#409 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (25th May 2020)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You Tiffly. Please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes. Now, I am actually trying something new today.

So, I've talked in the past about transcribing my recordings and I've attempted to do it various different ways. So, I'm trying another way now. So, as I am talking to you, recording this, I'm also transcribing it on the iPad at the same time using Dragon software or Dragon dictation, something like that.

And it seems to be working and I've got no idea. It's a little bit distracting if I'm honest. But I've set it up quite well because it wouldn't work on my phone but it's working on the iPad.

And I've set it up so that the words are big and there's big spaces between the sentences which means it'll make it a lot easier to edit. Because at the moment it's just going to be one big long sentence without any full stops or commas or paragraphs or anything like that. So, yeah.

So, there we are. Unless I keep saying full stop. And it does do a full stop.

But it doesn't say, it's quite weird, but it doesn't say on the screen there it does a full stop. It says and it does and then there's a full stop. Anyway, I'll stop saying this.

Oh man, it's weird. I did a recording earlier. By the way, I hope you're all well.

And I was going to have a drink. I haven't had alcohol for absolutely ages. And I promised myself that when this lockdown stuff and when this lockdown stuff is done.

Sorry about that thingy. So, now I'm having bleeps. The iPad is bleeping at me, which is lovely.

Thank you. It's hard work. This is doing all these things, all different things at the same time.

All this equipment just to make a blimming podcast. And I was saying something, but I got distracted. But anyway, I made a recording earlier and it was a relaxation for stress podcast one.

And I was going to talk about catastrophizing. And this was about 7 o'clock, 6 o'clock. Yeah, about 7 o'clock in the evening, but it's still light outside.

So about 28 minutes into it and suddenly bang, bang, bang. And it was one of the neighbours was shouting and screaming and banging something. And I just stopped the recording.

I paused. And then I just didn't know because this particular neighbour might just keep going for hours sometimes. So I just abandoned it really.

Which just really, I don't know, wound me up a little bit to do half an hour and then not be able to use it because it wasn't a relaxation session. It was talking about catastrophizing and, you know, in the tech context of panic and anxiety and, you know, stuff like that. But today, generally, I know it's a different day now, but yesterday, Sunday, I had a very relaxing day.

I spent most of the day just lazing. A lot of it in bed, but just not for any reason other than I just, I was listening to audios, listening to recordings, not mine. I'm not that sad that I want to listen to myself.

There's nothing wrong with other people listening to me, but that'd be a little bit. Can you imagine if I'm sitting here all day listening to my own voice? Wow. Yeah, it was me.

I was listening to me. I was listening to myself. It's the only way I can learn.

I'm just going to get my phone. I was like, how much technology can one podcast require? The phone's more for any messages that I might have had that I can read out. But I haven't had any messages today.

I had a personal message, Facebook, but not one that I can read out. What it is, it's just, it was, well, I'll read the message. I won't say who it's from.

Let me have a look. Let me see. So now the iPad is cut out.

So let me see. I had a message. This is a, what's it, a five-star review on my website.

Okay. Here's what it says. The headline is internal and the message was optimization.

What the heck's that about? I don't get it. I mean, clearly it's spam, but for what purpose? I got another one. This is from Steve French and it says impressive site.

And I'm thinking, oh, that's nice. No doubt your clients appreciate your services and the time invested in your digital presence. I thought, this isn't very personal, is it? Hmm.

And then it says, well, do you want me to read you out what it says on the iPad as I spoke there? I read, people listen to me. The happy little bit while here was me, I was listening to me cast required the phones more firmly, any messages that I had to duck and read out by Natalie messages today. I had a nurses and well, do you are a joy to read you out? What is says on the iPhone or iPad as I spoke there, it will read a people listen to me.

The happy little bit while here was me. Really? What was that all about? That was like nothing that I actually said, was it? It's almost like the app is doing something on its own. And I don't know what, I think there might be some kind of verbal control that I said by accident because now it's working fine.

It seems to only work when I look at the screen, but I don't want to look at the screen because it's distracting. Maybe I should just give up the whole transcribing thing. I mean, I've canceled the app anyway, the dragon app.

So it runs out in about three weeks or two weeks, but I thought I'd give it another go because I can still use it in the meantime. There's something like 1099 a month. And so I paid that for the first month.

I've used it before. It's generally kind of quite good, but I think part of the problem is that I talk for too long and the app, laptop, the iPad, the phone, whatever I'm using just gets bored. I think they just get bored listening and they stop recording.

You know, I'm surprised. That's why I've stuck with Spreaker because their recorder seems to put up with me. It tolerates my boring voice, which is everything nice.

So yeah. Oh, I've got a Google alerts here. What does this say? How can hypnotherapy help me during menopause? Blimey.

Here's one. Here's one. This is this is themirror.co.uk. Okay.

I'm going to click on this to see what it says. The headline is this. I give orgasms to 5,000 women a day, but I don't touch any of them.

How can I not look at that? I need to have a look, see what that was about. Okay. There's probably people listening to this thinking, just get on with it.

What's his name? How can I contact him? Hypnotist Devlin Wilde used to help people achieve goals. Now his erotic audio promises women the most intense organisms of their life just using his voice. Okay.

There's a picture. There's a generic picture of a lady laying down. It's in black and white.

And I don't know why. Okay. So, trained hypnotist Devlin Wilde, or Wilde, it's W-I-L-D-E.

Yes, that's his real name. And I've spelled it out so you can all search for him. I'll be losing a lot of people tonight and you're going to be leaving me for him.

Where's your... You know, that's just wrong. Why would you leave me for him? He's 49 years old. It's not a bad age.

Promises women the most intense organisms of their life using just his voice. I find the tongue better. So, in his own words, when he tells his story, he tells a story.

If you told me 10 years ago, I'd be giving 5,000 women a day an orgasm, I would have laughed. But that's what I do. From the studio at the bottom of my garden, people pay me to experience climaxes, but I never lay a finger on anyone.

They're just listening to my voice. I qualified as an NLP instructor in 1988. Well, that's a long time ago.

I trained in 1999. Wow. And have been a trained hypnotist for 20 years, originally helping motivate business people to achieve their goals.

It's only in the last five years that I've focused on making erotic audio, and it's the best job in the world. Is that it? Oh, I know this one. Um, well, together, we... what on earth? Okay.

Ironically, this is it. Ironically, it was after my girlfriend left me that I turned my attention to this line of work. There's so many adverts between the texts.

Oh, that bathed in lust, an experiential erotic story, Devlin Wild. One of Devlin Wild's popular audio books is about being seduced at the beach. This is giving me some ideas, folks.

I think I'm going down the beach to see if I can get seduced. Well, together, we'd enjoy reading erotic fiction as part of a healthy sex life. She liked me reading saucy extracts, but as a dyslexic, it came more naturally to tell my own stories.

However, it got to the stage where me speaking sexily to her dominated the whole relationship. She was clearing up the kitchen table once and... I honestly don't know where this is going, but, um, I just didn't expect that sentence to be in this, um, um, you know, she was clearing up the kitchen table once. Didn't just... I don't know why that's funny.

She was clearing up the kitchen table once and just while listening to a mundane voice message, I'd left her had a full organism. I know that sounds funny. We might think lucky her, but she said it was a problem.

She said it was a problem because she no longer had control of her own body. She said I could read a weather report and it will trigger a climax. We broke up, but afterwards I thought, can I take advantage of this unusual gift I have? Okay, let's read that back.

She said I could read the weather report and it would trigger. Really? Let's try that. Let's try this everyone.

Okay, I'm going to go out of this one. So let me have a look. So let's have a look.

So let's have a look at the weather report. So let's see if this works for you. Dry evening, sunshine, chilly overnight, warm, sunny spells tomorrow, this evening and tonight.

It will be a dry evening. I'm just starting to get wet. So very wet.

So it will be a dry evening and night with some late evening sunshine, then clear spells for most overnight. Winds will fall light. So feeling rather chilly by dawn, minimum temperature six degrees centigrade.

It's a Monday, dry, warm and often sunny during the day after a rather chilly start. Mainly light, light southwesterly winds, but with cooling coastal breezes. Dry with clear spells overnight.

Maximum temperature is 23 degrees centigrade. Outlook for Tuesday to Thursday. Dry.

So I think saying the word dry too often is going to be useful. But dry, often sunny and warm with variable cloud. But cooler near coasts where sea breezes develop.

Brisk easterly winds developing on Thursday. See, I'm not sure about that. So anyway, so what he did is he, I made up my own story.

Learn Me on my iPhone. I put it on YouTube in 2014 to see what the reaction was. I used some NLP skills and some hypnosis and set them to a filthy story about being seduced at the beach.

Well, with no promotion at all, it soon got 10,000 hits. I was buzzing. Sure it wasn't the vibrator.

The feedback was amazing. Women telling me how intense their orgasms was. I started, I started creaming, creating more stories and putting them on other platforms like SoundCloud, Mixcloud and Pornhub.

After three months, I invested in equipment and soundproofing, turning my garden office into a proper studio. I feel like I'm not mocking him, but I'm just messing around because I'm kind of doing this, except my shed's in my bedroom. As demand for my erotic audio recordings increased, I began charging for it.

I did less corporate work. Okay. For the past year, my income has been solely from erotic audio.

I don't wish to disclose how much I am, but it's enough for me to live comfortably. Wow. Speed of lust.

It's got a lot of story. Blimey. Now I've created 24 books with many more in the pipeline.

Some are available on Amazon audio books. Others are only available on my website. The most popular downloaded by 300,000 is a fantasy about oral sex.

Most men would like to be good at giving this. Most? Why? Speak for yourself, mate. But they're probably not.

Well, no. In real life, I know I can give a woman an organism which lasts for a whole hour and I hope this translates in my audios. In real life, I know I can give them.

What? For a whole hour. Blimey. I feel like inviting them around here.

Since the lockdown, I've seen a spike in traffic to my website. If you're not able to get out and socialise, then why not improve your sex life at home? I encourage subscribers and the UK monthly subscription is £6.48. That's a random number, isn't it? £6.48. For bespoke stories, it costs around £400. I charge £80 for 10 minutes, but typically they run 30 to 50 minutes long.

£240 to £400. Wow. I think I'm in the wrong game.

Customers aren't, this has stopped being funny now. This is like, what? People really pay £400 for a personalised recording. In the past, I've kind of looked into personalised recordings and people wouldn't even want to pay £30.

I didn't think there was any generous people out there that would want to pay that much money. £400. I've done that with women in the past.

I'm not going to go into details. I've charged them £400. Didn't give them any organisms though.

Customers are loyal because let's face it, amazing organisms are addictive. Addictive. Half these customers are men.

Huh? Oh, gifting their partners their unique desires. Wow. Well, this is interesting.

It's a safe way to try a threesome or experiment with something like BED, BSDM, SDBDEDM, which you might not feel brave enough to try in real life. My goodness, this is like the biggest advert you could, I mean, come on, this is like a massive, a lot of writing here. And this is in a national paper.

So I don't know how he managed to get in a paper like this. Yeah, I do this. Maybe I should try and get into the mirror group.

I don't offer organisms, but I can, you know, I can't make anything, I can make things floppy by relaxing you. Group sex scenarios are also popular and not just with human. Oh, I think the, I have to, I have to, um, bong the wrong gong.

But fantastical things like werewolves and even an octopus too, which I wouldn't have anticipated. I don't judge. All sorts of things turn people on.

True. Octopus. Hmm.

One woman asked me to, one woman asked me to create a fantasy about her doing something. See, I'm not using the naughty words. With a cucumber, which she then served in sandwiches to her girlfriends.

Ah, see, I suppose, because it's a fantasy. Fantasy is part of the good thing about fantasies, I suppose, is because you don't have to do them, but you can enjoy it because the imagination's as good as actually doing it, I guess. I never laugh about anything.

What you should do, mate, especially with what you do for a living. That would be disrespectful. I never laugh about anything.

That would be disrespectful to people who share their deepest desires with me. I thought he was going to say that would be disrespectful to the people eating the sandwiches. It's a privilege to have their trust.

Respect for women is hugely important to me. Every woman deserves mind-blowing organisms. It's so rewarding when someone writes to me and says, I'm 43.

I've been married for 15 years, but you gave me my first climax. Oh, the biggest blockage to achieving climax is normally stress and not fully letting go. I invite people to tune into what turns them on and let their imagination run wild.

Like a big, hairy caterpillar. No, I added that because it's just them listening to me in their headphones. Erotic audio feels an intimate experience.

Bloody, it's still going on. I have to have a drink. My tongue's getting dry.

I'm getting very, I'm feeling all a bit awkward. I'm feeling anyhow. I am feeling anyhow.

That's what my name used to say. I'm feeling any old way. I'm feeling anyhow, which kind of meant she just felt a bit.

Women feel relaxed in their own bedrooms, a safe place to get aroused. Unlike traditional prom, women don't compare how they look or perform when using it. Of course, I can get turned on when making stories.

It would be a bad sign if I didn't. I'm told I have a nice voice, which is funny because as a kid growing up in Dorset, I sounded like Words of Gummidge. Those people who don't know what Words of Gummidge, who he is, it's a children's character from the early 80s, maybe late 70s.

And he's like, oh, I don't say. Yeah. So basically, what it would be was, well, I like, I try to fit the voice.

I'll do that on Sunday. That's right. Yes.

So now I'd like you to relax. Yeah, that's right. Well, I can't do a good impression, but looks wise, I'm only a five out of 10.

But I would describe myself as a generous lover with a high. What's up? Blimey, this is like, there couldn't be a better advert, could they? Wow, listen to this. So looks wise, I'm only a five out of 10.

But I would describe myself as a generous lover. And with a high libido. With a high libido.

Yeah. I don't like my photo published, because it spoils the illusion. And I've had problems with stalkers.

Yeah, I can relate to that a little bit. One woman flew over from Canada, unprompted, saying, I must sleep with her. There's someone knocking on your door.

Yeah, hello. You must sleep with me now. But I don't want to.

But I've travelled all the way from Canada. Okay. Okay.

Wow. So one woman flew over from Canada, unprompted, saying I must sleep with her now. Mind you, it's a long trip, isn't it? You'll probably be tired.

Another friend to harm my rescue. Really? That's a weird thing. I'm not laughing at the thing, just laughing at this.

And I've lost it now. Where did it say? Another threatened to harm my rescue dogs if I didn't have sex with her. Blimey.

I mean, that's not funny. But just it just the way it was just worded like how about you? If you don't, if you don't do this, I'm gonna I'm holding it. Oh, weird.

Although I am single currently, I get offered a lot of sex. I never sleep with a client. It's unprofessional.

I have never been unfaithful, though girlfriends do get jealous of my career choice. After all, thousands of women a day are organismening by listening to me. It's normal to be threatened by that.

I think I think I need to change my career. Well, if I had a career, you know, when I am dating someone still going on, when I'm dating someone, I will happily talk dirty to her if she wants me to. But not every night.

He's drawing the line. Not every night. That's my job.

You wouldn't say that to me if I was a bricklayer, would you? You wouldn't want me building bricks in the bedroom every night building walls. And Donald Trump might actually likes walls, doesn't he? When I'm there, I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking about it, writing and recording filthy stories all day.

I don't want to take my work to bed. I don't want to take I don't want to take my work to bed with me. I mean, it's understandable.

I mean, blimey. And my job is unusual, he says right at the end of the article, but I enjoy it immensely. It's hugely rewarding.

And I'm always thinking of new ways to give women pleasure. What more could a man ask for? Receiving pleasure? How does Devlin give you organisms with his voice? So here we go. This is the this is the bullet points to how it works.

Ready? Are you? I'm giving up on this whole transcription thing. Absolutely ridiculous. It started to record in the middle of the recorded already.

It doesn't work. So how does Devlin give you organisms with his voice? Here we go. Listeners should be alone.

So no laying down in the supermarket with around 40 minutes of uninterrupted time to themselves. And are encouraged to lie in a bed. Ideally naked and use headphones for the most intimate experience.

Some women have powerful organisms completely hands free. So it's a Bluetooth really isn't a Bluetooth organism. Others use the audio as a guided tool.

Whatever works for you, the emphasis is it's your body and it's your subconscious will do what is perfect for you. This is going on for I can't believe I'm spending the whole recording talking about this. Each story has a slowly built up introduction to encourage listeners to fully relax.

A simple story unfolds using gently suggestive imagery. Examples rose petals opening, glistening, opening of forests. Like a big crowd of people like cutting a ribbon.

Those forests are now officially open. Oh, that was so erotic. The language eventually becomes more sexually explicit.

Hypnosis techniques are employed. So while you're in a trance like state, at no point could you not be woken should you need to be. Rather a bit weird for the person, you know, suddenly having someone shaking them.

Mom, is it dinner time yet? And some women will experience several organisms while others take several listens before achieving one. Others might find it simply aids sleep and relaxation. You can get that with me.

Alright, okay, I'm gonna that's the end of it. I'm going to read what the comments say. There's 19 comments.

This is cool. I'm sure you are making a lot of peeps happy. I'll call you when my partner is not doing the job any longer.

And no one says. But sounds to me like this guy needs help because he is having delusions. Or his head is just so far up his A R apostrophe E. And then gossip bug, nothing like that.

I guess you're pretty pretty ignorant what hypnosis can accomplish. Well, no problem. No need to inform yourself until you need it for health reasons.

But until then, it would be respectful that you stop venting your profane pov against someone who don't probably know. Id Jones 1975 says, it's what works for the individual and whatever turns them on. Bridge Jack says, didn't see that one coming.

Bryson says, I have to settle for giving just one woman multiple ones most nights. Yeah, sure. Isis says, only 5000.

What? I've got no idea. It's a religious thing. Big Bob 48 says, all these women asking for services, which apparently he declines.

I don't mind volunteering if he needs help. AE Collector says, finally, they can stop whinging. A lot of positive stuff.

I was at Eve seven. Lovely. Just glad I'm not one of the women's girlfriends.

And I like cheese and pickle. Gerard 1D says, crimbo press and sorted. She can put it on when I'm when I'm at footy.

Win win. It's pretty good. Louise 870.

Oh, she was angry. A sad tea, something, something tea. Who's so full of himself.

AE Collector replies to her saying, frustrated housewife are you? Get a job, you'll be happier. Oh, what? What? I don't know. So this Tosh talker says, I've been having 5000 organisms a day since lockdown.

So the comments weren't very good. Wow. Um, I don't know what to say about that, really.

Perhaps I should look into it. I mean, I probably, I, I don't know. I think I should perhaps move on.

There's probably someone listening. Yeah, perhaps you should move on. This is not what we're paying nothing for.

We're not listening to, I'm not listening for free to you. Um, have a good chat. Oh, Jen says, are you, try Jason, very cute pic of Andre tonight.

Will you be doing another whisper podcast tonight at all? Um, dunno. She's got a picture of Ferret, but it's a girl Ferret. It's such a really pretty little face.

I mean, Andre's pretty, but he's a boy. That's definitely a little girl. You can tell even, even, even girl animals are pretty.

I saw these little monkeys, um, on, I think it was a program, Earth from Space or something. And they were, they were finding, they were like looking at, you know, species that they'd not found before and stuff that was really rare. And these monkeys, honestly, it looked like they had makeup on.

So cute. Really cute. So yeah.

So yeah, I'm going to start a new, uh, a new service. Organisms. Blimey.

I, um, I don't know. I don't know what to say about that. It's, uh, I just can't believe that the, I mean, the amount of writing that was in that article, if that's in the actual paper, that's a lot of stuff.

There's a lot of stuff they've written, but then let's face it. What else are they going to write about at the moment? It's like one subject, isn't it? So this might be an opportunity for me to be in the paper, but I'd only write something bad about me and make me look bad. That's what newspapers seem to do for some reason.

Not always. I've been, I've been in a paper twice and one national paper, the independent in 1993, I think it was. And then I was in the, like a local paper in 2006.

The one in 2006 was about the hypnosis, free pain relief service that I did, that I offered locally. And that was a lovely, that was a nice article. But the was like, oh, I was bored and really awful.

And I was going through a phase of wearing white, like white trousers. What's that about? Really? I mean, I just, I don't know. I can't, I can't give you an answer for that.

Just seems wrong, doesn't it? Just seems wrong. It's wrong, man. So the, the independent was, I've talked about this before.

Basically, it was during my comedy days. And they just really messed things up for me because I was just getting to the point where I was, I don't want to say they had any respect, but I was starting to do okay. You know, getting some paid gigs and being, I was just getting better at the job.

Well, not the job, but getting better at the skill of doing it. And then this newspaper came along and said, oh, I really like you. We're doing an interview.

Can we come to your next gig? I said, yeah, go on. And then they, even though they don't say anything bad about me, they interviewed me and some other person at the same time, and they slag him off with the title, meet Britain's worst comedian. But there's a picture of me, but they're not talking about me.

In the article, they talk about me, but they're saying, oh, what he's saying is horrible, but the audience are laughing and so am I. That's what they said about me. But there's a picture of me there smoking a cigarette with a ponytail, black and white picture. I suppose it'd be quite iconic if I ever got famous.

But you know what? I was a laughing stock. You just say, well, that's a good start. That's a good thing if you're doing comedy, but no, the comedians, the comedy club people, the runners, owners of the comedy clubs and stuff.

I was just honestly completely humiliated by the whole thing. And then the BBC phoned up the comedy club that I went to regularly, trying to get a hold of me. And my friend Noel, he was so excited for me.

He said, the BBC have been trying to get a hold of you. Here's a number, call them. So here's me thinking.

And this is the day, the day after the newspaper, or maybe the same day. So I hadn't had the fallout yet at this point. And I thought, oh, I'm going to get a TV show.

This is my big break. That's what I really thought. I read the article, but I had the delusion of thinking, well, other people are going to know that the paper is talking about the other person, not about me, because I read the article.

Not the case. I don't think anyone actually read the article. They just looked at the headlines.

My picture was not on the front of the paper, but the headlines was. So the headlines, I think it was like in the corner top. And I was kind of in the center, center page of the Independent.

So it took up the whole, not the whole of the center page, but quite a bit of it. And there's this big picture of me. And I'd like to get a hold of the article, just to reread it.

I kept the paper for years and years and eventually I chucked it out. I've still got the paper from 2006 somewhere, but I've gone online. I can't find the Independent one anywhere.

And so it'd just be, I'd quite like to see the picture. Just out of interest, just because you think about it, I was, what, 22 years old. And now I'm about 73.

So it'd be interesting just to see what I looked like and also to reread it, to see whether or not it reads differently, if that makes any sense. I'd also like to get a hold of the TV show that I was in. It was this little, little TV station called Live TV.

And it was a talent show. It was in Canary Wharf. I ended up actually working there as a security guard the year after.

But I went on and the two things that amazed me is, I think I've got a video recording of it, but I gave it to my girlfriend to watch. And then I kind of just lost it with her. But we couldn't believe the difference, how I looked different.

I looked bigger on telly than I did on TV. I had started putting weight on at that point because up to that, I was quite slim, but then I started putting a bit of weight on sort of like middle twenties, sort of 95. Yeah, I started putting a little bit on, but I was still fairly slim and I looked bigger.

I was going to believe it, the camera added. And there was no audience. All it was, was just the camera crew and the staff working there would just like, they'd all gather around and just laugh.

But I loved it. And I did some of my best jokes at the time and they laughed, but it was like a small, tiny little, you know, it was like telling jokes to a few of your friends in the pub, but people that didn't know who you were. So the laughter would be, well, the laughter wasn't quite as generous as it would be if it was with your drunk friends.

But I liked it. I liked the experience. If I remember rightly, it was quite cool.

And I think I made a comment about, you know, the fact that there's no audience. But yeah, I liked, so I haven't got, I've got a face for radio, I think is a good, I mean, you could say maybe a voice for radio, but I've definitely got a face for radio. TV wouldn't really be my thing because of how I look.

I think I'd have enjoyed it. I think it's, I mean, you know, it's a lot of superficiality to it. And it's in some ways, almost pointless, a lot of stuff on TV, as far as, um, I can't imagine it'd be very spiritually rewarding, but it'd be a lot of fun.

You know, I think it'd be like interviewing people or just messing around. Yeah. I mean, you never know.

I mean, maybe, maybe I can get into acting and, you know, I'm still young enough to get, well, to be playing older parts, but you know, there's some people don't start until they're in their sixties and they play people who are over, they're over 60. So I only know one person, but it's Buster Merrifield. He played uncle Albert in only, only the fools, only fools and horses.

And he didn't start acting until he left his job as a bank manager. He retired and then he got into acting, but he might've been doing, um, dram before that. So I dunno, I just, cause he was proper posh.

So in the, in the shows, I'll, why wouldn't he tell boy? Oh, during the war, during the war. And he just, but when he actually spoke, he said, Oh yes, yes, that's right. Yes.

That's, it was a very, very lovely, very lovely job. And I very much enjoyed it ever so much. It was a joy to be held playing that particular character.

So perhaps I could do that, but it'd only just be, it'd be fun. Fun. Yeah.

I did extra work once. I got paid for it as well, but it was back in 1990s. I think it was either early 98 or the end of 97.

And basically my friend wanted me to, his comedy club, he had a whole film crew in there, plus loads of extras that were in the bar, you know, drinking, not pretending to drink and stuff like that. My friend wanted me to keep an eye on the bar and make sure that no one got, went behind there and took anything. And so I went down there and I sort of spoke to the people.

So, and they said, if you're down there, you could just be part of the, you could be an extra if you want, we'll pay you for that as well. So I got paid twice just for being there. It was great.

And I met this lovely lady called Lara. Oh, my little, little Lara. She was, I loved it.

Well, I really liked her, but she had a boyfriend. Well, at least that's what she told me. I really, really liked her.

Got a job at the club and everything, like just a little bit of work, but just, I don't know why I never, I don't know why I never managed to get her together. Well, if she had a boyfriend, I suppose that would be a reason. I wonder how she is.

She was a comedian as well. Perhaps she still is. I don't know.

She was nice. I really liked her a lot. I just, it wasn't so much that I already fancied her because I did, but I really liked her.

I really got on with her. Someone I could talk to and felt comfortable with for some reason. I don't know why.

So yeah, it was, it was nice. Yeah, we drifted apart. I used to go and see her do gigs now and then.

That's one of the good advantages of knowing, I suppose it's the same for musicians as well, or anyone that does entertainment where you're traveling around the city, you can just go to where they're doing a gig and hang out with them. So that's what I used to do with some of the comedians that I knew, that I got on with. I'd see where they were, I'd look at the listings and timeout, and I'd think, oh, Nick Rorty.

Oh, he's at the Chuckle Club Saturday night. I'll go there. Go and hang out with him.

Yeah, so it was, or I'd just end up going to the club that I liked because a lot of the comedians would, they'd kind of end up there because it was open late, and they'd end up hanging out there sort of maybe all night sometimes. Sort of people like, well, all of them. When I first started going to that club, Jo Brand was there.

She used to be quite regular. I think she was a regular performer because I think she was already famous at that point. But it used to be, I think she just liked it there because a lot of the comedians would hang out.

And it was like, wow, sitting here with a famous person. And I managed to annoy her. I did.

I don't know how. What was weird is I really got on well with her boyfriend, who was also a comedian. He's dead now, but he was a brilliant comedian.

And it was really weird because his name was Jim. And he said to me one night, I knew him for a few years, you know. And he said to me probably, I don't know, a few years after I saw him then, he said, I'm quitting comedy.

I laughed because he used to go on stage. He'd have a quiff, like Elvis kind of quiff, and he'd just be cheeky and funny. It's really funny.

Jim, you know, really, really great, wrote really great comedy, and he performed it really well. And I thought he would have been set for stardom, genuinely. And he said, no, I'm quitting.

I said, are you serious? He said, yeah. He said, shouldn't you consider doing the same? I said, nah, I don't quit. I'll keep going.

I never quit. He said, yeah, I noticed. No, he didn't say that.

I said, why are you quitting? He said, because I'm never going to be the best. I said, you mean, you're never going to be the best? He said, yes, that's what I said. Not you.

I said, me? Okay. So he quit. He literally did stop performing, because he was never going to, he felt he was never going to be as good as sort of Lee Evans or Jack D or Frank Skinner, the people that were making it big on telly.

At the time, he didn't feel that he was going to be good enough. But he continued to write, because he used to write for Jo Brand or write with her. And he wrote comedy, continued to write comedy for the next couple of decades.

And then I think last year or the year before, he left the planet. And so, yeah, it was, it was really not, I liked him. I think the reason I liked him is because he was friendly to me.

He didn't judge me. He didn't, you know, he didn't sort of put himself on this big, like higher pedestal, which I guess comes across when he said that he didn't think he was good enough. But I did say to him, you're brilliant.

You know, I'd give anything, not anything, but you know, pretty much at that time would have given anything to just have part of his talent, just to have, you know, and just a little bit of to have a little bit of that, that kind of genius kind of spread on me. Because he was, he was, it wasn't just he was a performer, but he was a writer, to be able to write and perform, because he could write for other people, comedy for other people. And some people can write, they can, you know, a lot, most comedians do write their own stuff anyway.

So write for their own performance, but to write for someone else's performance and to write for your own, it's just an amazing thing. So I met some pretty, pretty guruji people over the years, but they didn't, I don't think many of them really didn't take me very seriously, which is not surprising in some ways, some of the things I used to get up to. Yes, I think, oh yeah, I'm not going to tell you how, just some of the things.

I closed down a few clubs just by turning up. I had some clubs, they're just a night in a pub and the comedy promoter would rent the pub out or a room in the pub, they'd rent it out every week for, you know, for however long and they'd book comedians and see how it went. And then they'd, you know, hopefully keep going.

So it continued for decades. A few I turned up and they never performed again, they got closed down. The landlord said, no, we're not having any more comedy nights here because of me.

And so it's, I used to be a little bit rude at times, but I was fearless, really fearless, absolutely fearless. And I didn't mean anything by it. And it wasn't even that I was being, and this is like alternative comedy, so it wasn't anything horrible, not really.

It was, but not in the kind of traditional sense, if you know what I mean. It wasn't like hatred or anything, it was just, I suppose, a bit smutty. Hard to believe that I would come out of anything smutty, isn't it? Yeah.

Gosh. So, you know, no matter what anyone says about me now, I'm a better boy than I used to be. I'm nicer than I used to be.

So I'm okay with that. I am, yeah. I used to go on, sometimes I'd go on stage and I would scream at people.

I'd just start shouting at people and going into like this big, like angry thing. It's so weird. Honestly, I didn't, sometimes I didn't know what I was going to do.

And it all depended upon my mood. So sometimes I'd go on stage and I'd be just standing there talking jovially, making weird noises, telling me jokes, but just doing it gently. And the audience would love it.

That's when the audience would love me, where I'm just being gentle. I'd be just laughing. I'd be a bit silly, a bit cheeky.

So I'd make this sort of silly noises and stuff, which I've been doing since I was a kid. I just, I don't know, I just like doing it just for the sake of it. And I do it when there's no one around.

I do, I do. I just, I just do. Maybe it's a form of Tourette's or something, some kind of... You know, just, I don't know.

I shouldn't say, I'm not making fun of Tourette's. My best, my best friend's got Tourette's. So I'm just saying it could be a form of, you know, please forget I just said that.

Let's move on. Forget that I mentioned Tourette's at all. It's amazing, you know, my friend's got Tourette's and he's the most successful person that I know.

You know, he built quite a few businesses. Very successful. And he didn't even start until he was in his forties, you know, and he's now he's got a yacht.

He can sail around the world. Now he's an inspiration to me, really. I mean, if I ever start a business, it won't be until I'm in my fifties or sixties, maybe.

But although I already have had a business, I was a counselor, I was a therapist. So I was self-employed for a few years. From what, 2009 to 2013, something like that.

Or was it 2014? So I was, you know, self-employed for a few years as a therapist. So I guess, you know, I've actually had my own business, but it wasn't a success. Not financially.

I didn't even, I didn't even earn enough to live on, really. Which is why I'm now a ghost. Hmm.

So I'm gonna go. So I wish you all well, and maybe give me give me an idea what you think about me doing some, some of those special recordings that we talked about with the, you know, what's his name? Glenn Whittle, whatever his name was. And Whittle.

So yeah, that'd be cool. And I shall speak to you later. So thank you very much for listening.

And remember to be kind to yourself, because you deserve to be happy. Lots of love. Bye.

Bye, bye, bye, bye.