#394 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (9th May 2020)

Hello and welcome to Jason Newland dot com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let me bore you to sleep with background sounds of Andre Dooley Newland chomping away on his food. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes and why does he have to do stuff like that when I record every single time.

I suppose I should be used to it. Gives me something to moan about doesn't it. Yeah.

So. That's it really. So I've got a bit of a shout out to Jackson.

Hello Jackson. Alright Jackson. His birthday is on the 12th of May.

It's the 9th now isn't it. So just in case I don't do a recording on that particular day. This is a happy birthday and he's the big 7. He's a big boy now.

He's 7. Which just shows that my audience is very varied. And I've got people in their 70s listening to me. And people in their 7s.

Does that make sense? Yeah. So happy birthday Jackson. Happy birthday.

And Andre sends lots of hugs. Although Andre's been very very naughty today. I'm not even joking.

He... I had a bath. It's not really relevant to the story but I'm just showing off. Just... I think I lost about 12 pounds of weight just from all the dirt that I got off me.

It's amazing. And... Come on then. You want a cuddle? Oh he's doing it again.

He's biting me. He's biting me. Yeah? You're biting me.

Yeah? You think that's okay? Oh he's not now. No you're not are you? Behave yourself mate. Yeah you behave.

You can give me kisses and cuddles but the biting needs to stop. Did you hear him? Oh he's let off a stink. I think that's a stink of anger or frustration.

Because he's not getting his own way. But what is it you actually want? What do you want mate? You want kisses? You can have kisses all day long. It's fine.

It's just... It's just when you start to bite me that's not so nice. They're not the type of kisses I wanted. No they're not.

And why have you let off a stink? It smells... It smells a bit like scampi. It's got lots of different smells and normally he doesn't let them off. You know our general day-to-day he's just got his normal... Like we all have.

We've got our own smell haven't we? He smells like a ferret. A ferret? I've got a... I smell like a dustbin. You know we've all got our own individual scent.

And which is good for me because you know as far as social distancing goes people cross the road to avoid me anyway. I've done for years. So that's good.

And but he lets these stinks off. And sometimes they're okay. Just a little waft.

A little... Because he's got glands and he's... You know I think some of the scents are to attract females. Some are when he's on heat or whatever. But he lets it off sometimes.

You know I think when he's angry and he's not getting his own way. Or when he's frustrated or when he's... Whatever was going on. And he's done it twice today.

He did it last night as well. I remember the first time he did it when he was a kid. When he was like a baby.

And I had to change the t-shirt I was wearing. It was awful. I thought honestly... I thought a skunk had climbed up my nostril.

It just was bad. In fact I think I chucked the t-shirt away. I did.

I went to the field and lit a fire and a big dustbin and then got the ashes and made sure that they were taken away to a different country and buried in a volcano somewhere. I just didn't want to take any chances. That smell was bad.

And earlier on... So I'm getting undressed to get in the bath. I did a lot of stuff. I was tidying up the flat.

Putting away some of the boxes that I've been getting deliveries in. Food delivery. Not food but from Amazon and stuff.

Anyway I'm sort of doing all that stuff. I'm changing his paper. I put out about six bin bags and I'm running a bath at the same time.

Or drawing a bath. Both don't really make sense today. Running a bath and drawing a bath.

I turned the tap on and the water was filling the bathtub up. Yeah. Yeah.

And so it's getting hot. So I was sweating and that's not really relevant to the story either. Anyway I'm getting undressed to get into the bath.

I'm in my bedroom. I've got the curtains drawn in the bedroom and in the living room and the blind is down in the bathroom. Which meant I could just walk from one room to the other without the police being called.

You know, basically. And I don't want to go through that again. And I just thought I'll just get undressed.

He started attacking on my feet. But this time, you know, suddenly he's a little game for him. He bites my socks and I lift him up and, you know, it's okay.

I don't mind it so much. But he wasn't playing. You know, I took my sock off.

He actually bit my foot. I wouldn't let go. Not enough to injure me.

Not enough to, you know, cause any damage. But enough to hurt because, you know, feet. Tootsies are sensitive, aren't they? I got so angry with him.

I had to put him on the naughty step. And then later on he started, well, I had a bath. I kept him outside.

Didn't let him in the bathroom. I normally do. And I said, if you keep doing this, you're going to be coming into the bath.

And he said, no, not that. Anything but that. And he ran away and hid.

And I said, get back on that step. He said, oh, okay. He said, we haven't got any steps.

I said, just for the sake of the story, just get on to that step. So I'm having me bath. I managed to spill water all over the floor in the bathroom.

And I basically had a cup and I just picked it, put water and just poured it onto the bathroom floor. Not sure why I did it really. It was silly.

And so I had a nice old wash. It was nice. And then I came out.

I didn't come out. I didn't sort of phone up my parents and say, by the way, I'm now going to live my true self. No, nothing like that.

It's just, I came out of the bathroom, sat down on my bed. I had all my clothes ready to put on because I know Andre will be waiting to attack me. And I think the only thing he likes better than dirty feet is clean feet.

He's got a foot thing, really, really got a foot thing going on. And we did have, and then he saw a picture of Riri and said he likes other parts of the body now. But he's kind of like, oh, now it's feet.

So he goes back, attacks my feet. So I'm trying to put my socks on. I'm trying to balance.

I'm literally trying to sit upright on my bed, but my feet are off the floor. Now I don't have, I've got some muscles somewhere in my stomach. They're hidden very well, very, very well, well hidden.

So I'm trying to kind of balance, but I'm trying to reach to put my shoe, my shoes, my feet on my socks or, you know, the other way around. And he's just jumping up because he can't get to my feet. He's making do with my ankles and my, and at one point I'm sitting there and I managed to put him away when I put my socks on, push him away.

And I see him and I'm just sitting on the edge of my bed with nothing else on. And I see him aim himself and start to jump up the bed towards the middle section. And I caught him and I thought, wow, I really, really couldn't believe that.

Because I think my friendship with him would come to a close if he, if he, oh, those teeth. I don't know, maybe he wasn't trying to sort of bite, bite me, but, oh, didn't, he didn't look like he had good intentions. So he's kind of frenzied.

It's like he loses control with feet. He just loves feet. He's, yeah, he's definitely got a foot fetish thing going on.

I don't understand it. I really don't. Anyway, I get dressed, managed to sort of get me boxer shorts on and, you know, clothes.

I don't have to go through every individual particle of clothing that I put on, do I? You know, me bra, me bask, me tutu, you know, all the, you know, duffel coat, all that stuff. It's all got all that on me. And my skis, you know, parachute, just general stuff that I walk around the flat in just to be comfortable.

And I come into the living room and I sit down. I'm quite, you know, I'm still a bit sweating a bit, you know, because the heat of the bathroom and just like, oh, okay, I'm going to have to have another bath now. But it was temporary.

And I sit down and I think, oh, I'll just have a little sit down. And I put my feet up on the recliner. The recliner chair is pretty much broken, but the leg rest bit opens up, comes up.

The back rest doesn't go back. Well, it does, but it goes all the way back and I end up on the floor. So I don't use that anymore.

And he jumped up onto my legs. You know, honestly, he didn't even normally like tries to get up and he makes a big deal of it. So I help him.

He didn't just jump right up and started going for the bit in between my thumb and my finger, really being quite vicious. And he's not normally like that. So I'm not sure he wants to fight because, you know, he likes to get a bit, gets a bit carried away when he's fighting with me and I'm pulling him about and he's pulling me about.

And, you know, I grab him, he pulls and he pulls me off and he grabs me, I pull him off. Then, but he doesn't seem to be in that frame of mind. It's almost, it's a bit vicious.

So I keep telling him to stop and he keeps going back to bite me, but really kind of making like those noises. So I grab him by the scuff of his neck, which it's loose skin, but he doesn't like it because he hasn't got any control. And I don't do this very often.

You do it to them when they're babies to let them know that you're in control. So I pick him up and he's looking at me and he's shaking like he's going whoo. He's going whoo.

And then he yawns and that's a sign that they're giving up. That's a sign that they're kind of surrendering. So I let him down and he attacks me again.

So I pick him up again, I let him down again and he goes and carries on. I pick him up one more time and I hold him for about 30 seconds. And he's looking at me.

I'm just staring at his eyes and he yawns, big yawn. And I put him down on my lap and he just lays there. He just lays there completely still.

And I stroke him and he doesn't move a muscle. It's almost as if he'd, almost like I'd hypnotized him and he'd just gone into a trance and he was like catatonic. And I even moved my hands in front of his eyes and his eyes didn't move.

He was just there, just, I don't know, it was weird. In the end, I had to wake him up. I started thinking what's going on with him.

And so I move him and I'm stroking him, stroking his belly and his face and he's just lying completely still. Bearing in mind, a minute ago, he was frantic, couldn't keep still. Even if I'd given him a Rolls Royce, I don't think it would have made any difference.

Why would you give a Rolls Royce to a ferret? If I could have followed, how could I follow? I can't afford a Rolls Royce. You can't get them in ferret sizes. You can get them big or you can get them really tiny.

But I don't know if you can get them, why am I talking about ferret Rolls Royces? Oh, never mind. And so I pull him up, I pull him off my lap and I put him into like a cuddle position. So where he's, I'm holding him with my right hand, my right arm and just give him a kiss and stuff on his head.

And suddenly he becomes alert again. However, so he's kissing me and he's being all like, you know, like he normally is. I offer him my hand and he doesn't take it, goes and doesn't want it anymore.

Isn't that strange? And holding him, it doesn't hurt him. I suppose it's easy for me to say, how do I know? But he'd trust me. I know, I know the sound he makes when he's in pain.

And I've heard him, I've trodden on him many times by accident. And he's got himself caught in the past and got himself caught underneath the door once, gets his nails caught in stuff, and he just proper screams. So it's weird.

It's like, I felt like I was disciplining him and I don't like that. But he was out of control, genuinely. He was like a wild animal.

And you may say, well, he kind of is a wild animal, but he's not. He's lived with me since he was a baby. He has got everything.

He's got more than probably most ferrets ever have in captivity. I don't like to think of it as captivity, but I suppose that is what it is. He would love to be outside and running through the fields until he realized that I wasn't there, until he got hungry and he realized, oh, he looks for his backpack and he gets out the tin of cat food and, oh no, I forgot the tin opener.

You know, just he's not equipped to survive in the wild because he hasn't been taught that stuff. And he was born in captivity. It's not like I caught him and turned him into a little gentle ferret.

And he was never going to be living in the wild. The only two options he had probably was to live with me or possibly be a working ferret or, you know, like a breeding ferret, you know, that kind of working for his living, not for his living, doesn't actually get a paycheck. And in some ways, he'd probably have a lot more fun doing that, you know, hunting for rabbits and getting to do the jiggly jiggly with his female ferrets.

But taking that bit away, you know, the two things he'd love to do most in his life, taking that away, I think he's got a pretty good life here. He's got more room to live in than I've had, than I had for the first 45 years of my life. So he's got way more space than I ever had.

I've got it now, but it's less space for me because I'm a lot bigger than him. You imagine being his size, this would be like being in Buckingham Palace, or as the Queen says, Buckingham, Buckingham, Buckingham. I was listening to the Queen's speech earlier, and she said Buckingham, not Buckingham, Buckingham.

And I never realized that she pronounced it differently to how I've been pronouncing it, Buckingham. I've always said Buckingham. And you might think, well, it's the same, isn't it? No, it's, you know, the putting stress on the ing, Buckingham, Buckingham, Buckingham.

Maybe I put too much emphasis on the ham. Buckingham Palace. Yeah, maybe.

Because it was VD or V something day yesterday. And normally I used to watch that. I thought it was on a Sunday normally.

Isn't there one that's on a Sunday? Because there's a few of those. And there's the, there's double D day or something. Trafalgar Day Armistice or something.

So my Nan, I used to watch the parade with her on the television. That's a couple of things I used to watch, or three things that I remember watching with my Nan on television. Or four things.

Sometimes the marathon. I just happened to be there when the marathon was on. Another one was my stomachs.

I can't believe I'm hungry. I only ate about four hours ago. And the other thing was, what was it? The boat race or the annual boat race between Cambridge and Oxford.

So that's sort of why we watched that. I don't know, but we did. And I saw that a few times with her, or at least once.

And then we watched the, the, yeah, the, the, the marching, you know, the ceremony thing for one of those celebrating the end of war days. And the other thing we used to watch was Deal or No Deal, which is still, I don't watch, it's not on anymore. Not the, the show stopped.

I think they, they may still show repeats, but it was one of my favourite shows. It just, it worked. It was just really, really good.

And you probably had a version in your country, wherever you are. It was just a bunch of boxes and people. And in, in this country, the top prize was $250,000.

Then it went down to, I think it's $250,000, then $125,000. Then I think it was $100,000, $75,000, $50,000, $25,000, $10,000, $5,000, $1,000. I think then it was like $500,000, $100,000, $250,000.

I don't know. It was, it kind of went down to one, one pence, I think it was. So I watched that quite a few times with my nan.

And that'd be in the evening, like late afternoon, four o'clock or something. But then what my nan would do is she would phone my dad up while I was in the toilet. And I'd come back because she, she didn't do it.

I didn't see her do it. And suddenly the phone would ring. And I was, oh, it's your dad.

Dad's on the phone. I phoned him a minute ago to tell him you were here. But I'm watching Deal or No Deal.

I don't want to talk to him. I'm watching Deal or No, the whole point, if you're going to spend an hour watching a TV show, and if you miss the last 10 minutes or the last five minutes, you've wasted the whole hour. It was important.

And she said, so is your dad. I said, not right now. He isn't.

Deal or No Deal is the most important thing right now. She said, you shouldn't put television above family. I said, will you please shut up and get out of the way of the television? I didn't say that.

I didn't. Hi, dad. Right then.

Yeah, good. Yeah. Bye.

Bye. Bye. And I tried to explain to her, look, we're watching a TV show.

The whole point of this show is the drama, the tension, the excitement. It was an exciting television show, or an exciting television show, however way you want to say it. And she said, yeah.

I said, why are you watching it then? She said, because it's exciting. I said, exactly. I said, so if we're watching it, we're watching it.

And I just turned the television over to a different channel, just as they're about to open the last box to see whether or not they've won. What would you do? How would you feel? And I couldn't believe it. She moved so quick suddenly.

She was standing there, aiming a gun at my head. It's like, okay, so it would affect you, wouldn't it? She said, don't you even joke about it. I said, okay, put the machine gun down.

She said, okay. Want a cup of tea? I said, yeah. Got any rock cakes? She said, you know, I don't make rock cakes anymore, since I broke my hip.

I said, why not? She said, it's hard to stand. I said, it's good exercise, surely. She said, well, she looked at me, and I thought, well, I better not say anymore.

Things I liked her, I loved her rock cakes. My nan was a brilliant baker. She baked cakes that were really, really, really good, like brilliant, you know.

And then she stopped, because she, you know, I mean, as soon as she broke her hip, she just got a bit lazy, really. No, she couldn't stand up for long. And so you had to make do with biscuits and stuff that were bought.

This wasn't the same. I think I might have actually done some baking with her. At one point, I think, one situation, I'm sure, I went around there, took some flour, and all that crap that goes into the baking and stuff.

And she said, we don't need crap. You can put that on the compost heap. I said, you haven't got a compost heap? She said, yeah, I forgot.

And so I'm sure, it might not happen, but I'm pretty sure. Wow. There's a thing on here.

Yeah. Beatles framed and mounted photo with genuine signatures of all four of the band. It's £12,885.

Four flexi pavements at £3,221 each. Is that all? £12,885. That's on the TV right now.

Ideal World. I was watching it earlier. And there's this bloke on there.

And he was, he was tweeted. He was, you know, twotted, tweeted, tweeted. He was, they said, he was like a real, real life Ricky Gervais from The Office.

David Brent. Thing is, because they were talking about, they're doing signed pictures of stuff. And this bloke, I don't know his name, but he's, he's big, got a big, big belly and a beard.

And just sits there at a table and just talks and talks and talks. Got on mute. I'm not sure what he's saying, wait a minute, I'm looking in the mirror.

Where's the telly gone? And he, he was going on about, well, here's a picture. It's a signed picture of the two Roddies. And he started going into a rant about how comedy is now.

It used to be, comedy in the 80s was much better than it is now. It's not funny anymore. And it just bores me when I hear people going on like that.

Come on, just stay, stay in the world. Stay, stay in the present a little bit. You know, we can all like certain things, but, you know, music, my era was the 80s.

That was when I was, you know, late 70s, all the way through the 80s, 90s. And that was kind of my time for music, growing up, being in my 20s, whatever. But I still like music from now.

I like music from every single era, whether it's the 60s, 50s, even 40s. I even like some of the songs that were in silent movies. Not very interesting to listen to because they're silent, but, you know, I still like them.

I like the idea. In fact, I like static. I mean, I like listening to the very first recording.

And, you know, I listened to that. It's great. It sends me right off to sleep.

So it's like, come on, comedy is just, it's different. Things change. Things don't stay the same, do they? So I don't want to be stuck in an era or a decade.

I've met people that have said to me, nothing decent's been released on record since 1969. I mean, come on, really? How can you say that? I only like songs from the 60s. I can understand why people like songs from the 60s, because I do as well.

Especially people that have grown up, like my dad. He grew up in, what was he born in? 1946. Weird sound.

Sounds almost like footprints, Andre's footprints, but they're not. He's asleep, I think. Yeah, he is asleep.

I didn't see him. Maybe it's the birds in the loft. But yeah, just getting stuck in a decade.

And you like films that were in black and white. I only like cowboy films. Like, come on.

There's lots of stuff out there that you might like. It's not a case of, you know, I'm not saying everyone should listen to music they don't like or watch films they're not interested in. But we don't always know what we like until we've heard it.

We don't know what kind of films we might like. Don't necessarily know what kind of books we might like reading, or what kind of what the TV show until you try it. I was at The Walking Dead, I attempted to watch the first episode of The Walking Dead, about nine times, and didn't get further than probably the first 10 minutes.

Couldn't get into it. Didn't like it. I thought this is just, and it ended up being one of my favorite TV shows.

When The Sopranos first came out, in 2000, I refused to watch it. I mean, I wasn't there wasn't anyone trying to get me to watch it. And I wasn't like stamping my feet.

Yeah, not going to, you can't make me. But I just thought, no, it's just another stupid gangster thing, glamorizing idiots that basically bully other people and glamorizing violence and it's like pathetic. Well, I didn't watch it.

And then one day I did. And I loved it. And it was all those things that I said.

But I absolutely loved it. And it's one of my favorite TV shows. So it's strange, you know, there was another I had this date with this lady.

And back in 19, no, 2004, about January. And it was a blind date. And as it turned out, I just got on better with a dog.

So I just left. No, it was a blind day. It was something like advert in the newspaper.

And I just added, I just put an advert. So I say, yeah, my name is Gayshon. Looking for a nice girlfriend to spend the rest of my life devoted to loving her.

Some kind of lie, just, you know, sort of made up stuff. And I don't know why I said this. I'm desperate.

I'm so desperate. Anyway, I got a letter a week, two weeks later from her and this lady. And I thought, what the heck is this? And it was like, this letter saying, oh, I'm fed up with seeing the new year on my own.

And it's about time. I'd like to settle down. I'd like to have a boyfriend.

But I'd forgotten about putting the advert in the paper. Well, it was a telephone thing. And then they put it in the paper.

I completely forgot about it. I might have been drunk when I did it. I don't know.

And I got this and I'm reading this letter thinking, why are you telling me all this stuff for? I don't care. Why are you telling me about you're watching Only Fools and Horses at Christmas and you're fed up with watching it on your own? Why? Why are you sending it to me? It just seemed a bit random. Why would you send me a letter like that? I don't even know who you are.

And then a few days later, it dawned on me like, oh, wait a minute. I wonder. And she did actually start the letter.

After the first paragraph, because the letter went on for about two pages, both sides of the two pages. But after the first paragraph, she actually said, I saw your advert in the evening paper. So I haven't read that far.

I just read the first paragraph and I just put it down next to the, on top of the, basically just on the toilet floor, just in case it ran out of toilet roll. And I just thought, oh, wait a minute. Because I didn't realize it was like a genuine person.

I thought it was just weird, like some kind of scammy thing, like trying to wonder what she's after. Anyway, I called her up and I said, hello. She said, hello.

Why are you withholding your number? I said, because I don't want you to know who I am. She said, well, the conversation's not going to go very far, is it, if I don't know who you are. I said, okay.

You sent me a letter and you replied to whatever, something. She said, oh, okay. She said, so do you want to meet up? I said, well, why not? That's quick.

She said, yeah, not wasting time. I said, all right then. And I met her on the, it was an evening during the week.

I think it was a Monday or Tuesday evening, something like that. And I met her in a pub that I've never been in before. I think it was the White Horse.

Again, I don't know. It had a white wall anyway, on the outside. And she was in there and I was I was really surprised.

I mean, I was just happy she only had one head. So it's, we went and had a drink and she was determined to, for me to take her home, like with me. And I just didn't really know how to deal with that because I wouldn't be prepared.

And I knew what she didn't know was that my little studio apartment was messy, messy. So I actually had to make her, not make her, ask her to stand outside and wait while I quickly tried to tidy up the room. But she didn't seem to be bothered when she got in, didn't seem to care about the state of the room or anything.

And yeah, and, you know, we sort of just spent the night and she went home. She was a nurse. So I don't know, maybe she felt sorry for me, but she left.

And the weird thing about it was that next day, I had a psychiatric evaluation because I'd been going through like really extreme anxiety and stuff. And the doctor had recommended me to be certified and assessed. So I went along to this assessment and they said, how are you? And I said, I'm brilliant because I've just had a really good night.

Now, if they'd have asked if I'd have gone there any other day, any other morning over the last year and a half, it would have been a very different conversation. But I was high on feeling good. I just felt really, really happy.

It felt nice because I'd held hands with someone. Yep. And I just see an email coming to me.

Dear Jason, when I asked you to say a shout out to my seven-year-old son, did you not realize that he listens to your recordings? I forget. I'll be honest with you. I didn't think that anyone pretty much under the age of like 40 listened to my stuff because according to the podcast stats, my general audience is between 45 and 55.

Anyway, the psychiatrist, basically these two psychologists rather, not psychiatrists, they were questioning me and I was joking around and just being really very light, very bubbly and happy. And I was feeling good, I suppose. I don't know how else to express it.

That's explain and express together, express. And they got together, went out, came back and said, now we think you're fine. And I said, all right.

And you know, it was another, that was like 1994, no 2004, 2004, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11. So it was another seven years, over seven years before I actually got a diagnosis. But because I was in such a good mood, they just thought, oh, he's all right.

So that was a bit weird. And then that evening, she wanted me, this, I forget her name, Nursey, she wanted me to go around her place. And I watched, I wanted to watch EastEnders first.

And she called me, I didn't answer because I was watching EastEnders. What's the point in starting to watch a program? Oh, I've already said this? Yeah, maybe. You know, I'm watching EastEnders.

And then say, oh, what about the, you know, relationships are more important than television. And I'd say, how did you get into my bedroom? Just where did you come from? You live in a different town. And she says, stop being rude.

Sorry, sorry. The only time I ever fell out with my nan, not fell out of her, but really questioned her internally. I should reword that.

There was no internal stuff in my mind. I mean, we was on the Isle of Man, and I didn't drink. I was having a whole year of not drinking.

And we went to the Isle of, the drink is not really relevant to the story, but we were in the Isle of, on the Isle of Man with my dad and my nan and, yeah, a couple of people. My aunt, and my aunt was living there. So we kind of just, it's like a little family get together.

The last one ever, actually. And everyone else went to the pub, and I didn't bother going because I don't drink. What's the point? Plus, the Isle of Man lived up to its name.

There was no women there. I didn't see one woman the whole time, pretty much. And I don't know why, but it's definitely, it just seems to be a manly island, not manly, but just full of men.

Well, it was then anyway, unless of course it wasn't. And I said, no, I'll just stay here. And it was Thursday, or it might have been Friday evening.

Yeah, Friday evening. And I was watching, I was watching something on telly, and my nan was there as well. The thing is, I'm sure they were both on the same channel, but no, for whatever, whatever.

I think I was probably watching Top of the Pops, but maybe on BBC too. But it was definitely a music program with the childs. My nan wanted to watch Strictly Come Dancing on a different channel.

Okay. And I'm just ignoring her, trying to, I'm just like, oh, I'm going to watch this. It's only on for another 20 minutes.

She did not stop moaning about the music. Now, it's not like the music I used to listen to. What do you mean? Like just banging bricks together.

Didn't even have music instruments, did they, when you were young? Didn't say that. Oh, it's just noise. It's just noise.

She's going on and on and on and on. And I didn't like her at all in that moment. It's the only time ever in my life, you know, of knowing that I just, you don't like you.

So I just said, yeah, do you want, I said, there you go. And I just went and laid down in the garden or something. Really wound me up, which just proves really that I could never have lived with her.

I really, you know, she was pretty much my favorite person that I've ever known. You know, I just, I was close to her. I don't think I could ever have lived with her.

I think if I'd have lived with her, we would have fell out. Yeah, I think pretty much. I think that would happen with most, maybe not, I don't know, maybe, I don't know.

Could I live with anyone? I don't know anymore. Might be possible, but I've never lived with a woman. Like, you know, proper adult relationship that people do.

Never done it, ever. I had girlfriends, lots of girlfriends. Well, not lots, but, you know, had a few who've had their own places and have stayed over.

I've never lived. Yeah, the closest is I had a girlfriend who was a nurse, another nurse. And back in 2006, no, 1996.

And I had her, yeah, for about six months. When I got a new place to live, I was living with my friend. She used to stay over with me, sort of sleep in my bed.

And although I didn't live with her, you know, she was, I don't know if I gave her a key. I hope not. No, I don't know.

But she knew she was welcome anytime. With notice, at least two weeks notice. And I suppose that was the closest.

There was another girlfriend I had when I moved into this, this is the room I had before I lived there, before I moved here. And I said, and she worked just up the road from where I was living. And I said to her, I said, look, you can stay here anytime you want.

And she's one of the first people that I actually felt comfortable enough to do that with. In fact, I actually asked my landlord if he could sort of set me up with a bigger room, so that me and her could live together. And I remember him saying, it's just quite weird.

He looked at her and he said, you don't really want to live with him, do you? And she nodded, said, no, I don't. Please tell him you haven't got any rooms. And she said, oh, yeah, sorry, I haven't got any rooms.

It's the only one I've got. I haven't got any bigger ones. Sorry, mate.

I said, I'm sitting right here. I can hear you both talking. I was here for the entire interaction.

He said, yeah, I know. A little bit rude, don't you think? He said, yeah, I reckon it was a bit rude, but you should speak to her. It wasn't me.

I said, it was you. You're the one that said, do you really want to live with him? Yeah, but come on. No, what do you mean, come on? You know, no, I don't know.

Oh, going, oh, oh, is not going to make me understand what you're thinking. Stop having to laugh. Do it look like I'm laughing? He said, that wasn't a real sentence, was it? I said, no, no.

Why'd you say that? I said, well, because I ran out of things to say. And this conversation just got a bit boring. I just, I lost interest.

He said, yeah, I understand. I did as well. In fact, if I'm honest, I wasn't even interested at the beginning.

I don't understand why you're being so rude today. Because you're boring. Yeah, I'm supposed to be boring.

What do you mean you're supposed to be boring? Well, that's the whole point of the podcast. What podcast? The podcast I'm doing here. I'm not doing any podcast.

Oh, yeah. Does that mean I'm just boring? Yep. That's not quite so good then, is it? Doesn't affect me.

Oh, okay. You can go now if you want. Yeah, I know I can.

Get out of my house. I think you'll find that I own the house and three other houses in the road. Because I am the landlord.

Can we end the conversation now, please? Okay. Bye-bye. And that was it, really.

That was all it was. That's all she said. That's all she wrote.

Jump in my car if you're so bored. Like a King Creole. Anyway.

Yeah, that's that. Is it? Oh, by the way, for those that would like to do a shout out, there is now a shout out page on my website. Just click on that in the menu.

This is called shout out. And you can fill the form in and tell me what you want me to say and which podcast you want me to say it on. Thank you.

So I'm going to go. Take care of yourselves. Remember, remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy.

Lots of love. Bye. Bye-bye-bye.