#643 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello and welcome to Jason Newland. It sounds like Dooland, Newland, Newland. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep.

Sleep. Please only listen. When you can safely close your eyes.

So I hope you're well. It's a bit chilly in here. It's a bit chilly.

I've got the window open but I'm going to leave it open because I like the window being open. Yeah, that's the whole story, there's nothing else really. I like to have a bit of fresh air coming in.

I didn't realise until yesterday that the air we breathe is only 20% oxygen. Why is my settee making funny noises? It may just be the sigh of relief now that I've sort of got up and sitting on it. Yeah, maybe.

Rude. Rude. So yeah, things are okay.

Things are alright. How are you doing? How's it going? How's it going? We've all got a message from Rachel saying, loving the new artwork. Well thank you very much Rachel, you're the only person that's noticed.

So thank you. I'm spending way too much time on that, I'll tell you. I really am.

See, when I said that I'm trying to improve the podcasts, I really am, I'm genuinely putting effort in. It's not like me to put any effort, but I'm genuinely, genuinely trying to put a bit of effort and keeping the momentum going. Yeah.

It's... That's my squeaky chair. The one thing I like about this podcast is I haven't got to worry about noises in the background. I don't want lots of noise in the background but, you know, things like a squeaky chair and maybe the central heating coming on, which has just come on because it's killed.

Or the little boy running around, causing havoc. I almost welcome it with him, because I know that some people listening like to hear him. But not when I do the other recordings, of which there are a few that I do, quite a few different ones.

So I try and keep it as quiet as possible. Which ain't always easy, because... See, this time of the night... Cough again, blimey. I press pause on a cough normally.

Sometimes I cough or sneeze or make a weird noise, I just edit it at the end. But... What was I saying? Erm... Yeah, it's quiet at night. Now, officially it's night, because it's 26 minutes past 12.

Technically it's tomorrow, but as far as I'm concerned it's still Tuesday. So this is today, so I'm going to make this recording as today's recording. But, it's quiet now.

The problem is... I can't... I don't know what it is, but... I can't... I tend to want to make recordings during the day. Not morning, but like maybe afternoon time. And I did two recordings earlier.

Was it daily relaxation and sleep... thing. And another one I forget, was it stress and pain relief. And there was a bloody pigeon, Herbert the pigeon, was outside.

He's getting cocky now, he even sits on the windowsill. Hello Jason, you alright mate? You know, just like shut up, go away. That's very rude.

You normally phone me up for a chat. Yeah I know, but this is not the time. You can't be fussy.

Either you're lonely and you love me and you want me in your life, or you don't. Which is it? Okay, I love you, I want you in my life. Just, can't you give me a little bit of space, just... Space is what you want, is it? Space is what you want? Well that's it, we're done.

See how much space you enjoy now, now that I'm not here. Yeah, alright. I hope he comes back.

I do miss him. Herbert, I miss you so much, it's true. There's a song there somewhere.

Oh, Herbert, you are my life, my life. I really should get back to my singing days, you know, just write a few songs. I miss that, you know, I used to really like it, used to enjoy it.

No one else seemed to enjoy listening, but I enjoyed recording. It's a little bit like the podcast, really. I enjoy recording them and no one listens, it's great, I love it.

I get, the stats are still going quite well. I know how much everyone enjoys hearing about it. Yesterday I had a particularly good day.

It's one of my highest, like standard days I've had in a long time. Yeah, I had 11,158 downloads. Today, a little bit less than that, I've had 9,219.

But there's still an hour left of the day for the stats. Because it goes to 130. Yes, it do, it go to 130.

So, yeah, we'll see. It's not bad, really. The only problem is, I was going to say this yesterday.

All of my previous stats has been deleted since I changed over to their new plan. It doesn't tell me, it does on individual podcasts, but not overall. So according to this, my overall, because I've been, I swapped over, what was it? Has it been a week? It's been about a week, isn't it? Maybe five, six days.

I don't know, I can tell exactly which day I swapped over. I swapped over on the 12th of April. Just by, it's the 13th really.

It's the 13th. Yeah, eight, seven days, eight days, seven days, exactly seven days. Seven full days.

So. Now, according to this, my overall statistics for my podcasts. Since November.

2018 is 76,172. When that's how many I've had over the last seven days. But it says that, you know, I've had that for forever.

And it's annoying because I just reached three million a couple of weeks ago. And now I've lost. I haven't lost it because I can get the stats from each individual podcast, but that's not the point.

I can just add them up. It's not the point, it's annoying. It's really, really.

Annoying. Wow. No.

Blimey, I thought. Wow, that's weird. I'm recording this.

I'm going to use my phone because I don't want to like change the app and then lose the recording. If I go into each podcast. I can check the statistics individually, which is good.

So. For the Let Me Boy To Sleep, I can click on that. Even though I've lost the statistics.

The stats, I've lost the stats for the whole year. I can see individually for each podcast. So the Let Me Boy To Sleep, 248,461.

So that's good. Well, you know, it's good that I've lost it. It's not like a brilliant number, but it's compared to some of the others.

However, my most popular podcast, the Relaxation Hypnosis for Stress and Anxiety. I have 724,313 total streams or downloads. Now.

It's weird because it's really, that one's risen somewhat. Like today, so far, I've had 3,008 downloads. Yesterday, 3,976.

It's like, wow. Last 30 days. 30 days, right? 102,327 downloads just from that one podcast.

I mean, blimey. It's not bad, is it? That's just from one podcast. Just from one podcast.

Blimey. There's a hero. If you look inside your podcast.

You'll see that his name is Jason Newland. We don't need another hero. We don't need another hero.

That's my, what other words is there? There's a hero. We don't need another hero. We don't need another hero.

I need a hero. I'm looking out for a hero till the end of the night. He's gotta be strong.

He's gotta be wide. And he's gotta have lots of girth. I need a hero.

Old Bonnie. Oops. Just banging something on the table.

Sorry about that. Blimey. Wow.

How strange. Because, you know, even on the Relaxation, Hypnosis for Stress and Anxiety podcast. In the last 30 days.

One, two, three, four, five. The fifth most popular one. With 620 downloads.

Was number 630, Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Isn't it weird? It's like I get nothing near that on the actual podcast itself. I don't understand.

I don't know why. So, yeah, I've been trying to make images for each of the podcasts. Each episode.

I have kept up to date with adding them to the podcast. Adding them to the website and all that stuff. And also putting in the copyright information for the music.

Because it's free to use. But there is, I have to put a, I forget what they call it. Put the information about where the music comes from.

So I'm keeping up to date on all of that. The wall cavity. You can see.

Shrimps or whatever is inside there is scratching and going. Stop. It's probably the only thing I don't like about this place is the.

I think it's such an old building. And the wall cavities are empty pretty much. The council came around about, I don't know.

Six months ago. And. Basically what they're planning to do.

Is to put sealant. Some kind of. Liquid.

I don't know what it is. It's cavity insulation. And they're planning on putting it into all the outer walls.

As well as the loft as well. Because apparently it's such an old building. It just hasn't got that stuff it needs it.

And what it will do is insulate. And keep the building warmer. In the winter and stuff like that.

And I think what it will do. Hopefully it will. Stop.

Things being able to. Live in there. That would be nice to get that not there anymore.

Yeah it would be lovely. It would be lovely. It would be so nice.

Yummy. So yeah. The thing with this.

Is you know I feel very. You know with this one. I don't know I keep mentioning but.

You know I just talk about my life and tell you about what's going on and. How I'm feeling and what I'm thinking about you know that kind of stuff. Sometimes it's.

Very very mildly. Very mildly. Humorous very mildly like once.

Once every three months I might say something. Just on the tip of being. Witty you know just just just on the on the tip just on the end.

Just just standing there. Looking up at you. Not standing at attention just just.

Just looking just like hey. How you doing. And.

Something that I'm missing is something that I'm missing in my life. And that's reading. Now I can still read.

But I think what it is is. And I think what's made me the person or has. Contributed to me being the person that I am.

Is my ability to read. And. When I was young.

I was. I was a bit of a bookworm. To be honest I was.

And at the time I didn't class as being. I didn't care. I just loved doing I loved reading.

I did love reading and. It's one of those passions that. I seem to have lost a little bit I've lost the.

Not lost it but. Don't participate in something that I know that I love doing. And I've got books.

I haven't got a huge amount of books anymore. Compared to what I used to have. I do still have books I still got a few still got I don't know.

About 300 books or something so it's a small amount but it's still. Most of them are. More textbooks you know like on hypnosis or.

Psychology or philosophy or. I don't know NLP or. Psychotherapy counseling you know that kind of stuff.

But I've got some. I know it's not supposed to use the word storybook but that's what I call them. I've got storybooks as well.

So you know I like. I do like a bit of fiction. But I haven't read much annoying fiction for so long.

Really. And. I'd like to get back into it.

Because I do believe that. I do believe I I'm not sure but. I would say.

That I am who I am. For many life experiences and there's so much that makes us who we are isn't this so much goes into it. But I think having been.

An avid reader. Helped me. In ways that I may not really appreciate.

Because I was you know I left school with zero qualifications. I was called a dunce at school I literally I was in the dunce class. They don't have those classes anymore they call special needs.

So gives you an idea I was a special needs child but they didn't have that term. So. But part of that reason.

My. This is going to be one of those serious serious podcast I'll try not to make it too serious but I will talk about some personal stuff but I don't know. They can't all pick up yes yeah why not.

And. I think. Because I moved around schools so often when I was very young.

Before the age of. Seven. I had moved.

I lived in at least two children's homes. As well as moving around different places with my mother. As well as.

Yeah so from the age of two. Onwards between ages of two and seven. I had quite a. An adventure if you want to call it that.

So I moved around a lot which is probably why. It explained why I've moved around so much as an adult. I've moved I think it's about it's got to be about 50 50 different times I've moved house since I left school.

And. I don't do that anymore. But.

I don't want to do that anymore either. You know. I'm.

There is a quite a big degree of gratitude in me for what I've got. Although I don't I don't feel it that often. But when I talk about it like oh you know what wow.

Compared to places I've lived in the past this is. This is like a like a dream. Honestly it's like winning the lottery in a way.

When I moved here. For all the faults of the place and. Some of the people and you know the kind of environment and stuff.

And. And lifestyle maybe. This is.

Compared to what I've lived how I've lived in the past. This is like a lottery win. I just don't appreciate it.

As often as I'd like to. So maybe having a gratitude journal would be useful I don't know. I hope that's my chair that's squeaking.

Mind you I don't like the sound of that because last time I heard a chair do that it collapsed under me. And there's nothing funny about that. It's funny when it happens to someone else.

But not when it happens to it happened twice to me. Happened up here. When I was sitting in a. One of the wooden chairs I inherited from my nan.

And it just collapsed. And then I was downstairs in a plastic chair like a garden chair that I'd bought. And my friend downstairs he was cutting my hair for me.

And he said oh can you lean back can you just move back a little bit. And I did and the chair just collapsed underneath me. Both of the back.

Feet just broke. Luckily. I didn't get hurt.

But you know I was inches away from smashing my head on the sink or the washing machine. You might say what was I doing. Balancing a chair on top of a washing machine that's got nothing to do with you.

Actually I was in the washing machine. No I wasn't. When I. Moved to my dad's.

When I moved to a little town that he lived in. And. From the children's home.

I used to live in a children's home called Nazareth House. In South End. Essex.

And I left there just before I was seven. It was the summer that I turned seven so it was probably July. And I turned seven in August something like that.

Maybe June something but it was beautiful summer. And. I tell you it's weird.

I'm going to tell you personal stuff here. We lived.Me and my two brothers.

I've got three brothers but the other one. I've got four actually I've got a step brother as well. But I've got three kind of blood brothers blood brothers.

But one wasn't born until I was eight. So. The two that I grew up with.

From a baby. Well. From the age of two because I didn't live.

I didn't live with the others. Because yeah. From the age of about six months.

I don't know if it's between three and six months. The. The biological.

Mother. Took off and. Left us.

So what happened is. And I still. Not sure why.

To be fair. Like why. Why.

But we were fostered. And. My oldest brother.

Lived with my nan and granddad. He was four years older than me. And me and my other brother.

Were fostered. I think we were fostered with the same family. And then they wanted to.

Adopt us. So we were with them for. About a year and a half.

Something like that. So. You know.

They were our parents. Really. So that was my mum.

In my head. I grew up. I didn't even know.

I was a baby. So I wouldn't even remember. The original mother.

But I grew up for a year and a half. With this. This lady as being my mum.

And that man as being my dad. I really don't know where my dad was. At this time.

But my nan and granddad were involved. So I used to. I think I used to see my nan.

There's actually photographs of me. In a pram with her. And I was probably.

A year. A year and a half old. Or a year whatever you know.

So I wasn't. I wasn't a baby. I had blonde hair.

Would you believe. I don't remember this stuff. But.

Because it was. You know. It was a long time ago.

And it was a black and white photograph. They didn't have colour photographs. Back then.

I don't think. It was that long ago. And then.

I found out. Two years ago. Or yeah.

The summer before last. From my auntie. That my uncle and her.

Applied to adopt us. And they did. Got a house together.

Rented a big house. They both had kids. And they were gonna.

I don't know. I don't know if he had kids yet. But he might not have had kids at that time.

But I think she had one. Because I know. My cousin's the same age as me.

Or maybe he did anyway. I think they were gonna do it. So they all lived together.

And. Had us there. So.

All three of us. With the family. But social services.

Said no. Because it's too many kids. This is.

The family's too big. Doing it that way. And they didn't want it.

So. We. Went and lived in foster.

With foster care. But they were lovely. Apparently really.

Foster parents were really lovely. And I'm sure they loved us to bits. I'm sure I loved them to bits.

But. I wanna. I wanna.

I really wanna see if they're still alive. Because. They might not have been old.

They might have been. In their 30s. Or even in their 20s.

You know. Just because someone fosters. Doesn't mean they're in their 50s.

I don't know where I get that idea from. I kinda get the idea. That they'd be like my granddad's age.

And maybe not around anymore. But they might have been young. They might have been in their 20s fostering.

Which means they may very well still be around. Like my dad's age. They might be in their 70s.

And if they are. I would absolutely love to see them. I would love.

To visit them. And say thank you. Just to visit them.

Just say look. I was your son for a year and a half. It's Jason.

It's little Jason. Yeah I know I've grown. Yeah I've still got little Willie.

Don't worry. I haven't changed that much. It's like hey it's me.

And just thank them. Really like thank you for. For looking after me.

And thank you for wanting me. Because they wanted to adopt us. They wanted us to be.

Their.Me and my other brother. Wanted us to be their.

Official. Legal children. So I'd love.

To be able to see them. Or. I don't know.

I don't know how to even go about it. There's no one around that knows. The social services back then weren't.

You know. I'm not sure how organized they were back then. And any paperwork that was around then.

Would be probably long gone. All I know is my. My social worker was called Mr. Wright.

Because I used to see him and he. He's the one that he took me. From.

Yeah he took me from Newcastle. All the way to Southend. On a train.

Probably more than one train to be fair. As I guess Newcastle to London. And London to Southend or something.

And I remember going on the train with him. So I knew him. I kind of got to know him a bit.

Over. A period of time. So I don't know how often I saw him.

And then. He. Remember he got me a drawing.

Like colouring in book. To colour in on the train. Because it's a long journey.

And. I don't remember much about the journey. I just remember the journey.

I remember there was a journey. And it was a long journey. The thing is I don't remember.

Anyone else being with me. Other than just me and him. Which doesn't really make sense.

Because. Both me and my older brothers. Two older brothers.

Were in the children's home in Newcastle. And we both were in. We were all in the children's home in Southend.

Maybe they moved us separately. They moved us to different days. I don't understand.

Honestly I don't. Don't really understand what happened there. But.

Yeah we all moved. Newcastle was a bit weird. No it wasn't weird.

Nothing's weird when you're a kid. When you're tiny. You don't know any different.

The most weirdest things are just. Almost normal. Which is weird.

In itself. But there's a lot of fields. And that was.

I was there during the summer. Where we had ladybirds. Completely.

Take over the entire country. Now you might think I'm lying. But it's true.

You might think I'm a lion. But I'm not. No seriously.

There was ladybirds everywhere. If you put in. Ladybird.

I'm going to do it now. Ladybird invasion UK. Let's see what year comes up.

Okay. Let's have a look. Ladybird.

Oh by the way. Ladybugs. If you're in other countries.

Ladybirds. Ladybugs. Ladybird.

What did I say? Ladybird. Not infestation. Because I don't like.

That's a horrible word. They're beautiful. I love ladybirds.

Ladybirds. Summer. Summer.

1976. Okay. Oh maybe it wasn't.

1976. Ah. Maybe yeah.

It was a summer 76. Just before I went to Southend. So maybe I was only at Southend for a year.

Oh. That's hard to. Anyway.

I remember. And it says. Could the ladybird plague of 1976.

Happen again. The hot summer of 1976. Saw.

Swarms of ladybirds. Infest in towns and cities. Across the UK.

With many people being bitten. And stuff. Bitten.

I stood there with. Millions of them on me. And I counted.

Up to five at that point. I could count up to ten. I could.

And. I never got bitten by one. So apparently.

The average temperature over the whole summer. June July August. Was.

17.77 Celsius. 63.99. But that's the average. So that's weird.

Because 63. That's like they're saying. Oh.

Average over that period of time. So that's not hot. 63 degrees.

63.99. Fahrenheit. That's just a nice day. But 1976.

Was the hottest summer. For more than three years. 350 years.

So the hottest day. Okay it's going to tell me this now. 35.6 centigrade.

It was June 28th. In Southampton. Wow.

But yeah I. I'm going to put in. If I put in. Where did I used to live.

Jordan. Newcastle. Newcastle.

I used to have a very strong accent. I did. Honest.

Wow. Blimey. There's pictures of it as well.

Ladybirds. I love the ladybirds. I do.

I still do. I love them. I'll tell you what I've noticed.

The last week or so. I have seen quite a few bees. Now.

I've noticed. The lack of bees. That I've seen over the last few years.

So I'm wondering. Maybe it's to do with. Less traffic.

Less flights. Less pollution maybe. Perhaps less people.

Maybe that's been. Advantageous for the. The bees.

Because I've seen quite a few. Now that's. That's a plague we don't want.

That's an infestation of. Oh no. I don't think anyone's going to stand there.

And let themselves be covered in millions of bees. Oh no. No no no no no.

Because they get drunk don't they. They don't know what they're doing when they're drunk. They don't know what they're doing.

Let's not go there. I. I remember when I got to the Children's Home in Southend. And I had a can of Coke.

Isn't it weird that I drink Coke. There's. There's a psychological thing there isn't there I think.

But hey. I love Coke. Loved it when I was a kid.

Love it now. I guess it has an emotional. Have an emotional connection to it.

Although most of my life I've not drunk Coke. In any kind of regular way. It's only really recently.

The last couple of years. I used to. Every now and then have a can of Coke.

That was it. That was like. It was rare.

Quite rare. In fact I used to go into the Wimpy. And I'd have a glass of Coke.

And that would pretty much be the only Coke I'd have. You know pretty much all week. That would be it.

But anyway I had this can of Coke. And it was. I guess Mr. Right.

A social worker bought it for me. And I think I had a Mars bar as well. Well anyway.

I was shown to my bed. To where my bed was going to be. Because it was in.

Dorms. A bit like Hogwarts. If you think about it.

If you've never been. If you don't know what a dorm is. Some people won't.

Some people have never lived. In a or stayed in a. A room with lots of other people. This.

This is what this was. It was basically. Like Hogwarts in a sense.

Trying to think. Let's say one two three four five. Maybe ten beds.

Maybe twelve beds in a room. Maybe more. So you'd have your bed.

And like a bedside cabinet. And stuff. And a place to put your stuff.

And that was it. And then. Joined to every room.

There'd be a. There'd be an entrance to the room. And then joined at the end. Was a big.

Washing place where you could. I guess. Clean your teeth and have washes.

And stuff. Toilets as well. In my memory.

But this is very vague. We used to have bath time. Upstairs.

So the bath. Because we used to have carers. Used to come in.

So run by nuns. Catholic nuns. But we used to have.

I just like normal people. Humans. Used to have normal.

Just general people like who. I guess the care workers. Used to come in.

And give us baths and. Take us out and look after us. And stuff like that.

So it's a mixture of those. And the. The nuns that were there as well.

So they were yeah. They lived there with us. The nuns.

I'm not sure if the care workers did or not. I'm not sure. But I lived in a. Huge white house.

I mean. You know when something's huge. When you're like I don't know.

Six years old. And you go back to it. When you're.

20, 25, 30 whatever. You kind of expect it to be a lot smaller. Because you know logically you know.

When you're six. Things that are big. Aren't necessarily going to be big when you're 25.

Like a building. If you go into a like a little. Infant school.

You know with. Five year olds. Six year olds.

And if you go into those schools. Everything's tiny. The chairs the tables.

And the kids obviously. But you go in there like. Blimey.

You feel like a giant. Like walking around. And just like.

Wow. That's what I expected. I didn't.

You know I didn't when I went in there. Because I visited. And I was like.

Because you know. It was normal sized tables. That's what they said.

Why are the chairs small? Well they weren't they were just normal chairs. You had to climb up to get onto them. Oh.

So none of the kids. Feet would touch the ground. Pretty much unless they were very very tall.

And much older than me. Anyway the can of coke. Mr Wright took us to this.

And to the. One of the ladies. Dressed in a costume.

So I don't think it was wasn't. Wasn't one of the nuns. I guess it was one of the care workers.

I'm pretty sure. And she said. Oh I wouldn't leave that can of coke there.

Someone will nick it. I laughed. And she laughed.

Mr Wright laughed. And then she. I left it there anyway.

Came back. And it wasn't there anymore. I don't know who took it.

I'm still looking for that person. I want to know. I want to have a chat.

How could you do that to me? So yeah that went missing. And. And then I got I suppose.

A guided tour. So I wasn't in the same room. As my brothers.

They were in different dorms. And I think the dorms were kind of by age. You know the older kids lived in different dorms.

And I think. I'm pretty sure the girls lived in a different dorm as well. Now that.

Children's home used to be. Single sex. In the past but.

They changed it in the 60s or 70s. So that it had both boys and girls. But a lot of the.

Nazareth houses because there's lots of them all around the world. And it's the. Sisters of Nazareth or something that run it.

Or that used to run it. And. They were mainly either all boys or all girls.

I was lucky that it was both. So I got to meet girls and boys. And.

I don't remember so when I moved away from there in the summer. Of 1977. I don't remember.

Missing. Any of my friends. And.

I don't know if I've ever missed anyone ever. I don't know. I don't really have that in me I don't really miss people.

So I don't know if I missed any of the friends. Which seems a bit weird considering I lived with them. You know you got if you're at school.

You got a friend. You see them. You might see them outside of school you might even be in class with them.

And see them during the day. Add living with them. Add eating with them.

Having baths with them. Maybe not the same time but you know having going through that whole like pretty much with them. Sort of.

24 hours a day. There's got to be a bond there. It's more like family than a friend.

These are more like brothers and sisters to me than. Than friends. In fact I probably.

Didn't get on with some of them I'm sure some of them I didn't like. So very much like brothers and sisters. Very much like family.

And. Then yeah I didn't see them. Ever again.

That's weird isn't it. I mean that might have been quite. Quite upsetting for some of them.

I mean I. I'm sure I probably had really good friends there. Like really close friends. I just don't remember.

Don't remember. I remember there was a little black girl there that I used to. Was friends with and she used to let me do her hair.

Because she had this comb and she used to let me comb her hair. So I used to like that. And she wouldn't let other people do it.

She was very. I think she thought people were making fun of her and stuff. But I genuinely.

Was interested. Just like oh okay. So she used to let me brush her hair with a brush and stuff.

And I think she might let me plait it as well. Yeah probably. She probably plaited my hair because I had long hair back then.

Really big thick curly hair. But that was the 70s. It was the style.

You know just because you're in a kids home. Don't mean you can't have. Panache.

Still got to look good. You know I mean. Right now.

Right now. So. I can't remember any of the other kids.

I do remember my first ever book. And it was Jackanory. Jackanory book.

And. I got it from. I think basically the children's home used to have jumble sales to raise money for.

The children's home I guess. And the local. The local.

People. People. Hello Andre.

Hey. Should I grab him? Should I grab him? No I'm kidding. No I think he's gone to the toilet.

And. I. Yeah they. Yeah probably raised money.

Got money from the community. Stuff. Jumble sale stuff.

You know old stuff. Given to them by the local community. And.

I think what it was. I'm not sure if I ever bought the book. Or someone gave it to me.

Hello now I'm going to grab him. Hey darling. Yeah.

Hello. How's my little baby boy? How's my little baby boy? Get off me now. Stop it.

Be nice. You be nice. Go and have a bath.

That'd be nice to me. You really are so rude. How can you tell me that I smell? You're a ferret.

Yeah I've got a reason. Shut up. You shut up.

No you. You. You.

You're giving daddy kisses. Oh I think you secretly like me. I think you secretly like me.

You secretly care. Yes you do. No I don't.

Get off. You do. You.

Stop feeding me then you realise how much I like you. You got your food down there. You got your water.

Did you do a poo just now or was it a wee wee? You went to the front door so I don't know what he's done. What have you done? Give me kisses. Give me kisses.

I'm going to have to cut your nails mate. Your fingernails are getting a bit too long. A bit too long.

You might start catching them into something. But I can't really bother to do them. But I need to don't I? I need to do your fingernails.

Grrrr. Anyway where have you been? Hey where have you been? I haven't seen you for about an hour. Eh? I was hiding.

Why? You're talking about that bloody children's home again. Don't stop talking about it. Let it go.

It's the past. Let go of the past. Just think about the future.

Think about now. Look at what you've got now. What about me? You don't think about me.

All you think about is the past. What about me? Shut up. You're such a little wally.

Yeah I know. I was in a children's home. Who's this an impression of? I was in a children's home.

Poor, poor me. I've moved house five thousand times. Pop.

Andre. You really are being annoying now. You're very rude.

Who am I then? Who's this then? Go on then. You want to do another impression? Yeah, yeah. I want to do another impression.

Guess who's this then? Yeah, go on then. Guess how many people have listened to my podcast today? Yeah. A thousand million people.

A thousand million. Oh, wait a minute. It's now seven thousand million in the last half a second.

I'm so famous and so popular. Andre, that's it. I've had enough of you.

Yeah, likewise. Why are you so rude? Why can't you just behave yourself? You're not like this. Normally.

As soon as the microphone comes out you just, you just start acting up. Touché. Stop it.

Kisses. You can have some dinner. Go and have some dinner, mate.

You are such a naughty boy. You are. Go on.

Bugger off. Oh dear. Yeah.

I was. I'm not going to talk about it anymore now that he's made fun of me. But yeah, so.

Yeah, the book. My very, very first book I ever, well that I remember having. Because.

And I'm not, I'm not saying this through like, oh, woe is me. I'm not doing it from that angle. But.

You know, you live in a children's home. You're basically an orphan. That's kind of the position you're in.

You don't get stuff because you've got no family to give you anything. You know what I mean? It's like you don't get birthdays and Christmas presents and stuff like that, really. So I didn't have much stuff.

But we used to get gifts sent in from the community. You know, like the charities that give presents to children's hospitals and children's wards and stuff like that. Well, we used to get stuff like that.

And. So it wasn't, you know, it wasn't completely. Well, we weren't completely bereft of anything.

But a lot of it was sharing, you know, share because. I don't know, it just is the way it was. So if you've got something for yourself that is yours.

You'd want to hold on to it. And that's what happened with that book. That was my book.

And it was a Jackanory book, and it just had some stories in it. And. On the inside, I've talked about this in the past, probably a long time ago.

There is a rhyme. And it was. Was it? Yeah, I'll tell you a story about Jackanory.

And now my story's begun. I'll tell you another about Jack and his brother. And now my story's done.

So that was the rhyme, the first page in or something on the inside, you know, that was the first rhyme. And then there was. I don't know, I wonder if the book's actually still available.

Could you imagine if I could get a hold of that book? That'd be weird, wouldn't it? Jackanory book. 1970s. Jackanory vintage story.

Jackanory vintage story. June, Jackanory. Jackanory.

Oh, Jack, Jackanory, OK. Jackanory book 1970. I'm sure it's more like this might be the one.

Jackanory. The bread bin. No.

No. Stories from Russia. No, that wasn't the one.

Jackanory. Lizzie dripping by the sea. Silver Jackanory.

I'm just looking at the covers. I don't see one. The.

Shouts out at me. The lazy leprechaun. I'm sure it's like a. Oh, this might have been Jackanory.

Jack stories. I think that might be the one. Because Jack BBC TV.

Oh, my goodness. I think that is the one. Wow.

No, because it says there. Published by Penguin Books Limited 1991. That can't be right.

Then it says here 1977. 1991. OK.

OK, fair enough. Jackanory. Nice is given a list of all the different books.

My one 1975. 34 pound 30 pence. Plus 26 pound 45 shipping.

Wow. So I'm going to. I'm going to do Jackanory.

Jack stories. I'm going to search. Because it might be available.

To download. Jackanory. Jack.

And nori. Jack stories. So I do remember there's like I'm sure there was like Jack in the beanstalk.

So that makes sense. Jackanory. And I found one on eBay 12 pound.

Oh. Originally published in 1968. I wonder.

Oh my goodness. Wow. Jackanory.

Is a BBC's children's television series. OK. Jackanory.

Which was originally broadcast between 1965. And 1996. So the television show.

But they did books as well. The show was first transmitted on the 13th of December. 1965.

And the first story. Was the fairy tale. Cap rushes.

Cap rushes. Read by Lee Montague. Jackanory.

Continued to be broadcast. Until 1996. With around.

3500. Episodes. In its 30 year run.

The final story. The house. At poo corner.

By a mill. Was read by Alan Bennett. And broadcast on the 24th of March.

1996. The show was briefly revived. On the 27th of November.

2006. For two one-off stories. And the format.

Was revived. As Jackanory Jr. On CBeebies. Between 2007 and 2009.

Oh. And. Stories.

I wonder if there's any. Jackan title. Wow.

The show's title comes from. An old English nursery rhyme. Okay.

Here's the rhyme. I'll tell you a story. About Jackanory.

And now my story's begun. I'll tell you another. Of Jack and his brother.

And now my story is done. The rhyme was first recorded. In the publication.

Of All. For Little Masters and Misses. Which appeared.

About 1760. Which means. That.

That rhyme might have been in all of the books. Isn't it weird that I remember it though. That's a long time ago.

You think about it. I was. Six.

Five or six. Well at least six when I had the book. Wow.

And I still remember that little rhyme. Shall I sing it to you. No thank you.

No you're okay. But that book. Was the start of me.

Reading really. I knew how to read. I must have done.

Because I was reading that book. And I think that's one of the things. With nuns you can't.

They're very strict. And I think you. You do learn to read.

You know it's. Because you know. There's Bible study and all that stuff.

Quite early on. So I did know how to read. I'm not sure how my writing was.

But. I found out. Or I was told that.

I was. When I was seven. I was years behind.

All the other kids. I was so far behind. In my education.

Because of all the moving around I'd done. Hadn't really settled anywhere. And.

You know it's going to take a lot of catching up. I never caught up. I never caught up.

And then when I was eight. Just before I was eight. For the ages of seven.

They discovered I was. I was eight. Anyway I was about that age.

They discovered I was deaf in one ear. Well not completely deaf. But very very badly.

Hearing deficient. And because I was having ear. Earaches.

So I kept going to the hospital. And they were doing these tests. And just basically listening.

Tell us when you can hear the ding. Ding. Ding.

All these different pitched. Notes. I used to have to press the button.

When I could hear it. I ended up having an operation. To have my adenoids removed.

Because they thought that was. What was blocking my ears. Or blocking my ear.

Which was getting in the way of my hearing. And. My hearing was never completely restored.

So I was walking around. Not knowing that I was deaf in one ear. So I wasn't.

And I always used to sit at the back of the class. Didn't like sitting at the front. Didn't like having people behind me.

And. So I didn't. Couldn't really hear.

Always what was going on. What the teacher was talking about. But what added to that.

Is I had no interest either. So that didn't help. So yeah.

So being able to read. And write. Because I used to.

For 20 odd years. I used to write a journal. So being able to.

Read and write. Is. Being very beneficial to me.

I think as an adult. To grow. And to.

I don't know. To learn. And to.

I don't know. Progress maybe. So.

I feel very fortunate. That. I have my.

Mathematical ability. Maybe very low. I'd say I've probably got the.

Mathematical ability. Of a 10 year old probably. I can do basic arithmetic.

Arithmetic. But when it comes to fractions. Unless it's quarters.

Or thirds. Or halves. That's kind of when I. I don't go any further than that.

I understand some of the things. Like fifths and stuff. But start adding bits up.

Or dividing. And like nah you're alright. You can do this.

You want the answer to that. You just find it for yourself. I'm not that interested.

But then I never got involved. In. Physics or science.

Or anything. But when it really did notice. Became noticeable for me.

Was when I was learning. This is a couple of years back actually. Not that long ago.

I decided to learn how to. Do some computer programming. Now I know how to.

Well I used to know how to build websites. From scratch. Using code.

And I was. Didn't need any mathematical ability. Really.

I didn't. Know percentages and stuff. But really it didn't.

But to start. Programming. It was fine until.

I started doing. Images and circles. And stuff like that.

And needed to know. Percentages and fractions. And.

I kind of just dropped it. It was just. I wasn't enjoying it.

I was like hey I just stopped doing it. So. Working with numbers.

Isn't really my thing. Really. It's not something that I would enjoy.

Or have enjoyed. But being able to read. Being able to comprehend.

Even more is more important isn't it. You know to be able to. Actually understand.

What I'm reading. Which I don't always. I'll be honest.

Sometimes I have to read. Something a few times. Before I kind of.

Grasp what it is. That's just the instructions on the. Microwave.

Meal for one. Okay I'm going to figure this out. Just got to read it one more time.

So. 10 minutes. And then.

I can take it out. And stir it. And then eat it.

No. I've got to put it back in. For another two and a half minutes.

All in all 12 minutes. How does that work out. 10 minutes.

Two and a half minutes. Is it 12 minutes is it. Too much.

Too much. I'm doing myself. A huge service.

By saying this stuff but. I don't mind. I don't care.

I don't care. The colour of your hair. So.

I do believe. That is the end. Of this recording.

A few personal details. About my life. Nothing.

Particularly juicy or exciting. Just a few random. Memories.

Memories. Of the time you. Drank my milk.

I have got so many. Memories. Of the way things were.

So yeah. That's it. I shall.

Yawn. Sleepy man. I shall.

My beautiful people. My wonderful. Wonderful people.

I shall. I shall. Return.

Again tomorrow. With more wonderfulness. Than you can ever imagine.

It's gonna be good. It's gonna be great. Snack crackle pops.

Beep beep beep. Right so that's it. Thank you for listening.

Take care of yourselves. And I will see you. Again.

Tomorrow. Yeah. Tomorrow.

Lots of love. Oh yeah. Remember to be kind to yourself.

Because you deserve to be happy. Bye.