Read along
Complete transcript
Hello and welcome to let me bore you to sleep. My name is Jason Newland and this is well my website is jasonnewland.com and I've done the introduction all back to front. So oh yeah only listen, only listen when you can safely close your eyes.
So I thought I would do a live broadcast as well, again a live stream on Facebook. In fact I'm gonna have to take my glasses off again because the light is shining, the light is shining my friend. Let me move the microphone a bit closer that's it, a little bit closer, that's better.
So it's a little bit later in the evening than it was yesterday so there's a good chance that I'm not going to have anyone listening because I think in the UK a lot of people would be in bed and in the other parts maybe America people would be at work. So yeah I think so it'll be about nine o'clock in the morning I think now in America I think. I might be wrong, I don't care, I don't care, I can't, I can't look at my phone because I'm using my phone to record innit.
Yeah I'm using my phone to record. Usually within a few seconds I have people coming on here but now nothing, there's no one on Facebook. Facebook is empty, it's like my brain, it's empty my friend, it's empty.
So yeah, hey, hi, whoa, yeah. Anyway I hope you're well. This is my second day doing tidying up of my home.
I say my home, well yeah my home, well I do live here but I'm just thinking it's more room that I've been focusing on but I did vacuuming. Well basically today, yesterday I tidied, I got rid of some stuff from the storage room, I got rid of some stuff tidied up a bit in here in the living room and then today I tidied up the storage room, did some vacuuming, so I cleared it all out, not all out but made some room and then I vacuumed through the hallway, the bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and living room.
It was like the first part of the vacuuming because by tomorrow there's going to be more vacuuming to do and then when I unpack my other table or my other desk and put that together there's going to be more vacuuming because there's going to be polythene and stuff on the floor.
So there, there you go. So what I've done is I've moved all my hypnosis books on the bookshelf behind me. So I've got a bookshelf behind me, that's that's the one I'm talking about, not the one in front of me but there is one in front of me but you don't know if you can't see it, there's a bookshelf behind me and still got no one watching on Facebook.
I wonder if I've done it on the right page, I don't know doesn't matter really but there's no one here, there's no one, zero, unless there are people but I can't see anyone, it's not showing up that anyone's actually watching so it's good because then I'm not distracted by it so I should ignore the camera. The reason I'm recording the, I'm recording myself making the podcast because then I can I can put that video, upload it to YouTube, that's kind of one of the main reasons. So yeah, oh yes I moved two bookcases because I had three bookcases in this room, one in a hallway, I got rid of the one in the hallway because I was falling apart.
The two, I emptied two of them which was the other side of the room over there, two of my left, and put them into the storage room. It's quite a big storage room, it's not like huge but it's big enough to fit bookcases along the wall so it gives you an idea. It's yeah I could probably fit two bookcases along one wall, one and then another one on either the other side of the walls as well.
Anyway, so I've got two bookcases in there, oh I've got itchy back, and I then removed all the books that weren't hypnosis books and put them on the bookshelves in the storage room so the bookcases are full of books and a few other bits and stuff. And I've only left the hypnosis books on a bookcase behind me. There's also a small bookcase under the punch bag which is perfect, it fits just underneath so it's such a good fit.
Now I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of the stuff because I'm thinking of moving the settee to the other side of the wall. But I don't know how that's going to work out if I'm honest. I don't think it will, I don't think it's, yeah I don't think it's going to work out.
I don't know, I don't know, I'm not sure, sure. I could do with a little bit more room or ideally cut the settee in half because I don't want two seats, no one comes, I don't, unless it's, oh there is someone, hello. Eight minutes and someone arrives, I don't know who it is though, it's not telling me.
This is weird, the screen isn't showing who's coming to the thing, there's no messages or anything coming up. Normally there is, normally there's a few more people, normally there's, it tells me who's joined but then they're gone now. Didn't like you anyway, don't know who it was, if it is someone that likes what I do.
I love you, I love you very much, yes. So try to figure out where to put the new, well they're both new desks, but one's up which is, I'm at it now. Any other one, I don't know where I'm going to put it, I'm either going to put it against the wall over there, or put it against the other wall, or put it back different way.
Head to head with the one I've got now, so just be the other side of the table. So if there was someone sitting in the chair opposite me, they could see me, which is a really silly statement. Of course they could see me, unless there was like a desk divider of course.
So yeah, I'm just getting there, getting there slowly. Oh yeah, I'd like to just have one seat, one recliner. I've got a double, something my friend gave it to me, so it's a big old thing, it's heavy, oh so heavy.
But it's two, it's a settee that reclines, both seats recline separately. However, unless I was in a relationship with somebody, a romantic relationship, that's the only way I'd have someone sitting next to me. There'd be no other reason.
I mean, if someone comes up and wants to talk to me, I can't have them sitting next to me. I have to sit the other side of the room, so I can see them, you know what I mean. And plus I'd have to keep a distance, I don't want people close to me.
It's got nothing to do with the coronavirus, I just, I don't want people like right close to me, just why, why would you want to? I mean, that's why I don't wash, so people keep away. Oh dear, that's wrong. And so, one seat, one recliner would be better, because then that would cut the space in half that I'm using, because I'm using two seats when I only need one seat.
What's the point in that? There isn't, there isn't, is there? There ain't no point. I thought it was a good idea at the time. Because I had a date with someone and she came here and she spent the whole evening sitting on the chair with me.
So she was like perched on the, the arm of this reclining chair. Then eventually she was sitting on my lap. She didn't want to sit on my lap, she just got fed up sitting on the, on the thing.
And I think she forgot, to be fair, because my legs are so bony, that I think she actually thought she was still sitting on the, the armrest. Because my, she thought, I'm gonna say she thought she was touching wood. No, but you know what I mean, isn't the, this, oh forget it, forget it.
So hello whoever's watching on Facebook. I'm thinking I might start streaming live to Instagram. And when I'm able to, possibly stream live to YouTube.
But that won't be for probably a few months, because I have to have a thousand subscribers on my channel. And because it's pretty much a new, well it's a three-year-old channel, but I've made no effort really to gain any subscribers. Because I just haven't, I've been focusing on the podcasts.
So now I've uploaded it's pretty much all of my podcast episodes onto YouTube. And I'm at like 538 subscribers, 540 yesterday. So it's going down, going the wrong way man.
Oh well, I'm not that bothered. But it's now at a point where I can start maybe uploading videos again. Which will grow the channel.
And then once I get to a thousand subscribers, and I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm not far off the amount of hours, viewing hours, just to to become a partner in YouTube. Partner. We're gonna get married, I'm gonna marry YouTube.
Yeah, I'm gonna marry, we're gonna get married. We're going to Gretna Green, we're gonna get married. So I don't know.
Once I do that, hopefully that'll open up the facility for me to do live streams on YouTube. Which means I will just use a different, a different device. So I've got my phone, then I'll just use, I don't know, laptop or something to stream.
Possibly won't be the best quality picture, but I think it's okay with a live stream for it not to be perfect. I mean this isn't perfect, it's quite low light. Looks quite good for me because you can't see me so well.
But it's a live stream, so I'm okay with that. I think, and it's still a hell of a lot better quality than the videos I used to do. Blimey, they was awful.
It was like really bad man. The content was really bad as well. The content was quiet, it was okay.
It was just the quality of the audio and the video. It's like, oh man, that's bad. Yeah, I had an audience, I had subscribers.
People seemed to like what I was doing, kind of ish. I think on my, my best YouTube channel that I had, because I had a few, and I think I had about, according to what people told me, because I forgot, they said I had about 3,000 subscribers. Which I know it's not a lot, but bloody hell it was for me at the time.
And I had a half a million video views, and I was getting out 45,000 video views a month. And it was growing, like every month it was growing more and more. So I'd hit that point where over, yeah, probably over a six month period, it's really started to grow.
From like pretty much nothing to suddenly, even though it wasn't a huge amount, but every time I released a video, I'd have hundreds and hundreds of views of the video. Now I know it's hardly a top level success, I know that. I'm not even pretending.
But I've got a base, I only really compete with myself. So for me, it's like, well I'm competing with how many video views I got last month or last year, not how many PewDiePie or Jake Paul is getting, you know, because that's ridiculous. They'll get more in probably the first minute of releasing one video than I will get, than I probably had in a lifetime.
That's not even an exaggeration, you know, they could easily get like millions in the first few minutes. So I can't, I'm not even, I'm not even attempting to compete with what they do, because I do different things, plus different audience. I mean, I've got, I think most of my audience are probably 93 to 100 age wise, it's about the average audience age for me, about 93.
I'm going to sneeze. Okay, so I just pressed pause in, I realized I sneezed, and then I carried on talking, and I realized I forgot to press the unpause. You miss some really good stuff.
Anyway, on the live broadcast, Rachel, Mr. Rachel said, hi Mr. Rachel. Hi. So someone is watching.
Someone's watching. Here they are. Hey Rachel, I dreamt about you earlier.
I think I did. Don't know what you're doing in my dream. Rachel says, hi, how's your bum? Wow.
It's not the best opening, is it? That's not good. I'm talking about an opening to a conversation. I'm not talking about my bum being not a good opening.
Oh dear. Wrong word, isn't it? You talk about your bum, you don't use the word opening. What I mean is, you know, a conversation starter.
Elizabeth, Rachel, Rachel, Rachel. How's my bum? My bum's fine, thanks. How's your tits? It's only because you like talking about your bum.
Sorry, Rachel. Okay. Yeah, my, I don't like talking about, I've never talked about my bum in my life.
Ever. I don't know where you, where'd you come up with this stuff? I'm a good boy. I've never talked about things like that, ever.
I was brought up proper. I have very good manners. Very good manners.
Talking about my bum. Blimey. Give you an idea how big my ass is.
Right. I'm actually sitting on the floor right now. I'm not sitting on a chair.
I'm sitting on the floor. I'm taller when I sit on the floor than I am when I'm standing up. It's true.
You can't see this, but the ceiling's just about, just above my head. Rachel says, my tits are good. You lie.
I forgot. I didn't think you heard that. I never lie.
I've always been honest to everybody about every single thing. I sat on the toilet. Have you just, you haven't sent me a picture because I can't see anything.
I can just about see the writing. No one's perfect. No, I think, yeah, I think I'm pretty perfect.
I think, I'm a perfect little girl. So what was I saying? Carol. Hi, Carol.
Hi, anyone that's listening. I don't watch in and stuff. So tomorrow I've got some other stuff happening.
Was it Tuesday? It's Wednesday tomorrow. It's Thursday. I need to get myself back in doing the other recordings.
Carol says, oh, I might get some sleep tonight. Thanks. Thanks, Carol.
I will bore you. Bore, you're bored. I'm going to do it.
You're getting sleepy. Carol, you're getting sleepy. You're finding it hard to keep your eyes open.
You're not, you're not driving, I should ask that first. You will find the lamppost moving closer to you. Sleepy, sleep.
You know, I had a friend, right? This is totally true. Talk about, good luck, luck, whatever. He had, he was driving his car.
I think he's in his early 60s now. He's, he's, he's a really amazing bloke. He drove his car.
He had like a seizure. Okay. Or a mini stroke.
They weren't sure. The doctors, to be fair, weren't sure, possibly a mini stroke. So he collapsed unconscious on the motorway, a busy motorway, crashed the car into a tree.
Not a scratch. I think he sprained his wrist. That was it.
Which makes you wonder what he was doing when he was driving. But I don't know what I thought about, but blimey, you couldn't. How did he, he didn't just survive it.
He, he walked out. Plus he was unaware of it because he was unconscious. That's like, wow.
The good thing is he was being tested and everything. Couldn't drive for I think two years. Now he's driving again.
I think he's fine. So yeah. Elizabeth said, Rachel says, I've sent you a photo.
Okay. I can't see any photos. Actually, to be fair, I could just look on the iPad.
Couldn't I? I've been very lazy. Very, very, very lazy. Let me have a look.
What have you sent me? What have you sent me? There's nothing. You ain't sent me now. Don't send me a picture.
Oh, you should. There was no need for that. Right.
Rachel sent me a picture of a toilet. I find that a new message request. Okay.
Oh, okay. I'll read this out from Claire. This is a message I got on Facebook.
I thought it was a friend request. I went in to sort of just check the person because I like to check if the person is a real person before I say yes. So yeah, I mentioned this before.
I get quite a lot of scammers friend request to me. So I had to just check. But this is a legitimate person.
I think she might already be a friend. Claire. She says, Hi, Jason.
I'll be listening to you for many years. Wow. I've been listening to you for many years now.
And I love your let me boy to sleeps. Sometimes you're so funny. I laugh out loud.
Would you ever think of doing stand up again? What's the story of the pink pig in the background of your live stream? Was very sorry about Andre. Thank you. LOL.
I like that. I like that. LOL.
Or as Tony Blair says lots of love. PS don't say my sign name on our air. Okay.
Thank you. So that's Claire Jones from Swansea in Wales. 73 Edmonton Drive.
Telephone number 07943 421 8762 3545 85921. You know what? I normally don't say the surnames of people because I try sometimes. And I kind of, I've mildly progressed over the years because I think I used to say surnames, but now I like okay.
And but why also do is if I'm reading this, if I'm reading out a message, and someone's put personal stuff in there, like really, whether it's like personal medical history, some people do say tell me, you know, quite a lot of stuff in a message. I miss that out. So I miss out anything that's maybe not for public consumption.
Maybe. I feel I've learned from Rachel who's actually on here now. Please can you tell me my telephone number but don't tell anyone I've forgotten it.
Yeah, it's 01723. And then it's 5943428128735. I'm purposely adding extra numbers on just in case.
You know, because apparently, I might be making this up. I think it's true, is you, when there's a drama on television, and there's a telephone number comes up and you know, or they give them a number and they show a telephone number, people actually phone it thinking it's real. And on one show, they used a telephone number, but it was a real telephone number.
But they didn't realize it. And I think it was like a funeral parlor kept being inundated with phone calls from people wanting to order chicken from the Eastenders chicken shop, something like that, you know. Oh, my knee.
And I can't answer the questions from Claire Jones from Swansea. It's not really. Thank you for your message.
I'm glad that you like it. Well, thank you for listening for many years. I mean, you imagine many years.
I mean, just listening for a few weeks is a long time, isn't it? But many is many years. Sometimes Okay, thank you. And I think if I did, so please tell me what's with the sudden lives? Well, you know, I think during the Coronavirus, people were bored, stuck indoors of each other, and probably consummated their relationships and impregnated each other.
And now nine months later, this baby's being born. That's really what is so many lives. Is that what you mean? Are you talking about the live streams? Would you ever think of doing stand up again? I think I'd be better at stand up than I was.
I couldn't be worse. I was pretty rubbish. I still did it for seven years.
Seven years of being rubbish or something. Mind you, you could say I've been doing this for 12 years. No, blimey, it's more than that, isn't it? 2006, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21.
So 16 years nearly I've been doing this. And blimey. So I don't know, I think if I was going to go back, I'd rather do it with an audience that was there to see me.
I might sound egotistical. But hell, it's got to be the best audience there is, isn't it? You know, the idea of going on stage with people that don't know who I am, doing like an open spot for free, or even just being on stage as a paying act. People don't know who I am.
And I don't know, I think if I went on and performed to people that knew, well not performed, just talked to people that kind of follow me anyway, or listen to what I do. I think that's probably the best audience for me. Rachel says, you are so talented at talking to yourself.
You've got no idea. I talk to myself when I'm on my own, all the time. I'm in the kitchen actually having conversations that I should have had years ago.
I like reenact and I just, it's weird. I think if I was hearing this, if I was a neighbor hearing me, I perhaps would be a bit concerned for my safety. Who is this person? He's talking to himself and he puts on squeaky voices when he's making his toast.
What's he up to? He's so weird. So Rachel, you're the only one talking to me. Who, there's other people listening or watching on Facebook.
Thanks Claire, thank you. That's very kind of you. Cheers.
I'll send you a message. Cheers. I'm trying to look at your Facebook page, but it won't allow me to.
That's annoying. Right, before we go any further, I want to send regards and lots of love, maybe you can join me in this one, to Ed Edini, or Edini basically. He's at the Portsmouth Regional Hospital.
Let me see how he's getting on. Okay, he's back now. He's there to have a bladder scan.
He's out now, but he's actually got leukemia on top of, well, he's got leukemia. I mean, blimey, that's enough, isn't it? But he's also got other health problems as well. But like myself, he's got bipolar, diagnosed with that.
He's a hypnotist. So check him out on YouTube, Edini, E-D-D-I-N-I. I actually did an interview with him about two years ago.
But yeah, he's very unwell at the moment, so I'm wishing him all the best. What did he say? Okay, Rachel says, me too, but not for a whole hour. What, you haven't been to the toilet for a whole hour? What are you talking about? What are you talking about, Rachel? Does anyone want to know what my stats are? That's the ghost of Andre.
The stats for today is 11,266. There you go. I'm just brushing my teeth, says Carol.
You know what I watched today? I don't know if you've ever heard of it. It's again, I don't know if it's an English thing, or British thing, or if it was a worldwide thing. I don't know.
Captain Pugwash. Now, the reason I looked at it is because I think it was either on television or it was advertising the new, you know, the new, oh yeah, no, what it was, was on Britbox. Captain Pugwash re, I don't know, re-edited or cleaned up and made to look better.
But I noticed the first things is, oh, it's just the live thing just cut out. Captain Pugwash was calling his, the galley boy, or the boy that was pretty much doing everything, to be fair, including steering the ship, he was calling him a master mates, master mates. And I thought, wait a minute, that's not right.
So, and this is the original show, but so they edited it, they edited the audio. So I went on YouTube and I, I found there was like every episode back to back in one video and it's, it's master baits in the, in the thing. At one point he said master baiting, he calls it.
So it's, that's, it's true. It's like, there's, it's one of those things I hear about because I don't remember it. When I was a kid, I didn't know what that was.
It didn't mean anything to me. And as I got older, like early adults, and I'd hear adulthood, and as I hear stories like master baits, is it was, it was, you know, they really, and especially when you hear it's master baiting, they clearly were doing it on purpose. You know, it wasn't like an accident.
And so I said, I found the original versions of it and it's quite funny. It's very silly, really silly. It's funny, but I couldn't watch too much of it.
It was just, it's, it's really a bit, well, I mean, this is like 17 car, it's the 70s cartoons, but it's not cartoon. It's just cardboard cutouts moving around. I mean, it's not even animation.
They just move in the, you know, it's like a pop-up book with a camera and just, you know, it's kind of that kind of anime, that kind of thing. I think, I mean, maybe it was animation, but I think it wasn't. But Captain Pugwash, and I don't know, I just want to share that with you.
So like the, for those that are, for those watching the video, just point, want to point out, hi Rebecca, just want to, um, um, I was just talking about Master Pugwash. So I, oh yeah, the camera broke, the connection cut off, you know, a little while ago. So it's back again.
It was off for a couple of seconds, but I was going to say, um, the, the, the audio quality is a lot better on the podcast because of this microphone. So the, you know, just want to let you know, let you know, know, I think it's that, it's because in the future, if anyone's watching this, you know, um, in a year or two, and I think, oh, we missed that. Or there's a, there was a gap in the audio.
What shall we do? How can we live our lives and not know what was said? Then you can go to the podcast and you can find it. Just if you, if you know the number, which is 400, is it 426 today? I think. Yes, I'm listening, says Carol.
I'm listening. I got into counseling mode there, didn't I? I'm listening. Please tell, please continue.
I am listening. You have not pulled me to sleep yet. Oh, come on.
How can you go to sleep with this funny face looking at you? Go to sleep, go to sleep. You imagine someone just staring at you when you're in your bed, like you ain't going to go to sleep when that's happening, are you? I remember I woke up once and there was this woman, no, but she was my girlfriend. She wasn't a woman, but she was staring at me.
I don't really like just looking at me. I said, what are you doing? What are you doing? She said, well, I was just looking at you. I said, why? She said, well, I don't know if you know this or not, but when you're asleep, you stop breathing.
I said, well, why didn't you wake me up? She said, well, I thought I'd wait until you woke up and tell you. I said, it might have been too late then. Well, you know, if I'm not breathing, wake me up.
You know, just, you know, I mean, if I was started to wee in the bed, you'd wake me up, wouldn't you? Yes. Well, that's not as bad as me just not breathing, is it? She didn't agree. Did not agree at all.
I didn't get a cup of tea that day. Boston Chicky is in the house. Boston.
Oh, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. What was I going to say? I forget. I was in bed last night and I started fainting while I was asleep.
Honestly, I had to get up and eat. I've got an appointment at the doctor's in a couple of days and I've got a double appointment, although I'm a bit confused because it looks like it's giving me two different appointments. So, hey, I don't know if I have to have an appointment, leave, and then just wait for the next appointment.
Maybe. I don't know. Not sure.
But I've got an appointment, two appointments. It's a double appointment, I thought. One is for my back, my lower back.
I need to find out what's going on there so I can get treatment or something. Just, I just want to know now. It's been going on for so long.
Secondly, I'm going to get a diabetic test because although I live a very healthy lifestyle, I think it's always good to check things out. When I was in Cornwall, a couple of months ago, my friend's mother is diabetic and she was doing her tests, you know, like a blood test thing on a machine. She had a machine and she was pricking her finger and I thought, well, can I have a go? It's like, you know, you see someone with glasses for the first time.
Well, let's try them on. That kind of thing. No one does it with a hearing aid, though, do they? You notice that? Like, well, take the hearing aid out of your ear.
I can't put it in my ear. No, no one's ever going to want to do that. No one does it with wheelchairs.
Can I try your crutches? Are you constipated? Or can I try the pads? No, don't ask someone to try their glasses on. It's a disability, just like anything else. Hearing aids, it's a disability.
It's like a person can't see very well. There's a chance if they're wearing glasses, it's because they need the glasses. Don't be like, oh, it's not a game.
Not wearing glasses for fun. Unless, of course, they are wearing glasses for fun. Carol says, my husband has a doctor's appointment tomorrow for his lower back.
He's been off his work for two days with it. Wow. Well, I hope he's all right.
Michelle Cranky. Hello, Cranky. Hello, Cranky.
Hello, Michelle. I thought we've had this conversation before. Hi, Michelle.
My lower back is, it's not any, well, it's been getting worse for over 20 years. So I know it's not an injury. Unless, of course, I did injure it, you know, in my 20s.
And now, you know, it's gradually got worse. So there's a chance, I guess I could have injured it. I don't remember.
I remember injuring my upper back, lifting. I had this job. It's just a temp.
I was a temp. And I had a job in snow. So it's snowing when I was in London.
And the job was unloading lorries and moving furniture into student accommodation. And I think they were student nurses. But I don't know.
I forget, I think. And each room, Michelle says, Hi, Jason, just realized you're on. Oh, hi.
Yeah, I'm just, this is the second night in a row, Michelle. And I'm recording my podcast. And I thought, maybe I'll video me recording a podcast.
Instead of trying to do a big setup of recording and editing and all the stuff that goes around, I thought maybe I should do a live broadcast rather than film it. And I don't know, it's a little bit lazy, but for my side, but I thought maybe, especially things like with YouTube, I could share on they are. And I'm not.
Yeah, it's weird. I think in some ways, I feel more comfortable doing live streams and I do making videos. Does that make sense? This feels more real.
I don't know why that is. I guess it's because I don't know. I think with a live stream, I'm okay for it to not be perfect quality, either sound or video.
Although with the iPhone, you know, the quality of this, the video is pretty good. Although the light is fairly low, but I look bad, the darker is the better I look. So there you go.
So I don't know if I'll continue. But yeah. See, you don't miss it, even if you don't see it, you're not really missing anything.
But it's just, I just thought I'd just, you know, just do it just record myself recording myself. If that makes sense. Yeah, recording myself recording myself.
Yeah. Darby Darby Darby Darby Darby Darby Darby Darby. Hi Darby.
And I just realized that some people do exactly what I do is on a live stream, I will just join and just have a look. And then I leave. But they can see that I've joined.
But you can't see when people leave. Carol says, gives it the personal touch with the live stream. Okay, I'll do it in her voice.
Gives it the personal touch with the live stream. Yes, it does. My name's Carol.
Thank you very much for listening. I'm in trouble. Imagine if Carol does sound like that.
I'm in trouble. And I is like, that's another person. That's another person that liked you that now doesn't.
My name's Carol. I haven't always been nine foot tall. I don't know how tall she is.
So that's the thing. It's only offensive if if you if someone's really tall, and you know, they're tall, you know, they've got an issue with it. And then you make fun of them being tall.
Now, if you've never met anyone, and you don't know what they look like, and you say, Oh, you make fun of them being nine foot tall. They can't say offense, because I don't know how tall people are. So I do Darby's voice now.
My name's Darby. Hi. Five feet one.
Oh, that's kind of my favorite height. But hey, I said it to all the women. I don't care if you don't care how tall you are.
Just I just want you to touch me. I don't care. Five foot one.
I like I quite like shorter women. I think the only reason is because I feel taller. Because I'm a dumb ass.
I am I'm only four foot two myself. I'm five, eight, five, eight, five, eight is below average, or about average. Most people like me are taller, even if it's only by a couple of inches, you know, five, nine, five, 10.
Carol's husband is six foot. So blimey. That's all my stomach's rumbling.
So that's, that's, I suppose that could be good in some ways. I can't think of any. And I do sometimes think, though, you know, in an emergency, this is something that's happened as I got older, I think.
And I think if I was to get in a relationship, once someone a lot smaller than me, just in the event of an emergency, it's like I didn't used to think about that stuff when I was younger. Now I'm thinking, what if there was a kitchen fire, I needed to get them out of the house. Like, if they're my size, I'm no way am I ever going to be able to move someone my size anywhere, especially if they're on the floor.
I struggle to roll them over. Why would I want to roll them over? What I'm saying in a first aid situation, that's what I'm talking about. And I have been in a couple of first aid situations.
And my friend, he collapsed in the bathroom a few years ago. And he's six foot. He's not heavy.
He is heavy. I mean, he's not, but he's not my kind of heavy. But even like, he's a dead weight.
It's, it's just really hard to move. I don't know what I'm talking about now. It's harder.
It's, it's, yeah, I don't know. But it's not for his back. Yeah, all that bending over to, to whisper sweet nothing's in your ear.
Blimey. So every time he wants to whisper a nice romantic poem that he's put together, maybe on his, in his lunch break and stuff at work, as he comes home, he's like really excited. He wants to whisper this poem in your ear while you're on the toilet or whatever, whatever romantic situation.
And that's a strain on his back because I've noticed when I'm whispering in people, Michelle says, sorry, it's very windy here. My connection is dropping out. We'll leave the bathroom then.
Finish with what you're doing on the toilet, then come out here. Won't be so windy. We'll listen to podcasts later on.
Okay, Michelle. I want to talk about you now you're gone. Did I ever tell you about Michelle? Right? There was this time, right? Me and Michelle, we went, we had a window cleaning business.
And it was going quite well. But I realized she was a Tom. And that's why she got into the window cleaning business because she liked looking in people's windows.
She loved the windows. So there was her peeking through. And there was me on the other window licking it.
So it's kind of distant work. So anyway, I thought you'd gone. Oh, no.
You didn't hear that. Did you? Oh, no. I thought you'd gone.
How'd you? Oh, I'm only joking. I'm only joking. I didn't lick.
I didn't lick the window. I'm gonna lick the window. Have I ever licked a window? No, I don't think I've.
Yeah, I probably have licked a window, but not from the outside. Is it is it less weird if you lick from the inside of the window? I don't know. I don't know what the rules are anymore.
Wow. You know, what's really weird is when I do these, and when I'm videoing it, and there's a little bit of, you know, a little bit of a conversation going on, you know, a little bit of like quite a few messages and stuff. The hour goes really, really quickly, like really quickly for me, because we're 56 minutes in.
Yesterday, I ended up doing over 90 minutes. But it's getting a bit too late to do that. I don't mean in life, you know, I'm just too old.
Yesterday was fine, but I'm too old now. You know, I got to edit it and upload it and all that stuff. That's another hour.
And it's two o'clock in the morning here. Now I'm gonna as far as I'm concerned, I haven't gone to bed yet. So this is still Monday.
I know officially it's Tuesday, the 14th. But for me, it's still Monday, the 13th of September. I wonder what I'm going to sound like when I get my teeth done and I have these big, I want big horsey teeth, like really, when I get my teeth, I'm gonna get them like really, you know, so they're really big, because I've got little teeth and I like, they're only little.
I want big, juicy teeth. Because I know that women love men with big, big teeth. I want people to know it's for me, from miles away.
I want everyone around me to have to wear sunglasses, just to be like, I've got to be really white as well, obviously. Although I was thinking about getting some teeth, but actually having them, so they've already got stains on. So get someone like brown, green, purple stains, because that's going to confuse people.
So like perfect teeth, or I don't recall the, you know, the piano keys, I don't know what they call them. So have perfect, brand new teeth, but have them already stained, but really badly stained. Because people can be confused, like, it looks like he's had his teeth done, but they're really manky and stained and disgusting.
How, you see the heads exploding. So yeah, be like, I don't understand, I don't understand. They look new, but they can't be new.
I mean, nobody smokes that much and drinks that much coffee in a week. So yeah, I might do that. Yeah.
Mind you, to be fair, I was gonna, one of my, one of my dreams in life was to open a restaurant and call it Salmonella. So I'm not sure if all my ideas are really particularly good. I've got solutions, but unfortunately, it's to the wrong things.
I've got solutions to problems that people don't care about. Yeah. Yannica, Yannica is listening and watching.
You know what? If I, if I was a bit more kind of organized, I reckon, if I said, well, I'm going to do a live stream every day or Monday to Friday at a certain time, then people that listen to the podcast would then, or people that are listening now, hi everyone, I'm talking to you, you know, I'm still talking to you. You're not, you're just interested in, in the video. You don't care about us anymore.
Oh, come on. I never cared about you. No, of course I care about you.
I love, I love you. You're my world. I especially love it when you're asleep and not talking.
I've heard that a few times. When do you love me most? When you're asleep and not talking crap to me. It's like, that's really rude.
Something rude to say to someone, isn't it? I mean, my last girlfriend, my only girlfriend, but my last intimate interaction and the person in bed with me called me Andre. It's a true story. That is called me Andre.
She was in love with Andre. She, she liked it more than me. Carol, that's me in bed now.
I'm plugged in to my headphones, but I'm about to go, Carol. I'm about to go. I'm sorry.
That's why it's, in some ways, this is bad timing, isn't it? For me. I'm not, it's like I'm teasing. I'm teasing.
No, Carol says no. If you leave it half an hour, the podcast will be up. So you can listen, if you want to, you can listen to this actual podcast.
Oh, I'm banging stuff. The podcast will be available in half an hour, wherever you listen to it. Yeah.
I'll, I'll like rush it through just for you. And then I'll go and do a poo. It's all about rhymes.
It's all about rhymes. Rhymes. So yeah, I'm just, yeah, I'm gonna have to go because I have to, I have to, I have to do after, I have to do lots of after things.
I have to rethink this because it's not fair, is it? You're just about to listen and I'm going. I don't know. I suppose if I did it, if I sort of, if I, I'm trying to get myself more organized.
I'm not the most organized person. I'm trying to get myself more organized. So if I did a live stream, like every evening at the same time, lasting for an hour, recording myself doing a podcast, then those people that want to listen or want to watch me live or listen to me live can on Facebook.
And what I possibly could do is, I don't know, I have to look into this, but I'll probably be able to embed this into my website. So people could just visit my website at the same time every day. And the broadcast can be on my website, sort of nine o'clock.
Carol says, you have to stay up all night. No, I don't. No, I'm going to be up for a while as it is.
And I need to eat. My stomach's starting to churn. So I have to eat something.
And then, but I will, I will start uploading this before I eat. So I have to edit it and upload it. And I use my phone and my iPad to upload.
So to do it takes half the time. I'm holding it one hand half the time, I suppose instead of double two hands is the whole time maybe I don't know. I'll think about it.
Let me just think. I might try and do it. And maybe 11 to 12 in the evening.
Like every evening. But it's UK time. So I don't know what time that is in other countries when it was useful.
Unless I did to you know, one for people that can listen, then they don't end up if I wanted to cater for every country that listens, then I'd be doing probably six different. Let me bore you to sleep live streams, live streams. But to do it this time of night is quite.
I mean, it's not impossible at all. I mean, I can, but I'm not always awake. My days of being up all night, which lasted for quite a few years until recently, I've just not been awake all night anymore.
Like I used to be. I used to be making recordings through the night and sitting up, you know, doing video stuff or doing internet stuff and maybe watching movies or whatever. But I haven't, I haven't done that for a few months.
Hmm. I don't know. There's I'm just thinking, is it because I don't have company anymore? Because I always had someone I'd Andre to play with and stuff in between doing stuff.
And I could, I had them on my lap and stuff. But I don't know. I think before even before I had Andre, I used to be up during the night.
Sometimes up to six in the morning, five, six, seven in the morning, sometimes working on stuff to do with this, you know? Hmm. I don't know. I mean, winter's quite a good time of the year to be up all night because it's easy to get sleep during the day, during the winter, because there's less going on.
There's no, there's less people outside mowing their lawn or standing in the garden chain because the weather is cold and wintry and raining and stuff. As far as I'm concerned, if I'm productive, then I kind of don't care what time of the day or night it is. If I get stuff done, let me think about it.
I don't, maybe I could do sort of a, like a 12 o'clock podcast. Do a 12 o'clock, let me put you to sleep midnight every day. But two o'clock in the morning seems a bit, I could do one, one o'clock in the morning, but that seems just a little bit late in the evening.
It's very, it's late for people. Well, I don't know. I mean, technically I really should be catering for people in America, predominantly because that's 80% of my audience.
However, I do also, you know, have to look after, well, I'm in England, so I'm, I'm living English time, Britain's time, you know, time zones. I don't know. I mean, that's the benefit of a podcast is you can listen to it any time, day and night, it don't matter.
It's just because it's there, not dependent. I mean, that's the whole thing is why I think streaming, not live streaming, but just being able to stream television, Netflix, stuff like that is because you're not, we're no longer having to commit to a particular time to watch something, you know, we're not stuck. You know, pretty much you haven't got to say, oh, I can't do something because I want to watch the last episode of this drama I'm watching and it's on at 8.30 in the evening and I'm not going to go out.
I don't want to miss it. Now you just stream the stuff. It's, I know obviously that stuff's still happening, television is still doing that, but then a lot of places you've got catch-ups, you can watch it afterwards.
But I guess there's still something quite nice about live stuff. Maybe, maybe, I don't know. I'm sure people just want to watch me do videos, do this just so you can watch me get older and older and older.
You know, 10 years time I'll be 61 or nine years time I'll be 60 and I'll be like, oh, welcome to jasonnewland.com. If you'd let me boy to sleep episode 94,312. Yeah, it's weird. What the hell? What will I have to talk about? What will I have to talk about for an hour? But then I think, well, I've done 726 recordings of this podcast and I'm still talking for an hour about nothing, about nothing.
I mean, it's nothing. I've said nothing the whole hour. I've said 72 minutes of nothing.
I mean, you know, some would say, well, that's a skill. I don't want that skill. I want to be good at something that people respect.
I mean, I give it all up for a bigger willy. I mean, I want to be good at something, you know, a ballet dancer or good at, I'm trying to think of something that I'd like to be good at, but I can't think of anything. Boxing probably, but I'm old now, so I'm too old for that.
To be good at something that people admire, I guess like a writer or a musician or, I don't know, architect maybe. I don't know, just to be really good at something, but I'm not. I've got no skills.
I can talk rubbish for an hour. Now, I like to, I don't know who said all those things. Thank you.
Rachel's back. Rachel's back. She keeps saying, stop saying that.
What about me front? Stop it, Rachel. Stop being pervy. Debbie.
Hi. I can't see the surname. Hi, Debbie.
Hi, Jason. Hi. I can't see.
I've got a couple of people online that I know in real life, only a couple. I've got hardly any friends and family. I kind of got rid of everyone a few years back.
They didn't like it. They took it personally, but I tried to explain to them that I just don't like them. No, I tried to explain to them it's not personal.
I'm just, what I'm doing is this, you know, this isn't really a family thing. It's not for the family or for friends. It's people in real life, you know, because they're not interested in what I'm doing.
So I don't want to bombard them with videos and stuff, you know, that they're not interested in. So I kicked them, I didn't kick them all off. I just blocked them.
Sounds bad, doesn't it? But yeah. Hi, Riley. So hi, Debbie.
Hi, Riley. You're all coming on now, now about to go. It's not fair.
It's not fair. Why? Leave me alone. I want to go home.
I've got to go. I've got to go, man. By the way, if you see my arm going like that, it's nothing weird.
I'm just tapping my belly button. Riley says good evening. It's still pretty early for me.
What time is it there? It is 2.25am. So yeah, I was just thinking maybe I need to do like an American, let me bore you to sleep. If I did, if I was going to do a live stream for the American, my American audience, which is 80% of my audience, according to Apple Podcasts. No, Riley says it's not going to be the time I normally record.
No, more recently, I've been doing these about 11 o'clock, but I don't normally. Riley says that'd be that'd be lovely. Yeah, thanks.
I don't think the world could handle two, two hours. If only there was a time zone that could fit both, you know, that could like, be happy, please, pleasing for both UK and America, but also Australia and New Zealand and Canada. And, you know, it's like, because parts of Europe generally is fairly close time zones in Europe.
So, you know, maybe a couple of hours difference. That's about it. As far as I know, but in America, I think seven hours difference in Australia, was it 12 hours difference? Or 24 hours? No, if it's 24 hours difference, it'd be the same, wouldn't it? 12 hours difference.
Canada, I don't know, I guess, similar-ish time zone to America. But I might be wrong. I don't know.
Sierra. I mean, it would give people who listen to the podcast an opportunity to join in on the live stream. So I guess that'll be pretty cool.
Yeah. Yeah. Mind you, Debbie says it's, it's what? 30am.
It's apostrophe, apostrophe 30am here in Aussie. I don't know what that is. Oh, 11.
Is apostrophe, is that the right word? I think it is. 11.30am. Yeah. Yeah.
It's not bad. I mean, you think about it, if I do recording at 11, that'd be about seven in the morning. No, eight o'clock in the morning.
So I guess it depends. It depends what you're listening, why you're listening. If you're listening because you want to go to sleep.
I know, you know, sleep is in the title. But I know, I've been told, but not everybody listens to go to sleep. They listen for different reasons.
So I guess, what was that noise? I just heard a dog barking. Either that or someone downstairs shouting, shut up, it's 2.30 in the morning. Hmm.
Oh, well, I'm gonna go. I have to go. Let me think on, I'm gonna think on, see what I can come up with.
So thank you for listening. Remember everybody, remember to be kind to yourself. Yeah.
Do something nice for yourself because you deserve to be happy. You, you, you, you, you, all of you. I'm pointing, I'm pointing right at you.
Just take care. Lots of love. Bye.
Bye. Bye. Bye.
Bye. Bye. Bye.
Paragraph spacing and recurring name or title errors have been tidied. Because this began as a voice transcription, an occasional word or piece of punctuation may still be incorrect.