#618 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello and welcome Jason Newland dot com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep and I've got a grumbling tummy. My tummy's grumbling.

Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

Yeah so that's the introduction done, hope you're well, it's been a pretty good day really today as far as I've got a lot done, got a lot, a lot done, did Condre out for a walk, went out for a short walk myself, been working on the recordings, uploaded a few, been, yeah just, I won't bore you with all the details, all the grainy details, but yeah, got quite a lot done, a lot of back end work, back end, they call it in computer science, web, web, web technology, the, you know, the stuff that's behind the

scenes that you don't really know about, that you don't see, that you don't hear, so I've been doing that stuff, cos all you get to hear is just the finished golden product, the, the wonderfulness that is the podcast when it's released, but there is, you know, there's quite a bit that goes into it, there's a fair bit of work, there is quite a bit of stuff, so today's been a really, you know, I suppose technically, oh I've got a bit of a cough here, I'm going to have to Today's been quite a successful day regarding

statistics, I've had so far, there's still another hour, over an hour left of the day, but so far I've had 9,548 downloads just today, which is pretty good, pretty, pretty good, the last 30 days I've had 194,013 downloads, and the last 7 days I've had 45,305 downloads, yeah, last month I had 171,167 downloads, so this month is better than last month, so far, yeah, yeah, in fact let me have a look, first, so far this month, and it's the 22nd today, so far I've had 125,452 downloads, not quite the Joe Rogan 200 million for the

month, but you know, it's getting there, very, very slowly, it's creeping up, just bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, very slowly, I'll get there, see I'm not really that bothered if I don't reach a 200 million downloads a month, for some reason I'm okay to not reach that, they call me, call me lazy, but I'd settle, I'd settle for a million a month, you know, for now, so that's what I'm aiming at, and it's like a million that's a lot, well, I'm already, what, two, four, six, eight, ten, one-fifth of the way there, yeah, two hundred

thousand, this is four, six, eight, ten, yeah, so getting a million a month isn't completely out of question, you know, it won't be, it won't be that long before I'll be reaching the half a million a month, so, you're so cocky, aren't you, so sure of yourself, I like to think of it more as optimism than cockiness, I'm optimistic that if I work hard enough, put the time and the energy, the work, that it will grow, just as it has, so yeah, overall statistics two million eight hundred and thirty thousand three hundred and twenty eight,

and since, I don't know what, what day it was, blimey, was it 2018, November, yeah, I think it was, so two years in November, December, January, February, March, two years and four months, it's taken me to get to the, to the 2.

8 million, I'd like to see it reach 10 million by the end of the year, because now it's near the 3 million, I'm thinking, well, I could like say, okay, I'll be happy with 5 million, but actually I think 10 million's a nicer number, just a nice, a nice round number, 10 million, that'll do, and if I reach the 10 million, or when I reach, I'm gonna reach it eventually, but if I, if I manage to do it this year, because it's still, what we got, we've only got, still got nine months left, after this

month, so that's, I don't know, how much, if you would like to support this free service, please go to my website, there's a PayPal link there, it's paypal.me forward slash Jason Newland, that's my PayPal account, if you'd like to support, and yeah, so, excuse me, I've been listening back to quite a few of the old recordings, and I know I've mentioned this before, but I'm so surprised, constantly surprised, at how, how poor the quality sound, of the sound was, how poor my editing was as well, and I was like, really?

I've got, I've got, I've listened to one earlier, and I'm coughing in it, it's a sleep recording, I'm coughing, I left it in there, no, so, and then I found another one, where for some reason, I didn't even edit the beginning, so it comes in with me, like tapping the microphone, and clearing my throat, and just like, just preparing, really?

This is a recent recording, this is, what I say, in the last, like, probably two years ago, but come on, how could I not have edited that out? I must have just recorded it, and uploaded it there and then, without any editing whatsoever.

Really bad, that's, it was a good recording, it was a good, good session, but blimey, it's like, you know, I think, at the very, very, very least, at the very, very minimum, with a sleep recording, I should at least edit out sneezes, really loud sneezes, that should be sort of, come on, come on, come on JJ, come on, you've got, come on, come on, you know better than that, I don't know if I do, so, my relaxation hypnosis for stress and anxiety podcast, is really shooting ahead, and 622,000 downloads of that one, and the next

most popular one is hypnosis for sleeping deeply at 592,000, now this podcast has got 6 downloads, no, this podcast has got 238,468, so 238,000 downloads, and this has started to grow, not started to grow, it's just continued to grow, so, yeah, I'm pretty pleased with how it is, it's, it's alright, I get more, I get more plays of Dear Let Me Bore You To Sleep, on the other podcasts, than I do on the actual podcast itself, so, because I share it on sleep, sleep hypnosis podcast, and also the relaxation for stress and anxiety podcast, I

share it on there now, because it's relaxing isn't it, this is a relaxing hour, where you can just chill out, listen to me, talk about absolutely nothing at all, and I've only just started sharing it on that podcast, and it's one of those things really, the only people that listen to this, Let Me Bore You To Sleep, I don't know why I keep saying it, the only people that listen to this are people that like it, I know it's kind of an obvious statement, like, well, the only people that eat fish are people that like

fish, but it's not about fish though is it, what do you keep talking about fish for, what's your problem with fish, you've got an issue with fish, no, what I, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish,

fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish,

fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish and nor should it be we're all different we all like different things but you know what i thought i'd do something a little bit different today i've done it before so it's not that different but let me oh yeah i've got my proper glasses on i've got two pairs of glasses one is for seeing and the other is for reading and the way i can test whether i'm wearing the right ones instead of actually because sometimes

they just seem quite similar is i grab hold of the the arm and i pull it away a little bit because these ones are stiffer than the others because i wear these less now that was a that was a really boring story so what i thought is maybe we could look at some jokes what do you think go online and find some funny jokes what do you reckon hey what do you reckon what do you reckon so this is reader's digest 101 short jokes anyone could remember you ready oh why what 100 is for when

you need the last what's the best thing about switzerland did you hear that motorbike no that wasn't in the joke not the motorbike i don't get it what's the best thing about switzerland did you hear that the motorbike that doesn't make sense at all it makes as much sense as the actual real answer the answer is i don't know but the flag is a big plus has it got a big plus on it has it got big like cross sign oh okay um okay i invent this is from a reader's digest.com website okay i invented

a new word plagiarism did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers he will stop at nothing to avoid them why do we tell actors to break a leg because every play has a cast i may have to move on to a different website it might just be the way i'm telling them helvetica and times new roman walk into a bar get out of here shouts the bartender we don't serve your type oh dear these wouldn't even make it on the christmas cracker list yesterday i saw a guy

spill all his scrabble letters on the road i asked him what's the word on the street oh my goodness oh knock knock who's there control freak con oh yeah he got it says can okay now you can say control freak who okay all right okay next one sponsored content step into spring with these great italian recipes by sirio forget the recipes you've read before and try these authentic italian dishes as i wrote my sirio i don't get it okay next uh hear about the new restaurant called karma there's no menu you get what you deserve

oh a woman in labor suddenly shouted shouldn't wouldn't couldn't didn't can't don't worry said the doc those are just contractions that is kind of funny i suppose i don't understand it but it seemed quite humorous oh a bear walks into a bar and says give me a whiskey and cola okay why the big pause oh yeah okay i got i didn't mean it properly a bear walks into a bar and says give me a whiskey and cola yeah why the big pause asked the bartender the bear shrugged i'm not sure i was born with them

these are aimed at four-year-olds aren't they five-year-old i don't know maybe i'm just it's the way um they might be funny i'm not sure um but that's like a big pause play on words i guess yeah so if you like good i just realized i should just shut up and read them did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards he was just going he was just going through a stage oh dear did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut astronaut he just needed a little space why don't scientists trust atoms because they make

up everything oh dear why did the chicken go to this seance to get to the other side where are average things manufactured dissatisfactory how do you drown a hipster throw him in the mainstream oh dear oh dear what sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches a nervous wreck oh my goodness he's quite funny that's wrong in it what does a nosy pepper do gets giappolino business japan jalapeno jalapeno business okay how does moses make tea he brews he brews why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs they always take things literally how do you

keep a bagel a bagel from getting away put locks on it i don't understand that a man tells his doctor doc help me i'm addicted to twitter the doctor says sorry i don't follow you what kind of exercise do laser people do diddly squats why don't calculus majors throw house parties because you should never drink and derive what the i'm laughing at the fact that i'm reading these out i'm sorry there's more honestly i'm going to read all these and i'm going to read others from another website that i just randomly find so that's what

we're doing today what do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards a receding hairline that's not funny no middle-aged man would find that funny what does charles dickens keep in his spice rack the best of times the worst of times what's the difference between a cat and a comma a cat has claws at the end of paws a comma is a pause at the end of a clause why should the number 288 never be mentioned it's too gross what did the tin man say when he got run over by a steamroller curses foil again

what did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present thanks i'll never part with it what oh this is a bit too old what did the buddhists say to the hot dog vendor make me one with everything oh what did the left eye say to the right eye between you and me something smells um what do you call a fake noodle an impastor oh how do you make a tissue dance put a little boogie in it oh dear what did the zero say to eight nice belt what do you call a

pony with a cough a little horse what did one hat say to the other you wait here i'll go on ahead oh dear what do you call a magic dog a labracadabra oh dear what did the shark say when he ate the clownfish this tastes a little funny what's orange and sounds like a carrot a parrot why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom because the because the p is silent it's spelt with a p the pterodactyl i couldn't even read it until i just did then then i could what do you call

a woman with one leg eileen what did the pirate say when he turned 80 a matey a mate a a matey okay why did the frog take the bus to work today his car got towed away what did the buffalo say when his son left for college bison that's really bad it's just stupid that's really stupid that's really silly what did the okay i'm back what did the buffalo say when his son left for college bison bison it's really bad it made me laugh so hey what is an astronaut's favorite part of a computer the

space the space bar why did the yogurt go to the why am i reading these out oh okay i'm moving away from the microphone so i don't make too much noise into the microphone okay i'm back oh why why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition because it was cultured what do you call an apology written in dots and dashes oh my god why did the hipster i'm just sorry i'll just oh okay i'm back oh why did the hipster burn his mouth he drank the coffee before it was cool why did the why

did the hipster burn his mouth he drank the coffee before it was cool oh dear oh dear okay once my dog ate all the scrabble once my dog ate all the scrabble tiles he kept leaving sorry sorry once okay i can get it out oh dear okay once my dog ate all the scrabble tiles he kept leaving little messages around the house oh it's not funny the second time around oh okay i told i told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high she looked at me surprised i think some of these actually are

comedians jokes i think some of these are they're not you know um they're actually proper jokes uh did you hear about the two people who stole the calendar they each got each got six months oh dear my dear oh my goodness did you hear the two people who stole the calendar they each got six months oh blimey what oh blimey what's forrest gump's password one forest one oh dear how do poets say hello hey haven't we met a four oh where does where does batman go to the bathroom the bat room okay why did the

oreo go to the dentist because he lost his filling what do you get from a pampered cow spoiled milk why is it annoying to eat next to the basketball players they dribble all the time what breed of dog can jump higher than buildings any dog because buildings can't jump hello andre hi darling hi baby how many times can you subtract 10 from 100 once the next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

i don't know that's clever why did the eminem go to school he wanted to be a smarty see i like that joke okay um oh i'm a squeaky chair i think like a little kid would really love that joke i would love that when i was what about eight i would have laughed my head off at that one as opposed to now i'll laugh at other weird weird ones blimey why do bees have sticky hair because they use honeycombs how does a rabbi make his coffee he brews it i've already done that one we did

that earlier didn't me i'm sniffing so it's because i was laughing i'm not blocked up i'm just um water's being released from my head i got my daughter a fridge for her birthday i can't wait to see her face like when she opens it i poured root beer in a square glass now i just have a beer why aren't koalas koalas actual bears they don't meet the koalafications ah rest in peace to boiling water you will be missed what do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce a chicken sees a salad oh

dear why did the nurse need a red pen at work in case she needed to draw blood oh how do you throw a space party you plan it the numbers 19 and 20 got into a flight i got into a fight 21 i don't understand that why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game all the fans left what do you call a train carrying bubble gum a choo-choo train why did the math textbook visit the guidance counsellor it needed help figuring out its problems why can't male ants sink their boy

ant i want to hear a construction joke oh never mind i'm still working on that one talk is cheap yeah have you ever talked to a lawyer why can you hear me in the background noisy noisy monkey why did the gym close down it just didn't work out two artists had an art contest it ended in a draw i tried to see the airport from this place in my luggage i lost my case i have a fear of speed bumps but i am slowly getting over it where do you find a cow with no legs

right where you left it what did one traffic light say to the other stop looking i'm changing what type of sandals do frogs wear open toed what why was six afraid of i remember this one this is an old one why was six afraid of seven because seven eight nine what do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back a stick what starts with e ends with e and there's only one letter in it an envelope why doesn't the sun go to college because it has a million degrees how do you count cows with a

calculator why are skeletons so calm because nothing gets under their skin why is england the wettest country because so many kings and queens have been raining there did you hear about the kidnapping at school it's okay he woke up what are sharks two most favorite words man overboard can february march no but april may where does the sheep get his hair cut the bar bar shop why are ghosts such bad liars because because they are so easy to see through oh why does humpty dumpty love autumn because humpty dumpty had a great fall where do

fish sleep in the riverbed of course how do trees get online they just log in and what do you call a bear with no teeth a gummy bear why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek because he was always spotted that's that's it that's it um andre andre hey hello hello can you come give me cuddles no he doesn't um that's those jokes anyway um okay let's 68 58 okay maybe these are inappropriate jokes adult okay 57 great clean jokes of funny people who don't swear okay so these are jokes that won't be yeah so

there's no swear these are they're supposed to be okay these are basically dad jokes so first one what did the paper this is from fatherly.com the website what did the paper say to the pencil write on how did the bullet lose its job it got fired why should you never trust stairs they're always up to something sometimes i tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward that's just how i roll what do you call a cheese that's not yours nacho cheese okay did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france there was there was nothing like left but debris that's quite good why did the kid throw his clock a clock out of the window because he

wanted to see time wanted to see time fly okay which bird was the worst has the worst manners mocking birds what do you get from a pampered cow spoiled milk oh we've done that one already i can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him i guess that's what i get for buying a purebred dog oh dear what did the big flower say to the little flower hi bud how does nasa organize a party yeah they plan it we've done that one how many tickles does it take to get

an octopus to laugh tentacles tent tent what's the difference between a poorly poorly yeah what's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle attire why were they called the dark ages because there were lots of knights two goldfish are in a tank one looks at the other and says you know how to drive this thing why aren't koala bears actual bears they don't meet the call it i've done that one what did one toilet say to the other you look flushed why are fish so smart because

they live in schools is this pool safe for diving it depends or it's deep ends oh my goodness where do cows go on friday nights they go to the movies oh dear oh my god why don't ants ever get sick because they have because they have little antibodies i like that i have little antibodies what did the nose say to the fear what did this the nose say to the finger quit picking on me my teachers told me i'd never amount to much because i procrastinate so much i told them just you wait i couldn't

figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger then it hit me what happens to a frog's car when it breaks down gets towed away okay we've done that where do polar bears keep their money a snowbank what is the lunch meat that tastes like hot dogs they say bologna bologna yeah this isn't a bologna but a serious question i don't understand what that was what gets wetter the more it dries a towel what do you call a pile of kittens a meown town meownton never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes that

way when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes why did the pictures go to the why did the picture go to prison because it was framed where do beef burgers go to dance the meatball what mouse walks on two feet mickey mouse yeah mickey mouse what duck walks on two feet donald duck no all ducks silly okay what's the best thing about switzerland no done that one want to hear a big want to hear a roof joke the first one's on the house what did the left eye say to

the right eye between you and me something smells i've done this what did mr and mrs hamburger name their daughter patty why are teddy bears never oh my goodness why are teddy bears never hungry because they're always stuffed what language do pigs speak swine language what building in new york has the most stories the public library why does humpty dumpty love okay done that why can't elsa have a balloon because she will let it go let it go let it go what did the beaver say to the tree that has been nice gnawing you what

do you call two monkeys that share an amazon account primates how do you look for will smith in the snow now this is a bit of this is going in a dodgy direction how do you look for will smith in the snow just follow the fresh prince ah which rock group has four guys who can't sing or play instruments mount rushmore where to spaghetti and where where do spaghetti and sauce go to dance the meatball they've already done that one early didn't they why do dasher and dancer love coffee because they're sent to starbucks why

is no one friends with dracula because there's a pain in the neck what time do you go to the dentist at at 2 30 why did the a go to the bathroom and come out as an e because he had a valve he had a vowel movement i just love toilet humor wow what do you call a droid that takes the long way around r2d tour what did the fishermen say to the magician pick a cod any cod um if you ever get cold stand in the corner of a room for a while they're usually

90 degrees so that was that one i want to read some that aren't okay let's here we go this is bestlifeonline.com it says here 50 actually funny clean jokes for any situation so it's saying that they're funny yeah so here we go uh number one so what is the best day to go to the beach sunday of course how what bow can't be tied a rainbow how many tickles did it take to make an octopus laugh tentacles okay we've done that before how does a dog stop a video by hitting a pause button people think i see is the easiest word to spell come to think of it i see why i see why okay my

teacher told me i'd never amount to much okay done that one comic sans walked into a bar the bartender says we don't serve your type here we does we've done that then we what's the easiest way to get straight a's use a ruler a grasshopper sits down at a bar i don't know why i'm laughing that's why just the idea of a grasshopper going into a bar it's a bit silly isn't it the bartender says we have a drink named after you the grasshopper says who who names a drink steve um that is funny i've

heard that before but it is funny what's a balloon's least favorite type of music pop i went into a store to buy some books about turtles hardbacks asked shopkeeper yes i replied i have little heads too uh what does the world's top dentist get a little plaque i used to be addicted to not showering luckily i've been clean for five years oh my goodness have you heard about murphy's law yeah okay anything that can go wrong will go wrong how about cole's law no well it's julian and julian's cabbage in a creamy dressing cole's law

oh what what can you imagine saying that in real life to someone have you heard about uh you've heard about murphy's law haven't you and he he said actually to build up to do a cold slaw joke what did the green grape say to the purple grape breathe man breathe what's the difference between a hippo and a zippo one is really heavy the other is a little lighter um how about a farmer how does a farmer mend his overalls with cabbage patches why was the tomato red because he saw the salad dressing they saw the

salad dressing okay so why you tell him in it i got my husband a fridge for his birthday yeah done that one years light see his face light up why were they called the dark ages okay done that one nasa organizing a party they plan it okay how many tickets it takes okay why is no i've already read lots of these a man walked into library and asked the librarian for books about paranoia she whispers they're right behind you oh dear want to hear a roof joke the first one's on the house what should you

do if you're attacked by a group of clowns go straight for the juggler uh why why um why don't koalas okay that's done a cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway police advised citizens to look out for a group of hardened criminals i couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting okay done that one i saw a movie about how ships ships are put together it was riveting a man walks into library and orders a hamburger the librarian says this is a library the man apologizes and whispers i'd like a hamburger please

oh dear that's quite funny because it lays in a library so he has to speak quieter okay why did the taxi driver get fired passengers didn't like it when he went the extra mile what do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup beer okay a group of crows were arrested for hanging out together the charge attempted murder i don't understand that how do you look at okay which rock group has four guys who can't sing or play instruments mount rushmore so that was done as well wasn't it what time does a

duck wake up the quack of dawn um okay some people eat snails they must not like fast food have you heard one about the skunks never mind it really stinks it's always windy in a sports arena all those fans um what is worse than raining cats and dogs hailing taxis um yeah so that's it that's those could there be any jokes that aren't clean um let's see if i've got i can read one okay what did the toaster say to the slice of bread i want you inside me this is bestlifeonline.com give it to me

give it to me she yelled i'm so i should read that first i'm so wet give it to me now she could scream all she wanted but i was keeping the umbrella um okay this is another version of something earlier two men broke into a drug store and stole all the viagra the police put out an alert to be on the lookout for two hardened criminals they say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds i'll admit

it i have a tremendous sex drive my girlfriend lives 40 miles away who's the most important who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony the one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand oh yeah sorry the answer is the one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts what's the difference between kinky and perverted kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather perverted is when you use the whole bird i bet you can't tell me something that i will that will make me both

happy and sad at the same time the husband says to his wife she thinks about it for a moment and then responds your penis is bigger than your brother's a woman walks out of the shower winks at her boyfriend and says honey i shaved myself down there do you know what that means the boyfriend said yeah it means it means the train is clocked up again how do you make a pool table laugh tickle its balls if you were born in september it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a

bang a naked man broke into a church the police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ did you hear about the constipated accountant he couldn't budget so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil why did the sperm cross the road because i put on the wrong sock this morning i like that oh blimey an old woman walks into a dentist office took off all her clothes and spread her legs the dentist said i think you have the wrong room she says you put in my husband's teeth last week

she replied now you have to remove them why does a mermaid wear a seashells because she outgrew her b-shells what did you call a cheap circumcision a rip-off oh um what's the difference between a tire and 365 use condoms one's a good year the other's a great year what what do you call someone who refuses to fart in public a private tutor this artist what did the leopard say to the sex worker keep the tip things were going well till then things were almost perfect until that moment why were the leopard jokes jason thing this

this isn't there it's only one it's not my jokes i'm just reading them off the off the internet i thought it'd make a nice change to do something a bit light not that i'm normally heavy but something a bit different you know a few jokes a few jovial jeviality cts you know i think it went quite well i think it went all right don't want to go that's it i didn't have to didn't really have to say anything about myself at all you know i could now talk for the next hour because um i want

to talk about myself i want to talk about me but i didn't oh i don't feel completed so i'm gonna go i will speak to you again tomorrow so thank you for listening remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve deserve to be happy lots of love bye