#439 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (28th June 2020)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. I was just laughing because there's some weird sounds coming from somewhere, I don't know.

So almost sounded like someone was going to the toilet in a very echoey room. Why, why, why are bathrooms the most echoey-est rooms in the house? One room that you'd want, you'd want them to be soundproof really, wouldn't you? I remember going on a, it's a weekend away with a girlfriend I was with, well that was Andre, and no, it wasn't Andre that I went to, he was not my girlfriend. Anyway, we went to this place, it was in Kent and it was like a spa.

This was back in like 2006 time, yeah. And so we had this room, a really nice place, restaurant downstairs, hotel, massages and it was just nice, nice place. She paid for it.

And she, basically she went, we had this room, a double room, really nice, and a bathroom. She went into the bathroom and I'm listening out just to hear if I can hear some farts, because I think she's going to the toilet. So I'm listening.

I couldn't hear anything because she had the tap running. I thought, what's this? So the sound of the tap running kind of covered up the sounds of, I just realized, I just told you that I was, I wasn't standing outside the door listening through the keyhole, you know, it wasn't quite like that. I wasn't, no, I just, I just noticed that there was a sound like, and it was the the water.

Blimey, there were so many birds up in that loft. I think it must be golden eagles up there or something, or albatrosses because they're big. And here I'm like walking along upstairs.

That is strange. Anyway, hello, hello, hello, welcome. Oh, please subscribe to this if you haven't already.

There's something to do, isn't it? Go on, subscribe, go on, please. So I've got a few messages that I'll read out. Some weird sounds coming.

Where do those sounds come from? I wonder where they're coming from, but why? So I've got a few, I said I've got a few messages to read out. Saw a fox yesterday, last night. And it's, I've got so much to tell you.

I've had lots of messages asking about Andre, so thank you for that. It's nice. He seems to be okay as far as he's going, but I just took him out for a walk just now.

And I wear white gloves when I go out. They're basically part of the protection, you know. No one else I see ever wears gloves, but I'll be doing it for a couple of months now.

And, you know, they're basically, I feel like I'm like a traffic detective or, you know, with a direct in the traffic or about to do some kind of mime. But ultimately, they're the same kind of gloves that you would wear if you were handling jewelry or diamonds, you know, so that you don't leave any marks on them. They're also very good for cleaning lenses and glasses.

Perfect for that. However, so they're white. So I took Andre for a walk and we went through the field and he wanted to be picked up.

So I picked him up and my gloves were red, not all the whole red, but there was part, there was bits of red on my gloves. So I looked down and he'd scraped his foot again. So I let him get inside my jacket and I took him home or I brought him home.

So even though he's using his leg more, he's still, still dragging it. So I'll have to be a bit more careful with him because he hasn't opened up or hasn't, you know, I've been taking him out every day apart from Friday and it hasn't happened for probably about a week. And then suddenly today, but what I'm supposed to do is scratch the front door continuously.

Let me out. Let me out. That's what I'm saying.

When he's scratching the door, let me out. I don't know why. So in the end, I let him out.

I go and take him for a walk. It was raining. So it wasn't perfect conditions for that particular activity.

But anyway, it worked out all right. Apart from him damaging his foot. I mean, it's superficial damage.

He's just scraped it, but I still don't like it. You know, it's still, I mean, the old man could get infected or it's like, oh really? As it is, I can't even pay back my friend yet. £120 for the vet.

It's just those vets. My friend took her dog to the vet and she ended up paying about £800 because her dog was unwell. And the vet said, oh, she needs to stay in and be observed or something.

Then she got it back and had to take it back again. Costs an absolute fortune. So it's like, wow.

And she's the one that lent me the money to pay for Andre. £120 for the x-ray last week. And now I feel guilty.

It's like, oh, she's ended up paying over £1000 in a week on vet bills. Wow. So he better just keep himself well now.

And as far as any kind of testing or anything, it'll have to be without anaesthetic or any sedation. He can't be sedated again after his reaction. It's just not viable.

I could have lost him. And he's reacted badly to it. But because he's so wiggly and wobbly that it's hard to think.

I mean, I personally, here's what I would think is, and they can't do it. I don't know why they can't do it, why they can't get another person just to hold him down. Not hard, but just hold his body down and then just manoeuvre him, his leg to where it needs to be and take the x-ray.

Well, I'd have to put him practically to sleep to do it. But then I don't know enough about x-rays and stuff to really ask that question. But I did anyway.

And as far as having an injection to test him for any diseases and stuff, let me go in with him. I'm not allowed to go in, am I? Because I'm not allowed to be near anyone. Unless, of course, you're protesting, or celebrating a football match, or having a street party, or it's sunny and you want to go to the beach.

Other than that, but not if your pet is my son. But I could have gone in there and held him. So for him to have an injection, I could just hold him in my arms and the vet could pretty much do anything he wanted.

Inject him, take a blood test, because he stays still with me when I tell him to. Anyway, he seems to be doing what is definitely back to himself, mentally, emotionally, all that stuff. He's back on form.

He's completely back. He seems to be using his leg more than he did, but he's still dragging it. He seems to drag it more when he's out.

But that might be because I personally think he dragged himself when he's out anyway. So he might just be opening up those wounds that were already there from when he was dragging himself all the time. That might be kind of more what's happening.

Anyway, so I've got a few messages. Sausages. Where are they? Oh, by the way, Andre's got a little wishlist, Amazon wishlist.

I posted on Facebook. Yeah, I did post on Facebook a couple of days back. It was Friday.

He said, well, Daddy, if you've got one, I should have one. I said, don't work like that. He said, why not? I thought he's just going to keep asking questions.

I said, all right, you can have one. I'll do it for you. He said, no need, I've already done it.

I said, well, I'll share onto Facebook. Then he said, no need, I've already done it. He's so cheeky.

So I've got a message from Molly. And Rachel, you are special in a good way. My sleep hero.

Actually, I've got a lovely message right. She said to me, I've got myself some new headphones and last night I listened to your deep sleep whisper. I went to sleep very fast.

So that's cool. Thank You Rachel because she told me recently, well previously, that she couldn't hear it and I can relate to that because I can't, I can't really hear them either. But I know that they're kind of fairly, I don't know if popular is the word, but they listen to anyway.

It might just be complete random strangers listening to it once and that's it. Let's see what other minute, oops, wow, sorry about that. So I'm just looking to see what messages I've got.

If I've got any comments on messages. Why is it doing that? I've just turned the sound down. Right, that's annoying.

Sounds and haptics, ringers and alerts, ringtones, Facebook. Why? Facebook, location, Bluetooth. Well that's weird.

So I've got nothing on here. How do I change the settings then? Because I don't want stupid sounds. Sounds and haptics, ringtone, reflection.

Okay, I'm keeping that. Text tone, noir. Text tone, none.

Back, sent mail, none. Calendar, airdrop, keyboard clicks. So let's see if it'll work now, if I've got rid of it.

No, I don't want that. I I'll try and stop it anyway. I've got a couple of messages.

Vanessa, did you make a sleepy talk for tonight, June 26? I hope you're both okay. I wrote thanks, all recent recordings are posted on here, not sure which one was the last. 438, I don't, I'll be honest, Vanessa, I don't keep track.

I generally do them every day, but I think I didn't do any, possibly Friday and Saturday, or at least Saturday, but maybe not Friday either, because I wasn't really up to it yesterday. I am list, I'm I am needed to hear about your day and what Andre is up to. Well, Andre's naughty, very, very naughty boy.

Yes. So I've just clicked on it. So I've read it, but it's still coming up as unread.

My phone's not working properly. Bry, Bry says, hey, it's my birthday today. I was wondering if you could mention it in the podcast tonight.

I listen every night for the past few weeks, and even got some of my friends hooked. Well, hi, Bry. Is it Bry or Bree? Let me have a look at your profile.

There's a picture of a, there's no way of knowing. I'm sorry. I don't know.

How do I know? So I can't even say it. Chodzienicki, Chodzienicki. Bry or Bry? See, I would think it could be either, couldn't it? B-R-I.

Because it could be short for Brian, like a man, or could be short for Bryony, a woman. It could be short for Brianna. Brianna? Bridget.

Yeah, Bridget. Could be short for Bri, Bri. It could be short for Br, Brigadier.

It could be short for Bride. No, I don't know. Anyway, I wish you a very, very happy birthday, Bry or Bree.

Apologies for not saying the right names, the right thing. But you'll hear this anyway, if you're listening. Of course, if you're not listening, you won't.

You don't say which podcast you listen to. Okay, it is done. It is done.

Happy birthday. So I'm just going to put on there, happy birthday. And I'll do, need to do, done one today.

Done one today. I'm going to send a message to Vanessa. Done one today.

And yeah, so that's kind of it. Again, I don't, I think maybe Kerry. How are you, Andre? Hope you're well.

Now, how's little Andre? Really hope he's better. Pop and Jack say hi. One week tomorrow till they get their puppy.

What next for Andre? So Kerry, good luck with your puppy. That's exciting, isn't it? And Andre, don't know what's next for him. I'm really not sure.

I just got to, I just got to see how he is really, you know, just see what, how he is. I mean, emotionally he seems absolutely fine. He's doing everything he normally does.

And yeah, so I think if anything, it emotionally affected me way more than him. Apart from when he was sedated, because I don't think, there's a chance he didn't know anything about it. I mean, he might have just been there, just chilled out.

In all reality, you know, they might not have bothered him at all. He might have been happy. But seeing him like that was, it wasn't much fun.

So I was like looking forward to him scratching at the door and all that. And then as soon as he started scratching the door, I'm annoyed with him again. Isn't it weird? And happy birthday to anyone else that's got a birthday as well today, if you have.

And thank you for sharing Bri. Thank you for sharing my, or Bri. Thank you for sharing my podcast with your friends.

I generally don't know why anyone listens to them, but there you go. I can't figure it out really. I should, I should kind of know, shouldn't I? But I don't, I don't.

I'm really not sure. There must be some reason. There must be some reason.

There must be some reason. Sure, there's some reason why people listen. I don't know.

I think it might be because of my hairstyle, possibly. So I did a deep sleep whisper about two hours ago and I felt better afterwards because yesterday I was sad. I was in bed most of the day, being in bed most of the day today.

So making a recording and now doing this recording, I'm planning on doing a relaxation for hypnosis or relaxation hypnosis for stress and anxiety podcast episode as well before the end of the day. So that'll be nice. You know, I feel I've done something, made three recordings.

Thought there'd be four because one of them will have music as well. So two versions of that one. So it's, yeah, I kind of accomplished something for the day.

Yesterday I just, although it's not totally true because yesterday I was reading some stuff. I found a website where you can download books, a Kindle book, not Kindle books, PDF files, books for free. So I was reading a book on my iPad using a PDF reader, but there's a way that you can have the scroll, have the screen scrolling up and keep like moving it.

And I got it just at the right speed. And I read like 30, 40 pages. I was quite pleasing myself.

It's very relaxing just having all of the text just moving on its own. And all I had to do is just look at the screen. Sometimes I have my hands in my pocket.

Sometimes I'll scratch my ear, you know, various different things. It was fairly comfortable. And the speed of the screen moving was just kind of perfect for my reading.

But I would say that I read quicker when the screen is moving to how I would do normally. So it's probably going to increase my reading speed, which can only be a good thing unless it affects comprehension. But I don't think I don't think so.

Because this was actually a dissertation that I was reading. And it was about, from what I can, I've not read the whole thing yet, but from what I can see, it's a study and suggestion therapy or using metaphors and you know, stuff like that. Not using the word hypnosis for some reason.

I mean, she's referencing hypnotists and hypnotherapists and psychotherapists that use hypnosis, but she's not using the word hypnosis so far in her article, which I don't really understand because that's what it is. You know, suggestion therapy is hypnosis. I mean, hypnosis is really is a simple, if you want to break it down, a really simple thing is just talking about a subject, talking about feeling relaxed.

And I can talk about myself feeling relaxed and times in the past when I've felt relaxed. And I can go on and on about it and just talk about the different parts of my body that felt relaxed and then maybe mention how the different parts of my body that are now feeling relaxed. As I speak about previous times of feeling relaxed and, you know, kind of, and the person listening is going to become relaxed because that's the focus of the, that's the focus.

It's relaxation, you know, wrapping your mind around an idea. And if the idea stays the same and you keep going on about it and it's keep going on, hypnosis is really about just keep going on, waffling on and on and on. But by focusing on a particular idea, then the mind, the person that's listening, well, including the person that's talking, I would say, because I do, and I talk about feeling relaxed, I do end up feeling way more relaxed.

Just like when I do the sleep recordings, I feel, well, actually now, right now, I feel more relaxed than I did before, which is weird. I think probably the voice, I kind of, yeah, relax. Yeah, yeah.

If anyone hasn't ever heard me doing any hypnosis, here's an impression of me. This is what I sound like. Okay.

So, I usually start off, you know, welcome jasonnewland.com. When I go into the actual hypnosis site, so let's say it's for falling asleep. I'll say, now, I'd like you to focus on your head. Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep now.

And your eyes. Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep. Now, all the way down your spine.

Relax. I said, relax, relax now. Now, you're asleep.

Are you asleep yet? Are you asleep? Go to sleep. Go to sleep. So, that's kind of how I do the hypnosis.

That is my special hypnosis voice. And it's very effective. It's very, oh, oh, particularly effective.

Really. And I do a different kind of voice when I'm doing sort of a chronic pain. Now, we're going to focus on your feet.

Your feet are going to feel really nice. Really nice now. Yeah.

Your feet are going to feel really nice now. And as you focus on your feet, imagine them feeling better. Yeah.

So, yeah, I've got a lot of different kind of techniques. Techniques. I think one of the good things is, I've got one for self-esteem as well.

One of my relaxation, or one of my hypnosis sessions for self-esteem is to, it's self-acceptance. It was basically, it was going to be a longer session, but it ended up just being quite short. And so, I wanted people to feel better about themselves.

And I wanted to get them to get in touch with that self-love that's inside all of us. So, I was just, again, a different voice for that one. So, what was it? I said, yeah, that is going to be a relaxation session for feeling better about yourself.

Now, you may feel sorry for yourself. There are people worse off than you. There are people worse off than you.

Maybe worse off than you. Stop being such a crybaby. Little baby, little baby, little baby.

Put yourself together. Put yourself together. That's my self-esteem hypnosis recording.

That's just a clip of it. It is longer than that, but I've been saying that for years. Well, prove it then.

You said it was longer than that. We've been together three months. Anyway, when I do a sleep session, I do fall asleep a little bit.

And I've heard people do recordings. And the one thing, and maybe it's just me, I'm, by the way, I'm just, I'm wondering if some people listen to this thinking, well, that wasn't very relaxing. How are you supposed to tell them that people were worse off than him? Pull yourself together.

Pull your socks up. Don't feel sorry for yourself, little baby. That's not a way to build someone's self-esteem up.

Yeah, I know, it's joking. It's a joke. The one thing I noticed with some hypnosis recordings that I've listened to in the past is they're not always very soft or gentle, spoken wise.

And if they've got an accent, they seem to really stick to that accent. Now, I know I've got an accent, everyone has, but mine, I try and keep it quite soft. You know, I don't talk like this.

And you get me. And you know what I mean? I don't, I don't sort of say, nah, you can get yourself really relaxed. Go on, get relaxed.

What's wrong with you? Go on, relax yourself. You deserve to be happy. You know, it's a soft, gentle tone.

And I feel better when I'm talking softly. I prefer to talk softly than, but I don't always, you know, if I'm walking with my friend down the road and there's traffic going past and he's talking to me, I have to shout because I can't hear him, which is weird. I have to shout because I can't hear him.

And I have to shout that I can't hear him because he's partly deaf. So he can't hear me if I just talk. But then I can't hear myself if I just talk, if there's a lot of traffic.

I have this thing where it's not done easily distracted, although it might be. It's if there's another sound going on. So for example, if I had someone, if I had the TV on, I know I wouldn't make a recording with a television volume on.

But if I did, I wouldn't be able to focus on making a recording or just someone talking, or sometimes when Andre's scratching at the front door to get out or running around or doing stuff here, it does distract me. I'll be honest, it does. But I include him in the recording.

So it's then it's okay because he is, let's face it, he's the star of the show when he's in it, isn't he? But if there was someone, let's say I had someone in the kitchen talking to someone, even though they were in a different room, I wouldn't be able to focus because I want to hear what they were saying. Hey, talking about me. So yeah, I like to, it might be partly because of my hearing isn't, I don't know, because I was, I don't know if I was born with a hearing issue or it developed at a very early age.

I don't know. But I was sort of partially deaf in one ear, quite a lot. And I had to have an operation when I was eight years old, I think, seven or eight.

And the still, you know, my left ear works way better than my right ear. I mean, the volume is pretty much, I'd say a third if not twice as twice as a third, three quarters more. I mean, three quarters, if not twice as much as the right one.

But I put that down to me listening, because I have to actually focus on someone to hear what they're saying. So it gives the impression to the other person that I'm actually listening to them. So I think I come across as being quite attentive, but maybe I am actually listening as well.

So, but it's, if I'm in a crowded room or a party, I don't go to parties, but I did go to, well, I did go to a birthday party, my stepmum's birthday last summer. And focusing on just one person, it's difficult. When I was younger, a younger man, when I still had hormones, before my, before the menopause, I used to, I was amazed at how often I'd be in a party, like a nightclub, comedy club party or something.

And I'd have a man talking to me. And all I wanted to do was go and talk to a woman. It was a party, it wasn't just a normal situation, like, come on, at least doing a party.

I want to, if I'm going to meet someone new, I want it to be a female. I prefer talking to women anyway, generally. I don't know why, I just always have.

I think, I think I'm very female, I think. I do, I think I've a, I would say I've probably got more female hormones than the average man, not physical hormones, I do have boobies now. So I'm probably at least, at least a C cup, I'd say.

But I don't mean like in a physical way, but I think mentally, I think, I think, just going on the choices I've made, the kind of stuff I've done, like counselling. Yeah, men do it, but predominantly, and it's not sexist or generalising, predominantly females become counsellors. I'm talking about therapeutic counsellors, not political counsellors.

That's a fact, it's not an opinion, it's a fact. Trust me, I've done, I've done my data, I've done my, you know, I know my stuff with that. And there's lots of different reasons why that is, and I won't bore you with all the different possible reasons, lots of which I don't even know myself, because it's going to be personal to each person.

But the theory behind why why things like alternative therapies, and you could say counselling could even be classed as in that range, it's definitely therapies. But a lot of people don't believe in counselling any more than they believe in aromatherapy or Reiki. They class it all as the same category, alternative therapy.

Even though counselling has been around for, well, Reiki and acupuncture has been around longer than psychology, hasn't it? It's been around for thousands of years. I'd like to learn acupuncture, actually. Anyway, yeah, I just realised.

And I think the theory behind it is that with alternative therapy, women, it's a generalisation, because I've met plenty of women that this would not apply to. But women generally have much more open minded, are more open minded to that kind of stuff. But loads of men are, and let's face it, anyone that's listening to this, is in the category of being open minded.

So, you know, just remember that I'm not putting down anyone. It's anyone that listens to my stuff, you've got to be, I can't listen to me, you've got to be open minded. Some of the rubbish I've come out with.

So it's also not taking yourself too seriously. I think that helps. And I think that depends on the individual person.

I think it's hard to generalise on that one. But I would say, from my own experience, my learning on how to be a man has been from men. And men don't teach each other generally to be gentle.

You know, I've worked in lots of places. And that's how I've learned from men is in working in a working environment. I've worked in lots of factories, lots of really rough places.

Not rough, not really bad, but, you know, working class, hard jobs, where the people are, well, some of the people were kind of in their 50s and 60s, when I was in my 20s. So they were at my dad's era, you know, post war, baby boomers or whatever. And some of them grew up playing on bomb sites, you know, in London, because that's where I was living.

So they had a very different upbringing, different outlook. A lot of them would have lost relatives, you know, because of the poverty, because of the various different illnesses of going around back then. And also the bad outside toilet.

Also, they had outside toilets. I can't believe I'm just like connecting those two things together. I'm not saying it's, you know, there were lost people really close to them, and they had outside toilets.

And what I'm saying is the I'm not connecting that I'm saying that they didn't have the comfort that I've had growing up. Oh, well, yeah, now anyway, but yes, as you know, someone growing up in the 70s had toilets, generally, I would say. Not everyone, some people might have grown up in a house, a council house that didn't have an inside toilet, that is possible.

But generally, you know, 80s, 90s, 2000s, we've had inside toilets. And I don't know, it means a lot. Personally, I've been in outside toilets before.

I don't mean cottaging. I mean, you know, I've been in places where there was an outside toilet. And there was someone in a toilet inside, so I went to the outside one.

In fact, when I moved into my house, not my house, but my dad's, when he got the big house that we all lived in, because it was a big family, four kids and two adults and a goldfish. So when we moved in there, there was an outside toilet. So because there were so many of us, even though there was three toilets inside, two toilets, one bathroom with a toilet in, sometimes they'd still be all used up because there was so many of us, six.

So if four people needed to do a poo at the same time, or a wee-wee, or, you know, do whatever else needs to be done in the toilet, I might have to go into the outside toilet. Yeah, I didn't like it. In fact, there was also a toilet there when I lived.

Yeah, no, that wasn't a toilet, that was a bush. Yeah. So yeah, oh God, did I ever tell you? This is totally true.

I've mentioned this before, but I've done so many of these, I couldn't tell you what it was. I was with my friend Dean in my bedroom with my telescope, probably 5.30, quarter to six, on a winter's evening, it was pitch black out, well, it was dark outside, and got my telescope. Suddenly, I see a spaceship out the window.

It doesn't want to be inside the bedroom, is it? It's a spaceship. No, it's me. It's just Dean.

No, it's me. I'm standing there. Well, take the Christmas lights off your head then.

Oh, okay. And I saw this light, and I was like, wow, it's a spaceship. It was in the garden, the bottom of the garden.

What's the chances? What's the chances of that? What's the chances of getting a telescope and then pointing it into the back or into your garden and seeing a spaceship land? I don't know what the odds are. But it was real, it really happened. It's like, wow, all these lights.

And I was telling everyone, oh, yeah, yeah, okay. No one believed me. And then we were downstairs having our dinner, and I was talking about it.

And my dad said, are none of you going to tell him? And I thought, wow, are we aliens? What planet did we come from? That's what I was thinking. And, or it might have been, oh, God, carrots. Why do we have to keep having carrots? But that might have been something else I thought.

But anyway, I think at the time, it's a possibility that I was thinking, wow, we are extraterrestrials. And they all started laughing. Could they read my mind? Maybe that's part of the thing.

Maybe we're Martians, we could all read each other's minds. But why can't I read their minds? Oh, maybe I am an earthling. So I actually am an alien.

And they're not, I am. And maybe we're not on earth. Wow.

And my dad said, Jason, I think he said, son, I don't think he bothered learning any of us, any of our names. He used to call me son. Still does.

Doesn't know my name. He sends a birthday card. He said, son, with the address, of course, you know, just put in son and put it in the postbox.

That's not going to get him anything. No. And he said, Jason, come with me.

I thought, oh. And I thought, ah. Because I felt much more relaxed the further I was getting away from those carrots on that plate.

The carrots, I could feel that. I was just calming down the further I was getting away from them. And he took me out into the garden.

And he said, do you see that? I said, yeah. He said, it's a factory. At the bottom of the garden, it's a factory.

You see those things up there? I said, not really. So he shone a torch. They're the lights.

They're the windows. That's turned off now because they've all gone home. I said, okay.

He said, they only come on, they have the lights on inside the factory, but those lights only come on at night because part of the car park, the system that's at the front, you know, can't see it here. And it will come on about five o'clock or 5.30 or something. I said, yeah.

He said, do you understand what I'm saying? I said, yeah, I think the spaceship was visiting the factory. He said, no, no, that's not it. I said, did the factory build the spaceship? He said, no.

I said, has the spaceship turned into the factory? He said, that's the one. That's the one. Yep.

You're right. That's what's happened. Let's go back and eat.

I said, no, no. Can I have a few more guesses? He said, no, you got it right. I said, no.

He said, is it because of the carrots? I said, yeah. He said, yeah, no, I don't like the carrots either. I mean, is it the color of the carrots? Is that what gets you? I said, well, it is a bit of a weird color, isn't it? It's a weird orange.

It just doesn't, I don't think something of that color should be going into my mouth. He said, well, I don't like the taste of them, but I didn't, I'd already thought about it like that way, really. I said, what do you mean like that way? My dad looked at me and said, don't start correcting my grammar.

Otherwise, I'll start looking at your homework and seeing what results again. I said to him, oh, the full, you know, the tricks on you, because I don't do any homework. And he said, what? I said, no, I don't do any.

He said, why not? I said, well, I'm going to work in a chip shop when I leave school. And then I'm going to work in lots of factories. I'm then going to be a security guard.

And yeah, I'm not going to do any kind of work that takes any kind of brain power, really. I'm not going to need to know anything. The only thing I'm going to need to know is how to get about, you know, how to use public transport, which I can figure out.

And other than that, I don't really see the point of being educated. He said, it's not about. I said, yeah.

He said, you have to go to school. I said, yeah, I know. And God told me that, I know, I'm there.

He said, well, if you have to go to school, why don't you make an effort? I said, I can't be bothered. He said, but you might. You know, if you get your exams, then you can, you know, perhaps get a decent job, you know, a good job with career prospects, that kind of stuff.

I said, well, you mean like you? Oh, I shouldn't have said that. He said, what do you mean? He said, well, you never went to college, did you? He said, no, but I'm an electrician. I did an apprenticeship for three years or four years.

I said, oh, I forgot. He said, what do you think I do? I said, I don't know. So you see me go, I drive out in the van every morning at 7.30 and I don't come home until 6.30. What do you think I'm doing all day? I thought you might be fishing off the pier.

What? I don't know. I don't know what you do. I'm at school, am I? I mean, I just figured you did what I do.

When I go to school, I just sit there and just pretend, pretend it's not happening, pretend, you know, imagine other things. So that's what you do when you're at school? Yeah. Why don't you just learn something? Why don't you listen to what the teacher's saying? Well, I have to sometimes.

What do you mean? Well, when they're shouting at me, I've got no choice. Shouting at me to stop doing what I'm doing and to go to the toilet. Would you do that in your own house? Well, yeah, I would.

I love that. Would you do that in your own home? Yep. Can't win them, can they? Yeah.

Nice school. I do feel a little bit like I've missed out, though, because sometimes I'll have conversations. I've got a friend that's really good at annoying me.

He's really good at, he knows all this stuff like geography and where things are, names of animals, names of animals and, you know, three times table. He just knows stuff. I know stuff, but what I know is important, I think.

I've always found that I don't know how good my general knowledge is. I do know some stuff. I know stuff about boxing.

I know stuff about, I've got memories of stuff that's happened in the past, news stories. I do follow the news. I follow the current events.

I know about hypnosis. I know about psychotherapy. I know about, um, I do know a fair bit about Buddhism as well.

What else do I know about? I know about how to be lazy. Sitting on me bum all day. Sitting on me bum all day.

I know how to be lazy. Sucking on me thumb all day. Sucking on me bum all day.

Sitting on me thumb all day. I'm going to start to eat at some point. It's always a good goal, isn't it, in life? I know what I'm going to do.

I'm going to treat myself to some food. Yeah, food, I tell you, food. I bought some potatoes the other day.

I actually had some. I think I've eaten, no, yeah, only once though. I think I've only cooked potatoes once because I use a sauce but I've not washed it up yet.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know what else, what have I been eating then? Because that were Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Wow.

Oh, I've got sandwiches though. Yeah, I don't need to cook. I can have a toasted sandwich, cheese or something like that.

Can you hear that in the background, like a motorbike? Oh, I think they must care. Oh, that's a proper prostate massage, isn't it? Being on one of those motorbikes, if you're a man or a woman, I mean, prostates. Isn't it? I don't know.

But the vibrations, I remember I got a lift from someone years ago. Everything's years ago, but this was really probably 1988. And yeah, yeah, yeah, I think it was.

I think it was, I just turned 18 and I got a job in a meter factory. And in all fairness, it was one of the best jobs I ever had. But it's, I just didn't like it.

But, you know, as far as payment, got paid way more than ever before, loads of overtime, very easy job. And packing meters, making boxes and that was it really. And yeah, it was a good, I got on with most of the people I worked with.

Loading up lorries, unloading lorries, you know, it's a good job. But I think it was the shifts, I didn't like the shifts. Just like the alternate one day start, one week starting at six, next week starting at two.

They didn't have a night shift, not in my department anyway, they did in the factory. But I could do the two to 10, I could do two to 10, you know, every week forever. But six in the morning, I used to just, oh, I didn't like it.

And I think the only problem with that is two to 10, I didn't really get asked to do overtime much. Because sometimes I'd work till 12. Because I didn't live far away, so it wasn't really an issue.

But if I did six or two, quite often they'd ask, oh, can you stay till six? Or do you want to stay till 10? You know, you can do an extra shift. And I would. Or, you know, used to get quite often Saturday shifts as well, sometimes Sundays.

But I went, it's really weird, because I went from having practically no money. So that's kind of how I am now really, but no money coming in. Before that, and then I got that job.

I'd just been evicted from where I was living. Didn't have a job. Wasn't on benefits, I just, I think I had a part time cleaning job just to get by.

And then I got this, this job in this factory, and I was earning more money than I needed. I always had more money. And literally, I'd be walking around the town thinking, what can I spend money on? But then I was living in a little room.

So what I could have done was got myself a flat, rented a flat out, had a, you know, a decent kind of lifestyle, I suppose, but I didn't, just didn't really, really even consider it. So I used to end up buying stuff I didn't even need. Just complete junk.

Very weird, very strange times. Strange times, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know how much I was earning. I had this weird idea that I was taking around about 550 pound a month, which I know is not a lot of money, but back then, it wasn't a lot of money back then either, but it was still, it was definitely above average wage, if you know what I mean. It was above average hourly pay.

Because they were good payers. They were good, it was a good company. Really good company.

One of the best I ever worked for. And they did things properly. It was a really proper company, but that actually worked for them a long time before me as an electrician.

And so I, you know, I think the next year when I went back, I was earning about 700, you know, I was sort of taking out about 750 a month, which means, which is weird because I went from that, it's totally true, I went from that to then working and taking out about 100 pound a month, 100 pound a week in 1991. So from earning 700, 800 pound a month to earning 400 pound a month. How ridiculous.

And I was living in a place that was more expensive to live in. Yeah. Those were the good old days.

That's just because I wanted to do the stand up. So that's why I moved to London. If I had stayed where I was, I'd have been earning, well, any job I had would have been earning more than that.

100 pound a week just wasn't enough for anything. Although my rent was 40 pound a week, I think it was. And then I had electric to pay on top of that.

So during the winter, that was probably about 10, 15 pound a week. You see, I used to go down and then I had food because there was no supermarkets really near me. It was all from the corner shop and that was expensive.

And that was it. Kind of every week, the money would be gone. Then the next week I'd get paid.

If I did overtime, I could take home about 120. I did a Saturday. So that was pretty groovy.

It's very exciting that was. Yeah. I'd also go paying to travel to all the different comedy clubs.

That was taking a fair bit of money as well. And yeah, yeah. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Mmm. Mmm.

I should go. There's enough mmms from me for today. So thank you very much for your messages and comments.

Happy birthday. And for those birthdays it be. And I will probably be back tomorrow.

Andre sends his love. So remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy and do something nice for yourself today. Lots of love.

Bye.