#633 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com My name's Jason Newland and this is let me bore you to sleep. Please only listen to when hmm you can safely close your eyes.

So I've got a cough quite this a bit little not very it's a bit um yeah it's quite a strong cough and because of that I'm struggling a little bit to talk without coughing I'll be I will be editing out the coughs as I go but what I'm going to do today I'm going to do a little bit something a little bit different just so that I've done something does that make sense so what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna gonna I'm gonna not going to I'm gonna um yeah I'm gonna do a relaxation sleep

boring recording but not not what I normally do so this is more of a hypnosis-y type of thing um okay so if it's not for you then fine I press the pause or stop button or something and go away and go and do something else you know I mean I mean these these let me bore you to sleep recordings I'm really putting I'm milking it like I'm not poorly I don't feel ill I've just been coughing but I'm just making it like it's like I'm trying to make my voice sound croaky you know it's like

I'm phoning up work to have the day off do you ever do that when you're actually you're legitimately ill you know you're legitimately I can't say the word unwell yet you're phoning up and yet you feel you feel pressure to put on to put on an exercise ill-sounding voice I remember once I actually literally was um I phoned in right to work and saying oh oh yeah can I can I speak to Steve please yeah oh hi hi Steve uh yes Jay is Jason um oh yeah new new new new land new land Jason okay

Newland Jason Newland yeah okay hi um yeah I just let you know I won't I won't be in I won't be in to work this week um I broke my arm my arm my arm broke and I won't be able to come in but hopefully next week it'll be healed enough in order for me what yeah that was a pretend sneeze yeah I didn't want to do it too loud I didn't didn't want to you know sneeze in your ear you know I mean not in your ear literally but on the telephone yeah what do

you mean what do you mean putting on a fake fake ill voice oh I don't need to not for a broken arm oh oh it's legitimate isn't it oh I didn't think about that I'm just so used to phoning up lying when I need the day off and pretending that I've got a cold or you know family bereavement you know how's you do yeah I know I've got a lot of a huge family according to me and my lies yeah I'm sorry about that I just yeah yeah sorry sorry Steve I just assumed that I

needed to lie and put on this uh ill voice when actually I feel great I mean the painkillers are top notch don't you know and you know best thing of all it's my left arm it makes very little difference to my life what really honestly well you know I'm right-handed well I do all the the important things with my right hand yeah like that yeah and yeah yeah no yeah yeah yeah exactly oh dear what no I'm not gonna send you a photograph of me doing that that's just weird you're supposed to be my boss

you can't can't be asking me for stuff like that really see you want me to take a selfie of myself doing that really you want me to wearing a leather jacket so basically you want me to do a Fonzie pose stand there with my fingers up but one is in a cast what does that amuse you does it does that amuse you tickles your fancy do it oh gets you through the boring hours of the afternoon in the office do it no no no I'm not being rude no no yeah I'm on it I'm gonna

get it I'm gonna do yeah it's fine photograph of me in the Fonzie pose with my right thumb up and I'll be honest with you my left thumb is just it doesn't do anything it's just there I mean I honestly don't know if my left thumb ever did anything I never noticed it until I couldn't use it and it's weird it's almost like my left thumb is somehow attached to near my elbow because when I go to move my thumb I can feel it there I mean how can that yeah I know the arm yeah

I know the thumb is attached to the arm it's attached to the wrist which is attached to the arm which is attached to the elbow yeah I do know that yeah I remember the song I learned it at school heads knees and toes heads knees and toes oh you mean the other one to do connected to the the elbows connected to the knee bone the knee bones connected to the coccyx yeah I know I know I got it wrong I was trying to be humorous you really don't get me do I mean we've known each

other for quite a few years now I come into the office hello Steve hi yeah yeah no it's fine I know you're a busy person I know you know you've got a sales floor to manage and that but no one's in yet are they what the oh just the other Steve yeah he lives there doesn't he I swear he's got a sleeping bag inside his trousers that was a weird thing to say wasn't it no what I mean I'm not saying that I look at his no I don't look at that I don't look in

I don't think about what's inside his trousers I'm talking about he lives there yeah he's not going to sleep on the floor without any kind of bed in is he we all need a degree of comfort of course we do what do you think he's going to sleep on a bed of nails this isn't China no I didn't mean India that's just racist were you saying stuff like that well you don't you you don't know the difference between India and China so is that what you're saying that I don't is it what you're saying is

that what you're saying or are you saying you think that everybody in China sleeps on a bed of nails because that my friend is probably not true I don't know I don't want to generalize don't what I do but you know I mean this we're not allowed to anymore but I don't generalize but I'm pretty sure that the whole of China do not sleep on a big bed of nails that would just be weird wouldn't it mind you one of the benefits that I imagine Steve is uh what do you mean why do I keep

calling you Steve it's your name yeah yeah I do know who you are yeah of course you're Steve and you're talking to me I'm talking and you know who you're talking to and I know who I'm talking to therefore I don't need to keep saying your name yeah all right I don't know I don't know why it's just uh I see it on I just it's does it matter really does it matter can I get back to what I was saying please did the ghost ask you something does anyone ever call you Steve they don't

I'm glad about that anyway uh if you put two people on the match you know on a double bed of nails the benefits is one moves around it's not going to affect the other is it because it's a it's a bed of nails isn't this not great for war beds though hey no it's another reason I was just some people like to have some people called Stephen which I guess is your name it's not so your actual name is Steve S-T-E-V-E are you sure no no no no not not question your ability to remember your

own identity I just yeah this conversation isn't quite going how I expected it is lasting quite a long time um I'm actually considering coming in today I'm feeling a bit better but you're not sorry sorry sir um yeah no no I just wondered if you call yourself Steve S-T-E-V-E instead of Steve Steve I just seen it I had a friend who dated someone called Steve and I said yeah when she told me I said it's not his name is it it's not me calling myself jay sir jay sir jay sir it's just not finishing the

name is it that's what it is steve why miss out the how how much of in a hurry do you need to be in order to not have time to finish the name steve it's not a long name is it you know it's not it's not like you're waiting for asylum you're trying to explain your name it's just steve steve easy yeah no no no that's fine I just phoned in to talk to tell you about my arm yeah okay no no I just that's all counselling why would I want counselling need counselling what do

you mean what emotional issues huh what do you mean issues with social skills you knob wait I was joking when I said no listen no Steve sorry boss I was joking it was a joke no don't get angry I was joking you know it's this you know it's social skills you know and then me saying then calling you a knob at the end of it what do you mean I got problems with social skills you knob it's a it was a joke I wasn't calling you a knob I know that all calls are recorded I

know it's a call center I'm not you're gonna take me to court come on I was joking I know you're not gonna take me to court I know I know look my social skills must be quite good I'm one of the top sales people there you can't be doing sales jobs and talking to people on the phone all day every day without some social skills what do you mean it's because they can't see me that's why they I've got a face for radio no no you're the one being insulting come on can you stop laughing

please Steve Steve Steve it wasn't that funny yeah face for radio yeah I heard oh now it's funny if you say the perfect face for radio that makes it funnier somehow that I've got the perfect face for radio why is that funny well of course they can't see me if it's on radio that's why it's funny because they can't see me it's a bit cruel isn't it don't you think it's a little bit cruel I don't know I'm just thinking just off the of the cuff that what you just said to me there was unprofessional

and I don't think there is any need for it to be honest with you I only phoned to let you know that yeah yeah my what was it the weekend I broke it I couldn't call you on Sunday although it's Saturday afternoon but not you know it was in hospital but I couldn't call you because you weren't at work so that's why I'm calling in now before the you know the normal day starts so it's yeah it's ten to nine now but it was quite a lot earlier before I was about half eight when I

called you I just wanted to make sure that uh what do you mean what am I wearing that's a bit of a random question oh because of the cast okay yeah uh well a t-shirt so I can't you know there's nothing I've got no clothes that go over the cast um because it's quite thick so I'm wearing a t-shirt yeah and I've got a top that I can put on but it's yeah it's not ideal um I basically have to have the arm underneath me not underneath me no I'm not in a romantic relationship with

my left arm oh because it's underneath me is that your sense of humor is it it's times like this that I really regret you know investing in that timeshare with you well it's just that you're like this with me you know you know I've got a bad arm and I just think it makes it a bit awkward when it comes to going on holiday to Tenerife together yeah exactly yeah that's yeah okay I told you I was gonna send the picture I can't do it while I'm on the phone can I I don't know why

I've got an iPhone and well I don't know I've never tried but maybe I can take a picture and talk on the phone at the same time I don't know I never I've never tried I just assumed that it wouldn't really be positive yeah okay a cactus no I have never sat on a I've never sat on a cactus what a random question to ask oh there's one there oh yeah it's fine you collect them don't you but the ones you've got they're only little ones that fit on the desk oh I didn't know they

became you get big ones don't shout out the what about the desert the desert the desert there's loads in the desert you know the big ones in the desert look um when I think of cactuses I think of was it cacti cactuses uh from you know like shops and stuff they're usually quite small aren't they you try and buy one of those big ones from the desert in a shop you ain't gonna do it are you you ain't gonna find it are you mr steve mr big man mr boss man ain't gonna do it because

they're gonna get it home how you gonna get it home where they're gonna carry it on the bus say yeah no because it's too big it's not practical is it mr stevie mr big boss stevie mr um mr perfect mr stevie hello hello yeah you cut out there oh you had to pop out to go to the toilet that's nice a bit rude I was just talking to you and um I thought you were there I don't know you yeah I know all the calls recorded you I don't know the yeah you could listen back

but I wouldn't bother it wasn't interesting no I was just saying something about uh I was wondering what what kind of present to get you for your birthday yeah yeah right okay all right I don't know why you're reading this list out I'm not taking notes did you did you you forgot where you were didn't you you thought I was your receptionist taking notes down I'm not I don't take notes no I can't use my my left hand hand I'm left I'm left-handed that's why yeah left-handed apart from where where you know left-handed yeah okay

okay fair enough well have a good day boss and um it's gonna be it's gonna be six weeks before my arms healed but I'm gonna be able to probably you know can sit there using the phone in about a week's time and I need a bit of time recovery you know before I come back okay yeah thanks thanks for answering and um yeah so I didn't need to call I could have just done this online oh brilliant well I suddenly remember the next time I break something because it hurts that's why I'm mentioning it yeah

that is the reason I called like you saying will you stop going on about it stop going on about it me well I'm a human being there's a process occurring you know there's stuff going on I'm not a static caravan hello Steve you still there hello is it me you're looking for I can see it in your eyes I can see it in your smile so that's okay I mean just the end of this recording so it's a little bit shorter I was gonna do I don't know what I was gonna do really really but

I'm going to definitely have a nice rest now be gentle with yourself and remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy lots of love bye