#575 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello and welcome to Jason Newland Newland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is let me bore you to sleep. Only listen when you can safely close your eyes and today I am experimenting with having the volume up higher when I record. Yeah so background sounds may be a little bit more available for your hearing pleasure but we'll see.

I listened on the headphones and there shouldn't be anything too too out of the ordinary. In fact I'll put the headphones on now. So there's not much going on in the background.

I can hear me. Hello. Hello.

You alright then? Yeah I'm alright thanks. Oh that's nice. I suppose so.

You don't sound too sure. Well there's stuff going on in there. Oh what do you mean? Well there's things but you know I don't want to bum you out.

Excuse me? Bring you down I mean. I don't want to I don't want to bring you down by telling you about all my problems. Okay thank you for that.

That was a relief. I thought I was gonna have to pretend to be interested in what you were saying. Oh nice.

Yeah well it wouldn't have been would it? Blimey I made that mistake many times before. Ask people are you alright and then they'd go on and on and on and on for like hours and hours and hours about their problems. I mean ask them.

I didn't actually want to know if they were alright. You know just the alright alright that's it. That's that's the it's like it's just saying hello.

Hello. Morning. Morning.

Afternoon. Afternoon. You know I don't need to know everything.

Well I wasn't going to tell you everything. I know and that's why I'm so grateful. That's why I cast you as a good friend.

Okay brilliant. Yeah so what do you think we should talk about today? What do you mean we? This is my podcast. Yeah but I thought maybe I'd join in.

Have a bit of a laugh. You know I ain't got nothing else to do. I suppose you could be part of the podcast.

I don't know really. What what what do you bring to the to the table? I haven't got a table. I mean what what do you uh bring to what what can you contribute? Well I can tap dance.

Yeah that's not ideal for a a podcast really is it? Why not? Really? Do I really have to explain to you how a visual act doesn't really work in an audio you know presentation such as this? Um not quite following you. Well well let's just say do you remember the ventriloquist act you did for me before you wanted to do? Yeah. And do you remember what I told you yeah? Well it's the same reason.

Oh so you don't want me to do a tap dancing because no one will be able to see the dummy? No no not not because they can't see the dummy. They can't see you can they? Yeah. So why did you why did you want to do a ventriloquist act on the podcast? Well I can't do it without me my lips move.

So I thought you know if I can do it on a radio or on a podcast they can't see my lips moving and it just it makes it a bit better. Oh yeah I suppose. Yeah.

Well why don't you learn to do it without moving your lips? Because it sounds rubbish. Well well I can't believe I'm gonna ask this but what give me a demonstration what what's the difference? Well okay here's here's my da I've got to go and get me dummy. Alright then you're gonna go and get your dummy.

Somewhere here that's just you rattling a couple of bits of things together that doesn't even sound like you're looking for a dummy. Oh no one's gonna know are they? Oh yeah I got it now I'm back. Oh good that was really convincing.

So what's the difference between when you do it moving your lips and when you do it when you're not moving your lips? Well when I move my lips I can say what I can speak better. Yeah but it's not you speaking though is it and the whole point is it's dummy and it's the dummy talking. Yeah I know that but it can't really talk can it it's just it's made of plastic.

Yeah I know but the point is if you're on stage then it's an imagination thing isn't it an audience can almost feel as if it's um if they've gone back to being children again watching a ventriloquist dummy talking it's it's fantasy it's an amazing thing. Oh that's nice yeah uh I'm being supportive to you. Yeah I know but you're just talking rubbish though aren't you? I'm talking rubbish that's really rude it's not so much you're talking rubbish it's just you just it's almost like you're just saying words for the sake of it.

I'm not I was actually trying to be supportive to you why why why can't you just be nice just once? Oh drama drama. I'm not being dramatic. Yeah you are I mean why don't you be nice just once oh yeah like I've never been nice before.

Yeah okay fair enough. I was nice this morning. Yeah okay let's move on um I yeah do do say something with the the dummy get the dummy to say something.

Well first of all he doesn't like being called a dummy. All right what's he like to be called? I don't know he hasn't told me. Okay.

Well he said something but I didn't understand. Why? Well when he was talking to me I was eating a sandwich at the time so I couldn't understand what he was saying. Was that was that funny? This is so stupid I'm sorry You sit at the dinner table with a ventriloquist A ventriloquist dummy and he's talking to you while you're eating the sandwich Okay it just it was absurd the absurdity overtook I'm back I'm back.

Where'd you go then? It wasn't funny. Yeah. Just laughing doesn't make it funny.

Well that wasn't funny either but you just when you just pooed yourself basically. No it didn't I just do I like absurd stuff it just I don't know why that just uh when it when something tickles me absurdity really gets me. Oh isn't that nice for you not for everyone else what do you what about the poor people that are trying to get to sleep I mean that is what the podcast is for isn't it to help people get to sleep I mean you're cackling like an old witch an old witch on crack and how are they supposed to get to sleep when you're First of all I did not sound anything like that.

Yeah you did. No I didn't. Stop sniffing.

Well I'm supposed to just let it all just drip onto my top.

Yeah that's that's that's really sick yeah yeah anyway so what say get the dummy to say get the your friend the dummy I've got to say dummy what else can I if you don't know what his name is if his name is Cyril or um Jimmy or I don't know Sebastian or something like that a good name for a dummy I you know if you maybe you could then um I'd call him that but I can't call him that I figure I got bored then myself if he hasn't got his own name I can't call

him I'm just gonna call him a dummy there was a lot of words well he said a lot of stuff there and at the end of it he hadn't actually said anything did you notice that yeah a little bit rude but yeah maybe I mean you must have been talking for about two minutes three minutes and I mean I didn't expect it to be life-changing admittedly when you started talking I didn't think oh this is going to be amazing this is going to transform my entire existence change my whole projectory in life you know I'm

going to look back on this day in 30 years time and remember that that was the moment that everything changed I didn't expect that but you just said nothing it just blah blah blah some words but nothing at the end of it it was just pointless it's just like having having laxative for dinner it's just pointless yeah why would why would you have laxative for dinner the point is it's going to go straight through you there's no point to it yeah I know but why laxative I don't know you do say some weird stuff sometimes

oh me I say weird stuff what about you what about me oh you do this weird you were born weird no it's not but yeah you're a bit rude today I don't see that and see quite why you like this well I'm trying to help how how is that helping I don't know so why don't you say I don't know it's not a complicated it's three words I don't know and you managed to turn it into so what's your point oh sorry I asked you what your point was the man that's never actually had a

point about anything ever wow you're you're rocking tonight aren't you what's your problem my problem how long you got well about 23 minutes no 24 minutes 40 43 minutes wow that was a bit specific yeah I know it's an hour long recording how can you do this for an hour how can you just sit there and talk about nothing for an for a whole hour and more importantly why would anybody want to listen to you talking for an hour what I don't know as the first part of the question is did you actually want me

to answer that quick is that a proper question or you just being rude just for the sake of it or do you actually want me to answer the question well yes for both of those I was being rude and I would like an answer sooner rather than later if it's possible I have things to do places to be goldfish to meet goldfish to meet I don't judge you on your social life don't judge me on mine oh wait a minute did I say social life I'm sorry I don't I don't judge you on sitting at

home all time on your own very very rude I'm not quite sure what's happening here so anyway forgetting all the other stuff can you just do the ventriloquist act no I'm not doing the act why well you told me you didn't want me to so I've not rehearsed actually that is a good point fair enough can you I mean can we just at least meet the ventriloquist doll is doll okay yeah I suppose it's kind of a doll isn't it it's a it's a plastic doll I mean it can't do all the things that some

other dolls can do if you know what I mean but you know but it accommodates my hand I know I know I'm just joking it's a ventriloquist joke you know it's it's an old joke isn't it like uh saying to the uh oh yeah like if the ventriloquist doll the dummy is rude to the ventriloquist then the ventriloquist says you're making you're making me feel very uncomfortable in front of this audience and then the ventriloquist dummy says you're uncomfortable your arms are off upside my bum inside my bum something like that yeah so that's that's

what I've seen on telly oh yeah that makes sense um so what other dolls do you have then why are you why are you doing that doing what I see what you're doing are you trying to embarrass me in front of all these people listening no I'm not trying to embarrass you I'm not I'm just saying you're the one that mentioned the dolls yeah well I just thought I'd ask you about them I'm not trying to embarrass you I I'm trying to show interest in your life yeah but there's there's more to my life than

the perversions that I get up to and I'll do other things you know you know I'm just a regular person most of the time you know I still have to go shopping go to the toilet eat sleep um you know other things did you really run out of things that you do is that the only things that you can remember ever doing no so why didn't you think of more more stuff well you go on you think lots of things that you get up to go on now on the spot go on what do you

do what do you do what do you do hey hey hey I yeah actually that is a bit weird isn't it yeah being honest okay I'm sorry wow he's sorry oh Jason's sorry stop the world everybody listen Jason said he's sorry he apologised for the first time ever oh he should be so grateful he's sorry Jason's sorry yeah all right Blimey what is wrong with you today no no I'm hungry yeah well it's time to eat then why was there a pause then when I said I'm hungry I don't know it almost sounds like this

you know what that sounded like to me if I was listening to this that sounded like it was just you doing both voices oh yeah but no everyone knows that I wouldn't I wouldn't even know how to do that how could you do two different voices and have a conversation with yourself that's almost psychotic isn't it yeah I think you got a point there what do you mean nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing that was among the weirdest things that I've ever heard in my life well you clearly haven't heard yourself snoring then have you oh

but you know what guess what I did earlier I did a deep sleep whisper recording deep sleep whisper hypnosis recording today early one and I fell asleep while I was doing it and then when I was doing I kept sort of waking up a little bit so I'd be like are you feeling relaxed and calm honestly it's like Jabba the Hutt giving birth oh feeling calm and relaxed getting in touch with that part of you that feels so safe so very weird listening back to it I had to edit it I had to edit out

the the you know probably about 50 percent or probably not 30 percent 25 percent probably yeah oh why are you telling me that well it's something that happened before I might just tell you just I thought it was quite funny no you're wrong no I'm not being funny as in but funny as in quite strange that I literally fell asleep ironic maybe falling asleep whilst recording a sleep recording and well relaxation sleep recording that was like wow really kind of just and I was starting to think what did I just say what did I just

say did I say something weird am I still talking now and you know no not really well I'll give you an example sometimes I will be in bed asleep and I will do a recording in my head I'll actually do it while I'm lying there I guess you could say like self-hypnosis or whatever so you know sometimes I'll lay there and I'll think okay let's test this out let's play around with this something new and a bit like you and your dolls except it's me and my you know hypnosis stuff and I would sometimes I

find myself talking I don't know if it's out loud or if it's in my head and I open my eyes to make sure that the recording is working and I realize I'm in bed asleep oh have you ever in your life ever said a short sentence you just spoke in a short sentence that wasn't tediously boring ever I mean just once you know what I don't actually I don't like your tone um that wasn't boring actually I mean just because I call it let me bore you to sleep doesn't mean that everything I say is

boring it's not about being boring really um it's uh no I'm not going to keep talking you're just looking at me smiling knowingly almost like you did it again you did it again I don't talk like that I don't do it like that that's just stupid that's just stupid you better you better watch yourself I don't what's that oh I'm gonna be fed up with you yeah good now get your ventriloquist dummy and show me a little bit of your act just a little bit please come on let's let's be friends let's not fall out

eh what was that were you trying it was that my voice again is that what you think I sound like okay there we go I don't sound like that no I wasn't it wasn't at all so what's the ventriloquist uh thing then okay uh hello yeah go on no that was it that was the dummy saying hello but it sounds like you yeah what do you think it's gonna sound like Mick Jagger what do you want yeah but it sounds exactly the same as you what's your point well if you want to well actually to

be fair if he was on stage then it still could be confusing for people because it's the same voice but on here it's the same voice literally I had no idea well I if it wasn't for the dummy halfway up your arm staring at me with tears in his eyes almost looking at me and begging me to help him um then I wouldn't know it was the dummy but people listening they won't know they just hear the same voice does that make sense I suppose do you want to hear the the dummy when I don't

move my lips yeah all right okay what so that was you saying I've said hello hello hello hello you're right it doesn't sound very good did you say of interest is your whole act just saying hello well I figure did this be you know Lionel Richie and Adele made quite a lot of money from that word so yeah maybe maybe why shouldn't I hello isn't me you're looking for I can see it in your eyes I can see it in your smile you're all I've ever wanted your eyes are open wide because you know just

what to say and you know just what to do and I long to tell you so much love you I've been alone with you inside my mind and in my dreams I've kissed your lips the ones on your face a thousand times okay okay that's plenty thank you very much that was lovely so what about the Adele I don't know I might have to look her words up for that one I wonder if it's another one of her songs where she's pretending to forgive her boyfriend for leaving her what do you mean well okay shall

we look at some of the lyrics let's let me chuck me over your phone and I'll look it up okay there we go oh yeah okay hello here we go this is Adele hello it's me I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet to go over everything they say that time's supposed to heal ya but I ain't done much healing now I don't know about you but if my ex sent me a letter like that I'll be honest with you I might not really want to meet her look at it yeah

right so hello so you're getting a letter from your ex-girlfriend or your ex-boyfriend hello it's me I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet to go over everything really yeah yeah there's not one man on the planet was to say yes to that yeah let's go over everything let's let's let's dissect the entire relationship yes oh yes yes yes yes can't think of anything more that I'd like to do um so they say that time's supposed to heal yeah but I ain't done much healing oh no that's the red flag nah

you're right I think I'll just uh I'll move again I think until hopefully you won't find me this time so what's the next line sir can I read that yeah yeah go on hello can you hear me I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be when we were younger and free I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet that's not too bad there's such a difference between us I'm a million miles hello does this sound a bit stalkish to you hmm a little bit hello from the other side from

the other side that sounds a bit dodgy I must have called a thousand times to tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done but when I call you never seem to be home yeah I was home I was I was hiding hiding I had to install a safety room to escape from you I'm just trying to sell my house so I can move please stop calling please leave me alone hello from the outside at least I can say that I've tried to tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart but it doesn't matter as

long as you can smell my farts no but it doesn't matter it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore no it doesn't tear me apart what does tear me apart is the fact that you keep contacting me phoning me texting me and knocking on my front door and sending me these messages I mean just please promise me Adele you won't write a song about me please I couldn't handle that oh no please hello how are you it's so typical of me to talk about myself I'm sorry I hope that you're well did you ever make it

out of that town where nothing ever happened well you know that where I am because you keep knocking on my door so why are you asking me if I've ever made it out of the town you psycho you're a psycho and by the way oh I'm not saying anymore just please leave me alone it's no secret that both of us are running out of time now I'm scared I'm calling the police so hello from the other side other side I must have called a thousand times a thousand times to tell you I'm sorry for everything

that I've done but when I call you never seem to be home yeah there's a reason for that I've moved I had to move you know what I ended up practically giving my house away I had to get out I'm in hiding I'm in the witness protection please just leave me alone I'm only getting this because I I forwarded the email or the mail so that I could get mail but you're never gonna know where I am so please leave me alone hello from the outside outside at least I could say that I've tried I've

tried to tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart but it don't matter it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore anymore anymore anymore well I thought you'd gone I thought you'd given up and I thought that moving away going into witness protection would be enough but clearly more is needed I'm gonna have to contact the police again and I don't know if it keeps happening like this I'm gonna have to maybe hire a hitman or something I don't know I don't want to do that but what what should what can I do I'm just I

need to be able to live again hello from the other side other side I must have called a thousand times thousand times to tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done but when I call you never seem to be home I know you're repeating yourself now and you just I just want to be left alone man I got you just keep hassling me just please let me go just just get on with your life and you've got a great career Adele I mean most famous female singer in the world pretty much so successful loved

by everyone come on can't just can't you just leave me to live my life I didn't want your money please just will you just just leave me alone hello from the outside outside at least I can say that I've tried I've tried to tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart your heart's broken yours now what about mine let's focus on yours it's all about you isn't it it's all about you but it doesn't matter it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore I've called the police again and they've actually put me in touch with a

hitman uh apparently apparently I said to the police I said that's illegal isn't it and they said no we've read your letters and with we know Adele and I think it's you need to do something it's extreme but you got to find a way to get away from her I mean you know so they put me in touch with someone so please leave me alone Adele um please oh that was nice wasn't it it's not I like it when we do things together yeah what was uh that's the only one that was stalkerish I wonder

if any other songs by her were weird because you know that could be I'm sure there isn't any other ones what's uh what's one of the top ones someone like you what Jason what the hypnotist or something no it's called someone like you I mean it's like super sexy uh I'm joking yeah I know there's someone like you the okay do you do this one I don't know I feel like oh there's a bit overkill isn't it to do too well I'm just I'm just interested in the lyrics to see if they're you know she's

always been like that or it's a new thing hey you all right we'll do this one oh yeah yeah yeah all right then someone like you song by Adele I heard that you're settled down that you found a girl and you're married now I this is the same as the other one this is stalking anyway I heard that your dreams came true guess she gave me gave you things I didn't give to you wow that's heavy right at the beginning guilt trip old friend why are you so shy ain't like you to hold back or

hide from the light well this is not like the last the last song where she was like hassling and physically hassling and you know I mean like uh at least this is just a song about him it's not actually stalking him or you know so that's not so bad I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited well I was wrong but I couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over wow this is even more hostile than the

first one never mind I'll find someone like you I wish nothing nothing but the best for you too don't forget me I beg I remember you said sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead sometimes it lasts in love sometimes it hurts instead oh wow this is heavy this is like hateful stuff oh you know how time flies only yesterday was the time of our lives we were born and raised in the summer haze bound by the surprises of our glory days that's a nice line that's nice very poetic very it gives the

impression isn't it of a nice summer like playing in fields and chucking cowpats at each other I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited it's also almost like why didn't you invite me vibe there isn't there but I couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over wow time to move again never mind I'll find someone like you good luck with that I wish nothing but the best for you too really do you really I mean seriously that

has got to be the most stupid sentence in any song ever especially a song like this you know he's married he's settled down he's married I don't think there's one person on the planet that would look at that situation and think you know what never mind I'll find someone just like you and you know what a little bit extra guess what might come as a surprise but I wish nothing but the best for you no you don't you're lying wow don't forget me I begged I remember you said okay so you're going to bring up

something that we said in here in a moment like when you was looking up at me and you stopped what you were doing for a couple of seconds and what you were doing was really lovely and I was enjoying it but you stopped and you looked up to me and said Jason do you love me what was I going to say what options did I have at that moment when you said to me will you ever forget me and I said no I'll never forget you please tell me don't forget me okay Adele don't forget

me now can you carry on nothing compares no worries or cares regrets and mistakes they're mermaids mate oh no memories made mermaids how did he get mermaids out of memories shut up who would have known how bittersweet this would taste again she's going back to that little incident blimey what a memory never mind I'll find someone like you why would you want someone like me it didn't work out get someone different how about oh I know this is a weird one you know considering you know for a human being it's very weird but how about

learning learning doing something different learning learning never mind I'll find someone like you because I'm not listening to you I wish nothing but the best for you too and otherwise don't forget me I begged don't forget me I begged wait a minute I think I read this wrong don't forget me I begged don't forget me I begged I remember you said sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead so that oh so that's the man saying it to her so she says don't forget me and he said sometimes it lasts in love but

sometimes it hurts instead no no man ever has ever said that I can't imagine anyone's ever said that to anybody ever please write in if you've ever heard any human being say this sentence other than Adele singing it for example you know a romantic breakup or you know or you know someone says to you if you said to someone oh please don't forget me if they have said to you sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead if you've ever heard those words then please write in for the chance to win a carrot

sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead he says it twice that's just rude isn't it blimey I wonder um whatever they can't all not all the songs can be like that can it rolling in the deep that's one of those big songs isn't it so we'll just quickly go through that one this this has got to be very different this is going to be a uh angst breakup song or something it's got to be nice so rolling in deep there's a fire started in my heart reaching a fever pitch it's bringing me

out the dark finally I can see you crystal clear go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare oh there's two versions to that okay see how I leave you with every piece of you all right I leave with a piece of you don't underestimate the things I will do oh blimey she's back to being a stalker again don't underestimate the things that I will do I'll leave you and I'll take every all your stuff basically blimey there's a fire in my heart starting in my heart reaching a fever pitch and it's

bringing me bringing me out the dark the scars of your love remind me of us they keep me thinking that we almost had it all the scars of your love they leave me breathless I can't help feeling we could have had it all you're gonna wish you never had met me whoa blimey that's scary wow that's even scarier than the other ones blimey rolling in the deep tears are gonna fall rolling in the deep you had my heart inside your hand heart you're gonna wish you'd never met me and you played it to the beat

I see the wish you'd ever made there's like in brackets I guess it's background singers do that and you played it to the beat tears are gonna fall rolling in the deep wow baby I had no story to be told but I heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn whoa whoa I'm gonna make your head burn blimey she wonders why the relationship didn't work out think of me in the depths of your despair make a home down there it's mine sure won't be shared I know it's got bits here was it

uh wow wow go on see the next bit okay yeah tell me what to do you're not my boss you're gonna wish you'd never had met me the scars of your love remind me of us tears are gonna fall rolling in a deep they keep you thinking that we almost had it all you're gonna wish you never met me the scars of your love they leave me breathless tears are gonna fall rolling in the deep wow wow blimey I can't help feeling we could have had it all we could have had it all rolling in

the deep you had my heart inside of your hand and you played it to the beat we could have had it oh oh rolling in the deep you had my heart inside of your head but you played it with a beating that was nice oh that was nice little ending wasn't it to it oh should I read the rest I can't be bothered really well I wasn't I wasn't asking you if you'll read the rest I was saying shall I read the rest because I was quite enjoying it nah let's not worry I suppose I

should get on with the recording really shouldn't I yeah I suppose I mean what's the point though really that's a bit negative what do you mean what's the point no I don't mean negatively I mean we've been talking for a while so you know maybe we could have this is the podcast no this is just me and you chatting I was uh I was going to do the podcast after we'd finished talking I didn't know that you was going to stick around for so long yeah well I didn't have anything else to do did I

I'm still in hiding from Adele I've got nowhere else to go yeah it's fair enough I can't argue with that blimey scary scary very very scary well well we've been talking for over an hour so I suppose we could just use this as a recording I probably don't want to listen anyway is it that mad is it probably I imagine more people are listening if I'm talking at least I'm not boring like you I can't argue with that one or I can't that wasn't even a sentence was it can't argue with you do do that

do do do do yeah well uh you've you cheered me up a little bit anyway so yeah that's nice yeah it's nice it sounded like you were yawning when you said that oh no no it's because you were yawning isn't it it's not that with you know no other reason oh is that right oh good so uh you got your ventriloquist done me just does he want to say goodbye oh okay what would he say I don't know I can't understand him was he eating a cheese sandwich oh you're so cheeky all right I want

to go so take care um do you want to do the little bit at the end can I are you sure yeah go on okay go away only kidding only kidding um remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy lots of love bye yeah bye everyone