#508 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is... Let me bore you to sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

Yeah. Yeah. Just working something out.

4... 5... 570. No. Yeah, okay.

So, I hope you're all well and all that stuff. I am... Yeah, I'm alright. Had a weird day.

Really weird day. And then the rest of the day was really good, so... There you go. I actually, this afternoon... Yeah, probably about 1 o'clock-ish.

I started making a recording. And I just got fed up with it, as I was doing it. It wasn't this, it was a different recording, a different thing, but... And I actually put my iPad away.

I took it, I unplugged it, turned it off and I put it away. And I thought, I'm gonna take a break from this stuff. Because my motivation was gone.

And then this evening, it came back. So, I made two recordings. A deep sleep whisper and a relaxation hypnosis for stress and anxiety.

And I'm doing this as well, so hey. The summary is... Yeah, it was weird. I had, yeah, I had a weird sleep apnea thing.

Last night, when I was sleeping. I woke up and I couldn't breathe. It happens every now and then, but... Yeah, it's not pleasant when it happens.

Doesn't tend to happen when I sleep during the day. Let's see, yeah. So, there you go.

I started thinking... How am I gonna have to give the sleep apnea machine another go? Because I have no trouble sleeping. But those machines are not quiet. It's like proper in your ear wind.

Like trying to sleep in a wind tunnel, kind of. With a... I imagine you look like a jet fighter as well. And it sounds like you've got Darth Vader sleeping next to you.

Like... That kind of thing. Or is that just how I sound normally when I'm snoring? And the only problem is... If I was to wear that machine or use that machine every night... I'm just gonna be single forever. Which is okay for now, I'm not that bothered, but... I could... I don't know, just the idea of... Someone liking me and then sort of, you know... Wanting to sleep in the same bed as me... For the first time, it's like, okay.

It's just, I've got the image. We turn the lights out. And it should be sort of saying, what are you doing? Hearing me clankering around and making noise.

What are you doing? And I said, nothing, nothing, just go to sleep. It's fine. And... And then... He turns the light on and sees me... Dressed as a jet airline pilot.

With a big face mask on. Like... Dunno. I... I guess there are ways to avoid it.

There are ways of getting around it, I suppose. If you're really sneaky. I know someone that told me that they, for the first... I think for the first... Five years... Of her marriage... Her husband never once saw her without make-up.

So she'd go to bed with her make-up on. Wait till he was asleep, get up, remove the make-up. And then get up before he woke up.

And put on a fresh bit of make-up. Because she didn't want him to see her without make-up. So I suppose if that's possible... Perhaps I could do a similar thing with the mask.

But then I'd have to... I'd have to find someone that slept really, really well. Someone that can sleep through the sound of a wind tunnel next to them. I don't know.

Anyway. I'm not going to talk about that. I'll just talk about it right at the beginning and then I'll move on to... Less... Less, I don't know, less of that.

So I should have some messages to read. Let me have a look. Ahem.

Molly, hi Molly. Erm. Ben.

I've not replied but I'll reply here. Ben says, happy days pal. Just want to say I like your bored me... Bore you to sleep with music.

Think it's good. Ah, okay. I did one, or did I do two with music and I wasn't sure... if it was something that would be liked.

So if it is, then perhaps I will do two versions. So you can just choose. You can choose the version with music or the one without music.

The one with music will be longer, will be two hours long. So when the recording finishes after an hour, then it will continue with music. But there will also be music in the background as well, throughout the recording.

And the music's by Kevin Macleod from Computec.com. And I've tried to contact him on Twitter but he hasn't replied. With the idea of maybe... Maybe, maybe, ma-ma-ma-ma-maybe doing a podcast together. Anyway, erm... Oh, I think it's good, chill out thing.

It must be good because I always start it but never hear the ending. Ah, what's on the cards for tonight? Need a sleep and relaxation with mental health. Nope.

Sorry. It's just me waffling on. But I did do one, didn't I, the other day.

Let me have a look. What was it I did? Let me have a look. I did... And... And bam.

So I did Let Me Boy To Sleep, which was... OK, it was the number 500. And it was a special sleep session. Oh, OK, right, this is the one.

I did one yesterday. See, I can't keep track of what I'm doing. Yesterday, number 507, I did a session called Talking About Relaxation and Sleeping.

I could talk a little bit about that. I could talk about... Yeah, I can talk about some of the relaxing stuff that I've done with people. Yeah, I could do that.

But... The one before that was Underage On The Naughty Step. 505 was Taking A Dog And A Ferret For A Walk At The Same Time As A Right Mare. I did that with music.

I also did number 504 with music as well. I can't think of a title for this one. And then I did... 503 was Only Listen If You Are Easily Offended.

And 502 was I Just Saw A Big Hairy Beaver On TV. Which, if you listened to it, I did. I talked about the big hairy beaver.

And there was stuff like that. There was more beavers on TV today on the local news. And 501 was Stockings Up For The Winter.

Hmm. So this is 508. Wow.

It's only been a little while ago I did number 500. And two times before that... Number 498, 1.1 million downloads so far in 2020. Yeah.

And then number 494... 580 hours and counting. That's the only hours on this podcast. Anyway.

OK, let's have a look at the stats for that. Just out of interest for me. So yesterday's one.

That's just average. So what I'll do then is... I will... Yeah, I'll do them with... One with music, one without. Which then gives people the opportunity to choose.

It's not hugely difficult for me to add music to an existing recording. It's a bit of editing. It takes time.

That's the only thing really. It just takes time because the uploading... It's a lot longer because it's a longer recording. But outside of that... You know, it's quite weird.

I was watching a movie. And just to... Upload... Four recordings to my podcast and to the editing. It took me two hours.

And two of them had the same recording with music. So it takes time. I didn't realise how long because... I hadn't really done it.

I never timed myself really. But this movie lasted for about two hours. And I was like, wow.

I've really spent all this time. I was like, whoa. I think the heating's just come on.

Which isn't too bad because it's a bit chilly. You know? A little bit chilly. Now... Let me have a look to see... Because yesterday's recording didn't let me sleep.

Let's have a look at the stats for that one. Oh, it's done quite well actually. It's done a lot better on... The other podcasts to what it has done on this podcast.

So yeah, on the... Hypnosis for sleeping deeply. It's had 418 downloads. On the sleep insomnia hypnosis.

341. And... Because it's a relaxation session, I put it onto the... Relaxation hypnosis podcast as well. 507.

573 downloads on that one. So all together, how is that? 5... 15. And plus the amount on the Let Me Bore You To Sleep.

Aside, nearly 2000 downloads I guess. 15, 16, 1700, something like that. Who's talking about the bloody downloads? Who cares? Well... I'll tell you what is interesting.

Okay, forget it, it's not... I just remembered I looked at something thinking it was interesting but it turned out it wasn't. It's a surprise. Need a sleep and relaxation with mental health.

Well Ben, what I would say is... I've just done... If you go to my relaxation hypnosis for stress anxiety podcast. Or on my Facebook page. I'll put a link.

Or you can just go to my website, it's on there as well. And just click on it and you can stream it for free. And you can download it as well if you want.

So that's relaxation... Slash sleep session. And there's two versions, one with music, one without. And so yeah, I just did that a few hours ago.

So that's cool. Rachel... Rachel... Okay, I think Andre is turning into a juvenile delinquent. Maybe your vet could give advice on how to calm him down.

I don't think my vet could even give advice on how to find the door into the place. I think you've been making up fake messages for fun, you naughty boy. What are you talking about? Fake messages? I never make fake messages.

Mr Mulan, I'm being told off. No, I'm the only one who listens to your podcast. See... There's a few people... I mean, Rachel, I would... However much I care about you, I could not make a podcast just for one person.

That would be... That would be too much. I don't think I could... If I didn't have an audience of more than one, you wouldn't be hearing this. Honestly.

My... You know there's an old saying I always go, as long as I help just one person, then my life's been worthwhile. It doesn't work that way. You know, you can... Helping one person isn't enough.

Even a paramedic will tell you, they probably thought that, like I fucking saved one life. But then when you've spent... a day and you've saved maybe five lives, saving one life stops being... the thing that you used to think it was. Still amazing, still huge, still... But it almost loses its hugeness.

I'm not a paramedic, but... I know lots of people, I've met a lot of people that do work as nurses, working in the health system, and they don't actually really appreciate what they do. They don't appreciate how amazing they are. What the hell is he doing? Did you hear that? Andre? Why did you have to do that? He's basically... Where are you? Where are you, Andre? I've got him here now.

I think what Aunty Rachel was saying about you is true. I think you need to be... You need to have a lobotomy or something. Don't sneeze in my face.

I still want to kiss him. Even when he's naughty, he's just got such a... such a beautiful face. It's weird.

Are you alright, mate? The thing is, and I've mentioned this before, he hates closed doors. No, you stay on me. You're not going nowhere.

Say hello to everyone. Say hello. Do another sneeze.

Why are you sneezing so much? Are you okay? Why don't you have some water? You were sneezing earlier. You haven't got a cold, have you? You better not have. This is not the time.

This is not the right time to be walking around with a cold, sneezing and coughing. It's not a good time to do that. No, it's not.

I did take him for a walk earlier. And it was... Well, it was in a park, but the grass was very wet. And he's not a big fan of getting wet.

So... But he's got the type of fur that dries very, very quickly because of the oils in his skin. Okay, get down there. Right, I'm back.

I can't believe it. I sneezed, but it's looking like it was too loud. So I have to edit it out.

Oh. Because he did it right in the microphone. Because the only way... Here's what I do.

To make the recording loud, loud enough to be... So it's not quiet. That makes sense. Is to edit it in a way... Shut up.

First of all, I listen to any... I take the beginning off and the end off and I kind of, you know, mix it in so it starts nicely. I listen to any spikes to hear anything that's like extra loud. Like that sneeze, it's showing up.

It's off the chart, really. It's off the chart. And then what I do is I change... I amplify it to plus 16 G, B, D, S, L, whatever.

Which should be the standard rate for podcasts. However, because I talk so quietly, I then copy the whole thing and paste it again on top. Which should... It means that my podcast is not really quiet.

It's not really quiet anymore. Plus, because I record it at quite a low level so that there's as little background sound as possible. Apart from Andre.

Can't do a lot about that. But, you know, what I mean is like buzzing sounds and I mean, basically, I'm going to talk and I'm just going to move. This is me close to the microphone and I'm going to keep talking.

And you can hear as I start to move away that I'm speaking exactly the same level. But I'm literally probably about 8 inches away. Maybe 10 inches away from the microphone.

And it sounds less, doesn't it? I can even see it on the screen that the volume is less. But now I'm back. And yeah, it's weird really because I've got headphones on.

It's not the most comfortable experience really. I quite liked it when I was chilling out on the chair. Just sitting there using me tablet, the Android tablet and a tiny little microphone, lapel microphone.

But the sound quality was really not so good. And it used to take me ages to edit. So yeah, he's now having some food.

He's eating. Yeah, I'm making sure he's eating. I'm just banging the bowl because he wants more food.

I don't know why but everything he seems to do ends up in noise. He can't even eat without banging the bowl against the table or against something. I should stop moaning.

I want to stop moaning. All right. So the message from Rachel.

So you're not the only one who listens to podcasts. I want to add this as well, Rachel. The other Rachel who I was talking about has been listening to me since at least 2012.

So there. But you're still my favourite. Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

I've had a lot of people listening to me. It's not like showing off or anything but it's just true. I have.

And what I find, sometimes people get really excited and I think the novelty either novelty wears off or they just get fed up trying to contact me and not getting much back. Because I'm not the greatest conversationalist when it comes to messaging and stuff like that. I guess I do all my talking on the podcasts.

That's my talking done. I do try and respond but I think it's better if I respond on the podcast. It makes more sense.

And then you get a shout out. You know what I mean? Rachel says will you do a shout out for my cat crackers? No. Yes.

What did she say? Oh and if you're not against cats don't forget to do it in my voice. Not against cats. Of course I'm not against cats.

Why would I be against cats? Cats are lovely. Andre seems to have an issue with cats at the moment and that doesn't represent me. He has his own bigoted views.

Different from my bigoted views. He has an issue with cats at the moment and I don't know why. I don't know if it's an issue with cats or it's an issue with just one cat.

But when I was out today there was a few cats keeping a distance instead of following him. Because I've had a few cats and now that same cat it's a different cat to the one the other night this same cat was the other side of the road watching. So maybe Andre felt he needed to mark his territory as his place.

Maybe he felt he needed to let them know that he's not. Maybe he's more aware of his surroundings than I realise. But let's face it cats do really well in the dark.

Because let's face it they're tunnellers don't they? They tunnel. Any animal that will dig into tunnels has to have good eyesight in the dark to do that. It's like rabbits would.

Rabbits are famous for having good eyesight aren't they? Carrots and that. But I love cats. I love all animals really.

Crocodiles not so much but lions not really. Anything that's cuddly. I like dogs but the neediness is just beyond me.

Andre is so the opposite to that. He has his moments. I'm way more needy than he is.

He has his moments. We all do don't we? I'm self sufficient don't need to see anybody really hardly ever. Don't feel the need to talk to people generally.

But even I have my moments when I want to. When I make a phone call to a friend when I might phone up my friend and say do you want to do something? Because not so much loneliness but the need for human contact. But it happens very rarely.

Maybe a couple of times a year. I don't mean I only make phone calls a couple of times a year. I do that and I try and do that regularly-ish.

But you know there's some people that I will phone up at least monthly. But it's as far as making a phone call and saying can we do something? Or can I come down now? Can you come up here and sit with me? That's happened it's really really rare. But when I do it I really mean it I really need that human company.

It's very rare and I'm the opposite to that. I'd much prefer I think I've got an hour in me I've got an hour of spending time with someone before I need them to go away. Not everybody but generally.

Yeah I don't know why that is. That's why if I meet somebody and I mean meet someone not just randomly if I was in a relationship then girlfriend, boyfriend romantic I don't know whatever you want to call it what's it called?

Yeah a non-platonic relationship find someone that's not from Plato and I think I would need that person I need to meet someone that I don't want to escape from and that sounds terrible I suppose I don't mean it to sound terrible you know just someone who I feel relaxed with to the point of not I mean I had a girlfriend a few years back she was from where Dracula used to live Transylvania so she was from there and I actually really liked her and we dated for a while it wasn't a long time but I

moved to dress moved into a new place that the mouldy little dungeon that I moved into didn't know it was mouldy at the time and then she I actually had this chest infection very much likely due to the mould which at this time hadn't been painted over so I was very very very ill for not that long a couple of weeks and she was phoning me and I couldn't talk I literally couldn't talk about coughing so in the end I stopped answering her phone because and we kind of she was very happy with that so

we ended up going our own ways but when I first moved in there I said to her you can you can have a key you can stay here you know I've got to go to work but you can sleep here if you stay here and do what you want and probably the first girlfriend I don't know I've not really had that I can't remember the last time I felt comfortable having someone in my home because I mean it was a room just one room but almost everything my whole all my belongings were there not that

I had that much I had quite a few books but that was about it really but yeah I liked her a lot just didn't yeah the point I was trying to make is there's no point to be made really is there but what I was trying to see is yeah I felt comfortable with her yeah I did I think plus I could make fun of her and she made fun of me so that was quite nice plus I think also because there was a language barrier so if I date someone with a language barrier well

it's not their language barrier it's just there is a language barrier between two people that don't neither of which speak English very well so including me so you know if I date someone that doesn't speak English very well who's learning that's a benefit to me because it takes them longer to realise what I'm really like so it takes them longer to realise I'm horrible and then you know so hopefully by then they'll be in love with me and I'm joking I don't know maybe there might be something in it actually maybe which is not the

reason there's got I quite like in the past not with her so much but I don't really I couldn't be bothered to learn a language I didn't really care because she could speak English and stuff really well generally but I think it might be a youth thing when I was younger but yeah when I used to I was always attracted to women from other countries still am I suppose I don't know just I don't know why but regardless whether they're doesn't matter you name a country I'm not fussed just not fussed but when I was

younger I used to really make an effort to learn some of the words and even even actually when I've worked with men and you know I've sort of learnt some of their words especially Polish I worked with a lot of Polish people in the late 90s and they almost took me into their fold a little bit you know and taught me some words and taught me some stuff and used to hang out so there'd be a there'd be a party at the end of the night or drinks at the end of the night and they'd

sit with me they'd hang out with me because I suppose I'm one of the I'm perhaps one of the early people that they that gave them any time the rest of the time you know if that makes sense the yeah I've met a lot of I've met Croatian people Bosnian people people from Bosnia people from various parts of Africa various parts of India various parts of Europe basically just you know it really makes me I've now understood the way there's this whole separation between someone from Poland or Bosnia or you know Russia and then people

say yeah and then there's Europe that is Europe I know Poland is part of Europe now but it always has been it's Europe Turkey it's Europe you know I don't understand why is Australia in the Eurovision Song Contest ridiculous stop it doesn't make sense Australia is not in Europe but it's the Commonwealth it's not the Commonwealth Eurovision Song not the Commonwealth Song Contest it's the Eurovision Song Contest I mean why don't we just open it up to everyone that'd be ironic wouldn't it because America would be probably the best act every time because it's such

a huge country they'd they'd you know they're so competitive especially with singing so they'd get their best act yet they'd still probably get nil poil you know from most of the other countries of the world for you know political reasons it's not fair it's not fair I remember the Eurovision Song Contest oh I've got to read that message out sorry I'll read the message out and then I'll tell you about my experiences of the Eurovision Song Contest so here's a shout here's a shout out here's a shout out don't forget if you're not okay don't

forget to do it in my voice okay here's a shout out to Cat to Crackers the cat is that your voice here's a shout out to Crackers hello Crackers how are you Crackers oh no I've spoken to you I remember you up lad here's a here's a a shout out to Crackers how are you doing yeah here's a here's a shout out to Crackers I don't know what accent here's a shout out to Crackers here's a shout out to Crackers I don't know oh here's another thing I'm not sure if Rachel is being serious on

this I did a recording okay wasn't one of these well it might be one of these I don't know no it wasn't one of these it was a relaxation hypnosis one and it was about I think it was the fumigating negative thoughts fumigating negativity I think that was the title a couple of days ago anyway at the beginning of it I talk about you know finding new ways to get in touch with mindfulness get in touch with how you're feeling in the moment you know finding different ways to relax and I just talked about a

way that I'd kind of discovered that day and it involved standing on a crane and just balancing on one leg now I didn't know that Rachel was going to try it out apparently she damaged the crane's leg and wing no so I did this thing where I said I've got a towel rack in my bathroom and I just move my body a bit away from it so I'm still standing straight up so I'm not putting all my weight against it but I just stand there and I just let my body go back a little bit

and it's it's a nice little stretch stretches my body stretches my back my arms my chest shoulders and also uses the muscles but not in a any kind of tense way it's very very relaxing and it's very slow calming but the idea is you don't put your weight behind it you stand up straight you know you haven't got your feet near the wall you stand up so your feet are you know away from the wall so you're just allowing your arms to stretch you're not pulling against the thing well Rachel says thanks thanks for suggestion

thanks for suggestions to do the towel rail thing now I don't have a bathroom wall I didn't suggest to do it I didn't it was I was just saying something that I'd done yeah I mean it's all about really it's all about safety is important I do try and mention that a lot when I make sleep and relaxation sessions so yeah I hope you were joking but I yeah so yeah the Eurovision Song Contest I when I was a kid in fact there's only one winner other than Abba but didn't Cliff Richard do the Eurovision

Song Contest it's so funny how we don't talk anymore I love that song Cliff was so good even in the 70s 50s 60s 70s I just yeah I like a lot of Cliff he is the biggest star pretty much in the history of this country I mean you could say I mean he's not made there's other more active people that are still going and have been going for a long time but not as long as him you know like Elton John he's been around since the 60s late 60s as far as big stars John Lennon

was you know a lot of people would argue he would be at the top and Paul McCartney and the Beatles you know they're not but John Lennon is the legend apparently I saw something on TV oh no it's a magazine cover in the garage and they talk about John Lennon at 90 I'm like no John Lennon wouldn't be 90 would he that's ridiculous unless it was John Lennon at 80 let me have a look John Lennon he was born 1940 so he's definitely not 90 50, 60, 70, 80, 90 100 80 wow wow I had

to I should have been to just do that wouldn't I it's 2020 he's born in 1940 it's 80 years I should have nope still had to do it on my fingers so it's John Lennon at 80 I wonder what he would have come up with I can't the music because it was anyway so I Eurovision Song Contest you might if you're in another country you might not ever have heard of this so gives you a little bit of taste of the English culture so I like to give a little taste of that so you you

can get in touch with something that was huge in this country I'm talking was huge in Britain but you know I just talk from English perspective I don't know it's I feel like I'm not allowed to talk for the Welsh perspective or the you know the Chinese or the what are they called Scottish even though I'm I class myself as being everything I am as far as I'm concerned I'm Chinese I'm German I'm Italian I'm Greek I'm everything that's just what's it matter just what's the difference really there you go I have Greek knees I

definitely do I don't even know what that doesn't mean anything I just don't know where that all came from all that stuff anyway I check this out if you go to YouTube and just put in Bucks Fizz Boo Boo Bucks Fizz B-U-C-K-S-F-I-Z-Z I think and the song was Making Your Mind Up by Bucks Fizz and so who won was it Britain or was it England for the Eurovision Song Contest does Scotland and Wales have their own singers this is a question I genuinely do not know I don't know I'm a bit confused oh so it's

either they won it for England or they won it for the UK I think it might be the UK the United Kingdom so that would that would include but the United Kingdom I don't know what is part of the United Kingdom now India used to be I don't think it is anymore Australia used to be ah maybe that's that's why it's in the Eurovision Song Contest because it used to be it used to be part of the United Kingdom until I think it was 1987 or 1988 because I remember watching on TV when they said

the 70 years was up or whatever however many years it was and the same happened with Hong Kong I think when we were Hong Kong was part of the United Kingdom for about 100 years or something like that I don't know or we had it or maybe it was after the war I don't know the war I wonder whatever so it's I think that's why class history and geography in the same kind of light because I don't know much about either really although sometimes between me and you the secret sometimes I find myself mildly interested

in stuff and I think it's because of the TV shows that are on there's a lot of documentaries a lot of you know history stuff and sometimes I get a little bit caught up in it it's like wow that really happened that's ridiculous and other times I'm thinking I see something I think wow that didn't happen did it that's ridiculous yeah it happens quite a lot actually some of it does seem a little bit unbelievable but Making Your Mind Up by Bugs Fizz was don't quote me on this but why would you why would anyone

quote me on anything but don't quote me on this but I think Bugs Fizz Making Your Mind Up was 1980 it was the same year as Prince Charles and Princess Diana got married let me check let me google it that's my memory Making Your Mind Up see it's really really difficult oh damn you I was a year out 1981 it won the it was the winner of 1981 Eurovision Song Contest so Royal Wedding damn you that was 81 as well I knew it was the same year I was right I just had the wrong year

I thought it was 1980 but it was 1981 the reason I remember well I remember the well I guess a lot of people are going to remember the Royal Wedding because in my lifetime it was the biggest Royal Wedding that there's ever been in my lifetime in my memory anyway now I know that Prince William's Wedding was a pretty massive affair but compared to Prince Charles it wasn't you know it was still huge but Prince Charles Wedding that was the only thing anyone was talking about I mean it was massive absolutely massive and I watched

it on television when I was in Wales camping with the family not the Royal Family my family and we were in beautiful part of Wales and in my memory it was one of those days when it wasn't raining so we had television I think it was a little black and white portable television and it was outside and we had a big old tent we were all in a tent together there was a lot of us there was at least 600 and we had the television outside and we were watching it so I would have been

10 because the Royal Wedding would have been before I was 11 it was in the summer 1981 and I was 11 at the end of August so I was 10 yeah huge huge I'll tell you something else let me tell you one of my favourite things when I was on holiday was watching a horror film late at night but not um not like a horror not like a bad horror film but one of the old black and white horror films with Boris Karloff Peter Cushon Freddy Krueger no you know all the really old ones the

atmospheric ones the atmosphere was so I don't know beautiful in those films so yeah yeah well my battery is about to run out well not my battery but the battery on the iPad is 4% and I need to upload this before it runs out otherwise I might lose the recording so I'm going to bring the recording to it and see if I can end yes I am yes I am so thank you for listening remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy lots of love bye