#339 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (26th February 2020)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name's Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

Please subscribe to this podcast. You can send a Paypal gift to me if you wish to paypal.me forward slash Jason Newland. The link's on my website.

As well as over 1500 free recordings to stream and download. Yay! Oh, I had a, I don't know if I mentioned this, I had a message on my website a couple of days ago from a lady, well I guess it might be a lady, it might be a man, it could be a fake profile, I don't know. This person said, you are fake.

So telling me that I'm fake. And when I saw that I thought, wow, how did they know? Must be someone that I'd know in real life. So you know, there's a point in telling me something, don't text, don't send me a message about something that I already know about.

I know I'm fake. Of course I'm fake. I'm a fake man.

Yeah, Jason's not my real name. It's not at all. It's Herbert.

And yeah, completely fake. What's fake about me? Let's see. I'm not really overweight.

I'm very, very slim. Full of, I've got muscles popping out on me, popping out my ears. So many muscles.

Everything's fake. Well, my voice is fake. I'll do my real voice.

This is how I really sound. This is how I sound most of the time. I didn't think I'd be very good for relaxation.

So yeah, it's a fake voice. So that's good. Now, here we come.

Relax your legs. Relax your bum. Relax your eyelids.

Go to sleep. Yeah, so that's my fake voice. What else? Oh, I've got a fake nose.

I've got a cute little, cute little nose in reality. Not this big thing that I've got on my face. It's fake.

The reason I put a fake nose on just to keep away gold diggers. I had enough of people running, women, men, women, ostriches running after me with, you know, after my money. Of course, the ostriches always won.

Because they're faster runners. And that was a fake laugh, of course. Well, that was a fake laugh.

I like that laugh. Mmm. That's another one I quite like.

I've got a little repertoire of laughter. I was watching this, it was a video, this Conor McGregor, you know, like a pre-fight conversation with another MMA fighter. And Conor was saying, something rude, just generally what he comes out with, isn't it? And the other bloke you see is going, ha ha ha ha ha.

But no one laughs like that. No one goes, ha ha ha ha. So, now that was a fake laugh.

I also do fake farts. Like that. That was fake.

Never ever farted ever. I'm pretending it smells, but it doesn't. I'm going to pretend that I need to open the window in a minute, but I don't need to at all.

And I blame it on Andre quite often. But of course, I don't really have Andre here. I made Andre up, so that was fake.

I don't have a ferret. So, all the paper on the floor with bits of poo on it. Yeah, it's a more disturbing story, really.

No ferret involved. What else is fake? I'm trying to think of all the things I've said. I mean, admittedly, I do admit to lying about stuff and making stuff up and exaggerating.

And because that's all part of the fun of these recordings. Oh, I want to do a big shout out to Molly. Hi, Molly.

Good day there, mate. How you doing, Molly? And what else? That was a real yawn. Of course, I do fake yawns as well, of course.

All my yawns are fake. I've got a fake speech impediment. I'll pretend to have a little whistle when I said a whistle.

Sometimes, I can't do it when I try and do it. Sometimes, yeah. What other things do I do that are fake? Yeah, I'll pretend to be boring.

I am so damn exciting. You wouldn't believe it. Honestly, I am probably the most exciting person that's ever lived.

And so yeah, I fake being boring. I'm so exciting. I once rode a bicycle all the way to the end of the road and back.

My friend got a new bicycle and I rode it all the way to the end of the road and all the way back, although I couldn't stop. Well, I could stop, but the saddle was too high and I fell off because I went to sort of lean down on my left side, which I suppose is the way the traffic is, so it would be natural to get off the left side. But there was about, well, the drop was too high and I was at the gutter of the road, you know, so there was a bigger drop.

So instead of hitting the curb, like getting my foot on the curb, I went in the gutter and I fell off and I grazed my leg. Now, you try and tell me that that's boring. That is an exciting story.

I mean, it is almost like breaking a world record traveling you know, across the ocean, the fastest flight across the Atlantic. I mean, that's kind of in the same league, isn't it? So yeah, I've all other things. Well, the things are fake, not the way I can just keep on one subject.

What other things? I'm laughing at myself. Anyway, I want to say before I go any further, I want to say thank you to my loyal fans and listeners of this and all my other podcasts, because I know some people would listen to more than, they might listen to this one, but you might also be listening to others. I just want to say thank you.

And I do this occasionally, but I like to, I don't say thank you every time because I don't care enough about you to do that. But I do say thank you for listening at the end of every recording, actually. And but, you know, a kind of a more exaggerated time wasting thank you.

Use up a bit of the hour. Because, yeah, I've still got 15 minutes left. What am I gonna do? Oh, it's gonna be so difficult to talk for an hour.

Yes, another thing, a fake, a fake being able to talk for an hour. I can't talk for an hour. I actually do them in the 30-second bytes.

So I record for 30 seconds, sometimes 10 seconds. And I put it all together once I've got an hour's worth of recording. And I actually started making these recordings when I was two months old.

That's why I've managed to get 300 odd. So it took a long time. And also, obviously, I had to wait for the internet to be invented.

So there was a lot of preparation involved, but talking for a whole hour. It, that, that, that's impossible. Surely.

I don't think I'd like to have a conversation for an hour. I have had them. But generally, especially if I don't get to talk about myself.

I prefer a monologue to dialogue, if I'm honest. Sometimes. What do I like? I do like dialogue in films.

I'm a big, you know, a big comedy fan, really, I suppose, when it comes to films. Even if it's not a comedy film, which I think is part of the reason why Quentin Tarantino, see I whistled then, Quentin, Quentin Tarantino, when he first started out, his, the dialogue in his films were quite good. Well, not quite, but very good, you know, very good dialogue.

But also not real dialogue at the same time, because no one talks the way they do in his films. But it was interesting dialogue. It was very creative.

And I kind of think that he only got into movies so he can keep saying the N-word in front of black actors. I think that's why he's in movies, so he can just, he's a, he's just a basically he's a racist and he gets to get other, gets to get black people say that word as well in his movies. It pays him lots of money to do it.

That's not what I think at all. But it's an interesting idea, isn't it? Remember the, Seinfeld, remember Seinfeld? And the, the tall bloke with the scruffy hair. See, I didn't really watch the show.

I watched it in the late 90s, no, in the late 80s. A little bit, because it used to be on television really late at night. But it was never a popular program in England.

And the only reason is because I didn't show it. And it was on, I used to watch it, I remember watching Seinfeld in 1990. And as I said, it used to be on really late, probably like 11, 11 o'clock, 12 o'clock, something like that.

And I used to really like it because it was very different from anything else. But anyway, the tall bloke, he, he got done a few years back, got in trouble because he went on stage and he started just shouting loads of racist stuff. And yeah, it's quite weird because I kind of watched it unfold a little bit on telly.

People in this country weren't particularly interested. We don't have the same, yeah, because he's not that, it's a different thing in America. I mean, let's face it, it's the biggest TV show in America, wasn't it, for a while, Seinfeld.

So it was, but yeah, he started, I think he was just having a really bad gig doing standup. And he started just blurting all this absolute rubbish out, racist rubbish. And he got, ooh, he got in trouble.

And Seinfeld went on telly, onto the sort of chat shows, you know, I think maybe Letterman or whoever was around back then and just trying to sort of make excuses for him or, you know, it's weird. It's like, wow. But this is the same thing though.

The, quite a few famous people have got in trouble for saying stuff that maybe they didn't even mean or got in trouble for doing stuff. So I don't know. Yeah.

I don't know if you remember this. This is, some of these you might not know about because you're in a different country, but some things you may know about. So there was the, what was it? Oh, Ted Danson.

Ted Danson was dating Whoopi Goldberg and he went to a party with, dressed with blackface, best, you know, he painted his face black and he went to this, I think it was like a showbiz party or something. Ooh, he got in trouble. And even dating one of the most famous actresses and comedians in the country, Whoopi Goldberg at the time, that wasn't enough to get him out of the trouble, but he'd have got a lot more trouble if he hadn't been dating her, I suppose.

Cause she kind of backed him up and said, no, he's not racist. He's just, but isn't it interesting that he's gone on and people have forgotten about it. That's why I'm here to remind everyone.

And, but that was years ago. This was like the nineties, probably just after he'd stopped doing Friends, maybe before, was it two men and a baby or two, three men and a baby? Cause he was a gnat, wasn't he? That film. And then he sort of kind of disappeared for a while, didn't he? So it didn't, well worldwide.

I mean, he might've been doing stuff in America, but I don't know in this country. But he's done quite a few things over the last 10 years. I think he's a great actor.

So funny, great comedy actor, especially now he's old. Cause he's already in his seventies now, I guess, or late sixties. And he's brilliant and such a great, funny actor and funnier than what he was in Cheers.

Cause he wasn't really the comedy actor in Cheers, was he? He was a star, but he wasn't, he wasn't, he had funny lines, but not as funny as maybe Carla or Woody or any of them really. And it was kind of like the cement, wasn't he? That held it all together. I love Cheers.

It was one of my favorite shows ever. Even the theme, I think, yeah, that, the music, the theme tune, you know, I actually thought, right, and it's totally true because when I started watching Cheers, Woody was in it and I never watched it when Coach, Coach was in it before Woody joined. I've seen the episodes with Coach in it since, but I didn't know, you know, I didn't know anything about him.

And I first started watching it in about 1984, probably, maybe 85, 84, when I first got a television, a black and white television in the bedroom. Oh, ever so happy I was. That was the highlight of my childhood, I'd say.

And, you know, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. And I actually thought, I thought, I thought, I thought, I thought that Woody, the barman, was singing the song, the Cheers theme tune, because the singer sounds like Woody talking. It's got the same tone, the same kind of pitch voice as Woody.

See, so next time you, next time you watch Cheers and you hear Woody talking and then you hear the theme tune, but you can, well, you might not be able to sort of connect what I'm saying because you might hear it differently, but yeah, generally thought it was him. Just like Only Fools and Horses, the theme tune for that was actually sung by the person that wrote the show. But I thought, because the song sounded like Rodney, Rodney Trotter, Dullboy's younger brother, I thought Rodney was singing it.

And, you know, maybe, maybe the reason behind this is because it's not that far-fetched that the star of a TV show would be singing a song. So let's face it, the Fall Guy, I'm the type of man who never puts him down. Yeah, that, yeah.

So he, the Bionic Man sings that song, doesn't he? And then you've got Minder, TV show Minder. This is a English TV show that if you're in, I know a lot of people from other countries watch, listen to this. Really, check out Minder.

It's M-I-N-D-E-R. Brilliant TV show. It's old, you know, it's 80s, during the early 80s, maybe even late 70s, excuse me, but it's so good.

Really, really good. And Only Fools and Horses, again, really, really funny. And it's, if you really want to get a taste of sort of British humour, or maybe how British humour used to be, that's kind of quite a good example, because it's quite gentle.

I mean, there's some stuff that's used that we, I don't know why I'm laughing, but we can't, there's certain words and phrases that we're not allowed to use anymore. But, you know, it's a weird one, that, because we're brought up to use those phrases. You know, phrases that teachers were using, everyone on television was using them.

TV sitcoms were using them. Parents were using those words. Kids at school, it's like, so it wasn't like, none of that stuff was, at the time, racist, or homophobic, or sexist, or, I guess it was, but it wasn't meant in that way.

You know what I mean? You probably don't know what I mean, but it's 1970s England. I call it 1970s sitcom land. Very dodgy place.

Very dodgy place to be. But what I've done is I've gone online and I've watched some of the old racist sitcoms. They were, I mean, they're classed as being, they wouldn't be allowed on telly now.

And I've gone and watched a couple of episodes. And although they are, there's one called Mind Your Language, and it's set inside an evening college, adult college, with people from all nations living in England and learning English. So people, and I think what's missed from it, if people look back on it, it's like, oh, it's just a bunch of racist stuff.

But actually while watching it, and there is some, you know, it's, the racism wasn't coming from the white people. It was only one white person there, and that was a teacher. The rest was people from all different countries being racist towards each other.

And so like, we're all being anti-religion against each other's different religious, you know, situations. So what it was really, it was very political. It's a very political program, but at the same time making fun of, I don't know, it's hard to know where they were coming from because it seemed very actually intelligent, the way they were putting it together.

But at the same time, you had this teacher who's trying to control it all, telling them to stop being racist, tell them to stop it. So yeah, I found that just quite interesting. There's other stuff, there was a TV program, I'm talking about racism during this recording.

Not really, I'm just talking about racist telly, or things that were classed as racist. There was a TV show called, oh, what was it called? In Sickness and in Health. And there was another one before that.

It was two shows, basically, that had a bloke, a man called Alf Garnett, who was a complete, absolute, he probably classed him as a Tory, like a real right-wing, but a racist, fascist, you know, homophobic, every single ick there could be, basically. And he'd go on to rants, and he would use all the horrible language that, extremely, that was just, it'd never be shown on telly now. You wouldn't get to, you know, just, it would be unacceptable to be on telly, and it wasn't even on that long ago.

You know, it was on early 90s, so it's not that long ago that it was on, but it wouldn't be allowed on now. And, because it went on for about 20 odd years, maybe longer. So a whole generation grew up watching that show, and it was funny.

I'm sorry, it was one of the most popular TV shows. I'm not, I'm not sorry, I'm not, I'm not going to apologize for other people. But there was, it was funny on different levels.

And it was funny because there was this old man being completely ridiculous, and he was surrounded by, and no one else agreed with it. So they would mock him. So in the first shows, which were in the 60s, in black and white, I think, he'd have his daughter and his son-in-law.

And his son-in-law actually married, his son-in-law was the father, in real life, of Tony Blair's wife. Eh? Eh? It's a bit of a pointless knowledge there. Sherry Blair.

So that was his mum. That was her dad. And so he was, he also was in some of the, what were those films that he was in? The, um, um, um.

Milkman, Confessions of a, the Confessions films, which I loved. Very funny. But they were very adult.

So it kind of, it ticked quite a few boxes for me when I was a kid, because I was getting to see stuff that I wasn't supposed to see. so I'd written them out on video, but they're also really funny as well. Titillating and funny, if that makes sense.

Kind of like, not as funny as the carry-on films, but in that kind of vein, but without the censorship, you know. Yeah, so it's... Rob Nesquith was in it. He was great.

He's really funny, and there's confessions of a window cleaner, confessions of a driving instructor, confessions of... I'm sure there's something like discotheque or pop... something. I don't know, but definitely window cleaner and driving instructor. And Rob Nesquith, I think his brother was Tony Blair's wife's dad.

He played the son-in-law of Alf Garnett in In Sickness and in Health. I think it was called In Sickness and in Health, and it changed to Death Do Us Part. Yeah, I think that's what it was.

So In Sickness and in Health was the first, but I might be wrong with that. Anyway, so he was ranting in the first... when it first came out, he'd be ranting about politics and about race and sexuality and stuff. But everybody around him, like his daughter, his son-in-law, and his wife, would all be making fun of him.

So that was funny, because they'd be mocking him and pulling apart what he was saying. So it was kind of funny because he was just this absolutely idiotic old man, although he wasn't that old, I guess, in the 60s, but probably younger than me when he was doing that. But he was an idiotic, pathetic kind of person, full of this crap that just spewed out.

A bit like me, really, but without the racist part. And just just complete... and everyone was just mocking him and laughing at him. So that was funny.

And then there was a third level where people that were racist and homophobic could really enjoy themselves as well by listening to him and saying what they probably believed in. And the way he presented it was in a funny way as well. So even though he's being racist and all this stuff, he delivered it really funnily.

He'd be shouting and fuming and spitting and really... it's very, very comedy. Good comedy. But at the same time, I don't know, it's... a lot of... it would have been a lot of people that would be watching that that were laughing at what he was saying, rather than, you know, kind of the whole thing.

Yeah. So what other people have... I just thought that people have blacked up now, but they've done blackface. Someone did it recently and got in trouble in England.

Who was that? I think Prince Harry did it, didn't he? I know Prince Harry dressed up as a Hitler or as a Nazi back in... well, probably about 15 years ago, maybe 20 years ago, actually, because about 40 now, isn't he? And I don't know if we're allowed to call him Prince Harry anymore, are we? Is he still a prince? The thing is, they say, oh, we got... we're going to take your HRH or... oh yeah, His Royal Highness. We're going to take away the HRH from his title. And it makes no difference what the government, what the House of Commons, what the House of Parliament, what the Queen says.

He's always going to be known as Prince Harry, because he was born with that title. He was born into it. Can't take it away.

Not really. They might take it away as far as not being allowed to have his name and have HRH next to it. But he's Prince Harry.

Just like they did that with Princess Diana. They stripped her of her title. You know, you're no longer a princess.

You've divorced the prince. You're no longer a princess. You'll just go back to being Lady Diana.

Or I think she might have had another title as well at that point. No, Princess Diana. And she'll always be remembered for that.

That's what... that's not what she's going to be remembered for, but that's what... she'll always be known as Princess Diana. And she was, even after the press and... I could tell you... I'll tell you something. The day Princess Diana passed away, I got home and I was staying at my friend's and I was just watching a movie.

And then I turned the news on after, you know, it's a VHS movie. Is it New Jack City or something that I was watching? And suddenly there's, you know, this big news and it's on every channel. And I get home about six o'clock in the morning, go to the newsagents and I get a newspaper out.

I buy one newspaper. And all of the tabloids have got pictures of Diana. I think someone got on a speedboat because she was in France when she was on holiday.

And they were basically just slagging her off, calling the names, how horrible she was, how dirty, you know, all that stuff. Seriously. And two hours later, the headlines were saying what an angel she was.

And that's, you know, not many people would have got to see the original headlines, the original papers, because they were taken off the shelves. Guaranteed every single paper was taken off and destroyed when the new edition came out, you know, maybe an hour later. I wish I still had a copy of that just so I can prove it, you know, because I've gone online and there's no, again, there was no, there was internet back then, wasn't there? Should be a copy of the original edition of The Sun and The Star and The Mail, Daily Mail in England anyway.

And let's face it, the royal family and Princess Diana was equally if not more famous in other countries. She was adored in America. And I think she's pretty much loved worldwide actually because of her kindness.

But in this country, they really went to war. They went for her in a big, big, big, big way. And sometimes in here I've got a friend who says horrible stuff about her sometimes.

I just wonder where that anger and hatred comes from with people. It's like they've also got like, almost like a dark heart, you know, it's like, there's the love, man. She was lovely.

Anyway, there's a Ted Danson, there's a comedian called Danny Baker, who, when Prince Harry came out of hospital with the baby, with the new baby with, what's her name? Megan, yeah, Megan. And he posted a picture on Twitter, which was an old picture from a long, long time ago, where there was, I think, two people holding hands with a little monkey. That was the picture he posted on Twitter.

And welcome, welcome to the world, little Harry's baby, whatever the baby's name is. And that was the big news of the day, that was. He took it off as soon as people started complaining.

And he said it wasn't meant in kind of a racist way. He was just, he was making fun of the, he was making fun of the royalty and something. I can't remember what it was, but he lost his job.

He was at a radio show, lost his radio show, like instantly, on Radio 4 or Radio 2 or wherever it was. And he was hounded by the press, really hounded. And it's amazing that a mistake, especially when he sort of didn't mean it in the way that it looked, cost him, I mean, the bloke's in his 60s.

So it's probably not cost his career, because he's had a really good career and clearly must be very wealthy. But it cost him his job, which is probably very well paid, and future work as well. And the chances we're not going to see him on telly anymore.

It's just, I don't know. Also, if you do stuff, someone recently was in the news and they, he, yeah, quite a few people have been got in trouble for something they did 10, 15 years ago, or 10 years ago, like posted something on Twitter, maybe eight years ago or something. And then it comes up and they find it.

And the person maybe gets kicked off of a game show or X Factor or Love Island, or maybe they're a politician and they get, they lose their job. That's happening fairly regularly. That's why, you know, if you're going to be, want to be a celebrity, you got to be squeaky clean, or be honest right from the start.

Or just be fake like me. Oh, fake, yeah. Oh, there's another thing.

This one, actually, this is Danny, Danny Baker's, he used to write for Jonathan Moss. And Jonathan Moss, he's a really big celebrity in England. And for those listening in England thinking, why am I saying this? We already know that, obviously.

It's because for people that are listening outside of England, which is a much larger audience than those that listen in England. Does that make sense? Yeah. So the percentage of people listening in England would probably be about maybe 25, maybe 30 percent, maybe less.

So possibly less than that, actually. So there's a, you know, America's the largest audience. Then you've got Australia, Canada, we've got Ireland.

I mean, all the English speaking countries, but that kind of thing, that encompasses every country, because there's loads of people that can speak English in other countries. Because I get people from Norway, all different parts of Europe, India, I even had some people from China recently, which I was surprised because I thought China had its own internet, so they wouldn't have access to this stuff. But maybe that's propaganda, maybe it's not real, maybe it's, because, you know, I'd love to get any, if I could get into the Chinese audience, huge, huge audience.

You know, if I was going to be a singer, I'd much rather be popular in China than be popular in England. If it was about being successful and, you know, making money. And because just so many people, if you're popular in China, you just, you know, you just, when you think we've got 60 million people in this country, this tiny little country of ours.

And I don't know if anyone hasn't, you can hear that in the background, it's Andre. It's not really Andre, it's me just patting on some paper to pretend. So now I'm going to pretend to pick Andre up.

So I'm going to be making his noises. Oh, what's that stink? Who's done a poo? I just picked you up after, I'm just picking you up after you've done a poo. That's grim.

I didn't think he did do a poo because he only was at the paper for about two seconds. That was definitely a wee stop, not a poo stop. But he's been letting off some stinks lately.

He's definitely, this is a pretend ferret that I've got. He's, no, I'm not loving that smell of his. You want to get off? Okay, I'm letting you get off.

Go away. He's been scratching at the door. That Grendel girl, is it Grendel? What's her name? She's on the newspaper with a bullet in the head lady.

Um, there's this, the music's just playing. What's her name? Grunfin, Grunfin, Grunfin. She's the, what's it? Environmental girl, lady.

And she's like, she's 16. She's 17 years old. She looks 10.

She really looks young, doesn't she? But she's actually 17. So she's an adult. So it's kind of, but she's there with the other, the one that, um, the other young girl that got shot in, I can't believe she survived that.

She got shot point blank and she survived. And now she's, she won, didn't she win the Peace Prize or something? The, um, not the Pulitzer Peace Prize. What's it called? The Peace Prize.

Well, it was the Peace Prize that was created by the person that, um, invented explosives. Oh, that's funny. Honestly, the Peace Prize is named after the person that invented dynamite.

Look it up. It's true. Would I lie to you? The Peace, let's just say this again, one more time.

The Peace Prize, which is given to people that are supposed to be contributing towards world peace. The Peace Prize is named after the person who invented dynamite. Let me think about that for a minute.

Something don't seem right there. So yeah, it's kind of funny really, when you think about it, but then you look at some of the people that have been nominated for the Peace Prize and some of those have been people that weren't really particularly peaceful. You know, it's almost, surely the prize they won should be changing to the most amount of people that we've managed to kill on foreign ground prize.

You know, but nevermind. Nevermind. It's all good fun, isn't it, eh? It's all good fun.

Anyway, what happened is Jonathan Ross, he went onto a radio show with Russell Brand. I think it was Russell Brand's radio show. And Jonathan Ross was working for the BBC, which he has done for, or he did for a long time.

He used to work for Channel... Yeah, I'm sure he used to be Channel 4 to start with. Then he went to the BBC and now he's on ITV. Anyway, at the time he was earning about 10 million a year.

Apparently he was some of the biggest television earner in the country. Probably one of the biggest in the world, I suppose, wasn't it? 10 million a year is quite a lot for anyone. I mean, I only make about 6 million, but 10 million, that's, yeah, 6... I can get by on 6 million, but it's a push, you know? I mean, some people say, oh yeah, but it's all right for you.

You haven't got a queue up to get onto planes because you've got your own jet. I say, yeah, yeah, fair enough. But that fuel is expensive.

It costs a lot of money. And they say, yeah, yeah, but... Yeah, yeah. Sometimes I like... It's not a Beatles song, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love you. Yeah, yeah. You know some of the Beatles songs? That's my invisible pretend ferret sneezing annoyingly.

Some of the Beatles songs were very silly. That's all I've got to say on that subject. I was brought up... I'm going to chuck him out the window in a minute.

Will you shut up, Andre? Please, please. Be quiet, please, my baby boy. Well, you do snort that stuff.

It's because I'm making you sneeze, isn't it? He's sneezing. I don't like it when he sneezes like that. It's very rare.

Okay, mate. I hope he hasn't got the coronavirus. I have to quarantine you.

He just said to me, yeah, you do that anyway. That's his sneeze. He's got such a cute little sneeze.

But at the same time, I can catch a cold from him. And then he can catch a cold from me. So if he gets a cold, I could catch... Well, I just said that tonight, but I didn't think it was possible.

But he can. I can catch... If he sneezes in my face, which he likes to do, if he can, he does. He actually walks up to me.

He points himself at me and sneezes. He might just have some dust in his nose, though. So I'm just going to rub his nose a bit, see if I can loosen it.

That might be all it is. I think he can't pick his nose, can he? It's got to be horrible. He can't pick his nose or scratch his bum.

Because he's got those sharp nails. Imagine not being able to scratch your bum. That's very rude.

You said to me, no wonder your nostrils are so big, Daddy, if you keep picking your nose all the time. Those big, fat fingers of yours. Oi, stop it.

Stop being rude. Stop being rude to me. Stop it.

Stop it. Oh, God, that did go in my face. Go away.

Oh, that hit me on the chin. A grin. A chin line to a grin.

Anyway, Jonathan Ross. What's his name? Is it Russell Brand? They phoned up, so probably everybody knows of this TV show, Fawlty Towers. Now, this is not going to be a news story to anyone in England, but in America, you might not have heard about this story, or maybe other countries.

They basically phoned Manuel from Fawlty Towers, phoned him up, and left quite a few voicemail messages on his answering machine, saying what they'd got up to with his granddaughter. And this was a pre-recorded show, so the editors let it go out. So I would say it's the editors' fault for allowing it to go out.

It should have still got told off, perhaps, but it didn't have to go out to the listeners, so no one needed to listen to it. But after that, I imagine that would definitely be a pulling into the boss's office and saying, look, what you did was out of order. You better apologize to Manuel, because he works hard all those years working in that hotel.

You don't need that crap, do you? So, you know. Anyway, what happened is Jonathan Ross lost his job on the BBC, and Russell Brand... Russell Brand, I think he quit his radio show, if I remember rightly, but Jonathan Ross got sacked, I think, and lost quite a lot of money, I guess. Mind you, if you're earning 10 million a year... See, celebrities get a hard time for earning lots of money, but I don't think it's right.

And the reason why, let me explain. Let me explain to you why. Because first of all, if you're earning a million a year, your tax bracket has gone up by a heck of a lot.

Once you earn over, what is it, 40,000 or whatever, 42,000 a year in England, the tax rate goes up a huge amount. So someone on a million a year has been paying out a lot of tax. But before they get to that point, they have probably got an agent.

And you hear in the background, running around, I want to get into little boots, some little padded boots, so it doesn't make so much noise. You hear me whistling, so it doesn't make so much noise. And I want to... Yeah, so you've got 25%, maybe 20% taken off of your money straight away by your agent.

So you're earning a million, 20% of that, well, that's 200 grand, isn't it? Yeah, 200 grand. 200,000 pounds going to someone, wow. So you've got 800 grand.

And some people say, oh, 800 grand, that's still loads of money. Well, true, if you've got the cost, yeah, I'm not arguing that. But then they've got money taken off of them by other people.

So you've got the booking agents, you've got the, you've got the, yeah, sometimes you've got agents and they've got managers that will take money off of them as well. So they might end up out of that million, taking home a couple of hundred thousand, maybe 300,000 after tax, maybe 200,000 after tax, which you could say, well, it's 200,000 pounds, it's still more than the 13,000 pounds I get, which is fair enough. But there just seems to be some hostility towards people that are successful.

And it's a shame because I'm pretty much a socialist. I don't really thought of myself as a socialist, but I guess I guess I am really. So I'm very much not interested in sort of riches, financial wealth and stuff.

Of course, I'm fake because I want to be a billionaire. In fact, I am a billionaire. I'll just pretend not to be.

I've never been, it's amazing being so rich is great. The only benefit I would see for being a billionaire would be all the people you could help. Wouldn't that be just phenomenal, wouldn't it? If I had a billion dollars or billion pounds, I would not be sitting in an office, figuring out how to make my next billion.

Guaranteed that would not happen. I would not be sitting in some kind of boardroom and it's called that for a reason. I would not want to be out doing something, actually actively, you know, I suppose a bit like Bill Gates.

He's actually going out and he's devoting his life to his bloody sneeze. He's the other side of the flat. He's not even in this room and I can hear him sneezing.

Now he's scratching at the front door. And all I can, the only thing I can do really with him doing that is to lock him in his cage. And I don't want to do that.

He's not been in his cage for the best part of a year. Come on then. Come on then.

Oh, I pulled him too hard on his nail. I can't make him do that if I hurt him, so I don't want to hurt him. It does make some funny noises, especially when I stand on him, which I don't need.

Oh, stop it, Andre. He's literally just started doing this. So I'm hoping he's just inhaled something like, I think he just banged the microphone.

Sorry, if he did. I think he might have sniffed something in. He's got a bit of dust in his nostril.

I hope that's what it is. I don't want him to be getting a cold or anything. In fact, I'm rubbing his nose, so I better wash my hands when I finish there.

And hopefully the sneezing should get rid of the... Actually, I am rubbing his nose. He seems quite like it. So I think he's kind of, he's blowing out as I'm pushing on his nostrils.

So it might be clearing his nostrils out. I'm going to push on it. Breathe out.

Oh, that's a good boy. Really weird. I never thought I'd be like this with any animal.

Such a weird, close relationship with him. It's very strange. I'm only doing it with my left hand.

Definitely going to wash my hands. Now he's gone to get some water, so he's dipping his face in the water. So he's drinking, so that's probably going to help his throat.

So I'm hoping whatever was in his nose is now out. Because he was like breathing, like breathing the air out when I was holding his nose together. He could breathe, he had his mouth open.

Yeah, hopefully that did it. I am the magic ferret man. The ferret shouter.

Oh, I can't believe there's not enough time to tell you about this. I'll just briefly mention I've been, I spent the last few days printing transcripts of my recordings out. So I think I've got about 70 done so far of the Let Me Boy To Sleep.

And I've used up about seven ink cartridges and about over a thousand pages, about 1500 pages, 1200 pages. So I've got a huge stack on my windowsill. I've been numbering them, writing on them so I know what's what, as well as stapling bits together.

So it's, that's just the first phrase or phase in the system. And well 60 done, or 70 done. Another 1400 and 30 left.

Although I'm not going to be doing all the recordings. The only ones I'm probably going to print out would be these ones, and the relaxation for stress and anxiety ones. Maybe some of the hypno chats and hypnotic buffet ones, and the healing words ones, because they're kind of similar to the, you know, sort of the talking thing.

But it's a, it's a big old process, much bigger than I really gave it credit for. It's, it's going to take weeks and weeks and weeks, months in fact, before they're all printed out. And hundreds and hundreds of cartridges, ink cartridges, which surprised me because I really didn't expect there to be, I just didn't expect it to take as much ink as it is.

So I'm trying to find a way of getting cheaper ink. There's got to be somewhere in town that sells ink cartridges. So I've just got to go online and find somewhere, and just take in the package of the one I've got, and just say I just need the equivalent of this, but cheap.

Instead of paying £12 for one cartridge that lasts for about two hours. And get, you know, hopefully pay maybe £3 or £4. Hopefully, if I can find something.

The only thing with doing that is, that printer's noisy. It's like, it's like really, I have to have, if I'm watching telly or, I can't watch telly over it because I have to telly up too loud. But I can watch internet TV and, you know, stuff like that with my headphones on.

And it does, the noise cancelling headphones, so it does block out the sound of the printer. Or earlier I had Alexa play in the radio and the radio was way too loud for me. It's just, you know, it's like, oh okay, can't be doing with this.

So, uh, although I can listen to the radio with my headphones on, which I, it was just a case of doing the necessary connections. Yeah man, and that's it really. So I'm just going to continue doing all that.

And, uh, probably tomorrow I'll do a few hundred more pages. And I'm thinking of doing, I don't know, Apple, hmm, yeah I suppose I could, if I focus on just these recordings. I'm looking to try and find out, find some stories and some stuff that I've talked about that can be put into a book.

But, you know, we'll see. There's got to be something. And you think it's over 350 hours of me talking, there's got to be something out of that 350 hours that's worth reading.

Surely it's, I mean just, just the odds, you know, it's got, it's like if you bought 350 lottery tickets, you're going to win something. You're not going to win more than 350 pound, possibly, but you're going to, some of those tickets will be winning tickets, even if it's a pound, or maybe three pound, or five pound, or five dollars, or whatever. But some of them will be winning tickets.

And out of 350, you might get 30 or 20 winning tickets. I say it might not, might not make up the 350 pound I've spent, but it's still going to be 20 things that, you know, so if I can get 20 decent stories, or 100 decent stories, or little bits out of that, then that could make up a nice little book. Possibly.

It's an experiment. But I'm going to, I'm seeing it through, I'm seeing it through right to the end. Yeah.

So I'm going to go. Thank you for listening. Remember to be kind to yourself.

You do deserve to be happy. Do something nice for yourself if you're still awake. And I'll speak to you next time.

Lots of love. Bye.