#540 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

And today I'm going to translate what I say into another language. So what I thought I'd do is whatever I talk about, I'll talk and then I'll translate this one into what language? There's a lot of different countries here. So I'm using the Google Translate app.

Maybe I'll go for something a little bit easy. So I'm gonna do I'm gonna do Spanish. Translate to Spanish.

So let's see if it works. First of all, I would like to access the microphone. And I say, so what I'm gonna do is I'm just gonna talk basically.

And then, um, yeah, that's it. And then I will repeat it in Spanish. Yeah, does that sound good? So I'm gonna actually repeat what I'm saying now in Spanish.

And my plan is I'm going to tell you about yesterday. Uh, yeah. All right.

Now let's see what happens here. So here we go. Okay.

So there you go. So that's that's it. So I can do this.

So any of my Spanish followers, you haven't got to listen to the English anymore. You can I'm actually gonna speak in Spanish as well. I'm ever so excited.

In fact, I've never been more excited. So what we're going to do now is is what so it's gonna do this. See, yesterday, I my friend asked me to go into town to help him because he had some stuff to do.

It's just not to help him, but just to support him. And you know, what a nightmare. What a nightmare.

It was, oh. Yeah. mucho ayuda sino de apoyar en lo que yo se.

Yeah, um, I'm not sure this is really working very well. Anyway, keep going. It doesn't seem to translate a huge amount at a time, so it's literally like a paragraph, which is going to be very tedious.

Very tedious. So, English is the best language, obviously. English food is much better than Spanish food.

Um, the weather in England is much nicer than in Spain. Um, and English people are much cleverer. I thought it would be interesting to do a sentence that's never ever been said in ever history.

So no Spanish person has ever said this. So let's see what it sounds like. No pareci traducir una gran cantidad.

Eleves por lo que es digitalmente. Como un parafo que va a ser muy tedioso. Muy tedioso por la que el ingles es el mayor idioma.

Obviamente la comida inglesa es mucho mejor que la comida española. Y has el mejor clima en Inglaterra. Es mucho mas agradable que en España.

Y los ingleses son mucho mas listos. So I've probably just lost every Spanish listener that I've ever had. I'm only messing about, by the way.

I'm just, I'm not, I don't really believe what I just said there, however true it might be. I'm, you know, I'm not saying it. I'm just like if I was going to do German, I'd be saying something like, oh the trains in England run much better than they do in Germany.

Probably not going to ever be said. In America it's like, oh England really is the greatest country in the world. Probably never going to be said by an American.

France, they're probably never going to say, oh English food's best food ever. Probably never going to say that. It's, even if it might be true, I don't know.

I haven't eaten all food from every part of the world. And I don't think anyone else has either. So there you go.

So back to speaking Spanish again. I'm just going to re-translate what I'm going to say in a minute. This is frying my toes.

So, went into town, and the difference now from the last time I was, I got onto a bus, is the buses are busy. Hablo español de nuevo. Traduz lo que voy a decir en un minuto.

I'm bored of that language now. What shall we do? Arabic? Yeah. So if I go out of that.

So, oh wait a minute, I can't actually read it. Yeah, it's, how do they read their own writing? It looks like doctors, like everyone in, everyone that speaks Arabic must be like a doctor. You know how badly the doctor's handwriting is.

So if I change it to Afrikaans. Yeah, change it to Afrikaans. Right.

So, let's start again. So, the buses are so much better before. They were quiet, hardly anyone on there at all.

Now, lots of people. The three times, four times the amount that was on there last time I got on a bus. And the kids are sitting together when they're not supposed to.

They're supposed to only have one person per seat, and you're not supposed to sit next to each other. So the kids are doing whatever they want to do. And the bus driver wasn't taking any notice, because all he seemed to care about is that we didn't take the dog upstairs.

And he shouted at us, we're about to take the dog upstairs. Another bus driver said, you have to take the dog upstairs. And this man said, you can't take the dog upstairs.

So I sat down, I said, right, is there any particular buttock you'd like me to lean on while I'm sitting? You know, just, should I tap my left foot? Is that okay if I play with my knee? You know, I just want to know what the rules are. So, Afrikaans. This isn't real, is it? Is this real? How do they understand each other? How do they understand each other? White supremacy.

White supremacy. How on earth? I mean, how? How? I mean, how did they come up with that? Let's try another one. It doesn't seem any point doing things like Armenian.

Oh, those, I see. I'll give it a go, but. So see whether or not it comes up or if it's just squiggly lines.

I know it has got squiggly lines, but it's also got abbreviation. Right, it's okay. I don't know.

So, I'm going to get rid of that one. Let's try another one. What if it's got one for an American? English to American.

Filipino. Filipino. So let's have a go at Filipino.

So anyway, got on a bus. Got into town. And basically the things that we planned to do didn't turn out how we planned to do them.

But I think the problem was we planned too many different things. A bit optimistic for that particular journey. So, yeah.

Now in Filipino. Karanawingwang and Mga. Ngay ko ang problema ay pinmanaw namin sa maraming ipata ibang Mga.

Ngay ko ang problema ay pinmanaw namin sa maraming ipata ibang Mga. Now that wasn't as difficult for me to say because in... In Buddhism, a lot of the things that you kind of say out loud with each other are in other languages. And sometimes it's Sanskrit and other stuff, but it's also kind of, there's sort of an Asian element to some of it as well.

So I found that quite easy. Palama namin sa maraming. Plus there's a little bit of a Filipino inside me.

A little Manipakio waiting to get out. So let's have a look. Okay, let's do another one.

I wonder what it would be like if I said things like... Wing Wong. Chopsticks. Ping Pong.

Hong Kong. I wonder what that would sound like if I said it. So here we go.

Wow, so they don't have their own words for that. I'm not saying that they should have their own words for Wing Wong, but it rhymes. Wing Wong, Chopsticks, Ping Pong, Hong Kong.

Now Ping Pong, I thought it would be... Mind you, maybe Wing Wong, Hong Kong, Ping Pong is... Why don't they have a word for Chopsticks? Do they not use Chopsticks in Filipino land? I suppose it would be... I don't know. I've never been there. And I wouldn't use Chopsticks anyway, it's ridiculous.

What a silly way to eat Chopsticks. I mean, come on. Do they go to a restaurant? I imagine if you go into a restaurant and they're using Chopsticks, they provide Chopsticks on the dining table that you're paid to go to, then I can only assume that they're in the kitchen trying to start a fire with a flint.

You know, it's very, very backward. Chopsticks, how ridiculous. Are you talking to me? No, I was going to do another one, OK.

What other ones? There's lots of different ones, isn't there? Esperanto? Georgian, German, shall we do German? Yeah. German, OK. Hello.

Hello. I'm from German land. I'm from Germany.

Hello. I like wearing trousers because they keep my knees warm when it's windy. So let's see what that comes up as.

So... Hello. I'm from Germany. I have Germany.

Hell, I have no trousers. Will you see me warm out when it's windy? Hello. I'm from Germany.

I have Germany. Hell, I have no trousers. Will you see me warm out when it's windy? So... In other countries, what do you call England? Do you call it England? Because Germany, you call... You don't call yourself German, Germany.

It's Deutschland. But we don't call Germany Deutschland. We call it Germany.

Why? Why don't we call it by its proper name? If it's Deutschland, then why don't we call it Deutschland? In fact, let me find out. I'm going to do another one. So, you come from England, do you? Or do you come from Spain? Or do you come from Italy? Let's see what they... Yeah.

Yeah, you can do that. So, England. So, let's have a look at another one.

Are you an English pig? Or an English donkey? So, that's donkey. It's a pig. It's got to be complicated learning all these different languages.

I mean, hats off to those that can. I'll tell you what. When I was in a comedy club years and years ago, there was a waitress.

Actually, she was from Germany. And I don't know why she was in England. I don't know, she just came here just to travel or whatever.

But she was a waitress. I actually felt physically... I had a physical sensation whenever she was near me. It was a nice, nice physical sensation, like in my tummy.

Honestly, I was like, oh, she did something to me. And, well, she didn't do anything to me, but she really had an effect on me. The thing is, she was flirty with everybody.

But I think that's just her nature. She was just friendly. Because in England, we're not used to friendliness, especially not in London.

In the northern parts of England, I think they talk to each other. And say hello to each other in the street. Now, I started doing that here, in my little village that I live.

I say hello to people. Hello. Oh, another one.

Yesterday, in the park... I'm bored with the translation thing now. In the park... I... had this... my friend had his dog, and another dog was off the lead, what people like to do for some reason, and he was walking towards my friend's dog, who gets very protective towards himself, and I think also probably towards my friend as well, if another dog comes close. And we were saying to this lady, can you stick your dog on the lead, please? She won't have none of it.

Again. And my friend was getting really a bit worried, because the dog was getting closer and closer, so I ended up having to... I physically stopped the dog from walking any closer. And I just started petting him and saying, oh, you're beautiful, it's a beautiful little dog.

And until the owner came along. And again, we'll just walk past, no, put your dog on the lead. And everyone gets the right ump.

And we're trying to do it to protect their dogs. It's not like a personal... it doesn't personally affect me. I'm thinking of their dogs, because I... you know, they're... it'd be devastating if anything, you know.

It's like, just... this dog is your part of your family. Protect him or her. Just stick him on the lead, keep the two dogs apart, and it'll be fine.

I mean, isn't that better than just to ignore it, and let the dog run at this dog, and then get eaten? You know? That's... if only people understood. Not everyone, but if those particular people put your dog on the lead. And they'll take Andre out for a walk, and dogs run at him, wanting to sort of, who knows what, eat him probably.

Because to a lot of dogs, Andre is just a squeaky toy. Um... But they'll have a very different experience to what they have when they bite into a squeaky toy. From that moment onwards.

Very different experience. So, you know, I'll do everything I can to protect all the animals. Not just to protect Andre, but I want to protect the other animal.

I want to... or the dog. I want to, you know... I want everyone to be able to leave the park all intact, happy. Because all dogs are lovely.

Even the horrible ones, they're still lovely. Just, you know... It's very difficult being a peacekeeper. And perfect.

Perfect in every way, really. Trying to think what happened yesterday. All I know, it was just... We got some stuff done, but I wasn't out for me.

I got nothing out of the day. It was a very, very long, long, long day. And... I was, yeah... I didn't even get to sort of come home and relax, either.

Which is what I needed. I really needed that. But I didn't get a chance to do that.

It's almost like, oh, well, let's continue this... this discomfort for a few more hours. Like, yeah, brilliant. Great.

Eventually I did get a little bit of peace by about 7 o'clock in the evening. Where I could just try and wind down. But, yeah... Actually, one good thing came out of it for me is I went into the opticians.

And they fixed my glasses. So the lady straightened my glasses out, did it so the lens is back in, although it's not perfect, because my big fat bum squashed them a few couple of months ago. But they're now straight again.

And I've got an appointment to actually have my eyes tested in December. So that's good. And then... I'll... Hopefully... What I'm going to do is... I'll get some new frames.

Because my eyesight has reduced since I last had them done a couple of years ago. So I'll get some new frames for my normal day-to-day wearing glasses. But for the reading glasses, if the lenses or the prescription has changed, I will just have them put into the same frames as I've already got.

Because I like those frames, and I've never sat on them. So there's no reason at all for me to get new frames for... for those glasses. For the reading glasses.

Yeah. That wasn't as exciting as I thought it was going to be. I really had an idea that that was going to be one of the most amazing stories that I've ever told.

It... I thought it would be in the top ten. You know, stories that are... I want to sort of share with families and... families. You know, friends and family.

I just want to share that story. But it didn't... It didn't seem to really... Because I know it's exciting. I know it was an amazing story.

But once I'd finished telling it, I didn't have that same bubble of excitable energy that I sometimes have in other times when I have told a story of a similar irk. But for some reason, I don't know why, it didn't seem to really hit the mark. You know, it didn't quite reach its potential.

I'm not sure why. But maybe I'll think of something else that could possibly be mildly interesting in a way. I think the one thing I really noticed is there's women.

Women exist. I've forgotten. Completely forgotten.

I don't really see any women occasionally, but there's hardly any women around here. And when I'm in town, there's lots. Lots of men as well, but lots of women.

It's like, oh, I forgot about them. And... It just reminded me that... It just reminded me about women. I'd forgotten about them, really.

I forgot that they existed in my part of the country. Because I haven't seen I haven't really had any contact with pretty much anyone for the whole year, really. I haven't seen any friends apart from my neighbour.

That's it. I haven't seen any family, any friends. This year, the last time I saw my dad was New Year's Eve.

And I haven't seen him at all throughout the year. I do. I speak to him on the phone once a month, but I haven't actually seen him.

And... Oh, man, I was just seeing something on the TV. Random movement. It's this thing for cats where these pop and play, pop, play, where these little heads, Christmas interactive cat toy, pop, play.

1999. I've got to get one. Because these heads come out of these little holes like little mouses.

And the cats can go in. Andre, love it. I've got to get it.

I mean, I've got to get it now. I've got to buy it. It's only cheap.

It's not expensive. That can be Andre's Christmas present. Wow.

I've never been so excited. I've never been so excited in my life. It's ever so exciting to be so excited, you know.

Diddly-do. Oh, maybe I won't buy anything. No, I can't afford it.

I'm just looking for bank balance. Let me just see if it is available on Amazon. Should be.

What is it, Pop? Oh, what is it called? Do you remember? Pop Pills, Pill Popper, Pop-Up, Cat Pop, McPoppy. Where's Amazon? Amazon, where are you? Amazon? I can't find Amazon. Amazon.

Amazon. Oh, there it is. So, Pop, Pop-Up, Cat, Game.

Game. Pop-Up, Cat, Game. No.

No. No. No.

No. No. So if I put, Pop, Pop-Up, If I just put, Cat, Game, Splash Party, Spin, Exploring Kittens, Exploring Kittens? That's weird.

Cat, Cri- No. New Cat's Cradle String Games? Stop it. Mind you, Andre would probably like a bit of string.

Oh. Yeah. What's the point in advertising it, and then almost hiding it? Solitaire? What, for cats? Yeah, that's a good idea.

What if, like, chemistry set? It'd look brilliant. Cat-it, Cat, Cat-t, Cat-tit, Senses, Digger, Pack 1. What on earth is that? Ah. So basically, you put bits of food, and it digs.

But, Wait a minute, is that it? No. No. That's absolutely ridiculous.

I can't believe it. How can that be? How can it just disappear like that? How can something that's been, I mean, I don't know how much, but a television advert's very expensive, you know, thousands and thousands and thousands of pounds to put an advert on just for that 20 seconds. It costs a lot of money.

So, when they put it's available at Asda, Amazon. Oh, look. I'm finding stuff that I think Andre would really like.

I've been looking in the wrong places all this time. There's loads of stuff for cats that he'd be able to play with. The stuff for ferrets, it's not a huge amount.

There's this electric interactive cat toy. It's a teaser, and it's got feathers, like a, I don't know, like a, a fishing line, but with feathers, you know, that can move around. Andre would love that.

He'd probably break it, but he'd love it. How strange. Did I just see cat bingo? Oh, found it.

I found it. But they're calling it something different. This is called, they're calling it, tell me if I'm wrong.

This is called, they're calling it, Telestar Pet Toy Play Cat Toy. Funny carnival game for kitty pet entertainment. Pet exercise.

Chaser toy interactive pet toys for cats and dogs. I'm sure that's not what it's called, but it costs £13.59, and free delivery. Maybe it is the same thing.

I'm going to keep my eyes open for that advert. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to go onto the Asda website.

Asda? Not Asda. Argos. Argos.

I'm going to the Argos website. JML Pop'n Play Cat Toy. Straight away it comes up.

Straight away. JML Pop'n Play Cat Toy. Which is exactly what we were looking for.

£19.99 for Argos. And there's another one, Pop'n Play, £20, that's at Wilko's. Pop'n Play.

On Wish, it says two-star manual control automatic. £8. I can't believe I'm seeing stuff that I didn't even realise existed.

Stuff that Andre would love. Like this big fish that wiggles. He'd be all over that.

I didn't even know. A little puppy. Animagic Wiggles.

My wiggling. So it's a puppy that has a wiggling tail. But it's not a real old puppy.

Jelly Cat Swelligant Kitty Cat. Now it's got another one with Google on Wish. Two-star manual control interactive cat toy Pop'n Play for £1.

Let's have a look at that. Why is it a pound? I guess it's second that, doesn't it? Worked perfectly. Cats liked feathers.

It looks good so far. Cats haven't tried it yet. Have to get batteries through it.

Cats haven't tried it yet. Well, yeah, because nothing's popping out. Put batteries in it.

Bought it for my dog. LOL That dog's called LOL. He loves it.

I can only imagine in how much a cat would love it. I love it. My cat have a lot of fun.

Dara says item was just right. Well, that's a review and a half, isn't it? Yes, it was the correct item. £1 Why is it only £1? Ah, I got it.

Star 1 manual control Star 2 automatic control No batteries. Different prices. So this is one where I guess the manual control, you'll be there'll be some kind of thing that you keep pressing in order for it to sort of to pop out.

Automatic, they'll do it on their own. You'll be able to just leave it on the floor. The penguin will come up and just it'll be a random little holes where he'll pop his little face out.

Yeah. That explains it. Got to look at what you're buying.

Oh, it's a pound. Yeah, but unless you're getting what you actually want. Then you're not saving yourself anything.

In fact, you might just be wasting a pound plus postage and packing, which would be about £7.32 Or not, of course, I don't know. I didn't look. I never looked.

I couldn't face it. No. Couldn't face it.

Oh man. Wind leaf blowers today outside. They're basically just hair dryers, but low down, with long noses.

I've got no idea how long I've been recording for. But yeah, yesterday didn't quite go to plan, but... It's okay. Because what I learnt from it is... I'm not going to do that journey again.

I'm not that way, I'm not going to different places with other people. And what's the point in me getting deliveries if I'm still going out to a supermarket? Or still, even if I am sitting outside, waiting with the dog, it's like, well, I'm getting deliveries. Anyone can get deliveries, just get a delivery.

My friend has a specific shop he likes to get his stuff from, and it's not the one that I shop in. And the one he gets, he can't get deliveries, unless you actually go into town, which is a bit annoying. I'm getting by without that shop during lockdown and stuff.

And it's quite weird, because he went in there, or he went, I was outside, so he went in there. Big sign saying, we're not doing deliveries during lockdown. And apparently a lot of the shelves were just bare.

So I was like, okay, we're going home now. So he didn't end up doing anything else after that. We've only done a few things that were needed before.

But, yeah, it was a, we both agreed that it was an annoying day. I think we might have been annoying each other as well. But hey, that's just how it is.

Who's Torres Elmer? New profile. Who are you? Torres R. Or California R. Now I do see some people sort of leave a message, or not leave a message, but like, because I'm gonna like what I've done. Hmm.

No pictures though. Photos. Mysteries.

Hmm. Oh, I remember. Now sometimes I see people I haven't seen for a while on my Facebook.

And I was like, okay. I don't remember, but I do. Hello.

Torres. R. Elmer. Elmer.

So, yeah. So my plan is I ain't going nowhere. Not going into town.

Apart from for my eye test, but when I go into town for that, I'm gonna wear earphones or, you know, headphones on the bus, listen to music or whatever. Go to the eye test. And then come home and that's it.

Hopefully. They'll be able to do the glasses there and there. There and there, then and there, there and then.

There and there. But we'll see. I don't know.

All I know is I won't be wearing the same frames as I currently have because they don't work anymore. Which is okay. Don't really matter.

At least they're straight now. And, you know, the lens isn't falling out. Which is, yeah, it's a positive, you know.

It really is. There's a, there's a. So that's it. That is everything.

So, goodbye, goodbye. Remember to take care of yourself because you deserve to be happy. Be kind to yourself.

And I will see you or speak to you again tomorrow. Lots of love. Bye.