#778 Let me bore you to sleep - I NEARLY BECAME A CARPET CLEANER - Jason Newland (19th DECEMBER 2021)

Hello, is it me you're looking for? Hello and welcome to Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. My name's Jason Newland and my website is www.jasonnewland.com. Hello.

Ah, dear. Wow. What a few weeks it's been.

So, I can't believe it's 19th of December. It's six days away from Christmas or something. Is Christmas on Saturday? Yeah, something, I think so.

Anyway, I've had the last recording I did was a couple of days ago. I've been trying, trying to find a way to do the long recordings, you know, the 10 hour ones. And it ain't happening.

I spent two days trying to do this, trying to, I made recordings, like counting down, body scan, body relaxation, different body parts, and then put them together to make 10 hours. I actually had to make five hours and then doubled it, you know, whatever you call it. But so to make, anyway, I did it to make 10 hours.

And then I added the background music. And it just didn't work. The sound was distorted.

It's almost as if the it was too much for the too much for the recording, especially um, even when the actual recording itself was over a gigabyte, even its top level of sound, it still sounded distorted.Me, not the music, but the me talking. It was like, I don't know how to explain it, but it sounded wrong.

Didn't sound any good. So I've abandoned that at this moment in time. Because the more time I spend on that, I'm moving further away from what I should be doing, which is really making new recordings, not just to let me bore you to sleep ones, but also the daily, the daily relax and sleep hypnosis, there's deep sleep whisper ones, the pain relief ones, the boring stories or boring objects, whatever it is, and the bedtime story time, you know, I've got all those podcasts that I've been almost not ignoring, but not being able to really focus on because I've been trying to rescue my podcast or podcasts.

I guess making two versions of the recording, one without music, one with music is helpful. It's gone a little way towards getting back to where I was before. But yeah, that's all I got to say.

I mean, there are a few ways I could do this. But I just won't be able to provide it in the same way as I'm doing it now. But I think the main thing is to produce, get back to producing new recordings and to be a bit more regular, especially, well, yeah, with all of them, really, but especially with this one.

Because this is pretty much the only podcast that anyone ever sends messages about. This is pretty much the only one that people say, oh, when are you doing another one? And I miss to let me bore you to sleep. And you know, even though this isn't, by far, this is not my most popular podcast.

Out of all the different ones I do. But mind you, I've not really added them all up because I share this on the other podcasts. So possibly, if I added up, I'm not going to say the word because I know what stats statistics, you're not going to say that word.

No, we could use the word analytics. So, you know, on the podcast, for example, for the last 30 days, I had 23 and a half thousand downloads on this podcast. Deep Sleep Whisper, I've had 71,000.

Relax and sleep hypnosis daily 26,000. So that's about the same, isn't it? In the last 30 days. Bedtime Storytime, I've had about 100, 356.

But it does get quite a few views on the other podcast views, views, listens, whatever. And the main podcast Relaxation, Hypnosis with Stress and Anxiety, 249,390 downloads in the last 30 days. So, you know, it's, I probably get more down, I probably get more listens on there for the Let Me Boy to Sleep than I do on the actual podcast itself.

And then I've got the Hypnosis to Sleep in Deeply podcast, 271,000. Blimey, that's higher. That's high, it's overtaken it for the first time.

271,666. I knew it was creeping up, but I didn't realise it had actually taken over. Wow.

So on this one, I've had 1,625,000 altogether. What is the one on this one? 1,833,000 for the Relax for Stress and Anxiety. Wow, man.

They're like in a little race on their own, I didn't realise. And then you've got Sleep Insomnia Hypnosis, 133,809 downloads for 30 days. And that total is 1,093,000.

So that again, that's kind of trailing a bit. But everything's gone down, man, it's gone down. Seriously.

I mean, yesterday was by far... See, I tell you about the successes, but I tell you about the failures as well. So it's not like I'm always bragging or anything, because really, at the moment, I've got zero to brag about. You know, it was great when, I mean, literally, seven days ago.

So this time last week, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. So yeah, last Sunday, I had 50,638 downloads. I mean, that's the highest I've ever had ever.

Yesterday, I had 11,715. You know, it's all gone to poop, you could say. But then I didn't make any recordings for the last two days.

So that probably has, well, I would have had an effect, but 11,000. Yeah, ain't worth getting out of bed for that. I'm such a diva.

I'm a podcast diva. I am. So yeah, um, I have to readjust my thinking and get back and remember why I'm doing this stuff.

It's not all about the stats. I just get a little bit excited, you know, first bit of success really, in a way, after years and years and years, many years, 16, 17 years of doing this. It's not the first bit of success, but it's the first bit of, it's the biggest jump in success.

Comparing this time last year, I wasn't hitting 10,000 today. So it's, you know, it's definitely, I've had a lot of, yeah, it's been good. Kind of.

But there's all these hurdles, man. I know it's life and that's what life's like, but it's annoying. I don't want the hurdles.

I want everything to go perfectly. Why can't things go perfectly? Like they always used to. Oh no, they never have.

That's why things don't go perfectly. At times, I guess they do, but there's no reason to expect things to go swimmingly all the time. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, I might actually do that one day. I might check to see how many people listen to the Let Me Boy To Sleep podcast a month, like last month by adding up the stats from all the other podcasts. Because I know that a lot of people listen to this, probably more people listen to this podcast on other podcasts than they do on the actual podcast itself.

I know that because I've got the stats, I can see that. But that's, I don't mind. Why would I mind? I'm just happy that anyone listens.

I mean, the stats is, well, apart from the last couple of days, the stats have been good for the Let Me Boy To Sleep. Pretty much. Even though I didn't really make any new ones for a while, when I make new ones, the stats are good.

The last new one I did, I had 1,132 downloads for that day. But then yesterday I had, it's embarrassing, 197 downloads yesterday. But then today, and it's only 10 o'clock in the morning, I've already had 171.

So I've nearly got as many now, today, as what I had yesterday, for 24 hours. And it's only, you know, we're not even halfway through the day. Because the day starts about one o'clock in the morning, statistically wise.

Oh, we're still talking about stats. Anyway, so that's kind of where I am with this. That's where things have been.

And I'm going to take a break from it, from worrying about it rather. Make some recordings, do what I want to do. I want to do what I'm here to do is to make recordings and hopefully help people.

And to hell with the stats. You know, I do want to, because the way I see it, I know it's like getting all heavy. And I've never really been, I never really, really felt like I've been successful at anything I've done.

You know, I did, when I was a kid, you know, I did martial arts, I wanted to be the best martial artist in the world, you know, I wanted to be Bruce Lee, but alive version one, you know, I'd be still be alive. And I was pretty good, actually, I was pretty good. But you know, I didn't stick to it, I didn't stick with it.

I've done quite a few different martial arts over the years, but I never stick, never stuck with it. I did Wing Chun for about a year, did Taekwondo for about two plus years. But I just stopped that because of my back, my lower back was just too painful.

So that was the only legitimate excuse I really had to stop doing any of the other stuff. So, so I didn't, I didn't become what I wanted to in the martial arts world. I wanted to be really good, I wanted to be the best.

And I don't think I became the best that I could be. So it wasn't about, you know, even forget being the best, I just wasn't the best that I could have been, I could have been better, if I'd have been more dedicated. You know, once I left school, because I mean, yeah, it's good to blame other people if you can, obviously.

And I think circumstances had a big impact. Because I was 15. I started doing karate when I was 14.

And it was my life. It was literally all I thought about 24 hours a day. Karate.

That was my thing. That's the one thing I wanted to do. I loved it.

I absolutely loved it. I trained every day. And then I left school.

And just as I was leaving school, or just after I left school, at 15, I was still 15, my parents split up. So I didn't. And then I think just before that, I got a job in a chip shop, which meant I was working evenings.

So I couldn't do the karate anymore. Or I suppose, no, actually, no, I couldn't. I just couldn't do it anymore, because I was always working.

And that was my choice. I didn't realize at the time, but I didn't have to do that. Now, as an adult, I could be more forceful.

If I got a new job, say, look, well, I'll work certain evenings, but I'm not working Tuesday or Thursday evening ever, because that's when I train. And I'll have to have weekends off occasionally. I can, you know, plan ahead, but I've got tournaments and gradings.

So there's the occasional weekend I'll have to have off. You know, you'd be more forceful when you're older and say, well, here are the conditions. Hopefully, I know it's not always that easy.

I made it sound easier. But sometimes it seems that the lower paid work are the ones we always seem to have less control over what I did. It's almost like they can, I think it's the less you pay someone, the more you can manipulate them.

And because they get paid so little, they're more scared to lose the job, because they're literally working week from week to week. And that's where I was. And because I'd never worked full time before, I just, you know, especially when you when you go straight from school to work.

And I'm actually the same for everybody that spent, how many years are we at school for? I mean, I left at 15, but I was still there from the age of, I don't know, six, five, six, whatever. So a good 10 years at school, being told what to do every day for 10 years. And I had strict, strict parents.

So I was being told what to do at home as well. So I was used to basically doing what I was told. So when I started working in a chip shop, when they said, Oh, we need you to work Tuesday for okay.

I never questioned it, because I was used to just doing what I was told. I managed to change that over time. I say do I was to a degree, to a certain degree.

But anyway, martial arts that went, although I did manage to get back into it quite a few times. And whilst I did boxing as well for about a year and a half, I can't think what else I might have done. And then a bit of jiu jitsu, but that hurt.

Kept trying to grab my thumb and break it. I didn't like it. Stop it.

What are you chucking me around for? Stop it, leave me alone. So I didn't, didn't succeed there. I think the next thing I wanted to succeed at was business.

I wanted to be a sales person like a wheeler dealer. Dell boy. Just kind of, I guess, really, you know, buying and selling things.

And I did do that in the last year of me working in a chip shop. I started selling things. I started buying stuff and selling.

And it gave me a little bit of an income. At one point, I went up to Hatton Garden. And in London, and I bought a bunch of jewelry to sell.

And I remember I was trying to sell it on the train on the way back. I can't even imagine doing something like that now. But I was walking up to people.

It's like, you know, saying, you want to buy this earrings? And I didn't sell anything, I don't think. But it's still like, what? So I didn't, I, I wasn't, I guess I didn't continue it. I had some successes.

Overall, probably not, not really, you know, I tried lots of different things, lots of different things to sell, you know, jewelry. I did that a few different times. And perfume got all these samples set through to me in these cases.

And I try and I did sell some perfume, actually. But you know, still didn't really make any money. And then what else did I try and do? So I was really passionate about that.

I really wanted to have my own business. Oh, yeah, I tried to, I set up a business as a babysitter. And then when people found out and found out I was a boy, or a male, they'd say no, thanks.

Now, I'd babysat my little brother. And when I was in the chip shop, all the staff were asking me to babysit their kids. You know, there was just, I say all of them, two, maybe three.

But you know, I had four nights I'd babysit kids because other people's homes were always better than mine. So once the kids were in bed, I could watch their telly. So they might be out.

My voice is a bit croaky, isn't it? Have a drink. Capri Sun. I used to yeah, so they'd have a telly, nice telly, nice living room.

Nice sofa to sit on. And it was cool. I liked that.

The only thing is sometimes I'd come home so late. And I'd have to be up early in the morning. It just didn't wasn't, you know, suitable for me.

But other times it was good. Like I had someone that worked with me. He was just part time.

And he was a teacher, I think. Full time teacher at a girls school, an all girls school. And so he had a kid and he had a wife, a little child, had a wife.

And sometimes I'd babysit so they could go out. Yeah, so you take her out to I don't know where but they went out and I'd look after the kid. But the kid was already in bed when I got there.

So I didn't have to do anything, just sat there. And we did a deal where he, he videotaped the Hagler Leonard fight for me, and then I watched it. So he taped it the night before, because I was working early in the morning, I couldn't stay up at night, couldn't stay up to, you know, three o'clock, four o'clock in the morning.

So he taped it. And I had to make sure that nobody told me the results throughout the day. And this is quite big news, the Hagler Leonard fight, although, you know, most people I knew weren't really interested in boxing.

It was still, it was a super fight. You know, had it been an English super fight, then I would have found out the results, you know, someone would have said something. But luckily, no one mentioned it during the day that I was working.

And then I went home, you know, well, then I went back, I went to his house, looked after his kid, although I didn't even saw the kid. I still remember how he looked actually. And they're weird.

I think it's because he looked like his dad, like a little miniature dad of him. I can't remember what his name was. Either of them actually.

And then yeah, I watched the fight and it was good. So that was nice. Yeah, so I started out.

How did I get to that? Yeah, I started I put adverts. I think I might have even put an advert in the paper, just fairly cheap back then. But also put cards in the shop windows, you know, news agents and stuff.

Nobody wanted a boy babysitting their kid. Now, I wasn't doing it just, you know, in a sense of all I want to look after kids. It was just because I'd spent so much time looking after kids when I was younger.

And people was asking me to do it. I didn't think there'd be a problem with a boy doing it. But I guess it's, it's much, it's more different if it's a stranger.

Because I used to look after another lady that worked there. I looked after her, I think she had two kids. And she was quite young.

So she wanted to go out and party and stuff. Parto. So I'd look after her kids.

Babysit. And I think, if I remember rightly, pretty sure, pretty, pretty sure that he because she was dating this builder, as his builders started working opposite us on the roof, they were doing something roofing, I guess. And they'd come in every day to have their chips and their sausages and whatever else they were eating.

So they were they were chatting up the two to two girls that worked there. And so they ended up both of them ended up dating these men. So, yeah, that's good.

I was quite, I quite liked him. One of them, he had a flat top hairstyle. And I wanted to get my hair like his.

Because I quite, my voice is croaky today, isn't it? I quite admired him. I guess because he was, yeah, he was to me, he seemed like really successful. He's very confident.

And, you know, he's, I imagine he was self employed, had this well paid occupation. And he was just really friendly, you know, he wasn't, weren't a thug, weren't, didn't try and talk down to me, wasn't, you know, I was, I was what 16 at the time. But he didn't, you know, he was friendly to me.

So quite like that. And so that's the babysitting story. And I kind of never really never sort of, I'm sure I did a dog walking business, but that didn't work And what other things should I do? Business wise, let me think.

I looked into private number plates, because that was big business back then. I guess it still is in some places, you know, but I didn't bother going down that road in the end. What other things did I consider doing? I tell you something, I'm not sure if I probably never mentioned this before.

When I was working in a chip shop, my boss got the carpets cleaned. And I think was the first time I met him. So he might have been coming for ages, but it's the first time I've met this man.

And we hit it off. Because basically, he was there. And my boss asked me to, because I think I must have been now probably when I was living upstairs in the flat.

He asked me if I would give the carpet cleaner a hand to move the tables because the restaurant was full of tables. So to move the tables from one end to the other, while he, you know, to give him a hand to do that. And it was my, I think it was like, after hours, because when we were closed.

So it had been blimey, pretty late, you know, late at night, 10 o'clock or something. So I said, Yeah, okay. And we hit it off.

I really liked him. He's really, really nice man. He was a lot older than me.

But most people were back then. So I was 16. And even people 25 are a lot older, they're adults.

I was still a kid, really. Not really, I was still a kid. I was a child.

And he, he kind of took me under his wing a little bit. I helped him out a couple of times with other jobs. So if you, you know, chuck me a little bit of money, and I go along, and he picked me up in his van, and we go to another place.

And I'd help him just do what I did, you know, moving stuff around. And he taught me how to use the machine. And, you know, I really just like spending time with him.

But he was, he was an entrepreneur. So it wasn't the only thing he did. And he was doing really well.

Now had the circumstances been different, I, my whole life would have gone a different direction, I think. But something happened. And he, I was visiting him.

So I was friends with him. I really do forget how much I liked him. And I think he said, Come around, I've got something to tell you.

I said, What's that? So I go around his house. He lived around the corner from my nan, literally just round the corner, which was unusual, you know? Well, not I suppose it would. Other people, I suppose everyone has someone live around the corner from them, don't they? It's not that unusual.

There's lots of around the corners, isn't there? And I remember he was standing in the garden. And he said to me, I'm moving away. I said, What? He said, Yeah, I'm moving.

It had a family emergency. Because he wasn't from the area that I was that we were living. He wasn't from there.

I think he'd moved there to perhaps be with his wife, you know, maybe she was from there. And he, he moved there for that. But I think it was for up north somewhere.

And he had to go back. Because he told, I can't remember what it was, but it was serious. And it was probably a case of him moving back to look after an elderly relative or something like that.

So he left. I remember saying to him, Please don't go. When are you coming back? He said, I won't be coming back.

Literally, it was that serious that it's like, they were putting a house on the market to sell their house. Because, you know, it's like a permanent situation. I said, Is it me you're leaving to get away from me? He said, Well, it's part of the reason.

It's not the only reason. Oh, and I wanted to be like him. I did not met many people that I wanted to be like.

But I liked his attitude. It was nice. It was genuine.

But at the same time, we're not bothered. But he's also a go getter, creative, enthusiastic, and entrepreneur, you know, that kind of person. It was really nice.

It's very nice to me. But he left. And that was it.

And I was still in the chip shop. And yeah, it was hard. Because I liked, I kind of was I hoped to maybe do more with him and maybe become my own boss, you know, maybe do take over his carpet cleaning business or something like that.

And I think he might have even offered me. But it would have cost money, you know, he needed, you know, to buy the equipment and stuff. And I had zero.

But I might be making that bit up. No, I think he'd sold Yeah, I think he sold his equipment. Or he took it with him.

He did something with it. Obviously did something. Yeah, I'm just adding, adding made up parts to the story now.

You're making stuff up that might have happened when anything could have happened. So that was weird. But yeah, someone that ended my life, and perhaps I wish it stayed in my life, because he was one of the first positive male model, male models, male models, male role models that had had, you know, wasn't wasn't a big fan, big, big fan of men, I'll be honest, as a kid, and he was one of the first men that was just almost like looking out for me.

Like an uncle, that kind of Yeah. So not a weird uncle, but you know, start, you know, it's like someone that seemed to care for some reason. But yeah, so that that was that other things that I really loved at that time.

Now, I've noticed in my life, and this is a recurring thing is when I go through periods when I don't do anything. And I might still be working all the time, you know, you know, when I was working the call center or different jobs I've had, if I haven't. If there isn't something in my life that is important to me, something that I'm motivated to do something that I'm what's the right word for that? There's a word for isn't it? But something that's bigger than me something that's more important, it's important to me, then I just I'm unhappy, very deeply unhappy.

If I don't have that thing. And it's been a few times when I've lost my way a bit. Well, a few times been hundreds of thousands and thousands of times I've lost my way, always find my way back quite quickly, in many, many cases.

But sometimes, when it's nothing for me to be motivated about, or for, it's very stagnant. It's very kind of pointless of, you know, my life feels pointless in those situations. And there's usually all the things that I've been passionate about in my life, there's usually a gap between them.

A period of time when nothing is nothing. And this happened pretty much from about 19, from 1988, or 87 to 89, about 87 to 89. And, you know, I go to work, I do as much overtime as possible.

When I worked in the factory, I didn't have anything, I had nothing, nothing to do, no one to do it with. I was bored. So I just worked.

I wasn't getting paid huge amounts of money, it was a factory job, but it was, it was okay, for the times. I had nothing to spend my money on, other than rent. I didn't really bother with buying new clothes, just general stuff, bought what I needed.

I lived in a little room, and so the rent was low, probably £25 a week, or £30 a week or something. So maybe I was spending £120 a month on rent, and I had maybe £600 a month coming in for, from my job. So there's, you know, a fair bit amount of money at that time, that I had spare, and I would just waste it.

I'd buy stuff that I didn't need, I'd waste it. I never had, just never had any money, but I'd waste it whenever I got it. And just buy junk, buy it just for the sake of it, I just had to buy something.

But I could have lived in a flat, I could have lived in a nice flat, like most people did back then. You know, if you work, most people I worked with, had a decent, they lived in flats, they didn't just live in a room, because it wasn't, it wasn't a really low paid job, it was an okay paid job for that time, for that, you know, back in 1988, taking home £600, sometimes maybe £700 a month, that was a good, good wage for what I was doing. But I could never see beyond now, back then, I could never, never really see a future.

There was just this, because at that point, I had nothing to look forward to, I had nothing that I was passionate about. And to even look forward to, I don't mean as in going on holiday, or, but looking forward to getting home from work, to do what I wanted to do. And now I've had that, I've been lucky enough to have that feeling for 17 years, where no matter what I'm doing, I can always have something to look forward to, to get home to, or to check the stats, I know I go on about the stats, maybe too much, tough, but I just, it's nice to have that ongoing interest, where it gives my life meaning, it gives my life meaning.

It might be meaningless to a lot of people, but to me, it's, it gives me meaning. And what the heck is that on the side of there? I just noticed something really weird on the side of the microphone stand. It's white and long.

I don't know what the heck it is. Very strange. That's bugging me now, I want to go over and have a look, but it's the other side of the room.

Which means with my eyesight, it might actually not, it might not be either white nor long. It might, it might be blue and square. So during those periods, I just would go to work.

I do the overtime because I didn't want to go home really. There's nothing to do. There was, I wasn't old enough.

Actually, I was 18. So I was old enough to drink. But I didn't go out drinking.

I didn't drink at home. I just didn't drink at all back then. I didn't have a girlfriend.

But then I didn't go out. You can't meet people if you don't leave your house. Unless I suppose now with the internet and apps and dating apps, which are 85% dodgy.

So it wasn't till 1989. The summer, the beginning of the very beginning of the summer, you know, we're talking maybe May time, April, May. And I'll be thinking, I've been thinking about this.

I've been thinking about it for weeks and weeks and weeks. I'm going to get myself a pad. I'm going to start writing.

I'm going to get myself a pad and I'm going to start writing. But I didn't. And I didn't.

And then one day I did. I got myself a 200 page refill pad. And I got myself a pen.

I've actually got a pen here somewhere. It's not here. But it's exactly the same pen is what I've got around here.

And it's one of those felt tip. Not felt tip pen bits. I forget what I forget what they're called.

But anyway, I got one of them. And I don't know if it's black or blue. Can't remember.

They're red outside. They'd like red covers, plastic. And I started writing.

And it was just like a journal or diary just to sort of say, Hi, this is me. And this is what I'm thinking. And that was it.

And everything kind of come from there. And I think that was the first as an adult. That was the first creative thing that I'd done.

And that led to me wanting to do comedy, which was the the next thing that I was passionate about. But luckily, there was a one period when I, I wasn't bothered about not having a passion. And this is when I was doing this is the summer, the late summer.

I say late summer, probably July, August, June, June, July, August. I was working as a canvasser for double glazing, just knocking on people's doors asking if they'll have an appointment. Do you have windows? Would you like some glass in them? Would you like me to change the glass in your windows? And so yeah, that's what I did.

I worked about three hours a day, five days a week, maybe a Saturday morning. And I was earning more than I'd ever earned before. Seriously, I was I never earned so much a week.

It was amazing. Just like, wow, found out, you know, well, didn't find I knew that we were working for three different companies. And we were supposed to work in a lot more hours for each company.

So that's how he managed to my boss managed to pay us so much. But we were good. And it was the first thing.

Yeah, probably the first thing that I was good at. That was successful at the first thing. And you could say I was successful at frying fish.

I was quite good at that. I think I was. Yeah, I'd say I was a good fish fryer.

But then I think anybody would be I think it's one of those things that it's not the old frying fish is really easy. It's not not that it's just if you do something every day, five, six days a week for two years, you should be good at it, shouldn't you? You should be at least competent. I was let's say I was competent.

Maybe I wasn't good at it. I mean, I'm not sure. But as far as I'm aware, I was fairly OK.

And it's if you're not people tell you, you know, some, you know, some people would come in and said, and they would only be served by me. They literally said, no, Jason, he knows how I like my swordfish or my shark or whatever it is we're doing for him. And, you know, I suppose I was adequate.

I didn't feel as if I was any good. But with the with the double glazing, I felt like, oh, yeah, I was quite OK there. One lady thought we were a window cleaning company, found that out when the salesman went round her house to give her a quotation for windows, new windows.

She said to him, where's your bucket? He's got his big suit on and driving up an expensive car briefcase. Where's your bucket? Where's your bloody sponge? The six over there, darling. So during that period when I was doing the double glazing, knocking on people's doors, canvassing, I was having fun.

For the first time, probably in my life, that I was actually enjoying myself for the first time. Like every day was a good day, just for a few for a couple of months. Who knows? Maybe I was on some kind of episode or something.

It was why I was so happy. But I was free. There's a lot of freedom there.

I was I was living in a room again, just in a room at the top of a house. Didn't even have a television. Didn't bother buying a television.

Could have bought one, didn't bother. Had a record player with a few albums I'd listen to. Luther Vandross, not sure who else.

And, but I'd be out. I'd be out every night, drinking, eating out. I used to go to a cafe every dinner, lunchtime, and have a cooked meal, a proper cooked meal.

And it was just, I didn't buy any food. I'd have breakfast. That was it.

The rest of the time I'd eat out. I never cooked. Never ate in.

And I just, it was great. It was summer. And I probably slept a lot as well.

You know, I'd go to bed and I'd be in bed. So I didn't have to start work till about four o'clock in the afternoon. Four till about seven as we worked.

So, you know, I could get up at maybe midday, two o'clock in the afternoon sometimes if I didn't want to get up early. And it was fun. And I didn't have any passions.

I didn't have anything that I was excited about or interested in, but it kind of didn't matter because I was just on a jolly. I was just having fun, hanging around with some mates, drinking in the afternoon and going to work, which was probably shouldn't be doing, but hey. Just, it was fun.

And then it came to an end in September because the man wanted to, the man, the main person who paid us, he decided to do radio advertising instead, which didn't last long because he went back with my boss again. But by that time I'd left to move to London. But I did come back the following April and canvassed again for a few months.

So that was, that was all right. It was weird though, because talking about passions, you know, I didn't have any passions. I moved to London and I was working in this really, really low paid job.

It was quite hard work physically. And I remember just nothing. It was just the only, the only time I got passionate was, I got some new glasses at the beginning of the year, 1990.

Yeah, 1990. I'm trying to think what year it was, 1990. And I bought a few books and I was reading them and I was loving reading.

I hadn't read anything for ages, you know, and reading was always a big passion of mine, a big love of mine. Books, books, books, books, books, loved books. Still do actually.

But I haven't indulged in my love of books for a long time, not really. But my book collection was my pride and joy. It really was.

Back in those days, going back to, before, before I started university, I lived in the Buddhist community and I had my room, it was quite a big room. I had, I think, five bookcases full of books. And I was like, wow, look at all those books.

Sometimes I just look at them and dribble. It was so exciting. Anyway, when I moved away from London, so I got offered that job back in canvassing and I phoned my dad up and he said I could stay with him for a little while, which I did.

So I basically moved back. I moved out of London. It was such a relief.

Because I remember I just, I'd work every day. I'd work Saturday mornings, quite often, because that's a bit of overtime. And then, but then not always, sometimes I just have the whole weekend off.

And I just sit there in my room, not really been able to do much. I didn't have any money, really. I had a few pounds, but I didn't have enough money to really do anything, to go anywhere.

And I remember I'd be sitting there and I'd have a cheese sandwich and some orange juice for my, for my lunch. And I'd probably cook something for me, even meal, I'd have, I don't know, potatoes and something. And can you hear that someone's coming in the gate? Go away, go away, leave my gate alone.

It's my gate. I would sit there and the time would be going by. And I get to like four o'clock in the afternoon.

And I think, I think partly I just wanted to get out. I wanted to go somewhere. And I thought, I want to go to the supermarket or not supermarket WH Smith's, which is, it's kind of like a newsagents, bookshop, you know, combined, if you don't know what it is.

And if you know what it is, then it's still, it's still there. I mean, my local one's got a post office in it now. Blimey.

So I used to just like, I want to go, I want to go. And I'd end up getting there. And I'd be the last person out because I'd be looking at the tape collection, wanting to buy a tape or wanted to buy a book or something.

Just wanted to buy something. I wanted something. And the amount of times that I'd just be standing at the door waiting for me to leave, because I'd left it to the last minute.

I had all day to do this. And I remember when I got the my new glasses, I remember sat on them the first day I got them, which is not the first time that's happened. I actually bought some sunglasses years ago, went to the Buddhist gift shop to see some friends.

And I put my glasses down as you do. And he sat on them. He's my sunglasses.

He found it funny. Now I just spent probably 30 pound or so they weren't they weren't cheap sunglasses. I just spent money on those things.

He found it funny that it sat on them. I really should let it go. Shouldn't I? That's 2004.

I really should just as I say in my hypnosis recordings, let it go. Let it go. But I bum bum bum bum bum.

I remember one thing I liked about that room that I had. When I started reading again, not start reading again, but I bought those books. I used to get home from work.

And we used to finish at half three. So I'd be home by four. And I'd sit out.

And there was this ledge so I could actually sit out of my window on this ledge. So I could be outside and read. Beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

It's a very pleasurable experience. And even if it was, I mean, this wasn't summer, this was, you know, still winter, really. But it was more February time.

So it wasn't because you know, February can be quite nice. Can be a nice, really nice days. And as you know, it's getting lighter and everything.

So you know, even though it was a bit chilly, I didn't care. I just enjoyed being out there. Plus, I was standing in the fridge all day long.

So I think I didn't feel the cold as much as I would have done normally. Yeah, I used to get home and just get into the freezer just to warm myself up after. I'm just being silly, silly.

The weird thing is when I moved away from London, I remember I was sitting in a bath or laid in a bath rather. And I decided then and there, because, oh, there's something I didn't mention. I lost my pad.

This pad I had all through the summer. The one I started in this sort of, probably the springtime of 1989 or very early summer all the way through the year until about the end of September. And I moved and I left the book there.

So I lost it, my pad, and it was nearly full. It was probably about 180 pages. And it was full of me just talking about ideas and stuff like that.

And then it's gone. So in the April, the following April in 1990, I'm lying in a bath in my dad's house. And I decided I want to become a comedian.

And as I decided, I realized that I just moved away from the place where the comedians were, London. That's where the comedy clubs were. Not all the comedy clubs, obviously, but the in the south of London, the south of England, London was a big comedy circuit in London that, you know, so that was the place for me to be.

And I just moved away from that place. So I decided I was going to move back in 1991, January. That's what I decided.

Now, instead of saving money up, which would have been sensible, especially considering what I was planning to do. I didn't, I still spent all my money. And I had two jobs.

When I first started, I was working, doing a canvas since I was getting I think 100 and 120 pound a week from that, or maybe 150. I'm not sure. And then I was getting I was doing night shift in a factory.

So I was getting full time money for that as well. So I had a lot of money, more money than I've ever had before at that point coming in. And all I spent it on was comedy albums, and comedy videos, you know, stand up videos, I had some really good collection.

And every month when I got paid, I'd go to London. So I'd finish on the Friday, no finish on a Saturday morning, because I worked all night. And then I just go straight to London.

And then I get back late afternoon, Saturday, and I just crash out, you know, go to sleep. But go up to Tower Records, HMV, Virgin, and just get it. Because back then, they had a great collection of albums, like vinyl, as well as tapes, I guess, I don't know, CDs are probably around as well back then, weren't they? I don't remember.

And a lot of them, a lot of American stuff, which is what I really wanted to buy, especially some of the older stuff, you know, so and the newest stuff, people that I didn't really know about. So I had albums by Emo Phillips, Sam Kinison, Andrew Dice Clay, George Carlin. But then older albums, like from Bill Cosby, Lenny Bruce, Steve Martin, trying to think what others, loads and loads and loads about, I had a big collection of not just videos, but also albums and tapes.

I think I had every George Carlin album, I had every Richard Pryor album. And plus English comedians as well. And ones from the 70s, 80s, 60s even, like Monty Python albums.

Billy Connolly, like his early stuff, like, you know, trying to think of who else. I also had people like Bernard Manning, Jimmy Jones, what's his name? Roy Chubby Brown, Jim Davidson, Robin Williams. I just had everyone, whether they were mainstream, whether they were old, you know, kind of, oops, bang the microphone, some would say out of date kind of comedy, whatever.

I just had a bit of everything. But I didn't save any money. And so I, at the end of the year of 1990, I was determined to move back to London to do the comedy.

I even turned down this lady, the girl, whatever that I was seeing, she wanted to get a house together, like rent a place. And I said, no. I said, I'm moving, I'm going to London in the new year.

So, you know, I was pretty determined. I don't think that did much, I don't think it helped our relationship very much, me saying that. But it was true, I was, I was determined that I was going to move to London to do comedy, which is what I did.

And nothing was going to do, actually, I was in two minds, to be fair, as I got closer to the time, because I had no money. I hadn't saved anything up, which I could have saved up a few grand. I could have had a great welcoming to London, if I'd have done it properly.

In fact, if I'd done it properly, I didn't have to move to London at all. I could have worked in the factory, I could have saved money together. And if I'd got myself a driving license, I could have just booked gigs and gone up there, when I, you know, just either took time off if I needed to, because the gigs were always planned months ahead of time.

Even if it was a free spot. So I could have done it, I didn't have to live in London to do it. I could have gone up there by train.

Or as I said, got myself a car, got driving lessons and bought myself a car. I had enough money coming in from the jobs. But I gave the job up anyway.

They were making people redundant, so I quit. Plus they changed my shifts to like daily, you know, double shifts, six to two one week, and then two to ten the next. Didn't like that.

I liked the night shift. That was my, that was my, that was my shift, I liked that. And then I find out that the, from two of the supervisors, that they weren't going to lay me off.

They were gonna, they had a, they wanted to get rid of the Deadwood. Some of the people that had been there for absolutely years that didn't really do anything. Just come in and moan and, you know, didn't really do much work.

And I said, yeah, but I didn't do much. They said, what? It looked like you were working. I said, yeah, but I was skiving.

I know how to, how to do nothing but make myself look like I'm actually working. They said, well, glad you left then. I said, oh, that whole conversation went a bit downhill after that.

So yeah, I'm, what I did though is, just before Christmas, I ended up having to get some cleaning jobs just to keep myself going. That's a click there, hear that? That's my chair. I'd got, got a couple of cleaning jobs just to keep myself going, to pay the rent.

And I sold all of my comedy stuff, all of the albums, all of the videos, all of the tapes. And that money I got from them helped me to pay for my trip back to London, or for my going there, getting a job, trying to get a job. I couldn't get a job to start with, but I did pay rent ahead.

But I had, I think I had about £500 when I went to London. It might be less, I'm pretty sure I had about £500. And I, yeah, so that, that was it.

Then, then I had that passion of comedy, but I had that passion right from April onwards, 1990. And I kept that passion for many years. It kind of deteriorated, deteriorated a little bit really after about 93, 94.

I kept going to 90. My last gig was January 98. So I, but I didn't have the enthusiasm as much.

Pretty much after 95. I did it, I did gigs, but it was, I went long periods when I didn't do anything. Because of the job I was doing, I was doing security.

I couldn't do gigs when I was doing security. I was working all the hours. But at the same time, I didn't really care.

But I kept on writing. That's the one thing I did keep doing. I kept with my journals.

I had a huge pile of them. Yeah, maybe that's what I need to do, get back to writing. Maybe start writing journals again.

But I feel some, in some ways, this is kind of like a journal. It's kind of like a journal. Kind of.

So that was the comedy. That was what I was really enthusiastic and stuff. And then the next thing I got enthusiastic about was hypnosis.

And then I went a period, oh another gate going. I had a period when I was obsessed with web design. That only lasted for about a year.

But I just got obsessed with it. And that was 2000. So it lasted just over a year maybe.

And then, you know, I went back to the hypnosis again. I kind of just thought, I didn't stop with the hypnosis. But I got, I went through a period when all I thought about was web design, web pages, building them.

And I don't know why I just got obsessed. And then, and then, I suppose hip, Buddhism, I suppose I got quite, got really into that. And selling, you know, because I was good at the first sales job I had, I was one of the best people there.

So I used to read sales books. So I guess that was my passion kind of at the time. And then, then Buddhism, Buddhism, and then kind of nothing for a while.

Hypnosis has always been there. I've always been reading books on hypnosis, but I wasn't practicing. I was just reading.

It was an intellectual thing. It was, it wasn't an actual physical thing that I was doing. Though I had done it with some people, but just not a regular thing.

And then January 1996, I basically just split up with my girlfriend. Right at the beginning of the year, it was January. I would have said that.

We all know in January is when it's beginning of the year. Why are you mentioning it? Why? Why? Why? I don't know. Anyway, I decided to offer free hypnosis service locally, and also do a stop smoking event.

I want to break the world record. Anyway, I think I was drunk. And I ordered something like 50,000 postcards printed, which cost me about 700 pounds.

So yeah, that was the beginning. And I woke up the next, the next day thinking, I had a weirdest dream. I just spent nearly 1000 pounds on postcards.

Oh, well, I'm glad I don't do stuff like that in real life. And then I saw the email that reminded me of my purchase. They have now been printed.

And we'll be with you in the next four days. Oh, brilliant. 50 was it might have been 100,000.

I think it was 50,000 postcards. And uh, yeah. And from that, this all started.

That's where this all started. There's more to it. But I've talked about that before doing the group sessions, doing a rehab and alcohol charities and drug rehab center.

You should have group sessions. And they'd say to me, Yeah, it's nice to listen to you once a week or twice a week. But what about when we're at home? Can you do a CD or something? So I did recorded a recording, recorded the sessions, made CDs, CDs were going too quickly.

Everyone wanted them. So I thought I'll stick on the website. I'll stick on my website.

So that's what I did. And that's how this whole thing started. Because I started sharing them on MySpace.

And then yeah. Hey, that's how this started. So you can blame.

I don't know who can we blame? Everyone. So that's it. I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna go now. I don't normally do these recordings in the morning, but apart from the yaw I just did, I'm generally a bit more awake at this time. It's only seven minutes past 11 in the morning.

So I'm hoping I'll do a few more recordings today. Yeah, should be good. Right.

Well, thank you for listening. Remember to be kind to yourself, because you deserve to be happy. Lots of love.

Bye.