#367 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (3rd April 2020)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name's Jason Newland. In my arms is Andre Dooley Nuland, the beautiful little ferret. This is Let Me Bore You to Sleep.

Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. And I don't know what else to say. I do do other podcasts, although sometimes I get a little bit caught up in the website.

I'm not stuck in it. What was that film where they get stuck on their television and they go from show to show? I forget. But yeah, it's not quite like that.

But I'm in the middle of changing the images on the website. I'm just trying to make it a more pleasant experience. Also more easily navigationable for people on mobile phones, because that is the majority of people that actually use my website and the podcast as well.

Isn't it eh? Eh? So yeah, I've been working on that. And stop sneezing in my face. Blimey.

What are you staring at? What? What? He's nodding. What are you nodding at? What are you nodding? What? Don't you want me pretending to be bored? Not pretending, Dad. Not pretending.

Now he's got my thumb and he's holding it with both of his hands and he's licking the end of my thumb. You're such a cutie. You are a beautiful little boy, aren't you? Yes, you are.

You want to get down. Stop it. Stop sneezing.

Try not to touch the microphone. Yes, I have. I have a few.

Well, I've got quite a few podcasts. Nearly 40, I think. But there's a handful that I actually update regularly.

So this one, Let Me Bore You To Sleep, or if you go to my website, it's just called Bored. There's an image of the Let Me Bore You To Sleep logo, but I just put bored underneath. So, you know, it's number 368 bored.

And I've got the Deep Sleep Whisper Hypnosis one. And on my website, I've just got sleep underneath each one. So whatever number it is, and then sleep.

And it's an image, you can see what it is. And then what's the other one? Relaxation Hypnosis for Stress, Anxiety and Panic Attacks. And I just call that stress underneath.

So, you know, number 108 stress, for example. And then there's the, what is it? Sleep Hypnosis Weekly. And I call that weekly.

Underneath each recording. But again, this is boring. There's a banner.

I think he's falling asleep in my arms. He's like a little baby. You know what I did the other day? I don't know if it was today or yesterday.

I was getting heart palpitations. Maybe partly due to stress. Maybe it was the acid reflux, my heartburn.

I'm not sure. But I held him against my chest and the warmth of his body. Just having him next to my heart.

I just felt better. And so I decided to duct tape him to my chest. I walked around with him all day.

It was stuck to my chest. It was lovely. Not for him, apparently, but for me.

He was just always sick. So I had his back stuck to my chest and his belly showing. You see his legs and arms are just running and trying to run away.

I'm only joking. Like I'd get away with that. Well, you know that all the people, a lot of the people listen to this love you, Andre.

They do. They think you're really cute. If only they knew that you don't exist and I made you up.

I made you up. Oh, yes. He's just staring at me.

He's looking up at me and staring. What is it you want? Oh, you're falling asleep. You're falling asleep.

Yeah. What do you want me to do? Stop sneezing at me. Break it down.

OK. You give daddy kisses before you go. Daddy kisses.

Thank you. I'm going to say that he kisses. He licks the end of my nose, which is pretty quite gross, but I forgot about that.

I've got a big roll of bubble wrap. Which he loves. I mean, he loves the bubble wrap.

There's not many things I could say for certain that he absolutely loves. And he loves going out for a walk. He loves whipped cream.

Or, you know, the cream you spray out of the can. Whipped cream, isn't it? He loves that, like above anything other. Nothing else goes inside his body that he enjoys as much as whipped cream.

But he is lactose intolerant, which means it kind of upsets his tummy a bit. So I don't... I think I've bought two cans of whipped cream the whole time I've had him. I'm not giving him the whole can because they're big old things.

They're as big as he is. Oh, great. Now he's got my slipper.

He's now rearranging himself and leaning into an old jumper of mine, which if you go through my YouTube channel, you can actually find videos of me wearing that blue jumper. It's a light blue jumper. It was one of my favourite jumpers and he stole it from me.

Basically, he likes things that smell of me. So he stole it and then he pulled it into his bag. This is probably a couple of years ago, maybe three years ago.

And he's had it ever since. Occasionally, I do wash it, which upsets him. It really upsets him.

The idea of something being clean is apprehensible, comprehensible. Apprehensible. You don't like it anyway.

Uprehensible. Opprehensible. Not comprehensible.

Apprehensible. Peeper-principle. Anyway, so he's now... That's what he's doing, basically.

He'll be there now, probably, for the foreseeable. That's how I know he's okay. At the same time, you know, I suppose I'm always looking out for him, always a little bit.

You know, wondering, is he okay? Is he fine? He makes the weirdest noises when he's asleep. But I think that's just dreaming. Unless he's just shouting at me to shut up, but who knows? And he's still got, he's got, you know, great appetite, eats, wants to go out, you know, every day.

Climbing all over me every day. Wants to knock stuff off the tables every day. If there's a plate on the table, he'll knock it off.

Can't help himself. And he's doing what he's doing now, every day, a few times a day. In fact, I'm kind of almost jealous of that slipper, because the slipper's getting more action than I am.

Which is weird, to be jealous of a dirty, it is smelly. I mean, I do pick it up sometimes, and I don't lick it. I don't even know what I'm saying there.

I don't lick it, why would I? But I pick it up sometimes, and I tease him with it, and he's like, that's the noise he makes. And it's like real anger, like, how dare you go near my girlfriend? In fact, they might even be married. I honestly don't know half of what he gets up to when I'm not here.

Might have had some big ceremony, who knows? Might have invited the local cats round. The local hamster. Who knows? Who knows? Oh my goodness.

Right, he's given up on that for some reason. I don't know if he's enjoying the running commentary. He's just run.

Right, now he's decided to play with a bubble wrap. No, he's gone back to bed. He's now laying down inside my old tracksuit bottoms.

So he seems happy enough now. He's done what he wanted to do. And now he's... I guess it was just a quickie.

I whistled then, did you see that? A quickie, quickie, quick, quick, quick, quickie. Perhaps we're supposed to whistle when we say words that begin with W. Mind you, quickie is not with a W, is it? Is it? Q, it should be though, shouldn't it? It should be Q, W, or K, W, I, C, K, E, E, E, E, E, E, quickie. That would be the correct way to spell it, surely.

But apparently not. The um, no one likes being corrected though, do they? I remember I actually sent a love letter to my English teacher, and she just gave me, it was a question, it was me, a love question that I want to know. And before I actually asked her out, and of course she wouldn't have gone out on me because she was a teacher and I was a child and that, but I didn't know at the time.

So I wrote a question on a piece of paper, and she said, I did it kind of in a poem, sort of in a poem format, or tried to, it didn't rhyme. And I gave her the letter, which had a big question on it. And all she did was correct me on my spelling.

She said, Jason, there are two L's in swallow. Very, very disappointed. Apparently I got the names of all the other birds correctly, but you know, not that one.

So, you may be able to help me here. In fact, what I'll do, I had another lovely message, not replied yet, but I shall read it here. You know me, like to read stuff, kind of an obby of mine.

This is from, this is from someone that sent me messages before, and I have pronounced her name correctly in the past, but now I can't remember how I pronounced it then. So I might mispronounce it now. So please forgive, well, I will try and pronounce it.

I'm not sure if I'm going to pronounce this right. Yeah, the thing is, the message is from, I'm not even sure if I'm going to get the surname right. I'll try and pronounce it correctly.

It's from, and please forgive me, please forgive me if I mispronounce it. I'm trying my best, you know, I'm not, I'm not perfect. I'll be hard to believe, but I'm not.

So the message was from a lady called Anne Smith. Again, that might be pronounced differently. That's Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary.

I'll imagine it's Mary, but I did it correctly in the past, but I don't actually ever listen back to any of my recordings because there's not enough time. There really isn't. If I listen back to my recordings, it just, I'd have no time to make any new recordings.

Anyway, the headline is Dialogues with Andre. This is a private message, so perhaps I shouldn't read it. Yeah, perhaps I shouldn't.

Anyway, hope that we Andre's foot is getting better. So my answer to that is, it seems to be, you know, I'm just, you know, I'm a little bit of a worry, carry head, fuss pot, hurry, carry, worry, whatever. You know, I do worry about stuff sometimes, especially with him because I've got no one else to really be concerned about.

And it's kind of, I'm always, I'm all he's got and he's kind of all I've got in a way. So I don't have to, I don't have to, but I just feel I want to look after him and make sure he's okay. And earlier on, I gave him a bit of tummy massage.

So he was laying down on his back and you still see the mark from the duct tape from yesterday when I had him trapped, you know, stuck to my chest. And it's like partly bald around that part anyway. He, so I massaged his tummy because, you know, it's, I don't know why, maybe it's weird to massage a ferret, but I do.

I massage his chest, I massage his hands, his shoulders, his arms, his legs, around his neck, his face, his scalp, his tummy. I really just gently press him, just massaging, massage down his spine, especially down like the bottom part of his spine, his hips, where the tail is. And then I swing him around a little bit.

No, no, I don't. But he knows I'm talking about him. Don't you, Andre? Andre, you know he's not listening to me.

He's pretending. And you hear that, that's him again. It's not me, I don't, I'd have to be a good ventriloquist, good night to do a sneeze that's clearly in a different room.

Anyway, as far as his legs go, I've been, I've been playing with them, well not playing, I've like stretched them a little bit, just gently. And a little bit like you would with a frog, I imagine. Reminds me a little bit of a frog I had when I was a kid in a bath.

I wasn't a kid in a bath. I mean, I went, I used the bath. I mean, I think when I was little, it was like Sunday evenings, bath time, once a week.

Maybe, maybe there was one during the week as well, but I'm sure it was only once a week, bath time, and then the rest of the time we'd just, I don't know, run around in mud and stuff. And it was, I had this frog and I used to wind it up. I used to say, you're green, you are.

You're like a big bogey. You're green. I couldn't think of anything else to say.

You've got very long legs. Oh, he's come back to his girlfriend again. I think maybe they had an argument.

Oh no. He's so sarcastic. What do you want, mate? What do you want? He comes to his bowl.

He's got two bowls. One's got dry food in, which is there all the time. The other one's got his wet food, which is the cat food.

He gets one packet of cat food a day and he's just walked over to the bowl for the cat food, looked at it, looked up at me. Even his knees are cute. He's so, it's just, he's got such an attitude sometimes though.

He's now balancing on my leg. Not balancing, like a tightrope, but he's stretched out on the, I'm sitting down, he's stretched out on my right leg, on his back. I'm just playing with his hand.

And that's something I do sometimes, and I can't do it at the moment because I've got the other hand holding something else, which is my phone. Okay, if I move over, if I message, what's that in your palm? What's that? If I message both of these hands, just the palms of his hands, he really likes it. He's just gently rubbing it.

Sometimes it'll lay there for ages. And just, I guess he must enjoy it, otherwise he wouldn't let me do it. You like that? Eh? Eh? Was that a yes? Are you nodded? Ah, and he's got these little pads underneath his hands.

So he's got the one at the back of his hand, then he's got another one, and a few in the middle, but under each toe he's got a pad, like a, well, like a walking pad kind of thing. And he's got the same on the other foot, the other hand as well. So what I do is I massage the big pad, which is at the bottom of, well it's not far from his elbow, to be fair.

And I massage the middle of his hands, and then he sneezes again. You've stopped sneezing, Andre? Now just look in my hand. You're a good boy, aren't you? Yes, you are.

You're very calm. So he doesn't normally do this. Oh, he wants to get off now.

I have to be careful, because you never know, I might have stimulated his bladder. So, you know, I was going back to his bowl again. Where's my bloody food? Things, if I give him more than one packet of wet food, he won't always eat it, because he's eating what he needs.

He's not like a dog. Well, not all dogs are the same, but some dogs will just eat and eat and eat and eat. He won't.

Plus he's not a dog. But some animals will just eat, other animals just eat what they want, or what they, you know, what they fancy. So he won't always eat all his food in one go.

But that bowl is completely empty, so he's eating all of it. And he had that about seven o'clock, eight o'clock. It's now nearly two.

But he needs to have the dry food, because that's good for his teeth, and also for his digestive system. So he needs to have, otherwise he'll just be, well, his, basically his bum would be like a water pistol. You know, he just wouldn't, it would, you know, he needs to have solid to make his, you know, that stuff that I have to clear up.

And really, I should be giving him, you know, like raw meat. And I tried that, and it's, you know, he'll eat it, he'll love it. But what he does is, what he did, I gave him some chicken.

This is a few years back. Grabbed it, and he ran. And he was trying to hide it somewhere.

My friend had one of, like Andrean, one of him. And he found, I think, like a piece of lamb underneath his bed. There was this stink, and he couldn't find out where it was coming from.

So his one, his pharaoh, actually, he'd eaten some lamb, and he'd hidden it underneath the bed. And it's like, oh, and Andre was going to do exactly the same. Can't have that with raw meat.

So I've just stuck with the cat food. So I don't know if it's just me being hypersensitive, but I'm noticing his back, back feet. He just did that, and he looked up at me.

He did it again. Just looked straight up at me. Like he wants my attention.

He wants me to go over and probably chase him. Perhaps he wants to be told off. Strange fellow.

Anyway, back to this, this message. Hope that we Andre's foot is getting better. What a worry for you.

Yeah, it's been a bit. Thank you for that. And just, I just want to say that your dialogues are so funny.

Thank you. You're either chatting back and forth with yourself or someone you've met, or with Andre. They're priceless, and I suspect you don't really know how good they are.

I know I'm very aware of how well, no I'm not. I forget what I've done. As I said, once I've done it, it's gone.

I didn't ignore what I've said. I don't know in what format, but I'm sure that you and Andre could have a very successful career together. I don't mean by taking Andre out and exposing him to audiences.

Can you imagine him in an audience? He'd just be on stage. The first thing he'd do is probably just do a big poo on the stage, guaranteed. And then probably try and shag the microphone.

And just doing recordings. And I'm sure there's a children's book in there too. Best wishes.

Oh my. Yeah, thank you. That's really kind.

Thank you for that message. I do like getting messages. So if anyone else wants to send me a message, I can read it out on here, on me let me boy to sleep.

I generally don't read out messages on any of the other podcasts, unless they are, they pertain to that particular podcast. So the relaxation for stress ones. Occasionally I'll read out a message I might have got, or a what's it, you know, like a review.

Oh dear. I've got itchy arms. I had a proper cough today.

Proper cough, like really coughing, coughing, coughing, coughing. But I'm okay now. Oh, now I'm thinking about it.

I want to cough. It's ridiculous, isn't it? I want to win the lottery. I want to win the lottery.

Let's see if it works. Bought some toilet roll today. See, it's boring.

This is a boring podcast. I've got a proper grumpy person that works in the, one of the local shops. It's really grumpy.

It's really, really grumpy. And he was stocking up. So I went in there.

So I was trying to keep my distance. And he was, he was like, well, but he didn't move. He continued to do what he was doing.

Because obviously he's more important, I guess. And he handed me what I wanted, because he knew what I wanted, which was four Cokes, like in a pack. And I said, can I have two, please? You want two? Yeah.

Which is what I would normally get. You know, I'm not doing anything different to what I would normally do. It's, in fact, I'm probably, while I'm in there, I'll probably get about three packs.

But although I try not to go into there, I try to get them in a bigger box of, you know, like 48 or 36 or whatever, rather than the individual four packs. Or go into Iceland and get six. Or go into Aldi and get eight packs, a pack of eight.

But I'm trying, really trying to avoid going anywhere like a supermarket, if I can help it. So I'm trying to stay local, get a pay extra, because it's all the more expensive to buy locally. And bought a toilet roll, bought some bleach for the toilet, bought some Nestos.

I bought some spray cleaner stuff. And a couple of chocolate bars, just to treat myself, because I haven't had any chocolate for, well, at least three hours. And what else did I get? I didn't get any bread, because I got bread yesterday.

So I didn't need any bread. I thought about getting some milk, but I didn't. Got two bottles of water, but not big bottles, not little bottles, but the kind of, you know, the, the girthy ones.

They're quite thick, but they're not long. It's not long, it's quite, it's more girth than length. And it might even be like one of those sports bowls.

Thinking about it, it might be, you know, the ones where you, you pull the thing out, and it's in your drink, instead of taking the lid off. So you're basically sucking on a nipple, which I'm okay with, but I just, I prefer to have one with a lid, you know? It confuses me otherwise. I mean, am I drinking water or am I making love? You know, it confuses me.

So just, I just, you know, just a bottle of water with a lid, but I can screw, and then unscrew, or unscrew, then screw, rather, back on. Ideally, big bottles of water. And they're really cheap in Iceland, in the supermarkets, they're cheap.

It ain't so cheap in the garage or local shop. But I'm just trying to get bits and bobs when I can. So every time I go out, I'll try and get a few bits.

And yeah, so it's either that or going to town, queue up for probably hours in the hope of getting a delivery. And yeah, so I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to try and get everything locally, probably spend twice as much money as I would normally do on the same stuff.

Although I can't get anything frozen around here. So yeah, it's just, it's almost like sometimes I feel like they're doing me a favour by allowing me to buy something. Okay, see how you fare in a couple of months time when you don't have this power, when this magical power is taken away.

See how you get on then. See how you get on when we can choose where we go, where I can choose where I shop. I also got some hand sanitiser for the first time.

Never, never seen them being sold in the garage before. But there was nowhere else to buy them. I got it, it smells nice.

I think it's like 99% alcohol or something. Did I say smells? It tastes horrible, but it smells nice, but it does the job. And I'm beginning to worry about my fingerprints though.

I am a bit too much washing, a bit too much hand washing. My fingerprints are getting a little bit faded. Just like my self-respect fading away.

So that's kind of what I did today. I was coughing, didn't feel great. So I went back to bed.

And then since I've been up, I've got quite a lot done on my website. Sort of with the, yeah, just like cleaning bits up and adding different, making new images and adding images to both the podcasts and to the website. And yesterday, I made available, I made available all the day before and yesterday.

I lose track of what day it is, because now it's Friday. The, who knows what day it is. It was first on Wednesday, second, Thursday.

So Friday would be the 3rd of April 2020. So I know I've said this before, but not everyone's going to have heard it. Do you realize that my name is the only name that's in the months of the year? And you might think, what do you mean? And you'd be correct, because it does sound a bit strange.

If you take the first letter of each month, you know, J for January, F for February, M for March, go for all of those and just line them together. Only one name comes out of that, which is my name, Jason. July, August, September, October, November.

No other name comes up, just mine. And I said that to my friend and he said, who told you that? I said, no one told me it. I just discovered it myself.

And he didn't believe me. I don't think people believe it when you, in the past people have said to me, remember I was semi-dating someone and I said something and she laughed and she said, who says that? I said, I just did. She said, no, no, but who said it originally? Me.

The idea that I'd just be copying what someone else had said. Why? What? I mean, I'm not saying I don't copy what other people say, but I'm just, the idea of, I mean, I could have done that for years, being around comedy clubs, could have stole other people's jokes and made that up of mine, like in reality, in real life. And I did all the time.

No, I didn't. I was, who says that then? Me. I just said it.

You were here. We witnessed it together. No, but who says it? No one.

Just me. The idea that you can't be original, mind you, there is that theory, isn't it, that no original thought has ever been thought ever. There's nothing original that's ever been said, because everything's been said that's going to be said.

No, I don't know. There's no way of knowing, is there? I mean, there might be someone saying exactly the same words as what I'm saying now, at exactly the same time as I'm saying them. Highly unlikely.

Oh my hair, oh my hair, I wish I looked like you. Let's see if that doesn't line. The chance of them saying all that stuff.

I stand out like a cockerel in a restaurant. Being covered in soup. I mean, chances are they're not saying this.

And why would they? Who would want to, really? I suppose. I wonder where Andre is. Oh, he looks so cute.

He's lying on his side, on his right side. And he's just tucked inside the pants, but he's asleep. He's got his hands crossed, his feet together, his arse in the air.

Really peaceful. I like it when he's peaceful. There's a little bit of like, when he's wanting something and I can't give it to him.

And I can see he's frustrated. And although it's annoying for me at times, especially when he's scratching at the front door to get out and causing havoc because he wants my attention. There's a little bit of like, oh, I wish I could know what it is he wants.

I said that to him. He said, well, yeah, you know, I want to go out, don't you? I said, I don't know that. He said, you know exactly what I want when I scratch at the door.

I want to go out. I said, yeah, true. So why don't you take me out then? And I have to explain to him, I'm not going out in the middle of the night.

It'd be different if he was a big, strong, scary dog. Then I could go out any time of the day or night. And, you know, if he was a crocodile.

I remember I said that to him. He said, that's just ridiculous though, isn't it? Where are you going to get a crocodile at this time of the day? The crocodile shops are all closed. I didn't want to correct him there.

There is actually one that stays open 24 hours a day. Yeah, it's a bit of a walk though. Well, and a swim, you know, a swim through the swamp.

So I don't know. I'd like to give him more, but I think that he's got a fairly good life, really. You know, he's got the whole flat to himself.

And I don't think there's many ferrets that have that. There might be loads, but I don't think there's many. There might be thousands, but I don't think there's many.

There might be millions, who knows? Maybe every single ferret has. But I don't think there's many. He just does what he wants.

As you would see, if you could see in here, you'd see that he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants to. He's a very, very ungrateful, naughty little boy. Very naughty.

Ever so upset with him. I'm not. Sometimes.

Sometimes a little bit. He just winds me up. I think the time he annoys me as well.

When I'm trying to make a recording, and he's just really, you know, running from carrier bag to carrier bag, just making like lots of crinkling sounds and scratching at the carpet and running over and trying to knock something off the table and things like that when I'm trying to make a recording. Now, in the end, I've just given up trying to stop him from doing that stuff when I'm doing these recordings. And part of the reason is because people have, you know, do contact me, generally tell me how much they like, you know, they love Little Andre.

So you get to hear him in the background sometimes. Not the whole time, thankfully. But you know, occasionally.

But when I do the relaxation for stress podcasts, that's when he seems to come alive, like proper, full on. And I don't know why. And sometimes when I do those, when I'm talking, I will be walking around, talking, instead of just sitting here.

And that gets him going even more. He starts biting my toes, well, my slippers. I've got these crocker, are they crocks? Like plastic things.

So he can't actually get to my toes, but he'd love to. But they've got holes in the crocks, so he can get his teeth in between. And also tries to trip me up.

Constantly doing that, trying to trip me up. You know, just walk and just stand in front of me and stop. It's just, I don't know why he does it.

I really don't know why. And, you know, there's been times when I've done a podcast, and I've walked from here into the bedroom, and he follows me. I walk back into the living room, he follows me, go into the kitchen, he follows me.

He literally just following me everywhere I go. And all I want him to do is go away. Just do his own thing in a different room, just for half an hour, or an hour, you know, for the duration of that recording.

He refuses. And as soon as I've finished the recording, you're going to know what I'm going to say now. Goes to sleep.

My work is done. I've annoyed the old man yet again. And then that's it.

It's like, oh man, what? I've actually had to, or it distracts me. Doesn't really distract me on these recordings. You hear my fridge just came on there.

And also you're used to, well, hopefully you're used to the background sounds. There's a few sounds, not anything major. Although I can't remember the last time I heard the fridge come on quite so energetically.

But outside of that, there's not much going on sound wise. I've got a little bit of a routine going on with these podcasts as well. I've got a chair I sit in.

I don't sit in a squeaky chair anymore. I sit in a chair that I borrowed off a friend. It's not comfortable enough to sit in watching telly, but it's comfortable enough for an hour of talking.

In fact, if I had a therapy practice, this is the kind of chair that I would sit in. And I provide that for the person I was talking to as well. It's comfortable for that.

So it keeps your back straight, have your feet on the floor. And it's not comfortable enough to fall asleep. But I think if it was a hypnosis session, it wouldn't be ideal.

I mean, it's doable. But I think for hypnosis session, I quite like the idea of a recliner, not all the way down to being on your back. But you know, just reclined a little bit, feet up, reclined to increase the sense of comfort.

A bit like a dentist's chair. Isn't it weird? The dentist's chair, probably one of the most comfortable chairs you'll ever sit in. Yet no one's ever going to know how comfortable they are.

Because it's just, I've been to the dentist a few times over the years, and I know it's a comfortable chair. And expensive those chairs are, and they're very comfortable. But I've never felt comfortable in one, ever.

Although I do have a way of numbing myself. It's a technique I learned a few years back. Whiskey.

Whiskey really, no. There are ways of numbing. But the problem, not the problem, but sometimes things like self-hypnosis, a dentist or a dental assistant or the medical practitioner seem to want to interrupt you.

Or if you're on a plane and you're hypnotizing yourself to feel calm and relaxed, and somebody's going to want to talk to you, or somebody's, chances are, if it's a fairly long flight, there'll be food, or there'll be a tannoy system, someone will be talking. We are now 7 million feet up in the air, and there's nothing you can do. It's kind of brilliant.

So I think sometimes self-hypnosis is preparation, but just feeling calm throughout the situation that's going to be occurring. I remember I was in a flight to Bulgaria, and the people I was with, there was a group of us, they were basically not, well, they kind of was, one of them was my friend and his brother, and the other one was my friend that I knew really well. But he was kind of, they were more his friends than my friends, if you know what I mean.

He'd lived with them and stuff. And one of the blokes was together with, funnily enough, Andre's ex-girlfriend, not this little Andre, but the original Andre. So she was at home, I think she was pregnant, but anyway, she was at home.

We went to the, maybe that's why they gave me a ticket, because she couldn't go because she was up the duff. But I went along anyway. They knew that flying wasn't my most favoritist thing in the whole world.

I was trying to do hypnosis, self-hypnosis, calming myself down, and it was working, I was relaxed. And then I'd fall asleep. And then I'd get a shove to my arm or whatever, from one of the blokes that I was going with saying, I just let you know, we're not there yet.

Waking me up to let me know that we're not there yet. Pathetic, really wound me up. Tell you what else wound me up.

I thought it was a skiing holiday. Now, I'm not a skier. I'll admit, never skied in my life.

But I associate a snow holiday in the mountains, skiing. With skis. Well, they didn't tell me, literally did not tell me before going.

My friend didn't tell me, I guess he must've found it funny. Did not tell me until he actually didn't tell me when we arrived. Didn't tell me that evening.

Didn't tell me even when I was collecting, I had to go and rent out equipment in London before going. Didn't tell me then. When we got there, when we went to collect the skis, they handed me a board, a snowboard.

And I said, where's the other one? And they laughed. And I said, oi, to my friend said, what the, where's the skis? Why have I got this thing? I know it's not skiing, it's snowboarding holiday. It didn't tell me there was a snowboarding holiday.

Didn't tell me that I was going to be attached. Both of my legs were going to be attached to one board, one piece of wood or whatever it's made of. Gelatine or plastic or, I don't know.

Who knows what it's made of. One piece of wood with both of my feet attached, not just in, but attached, actually kind of sealed in. So I couldn't get my feet out.

Not without putting my hands down and unclipping it. Now, I still sometimes fall over when both of my feet are actually on solid ground. I fell down the stairs the other day, only the bottom of a couple of steps, but still, you don't attach me to a board and then stick me in the top of a mountain covered in snow.

That's ridiculous. And they thought that was funny as well. I was not impressed.

Just, and I could, with snowboarding, if you've never done it, and this is a very, very vague recollection because it was 2003, so it's quite a while ago, you kind of lean to where you don't want to go. So if you don't want to fall forward, you lean forward, I think. I might have that wrong.

I might be thinking of swimming or skydiving, I don't know. That was skydived. Why? Why? I had a friend actually, she did a skydive for charity and it was in aid of a friend of hers that had an accident and really hurt himself badly when he was raising money doing a skydiving challenge.

She still did it. What else was I going to say? Yeah, I hear movement in the garden. Why are people moving around in the garden at three o'clock in the morning? What's that about? They should be in bed.

Well, what are they doing? So yeah, so I had these ski boards on, well, this one ski board on, covered in these thick, like everything, you know, like trousers, jacket, goggles, gloves, you know, really covered up. What I didn't expect, I was a little bit surprised, how warm it was, because I've never, ever been anywhere ever before. I've always just stayed in the same house, just never left.

Now, I've never been anywhere before where it was warm and snowy at the same time. That just didn't make sense. I couldn't figure it out.

It just, it was like shivering in a sauna. You know, I just didn't register, like, this doesn't make sense. I don't get it.

I don't understand it. This is worse than algebra. So basically, I attempted, we were taught how to skateboard, snowboard thing.

And the bloke that was teaching, this was great. It was really nice. And, you know, clearly he's brilliant at snowboarding, but I wasn't.

I guess, I think one of the things, if you want to stop, if you're going down, you lean back, and it feels like you're going to fall on your bum. And you do. Well, I did.

And he did one of the things he said, right? One of the first things he taught us was, right, fall on your bum. I thought, my goodness, we haven't been out for dinner yet. He said, don't fall out, just fall down on your bum.

So we did, and it hurt. He said, now get up and do it again. Now get up and do it again.

Keep practicing falling down on your ass. I said to him, what's this about? Why? He said, because that's where you're going to spend most of your time, on your bum. And he was right.

Well, actually, I spent most of my time on my face. For some reason, I managed to slide down a mountain on my face. And I injured myself.

I was burnt from the sun, and I was also burnt from the scraping sensation of the snow on my face as I went down the mountain. Even the bears were keeping away from me thinking, oh, don't like the look of that. So it was ridiculous.

It was really ridiculous. The whole thing. Apart from Bulgaria itself.

Beautiful. Just the parts that I saw. I was in a hotel, but I liked the hotel.

It's linked to different hotels. I got to know some of the staff because I only went out every other day. I didn't want to go out at all, to be fair.

Once I'd been out once, that was it. Didn't want to go out again, but my friend kept hassling me. Oh, come on, Jason.

It's a holiday. I need someone that's worse than me at snowboarding to be there. Okay.

But my favorite bit was being in the hotel. So I did. We'd go down and have a breakfast.

I think, well, it was food, I think. And they all went off and I went back to bed. Then I got up about 11, 12.

They were still up there. And I went to the pub or to the bar, maybe to the pizza place, had a pizza. Just relaxed.

Got to know some of the staff, hung out, had a chat. It was quite cool. I quite liked it.

There was, it's quite weird because there was this, the receptionist. Gorgeous little thing. I mean, she was, I'm not very tall, but she was a lot shorter than me.

Absolutely really liked her. And she seemed to, she was very friendly to me. And, well, she didn't give me a kick cap or anything like that, but she was friendly.

And she, then I didn't see her from that night onwards. So we booked in on that day. No, it was in the evening, I think.

I don't remember. I think it was in the evening. So we booked into the hotel.

She was there. I said, hello, are you all right? She said, yeah, why? I said, no, I'm just being friendly. I said, yeah, well, I haven't got time for your friendliness.

We have other customers to deal with. All right. And so we got on really well.

She reminded me a little bit of someone that used to work in a chip shop back in 2001. And this particular person, she was a young female. I don't know how young, but she, I think I gave her a Christmas tip.

And I gave her a pound. So I was very generous, felt pretty good about myself. And I used to go in and get some chips, maybe every couple of weeks or something, you should be in there working.

And then I was in a nightclub with my friend, who's a magna to lots of ladies. It seemed to be just, I don't know what it is about him or what it was about him, but he's just, and hopefully he's dead now, but I'm joking. He's, honestly, they loved him.

And she came up to me and she said, she just appeared out of nowhere. So we're in this nightclub, probably about 2003. And she said, hello.

I said, you all right? How are you doing? You okay? Yeah. And the next thing she said to me was the one thing I didn't expect to hear. Are you going to introduce me to your friend? I said, no.

She said, what? I said, no, I don't want to introduce you to him. She said, why not? I said, because I don't want to help you to get off with him. What's the point in that? She said, I don't understand.

I said, well, I like you a bit less than I did before this conversation. But why would I introduce you to someone else that gets to let's say kiss you? She said, I don't understand. I said, there's no benefit in that for me, is there? Why would I introduce you to probably the most handsome man in town? She still didn't understand.

I just, you know, I kind of just, what would be the point of me introducing her to him? It's just another person that he gets to be with. And I don't, not that I wanted to do anything. I just, he had enough.

I think, you know, some people just have enough. He said, he was well fed. He didn't need any more food.

There was a time, I think like nightclubs or whatever, that if sometimes if someone mentioned their boyfriend, I'd just stop what I was saying. The conversation would just be finished. I'd just walk off.

It was probably a little bit rude, thinking about it now. But I just lost interest. If I was talking to someone and I liked them, I'd live in about five minutes to talk about their boyfriend.

To me, that's like letting me know that they're not interested. Yeah. Can you introduce me to your friend? Yeah, sure.

Here you go. Anything else you want me to do? Want me to clean your house for you? Buy you a car? So that you can both drive around? He's so bitter. Bitter, bitter, bitter, bitter, bitter, bitter, bitter, bitter, bitter, bitter, bitter, bitter.

I'm thinking of learning to play the ukulele. I've actually got a ukulele. It's on top of my bookcase.

I got a cheap one, probably about a year ago, because I thought I might learn it, but I never did. But I'm thinking about doing it. Considering it.

Yeah. So watch this space. So I'm going to go.

Take care of yourselves. I think I've been boring enough for one night. Remember to be kind to yourselves because you deserve to be happy.

Lots of love. Bye.