#390 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (5th May 2020)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland or Jason Newland, spelled with an A-N-D, but some people seem to think it's spelled with a U-N-D, but jasonnewland.com, that's my website. I was about to go into one there and I just got bored. That's why I'm glad I'm not a surgeon.

I think sometimes, you know, if I was studied, you know, obviously if I qualified to be a surgeon, I'd be quite a dedicated surgeon at times. I imagine the occasional day I'd all go in, be in the middle of an operation and just think, oh, I can't get bothered with this. I'm going to go and have a break.

I'm going to have a Kit Kat. I'm going to go and watch telly. So yeah, I think it's natural.

I do wonder, what do people in really important positions, someone like a surgeon, a doctor, a nurse, healthcare worker, police, paramedic, firefighter, you know, those kind of people that are really, that our lives depend upon their professionalism. I wonder what it's like for them when they give them noticing, you know, give them a month's notice. The reason I say that is because I've only ever worked a month's notice once in my life.

And that was back in 2007, the job, the insurance job I had just before I went to university. And I was there for a month, a whole month. And it was a month of not caring one little bit about the job because it didn't matter anymore.

And I wonder, well, I hope that people in positions of importance aren't like that. I mean, my job wasn't important. It was just listening to people's calls.

And it was, you know, important as far as the job goes, you know, I don't know. It wasn't life and death. And part of my job was to, it was listening to people's calls and then judging them, ticking off the sheet, make sure they said the right things and asked the right questions.

And if they didn't, they'd end up losing money off their bonus. Nobody lost any bonus that last month, not one. I just didn't care.

It's terrible. And there wasn't anything that was out of, you know, wasn't anything like really bad. So if I'd have heard someone being horrible to someone swearing down the phone at them or blatantly lying to someone, then I would have passed that on to my colleague, you know, but I didn't hear anything like that.

But I just, I literally just tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. I was hardly even listening. Oh dear, a month, just, and it's really weird.

It's like, how am I supposed to motivate myself to be here when in my mind I was never ever going to do that kind of work again. That was it, it for me. I was going to go to university, become a counselor.

And, you know, my career for me was hypnosis therapy, counseling, you know, all that stuff, the online stuff that I do, the pain relief, volunteering, you know, working in the alcohol and drug charities. And that was where my future was, I thought. So I just, this is, did I say only listen when you can safely close your eyes, if you haven't already fallen asleep? So I was naughty for my last month.

I have told this story before, but I don't know why I'm thinking about it. And I'm just, I suppose part of me regrets it, but just thinking back to when I had money, because even, well, I didn't have a lot of money back then, but it's still a lot more than what I've got now. Even minimum wage would be more than what I've got now.

But I was only earning, I think, 17 grand a year back then. But I had very little to pay out for. I had no debts and just rent, rent and food and clothes, you know.

That was it. Yeah. And alcohol.

Yeah, I did spend quite a bit on alcohol and cakes and biscuits and books. Yeah, I was still, yeah, I was still buying books. Books is a thing that I always loved.

I loved my bookers. I want to get my collection back. I don't know how.

I think what I'm going to do, I'm thinking every time, maybe once a month, if I can buy at least one book a month on, well, online, either Amazon or, you know, whatever speciality bookshop, but, you know, get one hypnosis book a month, at least, the very least. But that's only 12 a year. I mean, it's like 1, 2, 3, 4. That's not even gonna, that wouldn't even fill a quarter of a shelf, a bookshelf.

Actually, if they're big books, it might fill the whole bookshelf. Not the bookshelf, the whole thing, but one shelf of the bookcase. Oh no.

You know what's happened? Andre's just come, become awake, which means he's going to be making, oh, he's run out. I've had these deliveries from Amazon. There's a pantry, Amazon pantry.

And it's very expensive. It's not, it's not a good way to buy food. It's, I spent about £100.

And when I looked at what I had at the end of it, it was just like, but they delivered stuff in big boxes, way too big for what's actually in them. So I've got about seven boxes. And they've got all this like, a bubble wrap, but these big bubbles, plastic with big bubble pockets, that's protected the stuff.

So I put a hole in one of the big boxes in the side. But I'm not going to go anywhere weird with this. It's for Andre to go in.

If you can hear in the background, he's, he's actually being romantic with his girlfriend and some normal bubble wrap. Why does he do that when I make a recording? Did you hear him? Oh, I don't know what's wrong with him. I must be, he must hear me talking.

That's what it must be. He must have, you know, like the Pavlovian ringing of the bell stuff, the dog salivation. He must be doing that when he hears me talking, making a recording.

He gets horny. He has to go and make love to his girlfriend. Or he has to go and be naughty, generally.

And for some reason, he likes to bang himself against, when I say bang himself, I mean, he bangs against a radiator, which is annoying. So I made this hole in the box for him. It's a big hole, it's clearly for him.

And I've left all the big air pocket plastic bags inside. And see now he goes in there because he likes it. He likes playing in there.

And then I think it was last night or this morning, he was doing something. I don't know, what was he doing? He's only, he dragged the slipper inside the box. And was trying to, well, you can guess what he was trying to do.

It wasn't quite working out for him because the bubbles, the bubble bags, you know, the air is quite big. We bubble wrap this little bubble, isn't it? And he can crunch it up and, you know, shape it to whatever nook and cranny he's, you know, whatever he's up to. But and I see he was trying to get, it looked to me like he was trying to get the slipper or his, you know, his girlfriend out of the box.

So I undo the top of the box because I had it all like closed. So he could feel that it was private, Matt. I took the slipper out and I put it out for him.

A couple of hours later I came in and the slipper was back in the box again. I should just not get involved. I should keep well out of it.

He wants to do what he does and it's none of my business, is it? Who am I to get him, you know, to interfere with his life? He's a funny little thing. What has surprised me though is he really likes whiskers now, the cat food whiskers, because he used to have go-cat for years and whenever I'd run out of go-cat with gravy, I'd get him whiskers with gravy and he didn't like it. And eventually he'd like force himself, he'd hold his nose and he'd look at me in disgust and then he'd have a mouthful and go like that and I'm making a big show of it.

Now he looks the bowl clean. The bowl looks completely like it's been washed. He clearly really likes it, which is handy because I've got enough for about the next three months, next three months, probably next two months.

I bought a lot, a lot of it. And what I'll do is when this lot starts to get, well I'm hoping that things will be sort of back to normal-ish, when I get, when it's time to get him some more, I'll get a delivery from the shop, from the pet shop, go in there, get it delivered, and order maybe six months worth or something. Because then he's, now I know he likes it and he's happy with it and it's got lots of different flavours, just makes sense.

So that's what I'll do. In fact, I'll probably buy it and I'll store, I know where I want to store it as well. I'll just put it at the shelf, anywhere where he eats.

So one, two, three, four, you get eight packs there. Yeah, and that'll be good. So that's nice because you know, he's so fussy at times.

Mind you, he'll eat anything if it's been in my mouth, which is, I suppose kind of gross really, but it's true. Constantly trying to get to eat what I'm eating, but he doesn't want it when it's on the plate. He wants it out of my mouth and I'm like, go away.

There's people watching. He says, there's no one watching. I said, no, I'm on Skype.

Oh, okay, daddy, you should just, you don't want to share, don't share, don't have to make up stories. I'm not making up stories. He's just, oh, the internet's been so slow, so slow.

I managed to get it a little bit speeded up, but I'm supposed to get about 37 megabytes per second. Instead, I'm getting about 20. If that's ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous.

There's all these people working from home. They shouldn't be allowed to use their own internet. The company should have a special internet put in, because they're slowing down my internet.

Damn them. So I decided to start some rumours, because, you know, I think this was like a week in. I thought I've got three weeks left.

I'm so bored at this job, you know, I've got three weeks. It doesn't matter what I do now. It's just, you know, I'll make sure I do the job properly.

Kind of, you know, generally do what I'm supposed to do, but that's it. Three weeks. So I knew who the gossipers were.

So what I used to do, what I did is I spread a few rumours about the company, but I made sure that I only said it to one person, like one of the gossipers. But I messed up, because I told him, this bloke, I think we were going to the toilet or something, but we were chatting anyway, because I knew all the salespeople. And I knew pretty much the whole, because I was listening to every single person in the building, who was on the phone.

So whether it's sales, renewals, customer service, I knew every single person. Voice, from a voice perspective, and I sort of knew the salo, but I really knew the sales, because I worked in that department for quite a long while before I went into a different department. So he was a gossip, I knew he was a gossip, so I said to him, I can't believe it.

He said, what? I said, they're going to be making the sales department redundant. They've been making some of the departments redundant. He said, what? I said, yeah.

And suddenly the whole building knew about it, about this lie that I made. And my boss called me into his office, and he said, why are you spreading rumors? I said, well, he said, what's his name? I said, he clearly it kind of went back to him. And then he said, Jason told me.

Well, apparently they were making people redundant. I just didn't know about it. And that kind of shot me in the foot a little, well not shot me in the foot, but it was just making up like a little pretend thing just to, I wanted to see how quickly it went around the office.

And just in that time, they made loads of people redundant. Just in that last three weeks, departments going and stuff. Wow.

Yeah. So I got in trouble. I remember saying, he said, I don't want you to do that again.

Don't want to hear of any other rumors that you started. And I said, or what? What are you going to do, sack me? You know, I've already given my notice in a week. What can you do? And he didn't have anything to say, but I did say, look, if I'd known about the redundancies, I wouldn't have said that.

Honestly, I wouldn't do anything like that. Because that's just cruel. If I knew about it, but I did want to start some more rumors.

So I just did some other stuff, but aimed it at the manager instead. So no, I didn't. No, I didn't.

I don't think I did. Did I? No. No, I didn't.

I can't believe he got caught doing that in his office after hours. I'm sure it didn't happen though. Don't tell anyone.

No, I didn't. I didn't. I would never do that.

No, no. I liked that company. I did.

I liked every insurance place I worked at. I liked. But the second one, they forced me to leave, you know, by go full time again, or because I'd been ill and I went part time.

And they said, go full time or leave as your two options, which I'm not sure was actually legal because I was on medication for a condition. And so I don't know, but doesn't matter now. And then they closed in the end, they closed.

And then I, my next job after that was working in an evolution shop in the town that I was working in, living, you know, going to university. That closed, they closed the entire business. Then I got a job in another insurance company.

After I left, or they sacked me, that closed. So now the whole building is now an apartment block, I think. So yeah, I think I'm a bit of a jinx.

I think the first job the very first job as a kid worked in the bakery and stuff, that closed. It's no longer what it was. Used to be this big restaurant.

It's now a restaurant, but it's smaller. It's nothing like what it was before. Completely different business.

But you know, I suppose that's to be expected. It's quite a long time ago. I was, what, about 13 back then.

And then the shop I did the paper round for, that closed. And other people sort of opened up the newsagents. The chip shop I worked for, that moved, and then it closed.

Then they sold it. So it's now, it's not the same thing at all. And what other things? The double glazing place I worked for, that closed.

The factory that, the meter factory I used to work for, that closed. I worked at a hotel called the Ordnance, that closed. The pub I used to work for, which was also part of a restaurant, that closed.

What other things did I work at? The freightliner place that I worked for, that closed. My dad was actually working there and it closed down. The job I had in London at the meat place, that closed.

That'd been there for absolutely yonks and yonks, but it closed down. What's the next one? I worked, yeah, you can hear in the background, it's annoying, isn't it? I worked in a shop in the Elephant and Castle, a record shop. I worked for him, that closed.

Then what else did I work? The comedy club, that closed. I'm like gone, these places have gone forever. What other place? Let me think, let me think.

Let me think, thinky, thinky, thinky, thinky, thinky. Oh, the evolution shop. The first one I worked at, that closed as well.

That closed long before the second one did, a couple of years before. When I joined Churchill, they sold. They were bought out by Lloyds TSB or something, or some bank.

Yeah, it's Lloyds TSB. Within about a month of me starting. The company that I was talking about at the beginning, yeah, well, I was a little gossiper.

I only did one little bit of gossip, but I joined them and the person that owned it, he sold it after about probably two months of me being there. He sold it to a company that had no intention of keeping everything together. It was bought out by a company called Highway.

Highway already had offices in the town and in a place called Andover and they pitted Andover and that office against each other to see which one was the most productive. Because it's all done on the phone, so it doesn't matter where it is. The other place won.

So yeah, so that's why they closed it. Where else? That's enough, isn't it? That's enough places. But yeah, I'm not jinx.

I'm just saying that a lot of places are no longer there. What was the other place? I had the security job, but I don't know. It may still be running.

I really don't know. I'm guessing that a lot of security jobs, especially offices, office blocks, big places with lots of computers and stuff in, the security guards are still working because they still need to be, they still need to insure all their property, don't they? Because there could be millions of pounds worth of hard drives and equipment and stuff like that inside an office block, just the furniture alone. It's expensive.

You all have stuff together, the carpet and... This is boring, isn't it? The lampshades, the doors. So yeah, that's one job that would still be happening. Security guards still have work.

Best time in the world to have a security job, just go in, go to sleep. Mind you, that's what I did anyway. Yeah, I'm sure I had other jobs.

I worked in an old people's home once. Didn't used to call them residential homes. We used to just call them old people's homes.

This is in the 80s. And I ended up working in a kitchen in this old residential home. And I was basically the assistant to the cook because I'd done catering college and I'd worked for two years in catering.

And I talked about the porridge story where you could not get the porridge correct because every single one of the old residents wanted their porridge different. Very frustrating. Oh, man.

I shouldn't have chucked the porridge over their heads, but you know, I had to do something. So I just... I was with this woman. She instantly didn't like me for some reason.

I mean, I'm a very lovable person. I'm probably the most lovable person you'll ever meet in your whole life. Most people tell me how lovable I am.

Who does that remind you of? I'm the best, the most lovable person. Everyone says so. But she really didn't like me.

It's almost like I came in, turned up on my first day of work with a T-shirt with a picture of her with a big poo on her head. You know, it's like I was just there insulting her straight away from the from the very start. And I didn't.

I didn't do that. I asked the management, but they did have no pictures of her that they could give me before I started work. So I wasn't able to do a T-shirt like that.

I just got one which says, I hate you. But apparently they didn't find that funny. And what made it worse was that her, this bloke, who used to date my mother, my step-mom, my first step-mom or my second mother.

When my parents split, he dated her for a while and he had a motorbike and she obviously got excited by that. And he was just, I guess I was never going to like him anyway. But I was too young to do anything about it.

You know, I was sort of 16 at the time and he was in his 20s, big bloke. You know, there's nothing I could, I couldn't physically stop him. And I just had to just put up with it.

But I didn't like him. And he kept coming in every day, cuddling this woman saying, he's like my second mum. And I'm like, oh God, I can't believe I've started this job.

And then this knobhead comes in. And the reason I didn't like him is because it wasn't just because of what he did with my mum. I didn't see what he did, but you know, he was there around and there's some weird smells in that living room when I came in from work.

And I was in a nightclub probably when I was about 17 and he came up to me and he said, he just whispered in my ear, I, you can fill in your own word, I bleeped your mum. It's really, you know, it's like, oh, okay. It's not a nice, not a nice thing to do.

It's not a nice thing to walk up to someone's kid and say, oh, guess what I did to your mum. So yeah, I wasn't, I wasn't his biggest fan. So this job, it lasted a week and I got sacked.

I had a week trial and I just, it just all went wrong. You know, I had this woman that just didn't like me right from the start. I'm like, I'm wearing trousers.

At least you haven't even got a reason to be angry with me. Are we related? We haven't lived with each other. Why would you hate me? Anyway, and then this pillock kept coming in every day and smirking at me, which was a bit of a silly thing to do, really, considering the environment we were in, the kitchen, but I left it.

I left it. I thought, no, I want to keep this job. And then the residents were being complete numpties to me.

The porridge is too sticky. It's too hot. It's too cold.

It's too salty. It's too sweet. Honestly, I just, I know you're not supposed to swear at people, but I just, you know, I mean, I went in there one day and stood on my table and said, listen, from now on, you just eat the porridge that I give you.

I will visit you when you're asleep. I didn't. Oh God, that sounds horrible, doesn't it? Oh, I just, I really tried my best.

I really did. And it was just, just, oh, the porridge is not supposed to taste like orange. Why is it marmalade in it? What is this? It's not supposed to be dry.

I think only one of them liked my porridge. One resident liked my porridge and I liked her because of it. And at the end, when I got sacked, I went and said goodbye to her.

I told her, everyone, you can go free yourself. I hate you all. No, I didn't.

I didn't. I said to this, this lady, I said, look, you're the only one here that's been friendly to me. And I said to you, you like your porridge.

I mean, you even, every day you're happy when you see the porridge. And she said, yeah, I know. I said, well, thank you for not complaining about it.

She said, well, no, I'm not complaining. It's brilliant porridge. I said, oh, thank you.

She said, yeah, it keeps my dentures in all day long. It sticks right to my gums. It's brilliant.

Oh, okay. Basically, what you're saying is I, I gave you glue to keep your teeth, false teeth in your mouth all day long. Yes, that's it.

Yes. We had a little bit of a cuddle and kiss and, you know, I didn't want to take it any further. I mean, she kept saying, but I can't get pregnant.

And I said, no, but I've been sacked. I've been sacked. She said, that means we can be together.

No, I don't really know you. I don't even like you now. Not now that you told me about dentures.

I thought I liked you because I thought you liked my porridge. She said, is that really a deal breaker? Me not liking your porridge. You're going to let porridge get in the way of true love.

And we laughed and I thought, no, you're right. So we eloped. It was great.

Got married, spent the rest of our life together. That was the best six weeks of my life. Hmm.

Yeah. You didn't never told me you was a screamer. You've broken my hip.

So, yeah, it was good. That was one of the horriblest jobs I had. Not horrible as in the job itself, but just the horrible week of, of, yeah.

Awful, awful. And I remember the manager, he came up to me and says, you know, your week trial's up. I said, yeah.

He said, I don't think it's going to work out. Okay. See ya.

He said, no, wait a minute. Do you want me to tell you a bit more? I said, what? I'll tell you what you did wrong. Why? Well, that's just how it normally goes.

Before I sack you or, you know, of course it was only a trial, a week's trial. But before that happens, I'd normally sort of give you some feedback and tell you. But what's the point in that? I don't know.

It's just, there's no point in that. If you, if you lay me off, if you're saying that you don't want me to work here, then I'll leave. What do I want to listen to you for? What, what, what is it? What's in it for me? Do I get a chocolate bar as a treat for doing that? He said, no, but we've got plenty of porridge left over from breakfast if you want some.

I said, I ain't eating, I'm not eating that crap. I know where it came from. He said, exactly.

I said, what do you mean exactly? He said, you know what I mean. We know what you were doing to the porridge. I said, wait a minute, I was doing nothing to the porridge.

I was actually doing my best to make that porridge nice. Genuinely, genuinely doing my best. He said, really? I said, yes.

He said, wait, wait a second, like you're not working here anymore, but so we can cut the crap. Come on, seriously. Was that really your best? I said, yeah, it was my best.

It was my best effort at making porridge. I've never made porridge before. I've made readybrek.

I can do readybrek all day long. Easy. Porridge, I'm making it for like 23 people.

Never done it before. Yeah, but that wasn't your best effort, was it? No, it actually was my best effort. I did my best.

Oh, come on. Come on, don't, don't mess about. Don't, don't, no, come on.

I said, I'm not messing about. That was my best effort. But you went to catering college.

Yeah, not to learn to make porridge. Porridge was never on the menu in catering college. I learned how to make meals.

I knew how to prepare vegetables, how to cook meat, how to prepare fish and how to do that stuff, how to put on a plate and present it, you know, soups and those kinds of stupid things. Porridge was not mentioned. Restaurants generally don't serve porridge.

What about breakfast? Well, we never really did breakfast. We did lunches. I was at college.

We served lunches every day. Didn't serve breakfast. Yeah, if you ever worked in a hotel, you'd need to make breakfast as well, wouldn't you? I said, yeah, but breakfast is quite easy, isn't it? Eggs, bacon, sausages, beans.

It's not hard, is it? You know, I've been, I've worked in a chip shop for two years. It's very easy to make stuff like that. Bacon, eggs.

It's not hard. So why come you struggled, struggled with porridge then? Because porridge is unnatural. That's why.

What do you mean it's unnatural? It's not unnatural. It is. Show me an animal where porridge pops out and you can just crack it in the air.

Show me a plant where porridge can be pulled out of or a field where you can pull porridge out. That is where porridge comes from. It's from fields, isn't it? Yeah, but it's not porridge, isn't it? Yeah, it's oats.

By the way, what's that weird, weird, why do you keep making a sound that sounds like a little monkey? It's not a monkey, it's a ferret. It's a ferret being romantic. How do you know what a ferret being romantic sounds like? Well, I'm just guessing that's what it's going to be like.

Because in, I reckon when I'm about 45, I'm probably going to end up living with a ferret. But you're 49 now, why are you saying 45? No, that's when I got him. I'm not 49 now, I'm 18 now.

In fact, I'm still 17 in this scenario. Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm not sure what my next, what was my next job after that? Because I had, what jobs did I have? I had the chip shop job, then I worked in the co-op supermarket.

I worked in, did a lot of cleaning jobs, a lot of cleaning jobs. A lot of clean, I say it three times and that means something, a lot of cleaning jobs. Because I lived in a place near the docks, also supermarkets in town.

So I cleaned supermarkets, I cleaned the offices and the docks. I had early morning cleaning jobs, evening cleaning jobs. Also, there was one time and I was working in the co-op shop, supermarket.

And I had, so I was working there, I'm pretty sure I had an early morning cleaning job before going to work. And I had an evening job after work, evening cleaning job after work. And I had a weekend job doing kitchen portering in a hotel.

So all I did was work, all I did. I don't know why, I think I had nothing else to do. There was, there was just nothing, there was nothing else.

So that's what I did, I worked there. Yeah, so it must have been, is that the first or the second time? I might have, that might have been what I did when I was working down the docks. I wish he'd shut up, he's so noisy.

I can't believe he gets more action than me. I mean, I'm not, I'm not jealous of the bubble wrap and the dirty slipper. You know, I'm just saying, he's, some people in the past thought, why can't you get him neutered? What, take away the pleasure he's having? This is, he's having fun.

And, and he has fun, sometimes a few times a day. So there, yeah, lots of jobs. I think the one cleaning job that I really liked, I'm going to click different lists of different cleaning jobs I've had.

I had a cleaning job at a supermarket early morning. Then I had another cleaning job at night in, down the docks. But I used to get a lift down there.

And then later on, I had another job down the docks at early, early morning. Then another time I had another job down the docks in the evening again. And then I didn't do cleaning again, I don't think, for the whole of my twenties.

Oh no, I did, I did a cleaning job. And I did, I forgot about that, that's a big one as well. So I was cleaning as a nightclub.

And then when I was in my early thirties, I had a, I had a supermarket, I did that twice. So it's, so it's different jobs. I've been back to the same place once, twice, once, twice.

I've got really nice memories about that place. This early morning job I had, and I was earning, I think I was getting about 50, I was just had enough to pay my rent and maybe an extra 15 pound a week for food and stuff. So I was just working part-time doing cleaning jobs.

And I just have really nice memories about that early morning job because the person that worked in the, what is it, not the bakery section, the meat section, person that worked in about the meat, meaty place, he had a tape recorder and he was playing some Christmas songs because it was in December. But also there was the Wind Beneath My Wings, that song. So I'd hear that every morning.

I was like, oh, it's beautiful. And the job I had was easy. It's a really easy job because we'd be in there every day, never got dirty because we, me and the other like four or five people that was in there, we did a good job.

So if you do something nice, if you keep it clean, it never gets really dirty. There was the occasional spill and, you know, there's a little bit of elbow grease. Where does that come from? I never had greasy elbows, but that was a nice little job.

And that's just, I think six to eight, maybe five to seven, something like that. Six to eight, I think. And we finished, I think they opened the doors at half eight.

So that was cool. I've got loads of people jobs there. I did, they were always looking for people.

So I just, I've got jobs for a few friends. And then I went back, you know, so I had that job twice. Then I had the one down the docks in the morning, one in the evening, one in the morning again, one in the evening.

So I had six, I think, one in the nightclub. Then when I left my insurance job, the first one, I had a part-time job. They didn't pay me hardly anything.

So I had an early morning cleaning job, which was like five to seven. Wow. That was early.

So I did that. I think that's it. So eight cleaning jobs, eight.

One which I did for a couple of years, but eight all together, I think. Oh, wow. They're all closed now, of course.

No, I don't know. Yeah, one of them is. The nightclub.

So eight cleaning jobs. Funny enough, I think one of them was a co-op. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was, there was a big one.

But it was, again, if, okay, it's a little bit messy in the winter and stuff, you know, with the snow and, you know, rain or whatever. But generally, supermarkets are quite easy to clean. Well, I got asked if I wanted to do the bakery in one of the supermarkets.

And I said, yeah, I'll do that. And they said, it's, if you like it, it's every night for two hours a night, if you want to do it. I said, well, just, I'll do one and I'll see.

They'd never cleaned that bakery. I don't think that floor had ever been cleaned. It was, they seemed to think that I didn't know what I was doing.

First of all, I had lots of cleaning jobs, including working in a chip shop, cleaning, you clean a kitchen, chip shop floor, that gets caked with all kinds of grime, you know, walking on it all the time, grease and dirt and everything, and needs to be cleaned, you know, two, three times a day. That's why I know how to mop. I'm very good at mopping and scrubbing if need be.

This bakery, plus I used to work at a bakery when I was a kid. So I used to clean the floor. I knew, you know, this bakery had not been cleaned.

This floor had not been cleaned for a very long time. Honestly, as I was scraping away, my head was getting further away from the ceiling. That's how thick the thing was.

But there's just, and I was there for four hours, smashing away at this crust, trying to, like a pickaxe, you know, trying to get, get through it. And really, I just spent absolutely hours in there. And I have to give the keys back to my manager in the morning, and she gave them to the bakery.

And they complained, saying it wasn't done properly. So I'm thinking that what they did is they didn't have it done every day. They had it done maybe once a month.

And they expected that would be enough to make it all clean and tidy. They probably gave it a sweep and that was it. So there was bread dough and all kinds, you know, just completely thick.

And anyone that's ever cleaned a bakery floor knows it can be quite fun. Because, you know, if it's, if it's dried a bit, you can like, get the, like the scraper, because you have a long scraper with, yes, it's basically a scraper with a big long handle. And you can scrape right underneath it and scrape big lines of this stuff out.

This, you know, that, that bakery was just, it was set hard. It was, you know, it was, oh man, honestly, it was the hardest cleaning job I'd ever even attempted. And I know a dirty floor.

Trust me, because I've got one in the kitchen and the bathroom. Very, not that dirty. I think it's just, I like to blame it on Andre, but it's not really fair because it's not his fault.

Because he hasn't done anything. It's mine. No, it could be, I don't know.

Maybe, possibly, but it'll be. For those that are still awake, I'm going to leave a few little messages. A few little messages.

What should I say? Rachel Elizabeth, hello. Hope you're feeling better. And, all right.

Sorry, I've only just really read your message. Sometimes I read messages and I'm half asleep. So I'll come into the living room and I'll just check to see if there's any messages.

And I'll have some water out of me, place where the water is, and go back and lie down. Heinz Bundle. She sent me a message with a link to the Heinz Essential Bundle.

10 pound. 4-8-4-8-16. Oh, okay.

Wow. Delivery is free for frontline workers. Enter blue light card code at checkout.

Has anyone got a blue light, a blue light card code that they can lend me? That's disgusting. I shouldn't, I shouldn't ask that. I wonder what the delivery charge is.

What's the delivery charge? If I put buy now, delivery is 3 pound 50. Blimey. Well, you know what? Per bundle.

Oh, per bundle as well. So that's the essential bundle. So if you get, so for every 10 pound, every bundle is costing 13 pound 50.

13 pound 50 for 12 cans. 12 cans. No.

I mean, in this day and age, I suppose at the moment it costs more to get stuff, but you know what? 13 pound 50, and they just have 13 cans, 4 cans of tomato soup, 8 cans of Heinz beans, and 4 cans of loops, Heinz loops for 13 pound 50. Sounds too much. I don't know.

I mean, usually, I don't know. If you say 1 pound for each tin, which it wouldn't be, you're probably about, well, even if it was, that's 12 pound, isn't it? But I suppose, you know, thinking about one of your five a day, yeah. Well, the soup's 89% water.

No, it's not. It's 89% tomatoes. Oh, I was going to say a really amazing water joke then, but it's gone now.

Anyway, so Gemma Alice, hello Gemma Alice. She wrote, Hi Jason, just thought I'd check in and make sure you're okay. How are you and Andre? So thank you for that Gemma.

I did reply. Jen says, Hi Jason, how are you? I replied, glad to hear you're okay. Just listening to you.

My cordless earphones just run out of charge. I've got that with mine. I've got a headphone, well, earphones and headphones.

I don't really use the earphones so much, but the headphones, that's not really part of the story. Basically, they run out of juice and things get a little bit fuzzy. And it's like, I can't sleep without you whispering now.

Oh, just starting on Spotify. It's amazing how relaxed your voice is. Thank you, Jen.

I do try. I give it a go. I do my best, but I'll put a little bit of it in.

And I've got a message from Rihanna. She said, I'm glad you're doing good. I was worried when you hadn't put up anything for a few days and your Andre's a handsome little fellow.

Oh, Andre's obsessed with Rihanna. He is. Normally he's got a foot fetish.

He loves feet and toes. But when he saw a picture of her, he said, I've changed. Don't care about feet anymore.

It's like, you can't say that. He said, I can say whatever I want. I'm a ferret.

What? I'm a ferret? What are you going to do, take me to court? It's like, Andre, stop it. I love Rihanna. I love Rihanna.

Andre, stop being so annoying. You're annoying. Yeah, I know you are.

You do realise this doesn't work when we both have the same voice. Yeah, I know. It's no way of knowing which one's talking and which one's saying what.

Well, I love Rihanna. I fancy Rihanna. But who is it? Is it ferret or is it? It's me.

It's Andre. Do you sound the same as me? Yeah, I know. It's because you've been really lazy.

You're supposed to change your voice when you talk like me. I can't be bothered. That's your problem, that is.

Which of it's my problem? It's not on the top list of my problems, is it? I've got other juicier problems than that. Other than not putting the correct voices on for some imaginary ferret. Well, I'm not really imaginary, am I? Well, no, but you don't talk.

Well, what am I doing now then? I took him to the shops, well, to the garage and got some milk earlier. That was, that was... I realised I could just sit here and say nothing and it'd be just as boring as if I talk. Could be just as boring as if I said something.

And I want to say a big thank you to Elizabeth Payne. Thank you, Elizabeth. My website is pretty much nearly up to date.

Let's have a look. I'm a hundred and... I don't know. I think I've got 300 Let Me Boy To Sleeps uploaded and 180 Deep Sleep Whispers uploaded.

And both the other podcasts are completely uploaded. It's on the website, that is, not on the podcast themselves, but just the website. So it means I've got 390, so 90 left for the Let Me Boy To Sleep and probably about another 25 for the Deep Sleep Whisper.

So that's good. I'll have the Deep Sleep Whisper done before I go to bed and I'll get the Let Me Boy To Sleep ones done tomorrow or later today. So I just want to say thank you for those that are still awake.

Sorry for not boring you to sleep, but... Really, Andre? Why have you got to make noise right at the end? I've got him. Hello, mate. He's giving me kisses.

You're a good boy, really, aren't you? He's quite calm post-coital. Aren't you very relaxed? 10 minutes ago, I saw him out there in the kitchen smoking a cigarette. Thank you for making so much noise.

You're a good boy, aren't you? You're always willing to be part of the recording. I know that you are the star of the show. You know that, don't you? Yeah, you are.

You're beautiful, aren't you? Still collecting a lot of dirt, though, aren't you, from when we go out? I think it's time you had a bath. Not right now, but you are going to have to have a bath. I don't like giving him baths because he don't like it at all.

And because he's not allowed to have baths too often, because he produces oil in his skin that cleans him, he's pretty much self-cleaning, but he does still get dirty. So if I put him in the bath too often, that would could damage his coat because the oil wouldn't be keeping him... I don't know what I'm talking about. Sounds realistic.

Don't it sound realistic when I'm making stuff up? You're gonna fall asleep. You're gonna fall asleep. No, yeah, no, yeah.

Go away. Hey, good boy. Go away now.

Love you. I'm gonna go now. Thank you for listening.

And remember to be kind to yourself. There's Andre. He's going for session number two.

Take care. Bye.