#622 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com My name is Jason Newland. This is let me bore you to sleep. Please only listen once it is safe.

For you to close your eyes. It's been a slow day today. Being a slow day.

I've only had 8,642 downloads. Damn. Damn.

Never mind. It's okay. Mustn't grumble.

Mustn't grumble. So yeah, I'm just looking. I wanted to say a thank you.

Thank you to two people. I've already said thank you to one. But I want to say thank you to the same person again.

Plus another person. I already thanked. Just get out.

I already thanked Emily for your PayPal gift. And I'd like to say a big thank you to Heidi as well. Heidi's message was.

Dear Jason, thank you for everything you do. I know you were hoping for more downloads of your podcasts. That's true.

That's weird. It coincided just with what I just said, didn't it? Focusing on the downloads again. I should be focusing on the love that's raised from these podcasts.

Anyway, Heidi says. But even when you only get 100, you've helped or brought joy to 100 people. I mean, you can say that you've helped 100 people in one day.

That's true. Keep going. Love Heidi.

Thanks. Thanks, Heidi. Yeah, I mean, I suppose.

On a slow day, like a like today wasn't a slow day. 8000. It's not a slow day, but on a on a really, really quiet day.

And maybe I get 4000 people listening. So it's. You know, really goes below five.

So I suppose, yeah, it's it's one of those things, you know. I mean, I used to say if I can just help one person. Really help one person, then then it's all been worthwhile.

Then one of the you know, I remember when I was doing the the free pain relief in person, I did the free pain relief service. I saw a lot of people during that period and. I went in it with.

The idea of, you know, if I can just help one person. But that's not enough. It's like, well, I want to help more.

And then it got to the stage where. I'd be doing group sessions, so I'd be doing group relaxation sessions. And maybe, you know, sometimes 12, sometimes four people, sometimes 25.

You know, it depended, but it was never like a huge, huge group. But sometimes it was bigger than others. And it makes no difference.

A voice. Everyone's got their eyes closed. It doesn't matter if there's two people or 1000 really.

It's the same process. And then I started recording. The sessions I was doing and put them online and hundreds and hundreds of people listening.

Thousands, sometimes, you know, over time. And I started to think. I don't want to sit here for an hour with just 10 or 12 people when I can record something and reach hundreds and hundreds or thousands even.

And I think that's kind of how it went with. With YouTube, because, you know, with a video you can reach. But there's billions of people that can be reached.

I never, I didn't quite reach billions, but I definitely, you know, reached a few. Way more than I would ever do if I was seeing people in person. So if I was doing hypnosis, for example, one to one.

I don't think I'd safely, like safely as in for my own health, be able to see more than probably five people a day. I think five hours a day in therapy, doing therapeutic kind of work would be enough. I used to do six hours a day at one point and that was.

It was manageable because it was broken up. So I, you know, I do three hours maybe in the morning and then three hours in the early evening. So it was broken up.

So I kind of had a big break between. But. Yeah.

And then I think, well, you see someone for six times, maybe. I know hypnosis can be a bit shorter than that. There's, you know, I think, I think the first of all, hypnosis is often the last thing people would try.

You know, they go through everything else first and then hypnosis as a last resort. Not everyone's that way minded, but I think the majority of people kind of are in a sense of. But then that makes sense in a way, because, you know, the first person you should go to if you're having physical pain is the doctor.

If you got acute anxiety, having panic attacks, go to the doctor, get some, try and get some help. Make sure it's not a physical issue, although it is a physical issue as well. But, you know, make sure to get yourself checked out and get help, psychiatric help, counseling, therapy and all that stuff.

So I don't think hypnosis should be the first port of call for a lot of things. Which might sound weird considering I'm a hypnotist, kind of. Don't really feel like I am, but I don't.

It feels weird because almost like I'm not. I'm not doing it one on one with anybody and I haven't done it one on one with anybody for years. I'm talking about hypnosis, more anything else as well, actually.

Oh, I once had toast with someone. So it's kind of maybe. Maybe.

I think I would find it easier to sit on a stage with 2000 people in an audience talking to them than just one person, one on one. I think in some ways that would be would be more fun. But it would be, yeah.

And having 2000 people would be easier than having 10 people, 100 percent. Being comedy, you find that the bigger the audience, the easier it is, because if you've only got 12 people in the audience, you know, you don't need everyone in the audience to like you to have a good gig, whether it's music, whether it's comedy, whether it's juggling, magic, whatever. You don't need everybody to like you.

You just need enough people to like you. You know, at least if you've got 50 percent of the people that like you, then you that's, you know, 2000 people, you've got 1000 people laughing. Admittedly, it's unlikely you're ever going to go onto a stage with 2000 people in the audience without them knowing who you are, because that's a big, it's a big gig.

That's not an open tryout night, is it? Open mic. That's an audience that's come to see you or come to see a performance. So they're going to know who you are.

But I don't know. I'm talking about that. Why am I talking about that? I don't know anything about that anyway.

Why am I even mentioning it? I don't know. I don't know. I've been working on my tidying up skills today.

It's really strange because I tidied the bedroom up last week. And the hallway. And I've been tidying up the living room this week a little bit.

Also tidied the kitchen up, started tidying the bathroom up. It's not as bad as it probably sounds, but it's probably worse than you realise. I don't know.

But a lot of the stuff really needs to be moved into the storage room. Making room for, I just want what I'm using out. I just want the equipment I'm using for the podcasts, the television, the settee.

Even with the books. I just want the books to be relevant to my life. These books I've got, I'm never going to read.

So I might as well just put them in the storage and just know what's the point in having them there. Just to fill a bookcase. Although there's not many.

I've got a few that I'm just like, I'm not going to read them. Why are they? Where did they come from? They appeared from nowhere. I think what it was is I went to the, I think you might call it a flea market, or jumble sale, but it's the weekly market.

I forget what they call it, but it's, you know, people sell stuff, but it's what they do for a living though. It's not, it's not, you can't, if you say to them, oh, this is a lovely jumble sale. Some of them people would be upset because that's their job.

You know, they're selling new, new things. Some are not selling new, new things. And, and when I first moved here, I used to go there, right? I didn't go there at the end, because of any reason other than I'm not getting up at six o'clock in the morning.

Because I think that's the most stupidest time to be starting anything, which is optional. Okay, if you got a job that starts at six, and I've had lots of jobs in the past that started very early, that's when your job starts. And that's, that's it, you know, it's sort of, you kind of know about that before you start the job, usually before you get employed.

Hmm. I'm not going to choose to get out of bed, to go and walk because no buses, walk to the field, which is about half mile, half an hour away. To walk around a field in possibly the rain to, you know, maybe grab myself a bargain.

So, I never really got there very early. And by the time I get there, about 11 o'clock, a lot of the places are all closed already. They've already closed their stalls up and they're gone.

Which I think is a bit rude. For me, 11 o'clock is about start time, you know, nine o'clock earliest. That's just me.

But I guess they do that so that people can go there before they go to work, maybe, that's, that's why. And so I used to go there. And some of these book stalls, which are the ones that I kind of gave most attention to.

They didn't want to take the books home with them. And it's almost like, give them away. Like five books for a pound or something stupid like that.

So I ended up bringing books home that I had no intention of reading. But I got such a good deal on it. I almost couldn't say no.

So I'm going to get rid of those, well not get rid of, I'm going to put them in the storage room and leave them in there forever. My bedroom is now a gym. So I've got my exercise bike, I've got my sit up seat thing.

That's like, I don't know how to explain it. It's like a parallel kind of bar thing. You sit on it and go down and you you know, it's a good thing.

It's quite nice. I haven't got to like sit on a floor or anything. So it's quite high up.

And I've got the the bench, my weight bench, just haven't got any weights in there yet. The weights are still in here. So I'll move the weights in there probably tomorrow.

So that's good. So that's, I'm thinking I might move the punch bag into the bedroom. So that might be something I'll do.

And I'm thinking another way of doing it would be to try and find a way because I've got a roof or a ceiling hook for the punch bag, which I bought at the time. I've never used it because I've got a wall rack that I use. Now the wall rack is hanging off the wall because it just can't take it can't take the punishment.

You know, it just doesn't. It already fell off once and I managed to get it back up and I was using all kinds of glue and nails and you name it to keep it up. But that sounds weird.

But it's a painful, romantic experience. And now I'm probably going to get rid of that, get rid of the rack because I've ruined the rack with all the glue. All the holes are now full.

It's all healed up. Well, not healed up, you know, the holes are not there anymore. So I probably going to try and figure a way how to.

Because it's about the beams, isn't it? The beams in the ceiling. How do I find the beams in the ceiling? I don't know. I know if my dad was here, he'd be able to do it easy, but I don't know how to do it.

I generally do not know how to do it. But I really need to look into it because I don't want to go without my punch bag. I love it too much.

But it would be good to probably move it from here because it's a little bit in the way now. So unless I moved it to the other side of the living room, that is a possibility because there is a bit of space there, actually. Once I move those two chairs into the storage room, that the bottom of the Christmas tree, which is still there, I'll get rid of that, put that in the storage room.

There's a bag of clothes to wash. So that won't be here. There's a bag of rubbish.

But it's just like paper and stuff. So it's not like food or anything like that. So that will go out.

A few bits and bobs so that that will actually leave a whole space on the other side of the room in this mansion. The other side of the room I could I could spit and hit the wall. Honestly, it's not that far away.

I'm not going to. I'm just saying I'll never have as well. I'm not that kind of girl.

A swallow. So yeah, I'm thinking is going to sort of move that around and go, you know, see what happens. But I'm enjoying the the little bit of the after the after, but not the after.

Aftermath, aftermath was aftermath. The results, anyway, I'm enjoying the results of this little bit. It's a bit weird, but under the punch bag, the floor bit under the punch bag and to the right of me was just loads of rubbish there, just bits and bobs and just stuff that didn't need to be on the floor, stuff that fallen off the table.

Because I'd use this as kind of a dumping ground from the bedroom to clear the bedroom out. And some of it moved its way over to this side. Well, that's now clear.

I completely cleared under the table, everything. This is all nice and tidy right where the table is. And that's nice.

It's really sad. I keep looking down and thinking, oh, I have a nice little, little. It's not a mini orgasm, but it definitely feels nice.

It's like a nice feeling. When I look down, I'm like, oh. And I don't know, because there's a bit over there where Andre goes to the toilet and it's got all cat litter down there.

It's in the corner. And I put some fresh cat litter down and it's really good. It's really good on it.

And I've got some on the other side. That's not ideal for anyone that's never had a ferret. Or have had a ferret and they, you know, have never had a ferret running around the house free to do whatever they want.

They won't realize that, you know, you need to have spaces where they can go to the toilet. Just like we need the toilet, but they, they haven't, they have like. Well, I can only talk about Andre because I have known another ferret as well.

So I've known two, but Andre is the one I know the best. It's almost that he gets two minutes notice or two minutes, like probably two seconds notice. Suddenly he needs to go to the toilet.

And depending on where he's asleep, because he sleeps in so many different places, he can't have a set route. So if he sleeps behind the door of the living room, he goes through the tunnel and there's some cat litter in the corner over there. And that's it.

It's easy. But if he falls asleep behind the settee, he runs out from behind the settee and he's disorientated. He doesn't know where he's going or where he is.

And he's like looking around for somewhere. And recently I've had the, the, the other corner blocked off from outside. He can get to it through the tunnel, but it's been blocked off because of just too much stuff.

So he ends up sort of going under the table or something. Cause he just, he has to, you know, he doesn't have time to sort of find places. So that's why I've been clearing, clearing everything out of the way so he can just run to where he needs to go.

You know, if, if it was up to him, he's, he doesn't, he doesn't, you know, he wants to do it in one place and he's a clean boy. He is kind of, yeah. I don't know if clean's the word, but it's definitely fussy when it comes to eating.

Now I've just used the last piece, the last packet of food, which has gravy in it. And, and he won't eat the jelly, the jelly food. So the food that has jelly in, he won't eat it, the cat food jelly.

But the gravy does. And I bought some gravy last week, last Friday. Some gravy food, packets of gravy in it, but he's eaten it all.

So I've run out and tomorrow I'm going to have to start giving him some of the jelly again. And he literally was turning his nose up at it and leaving pretty much, I'd say 80% of it. When normally he'd eat the whole lot, not in one go.

He comes back and does it in a few. That's a good thing about him. He's not like a dog.

Not that all dogs are like that, but some dogs will just eat everything and just stuff it down. And they'll eat whatever you give them. So you have to be careful.

You don't obviously put too much out. Otherwise they'll just go pop. He, he won't do that.

He'll eat what he needs and that's it. And leave it and he'll come back when he's hungry. So he's not a glutton.

Not like me, not like me. Like chocolate. Oh man.

Haagen-Dazs ice cream. I haven't had any for a long time, but I can't believe, you know, I say a big tub, not like the huge, I don't even know if they do huge tubs, but they do like the decent sized tubs, Haagen-Dazs. Uh, just sitting and watching a movie, eating the whole thing and loving every single minute of it.

Apart from the teeth being way too cold and then trying to drink Coke at the same time. And it doesn't matter how cold the Coke is. It tastes warm.

It's something weird, you know, it's like this Coke, I've got a can of Coke and it's cold. The, it's only, I've only had it out of the fridge for about, I don't know, 15, 20 minutes, half an hour actually, but it's still cold. The metal cold, you know, and the contents are still cold.

But if I was eating ice cream and I had a drink there, it'd be warm. I don't know why I'm even talking about this. What's the point in that? That's the reason, I think that's the reason why people walk off when I'm talking to them.

They just, no one wants to hear about the ice cream Coke story. Honestly, I mean, my dad said that, I remember a couple of years ago, I was six, yeah. He said, whatever you do, we're going to be around people today.

Whatever you do, please don't tell the ice cream Coke story. I said, why not? Why not dad? Why not? Why can't you accept me for who I am? Why not? I'm 45 now. Why can't you just, he said, it's a funeral.

People don't want to hear about it. I said, yeah, but it's my story. It's my, everyone has a party trick.

He said, it's not a party though, is it? I said, but there is free food and alcohol. Yeah. I was surprised at my nan's funeral, how much wine there was.

I think that, I think that was more to do with me uncles and me aunts than anything else. Because my nan didn't drink. So I don't know if I've been to, you know, I've at the time, I didn't drink.

Well, no, it wasn't, I didn't drink. It's just, I knew I couldn't drink at that particular time. It just wasn't, it wasn't the right thing for me to do.

But my step-man who died, like literally her funeral was a few weeks afterwards. It was awful. They both died in the same month.

And she, there was wine there and I did drink it and I was okay with that. But there was something just with my nan, I just couldn't drink alcohol. I just, just didn't, didn't trust myself on that one.

But some things were weird to have alcohol. I understand the wake, you know, go to a pub afterwards and celebrate, not, you know, their life, celebrate their life, talk about, tell funny stories about them, maybe meet someone that you've never met before, that was good friends with the person and finding out stuff you didn't know about them. See, I find that's kind of interesting, probably more for friends than close relatives.

You know, close relatives may not be in a kind of chatty, chatty mood because it's the, you know, it's not a nice experience, but for friends, or maybe even like friends from the past that maybe haven't been quite so close as late, as late, it can be like a nostalgic experience, I suppose. I've been to a few, you know, I don't want to talk about funerals, but I've been to a few that are weird, very weird. Remember I went to one in, where is it, where's the, Brighton, that's it.

Went to my friend Zed, his, his one in Brighton and that was kind of a bit weird, but there was, there was a few kind of quite famous people there because he was a comedian and he, he, he ran a comedy, he ran some comedy clubs. So there's a few people there that he was friends with that turned, you know, came along to his, to his funeral. So it was, it wasn't a celebrity event in any way, in any kind of way, but there were some, a few celebrities there who just happened to be friends with him because of the comedy club he ran.

And also the fact that he was a great guy, he was really, really lovely. Biggest smile, he's a huge, okay, he wasn't huge, but he was a big bloke. Not fat like me, but big, just big, strong, long hair, big dark glasses and a big smile.

Tall, probably, I don't know, probably 6'2", a bit taller than me. He wasn't huge, but he was, you know, fairly tall, but big and he was so lovely, so lovely. And I just really got on with him and he used to give me gigs, paid gigs.

He used to sort of, yeah, whenever he had a show on, whether it was like a one-off nightclub show, he'd invite me to go along and perform. Or if he had a regular show that was every Sunday or whatever, he'd give me a gig on one of those nights, as he did with, and the thing is what he did is he always booked really good comedians. Not me, I'm not including myself in that, but I mean like really top-notch, like Harry Hill or, I know his names might not mean anything to people outside of the UK, but Felix, Felix isn't around anymore either.

Felix Dexter, wasn't it? Brilliant comedian. Or Bob Mills, again, I mean he was a headline act at the time. Great, great, great performer.

But any of them, you know, Lee Evans, all those people, he would book and he'd pay them, regardless of whether or not an audience turned up. You know, he had one show that was really good, he had probably a good couple of hundred people turn up, you know, so it was a proper night, nice comedy night. So he did have enough money and he paid everyone, but even if he'd have had 10 people show up, he would have still paid, you know, the two, three hundred pound per comedian, he'd have paid it out of his own pocket and that's what he did and that's because some promoters didn't do that.

What they would do is say, well, it's a door split, it's a door split. Okay, door split, brilliant. So that's 12 people, they've all paid four pound each and there's four comedians.

Okay, how much does that work out at? You know, so that's, it doesn't cover petrol travel money for, it's not even minimum wage, you know, for a comedian that's given up their whole night and quite often they travel to like the right middle of nowhere to do these gigs because a lot of them would be like on a Monday night or Sunday night because people that put a show on on a Monday or Sunday night, quite often they're the ones that don't get, sometimes don't get the audience. I say sometimes because I know a few clubs, Meccano Club, Bearcat Club, which is in Twickenham I think it was, they had huge, huge shows.

The Meccano Club used to be in, oh Islington I think, and I think it was a Monday, was it Monday or Tuesday or was it Sunday? I think it was, I know they did a Friday and Saturday night one but they also did, I think like, maybe a Tuesday as well and so it's really, really busy.

The lady that ran it was lovely, she was always friendly to me, she gave me gigs, not, I didn't get paid but she gave me, she allowed me to perform there and I mean the majority of the people who allowed me to perform, you know, didn't pay me so, you know, I don't think I've ever given the impression that I was any good but I had a few that did. I mean literally, I was a semi-professional, semi-professional comedian but by semi-professional I mean if you spread the amount I earned over the eight years that I was performing, it wouldn't have kept me in biscuits.

Honestly, that was, it was that, that's such a small amount of money but at the time, because I didn't get paid anything until, I think it's 1993 was when I first started getting paid and then after 1995, I didn't really put much effort in.

I still performed in 1996 and 1997 and to be fair, I was probably, I was getting better, I was more confident and everything but and I'd also gone down a route of talking about the news and talking about, you know, sort of social events and social affairs or current affairs, whatever you want to call it, which meant sometimes you, it's just by talking about something that's really current, it can be quite funny without being hugely funny, you know, just a few observations and making fun of what's going on or making fun of a person, that's,

you know, I did this bit, someone attacked Prince Charles, they didn't get to him by the way, his bodyguards stopped this person from getting to him but I think he was just trying to chuck some beer over him, this is in Australia, so I made a joke about it and the audience laughed but two people laughed, it's weird because some people really liked me, they really liked me and other people, some people, I'm not talking about the audiences, none of them liked me but, you know, the promoters and I had a couple that just would

give me gig after gig after gig, I'd phone them up and they'd just give me everything they had and there's this one lady, Dolly Dupree, her name was, and she loved me, well as a performer, I never understood why but I wasn't going to complain, I went around her house, her husband was lovely, everything, just she was a performer as well and she just, she opened a comedy club in, was it Ealing?

It might be Ealing but again I'm not sure, it's a long time ago and it's called the Crack Comedy Club, C-R-A-C-K, as in Irish, like having a crack and she ended up having to change the name of the comedy club to the Crack, C-R-A-I-K or something because some other comedy club, I think it was, I think it was in like another country, had the same name and they were gonna sue, like come on, but anyway she changed it, didn't make any difference really but she had a big audience, it was really good, I think it

was, yeah it was definitely a Saturday night and I'd say probably about 250 people in there, easy, maybe 200, see 200 is quite a lot of people in a fairly, you know, like average size space, 200 is quite a big audience if they're sitting down, if you're standing up you can fit like twice as many people, if not more, but everyone was sitting down at tables so it was yeah, maybe 250, 200 plus and it was so successful that upon that she started doing comedy nights all around like the outskirts of London, like Hertfordshire, Middlesex,

Essex and she'd just give me gigs, so okay this, it'd always be a lot of them like week, weekdays, like during the week, Tuesday nights, Thursday nights, in the middle of nowhere, in a sense of they really were very on the outskirts, lovely parts of, technically not London but the outskirts of London, like Middlesex, Hertfordshire, some really nice places, so there was bus journeys, sometimes you get there by tube, mainly bus journeys, trains journeys and stuff, you had a helicopter and I did all right you know, in some of those gigs, I just, I remember

once I went and I just, I don't know what I was doing but I was just making weird noises, I was in a funny mood, like a weird kind of just, in some ways it's probably the most me that I was on stage, I wasn't trying to put on a, you know when I first started I was quite aggressive on stage and used to tell, used to say some really horrible stuff, when you know really in a way, I suppose what I wanted to do is just go on and just make funny faces and just

be silly, I don't know, I think maybe I'd have been, I possibly would have been, had a bit of success if I'd just been more myself, but at the time I didn't really know who I was and who I was seemed to be changing, you know, sometimes I'd be serious, sometimes I'd not be serious, sometimes I was hungry, you know, into various different emotions, although hunger really isn't an emotion is it, it's a bodily feeling, so I don't know, just to think back, I could have been someone, I could have really been someone, have a

drink, have a drink Jason, just have a bit of coke, a drink of coke, that was yummy, see yeah, I do get a little bit nostalgic sometimes when I think about it, I don't give a huge amount of thought about what could have been, because I spent the best part of a decade finding out what was, you know, it's, if after eight years of performing there's not a huge amount of positive feedback, then I guess that would have been, yeah, probably was right for me to stop maybe, I don't know, but I'm not much into

quitting, I don't really like to quit, you know, once I get my teeth into something I like to keep shaking my head, keep, you know, keep going, hence why I'm still doing this after 15 years, I will not stop for anything, no, never gonna stop, I'm a big boy now, she's a strong girl, knowing only the strong can survive, living in the land, ah la la, yeah, so I'm just, I wonder, I wonder what it would be like if now, like me in 2000, 1991 me, the me now, which would make me 80, I'd be

80 now if I was 50 in 1991, it's unimaginable isn't it, 80, like between being 20 and being 50, there's a heck of a lot I can still do that I could do when I was 20, in fact I can do more in some ways than I could do when I was 20, of course I don't have the same physical perhaps ability, in a way I feel stronger, but, you know, I could jump over stuff, I was fast moving, you know, I could go long periods of time without sleeping, I can still do that, yeah,

but I'm not, you know, physically, the body is different at 20 to what it is at 50, but that, that difference is minute, compare the difference, compared to 50 to 80, that's a different ball game isn't it, I'm guessing I'm not 80, but I've met a lot of 80 year olds, and they're sometimes almost unrecognizable from the 50 year old version of them, but I would say I'm practically unrecognizable to the 20 year old version of me, I look nothing like I used to look, no, I used to have a tiny nose, I got extended,

I did, to keep away gold diggers, I, you know, I look different, I used to have long hair, and I used to wear tight jeans, can you believe, I used to be skinny, skinny, skinny, skinny, skinny, skinny, proper, proper skinny, almost see-through, seriously, you could see my ribs, whilst I was wearing a jacket, you could see my, you could see, honestly, I was very skinny, I mean, I'm not, I'm not as skinny now as I used to be, I'll be honest with you, you know, if you're, I imagine there's a lot of people thinking, oh,

I want to get older, that, I want to get older, he sounds nice, I like him, not the 20, me now, you wouldn't, you, yeah, no, it's, no, yeah, what surprised me, actually, is I used to get a fair bit of attention when I was on YouTube, from ladies, and which surprised me, because you can see me, see, I, you know, on, on, on a podcast, you know, you, you got me, just, you got the voice, I can be anything you want me to be, in a sense, not what you want me to be, but,

you know, in your imagination, it doesn't matter, you can be, I can be seven foot tall, or two foot tall, whatever you, you know, however you may imagine me by my voice, but the thing is, once you see me on video, once you see my face, you can't unsee it, it's like a car crash, it's, it's, it's, it's like a cat trying to make love to a rabbit, you know, I mean, he's like, oh, I didn't want to see that, so it's, but it's still the same voice, kind of, I guess, and it's my funny

face, and I am making a return, a return, to YouTube, I say return, I'm already on YouTube, but, oh, squeaky chair, I am, what I say I am, would I say it, even if I say I am, that's the way I am, so a bit of, so slim, I'm so slim, like the old joke, I had to run around in the shower to get wet, I didn't, no, one drop, honestly, one raindrop would, it soaked me, how is that, that skinny, one, one little drop, and it would be like, like a shower, and it's a

shower and a bath at the same time, it's nice, but I do wonder, if it was me, the me, me now, turning up on that Wednesday night at the comedy club, say, hello, my name's Jason, I was wondering if I could be on the list, and perform tonight, please, I wonder how it would have gone, Andre's just gone to the toilet, near the front door, that's nice, you can hear it from here, he's gonna hate it when I finally get that gate sorted, so I've got a gate to stop him from getting to the front

door, I put it up, and he just climbed, he just climbed through it, it's got bars and everything, and it took him less than a second to get through, but, I'm gonna fill in the holes, he won't be able to get through, and he can't climb over anymore, when he probably will give it a good go, because he'll hate, absolutely, he'll be so angry, if I block off anywhere that he wants to go, especially the front door, that's the place he loves going, whether it's just to sniff underneath the door, whether it's to go to

sleep underneath the radiator, whether it's just to hang out there, or whether it's to go to the toilet on his, on a paper there, whatever, but, I want my front door back, just the area, you know, where I walk into the front door, where I walk in and put my coat away, just that little tiny little bit of area, it's not a lot of space, but just to be able to have that there, maybe, maybe even I can leave my shoes there, and leave my slippers there, and put them on, you know, so I'm not

traipsing the mud, or whatever, you know, from the shoes around the flat, which I do, I mean, generally, I come into the bedroom, and I, you know, put my slippers on, but they're not actually slippers, they are crocodile crocs, because otherwise Andre will, let's be real, he will do horrible things to them, horrible things, as it is, because these crocs have got little holes on the top of them, he loves attacking them, and while I'm walking, he's trying to, he's basically biting them, and he's attacking them, he loves it, and he loves it if I

move my foot around, and he's like, literally being picked up, and stuff, he loves that, he's a weirdo, he's weird, weird, oh dear, blimey, so tomorrow night, boxing, which is good, I'm looking forward to that, next week, so yeah, I'm gonna chill out, make a few recordings, do a bit of stuff, but over the weekend, next week is the end of the month, which is also good, and I've got, what's it, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, so five days before I, I get any money, so that'll be good, then I'll be able to start paying off

some of my bills, and get some food, and then next week, also I've got my first jab to have, so that would be interesting, that would be a day out, really, because I have to go to hospital, in another town, to do it, so I'm going to go there, do that, and I might treat myself to a burger, or something, while I'm out, for the day, I say the day, but it's going to take up a fair bit of the day, with a more, more for traveling, really, than anything else, and then I'll come back,

and that's it, done, done, done, done, done, which is nice, very, very nice, I'll be very, very pleased, ever so pleased, oh yes, I'll just be, I hope, happy to have had it done, and did they give me the, did they give me the new passport, as soon as I've had it done, or do I have to wait until the second one is done, before I get my new passport, which allows me to go into shops, and to, and to leave my house, and to, you know, we're really going to have to show passports, wherever

we go, to prove our identification, isn't that the opposite to what this country is about, isn't it, I mean, that's a different kind of society, isn't it, where are your papers, here they are sir, my papers, prove that you, I don't know what accent that is, prove that you are allowed to go in the shop, no then, no, you're a very naughty boy, stop that now, that was supposed to be Welsh, but it didn't come out as Welsh, did it, I was trying to do Donald Sinden, is it Donald Sinden, oh the bloke from Ain't

Half Hot Mum, and the Carry On Films and stuff, and a few other TV comedies, you speak like this, oh you've got my moustache, how are you my dear, I thought a part of Ain't Half Hot Mum was a really, really popular sitcom in, I don't know if it was the late 70s or the early 80s, I can't quite remember, but it's very popular, it was like a Saturday night comedy show, set in India, and it was English soldiers or something out there, during, I guess set during the war, some time anyway, some period, and

one of the stars of the TV show was in, I think, I think he was in all of Cliff Richard's films, now if you don't know who Cliff Richard is, he's pretty much a super, you know, he's one of the biggest stars, England, Britain, UK, Commonwealth, Europe, you know, I don't know how far the span would go, I'd probably say, yeah, even Europe, biggest star that's been produced this part of the world, and over, you know, sort of seven decades, you know, he's not, I mean he's nearly, I think he's got to be like 106

or something now, but he, when he was younger, I mean right the way through, it wasn't even just, he was the 50s, he's having hits in the 50s, like big, big hits, the 60s, the 70s, and the 80s, and the 90s, okay, and he's like, okay, well, that can't be right, it can't be having a hit, yeah, come on everybody.

So in the 50s, he did, I don't know if it's got myself a wild and walking, talking, living doll, gotta do my best to please her just cause she's a living doll, oh wait a while, oh wait a while, this is how my soul, ain't gonna walking, talking, walking, living doll, and he's had huge, big, big hits, the 60s, I think he did, that's when he made his films, so like Summer Holiday, we're all going on a summer holiday, no more working for a week or two, la, la, la, la, la, summer holiday, it'll be

easy for me and you, for a week or two, we're going where the sun shines bright, we're going where the sea is blue, you see it in the movies, so let's see if it's true, so it was that, and then the 70s, so he had quite a few films in the 60s, in the 70s, Evil Woman, and what was it, um, is it Carrie, Don't Live Here Anymore, you know he had quite a few, it's so funny, how you don't live anymore, oh where are we, oh where to be, okay that wasn't a very good

impression, it's so funny, how we don't talk anymore, oh where are we, oh where to be, that's better, that was a much better version, and she's an evil woman, and yeah, so he had a lot of big hits in the 70s, and then in the 80s, um, I'm gonna have to research this one, sorry, really, really, was really excited to be able to just talk from my memory, but I don't think I can in this particular situation, Cliff Richards, Cliff Richards, um, so songs, Devil Woman 1978, ah, maybe not the 90s, oh, Bachelor Boy 1963,

got myself a walking, talking, sleeping, Bachelor Boy, um, my mum said, I'll be a bachelor boy till my dying day, some people, yeah, in the 80s, he did some really good songs, uh, one of his biggest songs was the, there was a time when every single Christmas he seemed to have the number one hit, so Mistletoe Mine was one of those songs, um, oh yeah, She Means Nothing to Me, it's so funny, she means nothing to me, um, Saviour's Day, was that 1990, I think that went to number one, Christmas, how many number one hits

did Cliff Richard have, he had 14 UK number ones, wow, but he also had seven number one albums as a solo artist, he spent 333 weeks in the top 10, and a whopping 970 weeks in the top 40, Cliff Richard is the third top selling artist in the UK singles chart history, behind the Beatles and Bananarama, no, Elvis Presley, here we look at five decades of number one hits in the lead up to the 60th anniversary tour this year, I don't think that's correct, oh yeah, it is, but in the 80s, the UK, the UK's

top selling recording artist in the UK, it wasn't U2, it wasn't the Rolling Stones, it wasn't Adam and the Ants, New Kids on, well, you know, any, I say UK artists, any, wasn't any of those, wasn't Rick Astley, wasn't Kim Wilde, it wasn't, I can't think of any UK, it wasn't Wham, who was it, ah, it was, this old house, this old house, this old house, behind the green door, don't know what you're doing, but the laugh out loud, behind the green door, which laugh out crowd, are gonna love on my, behind the green door,

it's raining so hard, look like it's gonna rain all night, well, I guess I have to accept the fact that you're not here, I wish the rain would hurry up and end, my dear, it's raining so hard, whoa, whoa, Judy, if you love me, Judy, whoa, whoa, Judy, to be, to be my loving, ah, and what other ones, this old house, this old house, this old house, crazy, you drive me crazy, you drive me crazy, you drive me crazy, you drive me crazy, do do do crazy and there's a Christmas one snow is falling all

around me children playing having fun it's a season of loving understanding Merry Christmas everyone and it's really sad that that's the one I remember all the words to because that's the one I hear every single year for the last 40 years every Christmas I hear that song over and over again anyway shaking Stevens that might sound like I'm being negative towards him but I'm not because I was his biggest fan I was a bit shaky loved at his albums I knew all the words to his songs I used to sing like him I should try

to I used to try and dance like him I had the bruises on my knees to show it because I used to I used to dance and then I dropped my knees smashing into the floor and I'll jump up again which is one of the moves that he did the difference is he didn't smash to the floor he just obviously knew why he'd have had to have knee replacements after about a year of doing that but I did a wedding once when I was about seven I really thoroughly enjoyed myself that night I can honestly

say it was a great experience wonderful and I remember one of the songs was do do do