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Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is all to me to bore you to sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. So there you go, the time is 10 o'clock or 2 minutes past 10 in the evening on Monday the 11th of September, no 11th of October 2021.
Jay, tell us all about the statistics please. No, I won't. I can't stand people just keep asking what's the stats today.
If anything, if you listen regularly, you know I don't like talking about the stats. Oh, go on, please. Okay then.
No, I might mention it just briefly. Just briefly. Um, the last 30 days of downloads 574,396.
Yeah, um, today 20,000 downloads so far. Was it 10, 11, 12, 1, still three and a half hours left of the day because the stats don't start till 1.30 in the morning or they end at 1.30 in the morning, if that makes sense. I think it's because it's an American website.
I don't know why 1.30 is the cut off, but it is. Yeah, I've just I've uploaded three recordings today. I've got a deep sleep whisper, a boring objects, which was this.
What was it today? I've forgotten. It was that boring. And I did fall asleep doing it.
Doors, not doors. Beds, that's it beds. Boring subject.
But yeah, I talked about beds for about half an hour or 40 minutes. And did a relax and sleep hypnosis daily. So they're all uploaded and now doing this one.
This one. So was it 10 days, last seven days. And last current month, current month.
So the current month so far, I've had 235,428 downloads. And that's in 10 days, well, just under 11 days. So it's not the 11th day yet.
Still a few hours. So that's in 11 in nearly 11 days. 235,428.
By the end of the day, that will be there probably be another, I don't know, two or 3000 added on maybe 4000. I don't know. And before the end.
So that would be 237,000 probably. That's all right. It's all right.
It's okay. I suppose. I suppose.
Geolocation. Yeah, 48% is America. 20% is United Kingdom.
I'm sure it's that was that was squeaky on it. I'm sure it's higher. Last month last month.
Yeah, not by much is 23%. 47% America. 24% United Kingdom.
So I'm losing the United Kingdom followers. Oh, no, please come back. Can't base one week on compared to a month really.
Can't compare the both. No. Can you compare them man? So I'm interested in this.
How many recordings I've actually made? Like since this week, or this month for last month, even because I don't really I really don't know. Too many is probably the answer to way way way too many. I need to just maybe if I do one a day, or direct one recording a day.
Just get back to basics. Just one record in a day. Get rid of all the podcasts, just have one podcast one recorded.
Maybe one record in a week, maybe not daily weekly. Most people do a weekly podcast and do daily podcast. Yeah, just do what most people do.
They said one podcast with one weekly episode. Yeah, I might do that. Get rid of all the others because it's just non stop non stop man.
It really is. It's okay, baby. Why? So based on that, if I go on first to the 10th, so 200 and 215,512.
That was for the first week, or that's for 10. Times that by three, 246,645,645,645,646, 650,600, near about 650,000 downloads this month based on the 10 days if it times by three. 600 and what's that? Compared to 458 last month.
My target is 600. Next month my target is 800,000 and December my target is 1 million downloads. that's my target man.
Go out of targets makes it a little bit more interesting I guess if a people watch sport watch sport if they make a bet it makes it more exciting for them now I'm I don't bet I don't really do betting I've tried a couple of times and I can see why it's exciting because it does it is exciting I mean if you're interested but you have to be interested in the sport as well I bet on horses in a bookies in an actual betting shop and also I once went to a dog races because Andre
the original Andre when I was in Ireland his dad took me to the dogs because his dad was a dog breeder and a dog racer he's a he's an award winner as well he's very quite big in that industry he's he's a big name there and he's like a top breeder or top trainer I don't know what it is but if you're watching a race and you've betted money and I was I was betting like five or something in the nine small amount of money and just makes it so much more interesting otherwise you just
got six dogs running it's like okay it's but it's this is pointless watching it unless there's unless it's your dog if it's your dog then I guess you'd be betting anyway wouldn't you betting on it unless it's really rubbish and you're betting against it because you know because you have inside new ledge I don't know not sure why I'm talking about betting why why did I start talking about betting oh you're having an interest in something being interested and for me I'm betting on myself myself myself but you said self I know that's part of
my speech impediment that comes and goes it's weird I've got a weird mouth I do I've got very weird mouth I've got tiny little teeth they are you literally you can't see them it looks like I have no teeth but I do actually have teeth but I have to open my mouth up wide and that's another thing I can't open my mouth up wide my jaw I haven't got a locked jaw or anything it's not like otherwise I'd be completely I'd be in a lot of pain wouldn't I and it would just be stuck and
I wouldn't be able to eat but I can't open my mouth up wide my jaw won't allow it it's I don't know what that is and apart from on there's only really one occasion one occasion there's a couple of occasions where one I won't mention another is I guess eating a burger I managed to open my mouth up quite wide for that but at the same time I'm squeezing it as my mouth goes over so you know it's that's really the widest my mouth opens maybe for an apple or a pear I mean sometimes I
do I like to mix food so if I've got a plate of food on it yeah let's say it's a roast dinner for example something that I seldom have but I really love I love it when you invite me round your house a nice roast dinner would be lovely I'll be very pleased with that thank you and and you know what I don't even mind if it's vegetarian as long as everything's the same but with what's that stuff vegetarians eat like it's a roast is it nut roast I like nut roast I actually like some
vegetarian food like the the pre you know the the stuff you get in supermarkets you know not a huge fan of the vegetarian food I've eaten that people have cooked because it often just looks like slop and that's you know it's like but that's I think that's kind of a in my experience and I'm being I'm generalizing I'm not having a go at Buddhists either but in my experience with some Buddhists that I've known they just like chuck everything into a saucepan and then just serve it and it just it looks I'm not saying it
looks like vomit I'm not saying that but I am saying I'm not saying that but you know what I mean just like it doesn't taste that much better it's just I don't spend a lot of time eating vomit I'm just saying it's just so for me when I was a vegetarian for a year solid I well first of all I didn't get many solids he'd go right for him it did I lost lots of weight great way great way for me to lose weight because I say that I know I know fat vegetarians I know
the one of the biggest people I know is a vegan so I actually used to believe that being a vegan or vegetarian it or everyone's slim because at one point everyone that I've met that was a vegetarian was slim pretty much but and I slimmed down I got down to 11 and a half stone now at the time I was about 13 stone and I got down to 11 half so I lost a stone and a half and the only fat I had on really was my belly you know maybe a little bit of fat
in my boobies but so I went down a couple of bra sizes but other than that and I've got them back now I'm I'm a I'm at least a e-cup now it's lovely I love it I recommend highly recommend I lost weight but I wasn't weak with it I felt weak but I wasn't weak I there was a little bit of craving of food and during the first part of that period so New Year's Eve I decided I wasn't gonna drink alcohol anymore for the year and I stuck to it I didn't and I didn't
smoke then either whatever that was the only thing I had to give up apart from meat I decided I was gonna be be live a vegetarian lifestyle for a year and that's my memory of it but I might have already been a vegetarian before that so I might have already been a vegetarian so I've lived I spent quite a few years where I've been like semi vegetarian because I'm not really a big meat lover I don't really and I don't really cook for myself that often so for me having a vegetarian filling for a sandwich
is not really different from the processed meat because the processed meat doesn't taste like meat anyway compared from you know compared to if you've got a you know like a roast chicken or turkey or ham that tastes well it is meat it tastes of meat but I have I don't feel in my life ever cooked a chicken now that doesn't mean I eat them raw I just don't it's just me it's me on my own now admittedly I could buy a small chicken I could cook it and then I could keep bits of it you
know put it into the fridge and have it sandwiches and maybe heat it up for a meal or make a make a lovely curry I've never made a curry I just don't cook I don't cook I don't cook so three times just for I don't cook and I say to myself that it's because it's just for me what's the point I think the truth is I just can't be bothered now if I did cook I'd enjoy eating it well not as much as if someone cooked it for me and I knew they had at least
a decent level of hygiene standards but I don't I don't see the point spending an hour and a half like for a proper meal you know spending ages marinating things and preparing things all that stuff for a five-minute meal it kind of seems a bit pointless plus I don't eat much which is weird considering how huge big fat smelly belly I got I don't actually eat much I eat a child's portion of food what could I eat if I have a sandwich the most I will have is two slices of bread with something inside I
don't have four slices I just have those two sandwiches or one sandwich cut in half and even then I generally don't eat all of it hard to believe really it might sound like I'm just lying to you but I'm not I'm not never I would I would lie I do love lying I always used to say I don't lie when the only person I lie to is my girlfriend I don't lie to anyone else some people used to get annoyed at that so I'd say even more there's no point lying what's the point in lying
genuinely what is the point what's the benefit of lying unless you're a thief or done something like really bad what what benefit is there to lie about anything I mean I do lie obviously but only in really these recordings I don't lie the rest of the time because there's no benefit to me I'm not gonna get anything out of it I'm not gonna win an award and the winner of this year's bullshitter of the year award is it's JoJo no that's it a point in lying I have no reason I don't live a life of
needing to lie I live a life of doing whatever I want when I want and no one else is no one else is got anything to do with it it's not as a business that's my life it's a it's a lifestyle that there's certain sacrifices you gotta make like you know friends sometimes yeah having a job having money having a relationship yeah but if you're willing to let all that go being liked all that stuff you let all that go and you're just gonna be honest yeah you can just means no one talks to you
and but I can't I kind of like that I could go the rest of this year without one person talking to me and I wouldn't get hugely bothered by it I'm just not that bothered you know not too worried I don't need to have continuous conversations with anybody I don't get I really get anything out of it I would much prefer to save my words for the podcast or podcasts and I talk I talk I talk myself I use all my words up really if I do three four podcasts a day that's all my words
used I don't have any energy to be talking them the conversation about nothing and my my energy is used all the words are used up you know it's a bit like when I worked in a call center when I got home the last thing I wanted was to have to have a conversation with someone it's not always but it depends if I was in the pub then it's different because different environment and I'll be I'll probably be talking about work anyway just moaning and moaning about work but going home you can hear that I've got
the windows open I was out today went out to the just to get something and my friend came with me and he was cold and I was out there he had a jacket on I just had my top on t-shirt a little top and that was it a little top wasn't a skimpy little thing just a top you know a hoodie or whatever it was lovely it was like to me it was glorious day him it's cold but everyone else seems to feel it's cold but me and I like it can't just be because I'm
the size of a baby well I mean surely there's gotta be other reasons I don't and it's not that I don't feel a cold because when it's cold I do feel a cold I just don't feel a cold when it's not cold that's the difference and it was not cold today it was one of the best October days and it has been for a few days actually we just really really nice weather it's glorious and the only time it's really the only really annoying weather for me is the rain because I can't go out in
it just get soaked it's just like well it's it's not an enjoyable experience but wind I don't care wind doesn't affect me really I mean you need a hurricane in order for me to be affected by the wind and then my the tiles come off of my head I've got tiles on my head I've got a little roof but other than that snow I love snow I love love snow I'm not a big fan of the aftermath of the snow the ice the walking like a very very very elderly elderly old man 105 years old
with walking sticks that's how I feel I'm walking when I'm walking on ice it's just it's just not it's not nice I don't like it and so I try to avoid going out in when it's like that and well that's it that's the only weather we have in it rain wind what else is there apart from just different temperatures hail that rarely happens don't get hail very often I mean if anything it's more likely to have hail in the summer than in the winter the odd hail stones and stuff the weather is very basic here
but it's very mixed and it's you know you can it's almost like you go through three seasons in one day sometimes yet we moan about it in this country people that have been alive like me I've been alive for centuries and I still moan on a river moon well I should be used to it by now shouldn't I shouldn't I I mean it's it's like walking through the street and just banging into a lamppost I bloody lamppost then the next day banging into lamppost and then 30 years later banging into lamppost like that bloody who
put that there that's the equivalent of moaning about the weather like you know the lamppost there if they are everyday mate it's always they are there's no reason to bang into it more than once unless you really are you know a Jason why would you know maybe it's because I'm a Londoner that I love London Ted maybe it's because I'm just a moaner hey moaner ooh moaner maybe I am a moaner I don't know I'm a moaner when I'm around people that moan when I'm not around people that moan could not care about the weather
genuinely I think the only thing that annoys me a little bit is when it gets so dark so early in even this time of year even October then November and you know it's like sometimes two o'clock and it's it's almost like evening I mean the other day this is about two or three weeks ago I had to have the light on at ten in the morning all day and then in fact it got a little bit lighter about three so I could turn the light off shouldn't have to have the light on all day and
when the lights on I can't have the curtains drawn because people can see me they can see what I'm doing so yeah there's laws I need to abide by according to the my social worker so I a little bit Prince there ooh I'm going down ooh the alphabet street I'm gonna crown first girl that I meet everybody to make a better day ooh better day yeah I'm not sure why I'm talking about the weather apart from the fact that I'm English and that's our go-to for conversations it's a boring subject the weather but for some
reason it's a really good icebreaker I suppose I should say pun not intended you know ice weather but I don't know it's boring and pointless if you're standing at a bus stop waiting for a bus and there's someone else there standing at the bus stop waiting for a bus and you say to each other you say to the other one it's cold in it pointless statement very windy isn't it pointless statement absolutely you might as well just say I'm standing here and you're standing there and you say yeah you are standing there and I am
standing here and I've got my hands in my pockets but you haven't got your hands in your pockets because you're wearing gloves that's right you have got your hands in your pockets and I don't need to have my hands in my pockets because I'm wearing gloves but also I'm not able to put my hands in my pockets because the gloves are too thick and I can't fit my hands inside my pockets when my gloves are on my hands I'm wearing a hat but you're not I know you are wearing a hat and I'm not wearing
a hat because unlike you I have hair this is such a pointless that might as well just happen next time you're at a bus stop or outside a shopping center or outside generally and someone's talking about the weather yeah and they say it's cold isn't it or isn't it windy in your mind you'll remember that conversation that I just had and they'll be part of you wants to say to them I'm standing here with my coat on you're standing there and you also have a coat on I dare you to say it I double dare
you triple quadruple wherever I've gone because I will look at you with absolute like what are you talking about talk about the bleeding obvious of course I'm wearing a coat it's winter isn't it it's raining it's raining of course I'm wearing a coat what do you think I'm going to do walking around in a bikini no so that is pointless it's a pointless conversation the thing about it is I really enjoy those conversations for some reason maybe it's because I get a chance to talk to a complete stranger without any effort because talking about the
weather is easy I've it's been bred into me from being a baby to talk about the weather you know just randomly to anyone and it's something that everybody can talk about without upsetting the other person without triggering them oh he triggered me he talked about the hail he talked about the ice the walls triggered no it's just a very safe conversation that you can have although personally I wear headphones so that no one talks to me I find that's easier and who wants to I've spoken I don't mind it if it's a lady but that's
happened maybe five times in my life but I've actually spoken to a woman it's always a man always a man speaks to me I've rarely had any woman come up to me and start talking about the weather it's still the same subject it's gonna be weather oh isn't it raining isn't it young man I mean there's one young girl she was actually quite young and she was shivering and I said what are you doing she had like hardly anything on and it was winter and I don't think it was snowing but it was that kind
of temperature and I I'm not sure if I let her put my coat on for a bit just to keep her warm warm her up what I did do is I gave her my gloves if I'd given my coat why'd I been cold that would have defeated the objective survival really wouldn't it be a bit silly on my heart but to give her a coat and then I would be the one that was cold but I gave her my gloves and the reason I'm telling you that is because I just want everyone to know what
a hero I am what an absolute legend I am and when I said she was young she was young I don't know she was a teenager so I just I don't like to see anyone cold I didn't care enough to give her my coat but it was too cold to take my coat off plus I thought I was a bit pushing it a little bit too far as a little bit over the top and this next bit might make me sound a little silly a little rude but I waited till the bus got there before
I gave her my gloves so she did sit there freezing for about half hour and then I got on the bus and she was still waiting for her bus so I gave her my gloves to wear I guess I didn't think about it before and I thought oh she's gonna be cold but once I was walking down my road and I was walking towards a supermarket and it started to pelt down like absolute crazy rain and there was this man ahead of me and I ran up to him patted him on the shoulder and said
yeah and pushed him in the road so yeah it's like a confessional it's quite good no I didn't I put the body above his head and let him go to shower him and he was so grateful it's like he thought I was a weirdo to start with because you know this bloke approaching him he's like who are you and I thought you know what technically he's a human being and I don't know him I didn't know him but he was a human being no one likes getting soaking wet in the winter in the summer it
can be it can be okay actually it is nice weather and it's warm sometimes it's nice to just get absolutely drenched and if I didn't have neighbors I would go into this into the garden and lay down possibly naked and just on the grass or put a towel down so the earwigs don't get up my bum and I just or the ants that's a ants they do tend to they don't always someone said to me oh ants don't have to worry about that ants don't climb up your bum they go anywhere near your bum they
do if you smear jam on there or honey so yeah anyway that's what I would do I'd probably lay on there I might just keep me box of shorts on or something and just stretch out on the grass and let the the rain pour down on me it'd be a lovely so freeing so relaxing I'd be like it'd be like a big massage it'd be wonderful it'd be nice if I could split myself in half so I could actually have the rain falling on my back and my stomach at the same time but then I'd
be dead though wouldn't I so that wouldn't be good so I that's probably what I'm gonna do in the future I'd like to if I get me own garden which is what I wanted to do I just with Andre I wanted to get a garden for him I had it all planned you know I realized it would be his retirement you know he would be quite old by then I was hoping within the next couple of years maybe three years to get get somewhere with a garden of my own nice big garden or big enough
for me I don't need a big garden but nice and big for him and get it all ferret proof you know so he couldn't get out but so he could have tunnels and dig and I'd love it yeah that didn't happen so I'd like to just be able to just just just just just just just just lie in the rain no neighbors reporting me just be lovely just to be there oh like a like a little waterfall mmm oh it'd be glorious glory glory glory I gave all the glory to the clouds drink oh that
was nice I bought these cans of coke and they're miniature honestly they are how much 150 mil and I think the normal cans of 330 so they're nearly half the size I guess that makes sense and they're just better because I don't waste them because even if I drink four cans a day of coke I still only drink probably three cores at the most so this way I'm not wasting and I what did I got delivery the other day from a supermarket and they didn't have the normal size cans they only had these little ones
so what two boxes these little ones I think there's maybe 12 in a box or 24 something like that 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 I reckon 12 actually and they're lasting I reckon I'm probably maybe drinking four of these a day and it's getting instead of getting through for the big ones and I'm drinking more tea now so I'm just I'm drinking less coke not through design but just as a result of what have the changes I've made so I don't really want to stop drinking coke altogether but I would
like I do feel the need to reduce and drink it for the fun rather than and sometimes I feel like I have to drink it almost you know like I don't know not an addiction but as a kind of I think it's turned into a habit very habitual like have a have a coke with me and I try not to eat have a coke when I eat and I don't drink coke when I eat anymore I have it's not always true but so if I have a sandwich or a meal in the evening I'll have
a cup of tea now with the dinner I just think that drinking coke there's a lot of gas going in there when you're eating this it's you know if anything probably ruins the dinner cup of tea although I'm not really a big fan of tea I like a cup of tea with some biscuits I do have me 11sies now I do so I have my breakfast like this morning I have my breakfast about half 4 in the morning weird hours I just woke up I went to bed early last night and I've been doing that
and I might do that again and I think I did like an early recording like tonight finished and I was in bed by about half 11 and I may well do the same today but then I was awake at half 4 I had me breakfast had a cup of coffee watched a bit of telly or some streaming stuff and then I checked my stats that reminds me I really should talk more about my stats no you can hear it throughout the world no okay I won't I won't there's certain things I shouldn't talk about don't
talk about religion don't talk about stats okay okay I don't normally talk about stuff like that I'll talk about my stats but I don't want to talk about anything kind of only talk about politics or religion generally occasionally I do but usually I don't you know it's an occasion occasionally I was I think I had it the other day I had it a whole day of news focusing on the Catholic Church and it's wound me up so much and just you know just reminded me of some stuff and but as my friend said my friend
said to me slag off the Catholic if you slag off the Catholic Church again I'm gonna knock you out so I thought maybe I should stop and he didn't but he looked like he looked like that's what he was thinking so okay everyone's got their own little thing and they that they they struggle to move away from I mean in in the Buddhist community that I'm kind of part of although I don't go very regularly but I was very very very involved the head of the Buddhist organization was had accusations against him and some people
refused to even acknowledge the accusations even though he kind of apologized if he'd done something out of order and it was the 60s and he was experimenting and it was basically it was probably taking advantage of vulnerable men young men but they weren't kids they were adults you know so it's if anyone that gets involved in religion as an adult I mean sometimes okay I'll rephrase that and I'm only talking about Buddhism that's the only one I really know about but I think it's the same with others as well because a lot of people go
to religion in all in their adult life when they've hit rock bottom when they really need help whether it's drugs whether it's prison whether it other serious things and religion has saved many lives hundreds it's taken probably more than it saved but it's has saved many people's lives and transformed people's lives and but I think that's more for people that go into it when they're adults if you're born into it I think it has a different effect those limitations and those we've got we've all got blind spots but if you're an adult and you're going
into something you're gonna probably have a few lesser blind spots about the thing that you're actively getting involved in and you're purposefully studying and you know if you're just born into something and I sort of feel like you're three years old and aren't you told well I'm a Hare Krishna really I'm a Mormon oh what's a Mormon then well it's like a Hare Krishna but you just have look you have a different hairstyle which isn't true or is it oh well what's a Mormon then it's the book I don't know who knows no one knows
yes I do I don't know much about Mormons the book of Mormon obviously I'm starting to get a bit interested in maybe reading all of these books because I'm quite ignorant to it I've read I know I know a bit about it you know I studied at a school I actually studied it it's the only only subject I was interested in was religion I had no idea why I found it fascinating I found it funny I've always found beliefs people's beliefs to be quite funny and I realized that that's not a popular view to take
but I just find it just ridiculous including my own I'm not I'm just just humans generally humans beliefs how people come to have a belief system how they manage to not question it is something that I find fascinating and yeah so maybe yeah I mean I I've read a few I've read the Bible I've read the New Testament for lots of Buddhist stuff I guess I enjoyed the Buddhist stuff more but I did the New Testament the Old Testament I didn't really enjoy the New Testament I fell in love with Jesus I did I can't
help him sorry I did you know even though I'm not really Christian I'll always have a real real soft spot for Jesus the story of Jesus just there's something about it and I suppose it's much easier it was easy living in a Christian country really or we used to be a Christian country this country and and the laws of the country were built upon Christian values the church had a huge a huge part of this whole country's kind of the foundations was built wasn't it they were all family and everything was like on church the
church had a huge impact on the laws not just the laws but even etiquette and I mean religion and law shouldn't even be just completely different I find that a little bit worrying because you see versions of that in other countries and I'm just so grateful I'm not there and I'm here because you know the whole you know cutting off people's hands for stealing stealing is one of my favorite things I you know oh man and there's nothing I want more than to go to Dubai and go shoplifting that's one of my that is on
my that's on my bucket list but the chance of doing it I mean literally that needs to be the last thing on my bucket list because once I've done that I won't be able to carry that bucket around anymore so that should be my autobiography shoplifting in Dubai and that's gonna be the title of the recording is shoplifting in Dubai yeah brilliant I'm so happy I don't know how many people listening to this have shoplifted I have but as a kid not as an adult as a kid as a little kid like little little little
little little little kid and you might say yeah but you always told us you was tiny all the way through your childhood even up to being a teenager okay stop talking so quickly yeah I'm talking when I was young the last time actually I got caught stealing one two no I didn't get caught that time I got caught at school but I never got caught in a supermarket technically I used to steal okay I I remember I was I bought a Mars bar or you know a chocolate bar I was waiting in the supermarket and
I was standing there waiting to be served and people adults were walking past me ahead of me and getting served and I was what about eight years old so I wasn't the most assertive when it came to stuff like that I don't know if I've ever been in a supermarket on my own before because you know I I used to go into the local shops but the sweet shops they would get the sweets for you because they knew that kids shoplifted you know one of the tricks was you asked them to get you some Garibaldi's
or whatever or some space hoppers or monkey nuts out of the big jars they used to have they get on the little ladder aim their arse at you fart and then get up the ladder and then you just clear everything off the counter you get as many stuffing things into your bag as possible I never did that because I wasn't a thief I just didn't really think that way but I know people that did and I had no problem eating their sweets that they'd stolen so I can't really take a moral high ground here plus
I did steal and not not in that situation but I had a I was gonna be me confessing to stealing things brilliant and the police knock on his door I was in a supermarket I was eight and on it literally I was waiting you know where the baskets are at the end of the till it's I don't know what it's like in supermarkets where you are but I was waiting there and I was already doing social distancing even then I didn't like to be close to people and then people just walking past me the person
on the till blanked me at one point I was even like waving a Mars bar at her and she didn't just completely ignored me and said next and spoke to the adults so I stood there and I just thought I'll stuff this I started eating the Mars bar I thought I'll eat it while I wait and I'll pay for it when I so I wasn't even stealing it then I thought I'll eat it or whatever while I'm waiting I'll have a little chomp because I'm hungry so it might be in a milky way because they're
quite good between meals apparently but I had yes I had a bite of it I thought I'll do this while I wait maybe she'll see me doing that and she's like come here you gotta pay for that but nothing so I another bite still nothing I'm thinking hmm this is weird so I have another bite and it's gone so I thought I'll still stand there with the wrapper and I'll just pay for it when I get to the thing nothing still ignored me well the adults were just walking right past me probably just thought I
was a kid well I was a kid but I probably looked about six you know size-wise and I probably thought I'd lost me mummy or something so I just walked past the woman on the cashier counter she didn't even know didn't even look at me and I just walked out I was a bit worried that the alarm would go off you know I thought oh no the mark that the alarm would detect the the chocolate in my tummy but nothing then I realized I didn't have alarms because it was to go it's like 1978 I
don't think they had alarms on their doors back then they might have done though I don't know so that was the one time I really remember doing it but then yeah I never did it again never stole from a supermarket until I worked in one but in class it's stealing I was cleaning the supermarket every morning and they had a pick-and-mix so I just helped myself and have like a little chew or little sphincter suck on every now and then and that was it stick a boobie pocket have a nice suck and that was it
you know but I didn't realize like it didn't feel like stealing but in reality it probably was well it was wasn't I guess you take something that isn't yours it's stealing but it didn't feel like stealing it felt like the right thing to do for some reason so yeah I guess I did steal but I was and I was what 18 at the time 19 20 19 no 19 20 yeah I might have been 20 blimey so I knew I should have known better but you know I was very young I was very naive very
naive so there's no excuse for that but I still kind of partly think well is it really stealing it's just taking a sweet now and then I wasn't taking chocolate bars I was just taking these penny sweets yeah I don't know so and I did that job about three times the first time I did it I was I was probably eating too many sweets and ended up with a toothache and have to have a tooth out so I thought that's my punishment and then I got the job again the same place did the same thing
didn't get toothache so then I realized now it wasn't a punishment it was just a toothache it's just a gammy tooth and then oh god maybe it's putting music on really it's 11 o'clock why is he playing loud music at 11 o'clock I had trying to think whatever I was stealing I've done at school and I'm talking like junior school very young I was what seven and this girl that I liked oh she was kind of like my girlfriend she said wait after school got something to show you and I thought brilliant and then we
at the end of school I went and she she said wait wait till everyone left the school we hid and there was another kid as well we all and I thought oh this isn't got looking good to someone else with us so I thought we were gonna I don't know get married or something I don't know I wasn't sure I was seven and she she took me into the tuck shop or where the tuck shop was she had the key to the tuck shop so we went in there and had a banquet because they used
to be a tuck shop where people would go in during break time lunch time you could buy bags of crisps coat your drinks chocolate bars stuff like that well we had access to everything all in boxes plus the stuff that was on the trolley from you know the day before and we went back every day for a few days and then we were caught we got caught by I think the janitor and the next day for some reason I just got sent home just go home we'll speak to you tomorrow nothing my parents didn't know
anything about it I couldn't understand what's going on the next day a policeman turns up this police man who was a police could not say policeman anymore police person he was a policeman shut up he was a policeman he was a man and he was a police and you know I'll be there was police woman then as well 1977 okay should we do a little statistics are we you like don't want to hear statistics how many police women how many women are in a police force in 1977 come back to me then have an argument
yeah thank you very much trust me in 1977 you had to be at least 5 10 or 5 11 to get in a police force now they let midgets in they let little people dwarfs they do it doesn't matter they'll let anyone in the police force now doesn't matter you don't have to speak English don't have to have any qualifications ideally you don't have to be racist but it helps apparently that's what they have on their little mugs in the in the offices you know like you'd have to be crazy but hell you don't have
to be racist but it helps so yeah fat people don't matter you can be a police don't have to be physically fit or anything now back then you had to be fit you had to be able to run after someone now yes it's weird I think it's good I mean I'm open for equal opportunities I think it's brilliant that everybody has a chance to be an oink oink now everyone has a chance to work for the constabulary of this great country it's great it's great it's wonderful they're lovely and not the metropolitan police the police
in London wow heavy-handed or what seriously very heavy-handed so arrogant it's ridiculous they almost think that they're well it reminds me of like um it's almost like Zeus Zeus has come down to the and he's he's dressed in a bobby outfit a police outfit you know like a little costume and he's walking around I am Zeus the god of gods you do what I say you do like really that kind of arrogance and they've all injected with Zeus's blood um the police in the metropolitan police in London so they think they're like somehow special and
I agree I think they are special they're very special very special people special needs and so I'm thinking the other time oh yeah so a police turned up a policeman turned up and we we were called out in front of everyone me my girlfriend and this other boy had to stand up in the classroom maybe that's why I'm not a big fan of police because I mean it was embarrassing it was very embarrassing and he gave a lecture to the class he gave a lecture to us and then to the class about not stealing not
taking what's not yours all the stuff that you know is kind of should be common sense really if you've got a brain I just didn't seem to have a brain that worked and I thought that was the end of my life because I really thought that's it I'm going to go home to the guillotine or something when you know but nothing they didn't even tell my parents about it now if I'd have done that five years later and my dad got a phone call from the police or from the school saying that I'd stolen from
the school and a police person had come in and you know I my I yeah I think my dad would still be in prison seriously he'd have lost he wouldn't have enjoyed that he'd have he would have been very unhappy so he couldn't have been told because he'd probably still be angry with me now so that was it really I there was one time that I I yeah I want to talk about it there was another time I did a little bit of dodgy but I stole some magazines once I was only 25 so I
didn't know any better but I went to not I went into this newsagents and the bloke was asleep on the counter I don't mean he had like a bed and he was on the counters he was like just he'd fallen asleep and I don't believe I did it I can't believe I still can't believe I did it but I did it and I'm embarrassed and it's just it was out of character because I'm not a thief I really and I just told you about all the times I've stolen but forgetting that I forget that stuff
I'm not actually a thief I don't I don't like thieves I don't just it's kind of for me like lowest of the low in a sense of just don't like it and he was asleep and I went in there to buy one magazine I ended up and I just happened to have this big bag with me I think maybe I'd just done my laundry and I just dropped it and I was going to go back and collect it so I had the bag with me so I don't know but anyway I ended up clearing I
think I must have taken about 20 magazines putting them in my bag and taking one magazine to the counter and woken him up to pay for the magazine and then left and to this day I can't believe I did it what was going on in my mind absolutely ridiculous now I had one of the best weekends of my life in my bedroom on my own because this was on a Friday afternoon yeah I remember my friend who I lived with he said I haven't seen you all weekend where have you been and I said I
need water I need water I need to eat but I need water and he couldn't figure it out he's like what's going on I didn't tell him I didn't tell him but I was embarrassed and ashamed of that and it's just not me I'm not I'm not a thief I'm just not but I like stealing things it's one of those things no I don't I really don't I mean stealing would be easy for me now because I'm not someone to see there's no shop staff were even going to look at me as a potential thief
because I'm just like an old man now they're not even I'm invisible and most of the a lot of shops not most but a lot of shops have young women working in them where I live I'm sure it's not like that everywhere I'm sure it's equal everywhere and else in the world it just happens to be here that a lot of the the shops that I go into seem to have young women working behind the counter so the savers which is a like a they sell perfume but also stuff sanitary things you know soap and
all that stuff and I've never seen a man work I think once I saw a young bloke working there maybe but it's always seemed to be women uh super drug seems to always be women working there I'm not sure if I've ever seen a man working in there no doubt there are men working there but just in this particular place for some reason the point I'm saying is young women don't see me I'm invisible to them I think once I hit 30 I started to like shimmer a little bit start to kind of they could
see me but I was disappearing every now and then a little bit like there's a little bit of a little fog cloud in front of me when I hit 40 I'd disappear for minutes at a time and then I'd appear again and then I'd miss disappear and sometimes I make I make women jump I'd actually be like you made me jump but we stand in front of you for 20 minutes oh but it's like I'm invisible and then suddenly I become invisible now invisible all the time there's no it's just it's just the way it
is it's young women and I'm saying you know younger adult women just don't seem to see me I am invisible which means I could do pretty much anything I want like stealing wise I just I could walk in there with I could yeah probably walk with a shopping trolley fill it up and just walk out and what would happen I wouldn't get arrested but what and you know with the you know with the cameras in the shops and stuff that footage wouldn't be on crime watch or on the news or the local you know anything
like that it'd be on Britain's Most Haunted it'd be an episode of Britain's Most Haunted showing a shopping trolley moving on its own and stuff just shooting off the shelves like this because I'm invisible so it's not really a ghost it's me but because they can't see me it looks like you know I'm taking I'm stealing stuff off the shelves putting it into the thing then walking out the trolley but because I'm invisible it looks like there's a ghost doing it it's like that's what I mean that's why it's on Most Haunted documentary that's that's
yeah okay good slow or what yeah not the not the best the bestest uh not the most proudest moment in my life but I just yeah I don't I don't do stuff like that now I don't and I was never big into it you know there's most of the you know as long as a little kid and then a few sweets when I was working in the supermarket you know when I was in my late teens and then when I was 25 in fact I might be 24 no I was 25 let's not lie about
it I was no I might be 24 actually yeah 24 doesn't make it any better but just you know I'm in 25 you're just closer to 30 you know at least 24 I was closer to 20 so I was only a youngster but there you go please don't lose all respect in me it wasn't my fault it's a long time ago don't forget 25 I'm now 73 you do the maths not math maths you do the maths that's over 12 years that's not over 12 years it's 42 years that's what I said it's over 12
years 42 years is over 12 years isn't it oh you make me so angry yeah well that's my job right I'm gonna go so thank you for listening thank you for partaking in this wonderfulness that we call podcasting and remember to be kind to yourself you deserve to be happy do something do something really nice for yourself today obviously it doesn't involve shoplifting okay and just be gentle lots of love bye
Paragraph spacing and recurring name or title errors have been tidied. Because this began as a voice transcription, an occasional word or piece of punctuation may still be incorrect.