#647 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com My name My name is Jason Newland. It is and this, this is let me bore you to sleep. It really is and please, please, please, I beg of you, please only listen to this.

Only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes, please. Thank you very much. Oh, come on, if that don't win Oscar, what will? That was brilliant acting.

So there, let's have a drink. Hope you're well. Hope you're doing well.

I've still got a bit of a cough. I don't know why I sniffed then. I haven't got a cold, I've just got a cough.

I just got a cough. But there you go. Tomorrow, I have a food delivery delivery.

So really weird, the cough only comes on when I'm talking. It's annoying. I keep having to press the pause button.

Eventually, after I've been talking for a while, the cough just goes. So I had a similar thing a while back, a few years back. And it was a cough almost caused by stress.

I worked in a call center. And I kept coughing while I was talking. I was tested for asthma.

The nurse, the asthma nurse or whatever. And the doctors, they weren't sure if I had asthma. I was kind of on the cusp.

So they gave me a, was it a purple and a blue squirty thing? Yeah, so I was on those steroid things for a while. But then when I went on to antidepressants, cough went away. So yeah, that was a weird, weird experience really.

I've had, I don't feel particularly stressed really. I make a lot of, quite a few recordings. But you know, they're aimed at relaxing people.

And I find that I get relaxed too when I make them. But the reality is all of the work that goes on behind the scenes. When I'm not actually making a recording.

I, well it's just a lot of editing and a lot of other stuff that goes into it. I'm not moaning or complaining. I'm just, just letting you know.

Maybe I put a bit too much into it. I don't know. You wouldn't think so though, would you? I mean, look at the results.

I don't think anyone listening to my recordings would think that. Now that man puts a lot of effort into that podcast. But they would be wrong.

They're so wrong. So statistically, oh here we go, here we go again, here we go again. It's three minutes to ten.

So there's still three and a half hours left for the stats to kind of complete. Yeah, three because it goes on to 1.30. And then I guess 1.30, one, two, the following 1.30, whatever. I've had 8,457 downloads today.

So that's all right. So what I can do. I can't even see the whole month because I swapped over on the 12th of April to the new plan on Spreaker.

Which means. And I don't know. I don't know why all the stats before then are deleted.

Deleted, I tell you. Which is a little bit annoying. All it means is you're never going to get another post on Facebook where I say, oh, I've got 4,000 downloads.

Because I won't know when I've had 4,000 downloads. Because according to this, I've had 142,035 downloads. That's it.

Forever, that's it. That's 15 days I've had that in. So all I can do really.

Is go for weekly. So last week, I had 71,556 downloads. Current week.

Bear in mind, it's only Tuesday. 24,220. So the last seven days, 64,982.

So there is. There's a few. I guess it's weird because if I go into the individual podcasts.

So let's look at my. It's really weird because it shows me it's so I could add it all up. Oh, no, really? You're joking me.

Oh, no, I'm looking at the wrong one. Wow, it said 27,000 downloads. No, what's happened? Okay, go to the statistics.

So this is my most popular podcast. Relaxation, hypnosis, stress and anxiety. So.

Well, the full title is anxiety and panic attacks, but there's not enough room in the title for that for some reason. So. A total of 747,879.

But in the last last month, I had 73,640. Current month. And there's still three more days left.

91,039. In the current month. So.

Last week, 26,000 current week. 8145. But that's, you know, three days.

Three. So I suppose I could I could add it all up. But, you know, who wants to? Really, it's just a lot of work to do.

Work. I don't know what that noise was. A frog.

A frog trying to blow a bubble chewing gum bubble. I don't know. I don't know.

I'll stretch my legs. Oh. Someone recently.

I've got a stutter, honestly. I think it's the coughing. I think it's because I want to go to talk.

I feel I'm going to cough. So I'm stopping myself from talking. So maybe that's what that is.

Maybe I need to take a break, take a holiday. Go canoeing or something. No, no, I don't think I'm going to go canoeing.

No, it doesn't sound right to me. Canoeing. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I went canoeing once. I was in the Sea Cadets. And I remember I had all this gear on.

So I had the life jacket on. I had the helmet. Well, I had to wear a helmet most of the time anyway.

But I had the paddle. And I remember sitting in this. It's kind of made of fiberglass or whatever.

This canoe. And then having this plastic covering over the top of it to keep me in or something. I don't know.

And I thought, this is good. I thought, yeah, I'm afloat. It's floating, which is good.

I wouldn't feel so secure now because I weigh a little bit more. But I might just like drop to the bottom of the pond. We weren't in a pond.

It was a river. But you know, had it been a pond. So I'm sitting there thinking, good, got my life jacket on.

I might have even had goggles on as well. I don't know. But I was safe.

Everything was fine. Had me paddle with the two little flappy bits on each side. And I was like, OK, you can let me go now.

And they said, no. I said, what do you mean, no? He said, you have to practice safety first. I said, that's why I've got this safety jacket on, innit? Huh? He said, no.

That's in case you get into an accident and you end up unconscious. So the safety jacket keeps your head above the water. You know, in case you get into trouble.

This safety measure has got nothing to do with that. This is in case you get trapped. I said, what do you mean trapped? We talked about Will.

He said, well, you know, if you get trapped, caught in inside the canoe. I said, OK. He said, so what you got to do is go under and come back down the other side.

You got to basically roll over. I said, I don't want to. He said, you have to do it.

I said, I don't want to. I don't want to do it. I can still feel the emotions.

I really didn't want to do it. I still don't. I still don't want to do it.

Why would you purposely capsize yourself? Honestly, it's like getting in a plane and purposely crashing. I mean, come on. Ridiculous.

He said, it's nothing like that. It's nothing. I said, it's what you're basically asking me to do, crash the plane.

He said, you're not in a plane. I said, I know. I'm not talking metaphysically.

I'm talking metaphorically. And he said, that's quite bright. Where did you learn that? I said, I saw it on a toilet wall.

Next to the phone number of your mum. He punched me. And I said, so he said, well, don't worry.

I'll tip it over. And if you, there's people, I got distracted by randoms walking in the garden. I've got the windows open.

Letting some air in. Yeah. Sometimes this room, I don't know why, has a weird smell.

Between Andre and my farts. I think this, I reckon this whole building would just be condemned. Anyway, I'm going to go to bed now.

Okay. So I'm in the canoe. And the sea cadet boss, I was with the sea cadets.

So there was all these ex sailors and professional. We are former seamen. And there was no sea women.

It's just seamen there. So I don't know. I don't know if that's before women were allowed in the Navy.

Or maybe women have always been allowed in the Navy. I don't know. But definitely used to be predominantly men.

But then it used to be like that for all the forces, didn't it? There was a time when women were not allowed to be applied. Was it for, was it the Marines? Because I now remember the first Marine, female Marine, was Demi Moore. I remember that.

I used to really, before Demi Moore got famous, I used to really fancy her. So I tell you, I watched her in a film. Actually, it might not be before she got famous, but it was in a film.

I want to look it up now. Because I think it was in the 80s, probably 87, 88. And she became famous really with, was it Ghost? And then she was in, in Decent Proposal, wasn't it? And then she went on to be, she was, she shaved her head and became all muscly.

I remember that. And she married, what's his name? Demi Moore. She was in a film with, what's his name? Mr. Madonna.

And yeah, We're No Angels, which I really liked. I just thought when I, it's the first time, I know she was already famous, just looking at some of the films that she had done. Like St. Elmo's Fire is, well, it's a, it's a big film.

I don't know if it was how popular it was at the time. But just after We're No Angels, she did Ghost and A Few Good Men. Is that where she played the, a soldier in Decent Proposal? Oh God, yeah.

So I just remembered. She became famous, didn't she, for striptease in 96. No, G.I. Jane, that's when she got all muscly and stuff, which was the following year.

Um, I mean, she's still in films. I just, I don't remember her really being in anything that was like huge. Although she did, did you know that she produced the Austin Power films? Yep, she produced, she's produced quite a few films, actually.

Wow, I didn't realize that. She produced, she was in Mortal Forts and she produced it. Now and then she was in that film and she also produced it.

She produced If These Wars Could Talk. She also produced G.I. Jane as well as being in it. And she produced two of the Austin Power films.

Despite Her Shag Me, Goldmember, there was three Austin Powers films, wasn't there? She produced two of them anyway. But anyway, the point I was trying to make is We Know Angels. See, I really liked that film.

So it was Robert De Niro and Sean Penn. I tell you what, it was Robert De Niro before he kind of turned in a sense of getting older. He was still, he was still kind of young then, you know, because he's, I think he's 92 now.

So this is back in 1989. Yeah, that makes sense, because it was 1990 that I rented it from the video shop. Because I had some time off from work, because I was working in a factory.

And they were, they'd built a new factory. And they were moving all the equipment from the old factory to the new factory. So everybody had to have two weeks off work.

Or it might have been three weeks paid, which wasn't too bad. And if I'd have planned things a bit better, had a bit of money, I could have gone on holiday, but I didn't. Still enjoyed my time though.

I watched a lot of movies. Right, we know it. Oh, to me.

According to this, Robert De Niro, Sean Penn, and Demi Moore. Although she wasn't down as one of the main stars. But again, she wasn't like a big box office star at that point.

Not till the next year. Okay, so apparently it cost 20 million dollars, and they made 10.5 million dollars. So they lost a lot of money.

But, that was loud. But, what about video sales, huh? What about bloody video sales, you... I liked the film. And I thought Demi Moore was... Absolutely beautiful.

Never seen her before. And I was like, oh, not all like, ooh, not gushy or moisty or anything. I was just like, she's gorgeous.

She's really, I really, really like her. I wonder if there could be a chance, you know, that kind of stuff. And then, I don't know how, obviously, before she started taking steroids to turn herself into a muscle man, I don't know what happened.

I mean, she was in Ghost, arguably one of the biggest films of the decade. It must have been. Most successful films, surely.

It cost 22 million to make, grossing over 505 million. Yeah, Jerry Zucker. So, it's gotta be one of the biggest films of, because it was in 1990.

That whole decade. Could there have been a bigger film than that? Ah, then Patrick Swayze, Dirty Dancing. That was 87.

That was a huge film, wasn't it? Hello, Andre. Wow, look at that. Dirty Dancing.

They spent five million on it. And it got 214.6 million, box office. Now that, you can't go wrong on that one, can you? That's amazing.

The cast, they've got Jennifer Grey as the star. No, she wasn't. Patrick Swayze was the star.

Come and have a little cuddle, you little monkey. Come and have a little cuddle. You little bugger.

You little buggeroonie. You little buggeroonie. A nice little cuddle.

Yes, a nice little cuddle. Oh, what a lovely belly you have. Oh, what a lovely belly you have.

Tomorrow, I'm going to be, should hopefully be getting some food delivered for him. And it'll be the right type of food. Because he don't like, he's very fussy.

He won't eat anything except if it's Whiskers or Go-Go Cat or Go-Go, whatever it's called. But it has to be with gravy. Not gravy lover, because that's too much gravy.

But just gravy, normal gravy. He won't eat any, he doesn't, he absolutely, I'm sticking emotions in his head. I'm just going by his results.

You know, the results that I get from him. He doesn't like jelly. Doesn't like any cat food with jelly.

And he only likes those two types with gravy, Whiskers or Go-Go Cat. Is it Go-Go Cat? I think it's Go-Go Cat. So I've got a whole tub full of food, which he doesn't like.

But what's the point? He's fallen asleep. Basically upside down, he's completely floppy. He's fallen asleep in my arms.

The whole of his back legs are just floppy, completely floppy. Wow, doesn't normally happen. So he must have been asleep when he got up to go to the toilet.

And then he decided not to go to the toilet and go and have a drink of water. I picked him up and now he's fast asleep, that quickly. I think he's in a little trance, that's what I think, he's in a little trance.

He's in a little trance. I like to massage his thighs and his legs and the joints in his back legs and just kind of stretch them and pull them a little bit. Because of the problems he had with his back leg, you know, last year.

I like to regularly just test, just to make sure that all his joints are working properly and there's no pain because he doesn't, he doesn't put up with pain, he really doesn't. If I do anything that hurts him, he will let me know. So I just like to stretch his legs.

And I like to massage his tummy, which I was doing earlier. He quite, I think he likes it because he just lays there and makes me do it. But I remember years ago, I was researching sort of to look, what to look out for, you know, as far as his body goes.

And with the stomach, is make sure there's no lumps sort of come up. And he isn't, his stomach's absolutely fine. Mind you, why is a lump there? Oh no, that's not his stomach.

I think he's enjoying it too much. Andre, that's not your fault, but we should wear some pants. I heard a joke.

I heard a joke and it was, it was in the Indian parliament. Right in the, I guess it's the equivalent of, I don't know, wherever the politicians gather. Anyway, it was in India.

And I don't know, I don't know if he was a prime minister or whoever he was who did it. But he stood up and he told a joke in front of, you know, 100 or whatever politicians. And he said, I won't do the accent, but he said, why, well, well, just had the phone ring.

So I had to pop down and sort something out. Can't believe I left the phone on. Always put on silent, nearly always.

Or do not disturb. But no, he bloody, he bloody well rung. So what's happened now is, I have 33% left on my battery.

Oh, so I'm in a canoe. He tips the canoe over. And I basically have to turn the canoe back up the right way using the paddles or the paddle.

So I, not a nice experience, if I'm honest, but I had to do it a couple of times to prove that I could. Yeah, just a little bit annoying. And I thought, well, that's okay.

That's good. I said, that's done. And he said, no.

So what do you mean? Well, now we have to, I have to turn you upside down and hold you there. And you have to get out of the thing. So this is, I think it was without the paddle.

So he's going to turn me up, turn me upside down in the water without the paddle. So this is in a scenario where I've lost the paddle and I've got no way, or I know the canoe's stuck and I can't turn it back over. So I had to evacuate the canoe.

And I said, no, thanks. He said, yeah, you have to do that. I said, why? He said, if you don't do that, you can't go out on the canoe.

I said, I never wanted to go out on the canoe in the first place. I don't want to be near a canoe. I can't even spell the word.

Why? What do you think I am? He said, what do you mean you don't want to go out in a canoe? Everybody wants to go in a canoe. I said, not me. Why not? I hate water.

He said, well, you are smelly. But I said, no, no, I don't talk about that. That's hating washing.

It's a different thing. I don't like water. As in the sea, rivers, you name it.

Don't like it. He said, well, why did you join the sea cadets two years ago? Why did you join the sea cadets? I said, I don't know. I just wanted to get out of the house.

You know, I had this period when I was about 11, where my parents started to take an interest in my schoolwork or more in my school performance or a lack of school performance. I didn't enjoy the attention. Have you done your homework yet? Yes, Papa.

The best answer was not yet. Because it's better to get shouted out for not doing it yet. Get on with it then.

Then have it checked by him. Yeah, that was awful. It was just.

Because the thing is, when you're a kid, you can't say, you can't read the situation honestly and just be honest. And I kind of say, listen, Dad, you're acting like a little baby right now. You're acting like a small child having a tantrum.

Why are you wasting your time doing this? Do you think you're achieving something? Because you're not. You're achieving nothing. It's your own time you're wasting.

You can't say that to your parent, can you? Not when you're 11. So what I did is I. I got out of the house and stayed out as much as possible in the evenings. I think it probably was summertime.

So I, you know, I found an excuse. I found somewhere to go. And that was the Sea Cadets.

My friend was. I don't know if my friend was already there or we just we just walked past and got wandered in. And my parents were really happy.

That I'd found something that I was interested in. Well, they didn't realize I had no interest in it at all. Never did.

Never have, never will. Didn't like it from day one. I just went because I don't know.

There's nothing else to do. I was living in a small town. And I didn't want to be at home.

So I just, OK, just went there. I didn't know it's going to turn into this big thing. And, you know, I ended up having to wear uniforms and two different uniforms.

Marching, learning to march with rifles. Stupidest stuff. For an 11 year old, I mean.

And 12 year old because I was there for a couple of years. I think I was there for about two, between 11 and 13. And then I moved into karate.

And then I was doing something that I wanted to do. I had a break where I didn't do anything for a while. Which suited me very much so.

But I tried to leave the Sea Cadets and my dad wouldn't let me. And so kind of it backfired, it backfired on me. So what I did is I took up a musical instrument.

Just to annoy them all. First thing I took up was the bugle. Sorry dad, I have to practice every night for the Sea Cadets.

You know, the thing that you won't let me leave. Still remember the tune.

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,

do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do marching up and down the road it wasn't all true it wasn't all horrendous it wasn't I did have a laugh in the sea cadets but I'm quite adaptable I will find a way to enjoy my time even if it is in a shouty place like that I was actually quite famous in the sea cadets I think in the entire movement the sea cadet movement which really has hundreds of thousands of members or did at the time I imagine they're still around I held the record

for I've talked about this before I held the record as failing to get the I think it was private semen sorry private is it private semen anyway that the very first badge that you get is in a sea cadets yeah it took me over two years to get it never took anyone more than probably two months three months if I'm pretty sure it's every month they awarded badges to people and it became a running joke and to Jason or Newland I understand that tension you you you have no badges so it became a kind of

a running joke that yeah again everybody's been not everybody but loads of people have been I was gonna say upgraded that's not the right word promoted to another a higher rank able semen and you know whatever the different ranks were I forget so it took me over two years to become a junior semen and then I left my work was done I did I held the world I held the record because I kept mucking around in fact I got it and then I got stripped of it it took me badge off I think I actually

ripped off my shoulder because of something I did I can't remember urinated in the wrong place or something I don't know but yeah I was I guess I was I wasn't so much naughty but a little bit defiant I didn't I didn't really take it very seriously not really but in the same side I did go along with a lot of the stuff that I shouldn't have done because you know there's a lot of bullying really the adults use you know making the most of being able to bully little kids around and shouting at them

and making them do press-ups okay making me do press-ups and running around the building with a rifle above my head and you know yelling out whatever it is you've done wrong you know I shouldn't do that again I shouldn't scratch my officer's car draw a penis on it with a key you know just you know that kind of stuff so I it wasn't all bad I mean the good thing about it is it got me out of house so things I was you know probably over the year probably at least one weekend a year one

weekend a month I'd be busy marching doing I don't know various different things none of it really interested me I suppose the only thing that interested me was the Christmas March the Christmas parade I'm not just that also the summer fate summer summer festival whatever it was called I still like that as well because we actually had a float so I used to stand on the float and collect money that was fun and then there'd be family members in the audience checking checking coins I could always tell which coins were being thrown by my family

my brothers in that because they were the ones that were sharpened good days good days better nights oh yeah I was very glad to get out to get out there I just although there was always a way to get revenge you know it was a nice little might sound a bit bad but I think my dad moaned at me about something I think it was something to do with school I had to sit to him listen to him talk for about two hours about nothing a bit like this but differences I'm not having to go

yeah you know it's kind of similar process but just like bombardment of BS basically and I always had the little magic trick in the back in my back pocket I could pull out to get revenge so you know he'd have a go at me the night before he probably felt good about himself but little kid I'm sure that's not true but you know he probably felt all he didn't think of it as probably having a tantrum a grown man having a tantrum and shouting at a 12 year old but that's fine he thought he'd won

he thought he'd won until he came home the next night from work and saw me there smiling holding the drum a drum kit look what I've got from the cadets dead I'm the new drummer I have to practice regularly I like the drum I did I like the drum but kept dropping at drumsticks not kept but I just only when I marched didn't seem to happen when I was static or in a shower you know whenever I was playing it playing practicing in the bath but then for some reason I must have thought I don't

know if one maybe my dad mentioned he was scared of glocking spills and that's why he never goes to Germany or something you know so I ended up playing a glocking spill I convinced the the band in the sea cadets to have a glocking spill so I could annoy my dad and very difficult to play drum it's easy based on what I was doing I'm not saying playing the drums is easy but playing the level of drummanship that I had to do was fairly easy I've got an ear for music kind of like and copy

basic stuff I say I can I used to be able to do that when I was because I play the violin when I was 9 and 10 so I knew a little bit about music the basics you know and I could play the recorder but I think every child in the whole world can play a recorder it's silent night I love that song still one of my favorite songs and the bugle it's not easy to learn well it is easy it is but it's not okay it's not easy to pick up a bugle and just

play it because I thought wrongly that you just blow into the thing like a trumpet but then I'd never played trumpet so I guess I thought you just blow into it like you do a flute I've never played a flute a recorder yeah like a recorder it's just blow into the thing you don't it's all about tongue action you have to be really good of your tongue to play the bugle because all about tongue movement it's about it's it's so much it's basically it's almost just like your tongue you spit your vocal cords the the

the way that you're blowing and it's almost it's almost like you're willing the sound that you want to have it actually happen happen yeah you kind of you know what sound you want and you and you produce you produce it that's what it sounds like without the actual musical organ you know without the bugle so the bugle it's just it's I don't know is it copper I think it was it brass I pretty sure I used to use Brasso on it no but it's like I don't know yellow it's it's gold colored basically I'm pretty

sure if my memories correct and I actually quite liked it but I think I was I don't know because it's hard to remember because it's slightly a little while ago either they took it away from me or I asked to do something different I fancied the drums and I do believe I asked to be on the drums first of all and they said no and I think their reason was I was too small because the drums were quite big they didn't think I'd be able to march with them by the next year I'd grown a

little bit and they thought okay we'll give it a go but I was very little the drum was pretty much I could climb inside the drum I couldn't but if it was open you know if you split it open I could have hid I don't know how good a hiding place it would be because people would see the drum and see me poking my head poking out my dad was good friends with the CEO or you know the commanding officer of the sea cadets so he might have my dad might have asked to change the

instrument I give him something else that bloody bugle and then the glocking spill which is the hardest all of them because the reason it's the hardest because I was the only one playing a glocking spill I'm pretty sure there's one person which meant and the only time we play the glocking spill well not the other time but quite often no other music being played so there might be another person next to me doing it so you'd have to do it in time but unlike the bugle when they'd be maybe four people the drums there may

be four people the glocking spill which makes the least amount of sound it's more noticeable when you hit the wrong notes so I kind of I did it for a while and then I stopped I don't even remember leaving because it couldn't have been just I didn't go back because I had to take my uniform in I had two different uniforms I boots which I think I bought myself actually so that's different yeah so I had to handed my resignation I no longer promised to protect and serve serve who I'm 12 years old I don't

know who we're gonna protect but I think a lot of people in the Sea Cadets or the Army Cadets or the Air Cadets or Police Cadets if they have those I mean I don't know if they have them everywhere some people join those places in order to then because they want to go into the police force or because they want to join the Navy and there were some in the Sea Cadets that I was with that were determined to join the Navy I wasn't one of them I wasn't and part of the reason is probably

because I was scared but I just wasn't interested if anything the Sea Cadets put me off I might have joined the Navy if I hadn't been in the Sea Cadets I might have done I don't know plus I can't swim that's you know it's quite an important thing to be able to swim not just swim but swim well I couldn't really swim I couldn't do a length I used I used to be able to swim a length of a swimming pool so you could say well you can swim then but I need to be resuscitated

when I got to the other end so it wasn't all great I couldn't do it but I haven't been in a swimming pool for a long long time so I've got no idea what my level of swim swimming swimming ship is got a lot of editing to do because I've been coughing all the way through this but I'll edit the coughs out so thank you for listening remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy lots of love bye