#734 Let me bore you to sleep - TRAVEL TIPS - Jason Newland (23rd September 2021)

Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com. I am, me is, I was Jason Newland. This is let me bore you to sleep, please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. I need to get an introduction recorded so I don't have to keep saying it every single time.

After 16 years, it's got boring. It really has. The only difference is I used to say www.jasonnewland.com. Now I shortened it.

Maybe in a few years it'll just be nuland.com and then just .com and then com and then I just won't say it anymore. Maybe, mind you by then there probably won't be any websites. It'll be completely different.

The internet I imagine will, I don't know, become something very different from what it is now. I'm not sure. I do wonder because a lot of people don't even use the internet for websites anymore.

It's like apps, apps have taken over a lot of the internet. They used to be using websites and technically apps aren't on the internet. You need the internet to use the apps.

But the apps are on your phone or on your laptop or your tablet. So of course you have to have internet access for them to work but you're not actually kind of going onto the internet. You're just going directly into the app.

It's not even that. It's even with podcasting. To listen to a podcast you just go to one place.

I say go to one place, it depends. I mean everyone's got their favorite places to listen. I guess whether it's Spotify, whether it's Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spreaker, Castbox, Stitcher.

I'm trying to think how many I can remember off the top of my head without actually looking. Luminary, Owl, is it Owl TV? There's Podberry, is it Blueberry? Yeah Blueberry or Blueberry. There's lots, there's lots of them.

I'm also on Amazon Music and Audible as well. You can listen to my podcast there. In fact I just want to check, I kind of got myself interested now.

I hate it when it happens. I really don't like being interested in things. It's so annoying.

Let me have a look. Okay right, that's what I'm looking for. So sauces, not sauces and tomato sauce, but sauces as in.

Just looking to see what ones. Yeah Apple Podcasts is the top. Spotify, next then Castbox.

Just for me, not for the world but for my audience, Apple's at the top. 86% of my audience listen on Apple Podcasts. 4% listen on Spotify.

I find that amazing because I know loads of people have told me that they listen to me on Spotify. Castbox 2%, Stitcher and everything after them, what I mentioned is 1% or less. So Podcast Addict, Overcast, Podbean, Amazon Music, iTunes, iHeart Radio, TuneIn Radio, Google Podcasts, Player FM, Audible, VLC, I don't know what VLC is, Generic Android App, Firefox, Spreaker, Podcast Republic, Pocket Casts and others.

Let me see if it can be a bit more specific. That doesn't make sense. I don't think these stats are right you know because it's saying that I'm getting 0% on Player FM or iHeart Radio or Amazon Music.

But before I was, so what's changed? Let's go to yesterday. I can't help it, sorry. All my troubles seem so far away.

Wow. So according to this, 0% on Amazon Music. I was getting 0% on Amazon Music.

But actually I had 60 downloads on Amazon Music. 19,134 Apple Podcasts, Spotify 446. That's a small amount compared to Apple isn't it? Castbox 446 again, Amazon Music 60.

So it's saying 0% is wrong isn't it? If I'm getting people listening. So last 30 days, again it's saying 0% for Apple Podcasts. Now last 30 days, oh excuse me.

Last 7 days, last 30 days I want. That's it. So yeah the last week is September 69,000 Apple Podcasts, 1,683 Spotify.

Let's look at, I just want to look at Amazon that's all. Amazon Music it says 0%. Amazon Music 185, the week before that 405, 353, 438 the week before that, 363 the week before that.

It's gone down, blimey. But now that's on the 20th of December so that's just the last three days. That's why, see, see.

That's why. So from the 23rd of August to the 30th then the 30th to the 6th of September and then to the 13th of September and the 20th of September until now which is this third. And today's not even finished yet.

So last week I had 78,212 Apple Podcast downloads and so far this week and it's been three days, four days, 69,000. So it's a better week. But like even Pocket Casts, let's have a look, 87 downloads this week.

So far 115 last week, 161 the week before. So why are they saying that it's 0%? That don't make sense, me old mugga. That don't make sense at all.

Anyway, I want to say hello to Molly. She sent me a message saying that she's doing well and everything because she had a baby a little while ago and I did post a podcast with a picture of a baby on the podcast I do believe, if I remember rightly. It's a couple of weeks back and with the title Molly's had a baby.

I think that was the correct title I think. And I just sent her a message saying how you doing and she says tired and all that but still listens to my podcasts but listens without the headphones now because she needs to be able to hear a baby boy you know. Because I imagine he's probably next to the bed in a, not in a tent, in a, I don't know what baby's sleeping, in cribs or I don't know, you know baby beds, little baby beds.

And Molly says that she plays the podcast like out loud, you know, so without headphones and I'm boring a little boy to sleep. So this is a shout out to little baby Molly or Molly's little baby who's yet to be named. And I keep saying Jason's a great name but no one seems to be taking me seriously.

It's a brilliant name. Why wouldn't everyone want to call their kid Jason? I mean you can say oh yeah I'm biased. You don't want to say I even, I forget that that's my name.

I like the name, I like the name so much. I don't, I forget, I don't even think about it being my name. I just am a big fan of that name, always was.

I remember sitting in me, in me dad's balls, talking to my six billion brothers and sisters and saying you know what, because we used to just chat and you know sort of who, what name do you want to be and I kept saying Jason. And at least 800 million of my brothers agreed. They said yeah Jason's a good name, we go for that.

And I don't know, I think there's about 7,000 of the girls actually would like to be called Jason as well. I said that's, but that's a, it's a man, it's a boy's name, it's not a girl's name. And they said no things are different now.

I said what do you mean? He said I'm non-bile. I said what? She said they settled non-bile. And then one of the other sisters said no it's non-binary.

And everyone laughed. But yeah it's, they were good times, good times. Hiding secrets quite difficult.

Just numbers, it's very difficult, it's quite complicated. Getting to sleep, I think that's why babies, the first thing they do when they're born really is they just want to sleep. You're knackered, you don't get any sleep when you're in a pen with billions of brothers and sisters.

Chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter all the time. No, no rest. So now some people think oh you've been in the tummy for nine months or whatever and this must be easy.

No, with all, okay in the tummy maybe, but you know I just realized what I was talking about. But before you you know get to that point, it's not restful because you're producing limbs and heart and the brain and there's a lot of work goes into that. You try and do that and get any sleep.

You try and create a whole body with all the organs, all the bones, everything working the way it does. You try and put that together in just nine months and also get a good night's sleep. Ain't gonna happen.

Don't lie to yourself, ain't gonna happen. So when a baby's born, you're tired. You know you've created this body, you've done all this work, you're tired, you need your rest.

So that's why we sleep so much when we're born. I like to impart knowledge to people. I think it's important to spread the intellectuality of people.

I got bored of myself then. So yeah, it's uh that's weird. You see I always find it weird the idea of like children or little babies listening to me.

It just might sound, just seems weird. Because I can't imagine really anybody wanting to listen to me. It's, I know it might sound like a strange thing to come from a podcaster who, let's face it, I devote my life to this really, to still be a little bit, why would anyone want to listen? But generally I'm not, I don't really understand it because it's boring.

It's, I know it's supposed to be boring, but it's, why, why, why, why? I don't understand it. I'm grateful, don't get me wrong, and perhaps I shouldn't mention what I just said. Maybe I should just like, you know, be pretend and say of course people listen because it's great, it's a wonderful thing.

But generally that's like, I just, I'm not sure. This is a bit strange isn't it? What I'm doing is a bit, like I nitchy neck. My flexibility isn't that great.

I've struggled to get my hand all the way, not just to the, the back of my neck where the hair kind of ends, and, but I'm talking about the back which is like further down or closer to the middle of my shoulder blades I guess, but not that far down. But I don't know if it's my flexibility or I'm just too damn muscular. I'm not sure.

I'm going to go with flexibility issues, if I'm honest. I mean there's a little bit of muscle there, but I don't think, I mean it could be fat I suppose. Maybe the fat's getting in the way.

I don't know. I mean it's hard to believe that I have any fat, but that's just the voice isn't it? I think I've got a voice of a quite a slim person. And I'm really not.

I'm huge. I'm so big. In fact, um, I've been stuck in this chair for six years.

I say how fat I am. Honestly I can't get out. Talk about being fat and having no reason understanding why I am overweight.

I've got some chips today. They're like English chips, you know, fried potato slices, whatever you want to call them. And there's a chip van that comes around every week.

So I get there. I just, you know, I was hungry and I hadn't eaten. All I'd had all day really was toast.

I had some breakfast cereal at about 6.30. I had some biscuits at about 10 with a cup of tea. And then I had some toast at about five. And that was it.

That's all I've eaten all day. And I had a couple of, I got some chips and I had a couple of chip sandwiches. And that's kind of been my food for the day.

Um, kind of run out of stuff to be fair. But yeah, it's okay. I'll get some shopping at some point.

But anyway, I went to the chip van. Ordered my chips, just a small portion of chips. £2.50, the man asked.

£2.50? I said, I said, I just wanted a small packet. He said, yeah it is. And then one of the other customers pointed out on the menu on the side of the van, it's £2.50. And the bloke in the van said, look, it says £2.50. Like, okay, bloody gang up on me.

I said, uh, but it was £2 last time I was here. So to put the price up by 25%. Of course, I had to get, get my calculator out to work that one out.

But it's a 25% increase. That's a lot, isn't it? For anything to just suddenly go up by 25%. And I don't even eat hardly any of the chips.

I probably only eat 25% of the chips. And I've gone to them in the past saying, give me a half portion. But you'll pay full price.

He says, you'll pay full price. I think it's from Germany. And I said, yeah, yeah.

And he said, you'll pay at full price. £2, £2. I said, okay, all right, mate.

It's like, yeah, just chill out, chill out. And he said, but then he seemed to get annoyed. Like, why you have half? Why you have? Why? I said, I'll pay the full price.

I don't care. Will you have full, full serving then? I said, no, I don't want the full serving. I don't like throwing food away.

Well, eat then, you'll eat it. No, you don't understand. I don't eat large portions of food.

Never have. Probably never will. I just don't.

I'm not a big eater. I eat small portions of food. I'm a slow eater.

And I eat quite slow portions, quite slow portions, small portions. He said, I don't want to know your history. Just eat the bloody thing.

I was like, no, I don't want to know. Go away. Leave.

You're barred. You're banned. You go away.

I was like, come on, man. After all we've been through, after all we've been through together, you're going to be like this with me? Come on. So we had a little hug made up.

But 25% and then I didn't make a big fuss about it. I just like, what? 25% and I'm talking about it. And I hear them talking in their language, whatever language they were talking inside the van and they were laughing.

A little bit of paranoia popped up in my head. Like, are you laughing at me? You laughing at me? You laughing at me? I don't see anyone else around. It must be me you're laughing at.

But I don't know. It's hard to tell. I don't speak the language, wherever they're from.

I don't know. I don't speak French or whatever. They weren't even nice.

And then I get stuck talking to my neighbor. And he's talking about politics. Like, oh, shh.

Going on about American politics. Well, I'm not American. I live in England.

Why would I be bothered about American politics? Oh, but it's important. Not to me. It's like, yeah, but America is going to go bankrupt.

That's what he kept going on about. I said, well, what's that got to do with me? I'm not interested in people's countries. I said, look, I don't care what you do in your flat.

And what I do in my flat is my business. That's how I, that's how I view other countries. It's their business, what they do.

My business, what I do in my country. And he was getting angry. And he said, oh, but, but Biden, Biden's this and Biden, he's going to ruin the country.

I said, so? And he was going angry. I said, listen, they've been saying that about every single president that's ever been, I think, in my lifetime, apart from Reagan, maybe. Oh, they're going to ruin the country.

He's ruining the country. He's going to ruin. America's still there.

It takes more than a president to destroy a country. You know, it's just like, come on, just like the prime minister, we've, we've got the, the wackiest prime minister, who struggles to even put a sentence together. It honestly is a bumble.

It's a bumbling bumble bee, bumbler. Yeah, he became prime minister. And usually the way that works in this country is people vote against what they need.

So people will vote for the conservatives, the Tories, the people that vote for them, quite often are people that need what Labour are offering, but they won't vote for Labour. It's that kind of, yes, it's, it's almost like vegetarians voting or like picketing an abattoir that's about to close down. Vegetarians said no, we need it to stay open.

It's that kind of probably not going to happen to be fair, but not a good example, probably. But I don't care. I'm pleased with the example.

I'm sticking to it because that's my political stance. I stick to anything. And I would not under any circumstances, take on any new information that may go against my limited little brain.

That's my, that's my political stance. I think it's just, and I was saying to my neighbour about, you know, why are you so worried about America? It's not our country. Why focus on this country? Look at what's going on here.

There's way, there's more than enough to get excited about happening here for us to start worrying about any other country. You know, we've got so much going on here. Petrol, petrol stations are starting, some of them are closing down because they've got no petrol to hand out.

Not a shortage of petrol, but shortage of lorry drivers, apparently. And the, what else is it? There's not going to be any turkeys for Christmas because again, uh, supermarket stores are now becoming short of food. The shelves are getting emptied and they're not going to have enough stuff for Christmas.

They were talking about this months ago. You know, there won't be any presents for the children. I celebrated that.

I don't care. I'm not a child. I don't have any children.

Couldn't care. Which is good. It's like, you might as well say to me that the, the Mongolian goat is not going to be able to produce any milk this winter.

It'll be fine next year, but it won't be able to produce any milk, the Mongolian goat. That's the level of my interest in whether or not there's enough toys for children. I mean, come on, there was enough toys already.

You know, it's like, yeah, but you wouldn't say that if you was a child, would you? Well, no, I didn't even know if I didn't even know anything about Mongolian goats when I was a child. No, I'm not talking about the Mongolian goats bit. You made that bit up anyway.

Yeah, all right. I did. That's true.

It's in the category of being made up, which is 92% of the podcast. Making stuff up, lying, blatantly lying. Well, it's not really a lie, is it? If, if I say it, it's not a lie, because you just have to assume that I'm making it up.

Therefore, it's not a lie. If it's a shared exaggeration, or a shared silly thing that I said, then it's not a lie, is it? A lie would be me saying that the podcast is doing really well. And oh, no, I just broke the rule.

Yeah, I did get 14, 14 downloads a day. But by telling people that I'm getting 20,000 a day. I think, well, you know, it sounds good.

It goes well on a podcast. And it just sounds like I'm doing all right. You mean you're lying? No, you're a liar.

No, actually, I get more than 20,000 a day. I'm much more successful than that. I get million, two and a half million a day.

Hmm, don't you know? I've got, what was I going to say? I was going to say something. But it's not what it was that I was going to say. I can't remember.

I just don't. There's something about people who have political views and they get so stuck with those views. Whether it's political or religious or just generally anything, any kind of.

I'm not sure, I'm not sure how to explain it. And I'd like to use the word dumb, but this is a bit cruel. I just.

To me, a dumb person isn't isn't because of their views, or sometimes I guess you could say is their views, but people that are unable to even hear an opposite view. To me, that's a little bit dumb. I think.

And I realize I'm talking about probably 95% of the population, so no offense. It's just, I'm not saying people are dumb that do that, just it just seems a little bit dumb to me. I'm not saying you are dumb, you just seem dumb.

And I'm sure I'm like that with some things as well. You know, some things in my mind, if you used to say certain crimes, it's OK, really. Maybe it's not a bad thing.

You know, I would argue and say no, it's a bad thing. Shut up, go away. You know, some things I'm not ever going to back down on and I will.

And why I left to me, that's just that's it. Though you can't argue with me that there's certain things are just wrong. Simple as that, and I ain't going to back down from that.

But I don't have those strong views about things like politics or things to do with conspiracy theories or to do with other people's countries. See, for me, you know, going back to America, for me, what happened to America is as interesting to me as what happens in Poland or what's happening in Mongolia, if there's a place like that, or what's happening in Denmark or in Ethiopia or Russia or Denmark. I can't think of any other countries.

There must be others. Germany or Thailand. It's like these are different countries.

They're not my country. I mean, this isn't my country either. But it's where I live, it's where I was born and I've lived here most of my life.

Oh, my itchy neck. So it's none of my business what's going on in other people's countries. None of my business.

And if you show me film footage of something horrible going on in other people's countries, that's just, like, frustrating because I can't do anything about that. I can't. Well, you should, you should get politically active.

Yeah, but in reality, I mean, how long has amnesty been around? You know, how many years is amnesty? What are human rights? How? What have they actually done? Like China, for example. I think China is brilliant. I don't believe anything bad about them.

But they've got a little bit of a reputation when it comes to human rights. Russia, brilliant. Love Russia.

I think Russia are great. A little bit of a reputation when it comes to human rights. America, England.

So I don't really get into politics. I can argue, I can argue about anything. But I like hearing.

I said I'm an observer of an observer. I like hearing people talk about a subject and have completely opposing views. And I find myself not really siding with either.

Usually, I mean, there's certain aspects of some things are just so blatantly obvious. You know, sort of, for example, when the government have lied about something. And then it's been proven that they've lied.

In some cases, they even admit that they lied. Yet, their supporters will not accept that they've lied, even though it's you'd have to be really unintelligent to see what's happened. It's not hidden.

This is like in the public domain. This is stuff that's been done to manipulate society. And it's been proven and it's been you know, something sometimes, some cases, even court cases have come up from it.

But those who support that, that group or that political party or whatever, will still stick with them. And I struggle a little bit with that. Where's the learning? Where's the learning that comes from that? You know, if I bash my knees, I put these desks up last week, in the in the way they are now, it's very nice.

And it's this is my office space and my recording space. And I'm pretty pleased with what I've done here. Now, if I bashed my leg on the side of the desk, as I got out, you know, the first time it happened, I'd be like, Oh, that's annoying.

The second time, I'd start looking like, well, this isn't working. And I'll change the chair around. I'll give my legs a bit more room.

I'll move closer to the microphone. That's better. I'll move the mic a little bit, you might hear a little bit of noise.

Now, eventually, and it wouldn't take long, you know, maybe one more time, I'd bang my leg, and that would be it. I would move the desk either further to the right, out further out, further in, upside down, whatever. In order to correct that situation, I wouldn't just leave it there.

I definitely wouldn't argue that that's where it should be. That's where it should be. You know, it's in the right place, I need to find a way of getting around it without banging my leg.

Well, no, you just move the desk. Ain't that complicated, really it's not. Yeah, I don't think I'll be any good at politics.

Apart from not being, well, I am interested in it, I'd lie if I said I wasn't interested, because I do watch political programs, and the news is pretty much one of the only TV programs I watch. And I listen to debates on the radio a fair bit about politics and all kinds of stuff. And I enjoy that because it's educational, because of people arguing.

What's that noise? Sounds like, like that. The people arguing on the radio usually have knowledge that I didn't have. It does sometimes need a bit of fact checking.

But it's like, oh, I didn't know that. With the lorry, the lorry shortage, or lorry driving shortage that we have in this country, and maybe in other countries as well. Some people are saying it was because of Brexit.

Now, that's partly the reason. A lot of non-English people left the country after the Brexit result. And some possibly had to leave, some had to jump through hoops to stay and decided to leave.

And, and possibly, you know, quite a few of those were lorry drivers. So they were gone. So lorry drivers shortage from there.

What I didn't realize is another part of it was that the, a lot of people have retired, a lot of lorry drivers have retired. But they weren't replaced by new lorry drivers. Partly because perhaps people don't want to do that job anymore.

It's not a popular job to have anymore. For me, it'd be perfect, because I'm a solitary person. I can't think of anything better, I don't drive, but if I did, I can't think of anything better than driving a long distance with a radio playing or an audiobook, you know, sending me to sleep.

With a wind in my hair, obviously, I'd have to have to break the windscreen for that. But it's, it's like, I imagine that must be a great job. That's the kind of job I would enjoy.

And I've, for the life of me, I don't know why I didn't go and do that. I could have done. I'm not too old now.

Am I? I'm probably not, you know. I'll prove, because think about it, I could get, I could go to train, I'd have to get a driving license first. So I'd probably have to have a driving license for at least a year or two before applying to train as a lorry driver.

And then that's another maybe year and a half. So let's say I'll be 55. I can't retire till I'm about 68.

So that's 13 years of being a lorry driver that I could enjoy doing. I don't think it's as well paid as it used to be. There's limits on the hours, the limits on the mileage that there wasn't 30 years ago.

I used to work in a haulage firm, and the hours they did was phenomenal. They had these tapograph things, and that's, and you work out how many miles they've done and blah, blah, blah. I didn't really, it was like, it was like, I'm laughing away.

Why it was, do you remember those games, those Spyros, that click, click things? What are they called? They'd be like these round things, and you'd use different colored pens, and you make all these different shapes. Spiroclectic, Spiral something. It's a long time ago, it might still be around now, I don't know.

I mean Buckaroo, I bought Buckaroo for my goddaughter in about 2002, 2001, because I used to love playing it when I was a kid. I did, Buckaroo, I did, but I used to get nervous, because you know, after a certain point, you know it's going to just bug, because you took the saddle off, or you took the whatever bits off. At the beginning I was fine, because usually it didn't Buckaroo too early on, but after a certain point, it's like, oh my nerves would get a bit frayed, and like, the rest of me would get a bit afraid as well.

I was basically afraid, I was very scared, I was like, it's going to Buckaroo in a minute, it used to make me jump, it did, even though I knew it was going to happen, it would make me jump. It'd be like the old jack-in-the-boxes, even though, you know, you'd put the, you'd put it down, you'd put the lid down, you'd wind it up, you knew what it was going to do. Even some of them, even let you know when it was going to do it, because the music would slow down, and then you'd hear click, click, click, click, click, click, and you knew it was going to jump up, still made me jump, still, honestly.

And what else? Oh yeah, I got the Buckaroo for Bob, or whatever her name was. I could not believe how flimsy it was, it was crappy plastic, really, like, you could just snap it, it was really rubbish, and it was, it weren't cheap either, probably 20 quid, absolute rubbish. When I was a kid, you could actually ride the thing, you could sit on it and ride it around the house, it was sturdy, and it was a real horse, and you don't get that anymore, so it's just, everything seems to be just not like it used to be, because I'm old, nothing's like it used to be.

Kaplunk. I bought Kaplunk for the girls, again, about the same time, and even the plastic sticks were thin, yeah, I mean, you could use them as toothpicks, they were that thin, but the old ones are more like knitting needles. So you got this Kaplunk, the marbles would pretty much just, like, slip through anyway, because they were so thin and weak, or they'd just snap them, the marbles just laughed, you pulled them up, the marbles laughed at the, uh, was it, did they have marbles in Kaplunk?

I forget now, but anyway, frustration's another one, wait, it just, it just didn't have the same strength, because you could just push it, and it clicked, and the dice rolled, or whatever, you know, the, because it used to, didn't, yeah, frustration would have the, the plastic dome with the dice, and you click, you push down, and it would shake, and stir the dice, you know, shake the dice for you.

Now, when I was a kid, me and my brothers all had to push on it at the same time, it was so stiff, seriously, it was made of steel, solid steel, it was, and it was in the middle of the room, and that's the one game that my parents didn't moan about not being put away, because no one could carry it, it was too heavy, in fact, when we moved out of the house, we left it there, it's still there now, and so I, was that another lie, maybe, maybe baby, that was a lie, what

else, what other games, I don't know, I used to play, I used to quite like playing Monopoly, it is boring and pointless, but hey, if we, if we discount things that are boring and pointless in life, you know, we'd be limiting ourselves, wouldn't we, I mean, you wouldn't be listening to this, I wouldn't be making this, so, you know, I think boring and pointless, we need to keep that, uh, keep that, we need to grasp it and love it, um, that sounded weird, grasp it and love it, so, yeah, Monopoly, I quite liked, I didn't

like, what was that game with the, the dagger and the, um, you know, the crime game, crime, what was it called, it's kind of like a whodunit thing, well, I didn't like that, I just don't think that's a topic for fun, never have, never just like these murders she wrote, no, it's not, that's not entertainment, murder is not entertainment, how could that be family entertainment, it's the worst thing you could ever do to a person, how could, so, yeah, I'm not, although I used to watch it, I used to love it, but forgetting that aspect

of it, it's like now, like, nah, because I'm moral now, I have, I'm morally superior, Monopoly was quite good, I just, maybe I did like the idea of owning property, and maybe I not really pursued that part of me, the part of me that perhaps is a bit of a business person, maybe, if you heard a weird noise there, that was me about to belch, but I pressed it on pause, so you didn't have to hear it, although you missed out, it was wonderful, very exciting, Cluedo, was it actually called Cluedo?

It was, wasn't it, Cluedo, that's the one with the dagger and the Mrs Marvel or Mrs Mop or whatever, yeah, Monopoly, that was quite a chill out game, especially drinking some wine and stuff, that's what I used to do when I was 10, so that was alright, that was more of a Christmas time though, Christmas game, having a break from the presents, you know, just like, let's, let's just do this, let's just chill out for a couple of hours, there was no chilling out with my family, I had three brothers, it was just annoying the

whole time, it really was, I had 15 annoying years, it was, I know some people, oh, got a family, oh, brilliant like that, I didn't enjoy having, having brothers, I think I should have been an only child, in fact I felt like an only child sometimes, because, always like playing the victim, me, always like to feel sorry for myself, now I was, I was very more solitudial, I used to like to, just sit and read, watch television on my own, if at all possible, I class things like watching television, reading, things like that, the same

as doing a poo, I don't need company, thanks, don't need company for that, don't need anyone around, quite happy to do it on my own, thank you very much, thanks for the offer, but please leave, yeah, if you ain't gonna lend a hand, get out of the bathroom, bathroom, why do you call it a bar, it's not a bathroom, it's a toilet, okay, good, we sorted that out, I'm glad we've done that, don't ever call a toilet a bathroom, it's not, it's a toilet, you don't call a kitchen a lounge, do you, huh, hey, you

don't call a train a boat, so don't call a toilet a kitchen, a kitchen a bathroom, call a bathroom a bathroom, a bathroom, and to be fair, the bathroom doesn't have to have a bath in it, can have a shower in it, that's fine, but it's not a shower room, I don't care, I think we can be flexible on that one, you know, if it's the main place where you wash yourself, then it can be called a bathroom, I think, but what if you wash yourself in the gutter, what a weird thing to ask, so

yeah, just, just educational, this is what this is about, it's not a bathroom, if you're in a restaurant, don't, don't go to the, the maitre d' or the, the waiter or waitress or anyone and say, excuse me, can you tell me where the bathroom is, where's the toilet, or I need a big poo, can you please point me in the right place for me to get rid of my poo, you know, just in England, if you're, if you're from another country, if you're listening to this, which I know people are from other countries, you know,

I'm all here about helping, I'm all about the help and about being useful, so if you're in England, we don't use the term bathroom, but we don't use the term toilet either, okay, we call it the poo room or the poo chamber, so say, can you, so if you're in a restaurant or, you know, anywhere public, can you please tell me where the poo chamber is, and they'll know exactly what you mean, okay, and if you, if you see any police with weapons, because especially in airports and that, they're around, especially they've got guns and

stuff, what you do, if you need to, if you need a toilet, they're the best, best people to ask, because they know the layout of the land, and so you can go up to and say, excuse me, can you help me please officer, can you tell me please where the, where the oink oink poo room is, and because it's the secret, it's different in airports, you see, they're called oink oink poo rooms, not poo palaces or poo paradise or whatever it is I said, but they're called oink oink poo rooms, but you need to ask

someone, you know, a police or something, because they're the best people, it's part of their job description is to point people in direction where they can do a poo, that's, in fact, that's probably 95 percent of their work, that's the main training they get, and the rest is being rude to the public, that's, that's quite a bit of training as well, but, so just repeat after me, if you're from another country, and you're in the airport, or maybe, I don't know, some public place, maybe a train station even, there's, there's lots of police there, usually

the big, big train stations like Euston, or um, I'm trying to think, Waterloo, uh, I was gonna say New Cross, Liverpool Street, so there's a few, you know, big train stations in London, and again, the same thing, excuse me officer, can you please tell me where the, where the oink oink poo room is, or can you please show me directions to the oink oink poo room, and they'll be very courteous, courteous, courteous to you, and they'll do their best to help.

Another thing that you might not know about this, uh, in England is, there's kind of a dating thing that happens here, we don't sort of, we're not as blatant of like, oh you're nice, or anything like that, or we don't give telephone numbers out, um, all you do is, if you, if you, if you like someone, you think they might like you, what you do is, you stop, stop in front of them, kneel down, and you kiss their shoes, that shows them that you like them, that's like a tradition in England, that's what we do,

um, you won't get this in a guidebook, for some reason, so this is useful information, so if you're on holiday, before you, you're planning to come on holiday here, whether you're from wherever, Mauritius, or Canada, Australia, New Zealand, um, Afghanistan, um, although I think you all hear that now, don't you, according to the news, blimey, everyone's here, the whole of Afghanistan, they're having babies, just so they can come and immigrate here, no they're not, stop it, stop being so silly, please, you BBC people, BBC, no, not BBC, as in, you see on the adult sites,

not that BBC, I'm talking about the British Broadcasting Corporation, I like watching the BBC, really, I thought you liked women, no, I'm not talking about the BBC on the adult websites, I'm talking about the television news, how many times have I got to explain this to you, about 42, please, 42 times should be adequate, nice, that's useful, so I'm trying to think what other useful things for people on holiday, so I'm just trying to help, everything I do is about helping, me, you know, I just want to, I just want to be of use, I

want to be, I want to be of service, you know, what other things, for men out there, that are interested in meeting an English woman, something that really impresses English women, okay, so wherever you're from, it doesn't matter, even if you don't speak the language, it's, it's not really, you only got to remember, like two words, okay, or three words, and the rest is physical, so if you come over here, and you see a woman that you like, this is the thing that impresses most, I don't know why, it's just a traditional thing, it's been

going on for thousands of years, so you stand in front of them, but not too far, you don't like getting, you don't impinge on people's personal space, but you, um, your distance, maybe a hundred yards away, maybe 50 yards away, but enough so they can see you, but in order for them to know it's you that you're focusing on, you need to carry around a really large foam hand, so you can point at them, and keep it in your backpack, that's fine, but just have it handy, handy, and what you do next is, and it's,

it's good, I've got a video, check it out on my website, on how you do this, it's basically, it's a bunch of karate moves, so you do a kick, do a punch in the air, and you go, oh yeah, like that, like Miss Piggy from Muppet Show, if you remember back in, like 100 years ago, hiya, and then what you do is, you look at her, the person you like, say, I'm a karate, that's it, I'm a karate, I'm a karate, or I do karate, and then you just stand still like a statue, with the

foam hand pointing towards her, and your left hand, finger pointing towards your left knee, and you might ask, why the left knee?

I would say to you, does it matter? Really, does it matter? Is that the thing you're going to pull me up on? Out of that whole story, out of that whole advice, that's the one thing you're going to, like, well, I don't understand about the left, pointing at the left knee, the rest of it was sound, it seemed like a really good idea, and obviously very logical, and I'm going to put it into practice, but I can't get my head around the left, pointing at the left knee, don't get me that bit.

Yeah, okay, so I'm going to go, but I'd like to try and think of some other ideas, so maybe, maybe tomorrow, I'll think of some other useful tips for people coming to the good, wonderful shores of England to visit, especially if it's your first time, because, you know, if you've been here before, you know that I'm lying, so hopefully, if it's your first time, you might believe what I'm saying, and it'd be great, it would be really, really, really great, if you follow my advice.

In fact, what I might do is write a book, you know, tips for tourists. You know what, that's not a bad idea, it's not a good idea, but it's not terrible, well, it is terrible, but it's not awful, well, it's kind of awful, it's not the worst idea ever, I think it's fair to say that, it's not the worst idea ever, there has been worse ideas, I can't think of any, but I'm pretty sure there have been, and on that positive note, I'm going to go, so thank you very much for listening, I hope I've brightened up your day, improved your life, and maybe educated you in some way, helped you to plan your next holiday to England, to make it as fulfilling as possible.

And to make new friends as well, yeah, so I'm going to go, thank you very much for listening and all that, remember to be kind to yourself, because you deserve to be happy, do something nice for yourself today.

Lots of love. Bye.