#621 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name's Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. I hope you're well, I hope you're groovy, groovy, groovy, groovy, groovy, groovy.

I've got the window open so there might be a little bit of background shenanigans, just a little bit, but nothing, nothing of any import, import. So yeah, I feel like I've actually, I feel like I've got a job. I've been putting in so much time and I just started feeling tired.

I just don't want to go to bed. I want to go buh-byes. I want to go sleep, sleep.

You know, something I've wanted to do for ages and it's, I'm not ever going to do it, but I'm just saying it's something that I, I found humorous was to one day do a recording, but, you know, do like the normal introduction, sort of like, let's say it's a relaxation session. Hello, welcome, this is a relaxation session. Get yourself comfortable lying down on a flat surface as opposed to a rectangle one.

And, you know, just the normal, that I normally do at the beginning of the recording and then start shouting, just as a relax and maybe do a little bit more relaxation. And then maybe gradually get louder and louder and angrier and angrier and relax your legs, relax your neck. Not really, I don't know, things like that.

Entertain me. You know, another thing I always, I wanted to do when I was a counsellor, as a joke, not, not, you know, I didn't really, I did want to do it, is because of the sessions are 50 minutes long in counselling or therapy, any kind of therapy, really, I think 50 minutes is generally the, the standardised hour. I wanted to, some people go over to 50 minutes, they will talk, and I'm one of those, as a client, I will, I'll, I'll talk for, it might, it might surprise you.

I can talk sometimes. And I always liked the idea, like what, at least once, when the 50 minutes was up, and the clock was usually behind the client on the wall, so they couldn't see it. But I could.

And some, you know, some therapists may be listening, thinking, you shouldn't be looking at the clock, you shouldn't be timing them. If you go to 50 minutes, it doesn't matter. What's more important is their health and wellbeing.

Yeah, but if you've got another person waiting outside to be seen, and then another person waiting outside to be seen after them, then another person after them, you do need to kind of stick to the times. Otherwise, you don't allow yourself, well, first of all, you're late for the next person. But you don't allow yourself any space.

And even if it is just five minutes between clients, where you can sit down and close your eyes and, you know, or go for a bath or something, I don't know, just, it's, it's really valuable space and time. So I always thought it'd be quite funny to just, when the 50 minutes was up, to stand up, put my coat on and just walk out. Now, yeah, I wouldn't have a job after that if I did that.

But I just thought it'd be, be a funny way to get sacked. But at the same time, it wouldn't, you know, couldn't do that to a client, unless I actually did do it once. I can't remember.

But it would have been as a joke. Just yeah, I thought about writing a book. This is back when I was a counsellor.

And I was friends with this female counsellor who I got on really well with and I wanted to write a book with her. And it was going to be basically aiming at the things that we weren't taught. At college or university, we weren't taught on the counselling course.

Subtle things. And she thought it was a good idea. Because there's lots of things that you come up against.

Some, you know, more serious than others. Where it's like, oh, there's no preparation for this. I don't know what to do.

It's, oh, I really don't know what to do next. So, you know, I thought we were going to write the book. And I was, she didn't like my title.

But I wanted to call it, What If I Need to Fart? Now, you know, like, oh, it's a joke title. But the reality is, gas, gas, gas is, building gas up, you know, gas building up in your tummy is a very uncomfortable feeling. And sometimes even painful.

And it needs to be released. It does, it needs to be, that's what is, the hole's not there, just. The hole, oh God.

I was gonna say the hole's not there just for, for romantic night's in. It's, it's, it's, it's not just there for Valentine's Day. It's, it's, you know, I mean, the gas gets released, just like it does at your mouth.

Different, it just tastes different. And the smells different. I don't know, you know, I mean.

But, oh, what am I trying to say? But yeah, it's, it's, it's not a serious thing. But if you, you're in therapy, do you really want to be looking at a therapist who's, like, squirming about with funny expression on his face or her face? And you can almost see that they're not giving you their full attention. And how can you give somebody your full attention when you feel like you're about to pop? You know, this is, this is a genuine thing.

And how do you, what do you do in that situation? Do you excuse yourself? I just need to pop out for two seconds. Is that okay? And you go outside, close the door, and you let rip, hoping it isn't too loud. Hope it doesn't shake the building.

Or do you let it off? I mean, in a situation, you know, when I was a kid, it used to call me blowing off. Farting was called blowing off. This is, like, 70s, early 80s.

It's not a term that I've heard for a long time. Although it is, it's quite a cute term. You know, those were the days when I was told that farting was swearing, or, you know, saying the word fart.

It was like it was a swear word. It's not, it's a funny word. So there.

So I really wasn't sure, you know, I've been in that situation. So what I'd normally do if I'm in, it's usually when I'm like in a job interview or in a funeral. Not the star, hopefully, but, you know, sort of in, in a place where farting isn't generally neither expected or forgiven.

You know, it's just, you can't really fart during a wedding ceremony, for example. Or, I mean, I suppose you can do it. No, you can't really.

If you do it, if you are going to do it, you do it during the music. So it's a timing thing. I've never mentioned this before.

My Nan's funeral, right, it's a long, it's what, six years ago now, six years, over six years. And the organist, the organ player in the church, sounded like he was having a stroke while he was playing. It was all, it was awful.

It was out of key, out of tune. It's almost like I did not know what he was doing. Now, fair enough, if he didn't know what he was doing, I suppose it's forgivable, but it's not, not during a, you know, a serious thing like that.

And it was like, so ridiculous. Any other time, I would have laughed my head off. In fact, any other funeral, I'd have laughed my head off.

But, you know, I just didn't have the ability on that particular day. And yeah, there was no humour inside me at all. But I wanted to look for that organ, that organ player and have a little chat.

It was awful. But that was a weird church though. Weird church because I remember my Nan telling me once, I went to visit her, she said, oh, because I'd met the priest.

She was a Catholic, Roman Catholic. And she went to church and she even like helped, helped out at the church, cleaned the church, helped out on church days and all kinds of stuff. She was very active in the church.

It was a big, big part of her life. And, but, but outside of that, she's really, she was a really nice person though. And she, she told me that her priest had died.

And she was very close to him, known him for a long, you know, known him for 20 or 30 years or whatever. And I'd got to know him as a person. And he was a really lovely person.

I met him on a few occasions because I used to go to church with my Nan. Sometimes I'd go on a Sunday and I try and go like New Year's, not New Year's Eve, Christmas Midnight Mass. And one of my favorite things is, was to go with her.

Like my granddad, he used to, I should say when he was alive, but everything was when he was alive. Wasn't when he was dead, is it? Didn't pick her up when he was, you know, but he used to, he used to drop her off by foot because they didn't drive. So he'd walk her to the church, which wasn't near her where she lived.

They actually had a church on the corner of their road, but it was a wrong, it was the wrong type of church. I couldn't kind of, at the time, I couldn't get my head around that. Like you got a church at the end of your road, it's a five minute walk.

Why are you walking for 30 minutes to get to a church that's in town? That's, but that was her church. And I think to, I think to some different, you know, Catholics going to, going to a church, a different denomination church would probably be a, almost the same as a Buddhist going to a mosque in their eyes, in a sense, if it's a completely different, I mean, for the general public, you'd saw it as a church is a church. It's, it's Christianity, isn't it? But actually Catholicism is more about the, you know, the original Bible, not the New Testament.

So, you know, it's, it's much more, you know, original sin and, you know, all that good stuff. But she loved that church. It was a lovely church.

It really was. I'm, I'm actually a bit of a fan of churches. I like them.

I like the, the peacefulness, the hundreds of years of incest that's gone on, incense that they've been, you know, the smell of the place. That's what I mean. It's the, even when the, the incense, incest, I can't say the word, even when it's not on.

So even when the incest isn't happening, you've still got that, the aroma. It's almost like the wolves have got a nose. That doesn't make sense.

Like absorbed the smell or the scent rather of the, the smoky stuff. But it might be because I was brought up by Catholic nuns. And I used to have a church in my garden.

I lived with them as well for a couple of years when I was a child, little child. So as opposed to a big child. So I guess that smell was always around.

So maybe it's, it has, I guess there's mixed feelings. There's mixed emotions there, but I, I connect it probably more with my nan than anything else. And she loved that church, but my granddad used to walk her there, walk home and then come back and collect her.

Unless she was meeting up with someone else and coming home that way, getting a lift back because he didn't go to church, but he had no issue with her going to church and she did what she wanted and he did what he wanted. And to be fair, I don't think anything would have stopped her from going to church. You know, it's too important to her.

So she, what am I talking about the church? Oh yeah. Her priest passed away during a funeral while he was performing the funeral. I couldn't believe it.

I've never heard of such a thing. I remember when she told me I was a lot younger back then. I think I laughed.

I kind of laughed, but almost like, cause it's, it's like a comedy sketch, maybe bad taste comedy sketch, but still it doesn't seem real. How can something as horrible as that happen? And I don't think, I don't know if she was at the funeral or not. She said something about poisoning, poisoning.

No, she didn't. I don't know, but she was very close to him, but then she, she was close to all of the priests that came along. Cause I think she grew up or she did grow up.

She was Irish. Both her parents were Irish from Ireland, as opposed to the ones from Turkey. Yeah.

But they actually were, you know, they, they weren't born here. They, they were born in Ireland. They came over.

I think the, her dad worked on the roads and I don't know what her mum did, but from the sounds of it, I imagine her mum did a lot of sitting down because she had a lot of kids, had about 50 kids. So what did she do? I imagine being a mother was more than enough with the amount of children that she had, a lot of children. Plus back in them days, we're going back to the late, I don't know, when was my nan born? 1900 and something.

I think she was about 95 or 96, six years ago. So what is she born in 2010, 1910, something like that. I don't know.

Yeah, it might have been. But anyway, she, which means her parents would have grown up in 18, been born in like 1880 or something, 1870. So it's a different world back then, different world, absolutely different.

And I, it was generally a man went to work in a job, a dangerous job that he didn't, that he didn't like. And he did that for 40 odd years in order to pay for the expenses of bringing up a massive family. And the mother basically raised the family.

And then the man would just retire. And then you know, that would be it. So that's not a very good summary of someone's life.

It was hard, very hard back then. There was no, it wasn't really an easy option unless you were born into money. It was a hard slog.

Unless, of course, you didn't have any kids. But that was something that people, I think accidentally came across the benefit of not having a huge family. Of course, there's lots of benefits for having a huge family that I can, I can relate to, you know, in a way.

Just things like having birthdays and Christmases and Christenings and weddings and all that stuff. The bigger the family, the more often there is an occasion where everyone gets together and it can be fun, I suppose. More people to borrow money off.

More people to argue with. But then there was that mentality back then. I mean, apart from the certain rules that the church had that prohibited, that got in, that maybe got in the way of people having smaller families.

So yeah, I don't know. I know that some cultures, other parts of the world, well, maybe live here now, still have that, have a big family. And I know, I guess it came from having been living in a poor, difficult, really hard part of the world.

We were all like that once, but our countries become a lot easier than it was, you know, a hundred years ago. But some countries are still just as hard as they were back then. So having lots of kids, the chances that they'll be able to look after you when you get old, that's not really the case anymore.

Well, it is the case, it still can be the case, but, you know, we have facilities and, you know, places where people are looked after, hopefully. I think there's always a little bit of, well, if we have enough kids, one of them is going to be bright. One of them is going to earn some money and strive, you know, do well for themselves.

And you only need one. There's a door slamming down in the garden, or a gate. You only need one to do well.

You know, you only, we need one successful footballer. And if you bring them up a certain way, they will give you lots of money. You know, it's because they won't know any different.

That's how they've been brainwashed. So I find that, I find that interesting. I don't know, maybe the sociological aspect of it does mildly interest me.

Just mildly. Not in a huge way, but in a, in a way, in a way. So, how did I get talking about churches? I like, I do like, here's what you should do.

Back in 2003, I was ill with stress, not proper, but I continued to work. I refused to leave my job, or to take, you know, long period of time off ill. Because I didn't, firstly, I didn't want to be at home.

And secondly, I'd worked so hard with that job, to get where I was. And it wasn't like I was at a high position or anything, but I was successful, like in the sales. And I didn't want to be, I knew how they gossiped.

They gossiped so they did. I didn't want to be known as Sick Note, which would be like a nickname that I would be given. And I'd seen other people be given that title.

So I didn't want to be known as that. I wanted to still be known as Weirdo, Weirdo Smelly Man, that's quite good at sales. I prefer that than Sick Note, you know.

I mean, I was hoping that that title would change a little bit, you know, if I start washing, but, you know, who knows, who knows. Anyway, that year, I would go to work, and during my break, my lunch break, I would go to a church that was just around the corner from the office. And it was open to the public.

And I'd go in there, and I'd meditate. Because I was a Buddhist, I would meditate in the church. I kind of thought, well, I've clearly been, what is it? It's not christened, is it? We've baptized, I guess, baptized.

I must have been baptized when I was little. So I felt, well, it's okay, I can go into a church, not that you need to be baptized, and you don't turn into into flames if you're not baptized. I said, I don't think so.

Although I'd quite like to see that. Not, not just, maybe not actually, you know. And it put me off my sandwich.

So I go in there, and I just sit there and meditate. And you've got all that smell that's nice. It was airy.

It was just peaceful and calm. And I really, really liked it in there. And I'd sit there for maybe half an hour, and I'd meditate.

And I did that every day for quite a while. Hoping, hoping, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, hoping that relaxation would increase, that I would feel more relaxed during, well, whilst I was at work. I think it helped.

It definitely didn't hurt to do that. So if I hadn't have done it, it might not have. It's just, it was so full on at the time that it was quite difficult to even gauge whether or not what I was doing was useful.

You know, the meditation, I mean. But I stuck at it. And I think generally, overall, meditation has really been useful.

It's, it's not a quick fix. It's not really a fix, but it's not, it's not something I personally, well, saying that, saying that, I've known people to meditate for the first time. And the first time I meditated, they, you know, and then afterwards, maybe they've sort of talked about it and said, that's the most relaxed I've felt for, you know, years.

And by the way, it wasn't me leading the meditation. It was one of the order members. Although I could lead, I can say that we're quite confident, we're quite confidently, I could lead a group meditation.

I think I could, I think I could, I've proved that hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times over. So I definitely could do that. But I don't think I'd do it as well as the people that do it there.

Because there's one lady that's so good. And she's very, very creative. But then, yeah, I suppose if all I was, not all I was doing, I'm not saying that's all she does.

But if I wasn't doing different kind of things, I think I could do a good meditation. In fact, I am going to be doing more meditations in my relaxation for stress podcast, I'm going to be doing more meditation sessions. Because the value, there's a real value there.

It's just worth, it's worth giving it a go. For those that have never done it. I know some people say, Oh, the idea of sitting for sitting still for 40 minutes, just no way.

Well, the answer to that is, firstly, you don't have to do anything. So if you need to get that out of your mind, the idea of someone telling you, you have to do something you don't. Which means you're choosing to do something.

And that's different attitude. So first of all, your barriers are dropped, your defensiveness is gone. And then the second thing to address is there's no there's no time limit.

You do it for two minutes, if you want to do it for five minutes. If you want to do it for half an hour, you know, it's up to you. Because you're choosing to do it.

If you want to sit there with your eyes open, you can. In fact, it's quite funny to look around at people. Because you're gonna find the odd person has fallen asleep.

Maybe someone even dribbling. It's funny. So I used to do that sometimes.

And not that often, but occasionally, I would sit there with my eyes open. But that was that was more because you know, of how I was feeling. You can meditate with your eyes open as well.

There's actually a meditation technique called Zazen, or Zazen, which is a song in the garden, foghorn, Zen meditation. Zazen or Zazen, I might be pronouncing it wrongly. I don't care.

It's Z A Z E N, I think. Zazen. It might be Z A Z A N. No, it's E N. Anyway, you literally just you got your eyes open.

You're just looking ahead. So if you're on the floor, you might be looking at the wall opposite. You might be looking at the floor, like a little bit of the floor, a little bit of the wall.

And that's it. And you notice, you know, your focus starts to go. You haven't got your eyes wide open.

Like, you know, either in a staring contest with a frog. You literally would. They've got big frogs.

You wouldn't do that. I mean, a frog got big eyes and that's what I'm talking about. Yeah.

You just let your eyes rest, your eyelids rest, because you know, so you're not closing your eyes, but your eyes are relaxed. Because if you were to sit there with your eyes wide open, that's probably the least relaxed you could be. Unless you kind of did the splits.

That'd be another unrelaxing way to sort of do it. Or standing there with a bag of potatoes balanced on your head. You know, there's ways, there's there's ways to not be relaxed, which are quite easy.

But this is a way to be relaxed. What's weird about it is, because I had this audio, it was an audio course that I did back in 1995, I think it was. And I listened through to through it.

And, you know, it's like 12 hours long, this course, and I just went through it every day. And it was just when you stare on just one thing. So, for example, I was sitting on the floor on a pillow probably, and just cross legged and staring ahead of me, which was actually a bit of the carpet.

And something weird started happening. The carpet started to almost kind of distort, melt, like some kind of kaleidoscopic kind of thing. And it's very natural for that to happen when you focus just on one, you know, one little spot is your eyes.

I don't know what happened. I don't know why it happens. But if your eyes just maybe get lazy, or start to, it's almost like a little bit hallucination, but not really.

Because as soon as you move your eyes, everything's back to normal. It's just your eyes, I suppose, focusing, defocusing, just, you know. But it was quite interesting to go through that.

When I learned meditation, the next time I learned meditation was 2002, November. Now, this was a different type of meditation. It was led meditation by a human being in the same room, which I quite liked.

There were other people there as well. Not so big a fan of that to begin with. Sitting in a room with my eyes closed, in a room full of people that I didn't know.

Mmm, you know, I'm not sure about this. So I was sitting there, clutching me coffee flask, you know. It's just, yeah, I felt a bit strange.

But I got used to it after a while. After I was doing it for a few years, quite a few years. And I wasn't sitting there for years and years and years.

I did, you know, it's just that evening. Then I left, you know, like everybody else. I was just still, I'm still sitting there now.

I really do need to eat something. And it was... What was I going to say? It was different having someone there. And it was a different type of meditation because it was, there was two types of meditation that the Buddhist Center taught to beginners.

And it alternates week by week. So the one I went to, I think it was a Wednesday night, I think it was, or Tuesday night, one of them. And one was the mindfulness of breathing.

And the other one was the Metta Bhavana, which was cultivating loving kindness. You can hear all the noise in the background. I'm leaving it in because, I don't know, I think it makes it real, makes it more fresh, almost like you're listening live.

And you are listening live. If you're alive, you're listening and it's live. But it's not, you know, it's been recorded, pre-recorded.

But I think with these recordings, I do like to try and make the recording as background noise free as possible. But at the same time, you know, you've got Andre popping out and running around and doing stuff. So if I leave him in, then I kind of, I should leave the other animals.

Now I should leave, maybe leave other things like the weather, if it's windy or raining. I actually found a recording the other day, an old one, and it was almost a storm going on outside. I thought it was static.

And I realized it was a storm, it was rain, thunder, wind, everything. And I was making a recording during that. Where was my head? Although I did have a fairly popular recording a few years back where I purposely did a relaxation session with a thunderstorm going on, you know, in the background.

And some people like that. Now, I love thunder. I don't really know why, but I absolutely love a big thunderstorm.

Love it, love it, love it, love it. It's a few different reasons. I think, logically or intellectually, I appreciate the power of nature.

And a thunderstorm to me is almost like nature reminding us how powerful it is without actually really doing anything. Saying that, I know there are sometimes lightning strikes and stuff, so that's not good. But generally, it's something about the sound and the static and the... And I like that, I do.

When someone says, like, it's God clearing his throat, it's like... Or when someone's at his school, he's farting, that's what thunder is like. Stop it! That's what you get when you live with nuns. So, the Penguin Brigade.

So, yeah. I'm recording this directly using Adobe Audition. So, I'm recording it directly onto the software itself, as opposed to the app that I was using, or that I normally use.

And I figured, as I'm going to be using the software anyway to do the editing, I kind of, I decided today was going to be the day that I did that. It seems to be going okay, but it's hard. It's hard, it's just, it's hard to know, really.

You know what I mean? It's just, is it loud enough? I just wish I knew. Wish there was a parameters. There probably is.

I need to find a way. I need to just do some research to make the volume perfect for podcasts, like the exact correct volume. Now, some Spotify is pretty good, because they have their own, they seem to be able to improve the sound of the podcast after it's uploaded.

I've listened to some of my stuff, and it sounds better on the Spotify podcast than it did when I uploaded it. So, you know, they're clearly using amazing, amazing technology on their platform. So, it might be something that I, I'm going to look into.

But as I said, as I've mentioned before, there's a few other things I'm going to be getting, and within the next month, really, I think, is the camera, so I can start making YouTube videos. The grip that comes with a camera, and the Rodecaster Podcaster Studio, they're the things that I'm going to be looking to get. So, and then I'll be able to push forward and do more.

But I was thinking about it, you know, I was thinking, if, where's my phone gone? Honestly, where's my phone? It's disappeared. I genuinely do not know where it is. I want to say thank you to Elizabeth for your PayPal gift, and for your kind words.

And I realize this is not the best time to say it because, you know, nearly 50 minutes into the and what Elizabeth said was, because in a previous recording, I'd asked whether or not this actually, anyone finds these recordings, the Let Me Boys Asleep recordings, relaxing. And Elizabeth sent me a PayPal gift and said, in it said, Yeah, I really do. You asked about this.

And I, it used to take me two hours to get to sleep. Now, within 30 minutes, I'm asleep. So there's your there's your proof.

So thank you, Elizabeth. And I will. Well, by the time you hear this, I'll have already sent you a message anyway to say thank you on PayPal, or via PayPal, via email.

And if anyone else would like to send me a PayPal gift with a lovely message, feel free. The link is on my website. The that was why I was thinking about my phone because I was I wanted to read that message out.

But my phone is, it disappeared. It's gone. It's gone forever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

It's gone. It's really, really gone. It's really gone.

It's really, really, really, really gone it's gone it's really really gone it's really really really gone it's really really gone it's really gone it's really gone I don't know what I'm doing I'm gonna stop it's really gone it's really gone it's really gone it's really gone I think on what's gone what if I need to fart what a brilliant title for a book and for a therapy book I thought so and this was ten years ago blimey blimey ten years ago oh ten let's repeat it ten years ago what on earth where does time go

I don't get it I don't understand it just goes so quickly so yeah this is what I was gonna say it dawned upon me why if I'm gonna make one recording you know one and then I'm gonna break it up so there's gonna be a video plus a podcast episode instead of recording the audio separate because you know to get a really better quality sound there must be a way of connecting the microphone that I have to the camera so that the sound is just as good as it would be anyway I'm not sure I

don't know there's there's I need to research it but it just seems it would make more sense to me if what I used to do when I made a video is I would download I do you know I do the video and then I would rip the audio off I don't extract the audio from the video separately and then I would upload that as an mp3 on my podcasts but sometimes I say sometimes probably most of the time the audio was not that great wasn't wonderful so I'd like to avoid that situation again I want

to be doing better better much much much much much better yes indeed very much so oh yeah better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better yeah so that's kind of my plan that's me plan that's what I'm aiming for aiming but we'll see we're gonna find out very soon because I reckon hopefully before the beginning of next month I am hoping to be on my way to having some of that stuff and to start working on it but before that time comes I need to start working on clearing

this room and cleaning this carpet with my carpet cleaner which is a good thing to clean the carpet with obviously the only problem with the carpet cleaner is because the carpets so ruined by little Andre he's ripped up bits of the carpet and the carpet gets caught in the carpet cleaner so you know sort of like every sometimes feel like every every minute I'm stopping and having to dig my fingers in to pull the thing out and I remember to turn the the machine off at the socket so it doesn't you know start while I've

got my fingers in it this is a bit of a grimy grimy job but before I even start that I need to move stuff into the storage room out of here to make room for me to then sort the carpet out and I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to once I get the camera where I'm gonna film because I'm thinking of having a corner part of the room which is solely for filming videos so either have a backdrop of just a white wall or maybe the bookcase something like that but you know nothing

else so I'm just gonna see see how it goes and see how it progresses you know in that way I've got I've kind of got an idea of how I want things to be in here I'm thinking of moving or getting a desk for my bedroom and maybe having that as an office space as well as this so maybe do some stuff in there to break up the the process to break it up into I don't know maybe not we'll see we'll see we'll see but anyway that's that's it I think I think I've pretty

much enough about stuff and therefore maybe I should stop talking about stuff oh my tummy's rumbling oh it's rumbling it really is so that's me thank you for listening remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy lots of love bye