#632 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen when you can.

Shave later, close your eyes. Got a few messages, well a couple of messages. Or maybe two, no one, no two.

Oh that's weird. Oh okay got it.

Got a message from um yeah this is on my website this is i think yeah from geralgia again i probably completely um pronounced it wrongly but there you go you know i'm doing my bestest i do what i bestest i can the messages i was listening to you on spotify now it seems that the whisper sessions have loud ads at the beginning is there a platform to access them without the jarring ads some sort of subscription service thank you for all that you produced i'm a vegetarian no so i'm a veteran insomniac so i replied

that i have an ad-free podcast and the link is on in the website menu so she replied thank you let me tell you where it is soundcloud soundcloud so basically soundcloud.com forward slash or that you know that um dash not dash but i don't know it's forward slash jason newland or just go to soundcloud and just put my name in you'll find me on there and the podcast is called jason newland's podcast in brackets no ads it's a fairly new podcast it hasn't got everything on there yet um but i've you know i've got a

lot more to i've got a lot of stuff to do so i can't give it too much of my attention but let me have a look once i have updated

you know got got it up to date then i will just be adding the latest recordings on there but it's not up to date yet but you know when i first uploaded it and everything i spent a lot of time uploading stuff because you know this i don't know how many uh how many record okay there's 929 recordings on there so it's quite a lot so that's uploaded 929 recordings is considerably time consuming so i kind of haven't i haven't really done much of it last couple of weeks but i will i will i will

i will i will and i don't know what day it was i uploaded the stuff but i've had 1700 plays of the episodes so that's all right and i'm not it's weird i've got very little interest in it to be honest but it's there for people that um that need to listen without ads the other thing you can do is download the recording from my website download it to your it's totally it's free excuse me it's free and just download it to your tablet or your phone i have to have a drink what other things

are there your laptop whatever and then you can just listen to it there's no adverts in it's not embedded into the actual recording uh it's it's just what the podcast adds and i think you can skip through the adverts as well i'm not sure if you can do that at all but there's no adverts at the end there's no adverts during and it really wouldn't work if those adverts during so you can listen to the adverts and then press pause and then get ready and listen to the recording i've tried to increase the volume on

my podcasts so as to for the adverts not to be too much louder than the thing but then the actual podcast but you know what with television the adverts are usually louder than a television program you're watching different it's weird but it's never really kind of understood that why so i got a message from here from belinda again this is a five-star review on my website great place to lead and thank you um absolutely brilliant podcast by jason always calm my silly throat always always different funny and interesting well worth well worth listening to them

thank you belinda uh okay right i've done that one i think that's it i don't think this here's a message i got this is from an ex-girlfriend of mine she sent me a message this is a couple of days ago and she sent me a link to a video and under it under it she says reminds me of your kind of songs happy easter now i wrote her a couple of love songs when i was with her and i watched this video and it's just a bunch of stupid songs with stupid lyrics like just silly

silly lyrics like army and a banana stuff like that now i've got no issue with that because i like silly stuff that isn't what i wrote for her that isn't what i did that reminds her of my songs that i wrote for her i wrote a song called i miss you and i spent about six hours writing that uh with my my uncle and my cousin uh doing the music recorded it on a eight track or whatever it's i've still got it on tape it's a very bad recording now and everybody involved in it is

kind of does want anything to do with the recording but i think it was good because it had meaning you know there was a reason behind it and me and her would kind of split up temporarily so i wrote this song because i wanted to get back together with her and i played it to her and she just wasn't interested i feel like i want to play you this song now i don't know where they are this would be a bit weird wouldn't it if i start playing my songs where are my songs i don't

know oh i used to have them oh no anyway i don't know where they are or do i do i do i do i do i did i upload them anyway this is like i missed the way that you i don't know what it was but the chorus was i wish you'd come back to me and and make me breakfast up i can't remember anyway it's really good lyrics well okay maybe it wasn't a good lyrics and maybe it wasn't a good song but i thought it was all i knew is i put a lot

of effort into it a lot of work uh i came uh i went into the the room you know my uncles with just the emotion you know just knowing that i wanted to write a song i needed to write a song to express how i was feeling in the hope that it would dent that coldness the icy coldness of her at times that she had and she really wasn't interested at all we got back together but she wasn't interested in the song i think she just thought it was rubbish and then i wrote another song

admittedly this wasn't really a romantic song for her but it was me venting a little bit so i wrote another one um called i wrote you a song and these lyrics but the singing is quite good but well it's a long time ago but i think it was quite good so the lyrics this one is i wrote you a song i cannot sing it i wrote you a song is i wrote you a song it took quite a long time now if you're laughing at this please don't because it's not funny this is serious i

wrote you a song it took quite a long time i played it to you and all you did was look out of the window and sigh why did i bother to write this effing thing when you didn't seem to notice at all and then why did i bother why did i try why did i even take the time why did i bother why did i try to write you this song anyway so that was that song the thing about it is it was good the the first bit was when i originally did it i was

ad-libbing i just had the microphone and they were playing different chords and music and eventually i kind of got into the rhythm and i've just poured my heart out and then i tried to recreate it in an actual song and i've still got both versions i've got the original um me singing i feel like i want to play you the song now i could you know couldn't i how weird would that be shall i shall i i could honestly i could i could please shall i play you some stuff from the past never done that

before i have i've i've uploaded my songs in the past but i've never played you any of my um i've even got some stand-up stuff this is going to require me going into the cupboard the storage room braving the mice and i have to press pause on this getting all the tapes they're all i've got the tapes there they're stacked up there's only about eight now eight tapes and i've got this it's not a tape player but it is in the sense of it's a digital transferer so i can transfer stuff onto a hard drive

you know onto a laptop but i can also play it out loud as well wow andre what are you doing i hope it's on the way if it ain't there's something really big in there moving around okay i'm gonna press pause the good thing about it is you haven't got to wait because instantly i'll be back even if i have to spend 10 20 minutes sorting this out yeah that would be a bit i've never done this before so this would be very a very different thing and the sound quality of the recordings are not

very good at all but if you're willing to put up with that then because really there's no other podcast that i can do this on really um as far as it might i don't know how how sleep inducing it is it will be but you can still still ignore it and just go to sleep yeah okay let me let me have a look and see if it's possible for some reason i've got the urge to do it oh and i also got labels on them so i know what's what you know the old day the

old days with tape recorders those are old enough to remember you'd always have the like a piece of card or a piece no there's like the piece of paper thing like a wax sheet with labels that you could take off and then put on the top on each side and you could write on them do you remember that wow and also you could write stuff on the card as well that goes inside the plastic shell or container yeah all right okay all right let's let's do this let's maybe do it maybe oh well that was

a little uh experiment it didn't go correct see i found the tapes there's actually 12 of them and i found the recorder but the recorder is basically it's a tape recorder but it's not a normal tape recorder i can listen because i remembered i could listen to the recordings but only through headphones there are no speakers because the whole point of it is you transfer the tape to an mp3 file so i did this i don't know six seven years ago it might be something i did when i first moved in here so i've got

these tapes i've got the i'll read them to you so let you know what they say so one is i miss you that's the song that i was talking about and recorded first of september 1996 wow i didn't realize i actually had dates the you know the exact date first of september 1996 i started dating her the girl the lady who i was singing in probably may may june that of that year i got another one here me live on stage 1992 and the other side of it is me live on stage 1991 and then

in brackets and singing wow blimey this is actually got the dates of comedy clubs that i was at can you believe it i've written down the dates wow whoa blimey me live on stage 1993 that's the a side me live on stage 1993 the b side as well so what i used to do i used to take a dictaphone with me on stage and i'd either have it in my pocket or i'd just stick it on the side or put it on the floors like you know whatever somewhere where it could record me and i

recorded a lot of my gigs let me just read the card yeah i've got my glasses on but it's still very little writing just shows you how how much better my eyesight was back then this is the deadly serious comedy club wednesday the 10th of the 3rd 93 and then screaming blue murder these are all comedy clubs screaming blue murder friday the 19th of the 3rd 93 ha bloody ha saturday the 27th of the 3rd 93 wisecrack thursday the 1st of the 4th 93 bedrock i've got then it says that i start i think it

says start it might say i don't know stat start wednesday 7th of the 4th 93 bedrock it's a bedrock comedy club oh i don't know why i wrote it down twice 7th of the 4th 93 oh i think it is it's the start of the second side maybe yeah i'll the start of it and i don't know um bedrock comedy yes it comedy bug tuesday the 13th of the 4th 93 cabaret and in tatters sunday the 18th of the 4th 93 and guilty pea saturday 24th of the 4th 93 cabaret in tatters was on a

barge it's on a barge in on the thames and it's lovely really nice place they're all nice a lot of these are nice places guilty pea that was quite a really popular comedy club until i went there all right so i'll save that i can't believe i've still got these 1993 wow 28 years old that's 28 years old 28 years ago is that right no no surely over 28 years because it's now we're in april yeah no no 28 years no that's just wrong 93 2003 2013 28 years 30 years in two years oh i'm

not no i'm not happy with that i've got another tape here though live on stage 91 and 92 so i just change make sure i've got the right one no i've got them in the wrong cases 91 and 92 so that was 1993 93 okay 91 92 these are like precious really to me i forgot all about them so we did the 93 and this is 91 30 years ago 30 years ago so this tape that i've got in front in my hand this thing in my hand is 30 years old so i've got the

dates again here me live on stage comedy store 22nd of the i think that says the 8th so 22nd of august 1991 me talking and singing i guess that's after the recording of me being on stage i used to like to record myself singing and that's on the first side the side a side b is new act really new act the year 15th for the first 92 wow i wonder if that was actually at the hackney empire because i was i performed there for the new act show i was in one of the heats i

didn't get through but i was in one of the heats i passed the audition previously that might be the audition it was in the a pub which was next door to the hackney empire it was a monday night anyway the next one is banana cabaret 18 for the first 92 i said it's 92 so 91 i wonder if i've got any others from 91 we're gonna find out i suppose soho 25th for the first 92 that was the comedy club in the soho in soho and cabaret at this cabaret the square night for the first

92 i think that was on a thursday or tuesday or wednesday or something wow so that's that i'll put this one in the correct case all right okay i just want to see what other comedy ones if this if they're already i use the word comedy very loosely oh there they are so i've got most of the tapes and they're singing wow my goodness this is so precious to me i've got to keep saying the word to me because no one else but wow 30 years ago i've got nothing after 93 but i've got 91

we could i've got gigs from 91 92 and 93 unless some of the other tapes have got a few bits and bobs on but that's maybe that's when i stopped recording myself blimey so okay so it goes to the first one again me on stage 1991 and i put in the thing do not tape over and i've just dropped that on the floor lovely i haven't got dates for all of them but i've got dates for some of them but i've also just put down the gigs where they were but not always the date but

it's definitely 1991 for all these gigs so there was a king's head oh oh yeah king's head no date for that up the creek which was in greenwich sunday the 4th of august 91 comedy cafe no date comedy cafe again no date comedy pit no date comedy pit again hmm i think i was in streatham and it was a monday night and it was it was a bit of a dive really it was a bit grimy but i liked it yeah run by a bloke called pj um and he was a very strange character who's

not particularly tall but had very long hair quite stocky and i found out he was he was what came across as quite dodgy like a wheel dealer a kind of i don't know he had his birthday party once and he invited me and it was basically in the west end and it is just it just looked like a place that gangsters went to and there was all these models and dances and all stuff going on and then i found out he's a teacher he's a high school teacher um so comedy uh oh yeah come so

that's that comedy cafe comedy cafe i used to go to the comedy cafe very often on wednesday evenings whether i performed or not i'd get there if i could and usually it was a case of you just turned up and they'd try and get you on you know i don't know why they allowed me to keep going back but they did comedy cafe okay i've got a date for one 27 for the 3rd 91 comedy cafe comedy cafe again king's head 4th of the 4th 91 and i think that was a monthly show that was

a pretty sure that was a thursday night again it might be the different night i can smell the dust from these tapes surprise how have they survived if you think about it how have i managed to survive not how i managed to survive how have but that's another question it's for another day how have these managed to survive all the travels all the different places i've lived all the different moves uh i must have just taken them with me wherever i went well obviously i mean i didn't they didn't follow me they've got wings and

grow legs wow so king's head 4th of 4th 91 comedy cafe comedy cafe again hurricane club 3rd of the 8th 91 so that's that one that is the one i dropped on the floor so i'm gonna pick that up i've got it i've even put me now for some reason put my name here jason live on stage 1993 trying to make it a big deal of it wow so this is a poetry in hackney a poetry thing in hackney 25th of the 1st 93 was a monday i forgot how clattery how clittery and not clittery

clattery um plastic tape um covers are you got the lettuce laughs lettuce laughs now this was dolly dolly's gig i'm sure it was pretty sure pretty pretty sure yeah i think so dolly dupree she was a friend of friends of her and she liked my comedy so she opened up a she's a comedian as well she opened up a club called the crack comedy club which is really successful it's a really good gig really big quite a big venue and from that she started opening smaller gigs which i mean they're all like brooms in pubs

but this the big one was really big big uh equal to like most other comedy clubs easily couple of hundred people in there if not more and she gave me gigs other gigs which i was very very grateful for very grateful only a couple of people did that with me like a it's like a light well it is a lifetime away isn't it i could have been someone man i could have been i could have okay i could have could have should have would have okay banana cabaret so i've got the lettuce laugh thursday no

it isn't her one it wasn't her one that's a different club because it says two minutes i did two minutes it couldn't have gone very well thursday the fourth of the second 93 the crack comedy club a half booking see this i don't understand okay the reason i don't understand this is because i'm pretty sure pretty pretty pretty sure that unless she gave me a booking to start with a heart basically what it was in those days a full but you do an open spot which is a tryout you know you go in and you

just perform for maybe five minutes all being well yeah hopefully it goes really really well it does for a lot of people never did for me and then at the end of the night the committee you know the promoter the comedy promoter who runs the club may say well give me a call or they might say there and then yeah like to you know i'd like to give you a gig and then the next step depending on kind of what level you was at would be a half spot which like a half booking so it's

10 minutes and then if that goes well so they pay you for it and if that goes well then maybe they'll bring you back for another 10 minutes or maybe give you a 20 minute slot and the more 20 minutes bookings you get the closer you get to be able to earn a living out of it and then it's like a hierarchy you know you you gain momentum and i'm not talking from my own personal experience here but i saw it in action with other people they just become more and more popular and the one

thing every comedy club whether it's a you know a huge multi-million pound business or just a small room in a pub on a sunday evening they all want good comedians that will make the audience laugh that they can guarantee you know that it can depend upon i wasn't that dependable and but i was only young and you know you think about it i was 22 at the beginning of 93 i was 22 years old i was 20 years old when i started doing stand-up in january 91 i turned 20 the end of august before so

literally i was 20 years and 40 years old i was 24 months old so i was quite young i was probably one of the youngest on the circuit probably the youngest at you know then i think some 14 year old boy came along andre what are you actually doing i knew you'd find a way in there he's got all this stuff all these toys so yeah so that was the crack i had a half booking the reason i'm struggling with this one is because i thought i did an open spot there and then they gave

me a booking like half booking another time you know sort of six months later and you might think yeah so well the second time i went back i remember because i took a lady with me and it wasn't a very good gig i did get some laughs but it wasn't wasn't sort of no the first one was really got a lot of laughs second one not so much and it was a bit embarrassing really because i took this this lady she was a comedian as well well kind of i don't know i don't know if

i ever saw her on stage but we met in the laundrette it's really kind of random and she had she was talking about performing on stage so i'm waiting there you know waiting for my stuff and i said you perform on stage do you she said what what is it to you what do you want to know about it for what you got to do with you mind your own business and i said no tell me she said yeah i'll do comedy so so do i so we got chatting and swap numbers and swap numbers

there wasn't telephones back then well it was but i did never did never mobile mobiles weren't prevalent 93 but i remember it to be 95 because she used to come around my house that i lived in at the time and it was 1995 100 percent 1995 because i dated her then and it was kind of beginning of the summer sort of time unless i've just written down the wrong dates and instead of 93 i should have been 95 oh i don't know it's weird isn't it i know things get muddled like with memories and things

but i know for a fact where i was living because the place i was living in 93 it was this old italian lady and she didn't didn't like um people people so i never got a chance to take anyone back there which is the most ridiculous thing in the world because she didn't i was what 20 i was a man 20 years old i lived in a few places which were like that it's like it's ridiculous isn't it very very very ridiculous at the time i suppose i was just used to it and now i've

got this almost like a palace and nobody to share it with boo hoo so the banana cabaret saturday the this is the first of the first seven for the first 93 seven for the second 93 oh this is all over the place these recordings okay basically i transferred because i had little redigital recordings i transferred them onto the bigger recording the bigger tapes that were on so they weren't originally recorded on these big tapes so they're not all in order i don't know what happened to that little digital thing and the tapes as well blimey

imagine if i still had them wow it's a banana cabaret east dulledge five minutes 23rd of the first 93 comedy cafe 31st of the 12 92 comedy pit a half booking i got paid for that one ninth for the second 93 so i did get paid a couple of a couple of times so he's another one that would pay me um but it's a door split probably although he did have a couple that were quite good i've got an eye of him actually he's um yeah comedy pits wow oh no it's part two of the

same gig um new act of the year heat okay so i don't know if this was at the hackney empire i'm not sure orangy boom boom and this was wednesday the 10th for the second 93 then it's the mcconaughey club five minutes saturday the 13th for the second 93 then see i don't know if you remember i've mentioned a friend of mine called zed he was on my very first gig that i had he was sitting in front of the stage or to the side of the stage i think it was a front but anyway

i got him on stage with me and i can't remember what i did i think i just asked him just to stand there and then i ignored him and just carried on with my act and he was just laughing all the way through and people were laughing because they were laughing at him laughing and i i didn't realize that he was a comedian and he was the next act on so he had a really good gig obviously because it would have been on stage for the last five minutes and we were just good friends after

that for you know the next seven eight years um so whenever he got a gig and he he he had really good gigs so he'd i don't know where he got his money from i don't know i never i've never really shown much interest in people's lives so i don't ask stuff like that really i just take someone for how they are with me and just that's it i don't normally really pry that much so he had a comedy club called chicken reggies because his name was reginald i didn't know that at the time um

i think it's a half booking yeah that was a paid gig as well uh because he gave me paid gigs so it's 10 minutes paid gig saturday 20th of the second in 93 really good gig another one that was almost as good as the comedy store like the way it was set up it was you know like a it was almost like an actual theater but it wasn't but you know it did have a stage and it had a good 180 200 people probably really brilliant audience he was only ever going to have a good

audience uh he compared i think in fact i'm not even sure if he did compare he might have actually got someone else to compare i can't remember um but he only had the top acts plus me and he always guaranteed that the comedians would get paid so if he if he had a like a an agreement an arrangement did they get paid 100 pound for example or 150 pound for 20 minutes um that's what they get whether there was 200 people in the audience or two if there was only two then probably wouldn't go along

with this wouldn't go ahead with this show but he'd still pay the acts and so he got well known and he's very popular with the comedians because they knew that it wasn't going to be a door split which what happens with quite some of the even some of the bigger comedy nights they'd have a door split or they'd pay it was like one evil all so if it was a big audience they'd get paid you know 100 quid but if it was only a really small audience they'd get a door share a door split between

the comedians and the promoter so they might come a lot go away with maybe 10 10 pound each but zed chicken reggie zed did it work like that he paid people he guaranteed and got him paid the money the money he guaranteed them and i think on that night because he had he had a few different clubs a few different nights started around and on that one felix dexter was on and i think bob mills was on as well i mean these are two really big acts back then they were like the the top of

the cream as it were headliner acts okay the next one's the bearcat club monday the first of i don't know 3rd 93 and that was in twickenham the bearcat club twit twickingham i remember the first time i went there it was a pretty sure it's a monday night again another really big gig you wouldn't know it to look at it i mean basically it was a room behind the toilets of the pub so there's the outside toilets this is my memory it might not be correct and then there was this room you know you go

in it and it's this huge it was a big hall it's probably smaller once everyone left it just seemed big because there was so many people in it you know squashed or sin seated together there's a big stage area there was a dj playing music before the show started because the first time i went there in 91 i asked if they'd play mariah carey's vision of love you know i had a vision of love but it is all that is given to me it wasn't the easiest club to please the audience a bit i think

what it is is they were used to top class comedians and then they had me there they didn't know what to do and then you've got a deadly serious comedy club on the 10th for the third 93 and that boys and girls is all of the recordings that i've got for the stand-up so these are the songs that i did i did the i miss you that was the first one first of the night for 96 and then i wrote you a song told you i did so i called it i wrote you a song

20th of january 97 then on the 22nd of the 4th 97 so this again it was my cousin his dad my uncle well technically he's kind of my cousin as well but i call him my uncle it's easier and me so the three of us did the first three songs or no no the first song i miss you was just me and my uncle i wrote you a song was the three of us the tuesday song was the three of us i can't remember what that one was about generally can't remember but i called it

the tuesday song because i wrote it on a tuesday very creative very creative let's have a look what other ones i got here there's one me and john jamming third of the first 99 1999 wow here's one the annoying eight hour epic song me and okay just me and my cousin just us two together 27 for the fourth 97 the annoying eight hour epic song it took eight hours that's why what most most beautiful woman practice i've got no idea what that is but i really want to know um i won't have to listen to

that i think it's going to be a late one i've got a lot to listen to there but that's it there was a story about it's actually my very last gig i ever did and it was at my friend zed's gig he's i think he paid me it was uh sunday night i think it was in this pub called the eagle wow i can't believe i remembered that the eagle i think and it was in some random place in london somewhere that was not easy to get home from and this was in the beginning of

98 like january february time 98 yeah and we basically were having a lock-in me zed uh i think another comedian and the the the i don't landlord and landlady who were friends with zed like he knew them really well well they started arguing the landlady and landlord i think i don't know what it was they were moaning about though what they were arguing about i laughed at something that he said everyone else laughed the other comedian zed found it hilarious the only person that didn't laugh was her and i was sitting there she turned and

she punched me in the face like proper full-on punch everybody cracked up laughing apart from her again and me this time i wasn't laughing i think i can honestly say i've never been never been so angry they were rolling around it was almost like it's the most funniest thing that they had ever seen in their life so her husband zed and the other comedian found this to be the funniest thing in the history of comedy me getting punched in the face by his wife and it turns out i think zed's ex-girlfriend or something like from

the past i made that bit up i don't know it might be true she apologized later and it was a bit of an awkward moment because we realized that we couldn't get home me and the other comedian and and zed we're all kind of stuck there so we i don't know where zed slept but i slept in this room on the floor with the other comedian and he had me in stitches because there was a lot of noise going on and and he was just coming up with these one-liners much funnier than anything he said

on stage i bombed as well actually on stage it didn't go very well for me that night but he was hilarious off stage and just like you know just just honestly i was couldn't stop laughing she came in said keep it down and i just pretended to be asleep because i was so scared and then in the morning we got up and zed was angry because he'd been given a ticket i don't know if zed stayed there because of me or because of us we just or no i think oh no he'd been drinking that's

it he'd been drinking so he couldn't drive home i think he was planning on maybe getting a taxi or a bus home or something but then he you know decided he just couldn't so he stayed there because he was like good friends with the the owners of the pub and the thing is zed got very ill i'm not going to go into all that but he got to the point where he wasn't able to communicate okay and he had a nurse with him who was i think it was his girlfriend as well i think she

but she was nursing him she could understand what he was saying so he was there in his wheelchair and he just i don't know i couldn't and he was smiling and i thought what what's that he whispered in her ear and then she said to me very loudly this is in the comedy club in front of other people that i knew she said lally do you remember when that woman punched you in the face and zed said laughing his head off a biggest smile like absolutely laughed because he knew that i wasn't happy with it

i didn't find it funny ever i still don't but he found it hilarious because i don't know if it was probably my look on my face as well um but to be fair i did get away with a lot when i was younger so i probably deserved it i just didn't deserve it on that time on that particular you know it's i guess just i was in shock but he felt it hilarious and he kept reminding me of it every time i saw him he'd remind me or he'd tell someone else about it i was

hoping it would just stay in the pub and no one else would ever find out because you know it's not wasn't my finest moment anyway on that note i'm going to go sorry i wasn't able to play the recordings or um it was probably a nice thing of me not to play the recordings in reality because we got more got lots of time to spend hanging out and talking more yeah anyway i'm gonna go thank you for listening remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy lots of love bye