#686 Let me bore you to sleep - AYE LOOV SCOTLAND - Jason Newland (8th July 2021)

Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is let me bore you to sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

So here we go again. Here we go again. And this morning, I did a recording, okay, a deep sleep whisper hypnosis.

And I decided to sit in my chair, you know, the recliner city thing I've got, which is kind of comfortable, kind of not as depends how you think of it. But anyway, I fell asleep whilst doing this recording. And it took me ages to edit it because I did start off okay.

And then I kept waking up and talking and it's just many I released it, it was, it was like 10 minutes. I was asleep, but the recording lasted about an hour and eight minutes. But I got about nine minutes and a half out of it.

But I thought, hey, I'll release it anyway, because if you send me to sleep, maybe you'll send other people to sleep, because it really did send me to sleep. There was a lot of snoring a lot of talking to myself, I sleep talk. Now I make some weird noises, normally, like, you know, but I made the strangest noise I think I've ever heard myself make while I was asleep.

And I'm gonna play it to you because I've actually I saved it. So I wanted to play it to you. And I was asleep when this sound happened.

Okay. So here you go. You ready? I cut and pasted that.

So there wasn't me just making that sound right now. It was the original sound. What a strange sound.

I don't think I could even make it. Purposefully. That was a really weird noise.

So yeah, that was the sound that I made while I was asleep. How weird. Very, very unusual.

Even for me. Another thing I want to say is, yesterday I was talking about what's his name? Miserable Murray, the tennis player. And you know, I just want to point out that I have no issue with Scottish people or anyone, to be fair.

I'm not into that. That's a whole, that was kind of the point I was trying to make is the idea of disliking a nation of people does not make sense to me. Never has, never has.

Even if, for example, I don't know, let's say everyone that I met that was French was, I just didn't like them. I didn't get on with the person, the individual people. I still wouldn't think, oh, I don't like French people because it's just pathetic, isn't it? Just to have that, that mentality is just, for me, it would feel pathetic.

Obviously those that are like that, I love you too. But you know, I just, it would just be weird, what a strange way to think. Can you dislike millions and millions of people that you've never met? Meet them all, then dislike them.

You know, trust me, I'm not defending humans. And I've no doubt there's a lot of really nice people out there. I just haven't met them yet.

Is it rude? I'm nice. Yeah, we're all nice, till we're not. I, well, I don't know, I think my tolerance of people is reduced somewhat lately.

I can't say that I'm really enjoying conversations with people, when I have them, if the conversation lasts more than five minutes. If it's a really short conversation, it's like, are you doing all right? And if it's positive, it's nice, it's a nice little conversation. I've got this neighbor who, every time I see him, he just slags off the British football team.

I always say something negative about them. Every, every major tournament he does it, he did it during the World Cup four years ago, or three years ago. It's like, just shut up.

Stop being negative. Don't hear it. And he gave a list of things that England did wrong last night.

Even though England won 2-1 and got through to the final for the first time since 1966. The first time they got through to a final of any major tournament. The actual final, not the finals, because they've got through to the semis before, but the actual final.

It's the first time since 1966. So they also got through to the final in 1962 as well, but they, they didn't win that one, but they won the 66 one. And I said to her, I said, okay, because it was in a chip van outside, just get some chips.

And I said, well now you've done that, now list some things you liked about them. You listed the things that you don't like about them, what they did wrong. Now list some of the things that they did right, considering they won the match.

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. That's just annoying. I've got no tolerance.

I just can't, I just, just, I ain't interested. You know, this is one of the probably one, possibly one of the most miserable countries in the world. Negatively wise.

It's a very negative country. The news, all, you know, just people generally. There's positive people, but it's hard to be positive in such a negative environment.

It's a, you know, even like how you're doing it, not too bad. That's a positive person speaking, not too bad. It's in our DNA, it's almost in our language to talk from a negative perspective without realizing the power of that, the effect that it's having on us, or maybe on other people.

So it's really difficult once you know that, once you, once you actually realize the power of words, in the power of what we say to ourselves, it's almost like, oh, I don't want to hear it. Go away. Stop knocking.

Just, just, just go away. So yeah, I'm looking forward to getting away from here if I can and just not dealing with people that are just living a negative life and have just given up. That sounded quite negative as well, didn't it? You're just moaning.

Could you tell us some jokes or talk about your bum or something? I don't want to hear about that, this. Tell us about your constipation. Okay, here's an update on the constipation.

I know that's what everyone's interested in. I know it's true. I'm, I'm going to tell you about it.

I got prune juice yesterday, and I had some and I was surprised that I liked the taste. Not enough to, not enough to, you know, write a song or, you know, or to, you know, write some kind of stage play devoted to it. But I, I'm not going to send it Christmas.

I'm not going to send the bottle of prune juice a Christmas card. I don't like it that much. That's just weird.

This builder makes some weird sounds. Anyway, right. I had the prune juice.

It was all right. I don't think I had enough of it. I might have to just have like a whole big glass full.

I only had a little cup, half a cup full. I just had this idea that I'd drink it and I just start spraying the butt. You know what I mean? I just, I just didn't, I wasn't sure how quickly it would work.

Anyway, what I found out today is constipation is not just about the forcing, you know, getting you to go to the toilet. It's the, it's more to do with the text, the texture. Hard versus soft.

Hard gets stuck and it's harder and it causes more pain and stuff. So you might need to go to the toilet, but you still got this big brick trying to get out. It's a bit of rock.

Like a rock cake. My nanny's rock cakes. She used to make this rock cake and she honestly, my nan was a brilliant, brilliant baker.

My step-mom was as well actually. I was very lucky actually from the age of seven to 15 with my, okay, let's say 14 because she stopped caring about us. Once I was about 14, she started going out to work.

It's my step-mom. So she was always there. And then suddenly she, I think she like hit 30 or 29, 30.

And she started realizing that her youth was going, you know, her, she didn't want to be indoors all day being a housewife, which is what it used to be called back then. And, and she had four kids, big house to look after, plus a husband. And, you know, it was quite old fashioned household really, you know, would have meals in the evening, cooked meals, sometimes sandwiches, but generally a cooked meal, cooked meals, you know, roast dinner the weekend and, you know, ironing and all that stuff done.

And then my dad went out to work and he worked long, long hours. He was self-employed. So he was working a lot, which I guess you'd have to do to support a family that size.

So she used to bake, make cakes. I used to bake with her because either that or work in the garden with my dad on weekends, which I didn't want to. So I used to, I got to stay inside and laugh at my brothers who were out in the rain and the mud.

And I was in the warm, licking out the bowl. It's not a euphemism. It really was a bowl, yeah.

And just licking it all up, knowing that I was going to have a tummy ache in 10 minutes, but I didn't care because it was so yummy. So I was quite lucky really, in a way that I had between the ages of seven and 14, a female mother figure who was there. I mean, yeah, I mean, she was, she was a great mum.

Most of the time, she had little moments where she'd just lose it. But, you know, it's weird because I look at it a bit differently now, because back then I'd be about 11 and she'd be having a tantrum because my room was messy. And I'd think, I'd say, you're just ridiculous.

I would, I'd just like, this is, you're a grown adult. What are you doing getting angry about the cupboard being messy? What's wrong with you? There's something wrong with you, man. That's how I used to think about her when she'd get like that.

Because she'd just get really like shouting and screaming, really, a bit disturbed, I think. But now, thinking back, she was a young woman. She was like, what, 25, 26 years old with four children.

One who was already like 16 years old, one 14 and one 12, whatever that would be. And the other one who was three or four or five. That's a lot for someone so young.

And thinking like, I wouldn't have put up with that. I couldn't do that. No way.

I couldn't do that now. I don't think I've ever in my life would have had the patience or the caring to be how she was. She was amazing.

I don't tell her that because I don't want her to know. But she was. I hated her once she left.

But before that, she was amazing. And really like, and I think about my dad as well. I just didn't like him.

I didn't like him. I'm coming across nice, am I? I'm available if you want to have a boyfriend and, you know, get to meet your family. They'll love me.

I didn't. See, I liked my mom, even though she was, you know, have tantrums and stuff now and then. And she was lovely.

And then my dad didn't like him. Sometimes he was nice, but it was rare. It was, you know, Christmas time.

It was maybe once or twice through the year he'd be friendly. But he really, he wasn't, he didn't like the kids. At least that was what I thought until my little brother was born.

Then I realized he just didn't like us. He didn't like the first three children he had, but he loved the fourth one, which is weird. Still name, still now.

Couldn't do any wrong, my little brother. And I kind of adore him to be fair. I do.

It's my little brother. He's now like 63. But I just, I've got a soft spot for him.

Always have done. Even though, because, you know, it's been so easy for me to have been jealous of him and to have taken it out on him or to have had nothing to do with him because he's daddy's favorite. But actually I get on really well with him.

We've got quite a few things in common that we like to talk about, like computer stuff, movies and, you know, just general kind of, he's an IT expert. And I'm an IT novice user, even though I've been in IT longer than him. But he's the expert because he does it as a living.

And I know my way around. That's about it really. You know, I used to be able to build websites from code, you know, actually build them.

And now I haven't built a website from code in absolute years. It's got to be good 16, no 15 years, probably 16 years. I think 1995, no 2005 is when I stopped building them myself.

So I built them for five years. So I did know my way around doing it. And but he, he just like knows way more all about like infrastructure of stuff like that.

He's a whiz kid with mobile phones and computers and all that stuff. So yeah, I get on alright with him, I get on, I'd say pretty well. But even now he's like the perfect son, which is weird.

And the same as with my niece, absolutely dotes on her, has done for 11 years since she was born. And I never understood it. Because I just find her a bit annoying.

No, I don't. I just never understood why he had that such a close relationship with her. And it's what I asked his wife a few years ago, and he said, apparently, it's because he's seen them grow up right from the start.

He's seen them from the day they were born, the day they were born, regularly, all the way up to now. He didn't get that with me and my two brothers. There was a big, like, kind of five year gap.

I don't really understand that. Really, with me, I can understand it because he wasn't there for me growing up. He didn't see me develop into a young boy.

Because you know, I was six months or between three and six months when my real mum left. And then I was in foster care to the age of two. And then I was taken away again by my mum, she came and got us, because the foster parents wanted to adopt us.

And then he didn't see me again until just before I was seven. But both my older brothers were older, obviously. And one's two years older, and one's four years older.

So when, and my oldest brother was actually living with my grandparents during those, that period when I was in foster care. Which means he got to see him grow up to be six, six years old, zero to six. And then he didn't get to see him again until he was, what, 10.

So he missed that period out. But he got to see him develop to five, or six. He saw me again when he was 11.

So six, that's a long, quite a long time. You get to surely have a connection with a kid during that period. And so I guess, I don't know me, I don't know if my dad visited me or not when I was in foster care.

I've done it all. I'm a proper all-rounder, me. Foster care, and then children's home, and then I was adopted by my dad's new wife.

She adopted me and my brothers. And then we moved with them, moved away from the children's home with them. So she became my official guardian with my dad.

So I've done it all. I've been adopted, children's home, and fostered. I'm a good all-rounder.

I have a lot of skills. I'm a good all-rounder. But it's strange just the whole idea of, it just seems a bit strange.

You can't really care about someone because you haven't seen them. You didn't see them for five years. I don't get that.

I mean, I don't know. I mean, my granddad left to go to war. He came back at the beginning of the Second World War.

He came back on leave, married my nan. She got pregnant on that weekend. So she says, and then he went back.

He went back to war. He went back and he didn't come back until after the war ended because he was a prisoner of war. So he didn't see his child until his child was, what, five years old, four years old or whatever.

But that, I don't think that affected the relationship. You know, I think they're very close. So yeah, I don't know.

I guess it's each to their own, isn't it? But I do start, as I get older, I'm thinking, blimey, how did he cope with all the stuff he's coped with? As I'm sure my dad thought about my granddad, like how, how on earth did he cope with being in the army? Because my granddad was in the army before the war, before the war, during the war. And the Second World War is, and he, he served his time, I think he was in the army for like 12 years. So he went in at 16, came out at 28.

So he gained his army pension. And then, I mean, it's not funny, but at 29, suddenly he was back in the army again. He was like one of the first people called up, outside of the actual army itself.

So he, like a year in Navvy Street, I think it's called, they call it. And can you imagine that? Done 12 years. He served overseas and probably seen all kinds of stuff over the years.

Still a young man, you know, got to retire at such an early age, having the army pension for the rest of his life. So he didn't have to work really full time. He could have worked part time because the pension was, he was getting it straight away because he retired.

He was getting it, I think, every month. And then, you know, oh, well, apparently, I remember my nan saying, when my granddad was gone, properly for the, and she said, she was getting her pension. She was getting my granddad's pension from the army.

She was getting his pension from the government because he worked for the government when he got back. So I guess he was 30, 29, or 35. And he had a government job before he went into the army.

So and he went back to that job that he was in after he'd left the army before. And he stayed there until he retired at 60, I think. It was 1978.

88. 65. Wow, maybe not.

Maybe it was 65. Because he, yeah, he passed away in 1990. 1991.

And he was 80. So yeah, he must have. Wow.

So he must have retired in 1976. Unless he did retire when he was 60. I don't know.

I've got no one to ask. My nan used to be the one that I used to talk about this stuff with. She used to tell me all kinds of things about the family, about my granddad, about her, the wedding, marriage, the life, you know.

He, I think he spoke to me three times, my granddad. And once he told me off for something, again, he didn't, he didn't talk to me hardly ever. So I was just happy.

I thought, wow, if I annoy him, I'll get some attention from him. So I started, I think I just started the arson period. No, I'm joking.

We had a conversation about boxing. And I think we were talking about the Bruno fight coming up between Bruno and Mike Tyson, which is like 1988. Or it might have been the Bruno fight against Witherspoon in 86.

I don't know. But my granddad, being an ex boxer, he was a boxer all the way through the army. So for 12 years, he was an amateur boxer in the army fighting for the army.

And I'm not sure if he boxed before he went in the army. As a kid, I don't know. But he was, won loads of medals and stuff.

So he knew about boxing as one, you know, that's 100%. And he had an opinion. I can't remember what it was.

He had to like on the fight, he had to kind of know what he thought about it. Oh, no, I don't remember. I don't remember what what it was.

But I just remember I had a conversation with him. And in 1987, I said 87. I think it was 87.

Because my granddad had a shed in the garden. Well, I say in the garden, like obviously, but I used to have a shed in the bedroom. But he had his shed in the garden.

He was a carpenter as well, like hobby wise. He used to make all kinds of things made out of wood. I'm not trying to explain to you what carpentry is.

I'm just saying he did other things as well. He's made things out of metal also. But he sawed mainly.

No, he had a lot of skill, he really knew what he was doing. Don't know where he learnt it. And that might be why one of my uncles, his son became a carpenter because of their dad, maybe he saw that and thought he got interested in it.

I don't know. But I know my granddad, just to give you an idea what kind of skill he had as a carpenter. He built a snooker table for us to play on.

He built it, he put the felt on, he did the whole thing. And it was a tennis table, table tennis table. I'm pretty sure he built that as well.

So he built some stuff for us to play with. He had these puzzles that were like a cross. I also had this, these blocks which were noughts and crosses.

And there's like one, two, three, four, five, six, like squares, so six sides, noughts, crosses, you know, on them. And they fit into this little box, wooden box, and you could play noughts and crosses on it. Yeah, that's, that's, that's it.

But it's really good. I used to quite like it. And he made, this isn't funny, but just after talking about snooker table, he made a kitchen roll holder that was, I'm pretty sure it was like an eagle that was in the kitchen.

And he also, I think he had a similar thing with a clock on it. He didn't make the clock, the clock was added. But he did a lot of carpentry and bits and bobs around, you know.

He also used to do gardening. He loved, so the garden, it wasn't a big garden, but it was just big enough not to be small. Does that make sense? It's just, it was just the right size.

If you just had one kid running around, it was, I mean, there's three of us when we lived there, because we lived there before they did. But he, because when we lived there, it was 1970, 1978. And it was a new build, it was a council estate, it was a council house.

But it was a new one, it's on a new estate. And other houses were still being built when we moved in. It was nice, it was lovely.

Especially for me, because I had my own bedroom. My two brothers stayed in the other bedroom, in bunk beds. And the parents were in the other bedroom, which, you know, together.

So I slept, because I was, I was only little. I had my bed, and it was just, it was a small room. But at that time, we didn't have anything.

What I mean by that is, we didn't have years and years of presence, and we didn't have years of stuff. Like an average seven year old, which I was, or nine or 11 year old, you'd have like, a room full of stuff, wouldn't you? That you just accumulated over the years. Well, none of us had that.

Because we'd come from the children's home, and we didn't have anything, other than just the clothes that we had. And that's not to say, not to say that we didn't. And parents definitely made up for that.

They used to buy us stuff, presents for birthdays and Christmas, and very generous. That's the one thing that they can never be faulted for, is generosity. And my dad's still the same.

I don't know about the mom, because I hate her. I haven't seen her since I was 16. I had no idea.

I saw her once, actually, when I visited my brother, when he had his appendix out. He was in hospital, because they burst. And he, she, she came, walked in, and was all like, friendly and stuff.

But I felt ill, felt ill. Just like, I was, it was just too emotional for me. I just didn't know what to do.

So I, I chucked the pie out. I just happened to have a sponge pie. You know those, those sponge pies, just with the whipped cream.

I just chucked that out. I don't know, I don't know why I had it in my hand, but sometimes, things happen for a reason. Stupid saying.

Things happen for a reason. I always feel like, when I hear people say that, like part of my brain just dies. Things happen for, everything happens for a reason.

There's no smoke without fire. Oh God, you mean everyone that's been, everyone, everybody before trial is guilty? Is that what you're saying? Um, no. Well, that's what you are saying.

No. Yeah, that's pretty much what you're saying. Everybody's guilty.

Everyone that's been accused of something is guilty. You know, that's what it means. No smoke without fire means there's guilt there.

I don't know who came up with that stupid saying. I mean, it's a good saying, in a sense of, if someone is guilty of a crime, you could use that, so there's no smoke without fire. But it basically means that anyone that's been accused of something is guilty.

Yeah, it's like, no, that's not what it means. Yeah, it is, it is. If you break it down, that's what it means.

And it's silly. You're being silly. But don't worry, everything happens for a reason.

Oh, stop it. Stop it, you're ruining everything. I want to be superstitious.

Oh no, a magpie, I must salute. Yep, great. Not great if it's a bus driver doing it though, is it? No.

Do we all want a bus driver just standing up and saluting a magpie when they should be watching the road? No, we don't. So, I do have a, I don't want to use the word respect, because that's not something I really, I really feel, but I do have a certain, I don't know what the right word is, for the parents that I had, in the sense of, it must have been really, really hard to bring up a bunch of kids that didn't really know who you were. One's 11, one's nine, one's seven.

And when they came, when we went there, we didn't know who any of them were. We didn't know our dad. I didn't recognize him because as far as I was concerned, I'd never seen him.

My oldest brother, I don't think he even did because it had been such a long time, you know, from the ages of six. So much happened during that time. I don't know if he remembered him.

I don't, I can't remember if I ever asked. And then my other brother, who would have been four, so he's not going to remember him, is he? Four till nine. You're not going to, you know, four years old, you're not going to remember someone.

If you met someone you were four and then you were nine years old, bearing in mind he was in foster care of me, so he didn't get, you know, pretty much, he only had up to the age of two years living with my dad. And then back again when he was nine. So it was weird, I think for everybody, it was just a, it was an unworkable situation and it didn't work.

It just didn't work from day one really. It, but we all wanted it to work. That's the thing.

Not one person involved was negative about it. We all, we really didn't want to live in a children's home. We wanted to live with them.

My dad was, at the time, my dad, I don't think there could have been a better dad than him when I was seven. I mean, I don't, just don't think there could have been anyone nicer. He was the nicest man, bearing in mind that I had a lot of experience of the opposite to that.

And he was so gentle and he's a big, big, strong, you know, man, especially when I was little, he was so giant to me. But he was so gentle, so kind, so loving. And he shaved his beard off.

And I think that was part of him. Once he shaved his beard off, he just stopped being nice. Now, I know that that's probably not the reason.

But I think the responsibility, as soon as he moved into the house, because when he had the council house, yeah, he had problems now and then. But generally, we got on. And then we moved to this big house and he had a mortgage and another kid just popped out.

And he was sort of suddenly had four kids. When a year earlier, he was living a life of ease. And really, he was just got married to the love of his life.

And she was 21. He was, I don't know, 29, 28, something like that. And they were happy.

And then suddenly out of the blue, again, the social services contact him saying, yeah, you're, I don't know if you're interested, but we found out where your kids are. They're living in South End. He said, not with the nuns.

He said, yeah, with the nuns. So they're in safe hands. Oh, dear.

Safe hands. So yeah, it was, I guess it was so much to take on. I didn't appreciate at the time because I was a little kid.

I didn't care. You know, all I knew is I didn't want to live at the children's home. I wanted to live there with them because he was lovely.

He used to carry me on his shoulders. I used to sit on his shoulders. And I don't know why I still can't do it.

I just don't think it's fair. I think, well, you know, his job is to be the father. And if I, as the son, demand, if my legs get tired, he should carry me on his shoulders until my legs are sort of ready to walk again.

That's how it should be. Yeah, that's, that's the way of the world. But he just didn't agree.

It's weird because I was the baby of the family for a year. It's all I got until my little brother was born. All I had was a year.

Seriously, the summer, the summer of 1977 until the summer of 1988, 1978, when my little brother was born, I had a year of being the little baby, the little, little, the little child. I was seven, but I was, I was a young, I was just milking it. So I climb into bed with them both.

Oh, I couldn't sleep because I had nightmares. Oh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything. I mean, clearly, and my dad said, oh, you was always in every night.

Clearly it wasn't in there every night because they got pregnant. I mean, if I really was in there every night, then that's a bit weird, isn't it? So I used to love it, climb in there and just like cuddle up between the two of them. Yep.

Eat my sandwich, my Mars bar. So yeah, I used to, my dad was so lovely and that's what he's, he's never really understood how you could be so damn nice and then stop being like that. And it was environment, environmental, he had, took on too much or he kind of didn't have any choice, you know, because of the family, we were living in a three, it really was a two bedroom house with a, a little box room.

So I lived, I slept in a box room, which I loved because it was my own room. And probably the first time I had my own room in my life, bearing in mind, I'd come from living in a dormitory with a bunch of other kids, all in one big room. So to have my own room was beautiful, proper, proper, lush.

It was so nice, so peaceful. And I had a picture of Bruce Lee on the wall. Didn't know who he was, but, and that shaped my life as well, because I was affected, we're affected by our environment and I was affected by that Bruce Lee picture.

Looking at Bruce Lee every day, it was a poster from Enter the Dragon. And, you know, eventually I got to see the movie. I was too young then, seven years old, you can't watch it, Enter the Dragon at seven.

And then, and then my dad grew his beard back during the lockdown. And he seems to have turned into a cuddly man again. And he looks so lovely with a beard.

I know it might sound weird, but he really, really looks lovely with a beard. It suits him so well. And he's got jet white hair.

Did you say jet white, jet black, jet white? I don't know. But like white like snow, his hair and his beard. And he's still got like a bit of a chubby face.

He's still a big, big, big man. He's not, he's not, I say big, he's not like a giant, but he's still, still stocky, still muscly. And he's still got his hands about five times the size of mine.

And he does, he actually can clear the driveway when it's got ice on it. He can do it with his hands, just in one little swipe. It's amazing.

I had to get an extra big steering wheel for him, for his car. His little one wasn't, you know, Chris couldn't use it. He had to take the roof off because the steering wheel was so big.

Seriously, there couldn't be anyone else in the car in the front. He had to sit in the middle of the car. The whole car had to be redone.

So he had this, he had this massive steering wheel that would like go out, so out of the ceiling because his hands were so big. Talking about things and stretching. I had constipation, still got it a bit.

I did another one, had another one today, but it was less. It was still like more of the same, but it wasn't so dramatic. So I was talking about starfishes the other day, referring to a certain part of the body.

And I realized that my starfish has now turned into an octopus. It's being stretched. It's no longer a starfish, my man.

It's an octopus. Looks like a bloody map of Europe. Anyway, I, I went to the pharmacy and I said to the lady, look, I've got a bit of a bit of a, you know, she said, well, I said a bit of the a. She said, you constipated.

I said, how did you get that from that? She said, trust me, I know, I know this. I know the look. I know the sounds.

Oh, don't I know the sounds. And so I said, oh, okay. And I said, well, what can I do? Because I said, I realized that the hole at the top compared to the exit hole, there's another hole at the top where obviously the thing comes in.

It's almost like a little waiting room, isn't there? It's like a dentist waiting room. It's just that it waits before it can, you know, be let out. Sometimes bit by bit, like, you know, patient by patient.

Sometimes it's a group, group session. It all comes out at the same time. But the entrance, which is inside, like just, it's not as flexible.

Anyway, she said, what the hell are you talking about? I said, well, I don't know. She said, are you pre rehearsing for your podcast again? And I said, no, no, no, no. I come in legitimately.

She said, you mean genuine? I said, yeah. I said, have you got any suggestions? And she said, well, you got two options, really.

based on the medication that they had available I said go on then what she said were you in a rush I said no no I'm just wondering what it is she said yeah but you said to be in a rush are you why are you tapping why are you tapping on the floor I said I don't know maybe it's because I'm constipated I don't know what's going on anymore I don't know what's real I don't want to think I don't know when it's gonna when I'm gonna give birth I don't know she said all right

okay and she said you've got two options you've got this medication over-the-counter medication that will just you just go to a toilet like you know that's it and I said okay she said but we've got this medication which softens the turns the bread back into dough in a sense if you think about it that way you know turns the hard flaky crusty bread that scrapes against the sides of the oven into nice flexible dough which is nice and pliable and soft and gentle and that's what this medicine does and I said okay what's what's the

okay which one do I take she said well if you're in a hurry if you're if you're in a hurry to to you know let all this out of the building you need to you need maybe take the one that gets you going straight away however it's not gonna soften it so you might still have that you'll be able to go but it will be you know maybe not pleasant and I said okay she said well the softener takes a couple of days but it will be you know it'll just be easier I said okay

I'll take the softener I said what do you what do you prefer she said I don't have what do you think what do you mean do I prefer I'm not constipated what do you think I am some kind of weirdo I said there's nothing weird about it you told me it was normal she said yeah for people like you not for people like me I'm a professional okay so I got the softening the stool softening I think yeah why the why the word stool that's like the opposite isn't it a stool is something you sit

on you know a stool is something you sit on it's not something that sits on you or sits in you anyway so I took I bought that so I mean it's supposed to soften soften everything but then I got home and you know I had to go to the toilet and stuff and again but instead of being on the toilet for an hour I was I'm telling you this it was only 93 minutes no it was 10 minutes or whatever so it was still and I was looking after my friend's dog and he was just

staring at me very awkward I mean you know I'm doing this I'm focused on that part of my body and he's giving me eye contact like full-on eye contact staring and I'm talking he was right close to me it's like just inches away just staring at me sweating I was like leave me alone go away and he wouldn't he just it's like weird dog I think he sensed that I was maybe in trouble so maybe that's why he stayed there because he's actually a beautiful creature and he cares but either way I was annoying and

I I took the medication and I'll take a bit more tonight probably and maybe some more and I just I don't know how to measure it so I'm just gonna take it a couple of tablespoons a couple of times a day and hopefully that'll do the job and I'm gonna have some prune juice as well and just I looked up reasons for constipation and mainly it's just either change of diet or too much sitting around and too much sleeping you're not enough walking around and exercise and stuff but I didn't really feel that I was

spending a huge amount of time sitting more than normal but maybe maybe when I was in Cornwall I did quite a bit of walking but then I did a lot of sitting as well didn't I in the car another conversation I had with my granddad he I think it was a 90 I don't know what year was but it was late 80s he said he took me into his shed and I thought oh no he's gonna chop me up but he didn't and he said a lot a lot of like saws and axes and stuff

in there he gave me this bonsai tree I didn't know he grew bonsai trees and I didn't well I knew what a bonsai tree was because of the Karate Kid so that was my education for bonsai trees but you know what I'm not gonna judge myself because I imagine that was the first time that millions of people in the Western world have ever heard of such a thing as a bonsai tree from the Karate Kid films judge me all you like but I bet it's true so yeah it came in this bonsai tree which is

just a miniature tree it's a tree but tiny and it died didn't it didn't didn't last very long with me but I didn't have the first the first inkling or sense of what to do really with it I don't know why I mean he gave it to me obviously to be nice and but I didn't know how to take care of it I didn't know what to do and it died unfortunately it faded away just like my glamour my glamour career my career in glamour I was that's a problem it was great when it was

just busty when my fat was just in my boobs and now it's in my belly as well it's you know my modeling career just went downhill no one wanted to see me anymore I don't understand it just don't judge me what about what about judge me for me not just my figure my figure but I the modeling contracts dried up and I ended up having to become a prison guard but hey that's a story for another day so I'm gonna go thank you for listening and remember to be kind to yourself because because because because

you deserve to be happy do something nice for yourself something extra special just for you okay take care lots love and I shall speak to you again tomorrow bye