#364 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (31st March 2020)

Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com, the grooviest website made by me. And my name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You to Sleep.

Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. I'm wondering what Andre's doing. He's up to something.

I'm watching him. He's sniffing the floor like he's caught the scent of something. I wonder what it is.

I don't know. Who knows? Oh dear, oh dear. I've been busy today.

Busy, busy, busy, busy, busy. Busy, busy, busy, busy, busy. Hello, mate.

Want to cuddle? You can cuddle. I think his back legs are starting to get weaker. I know I keep going on about it, but I shouldn't do though, really, because he's still young, aren't you? Eh? You're not even five yet, are you? No.

I'm a big boy though, daddy. Yeah, you are a big boy, but you're only a boy. You're still my little boy.

Even when you're a hundred, you'll still be my little boy. That's just perverted. No, it's not perverted.

You're a sicko. No, I'm not. Why would you say such a thing? You're very rude.

You're rude. Yeah, sometimes, but I want to say you'll always be my little baby. Because you're weird.

No, it's because I love you so much. Yeah, but that makes you weird. What does it make me weird, Andre? Because you can't form adult relationships with human beings.

That is very rude. Well, sometimes the truth hurts, doesn't it? Yeah, there's no need for that though, is there? Behave yourself. No, I don't have to.

You can't make me. Yes, I can. No, you can't.

You haven't yet. You're nearly five years, and you've never made me do anything. Andre, behave.

I think he's quite happy because I've got some bubble wrap. He loves the bubble wrap, don't you? Loves the bubble wrap. Let me just test the other.

He's able to grip on the other foot. His right foot is not so grippy as the left foot. It's the little things I notice.

I just hope he's okay. Maybe he sprained his leg. I can't take him to the vet or anything.

I can't afford to. Can we not do that? He seemed happy. I took him for a walk earlier.

He's having a good old sniff around everything. Went to the garage, and it was, we left here about 10 o'clock. I needed to get some milk, and I thought while I'm there, I'll get a pack of Cokes and a couple of chocolate bars, you know.

And I bloked behind the counter. I thought I'd be nice to him, you know. Do something different.

So I thought I'd say, hello, how are you getting on? And he said, no. I wouldn't really understand what he was saying. He was sort of mumbling a bit.

I said, he said, watch out for the police. I said, what? He said, watch out for the police. I said, there's no one else in here.

I'm paying for the items, aren't I? He said, no, you're not supposed to be out this time of night. I mean, unless he thinks I've got a tag on or something, and you know, I've got a curfew, but he thinks I'm really young and I should be in bed by nine. I said, what do you mean, you're not allowed out at this time of night? I said, surely this is the best time of night for me to come out because there's no one else around.

There's no one queuing behind me. I'm not queuing behind anybody else. I didn't see one person and the garage is open and it's not just open for petrol.

So I don't know what he was on about. I don't remember seeing anything like that on the news that we're not allowed out after nine o'clock or after 10 o'clock. And milk, I do believe, is an essential food item.

And if I choose to buy something else along with the milk, then it's up to me. And if we're not allowed to buy anything else that's non-essential, then it's up to the stores to make sure that no one's allowed to buy them. So take it all off the shelves.

I'd like to see what that garage would look like when all the non-essential items was removed. All the chocolate bars, all the cakes, all the cans of fizzy drink and lager, all the wine, all the cigarettes, all the alcohol, all the lighters, all the things. Yeah, there wouldn't be much left at all, you know.

There'd be a couple of boxes of cereal, some sugar, some milk, a bit of bread, and I mean crisps, I suppose, not essential, but they're definitely useful because they're a nice little accomplishment to a dry sandwich. Hello. I love you.

I don't know. I don't know. I'm gonna get down.

You go and play. So yeah, I do kind of wonder, you know, if something's non-essential, then don't put it on the shelves. Of course, you know, a chocolate bar is not an essential item, but I didn't go to the garage to buy a chocolate bar.

I went to buy milk. Yeah, and then I thought, you know what? I'll get some chocolate bars. I'll treat myself.

And I wasn't expected to get any Coke because normally they're out of Coke, even on a good day. But they had some cans in the fridge full of Cokes. And I only had seven pound on me anyway, so I didn't have enough to buy more than one pack of four.

So I just bought one pack, got the milk and a couple of chocolate bars, and that was pretty much all the money gone. So I don't know, maybe maybe he just doesn't want me to go back. Maybe he's saying that to all the customers so that he hasn't got to do anything all night long because he's there at night.

So maybe, I don't know. But a weird, weird thing to say, isn't it? If it's not true as well. Plus, plush, plush, plush.

I was out Friday and Saturday, unfortunately. I really didn't want to be out either of those days, but I had to. And I personally didn't see one police car or one police person walk in.

No police cars, nothing. The same as tonight, didn't see any police. So I don't know where they are.

And I'm hoping, I'm hoping that I don't, hoping not to go out all until two weeks time. But don't know if that's realistic. I do, I'm going to need milk.

I can make a loaf of bread last for one, two, three, four, five. Yeah, about a week. I can make a loaf of bread.

A loaf of bread lasts about a week. It's in the freezer. So I probably need to get another loaf of bread.

I need to get some more milk in about two or three days. Got enough coffee, got enough sugar. So I've got two bags of sugar in the cupboard, which I got before, you know, a few weeks back.

A lot of stuff. I've got enough breakfast cereal to last me for about three months. So there's a special offer on the microwave porridge.

Again, this is pre, pre-excess shopping. And so I just bought loads of them because they had like half price. So I thought, yeah, I'll get them because I like, I like to have a porridge.

It's really good because you pour it, you split open the pack. I think you get seven in a pack. So it's one for a week, I think.

One box a week. And I've got about 700. No, I don't know how many.

You strip it off a nice good strip and then you pour the contents into a bowl. And then you pour milk into that same packet and you put it up to the, up to the line. Then you pour that milk into the bowl on top of the porridge oats, put it in the microwave for, I don't know how long it is, three minutes or something.

It's done. So that's quite nice to know that my breakfast is sorted for the next three months. So that's cool.

And as I said, that was just something I got anyway, because special offer. So I thought I'll have some of those. And they're clearly trying to get rid of them because they're in the entrance as you walked into the Iceland.

This is about a month ago now, actually. And I just piled them on, like, yeah, I'll have that. And yeah, so kitchen roll, I've got enough.

Don't use that much kitchen roll. A few slices all day. Slices.

Yeah. Not episodes, not pieces, not strips. Squares, you know, the bit between the perforations.

Sheets, sheets. I don't know, it depends. If I haven't got a towel to dry my hands with, sometimes I will use a you know, a bit of kitchen roll.

Sometimes if I've just washed up a plate, and I need to use the plate, but the plate is still wet, because I just washed it up. But I don't want to wait for the plate to naturally dry, because it's still wet, because I just, you know, washed it up. And sometimes I think, you know what, I don't want to wait for it to dry, because I want to eat now.

And I don't use towels to dry plates. I just let the plates dry naturally, and then stack them onto the compost heap, because it's all about cleanliness. Can't be using dirty towels for cleaning dishes.

And sometimes I use a bit of kitchen roll. I'll be honest, in the past, I was probably quite generous to myself with a kitchen roll. You know, sometimes I'd have two, two sheets, two dollops of kitchen roll.

Maybe three even. Or sometimes I'd even just wrap it around my hand, and just pretend I've got a broken arm, and then use it to clean the plate, and screw up into a ball, and kick it around the kitchen. Doesn't happen that often.

I'm just saying, perhaps I was a little bit generous with the kitchen roll experience. But now, I'm being a little bit more mindful. And maybe, maybe instead of chucking it away, when I finish kicking it around the kitchen, I'll put it in the freezer, so it's kept nice and fresh.

And yeah, I can kick it around again the next day. But it's no good for wiping plates. Doesn't dry plates once it's been in the freezer, I found out.

So, I've got enough kitchen roll. I've probably got four. There's not many, to be fair.

But I can get by without kitchen roll. It's not what I would class an essential. I think it would be a, like a lower tier on the grade of essential things and items.

It'd be lower tier. I'm trying to think what the highest tier would be. I suppose, let me think.

Highest tier. I suppose, just food, you know, food, food. Say it one more time, food, food.

So, I've got my freezer full of stuff. I've got two freezers, so they're both full. So, that's good.

That's good. I'm trying to eat things slowly. I mean, I don't mean taking three hours per mouthful.

I mean, like, physically, go really slow. But just, you know, perhaps having a cooked meal every two days and the rest of the time having a sandwich. You're kind of alternating, you know.

And other things, water for me is an essential. I like bottled water, but not a lot of it at the moment. And I don't know what I'm really going to do when I run out.

I know the tap's there, but I don't know, just, drinking out of a tap feels a little bit like just drinking a dinosaur's wee-wee, you know. It's kind of, those rusty pipes and stuff. So, yeah, I don't know.

I just, I like bottled water. So, I'm gonna, you know, hopefully get some of that. If it comes to it, I'll just buy the more expensive ones so you can get in the garage.

The ones other people don't want to buy. Yeah, like two pound for a bottle or something. But it's only, you know, it's only short term, so it's okay.

And what other things will I class as an essential? Sugar. I think an essential would be something that when you run out of it, you realize it's an essential product. So, sugar.

Milk. Breakfast cereal. Coffee.

Or, you know, teabags, I guess, for people that drink tea. Those kind of things can be essential. And I've noticed if I've got no chocolate, if I go a few days without chocolate, I start to crave it.

Just something with a chocolate in it. And it doesn't happen that often. But it has happened often enough for me to remember it happening at some point in the past.

It's not like a regular thing because I've really got no chocolate. You know, you should have something in the fridge. Just a Twix or a chocolate ghetto.

You know, just general stuff that we all keep around. Tiramisu. Chocolate eclairs.

Of course, in my bedroom there's a chocolate fountain. You know, the stuff that we all have in our homes. It's just... I... What other things? Other things, I think things like deodorant or soap.

Shampoo. The things that, again, when you run out of it, it's like, oh, okay. Wait a minute.

I'm now going to pong toothpaste. Oh, now my mouth's going to taste like a badger's butt for the next 17 hours. And, of course, I'll buy some toothpaste.

I remember once I was going to... I had a... It was a hypnosis course in London that I was going to. So I got really early. And I think I had a bath and just like, but proper early in the morning.

Run to the train station. Just catch the train. Get there.

And I realized that I'm sweating. And I've got no deodorant on. And I'm thinking, oh, brilliant.

Well, I didn't think brilliant, but like I was being sarcastic to myself. And I thought, oh, so the first day everyone's going to know me as being stinky, stinky Jason. I thought, great.

It's bad enough that everyone I've ever met has called me that now, new people. So I thought, no, I'll get some deodorant in one of the shops in London. Because there's loads of shops in London.

You're never, never far away from a shop, usually. Unless, of course, you are. And I went into this little convenience corner shop.

I couldn't see any deodorant that was like normal. You know, those sort of weird names. And I think that they didn't have any sure, sure deodorant.

They had one called Probably. You know, it was kind of, I was really, I didn't know. So I thought, yeah, I'll have that.

And so I took that and I sprayed it. I think I did it in the street, actually, which would be weird. But so I sprayed it in my arms and stuff, under my arms.

It stung, really stung. Really, really, really, really. It's like patting your cheeks after you've had a shave and it starts to sting.

And you can't sit down for about an hour until it stops stinging. But, you know, it's just, I just, so I think it was like too good a deodorant or it was very impatient. I think that's what it was.

It was an impatient deodorant. So I got in there, sprayed it, and suddenly, come on, give me some sweat, give me some sweat, give me some sweat, give me some sweat. If you're going to give me some sweat, I'm going to soak it out of you.

So yeah, that's, it just was very stingy, very stingy. And at the end of the day, when I finished, because I knew I had deodorant at home, I just forgot to spray myself with it. I actually gave it to a homeless person who's outside the tube station.

I said, you can have that if you want, mate. He said, oh, thanks. You know, so I gave it to him.

I'm walking, he shouts back at me, oy, you can keep this crap, probably. And you're like, okay, even he didn't want it. So I just chucked it in the bin, I think.

Yeah, I did. Or did I give it to my dad for Christmas present? I'm not sure. I wouldn't dare give my dad a present like that.

Nothing that's useful, no. Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, malt, scotch, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, that's all he wants. You gotta respect someone who knows what they want.

Whiskey. If I gave him a present like deodorant, or shampoo, or he would just, yeah, I think he'd disown me. I think he'd actually say, get out.

Like a Christmas morning, isn't it? Out. You're no longer my son. But dad, but you haven't opened the second present yet.

Like, don't care, get out. You know, kind of like walking down the street. What am I going to do? How am I going to get home? I can't even get a taxi home.

How am I going to get home? And then my brother comes out running after me, because he's at the dinner as well. He said, JJ. I said, what, what? I didn't say what, what.

I didn't say what twice. But he did say JJ. Or twice.

Not JJ twice, J twice. JJ. I looked back.

I said, you know what? He said, dad's forgiven you. It's fine. He's okay now.

I said, so he did open the second present then eventually. He said, yeah, yeah. Bottle of scotch.

Oh, girl. It's, it's one of those things. It's one of those things.

I've got some really rubbish presents over the years, which is a shame because when I was a kid, the one thing I cannot, I cannot, um, judge my family for when I was a kid is presents. We got some groovy presents when we were kids. Got proper spoiled.

So from the age of seven, I've got no presents up to the age of seven, but from the age of seven, they decided they liked me as a friend. No, from the age, when I moved to my dad's and his new wife, who I called mum, at seven and onwards, we had presents like proper, you know, my dad was self-employed and he worked all the hours, but he really, and he also really went to town at Christmas. Like, he couldn't, he couldn't want a better Christmas.

I don't think anywhere. It's, you know, it's, he just loves Christmas. He still does.

And I think that was the hardest part of the family when it split up when I was about 15, 14, 15, 15, yeah, like the second time. But when it all kind of went, there was no longer that Christmas. There was no longer, I never ever got to experience a Christmas with my dad, my mum, my second mum, but you know, but she was my mum, my dad, my mum and my three brothers.

Never got to ever to experience Christmas like that ever again. And it just never felt the same. Hasn't felt the same since that time.

Even 63 years later, I'm still, I think the point, I think the good thing about Christmas in my house when I was a kid is I had three brothers. When I was born, I had two older brothers. They're older than me.

And then when I was eight, I had another brother that popped out that my mum pooed out when she was, yeah, when I was eight. And same head, same size head. He was born with the same size head as he's got now.

Exactly the same face. And you might think that's being rude. I do say it to him.

But he's really handsome. He's a really handsome man. It just looked a bit weird on a child to be this adult with an adult head, stubble, smoke in a pipe.

No, but he does look exactly the same as he did when he was a kid. And anyone can argue me saying that's ridiculous. That's ridiculous.

And his girlfriends in the past probably thought I'm being rude and stuff. Have a look at a picture of him when he was seven. And then turn around and look at his face now.

Look back at that picture. Now, can you see a similarity? Can you guess who that picture is? And if you keep looking around enough times, you start to forget which one is the picture and which one is him now. It's true.

And I've got a real soft spot for him. It's weird. It's not weird, but I do.

I've got a lot of, I've got a soft spot for my little brother. We're very different. Very different people.

But I don't know, it's just, maybe it is because he's my brother, I suppose. I mean, I haven't had much contact with the others, but I've had continuous contact with my little brother his whole life. But it's rare, you know, maybe once or twice a year, because he lives different part of the country to me.

There's more cases when we get together for family occasions, you know. And there's one year, I think it was 2014. We got together quite a few times, but unfortunately it was because of funerals, you know, so that was quite a busy year.

But he's a good lad, you know, and he's not a lad either. He's 41 or 40. 41.

Yeah, 41. Blimey, 41. And he's an IT expert, like builds websites and stuff like that.

But he does more than that. He just, he basically decided to change his kind of direction in life quite a while back. And because he used to be a go-go dancer, and he decided that he was just being treated like a piece of meat.

Although the money was good, but he found he kept getting rashes and stuff. And anyway, so he decided to change his, he wasn't really a go-go dancer by the way, in case you, in case he's just had an interview with you and you're trying to figure out what he's like as a person. Give him a job because he's amazing and he's dedicated to what he does.

Forget about the go-go dancing. We all make mistakes. We've all got a past.

And then, you know, I think being a pimp didn't really suit him. So he gave that up after about 10 years. Again, he wasn't really a pimp.

What other things, I'm not going to tell you anything real about him. No, he decided to get into IT long after I got into IT in fact, because I got into website building in 2000. But he was still selling.

I think he had sales jobs, a really good salesman. And I think he decided he wanted, he's interested in gadgets, he's interested in information technology, you know, he's just generally, he's just a whiz, it just naturally comes to him. But he's also willing to work really hard as well to learn stuff.

So he doesn't rely on just natural ability. He studies and he decided he wanted to change track and get into IT. So he got a job and then he moved into the IT department, something like that.

But he learned as he went along. So he was studying in the evenings and at weekends, went on courses. The company sent him on courses and then he started to learn new things so he could do the websites and all this stuff.

And now I think he moved and got another job and then he's the IT manager of the company. And he's been there for quite a while, quite a few years. And I think, I'm not sure if he's got a new job, but he's there.

I think he's still there. But he's just like, he knows his stuff, he really learns it. So if I get stuck with an IT issue, I'll call him up and say, look, help me out.

Like if there's a boxing, if there's some boxing I want to watch and I can't afford to pay for it. Or just snotted. I better blow my nose.

Or should I let it drip? That's wrong, let's wipe it on the carpet. So there was this one time, this is not going to be a nice story, but it's funny. But it's not nice.

It's not horrible, but it's a bit gross. It's a bit eww. But it's funny as well.

In 2009, I signed on just for a few months. Unemployment for literally probably two months, three months. And I went in for an interview, but I had a cold.

I had a cold. But unfortunately, when the job center says you have to go in, in normal circumstances, you have to go in. Otherwise they stop your money.

And so I had to go in, have an interview. And I think they were just checking how I was getting on or whatever. I'd been unemployed for about a month at that point.

I don't think I'd even received any money yet. And I went in there, but it's cold. So I was kind of, I was sitting there.

I was about to blow my nose because my nose is full of, full of, you know, stuff. I was about to give myself a good old blow. And in came two ladies that I just, like, very entranced by.

One particularly, but she was a very beautiful lady. And she smiled at me and she sat down. And I'll be honest, I know it's shallow and I don't care.

It's true as well. You know, it's the truth. It's just the truth.

Whatever label you want to give it, shallow or pathetic or ridiculous, it doesn't matter. Makes no difference. It's true.

I didn't want to blow my nose in front of her. I didn't want to get some toilet roll, which it would have been, and just go, you know, make a big horn sound. And in the hope that I could catch most of it.

I didn't want to do that in front of her. Also felt a bit weird having a cold in the summer. Because it was, this was probably June.

But it just happened to be, you know, one of those things. So I kept it in. And I'm looking down because I couldn't look at her.

Because all I could feel was my nose dribbling. But it wasn't. I was keeping it, keeping it up.

I kept trying to do it quietly. And my bag was at my feet. And in comes, I don't know if it was a man or a woman, I forget, to sort of ask me to come through, you know, to see them to their to their desk.

Mr. Newland, Mr. Jason Newland. I said, Yeah, if you'd like to follow me, please. So I stand up.

I go to walk and I realized I've got my bag. I bend down to put my bag. And my nose just, let's go.

I'm talking. The complete opposite to what I wanted to do in front of that lady. That went in front of any human being, to be fair.

I'd be embarrassed doing it in front of a frog, or a chicken, or an elephant, you know, maybe not an elephant. They've got thick skin. And I, it just went everywhere.

I was just so embarrassed. I really, it's just, it was, I just thought, what should I do? Should I just, just wipe my nose and walk in? Or should I clean it all off the chair? I just, you know, I didn't know what to do. So I just left it.

I didn't realize it was just snot. But yeah, it was just really weird. This hasn't happened very often.

Another weird thing, quite embarrassing thing that happened to me years ago, when I worked in a bakery in Walthamstow, East London. I, is it East Walthamstow or East East London? But it's kind of moving towards North London, isn't it Walthamstow? It's East 17. It says Walthamstow is actually East 17, East 17.

It's named after the band, East 17, because they were from Walthamstow. So they thought, you know what? We're going to name this area after them. That's what happened.

Honest guv, it's true. Square on me squirrel, it's true. And I was working really long hours.

Proper long. I mean, talking sometimes double shifts. And I was coming home on the bus.

And it was busy period. I might have even been working in the, the kitchen at the time before, before I actually worked in the bakery itself. So I worked in the canteen serving people food.

And some of the reasons I'd be tired is because I was also going to clubs in the evening, going to comedy clubs. Sometimes I wouldn't get home until like one o'clock in the morning, then I have to be up six to get to work for seven. So I didn't always get enough sleep and I'd just be falling asleep.

Well, on this occasion, and I think, I think, I think, I think, yeah, it was just, I was sitting on the top of the bus, not on top of the bus, on the top landing of the bus, kind of opposite the stairs, but maybe not exactly opposite, but near. So I'm on the left hand side. So you can see the pavement for my, well, not all the pavements.

And by the way, the pavement is what some countries called a sidewalk for some reason. And I was just, I fell asleep basically. And I remember which bus stop it is because there was one right at the end, just the crossing of Leabridge Road and the road that led to the bakery, which I can't remember.

The name doesn't come to me, but Leabridge Road, very big road in East London. It's kind of Leighton, Leabridge, Leighton, Leightonstone. Anyway, I wake up, I'm asleep.

I wake up and there's a huge crowd of people at the bus stop, all looking up at me. And I'm basically stuck to the window and I've been dribbling and proper dribbling, like all over my chin, over my, I just hit the microphone there, sorry. Ooh, all over my chin.

See, as you do the actions, I'm touching my chin. I'm talking about my chin. I don't touch every part that I'm talking about because I talked about my feet.

I'm not going to reach down and touch my feet. But I was dribbling and it was just all over the window, all over this. Basically I flooded the entire top part of the bus.

Very embarrassing. Very, very embarrassing. And it's in the winter as well, so I'm stuck, actually stuck to the window.

So yeah, that's another thing that was quite embarrassing. I think some things that are embarrassing and that I've done in public, other people haven't known about. For example, I'm guessing a lot of people have done this at some point or another, especially people living in London or in a city where there's a tube, an underground train, where you're sitting there, as well as people on overground trains, maybe even buses, where you fall asleep and you miss your stop and then you wake up.

And for me, it's happened a few times. But I was on the Central line and the Central line is a long, I think it's the longest line on the underground. And it literally goes from, I think, Hainault, all the way up to Ealing Broadway.

I think Hainault might be the last stop. But Ealing Broadway is, although I think Ealing Broadway even goes even further up to Richmond. I might be wrong.

But anyway, there's comedy clubs pretty much on every stop, various places, also around Essex, around Middlesex, and around Hertfordshire. So all the surrounding areas of London, plus all of the inner areas, the inner areas, all had like little pubs with comedy nights and stuff. Loads of them all over the place.

Back then, this probably still is. I don't know. I lived in London for some while.

And what was I talking about? Yeah, I think I woke up at Ealing Broadway. And I was supposed to be getting off at Stratford. And it's a long way.

And I think it was the end of the track, but also the end, the last train. So I ended up having to get a taxi back. Mind you, Ealing Broadway is a nice place.

I don't know what it's like. I don't know if it's nice or not, but it's a nice place. Don't know what it's like, but it's nice.

And I used to go, there used to be the, what was it? The Ealing, Ealing, I think it just might have been called the Ealing Comedy Club. And then, because we used to have the Ealing comedies, didn't we? The films, Ealing comedies, I guess, that were made in Ealing. There was the, now I'm thinking now, did Ealing have the Board Cat Comedy Club? Was that Ealing? What's the place where they play rugby? Not Wimbledon, because that's Newcastle.

Wimbledon. It's not Ealing. The Bearcat Club.

I wonder if that was Ealing. And there might be more than one comedy club in Ealing, to be fair. But I think it might be the Bearcat Club.

And the Bearcat Club was this big room. And it was in the back of a pub. So basically at the pub, in the back was this room, it was big.

And I would say, held at least, at least a couple of hundred people, if not more. And you might say, well, that's not very big, but they're sitting down, they weren't standing up. So everyone was sitting next to each other.

But not, not everyone was sitting next to each other. It wasn't just one big wide room, you know, because you'd have to be about a mile wide, wouldn't you, to have 200 people. But it might be even more.

But the Bearcat Club, it was a nice stage and pretty sure it was on a Monday night, or Friday night. I think it was on one night a week, but I might be wrong. I'd have to, I wonder if there's any way of finding out on the internet, because this is the early 90s.

Well, all the way through the 90s, it might still be running. And the people that ran it were really nice. And they used to let me go and do open spots.

So I'd go in and basically tryouts, be it like a tryout spot, didn't get paid. But they used to let me go on. And if I remember rightly, the audience weren't horrible to me.

I mean, I'm sure they're all individually wonderful, wonderful people. But as a group, sometimes the comedy audience can be unforgiving, a little, little, little, little, little bit impatient, just a little, little, little, little bit. And I, Wembley, not Wembley, Wimbledon, Wembley, Ealing, Stratton, Stratton, Stratton, I used to go there.

And I used to be the, what was it called? The Comedy Pit. The Comedy Pit, P-I-T. And it used to be run by, was it DJ? I think it was DJ.

And he had another name as well. And he used to be, he was quite stocky, probably a little bit taller than me, maybe the same height, not particularly tall, long hair, very long. I had long hair as well.

So I think that's, I think that's really why we loved each other so much. And he was really rough in a sense of how he talked. And the thing is, he clearly loved comedy because he kept opening comedy nights mainly around Stratton and Brixton and places where nobody wanted to go at night at that time.

I didn't care because I was used to it, but you kind of could get a little bit stuck, you know, kind of, how do I get home now? Because it wasn't just quite rough areas. It's also that it wasn't easy always to get home from South London back to East London due to the tubes. And with Brixton, with Stratton, it was sort of sometimes relying on overground trains and buses.

And if you don't know the area, it's not as easy to be able to know where the buses are coming and where they're going and that stuff. But clearly I managed because, you know, I'm here. So I got through it.

Oh wow. I am the comedy pit. There's someone on TV.

Again, I just fall in love with her. Who is she? Becky, Jeff, Abby, Ben, Ella. It's on BBC One News and she's basically just cleaning everything.

But I want to marry her. I think I might be going for midlife crisis. I'm starting to feel the need for love.

And I don't like that idea. I do. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I do.

I think maybe one day. I don't know. See, I've met people online, like, you know, that live in other countries.

And, you know, I've even talked to some people, you know, Skype and Facebook message, you know, like cameras, whether it's sort of just typing and stuff or on the phone. You know, quite a few over the years. And those people I could very likely have a relationship.

I get on with them. You know what I mean? Those people. But they live in other countries.

So it's just not practical. It's like it can't happen. Someone lives in America or Canada or Australia, South Africa or Egypt or wherever.

And it's just Norway. Oh, I want a Norwegian girlfriend. But you know, it's just if I see someone on a bus or in town or whatever, when I do go out, they don't see me as what I am.

Well, does that make sense? They don't see me as, for me, who I am is this. I make these recordings. That's who I am.

I'm not just a 49 year old man, random, just, you know, sitting on a bus, you know, kind of, I don't know. I don't know how to really explain. And there's more to everybody, isn't there? That's the thing.

Nobody's just a random person sitting on a bus. Everybody's got something and they do something or they've done something or they're going to do something amazing. You know, it's, you know, it's strange.

There used to be a time when if I saw someone on a bus or a train, I'd start talking to them. And I ended up going on lots of dates because of that. And something changed along the time.

And along the way, something changed. So it's like something happened and I stopped doing it. It might have been a court case.

I don't know. But I just don't, I don't do it anymore. I don't really talk to anyone.

But I used to. I'd end up sitting next to someone on the train, especially if it's a long journey. And at the end of it, I'm best mates with them.

It's almost like we're soul sisters, you know. And I don't know, I think maybe it's because it's that short period of time I've, I can show the best of me. It's like, here's the best of Jason.

And I can make him laugh and I can be, I tend to be interested. I can show interest in what they're saying and maybe, you know, so there's none of the grumpiness. There's none of the self pity.

There's none of the, the world's against me. I didn't have the perfect childhood. You know, like I normally am sometimes.

And it's almost like I can, the best, the best of me seems to pop out in those situations. Not that they really happen, hardly ever now, because I rarely go out. But yeah, it's weird, isn't it weird? The amount of people that I've met on ferries, on boats, actually just, it's the same thing, ferries and boats.

I need to always, I'll meet someone, get talking to a female, because I've generally traveled on my own quite a lot. And I'll talk to men as well. I'm not, you know, it's not that I'm looking out for women.

I'm not some kind of, yeah, I am, looking out for women. No, I'm not. I just don't really find talking to men, but I've never really enjoyed talking to men.

I find women more interesting. And I know that's probably sexist to say that. And it's probably very limiting.

And I've got male friends I've had, and I have had, and I enjoy talking to men at work, you know, have a laugh and stuff. But most of my best friends really have been women. Over the years, since I kind of really hit my thirties, it was women that I spent most of my time with as friends, not in any other way.

I just find, I don't know, there's just, maybe it's because I'm chatty. And I don't know what it is, really, I'm not sure. I don't really care, really.

I just, I appreciate the female mind. And that's a bit cliched, because females don't have the same mind, just like men don't have the same mind. But there's, I think what it is, I think what it is, is being friends with a woman means I can be myself, the version of myself that I'd want to be if that friend was my girlfriend, but the version that I wouldn't get away with being if she was my girlfriend.

So I don't have to put up with anything that I don't like that annoys me, and I can make fun of them, and I can walk away, and I don't have to answer the phone if I don't want to, as a good name also. So I think it's, I like having friends as women, or women as friends rather. And it's not a purposeful thing either, it just happens.

When I started working at Churchill, and I was really good friends, really close with Naomi. I mean, proper close, best mates, really close. And nothing ever happened with us.

I can't, yeah, nothing, well it didn't, nothing ever happened, but we were really close, really, you know. And she was kind of my first female friend, because I spent most of my time working with men. I was working really horrible jobs, dirty jobs, manual jobs in factories.

I think I only had one job where I was working with women, and that was the strip club. But I was just a cleaner, so no one, it's really bad, isn't it, when you're in a strip club, and you're still the lowest down on the scale of employees. And I then worked, yeah, in security, didn't work with one woman, which has surprised me, it's nice, I don't know why.

There were women working there, but I just didn't work with any. And then, well I don't know if there was any, there was a, I didn't ever meet any females doing the job, but I'm sure there must have been. There was a female supervisor that used to come around and check on us all.

Oh, she was, she was annoying, really strict, you know. When she came, knocked on the door, she expected, especially, she expected the security guard to be awake and not to be in a sleeping bag. Even more so, when the security guard was on a night shift.

So it was really, really strict. And I remember once she came round when I was working in the nurse's home, and I was dating, dating someone that had worked there, that lived there rather. And the girl, the, there was this encasement, like a glass, like a little office, but it was encased in glass, door was locked, there was enough room, probably three receptions, and I guess during the day, it had people in there that used to look after the, the building, part of the hospital.

But at night, the security guard took, took over it, and there'd just be one security guard there, me. And then at weekends, there'd be, you know, 24 hours. I don't think they had security during the day, during the week.

Well, there was one night, and I said, I was dating my girlfriend, she was my girlfriend, and I met her there. And she, yeah, we started dating and going out and stuff, but I kind of kept it quiet because security guards weren't supposed to date this, the people living there. And she, I want to say a nurse at home, she wasn't like, you know, 80s or anything, wasn't like a nursing home, nurse's home, she was a training nurse, a student nurse.

Well, anyway, this, the doors were all locked, my doors, and also the outer door. So the buzzer goes, and I say, yeah, hello, who is it? Jason Newland, securityguard.com. How can I help? And she says, yeah, it's Pat, it's Pat. That's nothing like how she sounded, and that probably wasn't her name, but it was the supervisor.

I said, damn it. Now, she walks, she's walked straight in. She has the key to get in anyway, she doesn't even have to do the buzzer, because all the security guards in that area had keys to all the buildings.

And so she's up at the window, comes straight up. She said, are you all right, Jason? I said, yes, thanks, Mrs. Pat. And she says, how's it going tonight? Have you filled in your sheet? Because we had to fill a sheet in every hour to say what's happened, has anything happened? And, you know, nothing's happened.

There's the occasional thing, but not much. I said, yes, Mrs. Pat filled it in. She said, that's very good, very good, Mr. Jason.

And she said, perhaps I should come and have a little sit down with you for a bit, and have a cup of coffee. And I thought, oh, because my girlfriend was underneath the table. And I thought, oh, you know, and she was looking up at me, trying not to laugh out loud.

You know, it was like, it's L-O-Q, just laugh out quietly. And I'm thinking, I'm definitely going to get sacked. Because if she'd been standing up there, when she walked in, I could have just made an excuse saying, I'm helping her out.

She wanted me to show her something. You know, I could have fought on my feet. But I was sitting down when she came in.

And it was a very, I was like, oh, I said, oh, I haven't got any coffee. Will I have some tea then? Mrs. Pat, I haven't got any tea. How about some Horlicks? But Mrs. Pat, I haven't got any.

Oh, wait a minute. Yeah, I've got Horlicks, yeah. Well, you'll have some Horlicks then.

Oh, but the kettle doesn't work. What do you mean, the kettle doesn't work? I said, there's been, um, the kettle doesn't work. Yeah, it doesn't work.

But the kettle was working earlier when I came here. It was working fine, Mr. Jason. I said, yeah, but Mrs. Pat, there's, um, a power cut.

There's a power cut. She said, but how come all the lights are on then? I said, it was just very localised power cut. Very specific.

Just to that kettle. She said, are you trying to hide something from me, Mr. Jason? I said, no, Mrs. Pat. Honest, never do that.

Honest, never. Swear on a squirrel I wouldn't. She said, oh, okay.

I think I need to come round and see what you're up to. Just at that point, her radio, like a walkie talkie thing, clicked. Mrs. Pat, could you please, Mrs. Pat, Mrs. Pat, this is the control centre.

Mrs. Pat, this is the control centre. Please answer. Are you there, Mrs. Pat? Over.

And she picked up a walkie talkie, uh, that was near a left prism. And she said, uh, this is Mrs. Pat. How can I help thee? Mrs. Pat, this is, uh, this is Trevor in the, in the, uh, control centre.

I, uh, think you need to come along because there's a, there's an emergency that you need to, uh, uh, come to and sort out. Uh, can you please get to the, to the north side of the hospital immediately, please? It's, uh, Ward Hippity Hoppity. I said, oh, yes.

Okay. Trevor, or whatever your name was. I'll be there straight away.

I'm on my way now. Over and out. Over and out.

And she said, I'll be back. The thing is, she said it in such a unique way that I almost forgot about the Terminator. I almost, it's like in my mind, something changed.

And I then started to believe that Arnold Schwarzenegger actually copied Mrs. Pat when he said, oh, you'll be back. Oh, you will, you know, I'll be back. And I thought that he'd copied it off her even though he said it in 1978.

Or 79 or whenever the first Terminator film was produced. But she was about 52, between 39 and 52, I'd say, which means she might've said it first. In fact, I'm guessing that Arnie was not, possibly, may not be true, could be true, I don't know.

Possibly was not the very, very first person ever to say, I'll be back. So, yeah. Anyway, she left and my girlfriend, my beautiful, beautiful girlfriend started laughing.

We both started laughing. But, you know, because I wasn't supposed to date anyone that I worked with, not worked with, but that lived there. But you can't help who you feel, who you fall in love with, can you? It's just, I was a young man, she was a young lass, we fell in love.

And, oh, bless her. So, that was strange. What I've been doing today is I've been working on my shed, my garden shed in my bedroom.

And I had some bubble wrap got delivered. And in my head, the bubble wrap, what a great idea. Bubble wrap, cover that shed in bubble wrap, wrap it, wrap it, wrap it, wrap it, wrap it, wrap it all the way around, over and over and over again.

That's got to soundproof it. Nothing she better get in from outside. Because I'm not soundproofing it, so other people can't hear me outside, because I'm just talking quietly.

Well, the bubble wrap didn't quite work out. The spin wrap hasn't really quite worked out. I can't close the door.

But I have put some carpet on the roof. And I put a blanket hanging up in front of the door. And I put some carpet in the bottom, you know, to stand on, and also some wooden slats, slots, slit slats, that were shelves.

Still are shelves. Something is whatever it is you use it for really, isn't it? I suppose. Yeah, it is, it's whatever you want to call it.

So, you know, if you get a pond, like a dig a hole in the garden, and you call it your bath, then it's a bath, isn't it? It's a dirty bath, but it's still a bath. I suppose it's the right kind of bath to use when you've done a dirty protest. Can I use a dirty bath? So I've got this shed.

And honestly, I've sweated so much today. I spent about, by the way, when I say I've just been spending, been doing a bit on my shed, I spent over six hours doing this. I put a lot of time, a lot of work into this.

And it's ridiculous. It's just really, whenever I sort of do one bit, the other bit that I've done seems to fall off. It's, I don't know, it's a little bit frustrating, but it's okay.

So yeah, so that's, I'm going to try and get in there tonight. Because it's what time is it? It's just quarter past two, I think. I'm going to try and get in there and do a recording and see if it works.

And I might be able to do it without closing the door, because the blanket's there. But I do want to close the door, but it's just hard work. But I'm going to try and do it.

And if nothing else, it should be quieter than it is doing here. Well, that's pretty quiet here. I've got the radiator clicking occasionally, got the boiler in the kitchen, and Andre when he's running around, but he stopped doing that.

Andre's very happy with the bubble wrap. He's really happy with that stuff. And to tell you how happy he is, he tested some out earlier while he was biting onto my slipper.

So yeah, to give you an idea. Blessing. So yeah, I'm planning.

And if it goes to plan, and if I can do that recording, I've got another blanket that I washed. I'm waiting for it. It's a throw, it's like a big throw.

And although it's too big to throw, which is ironic. Once that's dried out, I'm going to hang that up as well inside the... Or I might actually take the door off itself completely and just attach it so it hangs outside the door and get another blanket and then another blanket and then another blanket so that it's really thickly covered. And just attach them, you know, nail them in, which is what I've done with the first one.

I've hooked it in with these screws. The next one, I might actually use nails and just bang it into the top of the shed. And then I'll get another blanket and another one.

So I kind of don't need a door really, because this is going to be more thicker than a door. So I'm hoping it's going to be good. I kind of need it to be, because I want to start doing more of the deep sleep whisper ones.

I can only do it when it's quiet. I want to do more of the relaxation hypnosis for stress. Although I don't need it to be quiet when I'm doing the talky ones, when I'm talking about stuff.

I'd like to do more of the relaxation sessions, where it's just me talking quietly, doing a long relaxation session. I can't do that unless I'm in the shed or somewhere really quiet. And also the sleep hypnosis weekly need to be somewhere really quiet.

Ideally, being here, being here, doing this to let me fall into sleep would be better if it was quiet. But I quite like doing it in the living room, because it's more comfortable for me. Also, that was whistling, wasn't it? The recordings were a lot longer.

So it'd be quite, I don't know, it wouldn't be very comfortable for me to be sitting in that little shed for an hour and a half or whatever, however long I talk for. And these do seem to be getting longer and longer. And part of the reason for that is because I want them to be longer.

When I first started off, they were about 30 minutes long. Then it got to about 40, 50 minutes. Then they sort of moved to 60 minutes.

And they kind of moved to, got to a point where it's never ever under 60 minutes long. And now, you know, for the last year, I don't know if I've ever made, maybe once made a recording that was less than an hour long. And now more recently, they seem to be extending towards sort of 80 minutes.

So I'm probably moving towards an hour and a half. And maybe the average will be an hour and a half long. Once I sort out doing the other recordings, it will give me more freedom to spend more time making these recordings, the let me bore you things because I'll be in quite, I suppose I'll be in a fairly good mood because I've done the work, you know, I've done the other work, which is just as important as this, you know, there's none of them.

None of them are more important than others. They're all equally important, really, because they've all got different audiences. So even the sleep hypnosis weekly ones, they've got their own unique audience, but I'm not always able to do them every like every time I'm supposed to.

Well, I don't have like a regular day, but it would be good if I did. But with those now and I do the sleep hypnosis session, and then I do another version with music. It's the same recording, but with music added.

And the one with music seems to be more popular than the one without. So it's it is what it is. It is what it is.

And I don't know why. I don't know why. I don't know if it's just that's because I do the one without music, and then I post the one with music.

So that the latest recording is the one with music. So that's the one that gets the most plays, the most downloads. That might be the reason.

Or the fact that the one with music is longer. Because if the recordings finishes at 35 minutes, the one with music carries on for 50 minutes, or 58 minutes or whatever it is. So I don't know.

So thank you very much. And yeah, so I'm kind of aiming towards the hour and a half. And then I'll probably move into kind of the two hour point.

Maybe get to do three hours a day, you know, it depends. Because I've known some people to be long and very boring. I think I deliver on the boringness.

So you can think of the boringness as being the girth, but I can't always provide the length. So it's, you know, I'd like, I can't always sort of like, oh, you know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna sit here and talk for three hours long. I'm gonna do it.

You know, I don't really want to put that pressure on myself. And, but at the same time, I think it'd be quite cool if I can. Yeah, it's quite strange.

So how am I able to do this practically every day? I don't know. I wish I knew. How am I able to talk nonsense for long periods of time? You know what I was going to do? I was going to try and do the best of Let Me Bore You To Sleep and start listening to old recordings.

Because what am I up to about number 266? Something like that. And I thought, oh, 268. It's, it's getting higher.

It's amazing. I can't believe I'll be hitting the 300. And this week, I'll be hitting the million mark for downloads on my podcast since November the 21st, 2018.

Can you believe that? Million. I've never ever had a million on anything that I've done. So it's just exciting for me, basically.

Please give me that. Let me have that. Come on, governor.

Let me have that. I promise I won't keep going on about it. I swear on my scribble, I won't.

So you know, that's pretty much where I'm going with that. Probably, I think I'm at 994, 995,000 at the moment. So we're talking probably, it might be higher.

Might be higher than that. So I reckon by the end of the month, which is, when is the end of the month? It's tomorrow. No, it's today.

Today is the last day of the month, the 31st of March. And also, I'd like to, I think I might reach the million by the end of today. I'd like to do more during this period as well, during these times in our society.

So to be able to do more, put more recordings out. I mean, trust me, I don't really like doing not manual work, but DIY. Okay, sometimes DIY, but not that kind of DIY.

And I don't, it's not really my thing, but I'm trying to get the environment right, so that I can make more recordings. Because I just really want to make more, help more people. And I'm being genuine.

I know I mess around a lot, but I'm seriously very genuine with that. This is my life. And this is an Andre, you know, so I really, it's really important to me, whether it is to other people, I don't know.

Some people, I think it is, but to me it is. And I want to be able to help more people and improve as well, because the more I do, the more I'll improve. Maybe I was going to say the word professional, but I don't think I'll ever be particularly professional.

I don't know if I've got it in me, I'm just going to be me, whatever I am. Honest as well. And when I say honest, I'm not going to tell everyone all my weird things that I've done in my life necessarily.

But I think, you know, as far as sort of with the, especially with the relaxation for stress and anxiety and stuff like that, I'll talk about my own life, my own experiences. And partly just to let the listeners know that where I'm coming from, maybe to show my own vulnerability, possibly, I don't know. There's this, it feels right anyway.

So, I'm going. Also, I will go, honestly. I really should do more of the relaxation for stress and stuff, because that's one of my most popular podcasts.

And I feel like I'm kind of letting people down by not making more recordings. I'm definitely going to make one tonight or during this morning. Definitely, definitely, 100%.

So, that will be uploaded as well. And I want to do a deep sleep whisper. So, that's my plan.

It's still early. It's only like half past two now. So, I'll have a break for an hour, half past three to four, or maybe 45 minutes.

I'll watch something on telly. And I'll do something. I'll go to bed about seven or eight.

And I'll do a few recordings. So, yeah. Watch this space, baby.

So, I'm going to go. Thank you for listening. Remember to be kind to yourself, because you do deserve to be happy.

Be kind to yourself. Do something nice for yourself today. Lots of love.

And I'll speak to you tomorrow. Bye.