready? I'll break this in half so you don't hear. Ready? It doesn't even chew, he just swallows it whole.

There's a little bit of chewing but, you know, you know what I mean. There you go, you don't want any more, do you? Do you want the last bit? You don't want the last bit, do you? You do? You do? Okay. That's it, I have none left.

He's looking at my hands like, yeah, there's nothing in your hands and now he's, he's using my body to get up so he can see the tin, the biscuit tin, because I've moved it away but now he's, he knows it's there. The other day, in fact, I looked after him for pretty much three days last week and solid two nights and three days and every time I ate I put the plate down, I should have learnt this really, but I put the plate down on a side table that I've got next to my settee. Not every food, that would be kind of like if I'd had a, some toast or something, I'll eat it sitting on a settee.

If I have a cooked meal, like potatoes or whatever, you know, and food, I'll sit at my table and eat, you know, I'm not, I'm not, not really a sitting on a sofa eating a cooked meal, don't do that.

I have done that but I don't do it now because I have, well actually I have three tables, four if you include the other little one, but I've got two big computer desks and they make kind of a, I don't have to, what's this, what is this, not a semicircle, basically I've got my, I've got my, those who watch my videos you'll see behind me is there's a punch bag and next to that there's a bookshelf but in front of the bookshelf there's one desk which is sideways leak and it goes, it doesn't, it's not

touching the wall but it kind of goes against the wall and then next to that there's my Nan's table, her dinner table that I inherited and then next to that sideways is the other computer desk so I can kind of turn my chair around.

It's not quite as easy as that because I suppose it could be actually if I was clever and put the stuff in the right place so that goes away the other way so it's kind of a rectangle, that's what I was thinking, a rectangle which is pretty cool.

It's quite a fairly decent setup really. I'm fairly pleased and still managed to, still managed to get messy and I spent probably four days last week tidying, if not more, tidying up and still it seems to be any surface that's a flat surface I seem to be able to fill so my theory is get rid of as many flat surfaces as possible which means I won't use them for rubbish. It's not rubbish, it's not like, it just, they're like empty bags and maybe empty bottles of water that I've, you know, that I've got through.

Just coins, you know, bit of coins here and there and I put my headphones on there my glasses and some books and so it's not rubbish, it's just untidy. I'm not coming in from the kitchen and just pouring a bag of rubbish everywhere. I guess that'd be weird but no weirder than what I was talking about earlier I realise.

I'm a bit worried about you, you were going to destroy all your belongings, what's all that about? Don't worry about it, it's the moments past but I used to do that when I was younger. The last time, sometimes what I used to do is I used to destroy, it's kind of like a self-sabotaging thing I guess but a bit more in some cases so if I'd get a bad comment or someone was really really rude online why or if you know something triggered me what I would do is delete everything from the internet.

I would delete podcasts, I would delete Facebook, Twitter to start with, I would delete all kinds of stuff and then the next day I'd regret it and I'd have to start all over again.

I'd delete videos off of YouTube, off the YouTube channel and then again I'd have to start all over again and once one time I actually deleted and closed my YouTube channel that was actually going really well, it was starting to become successful. It was at that point of growth which would have led me to be maybe not a big player but I definitely would have been able to earn a really good living by now, 10 years on from when I destroyed it all. So I would say the growth was probably about 20% a month so you know imagine it might not have stayed at that growth, in reality it probably would have grown bigger, would have like increased.

So I was getting 45,000 downloads a month but the month before I had maybe 30,000 or 33,000 you see what I mean in the month before that maybe 26,000 so it started to really grow and I think I was up to about 3,000 subscribers and I was getting 20, 30 sometimes maybe 40 subscribers, new subscribers a day.

So everything's really growing, it sort of took off, it launched, I'd had the YouTube channel for a few years I think from since 2007 to about 2013 I think it was so it took a few years for it to become known and the quality of the recordings weren't particularly good, the video quality wasn't very good on a lot of them but you know I had an audience, I had a following and I just closed it and I was up to 500,000 video views off for that channel, for that YouTube channel. So again it's not a lot compared to others, there's a lot compared to me if that makes sense.

So you know that's one of my destructive things and it almost kind of just ruined a potential career I guess and I never came back from that, I never really bothered with YouTube after that until more recently and I've done a little bit of YouTube stuff and I've had a YouTube channel for I think three years now and I put no effort into it really I've just, I uploaded all my videos I think when I first opened it and then I've, last year I uploaded the every episode of my podcasts onto my YouTube channel as

well so every episode, none of the ones with music just the ones without music so there's you know there's I don't know well over a thousand I think maybe 1500 recordings or videos on my YouTube channel and it's still very slow you know I'm getting, I'm getting probably what's it in the last month I've 13 subscribers, 13 so it just shows you how how slow and how little my YouTube channel is so what 623 subscribers and I'm getting it variates between one to about 1.

4 thousand so just over 1100 to 1400 video plays a month which is tiny isn't it watch time in hours for the last 28 days is 312 hours so I suppose 312 hours is quite a lot when you think I don't know is that a lot I don't know 312 hours divided by how do you work that out 312 hours 312 divided by 60 no what that doesn't even make sense is it 312 hours 312 hours divided by um okay 312 hours so 312 312 divided by 28 so it's 11 hours a day roughly my

videos are listened to for 11 hours a day so so it's 4067 hours for a year I know it doesn't there's not really much point in what I was saying there was it working that out but it's tiny because I'm not I don't see the point in bragging about something that isn't true or I like to just be honest so although I'd say about how well the podcasts are going unequally I'll tell you how rubbish other stuff is going like the YouTube channel isn't going very well and that's partly because of me well I guess

it's all well not all because of me I mean YouTube you know choose which videos that they promote who what they think other people like and they don't really promote me perhaps it's because I'm just not very good I don't know but um I'm not really although I still share all my podcasts onto YouTube making videos I don't know I'm beginning to think that those days are gone I don't really enjoy videos anymore I prefer to just sit in front of a microphone and just talk you know talk talk and just it's much easier to

be myself when I'm not being filmed I don't know why I really I'm not sure why I just don't feel self-conscious at all when I talk I don't um don't feel embarrassed not concerned about what I look like it doesn't matter what I look like when it's just my voice doesn't matter what I'm wearing doesn't matter what my hair is like doesn't matter at all all that matters is I guess whatever people look for in a podcast whatever you get out of this or whether it's my squeaky voice or my uh super exciting you know

life I imagine that's part of the reason people listen because I'm so exciting and all my wonderful uh life-changing adventures that enthrall you what are you doing he's gone for a walk he's decided isn't that weird he's gone he's the curtains open and there's one big strip of light from the sun going all the way through the living room and he sat right in front of the sun he's literally got his face in the sun so he can't be hot can he he can't be overheated if he's sitting in the sun you know otherwise unless

he's a bit he's a bit dim dogs are so clever no they're not they're really not they're so intelligent no they're not sorry they're not they're lovely and you know but intelligence I mean most humans aren't either are they let's face it so who I know I'm not he's not being able to smell um having having a the ability to smell and save lives with that smell is great but it's not intelligence it's just something they're born with it's a natural skill it's just something they're born with natural I mean it's amazing and they're taught

trained to use it but they're not like Einstein are they I mean it's like hey look what I can do I go running around with a cape on I have superpowers I can smell something from 10 miles away what are you gonna do with that then how you gonna how you gonna stop crime how you gonna stop crime how do you want a biscuit yeah yeah yeah can I have a biscuit biscuit yes okay now how you gonna stop crime you're gonna give me another biscuit yeah okay I'll talk to you then only way you

can get dogs to do anything I think bribery well I feel what a lot of parents use on little kids in it bribery if you behave yourself and you don't embarrass me in front of everyone else in the supermarket I'll give you a chocolate bar just anything just behave yourself I've seen that I can't remember I wonder if I was like that when I was little I don't think I was I mean all kids have tantrums don't they so I must have had tantrums I just don't remember them what I do remember though and I

wasn't little we moved into that house so I must be out at nine o'clock at least nine years old and that's not little is it nine is like little is like four three four five nine you're not far off being a teenager that's like you're a big boy at nine you know you're quite a I was little but it's not tiny is it being nine anyway I remember I used to get sent to my room and I would scream and I would shout and I'd probably have a tantrum so I remember once and it was

we yeah we hadn't been in the house long so I might have still been eight but I was about eight or nine probably about nine ish and I remember looking in the mirror so I'd been having a tantrum and I sat down and looked in front of the mirror and my face morphed into my mum's face I do remember that in the mirror and my biological mum that I hadn't seen since I was seven so I still remember what she looked like I don't now and really don't I think she used to wear glasses but

dark glasses like sunshades but not sunshades now I mean some people have in fact I've got sunshades that I wear or active light so when I'm in the sun the filter comes in because we're me and the opticians are trying to protect my eyes due to the uh we've got macro what is it called macro something whatever is hereditary in my family my nan's had it my aunt's got it and my dad's got it so my brothers might have it but I don't have contact with them so I don't know so um the doctor said

I had to pretend the optician said I had potentially the beginnings of it so we're trying to protect my eyes from too much sun but yeah I'm coughing a bit today so um I haven't been to the opticians for about three years I'm due to go back but I've just been avoiding it really because of the current social situation but I do need to get it done and I need to get it done coinciding with when I've got a bit of money so that I can pay for the lenses I get a free eye test

but when I get them I'm gonna want to get the best pair that I can get which is gonna cost me a bit of money but you know if you if you're wearing something all the time you need to might as well get the best you can get you know if you have to wear a hat you might as well you know if you have to wear a hat you might as well buy a hat that you're gonna feel comfortable wearing and other people are gonna look at you in that hat and think wow now

that's a hat now that's a hat I'd like to wear you know that's what I want my glasses I want people to look at me instead of just seeing someone with a visual disability actually like wow I wish I had problems with my eyes so I could wear those glasses that's what I want people to think you know so I'm gonna my next pair of glasses I'm thinking of maybe trying to get colored lenses that are always like that you know all the time just something to protect my eyes because I am going to be

going out in the sun more due to my deficiency in vitamin D I'm determined to get out more get more sunlight and hopefully that will help me get healthier and help me raise the vitamin D because I'm on like medication thingy me jig like these extra extra strong vitamin D tablets I'm on an eight week course of those and then I go back to the doctors have blood tests again and they're gonna hopefully say to me yep it's raised and that should be all back to normal I hope that's my plan that's the plan Sam

nice thinking maybe I think I might go for the multi lenses because I'll be honest I'm getting a little bit a little bit fed up having to keep changing my glasses for reading so I don't take my reading lenses with me I don't take my reading glasses out with me when I go out I'm always wearing the other glasses so they're always on my head it'd be nice to be able to I'm thinking of maybe because I've had um not by tri is it trifocal the three years ago I had three for three I had

one for distance one for reading one for computer screens so what I would do maybe do that again but I'm happy to wear a different pair of glasses for first computer screens because I only use them when I'm indoors I don't use a laptop or the iPad outside oh it's always indoors so you know I don't need to take the glasses out with me I don't need to have that lens in my normal glasses but the reading would be handy because there's times when you know if someone like my friend says oh can you read

because his eyesight's gone so I like can you read the side of that to tell me how long I need to cook it for you know in the microwave or whatever I have to take my glasses off to see it and when I'm eating I've got my normal glasses and I'm watching a telly I can't the food on the table is actually a bit foggy because I've got glasses on but take my glasses off the food on the table on the plate that is I don't eat off the table that would just be weird the

it's clear anything close to is clear and I haven't got my glasses on and I can read without my glasses but I get eye strain if I do too much of it so I can I don't need my glasses on to read something on the on the side of a bowl or you know how long to cook something for or just something basic but if I'm gonna read a book or a magazine that's different I do need my reading glasses for that because apart from being clearer you know it's clearer than just my normal eyesight

it's also it puts no strain on my eyes or at least a lot less I imagine any kind of using your eyes is it put a little bit of strain isn't it on your eyes I don't know I'm not sure so yeah so I think I'd maybe we'll go for that like the Dubai vocals so one one half for distance one half for reading and that might actually change change my life for the better if I did that because then then when I went out I could just take a book with me wouldn't have to

take glasses out and in a glass case and be changing my glasses over and stuff just wear one pair of glasses but at the same time I'm thinking I couldn't do without the active light because it turns into sunglasses when it's sunny that's really useful but then maybe you know maybe I should have that all the time or maybe have blue lenses what would be useful I remember reading ages ago that there's a specific lens that might be helpful for people with bipolar which is what I've been diagnosed with well I was diagnosed with blimey

11 years ago so it's been a while and maybe having like a colored lens if that if that was useful that helped with mood and stuff then yes worth a go nice pink lenses that'd be nice yellow I might even go and start getting some you know like Elton John style frames like flowers and stuff let someone come and tell me they don't like it let someone come aggressive no I feel be funny because they're not it annoy people a lot of people would find it amusing and funny and just you know cute or whatever

you know it's a bit silly but those people would get angry by it that would make me laugh because they clearly got issues of their own if they're getting angry by someone wearing you know some people don't like it see a man in a pink t-shirt should be wearing pink should be wearing blue he's not a girl neanderthal types well you know really don't care see I've worn pink I went through a phase back in 2004 and I've been ill I've been ill with anxiety for over a year 2004 was like a year off didn't

work full-time just work part-time ended up getting into debt and everything but it's what I needed to do I needed to do some work I needed to be out and have some social connections and contact but I couldn't I couldn't go back to I didn't want to I couldn't work in an office sitting at desk on a you know talking to people on the phone all day I needed to do something different which is what I did for a year well nearly a year it was January to the end of August but I was I

was walking around in pink t-shirts white trousers white tops that was probably too tight and yeah I carried that on I was dressing like that probably for about two or three years and that goes right against you know how I was brought up you do not wear a pink t-shirt honestly that that's how I was brought up you don't don't do that kind of stuff I do what I want so yeah this is I've loved it I love wearing pink it's one of my favorite colors actually I like pink orange I like pastel colors do

many my favorite color if you if you're gonna have a collection of favorite colors pastel colors is mine pastel so that's alright yes weird because back by 2006 I remember I had an interview with a newspaper and it's when I was doing the free pain relief service in the town I lived and I used to go to people's houses eventually I've gotten like a I rented a therapy room on a Saturday morning from 9 to 1 and I used to have people come and see me so I was working full-time as well and the I

remember that in the picture of that interview that I had with this elderly man that I used to visit in his home and he had severe arthritis and he'd been seeing me for probably I don't know five five six weeks and he'd improved tremendously he was able to sleep again and he was able to get around and you know it really sort of helped him so we did this interview with a newspaper because they wanted me to do an interview and actually have me do a hypnosis session with someone in front of them take pictures

and you know talk about it in the interview you know sort of tell the readers what I was doing and stuff like that so he he agreed to do it so we did that went to his house and the pictures awful of me I'm literally wearing all white white trousers and a white top that's way too tight for my body I'm bald I look awful like really really look awful ridiculously awful and yeah what I was thinking I don't know but I didn't care I was just walking around I did not care for some reason

but this is me I think I might had a boost in confidence from helping people you know first of all I was doing what I'd wanted to do for years and you know I was also doing the volunteering so I was doing group sessions in two charities I was also making the recordings online so things were going really well for me in the sense of how I wanted my life to be the things I wanted to do with my life making recordings making videos helping people in person and this is this is before I even

thought about going to university and getting a degree in counseling that came out of that in a way because I was I was volunteering in an alcohol charity helping people with alcohol issues and a drug rehab center so I was I was actually head hunted by them because they'd heard about me and what I was doing so I think sometimes there was people that went to both so they someone went into there and said oh there's this bloke and he's he does group hypnosis sessions relaxation sessions he's really you know and it's okay and they

probably said what was he like so he wears white trousers and the tops way too tight you can see his nipples it's really embarrassing I just that's how I imagine they spoke about me it's very busty so it's my much bustier now I'll tell you I'm at least a double D blimey oh that might be why my back aches it does you know so I'm playing with them now I'll move on didn't have to tell you that did I so yeah being around because both the charities had counselors working there and they were lovely all

of them I got really well with them and I got to know them a little bit and I started to want to be like them I thought I want this is what I want to do I want to do what I'm doing but also want to counsel people and what a great way to live my life really did you have to make that much noise just to move all he did was half stood up and sat down again and he made all that noise just doing that he just wants attention he's not gonna breathe in

oh oh man it's a stagnant one it's left my mouth dry that she feels like he's just fired in my mouth he hasn't he's the other side of the room oh yeah have a drink my Capri Sun with my cardboard little cardboard straw I went to McDonald's yesterday had a banana milkshake with a big cardboard straw yeah I mean I'm pretty sure in the future they'll get rid of the cups as well because they're made of cardboard and it's like we can't have cardboard anymore either because that's trees they'll get rid of everything you go

in this I want a milkshake and I'll just like come out of it in their hand and just pour it into your mouth that's really what happened so I that's what got me to become a counselor I actually went up to one of the managers and one of the charities it was actually the alcohol charity and I said to her can I have a word she said no go away I said come on please she said no not until you until you go and have a bath because you smell bad I said well come on

just a moment stop missing the bow and she's okay then and I said how do I become a counselor she said well how do I you got counselors working there they get paid how do I become a counselor so she talked me through it a different different ways of doing it you can become a counselor by training in a different counseling schools and paying you know to do it monthly and lovely motorbike in the background brilliant thank you and that's how most people become counselors they do like a weekend a month for maybe 10 11

months 12 months maybe and that'll be part of the course that might be the diploma or the certificate and they go on and on like that I went to university so I was more intense not intense just bigger well I'm gonna go now I'm gonna go I'm gonna go thank you for listening remember remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy and I'm just thinking you know I don't just say that just for the sake of it but I can't if that's what I do I do say it but it's not

just for the sake it's so I guess some people might feel what you mean you just be kind to yourself what does that even mean let me tell you where that comes from for me yeah it's not an original it's not an original sentence and it's not an original thought of mine there's something back in 2000 when I first got ill with anxiety like really so really so bad but I used to meet up with a friend and he used to listen to me going on and on and on and I feel a little bit

guilty for that because I don't know it couldn't be much fun for him really but he listened to me and he was such so caring and understanding and he always used to say to me be kind to yourself and he meant it and I you know I kind of understood that's what I kind of got to understand what that meant as I guess it's gonna mean different things to different people you can go as deep with it as you want and you can go into the point of what do we say to ourselves the thoughts

we have what are we saying to us are you being kind to yourself when you talk to yourself do you know I mean are you are you are you saying nice things to yourself or you putting yourself down are you saying horrible things to yourself well if that's the case stop it you know start actively being kind to yourself so maybe starting to say nice things or the very least when you start noticing start noticing the things you say to yourself I mean you might even say out loud I've known people that have I'm useless

at that I'm crap at that I'm no stop that regardless of if you believe it's true or not just stop it stop you know stop being horrible to yourself just to yourself to yourself be nice be kind be gentle and it's not always easy and it's not like a one-off I'll be kind to yourself now this is like something you need to be doing every day every day finding different ways to be kind to yourself to be gentle with yourself I mean I still go back to something I said not blimey decade over a decade

ago is would you say that to a small child so there's something you're saying to yourself would you say that to a small child would you go up if you've got someone that you cherish someone that I don't care about anyone but if I if you do if you do have someone a small child a grandchild a niece nephew whatever and they're like maybe four years old three four five would you speak to them the way you just spoke to yourself now because I don't have anyone that I care about I think about it is

like would I say that to a small child well let's go up to a small five-year-old child in the street or sitting in a cafe with their parents would I go up to and start saying that to them while I'm thinking to myself what I'm saying to myself now of course I wouldn't for various reasons but it's not about no because that's gonna I'm gonna end up getting into a big fight with the parents well no it's not that's not even an issue because I would never do it because I would never be horrible to

a small child you see where I'm coming from with this so even if you don't have someone if you don't have your own children or grandchildren which I don't have any of that or you know so I used to have my little boy Andre but he's gone now so but even him I used to speak to him nicely I used to say to him every day I love you that might seem sad or pathetic to some people but you know he was a ferret by the way in case those might be thinking what's what's what's

pathetic about telling a child and I've noticed is it wasn't human but I told him every day that I loved him and I tell him every day during the day I cuddle him and tell him I love him and I did that pretty much every day for six and a half years or whatever it was because mate I don't know I just did this is what I did because I wanted to be gentle and kind with to him and so that's that kind of thing maybe I'm not saying walk around keep telling yourself how much

you love yourself but I'm not saying not doing that either I mean having a bit of love and especially if you again like myself I don't have any family as such I don't have really much in my friends I'm not in a relationship with someone that's gonna tell me that they love me or anything like that so I'm not saying that oh poor me I'm not I'm just saying that has to come from me I'm the one that has to needs to instigate the kindness towards myself because I'm unlikely to get it from outside and

I know that there's millions of people in the same situation as myself they're not in a relationship they haven't got anyone that they care about or care about them there's lots of people out there I'm not unique so this be kind to yourself be gentle with yourself is serious stuff it's important it's important regardless of your situation where it is regardless of your nationality where you live what family you have regardless of what you've done in the past as well the past is gone when I think we all need to be able to let go

of the past I know it's not easy I know that but we all need to strive I think that's my personal opinion I think we all need to strive to let go of the past and to forgive ourselves and to forgive other people now whether it's possible I don't know but if I think if you go down that road if you go down that road of thinking of forgiveness then we may not be able to forgive everything but we will start forgiving things that maybe aren't as important to us as they once were so you

end up in a better position you better end up in a better mental headspace even if maybe you can't you know forgive everything that's happened but in order to forgive it needs to be it's something to need it's not necessarily a subject that needs to be studied but I think it's something that if you if someone's struggling to start well I can't forgive that obviously how pathetic you ridiculous think telling me I should forgive that person for what they did if you look into the subject of forgiveness it opens up ways of thinking about it

which you may not have thought about before because ultimately you don't forgive them for them you forgive them for you and a lot of people who perhaps we haven't forgiven and we're holding that in we're thinking of them and we're thinking of what they did they're not thinking of us they're walking around they're just doing their life and they're forgotten about us we're not prominent in their mind so they don't deserve to be prominent in our mind I have talked about this in a bit more depth on my relax and sleep no relaxation hypnosis of

stress anxiety and panic attacks that podcast it's a weird one because I know I've got a friend that said to me once don't tell anyone about your mental illness or mental health issues the past and stuff like that don't tell anyone because they won't take you seriously though they might not you know because I'm in some ways use kind of therapy in my recordings I guess more than some ways but you know it's it's a weird one because it's their pod not in this podcast but in the other podcasts they are kind of therapeutic in

some ways that's I'm not sure but my my thinking was just be honest honesty is to me it's like why not just be honest I've got I have I think that might also be to be the person is a bit older and his generation would never talk about it wouldn't talk about things like this so I think it's a generational thing now it seems to be a bit more acceptable to talk about mental health issues than it used to be but I've been talking about it 16 years online I've been talking I've never held back

I've never never hidden the depression or stress or anxiety or you know I mean I've been diagnosed blimey I've been diagnosed with everything apart from being a human being since you know I thought so first the first diagnosis I ever got was stress then depression then like depressive disorder and then anxiety then anxiety other different anxiety things and eventually through a psychiatrist or two psychiatrists diagnosed with bipolar and bipolar affective disorder and the other one was EUD emotionally unstable personality disorder with something with I don't know what it's called when you might just do something

out of the blue just you know there's something like that but EUD is EUDP unstable emotionally unstable personality disorder so yeah so I was diagnosed with both those things back in 2013 I think I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2011 as well so I kind of got double diagnosed because when I was diagnosed I ignored it so I had the diagnosis of bipolar December 2011 and I acknowledged it at the time and then the medication that gave me caused sleep sleepiness and I had a job and I didn't want to quit the job so I

just ignored it and carried on regardless and then in 2013 I was yeah I got ill so I kind of went back to the psychiatrist again and saw I saw about five psychiatrists and eventually they came up with what I got what you got and even I'd already been diagnosed but then they sort of all personality disorder personally I think I'm just perfect there's just I'm just there's there's nothing wrong with me I am wonderful well they say it's everyone else I'm fine it's everyone else but the idea of holding it in and not telling

anyone because there's nothing embarrassing and I'm not ashamed or embarrassed although the idea there's no more there's no longer stigma is totally untrue there's a huge stigma still massive stigma towards mental illness and it may not be as big as it was in face it's it's not as big as it was it can't be but it's still big still there so it's it's one the last last kind of really big stigmas there is really so I think it's it's the unknown it's scary for other people if they see someone doing something that's so outlandish and

you know it can be quite scary I guess but I've got family members that are ill and I've got family members that got a huge anxiety disorders depression schizophrenia a personality disorder suicide all kinds of stuff so our family members my mom was well I don't know what her disorder was but I seem to have inherited it from her inherited and is is I wasn't the only one put it this way there's nothing to be ashamed of having mental health problems and I still don't I still cuz okay to see on the newspaper I think

what it is is it's classed as in some groups is those those liberals those liberals and to class being meant mental health issues as being okay is in the same category is saying that we like sexuality and someone a man who's dressed as a woman's it's okay for him to go into the women's toilets and those kind of arguments I'm not saying it was okay or not I'm just saying that that kind of sphere of not calling someone he or she or all those kinds of things the the woke kind of group I think when

it comes to that the accepting mental health issues and accepting that they're that we're all human beings and we're all possibly can have suffer with mental health mental illness at some point in their life that seems to be kind of a little bit mixed up with the woke stuff the liberals I've heard people say those liberals and you know they'd call someone who had mental health issues a mental midget and stuff like that and well or a mentalist that was quite yeah that was quite popular about 10 years ago calling people mentalists if they were

ill you know so it's got a long way to go it really has and I think the weird thing about it is I know the famous people come out and tell their fans about their if they've got an illness and stuff and on one level that's really just got really helpful but on another level on a personal level how can any of us really relate to you know someone that's super famous and super rich living that lifestyle we can't really relate to them at all so they might come out and say I've got this going

on and this but we still can't relate to them because it's such a different well that's my from my perspective so Tyson Fury came out and talked about his mental illness but I can't relate to him because he's what to me he's a superstar being a boxing fan Tyson Fury is a superstar so in the world of boxing he is there's no there's no two ways about that in the heavyweight division he's he is the king of the heavyweight division at the moment so it's it's kind of like Johnny Depp Johnny Depp's got mental health

issues but it's hard to relate to it because he's obviously so famous and so yummy-looking he's so beautiful isn't he Johnny Depp it's so wrong honestly I don't feel I've ever I've never dated a woman that looked nicer than him he's prettier than every every woman I've ever dated it's terrible isn't it blimey I'm not even not attracted to I'm just saying Johnny if you're listening call me baby so I'm gonna go I was gonna go now I'm really gonna go because my plan is I want to go to do some meditation which means leaving

in about 10 minutes time so take care and I'll upload this later on tonight probably so thank you for listening remember to be kind to yourself I can't believe I spent about an hour explaining that just now I don't know sometimes I'd like to I just want I don't want you to think that I'm just saying it for the sake of it I'm really not so take care and I'll speak to you tomorrow thank you for listening bye