#448 Let me bore you to sleep THE PERKS OF BEING A BRA FITTER - Jason Newland (10th July 2020)

Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Fall Into Sleep. Please only listen and you can safely close your eyes. My tummy's gurgling a little bit, that's okay.

My friend, my neighbour cooked me dinner today or tonight. So it's, yeah, I don't have many cooked meals these days, so that was nice. Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Blimey, here we go, I'm back, I'm back. Here we go again, on my own, kissing frogs and eating worms. So I'm, I'm tired.

So I haven't, I haven't made a recording for, I don't know, it's only a couple of days. Sometimes it seems ages when I don't do a recording, even though it's only literally a couple of days. So today is the 10th and the last recording I did was on the 8th, so it is literally, you know, hardly any time at all.

But I suppose when you get used to recordings being regular, I suppose it's, it was Let Me Fall Into Sleep 447 and then the 8th, and then before that, the 7th, 1, 2, 3. I did three recordings on the 7th, and on the 6th I did one recording, and then the 5th I did 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. So I did quite a few, just, yeah. Sometimes I just can't get out of bed. It's, it's, I haven't felt, I haven't felt wonderfully great the last couple of days.

But I'm very tired right now. I'm all snotty. I'm not really snotty, I'm just pretending.

I'm just sniffing. Yeah, so Andre seems all right on these, he's, I tell you, I think what's getting, not getting to me, but I think what's affecting me a little bit is the, the weather. It's been damp and cold.

I don't think it's been cold outside, but it's cold inside, but it's damp outside, and it's not damp inside. Does that make sense? It's, and it's something, it's that coldness where I can kind of feel it in my bones. I don't think it's an age thing.

The reason I say that is because for a lot of my adult life, including childhood, I suppose as well, like most kids, I didn't have control over the heating. I don't think many kids have control over the central heating. It's sort of in the domain of the parent, isn't it? I mean, I've not lived in every single household in the planet, so I am generalizing.

Only 42%. And I, yeah, sit in there being cold and not being able to do anything other than kind of wrap up, and even that doesn't always seem to do the job. And I've done that, I did it for, you know, nearly 30 years as well as an adult, living in places where I didn't have control over the heating.

It's been very, how many places have I been where I did actually have control? Here I do, and I love it. I do. I love being able to turn the heating on, even though it's, it's kind of ridiculous, the 10th of July, and I just turned the heating on, but it's cold in here.

It's actually cold. I think a good sign of whether something's, whether it's cold or not is when you, what was it I picked up? If you pick something up that's metal, that's a good sign. I picked up the other day, maybe it was my phone, but a phone isn't really, well, it's got more plastic, isn't it? I picked something up that proved to me that it was, wasn't just me, it actually was cold.

Just looking around, what is it? It might be one of Andre's food dishes, because they're metal. So if something's in a room and it's cold, not just cool, but like, cold, then that, you know, that's an idea that the room is cold. That was boring.

That was boring. And surely it was something else I picked up. I can't remember what it was.

Was it a spanner? No. Why would I be holding a spanner, although there was a spanner on the floor? It's not in the works, just on the floor. I don't know what it was.

Anyway, so today, yesterday, today, yesterday, what did I do? I didn't go out. No, I did go out. I went to the garage, I think, in the early afternoon.

I think. No. Yeah.

No. No. No, I think it was in the evening.

So I went to the garage in the evening. I didn't take Andre because they don't like him in there. They don't like me taking them in there, even when I take them in a bag, it's like, eww.

So I try not to. And they're a bit friendlier to me, apart from one person, now that I don't take him in there. But today I did take him because I needed to go to the garage and I needed to take him for a walk.

And I went out without the bag. So I put him inside my jacket. And of course, what does he do? He wiggles about.

You know, if he wants to go inside the jacket, he'll wiggle about a little bit and then get comfortable and go to sleep. But if he doesn't want to go into the jacket, he struggles and struggles and struggles. It's like a scene from the Alien movie, you know, it's like, what's happening? What's happening? And it just happened to be the miserable man that was in the garage, the one that doesn't like me.

It happened to be there. I was like, keep quiet. I went in there, I paid for what I wanted to buy.

And I was just like, the reason for that is because probably two, three years ago, I took him in there and I forgot his bag. Like I did tonight. And I haven't taken him in and out of his bag for years, literally years.

I haven't taken him even in his bag for probably most, probably the most of this year, maybe once this year. So anyway, a few years back, I was in there and I had him underneath my jacket and the bloke, the same bloke, the Misery Guts that was in there tonight. He was saying, he didn't say anything, but that time he did.

I can see you got him under your jacket. So I'm not hiding him from you. I'm just keeping him out of the way.

It's not on the floor. He's under my jacket. He can't do any harm.

He's not free. He can't eat all the customers because he's as scary as a crocodile, isn't he? A little ferret. I'm not hiding him because I'm worried about what you think.

I'm an adult. I haven't got to hide anything. The only thing I hide under my jacket is stuff that I've stolen.

So yeah, he didn't say nothing, which is good. But the thing is, the bag, he seems to be able to, he's an escape artist. He finds a way out of the bag.

He can unzip it himself. Sounds like, how could that be possible? But he can. He can even escape from the cage.

He knows how, well, he's done it a few times because it's just a case of just pushing one part of the bar and then he can squeeze through. Because of the way they are, they're not designed for clever, well, designed for escape artists like him. Plus, he doesn't want to be in there because he's not used to it.

He's used to having the run of the place. He's used to doing whatever he wants. So to put him into a cage, which I do now sometimes.

Sometimes I've got no choice. If I've got a visitor, if my friend's dog's up here, because he'll attack the dog. Always, can't help it.

And the dog gets so excited seeing him. He gets excited seeing the dog. And they love each other, but he wants to bite the dog's feet.

And the dog is so strong, strongest dog we've ever seen. And, you know, as it is, which is weird because I had the dog for about a half hour, an hour or whatever earlier, and I brought it upstairs and I opened the door and who was there but Andre at the front door waiting for me as I opened it. And the dog trampled on him.

It's just, I didn't know he was going to be there. And the dog was so excited getting in, the dog was just looking for Andre. He didn't trample on him, but he did stand on him.

And that's just ridiculous. He's, so I have to keep them apart from each other. It's weird because I know that the dog would defend Andre.

You know, he wouldn't let anything happen to him. I suppose Andre's the same. He wouldn't let anything happen to the dog.

You know, because he's very protective, but the size difference really makes an impact. It's, you know, it's, you know, I could be in love with someone that's 45 stone. I could love them with all my heart, but I'd be worried that they, if they rolled over in the night, because I'm in trouble.

You know, it's like, I suppose if I date someone who was seven stone or something, if my belly fell over on them, I could break their spine or something. If my belly fell on them, my belly doesn't really fall on stuff, but it's quite well supported. I've got a belly bra now, did you know? A belly bra.

It's kind of more like a slingshot. So it's like a bra with just one cup, one big, big cup that just supports the belly. Quite good on the back.

Doesn't leave a mark on your back, but it's definitely seems to support my lower back, which is nice. And the normal bra just, that seems to support more my upper back, in the middle, so my shoulders and stuff, but it does dig in. That was always my favorite.

That was the job I wanted to do. Even at school, they said, what would you like to do? I said, I want to be a bra fitter. And they said, well, you can't.

I said, why not? They said, because men, you're a man. Well, I wasn't a man, I was 14. But this was one day at school when they did the, they had like a job specialist came in, a job advisor, I think they were called, or employment advisor.

And I had a year left before I left school. And they came in and said, what would you like to do when you leave school? And in a way, it was, it wasn't just for me, but it was like quite aimed at people like me, because people that weren't going to be going to university, you know, I definitely would not going to be going to university, which was me. Although I did in the end.

Oh, yeah. About 100 years later, but still, I did go. And they said, what would you like to do? And I said, I want to be a bra fitter.

So therefore, I was being perverted. The lady that was interviewing me, she said, that's inappropriate. I said, so is your haircut? She said, what? I said, nothing.

I said, what do you mean inappropriate? She said, she pulled out a dictionary and read it to me, and I said, oh, okay. And I said, I still want to be a bra fitter. She said, why? I said, isn't that just, you're just being pervy.

I said, no, it's nothing. It's not about that. It's not just about that.

It's 90% that, but it's not. I think it's important that women have the right size bras. Because first of all, women are precious.

If it wasn't for women, we would not exist. You could say, well, if it's not for men, we wouldn't exist. Yeah, but you could put enough sperm in freezers.

In fact, there probably is enough sperm frozen already around the world to keep this world populated for the next 200 years. I bet you are. So, and we can reproduce that anyway.

So, we're cloning. I digress. So I think I said to the lady, I said, listen.

Well, I didn't say listen, I wasn't quite that confident back then. I said, please listen. Please, please, please miss.

I said, women are precious. Their bodies are precious, as they are their minds. And I think that through all that a woman has to go through in her life, she could at least have a well fitted bra, as far as especially, because I was very, back then I was very interested in chronic pain relief.

I don't want to say that because it's not true, but for the sake of the story, very interested and aware of the back pain that sometimes ladies can have, sometimes. And that could be partly due to well fitted bras, as well as shoulder pains, and the marks, you know, the bra strap digging in, into the shoulder blade, into the bones and stuff. And she said, how would you know what that's like? I said, look, I've had a paper round.

For years, I had a paper round. I know what it's like to be carrying around something that's really heavy, with the strap over your shoulder. It's really, really painful, even when it's not a particularly heavy bag, it still is pressure.

It's, you know, and it could be uneven. And as I said to her, look, I'm not, you know, it's, as most women know, the breasts aren't necessarily going to be the same size or the same weight. So it's not necessarily, just because there's two straps either side, doesn't mean it's going to be balanced.

And she said, how did you find that out? How did you know about that? I said, I've done some research. I went online, you know, I just had a little bit of Google and I just, you know, I did a bit of research. She said, oh, okay.

She said, do you mean by online? What was that? I said, oh, you know, the internet. She said, oh, okay. She said, you know, it's not been invented yet.

It's not, I know, I know, but everyone's kind of figured that was, so I was going to probably say that anyway, so it's not really that humorous. She said, no, it's not. It's quite funny the first time you say it, but I said, yeah, but what am I supposed to do? And that's part of the whole process.

It's a boring session is to repetition is boring. She said, not always. I said, what do you mean? She said, well, there are some things that you can do again and again and again, and they're quite pleasurable.

And enjoyable and well, far from boring. I said, like what? She said, well, watching your favorite television program, doing your hobby. So if you've got a hobby that you love doing, she said, she said to me, do you have a hobby? I said, yeah, I do karate.

And she said, you mean karate? I said, no, because that's the wrong way to pronounce it. It's karate. She said, who do you think you are? Who the heck do you think you are? Correcting me on my pronunciation of the word karate.

I got a little bit scared at that point. And so I pulled out me nunchucks. And she said, put your nunchucks away, or I will pin you to the door with my throwing stars.

And she said, with my evil throwing stars. And I actually believed her. Yeah, so I kind of said, okay, okay, then, miss, sorry.

But I can't, I can't, I can't pronounce it karate. Because it's, I said, well, it's how it's supposed to be. I said, well, you know what? My teacher, my teacher calls it karate.

Now, if the person that is teaching me calls it karate, then I feel okay to call it karate. If he called it karate, or karate, or karate, or karate, or karate, or whatever, then that's what I would call it. Because he's my teacher.

So not only does he teach me the moves, but he also teaches the Korean words to do with Korean karate that I did. And taught the Korean words that went along with the moves, you know, the kicks, the blocks, the cartas, or the forms, whatever you want to call them. The name for the dojo, the, you know, it's, it's, and she said, why are you telling me all this? I said, I don't know.

I'm just trying to, just trying to meet, meet out the conversation really. I don't know what else to talk about. She said, okay, well, the reason I asked you what your hobby was, was because you enjoy doing it, don't you? You enjoy doing something more than once.

And I said, yeah, but it can get a little bit tedious doing the same thing. She said, well, yeah, I suppose. And I said, yeah, exactly.

Plus, I'm, you know, 14 years old. I want to, you know, I want to do different things. Don't just want to do the same things all the time.

She said, all right, then. What would you like to do? Tap dance, I said, really excitedly. I didn't realize I was so excited about it.

And I still do. Still want to learn tap dancing. She said, oh, well, I can't help you with that.

And I can't help you being a bra fitter either. And I said, that's just sexist. You're sexist.

She said, oh, thank you very much. I mean, you're a little bit young for me, but it's nice of you to say so. Probably be a bit inappropriate, but, you know, maybe in four or five years time, come and find me.

I'm probably going to be working in a pub or something by then, due to my activities. If I don't end up in prison. I think, why wouldn't I? Why can't I be a bra fitter? Bra fitter, bra fitter, why? See, I did massage, and I can honestly say, I did a massage course.

And see, when I do something, I really do it. I don't mess about. I was living in the YMCA, in a flat, in what's a studio apartment, in the YMCA.

And I got to know some of the staff there, because I was there for a few years. And it's a bit of a long story, how I got to know them, but I got ill, basically. So I got to know them in a sense of, I'd go and collect my mail and all that stuff.

And then one day, it's, I was, yeah, I was unwell with the stress and anxiety stuff in November 2002 onwards, to 2003, it was a tough year. And I said something to the receptionist that was very negative towards myself, very kind of, that caused her alarm bells. Not exactly what it was I said, but I think I said it in jest, but it was, it was inappropriate, but it was also really, probably, yeah, it was, anyway, I said it, whatever I said I was possibly going to do at the time.

And 10 minutes later, I had a knock on the door, and it was the counsellor. I had a counsellor there, which I didn't know. And he said, oh, we're worried about you.

And it's really, really, it was beautiful. The whole thing, because they cared. People that, for me, I was just a random, just a random person out of hundreds of people that lived there.

It was a big, big place. But they, I don't know, maybe they were always respectful, or I don't know. They seemed to care enough to ask the counsellor to come and see me.

And she did, and they sorted out the change of accommodations for me so that I could live in a different place. Same building, but ended up in, moved twice, one that wasn't very good. No, I'd already moved.

No, I was already living in the one that wasn't very good. That's it, because I'd asked to move. And then I was, oh, I just, whatever, I was not, you know, I wasn't happy.

And then they moved me to the very top of the building. And my only neighbour was like a day room that they did activities in. I didn't have any neighbour to the right of me or above me, but I did have downstairs.

Nothing I could do about that. But it was a nice room. It was a studio apartment.

So it was a bedroom, you know, it was a room that I lived in. And then there was a kitchen and bathroom. And it was right at the top, there was a window, it was nice.

I could just look out, see fireworks, you know, during if there's firework displays. And I was far enough from the, far enough up so the traffic didn't really affect me. It was near a main road, but it was quite high up.

And was it one, two, three, four, one, I might have been five floors up, four, four or five floors. I did have a lift, but I never really used to use it. Yeah.

But anyway, so I quite liked that place. Then I had people move in that were noisy and I just had to move out. But that's not the story.

The story is, she, the lady, the counsellor, I couldn't believe it. And she did some counselling sessions with me. Like emergency ones.

And I was off work for wellness for, I don't know, about two or three weeks. And she, you know, she always put me on the list, the waiting list to actually have counselling with her properly. But told me I could go if everyone needed to see her.

And if I'd have, yeah, if I'd have gone down that road, in the end, I ended up moving out. But that wasn't until 2004, I think February, March, 2004. But if I'd have stayed in there, I would have got my own place eventually, my own flat.

Because I'd have been priority in the council. But, well, here, so it's cool. You know, it doesn't matter.

But it was, what happened from there, though, is I kind of got to know them a little bit, some of the staff. So when I started my massage course, in September 2003, I'd also been going to the gym. Because I didn't know there was a gym, there was a laundrette there, there was a restaurant, there was a bar.

I didn't know any of that stuff was there. It was this huge building. I just used to go to the reception, collect my mail, and then go out and pay the rent.

You know, that's it. I didn't realize that these doors led to stuff. I mean, seriously, couldn't believe it.

It was like a bar. And the room was massive. With a bar in like, in a pub.

It wasn't a pub, but it was a bar, licensed bar. And then a restaurant that was as big as any, as any, um, I don't know how many, but it must have fitted about 50, 60 people in there. It was open every single day of the week, and they even did sandwiches and sundaes.

So it's like, because it was a hostel, it was, there was, next door, because YMCA was broken into two bits. There was the hostel, hostel bit where people that were home or previously homeless lived. And I think they shared rooms with each other.

I think, I might be wrong. I never actually went in there. And then the idea was they would progress to get moved into the bigger building to get a studio apartment.

And they were taught life skills and cooking skills and things like that to try. It was a really good place, really. It was mainly aimed at helping young people.

And that's what the YMCA was always about, wasn't it? Helping out young people. And I wasn't young, but they still gave me a room there. So I lived in the big building.

And at the time, I'd say probably 70% was refugees. That just happened to be what was happening at the time. It was because the YMCA was trying to get refugees from 2001, 2002 onwards, people moving in.

I'm not really sure where. I think Iraq and Afghanistan and places like that. I don't really know much about the politics behind or the reasoning behind it all.

But it was mainly men that were kind of moving in and a lot of them were sharing flats. And it was, so there was a lot of people living there because there was an occasion that was fire alarm going off. The amount of people that were outside, way more than you'd ever fit into that building.

You'd go outside, it was almost like a football ground had just emptied. It's like about 1000 people outside. And there was 200 flats, or maybe 150 flats or something like that.

Blimey, where is this? A lot of people. And I guess there's quite a few couples living there as well. And I suppose some of those would get pregnant and have a baby.

So there was quite a few people there. I got to know the staff a little bit in the gym. Because once I found out about the gym, that was me.

I was there every day. I loved it. And I used to go before going to work.

So I used to get there, I think they opened the gym at six. So I'd get there at, I think they gave me the code to let myself in. And so I'd get in there early sometimes before the actual staff and just turn the lights on and that's it.

But there was three people that worked in the gym. There was the main one, he was huge, a bodybuilder type. But he wasn't, he might have been a bodybuilder, but he was massive.

He was like a bodybuilder but without, like off season bodybuilder, if that makes sense. And the reason I know so much about his body is because I massaged him. So I knew him.

I don't want to use the word intimately, but I knew him. And I think he had a couple of massages with me. And see, I know this all comes from me being a bra, wanting to be a bra fitter, but I'm professional.

That's what I was trying to get to. Because when I did the massage course, I decided that practicing with the other students wasn't enough. I wanted to practice with someone that I couldn't just be an idiot with, that I couldn't mess around with.

Someone I had to treat with respect. Not that I wouldn't treat my fellow students with respect, but there'd be a lot of mucking around and joking and stuff because we got on quite well. And so I wanted to try and do it so it's very serious.

So what I did is I put a notice in the reception. So it's had quite a few staff members. And I had the first person was him, the bloke in the gym.

I think he's the only one from the gym that had me do the massage. The YMCA let me use a room in the YMCA to do this stuff. I had my own bench that I bought.

Massage bench was really heavy. So I had that. And I did everything really proper.

I had all the white kit on and everything that I was supposed to wear. And I chalked my hands up. I didn't chalk my hands up.

That's weightlifting, isn't it? Wrong thing. I did everything really professional. And then his girlfriend came and saw me.

She worked in the reception. And again, I saw women and I saw men. And I was professional.

I know that it's like, well, why wouldn't you be? But that's the point. I'm professional. I tried to be.

So if I saw a woman sitting on the thing and she's practically naked, but she had a towel over her, I wasn't thinking, ooh, there's a woman that's got only a towel on her. I was thinking that I'll make sure that I keep her covered with the towel and that I show respect and I do this properly. I know it sounds like I'm being very pious.

I don't mean it to be like that. But I think it's important that people could feel safe. So I would counsel him when I was doing the counseling.

It's about, you know, people need to feel safe if they're in a room with you, regardless of whether you got your clothes on, got your clothes off, whether you're in a hospital or whatever. They need to feel safe. God, I'm getting all serious today.

Trying to make up for telling me I want to be a bra fitter. We haven't quite forgiven you yet, Jason. You know, saying you want to be a bra fitter is clearly a perverted thing to say, but you're getting back.

We're starting to see that perhaps you're not such a bad person. I predominantly saw men for massage, but I did see some women. But in the Buddhist center, I did massage with, I think, three or four different people.

I also did the massage with three or four people at the YMCA as well. Yeah, I think so. So there's quite a lot.

I got probably more practice than anybody else, but then I left the course because I just pushed myself too much. I was working part-time in the call center, and it was just too much. Every single hour of the day seemed to be taken up.

It's a shame because I was good at the massage. I was. I was good at that.

I was competent. So the good part comes from how other people were telling me that I was doing. But I definitely felt that I was being competent.

I was being professional and making sure the towel covered them. Yeah, and I think because men will allow, for some reason, I seem to get more of a boost that men would allow me to massage them. It seemed to be that, especially the one in the gym, big manly, manly man, and he was cool with it.

It's like, okay, because I got a bit of negative feedback when I was at work. You're learning massage like it was some kind of a weird feminine thing to be doing, which it isn't. It's neither female nor feminine.

No, female, male. I mean, either male or female. You know what I mean? You don't do.

You don't know what I mean. So if I would like to learn massage again and like to complete the course just for the sense of completion, but I don't think my hands have got it now. It's hard work.

If anyone's never actually learned massage, and those that have learned it, you know what I mean. It's, there's a lot of, it's very physical, very physical. I remember the, one of the people, the clients I had that I was practicing on has said, says something like, can you stop, can you stop squaring so much? So I thought, yeah, oil, can you stop squirting that oil on my back? I mean, so I need to go to work afterwards.

And I said, it's not, it's, I sweat. I was just sweating so much. It was dripping off my forehead and off the end of my nose, which is a little bit gross.

Not as gross as what you probably thought I was about to say, but yeah, it was, it really was hard. The, I'm talking about the, it's physical, especially with that bloke that was built like a, like a crane. Is that such a thing? It was massive.

I mean, his back was huge. It was just muscle. It was just muscle.

So he wanted it to be harder and deeper because just simply because he was, you know, he could, his muscles were so hard and he wanted me to get in. Honestly, it was, it was really one of the hardest workouts ever. I said to him, you know what? You should just get rid of all of your machines and all your, your gym equipment and just have people in and just lay down on a table and let them work out on you.

That'd be it. That'd be enough. Everyone's a winner, baby.

Yeah. So it's really weird though, after doing, massaging someone like that, that's like really muscular and then massaging a really thin person. I'm not talking about a woman either.

This was a, one of my Buddhist friends that was basically, you could see their bones. This bloke, the other bloke, you couldn't even see his spine. It was so muscle.

And then suddenly it looked like I'm looking at a skeleton laying down on the table. Really, really, really, really thin. I was the only one that wasn't thin there.

Actually, no, it's not true. There was one other person who was big, not big, just big, strong, but not just thin, but not skinny. Everyone else there was really skinny.

One was really muscly and skinny. So he wasn't skinny, but he was muscly and just, you know, six pack, but just not an ounce of fat on him. And it cycled for about 10 miles every day to get to work and really super fed.

The other two, and I think I massaged all of them. Actually, I think I did. I massaged all three of them.

I think I massaged at least two of them, but I think I massaged all three. And the other two is really, really, really slim. And at the time, because these were my friends, this is before I even worked there.

This is weird. I just remembered. So I was going to the Buddhist center from November, 2002, because I was trying to learn to get my body and my mind relaxed, trying to find a way to do it.

And so I got to know the people in the shop because they were part of the Buddhist center and everything like that. Oh yeah, no, I think I massaged four people because there was another that left, who was my friend. I haven't seen him for years.

And then in November, 2003, I left the job in the insurance company. I gave my mum, so I said, I just couldn't do it anymore. I quit the camp that I quit.

This is terrible, really, but I quit the course, the college course, and I quit work. Why didn't I just quit work and continue the course? You know what I mean? And I lived off of savings for pretty much the whole of 2004. And I could have just continued at college.

I'd have had loads more time. I did a part-time job at the, well, I lived off savings and the part-time at the evolution shop, which was run by the Buddhists. So I ended up working with these people who I'd been massaging.

So that was quite cool. Still had the massage table for ages and ages. And you know what? I gave the massage table, right, to the hospice.

Actually, not to a hospice shop, but to the hospice. And they stuck it in the shop. They gave it away.

They put it back into a shop to be sold, to raise money for the hospice. I gave it so they could use it, as a therapist can use it. I actually paid probably about £25 in a taxi to get it there and back, you know, and get myself home, just to give them this thing so they could use it.

And you say, well, how do you know they did that? Well, the reason is because I was friends with someone that worked at the hospice, which is why I was giving it to start with. And he told me, like, oh yeah, they didn't keep it. They're all turns wean on it.

And then they put it in a dumpster. They didn't do that. It was a really, really good, proper professional, professional in a sense of not very mobile.

So that's why I thought it'd be good for the hospice, because it's something that needed just to be static in one place. It was so heavy. And also you could fit, as I proved, you could fit the biggest man on there, or biggest woman on there.

I mean, it's always going to be a limit. I think once, there's a limit, isn't there? There's a weight limit on anything that's like lifts, and elevators, and parachutes, I'm sure. I wonder if you get a parachute, you have to be weighed, surely.

It's not going to be the same kind of parachute for everyone, is there? I mean, I'm just worried that if I did get a parachute, and they say, well, count to 15, or 25, or 30, and then you press, then you can pull the lever. What if I just, I don't know, I sort of think I might just jump out and I just literally hit the ground straight away, because it's so heavy. My belly would just pull me to the ground.

I'll be going one, two, three. I don't even know if you could offer me money to get into a, to get to jump out of a plane. I know most people do it outside of, you know, apart from people that do it for a living, you know, in the forces and that.

And some people do it for fun. I know some people love it, and good luck to them, you know. You know, I'm, I don't know, I think in the old days, I think I'd mock everything.

And you say, well, you still do make them, you still mock. I make fun, but it's different. Because ultimately, I will make fun of anyone.

Why would they want to jump out of a plane? It's how ridiculous it is. But on the other side, you know what? In reality, if you found something that you love doing, and it makes you happy, and it ain't hurting nobody else, that's wonderful. Genuinely, I feel it's a beautiful thing.

Beautiful. So jumping out of a plane, or if swimming with sharks is something that doesn't feel right, just do it as often as you can, and enjoy it. That's all I've got to say.

Well, it's not all I've got to say, I'm going to continue talking. But I am still going to make fun of it. But not in a, not in a horrible way, you know, I'm not, you know, mocking, but just gentle.

Right, back to stupidity of jumping out of a plane. I don't actually think there's any money that I could be offered that I'd do it. I mean, technically, there's plenty of money that I would be offered that I would say yes to.

If you said, I'll give you 10 grand if you jump out of a plane with another person attached to you, with a parachute and everything like that, I'd say yes. 20 grand, million, whatever, I'd say yes, probably, to a decent amount of money. The difference is, would I actually jump out of the plane? First of all, the 10 grand, I might not show up.

The pull isn't enough. I might not even show up. Because if I don't think I'm going to do it, then what's the point in showing up? What's the point in wasting everyone's time? If someone offered me 100,000 pound, for me, that's life changing, life changing money.

And although my life wouldn't change that much, because I'd continue to do this stuff, but I would be self-reliant, if that makes sense. I'd quite like to be able to just be self-reliant. Or, yeah, I don't know how long the 100 grand would last, five years, 10 years? No, it wouldn't last 10 years, would it? I could probably make it last 10 years.

100,000 pound, I could make it last 10 years. And, I don't know, but anyway, if I'm just thinking that kind of money, it'd be nice to sort of, then, if Andre needed the there, I could just take him to the there. And if I need, you know, it's, yeah.

Anyway, it's not about the money, it's about my greed. So, for 100,000 pound, I'd say, yeah, I'd do that. I'd turn up.

I'd turn up. Would I actually get into the plane or onto the plane? 100 grand, I'd have to spend quite a long time talking myself into it, really talking myself into it. And, even then, I'm not sure if I could jump out a million.

Would I be able to do it for a million? I mean, you know, I've always been of the mind that there's very little that I wouldn't do for a million pound, or 10 pound even. But, I don't know. It's that actual kind of the jumping out bit.

I think I'd be, I need to be a little bit like Mr. T or B. A. Baracus from the A-Team. You know, whenever he flew, they had to sort of knock him out or put him to sleep, you know, for the duration of the flight. But, I imagine they'd need you to be awake, because if you're all floppy, you can't hold on to the person.

And, I would worry about the other person's physical safety. Because, if it is like a 15 second wait before they pull the cord, I'm not sure if I wouldn't have... Yeah, Andre, shut up, mate. Shush.

I'm not sure if any human being could stand being squeezed by me for that long. When I just jumped out of a plane, I'm guessing I would break every single bone in their upper body by squeezing, not meaning to, but just squeezing so tight that I imagine that they would probably pass out. So, then I'd have to pull the cord.

Yeah, I don't think they've given it enough thought. Or, maybe I've given it too much thought. I don't know.

So, yeah, I'd like to be a profiter. Profiter. I've got no idea what I'm talking about today.

I was going to talk about... I wasn't going to talk about... I haven't really done much. I've even got messages to read out, but I can't be bothered. I've got messages I need to reply to, but I didn't even reply to my own dad.

If I said my own dad, I could just have said my dad. If I'd have said my dad, he wouldn't have thought... I wonder whose dad he's talking about? My own dad. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I could... Yeah, I'd have to reply to a few messages. I just haven't had the will to do it today or yesterday. But I will.

I promise. I will. I will.

I will. I will. I mean, the reason why I won't now is because a lot of people listening won't still be listening.

They'll have got so bored and fallen asleep by now that, you know what I mean? You know what I mean, innit? Yeah. Did I tell you that I've got a delivery? I've got a delivery with the supermarket. The first one since, I think, February.

So it's only five months. And I've bought... I've got about a hundred pounds worth of things. And I've got lots of different items.

In fact, I can tell you what I've bought. So I've given myself a few little treats. But what happened yesterday, I think it's part of the reason I didn't make a recording because I'm a bit annoyed.

The night before, I ordered all my stuff. So yeah, so I've got the delivery. And the... Then the next day, I got a letter through the post telling me that my telephone bill hadn't been paid.

And they were going to... I didn't pay it. They were going to send the debt collectors round, which I thought, oh yeah. So I phoned them up.

And they said to me, yeah, you owe 98 pounds. And I said, okay, so why hasn't it gone out of my account? And she said, oh, the bank cancelled your direct debit on the 3rd of July. I haven't contacted my bank for months.

There's no point. You can't get through. There's literally no point trying to get through to the bank at the moment.

It's just pointless. And I said, I don't get it. I just don't understand.

So I said, well, why is it 98 pound? And she said, well, you didn't... we couldn't take the money last month either. I said, why not? She said, there wasn't enough money in your bank. Okay.

And so they've been taken off my card rather than by direct debit. That's just, I'm just confused. So I just said, okay.

And so they took 98 pound out of my money. And I thought, I need to cancel the grocery delivery now. Because otherwise I've got 30 pound for the next two weeks.

And I've got a website coming out. I've got the money in, well, just living expenses for two weeks. And also the podcast stuff.

And then I thought, no, I'm not canceling what I've ordered because it's taken me five months. I've been waiting for this. And I thought, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's what I decided. So I've got the delivery coming. And was it Saturday? Saturday.

I've treated myself to some stuff as well. So what I did originally, everything I added came to about 300 pound. And I had 250 pound to spend.

Not to spend, but that was all the money I had in the world. But it just was in the bank. So I thought, okay.

And it had just gone in. So I thought, well, I started taking it. I was probably online for about an hour and a half, going through stuff, trying to choose stuff that I needed, trying to think of what do I need? What do I need? What do I need? And then I had to whittle it down from 300, I think it was 370 pound to get it to be a... I forget what it came to in the end, just over 100 pound and six pound for delivery.

Six pound for delivery. Wow. That's a fair bit, isn't it? Wow.

So I think the actual, the food was 93 pound 97. And then six pound for delivery took it to just under 100, 99 pound or whatever. So this is what I've chosen.

It might sound like there's a lot of sweet stuff on there, but there isn't really. It's just a mixture of different bits. So I've got two times Cadbury dairy milk, butter and chocolate dessert, total price 94 pence.

So they were on special offer, half price. That's why I got them. You don't normally get two for 90, one is normally about a pound.

And their desserts, I love them, but I haven't had one. As I said, for about five months. So I'm going to treat myself to Cadbury's flake chocolate dessert, another two for 94 pence.

So they're the only two of those. I originally had about 30, but I reduced them out to just two. I've got two Dr. Otkin Ristorante Hawaiian pizzas, total price three pound 50.

So they're frozen. So that's two pizzas. I'll have one this Saturday and one next Saturday evening.

That's part of my Saturday evening treat. I've got one Gravita crisp bread, original 250 grams, one pound. One times Oatty biscuits, 45 pence.

One times freezer bags, large tie handle, one pound 20. One time Walker's cheese and onion crisps, and that's six packets, one pound 70. One pack of three pure pineapple juice, 80 pence.

One Dettol antibacterial surface cleaning wipes, times by 30, one pound 75. So I've got, I can't believe it's so good, original spread. I think it's like, I can't believe it's not butter.

Times by three. So that's three pound 75. I'm getting three of them because I've been running out lately and the garage doesn't sell it.

And the shop doesn't sell the stuff that I like. So I got three, which will last me for probably about a month, three more. So one times nice biscuits or nice biscuits, 50 pence.

Got the Activia mixed yellow fruit yogurts, a pack of eight, three pound. I've got pure apple juice, six. So there's two of those, that's three pound.

Why did I bought two of those instead of one? I've got Oral-B essential waxed regular meat dental floss, total price two pound, just one of those. I've got a pack of bananas, fair trade, times by eight, one pound 10. I've got bird's eye southern fried chicken grills, times by four, that's three pound, it's frozen.

I've got a few little, okay, Sainsbury's ice cream cones, chocolate and nut. And there's four, that's one pound 20. And the same ones, but these are mint, again, one pound 20.

It's a summer, it's the time for ice cream. So a little bit of a treat for myself. And that could last for, I've got two freezers, so that could last me for the, hopefully, the two week period.

I've got one Heinz tomato ketchup, 910 grams, two pound 80. So that's a big one. So that should last me for the two weeks.

I've got free range large eggs, times by six, two pound 20. I've got two Cravendale Pure Filty semi-skimmed milk, one litre, total price two 30. I've got two slices of Hovis thick wholemeal bread, two pound 40.

One Robertson's golden shred orange marmalade, one pound 50. I've got a Harley's Best seedless raspberry jam, one pound 60. I've got a cat litter scoop, one pound, random.

Jacob's, I was going to get some cat litter, but I didn't in the end, I don't think. Yes, I did. That'll have to be the next, next week, or the week after, I don't know.

I've got Jacob's cream crackers, one pound 20. Sainsbury's British medium cheddar cheese slices, one pound 70. This is the sandwich stuff that hopefully would last me for, well, for a little while.

I've got air-dried ham, lean, finely sliced, one pound, two pound 25. One times Spanish chorizo Iberico boleto, taste difference, two pound. This is something that I've been craving for some reason, I don't know why.

Heinz salad cream, so that's two pound 90. Really, really craving salad cream. Again, I'm not sure why, but hey, I might be pregnant.

I've got Sainsbury's radishes, 55 pence. Sainsbury's plum tomatoes, one pound 20. So the plan of this is to sort of make maybe a salad or put them into sandwiches with the other stuff.

And we've got these whole cold cucumber, 50 pence. I've got some white potatoes, 2.5 kilograms, one pound 35. Again, I've got these, these are little treats for myself.

I deserve a treat, I really do. I don't know why, I just feel I do. Maybe I don't.

But anyway, I've treated myself to five times syrup sponge pudding. So there's two in each pack. So there's 10 sponge puddings that you can put into the microwave.

I love sponge puddings, but I haven't had any in ages and ages. I haven't even been to Iceland since, I can't remember. Generally can't remember, probably February.

I've got one thick frozen pork sausages, 12 times, that's for two pound. And bird's eye large battered cot fillets, times by four, three pound 50. One times bird's eye crispy chicken grills, times by two, one pound 65.

Another bird's eye original chicken grills, times two, one 65. So one is crispy, one is just original. One times bird's eye short crust chicken pies, times four, three pound.

Bird's eye beef coir pounders, and two 25. Oh, I've got some Mars ice cream, four, one pound 50. Oh, treats, a few little treats I have.

Sainsbury's Cornish dairy ice cream. Now this, that was to go with the sponge puddings. Okay.

So it's like a big, and the tub can last for ages. So if I was going to eat all that stuff in one go, you'd say, well, that's a bit, but this has got to last me. Although we'll eat it on Saturday, man, I want to put on about stone.

One bird's eye codfish fingers, big value pack, timed by 30. Six pound. And Sainsbury's white burger buns, times six, to go with the burgers.

I do have a few, a few frozen chips left, but the plan is on Saturday, just treat myself to some burgers and some ice cream. Just have a stuff that I don't normally eat. I haven't eaten for ages and ages and ages.

I've also got one roll of kitchen foil, 300 millimetres times by 10 metres, one pound 75. So I've told them I don't want anything apart. I forgot to tick the thing for that one, but it's only one substitution allowed.

That's the kitchen foil. It's only because I didn't untick it. That means that I might not get everything on my list.

It also means that they won't replace it with something that costs more, so that I end up with a bill of 120 taken out of my account. So that's cool. I'm pleased about that.

And really weird. They said on the email, oh, your order is going to come without carrier bags. You requested that.

I didn't request that. And how many? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16. Okay, mine's going.

1, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48. 48 items. That's 48 times I'm going to have to bend over.

So there. Might sound like I'm complaining and it's not, but I want the bags. I'm going to readjust myself.

Have a little drink of... It's not that I want the jeans back. It's just, it's, it's, my lower back hurts when I keep bending down. Although, you know, it's just wear and tear.

And I know I'm sounding like an old fogey moaning, but I am an old fogey and I'm moaning about it. I can't help it. So yeah, I don't know.

I might just have to just pick up the crate and just tip it on the floor. But that's not ideal, is it? With things like eggs and... Plus, Andre is going to be all over it. He's going to love, he hasn't had an opportunity to really dig in to deliveries.

I mean, let me have a look at my Facebook page, because I can actually tell you my last delivery, because I think I filmed it on Facebook. So let me first of all put the volume down. Photo.

Let me have a look. Wow. Rihanna.

Rihanna. Wow. Wow.

This is some weird pictures I have. Where's the video of him? All right. Okay.

So my camera roll. So what I'll do, I'll just go to my camera roll. It should tell me photos, videos.

It should give me the date of when he did that. I hope. 7th of February.

Now, it might not be the last delivery I ever had, but it looks like it might well have been the last delivery I had. 7th of February. And there's a video of Andre getting into the back.

Oh, wait a minute. That's not right. There was another one after that.

I'm sure there was. Get back those pictures. I won't be fooled by myself.

No. Ah, look, another one. 4th of March.

That's the last one. The reason I know is because I blocked. He couldn't actually get through.

Because the whole thing was blocked. There was so much stuff. I got a big, big delivery.

And wow. I remember that day as well, because I bought 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, probably about 15. Andre's climbing over everything trying to get through.

So I bought about 10, 15. What are they called? Breakfast cereals, porridge, the ones that you put in the microwave for two minutes. And you add milk and put it into the microwave.

So I had a special offer. It was really weird. This is long before anyone was doing the purchasing of lots of stuff.

This is before the panic buying started. And I went in there and I was buying. I've always been a stocker.

I stock up stuff because it's the best way. I've got no one to help me if I need to. If I run out of toilet paper, for example, I might have a friend downstairs who might be able to help me.

I'm sure that for things like food and the bigger things, I like to have it stored as much as possible. So I've got enough. So thanks to Rachel, I've got enough beans to last me for quite a bit.

Thanks to Lilith, I've got enough coffee and sugar to last me. And washing tablet, you know, ones for the laundry. I've got loads of those now.

So I've got enough there to last me for quite a while. So thanks to help. So I do try and stock up.

And then suddenly it was a big thing. Well, a lot of people were trying to do it. But that day, the only reason I bought so many of them is because they were on special offer.

Really cheap, probably at least 50% off. And I was already eating them. It's not like I thought, 50% off, I'll buy them.

I was already eating them during the winter. So I thought, wow, okay, I'll have that. And I did.

And I've still got them. I've still got quite a few. But I don't want to eat them now because it's the summer.

And even though I was moaning about it being cold, it's not usually particularly cold during the day. In the evening, it's cold. It's been wet outside.

But I don't want to eat porridge or ready break in July. It just feels wrong for some reason. So yeah, it's real.

Very unhappy with it. Oh, wow. I've got an amazing... Wow.

Just a lovely message from Natalie, Natalie Merkley. I'm absolutely so grateful to have found Jason. He has helped me so much already, insomnia, chronic pain, relaxation, and so much more.

He's absolutely amazing. And his baby, Andre, his ferret. He's absolutely adorable.

Again, thank you for everything you do. Well, thank you, Natalie. That is really, really lovely.

It's really cheered me up. Thank you. It's quite weird, isn't it? It was posted three minutes ago on the Jason Newland Hypnotist.

So how do I... I'm going to reply. Thank you so much. If I share this, I was already... So, Jason Newland, the hypnotist, which one is that? And I should know.

Jason Newland did. Okay. Is it on there? Two notifications.

So I've got... I lose track of what I've got going on here. Why is it not showing though? Thank you very much, Natalie. I really appreciate that.

But for some reason, it doesn't seem to be showing on the actual page. I don't get it. I don't know.

I'll have to look at it. I'll try to figure it out tomorrow. But thank you very much.

In fact, what I'm going to do is share it on my other places as well. And I've got another message from Vanessa. Well, not another message, a message from Vanessa saying, hope you and Andrea are having a good day.

Give that little guy a cuddle and a treat for me. I am enjoying your boringness. Thank you.

I fall asleep and stay asleep while I listen to you. You're great. Thank you, Vanessa.

Very kind of you. Very kind of you. And there's a possibility that you're asleep.

But if you're not, you might not be asleep now. I don't know when I'm talking but you might be asleep during this recording at this point in the recording, I think. Yeah.

Another message, this is a private message. I'm not going to read it out. But I will read just to say, got a message from Becca.

And I'm going to reply to you just thinking about it. Not think about replying, but just as I'm not, if you are listening to this, but I'm going to put, I shall reply soon. Yeah.

So that's right. I'm not going to read out her message because she sent me a private message from a website. See, I'm learning.

I'm learning not to do stuff. I just, if it's, if it's published, if it's posted publicly on Facebook, or if it's published on Twitter, or in a review, you know, then I will read it out. And if it's a private message, unless it's just saying nice things, then I won't read it out.

If it's personal. I'm maturing as a person. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. No. How many hours and 270, 400 minutes.

400 minutes. That's how many minutes I can talk on here. Before it stops recording.

So I've still got 207 minutes and 25 seconds. But I've used up 92 minutes and 39 seconds. Because constantly, you know, it's going to keep still going.

So what's that 400 minutes, 60, 120, two, 400, it's 300, 300 minutes. So 60, 120, 240, three, it's five hours. So I could record for five hours.

I don't know why I don't do that sometimes, maybe do like a weekend, really long one, where I'm just talking about nothing, nothing at all. Maybe stick my headphones on and watch telly or watch a movie and I can talk you through it. Or maybe watch a sporting event.

So I might do that. That might be something a bit different. It won't be a different podcast, it will still be let me bore you to sleep.

But just it's nice to have little different things to sort of do. I know you'd rather you'd like to hear me talking about wanting to be a bra fitter. I was 14.

14. You try and find me a heterosexual 14 year old boy who would not love to be a bra fitter as a career. You know, most it's, it's a dream job, because you get to be helping people.

It's one of those things. I think most 14 year old boys, the predominant thing in their life is they want to be of service to society. See? So there you go.

Yep. So I should go. Isn't it weird? I feel I'm sure there was something else I was going to talk about, but I forgot it.

I forgot it all about it. So as per normal, remember to be kind to yourself. Because you deserve to be happy.

Do something nice for yourself today. Lots of love. Bye.