#334 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (17th February 2020)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. And please subscribe to this podcast so that you can be aware of when the next recording is available.

You can also go to my Twitter, I'm at jasonnuland. I always post all my new recordings on there. And my Facebook page as well if you use the links on my website.

But it's just search Jason Newland hypnosis. So what I thought I would do today, something a little bit, well it's not that different. Well it's different, but it's not, but it is, but it isn't.

I thought I would read some, there's a website called justoneliners.com This is just-one-liners.com So I'm going to be revisiting this in the future. And I'm just going to read some of Woody Allen's one-liners. And maybe look at some other people as well.

So here we go, here we go. And yeah there's quite a few. So here we go, quite a few different people.

So I thought I'd just do that. Just have a little gentle recording. You can just kind of ignore me if you want.

But I'll just read some of these. As I said I'm reading it off the internet. justoneliners.com Humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, expressions and more.

Monday, February the 17th, 2020. So here's the ones from Woody Allen. I'm not going to read all of them because some of them might be a little bit rude.

So I'm not going to read anything that's rude. Well, the I-class is, yeah I don't know. I'm trying to think actually.

Here's one from Woody Allen. I didn't know he was, I didn't know he was dead. I thought he was British.

It's a bit rude. Another one. There is no question that there is an unseen world.

The problem is how far is it from Midtown and how late is it open? I will read this bit but it's a little bit rude. But it's the only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers. Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable.

With the possible exception of my voice going weird. With the possible exception of a moose singing embraceable you in spats. Which is weird.

That's a weird one. My brain, it's my second favourite organ. Life is full of misery, loneliness and suffering and it's all over much too soon.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips. Ah, this is quite a good statement here.

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex. This is going back to obviously the days when they used to have a term, the weaker sex. But of course we don't use that term anymore unless we're referring to men.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body. Only his body has more fun.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather on his deathbed sold me this watch. Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge, others only gargle.

I don't believe in the afterlife. Although I am bringing a change of underwear. Right, now time for the next one.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light and certainly not desirable. This one's hat keeps blowing off. I'm giving my analyst one more year that I'm going to Lourdes or Lourdes.

Okay, in my house, I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. There have been times when I thought about it, but with my luck, it would probably turn out to be only a temporary solution.

Okay, right, that was, I just realized there is certain subjects that he's talking about. Okay, the last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. Sex is nobody's business except the three people involved.

I haven't seen my analyst in almost, I haven't seen my analyst in 200 years. He was strict Freudian. If I'd been going all this time, I'd probably be almost be cured by now.

I was thrown out of college in my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. I'm not antisocial.

I'm just not social. How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electrical typewriter? My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker.

Ahem, this stuff tastes awful. I could make a fortune selling it in my health food store. So there I do.

I ran into Isosceles. He has a great idea for a new triangle. I don't think my family liked me.

They put a live teddy bear in my crib. Okay, that's the next page. Sex is like death.

Only after death you don't feel like a pizza. Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages, but love accounts for the other third. I have an intense desire to return to the womb.

Anybody's. Some of these are repeated. I believe that sex is beautiful between two people.

Between five, it's fantastic. I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers. They're going to make a board game out of it.

According to modern astronomers, space is finite, which is a very comforting thought, particularly for people who can never remember where they've left things. I can't listen to that much Wagner. I started getting the urge to conquer Poland.

Most of the time, I don't have much fun. The rest of the time, I don't have any fun at all. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.

I want to achieve immortality through not dying. Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Here's one. I have an interesting case. I'm treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities.

I'm getting paid by eight people. There are two types of people in the world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

That's not true. I took a test in existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Okay, so I can look at the next one. There's nothing there. We'll repeat it from the first page.

Ah, Nietzsche says that we will live the same life over and over again. Great. I'll have to sit through the ice capades again.

So these are like two people talking. So what, are you suggesting passive resistance? No, I'm suggesting active fleeing. Remember, if you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. I will not eat oysters.

I want my food dead, not sick, not wounded, dead. Organized crime in America takes in over $40 billion a year and spends very little on office supplies. Let's see what's next.

What's next? What's next people? This is funny. The food here is terrible and the portions are too small. That's funny.

For a while, we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. Oh, I was nauseous and tingly all over.

I was evil in love or I had smallpox. Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? 80% of success is just showing up.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on Saturday, and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday. This is Woody Allen, by the way. These are his, not my words.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? What's worse? What if only that fat guy in the third row exists? Okay. I love nature. I just don't want to get any of it on me.

To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition. I was the best I ever had.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. I don't know about that. It's one of my most funniest times I've been during the luh.

I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in 20 minutes. It involves Russia. I'm astounded by people who want to know the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Okay.

My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else. Oh, that's it. That's all of his.

If I go back. What if what I do is go to... Go to Jimmy Carr. Right, it's a Jimmy Carr.

I used to know Jimmy Carr many years ago. That's it. There's nothing else to say on that.

I did. He's a comedian, very famous in... I think he's quite well known in America as well. But he's in England.

He is. So here's some of his one-liners that I'm reading off this website, justoneliners.com. I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realized you could watch it on TV for nothing. I had a survey done on my house.

Eight out of ten people said they really rather liked it. I love watching horror films while hiding behind the sofa. That way my neighbors don't know I'm there.

When someone close to you dies, move seats. I was filling out a questionnaire that said, who would you most like to sleep with? And it was like anyone living or dead. I said, anyone living.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for a cup of tea, you never get that cup of tea. When I told my mum I wanted to grow up and be a comedian, she said, you can't do both. I can't read some of these out.

Oh, it's terrible. I can't read this very funny thing. In Pizza Express, you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato.

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's pizza. My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese, as if she doesn't have enough on her plate. I, of course, don't have an accent.

This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly. I said to my... Oh, no. No, I'm not reading that one.

Oh, yeah. My girlfriend said to me, you shouldn't eat before you swim. I said, why not? She said, you look fat.

So a lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day and she said, can you spare a few minutes for... Okay, I'll read it. Brave baby. I'm laughing at the punchline.

I've not read that yet. Okay, I've read it, but I've not read it out. I have to read them first before I read them out loud, just to make sure they're not sort of too rude.

Okay, a lady... Sorry, if that's woken anyone up that was falling asleep, I apologise. Okay, I can normally read jokes without laughing. Okay, I keep going to the punchline, so I'll just ignore the punchline until I get to it.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said... Sorry, I'm sorry. She said... Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research? Okay, so far it's not funny.

That's not the funny bit, obviously. I say, so a lady stopped me with a clipboard. Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research? I said, all right, but we're not going to get much done.

We're not going to get much done. It made me laugh. I can't help it.

I think that's what you call it, like something that just tickles you and there's nothing you can do about it. I've only got a few minutes, so we're not going to get much done, are we? Not going to find a cure. Okay, it's another one, but I probably can't read that out.

Swimming is good for you, especially when you're drowning. And okay, okay. I remember, I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them.

I was lying to get sex. Oh dear. I realized, I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

My dad's dying to wish to have his family around him, but I can't help thinking that he would have been better off with more oxygen. Oh, this is a bit harsh. Environmentalists say that every day an area the size of Wales is destroyed.

Why is it never Wales? It's harsh. David Cameron, the Prime Minister said, this is obviously when he was Prime Minister, the government said they'll put a cap on immigrants coming into the UK. That's wrong.

Immigrants should be allowed to wear what they like. Put a cap on them. Oh dear.

Women reach their sexual peak after 35 years. Men reach theirs after four minutes. I did a gig in the US once for the homeless.

I said, it's nice to see so many bums on seats. Oh dear. I occasionally get lovesick.

Well, they call it chlamydia. Oh my goodness. I won't read that, but it's funny.

Okay, I can't read size. I have no problem with buying tampons. I'm a fairly modern man, but apparently they're not a proper present.

There's another one here. People with Tourette's, what makes them tick? By the way, if anyone's moaning, you keep sniffing. That's because I think this weather has got me a little bit.

It's cold and it's not cold. Then it's cold and you get a little bit blocked up sometimes. Shed hair.

I mean, what's next? Well, I think it's all moments. I don't know, you keep breathing. I'm like, what do you want? I breathe.

I walk up to the airport information desk and asked, how many airports are in the world? Okay, so that's all of those. I'm trying to think what other. Okay, this is from Stuart Francis, a comedian.

So it is whatjustoneliners.com that I'm reading from. Now, I don't recall ever. I don't really know Stuart Francis.

I've seen him on telly a couple of times. My doctor thinks I'm taking hallucinogenic drugs. How do I know? Let's just say a little bird told me.

In court, I was found guilty of being egotistical. I'm appealing. I don't think I got the job at Microsoft.

They didn't respond to my telegram. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting.

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it. Have you, have you, have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? When I was a child, my father attacked me with cameras. I still have flashbacks.

At school, the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy. I love that wheelchair. I can't read this one out, but it's funny.

It's just silly. Okay, I won't read it out. It's very funny though.

Damn it. If I repeatedly stab my cornflakes, does that make me a serial killer? I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up. I was a young lad living under a poker table with a chip on my shoulder.

I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows. I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice.

So what's next? My uncle was crushed by a piano. His funeral was very low key. When I was younger, I wanted to have a skateboard, but my parents couldn't afford one.

So one morning I woke up early, went to the garage. Got some wood and some nails and beat my parents to death. My foster parents bought me five skateboards.

I had an unemployment dwarf do a bit of casual work for me. He asked to be paid under the table. I was a lighting technician, off and on.

I read today that 10 out of 2 people are dyslexic. So what if I can't spell Armageddon? It's not the end of the world. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that. My fairy godmother once asked me if I'd rather have a long penis or a long memory. I forget what my answer was.

I was sitting in traffic the other day and I wrote one over. Oh dear, dear, dear, dear, this one. Dear, oh dear.

This is just silly. My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire. Cha-ching.

Dear, oh dear. Oh goodness. I think I'm really learning a lot from my creative writing classes.

The entire experience is just indescribable. My dad has a weird hobby. He collects empty bottles.

Which sounds so much better than alcoholic. I really like what mechanics wear. Overall.

Question. What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, bang-bang? Answer. An Amish drive-by shooting.

Or Amish drive-by shooting. Did I already? Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse. But enough about Kanye West.

Let's have a look. I recently gave a talk to a group of backpackers. They were on the edge of their seats.

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas tree. The assistant asked me, Would you be putting that up yourself? I replied, No. You knew? I'd be putting it up in my living room.

I was raised by my father. My mother left before I was born. Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do.

He spent his whole life in the kebab business. Always buried with all his equipment. Probably turning in his grave.

That's got a visual there. You know, the old kebab turning things. Anyway.

There's nothing but porn on TV these days, I tell you. Makes me so angry. I sit at the end of my bed and shake my fist at it.

My girlfriend says that I'm afraid of commitment. Well, she's not my girlfriend. More a wife.

I can't read that. It's very funny though. And even though I'm proud my father invented the rearview mirror, we're not as close as we appear.

All right. We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mum. In fact, passive-aggressive psycho turns five tomorrow.

Oh, that's all of his. Well, it's not all of them. It's the only ones that I could read.

Let's go back. So this is from Rodney Dangerfield. He was very famous for his one-liners in his stand-up.

So again, I'm reading off just one-liners dot com. I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I call my dog Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room. I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it. My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance and traveller's checks.

I think my girlfriend has had 61 boyfriends before me because she calls me her 60-second lover. One day, as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, hey buddy, why are you doing that? He said, because you came home early.

I do realise I'm not doing justice to the delivery for any of these jokes. I do realise that. My uncle's dying wish.

He wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. Last Christmas, I got no respect.

In my stocking, I got an odour eater. On Halloween, the parents sent the kids out looking like me. With my old man, I got no respect.

I asked him, how can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff. With the shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction. One night, I figured I'm going to let my wife make the first move.

She went to Florida. My psychiatrist just told me I was crazy. I said, I want a second opinion.

He said, okay, you're ugly too. In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity. So he threw the teacher out the window.

I stuck my head out of the window. I got arrested for mooning. I found out there's only one way to look thin.

Hang out with fat people. This is terrible. I feel like I want to do his impression.

I tell you, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

What child did I had? Why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me. Let's have a look at what other ones there are. The time I was kidnapped and kidnapped.

The kidnappers sent my parents a note saying, we want $5,000 or you'll see your kid again. I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.

My parents had to tie a pork chopper around my neck, so that the dog would play with me. Let's have a look, see what else. I came from a real tough neighborhood.

I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it. Once on my birthday, my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great-uncle fought for the West. I'm gonna leave on this last one.

It's a funny one, I can't read that. I'll tell you one thing, I know how to set aside my wife in bed. I leave.

So that's it, I think. There's quite a few of them. I've bookmarked that page, so I will revisit it at another time.

Not right now, obviously. So I thought it'd be nice to have a little bit of light relief. Just a little bit of light relief.

Just a little tittle bit, you know. And as I said, none of those jokes were mine. They were read from the internet.

From whatever the website was I was reading from, that I kept mentioning in, in, in. So, I'm gonna go. I just, uh, have a lovely day.

Wherever you are, thank you for listening. Remember to be kind to yourself, because you deserve to be happy. Lots of love.

Bye.