#309 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (22nd January 2020)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name's Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

And what else is there to say? And yeah, so you can stream this recording free as well as downloading it for just £1. So you can stream it for free, download it for £1 on my website. Okay, jasonnewland.com. That's a boring start.

The thing is, as I started this recording, I'm hearing banging. I should explain what I mean when I say that. I think the cleaners are here cleaning the hallway or something like that.

So by banging I mean the sound of doors being slammed and the part of the broom that's being used to sweep the floor, bashing against the door, that kind of stuff. Because where I live we've got this metal, we've got a staircase because it's handy for getting upstairs. And then there's this frame.

I don't mean like a picture frame. But what do you call a thing that you put your hand on to rest? Whatever it's called. So walking up and there's a thing you can rest your hand.

You don't rest your hand on it really, do you? You just put your hand on there and just leave it there. Have a little break. I mean that you can help to support yourself.

They'd be called banisters, wouldn't they, I suppose, on a staircase. But it doesn't seem right to use the word banisters because I don't think anyone's used that word since the 80s. But I'm not sure.

Anyway, I got one of those and it goes all the way around as a, I guess, as a security, safety thing, you know, so that people just don't end up walking off the ledge. Because it's hard to, it's not hard to explain. I just can't be bothered.

I can, I can try anything. So if they say, if you go up the stairs, there's on the left hand side, on the right hand side, there's a wall, which helps keep the building up. And then on the left hand side, there's like a metal banister, kind of.

Does that make sense? And it goes all the way around from where I am, not where I am here right now, because I'm in the living room, but outside it goes round and then round again to the right. And around again, and then all the way down the stairs. So that I could literally, if I needed to, let's say I had a mobility issue and I needed a support to help me to get around, I could lean on this thing with my right arm.

Well, as if I'm going forward, I suppose left arm if I'm going walking backwards, but I can't imagine walking backwards down the stairs is something advisable to people with mobility issues. But maybe, I don't know, it doesn't seem like a very good idea. So anyway, I can walk and I can literally be supported from my flat, my front door, all the way down to the bottom of the stairs, which I think is really nice for them because they could have, I suppose if they stopped halfway down the stairs, that wouldn't have been quite as good.

Would have looked a bit weird as well, but they go all the way down the stairs, which is nice. I think they do. Yeah, they do.

Which means that, you know, as I deteriorate, as I get older, gradually turn to dust, it might come in handy, you know. So yeah, that's good. So it's not good.

I mean, it just is what it is. Got concrete steps. The stairs are made of concrete.

I mean, I don't know what other kind of materials that steps are made of. I mean, marshmallow wouldn't be a good substance, would it? Chocolate. I think the only way chocolate would be a good, make a good staircase, is at the very first time it's made, and it's untouched.

So that makes sense. So I think then I could, because you can have a nice little lick and it'll be fine. But I think once people are walking up and down, it, I wouldn't, especially as it's, you know, the stairs would be brown as well.

Wouldn't always know what, what it was, if it was still chocolate. I mean, it'd still be chocolate, but what kind of, it's on top of the chocolate. Mind you, I suppose if you've got a little drill, you could like drill a little bit out.

Couldn't you? Pull a little bit out and have a little treat, which would be nice. Perhaps just every now and then. I don't know.

I don't know if I'd want it to be made of chocolate. I think a good way, I think a good thing to be made of would be something that was firm, but also bouncy. Firm, but bouncy.

Trying to think, what, what's firm but bouncy? I don't know, what kind of material? Because you could walk up it and it'd be firm enough for you to do that. But if you slipped, you'd bounce and you'd be cushioned. You'd see, I'd like to have a firm and bouncy staircase.

And also if it's bouncy, you could just, if you're feeling a bit fruity, you could bounce on the bottom, bottom step and then land at the top. But also things, I don't know if it would work that way though, because if you, if you jumped off the top step and landed on the bottom step, it'd be soft and cushiony. But would it, would you bounce off of it like a trampoline? I don't mean that you're a trampoline landing on the bouncy staircase.

I mean if the, like someone landing on a trampoline. But then I suppose it depends if you, if you spread your body out, then it would be less of a bounce. Then if you, if it was focused just on your feet, then I suppose you'd land a little bit deeper into it, which would give it a little bit more of a spring.

But if you landed and spread your body out, you wouldn't, it'd be more spread out. So it'd be more of a soft, cushiony landing. Nice, nice, bountiful, bountiful result.

Rather than, I mean you don't land and start springing up from the bottom step and hit your head on the ceiling. Unless of course you've got something on the ceiling to make it nice and, nice and gentle. Nice and, and ideally, what's it those things that you used to be able to get that you'd, that if you put your, if you put something against it, it moved and it became that shape.

So that whatever, so if you landed in the ceiling, your head would go through it, but it wouldn't because it just leave the indentation of your head. But you'd be safe and it wouldn't hurt. And then when you moved out the, the little bits would fall back down again.

It makes sense to me in my head. There seems to be a lot, an awful lot of trouble to go to in order to do, to jump off the top of the top step onto the bottom step. So I guess you don't need to, don't need to do that.

It's not, not necessarily necessary to do such a thing. But at the same time, it seems like it might be useful and fun because if you've got a nice firm, a nice firm staircase to bounce up and down that is bouncy and you might want to bounce on it. It makes sense.

You want to have a nice little go on them, on it, on the, the, the staircase, on them, like the steps, I mean. And you want to get, yeah, I suppose you, you just, it's been joy. Yeah, it'd be nice, like getting in between them and pushing them together.

And it'd be, it'd feel nice, I suppose, you know, especially on your ankles. It would tickle your ankles, wouldn't it? Especially if like all the, the, the steps were kind of maneuverable. Is it mandible? Mandible? You know, like a, it would be like marshmallows, wouldn't it? I guess.

But without the marshmallow-ness. Well, that's another thing. If you had, if you had some stairs or steps made of one thing, let's say marshmallows, for example.

You hear the dogs, I've got the dog today. He's getting very impatient being here with me. He doesn't like it.

He wants his daddy. Nothing I can do about that. I took him out and he did a massive poo.

Huge. I'm never, ever going to get a dog. Simply because I don't like picking up poo.

Might seem a little bit selfish, but no thanks. No. Anyway, back to, back to marshmallows.

If you're gonna, if you're gonna have your steps, your, your staircase made of marshmallows, as an example, or skittles. I say skittles. Yeah, skittles.

Mind you, skittles, I get the idea if you had skittles, they could like slide you down. Like they'd have a little life of their own. They'd slide you down and then kind of go back to their normal form again.

I don't know. But yeah, anyway, so skittles, as an example, skittles. And you might think, I love skittles.

I love them. And nobody else is ever gonna use that staircase. And you decide you're only gonna walk up the part against the wall.

So you'll leave part of that staircase completely untouched. That way you can just help yourself to the skittles, have a nice lick. And also, because it's a staircase made of skittles, it's going to be magical, isn't it? It's a magical idea.

So the skittles replace themselves, because we all know if you put, you put two skittles into a, into a little tree house together, then they reproduce. They do. They're skittles.

It's a good thing. It's a common thing. Any kind of confectionery or chocolate, you put two bits of chocolate together.

One puts his willy into the other one's wonka. That's, that's how it works out. And then it's, it's, because that's why there's so many skittles.

The same with Smarties as well. Once you mark, you know those big chocolate bars? What is it? Toblerone, Toblerone. They don't reproduce quite as much, because the birth's just too painful.

So, so you've got skittles. You've got this staircase with skittles, and you lick it, and you know, it's always reproducing. So it's always a nice fresh batch.

The problem could be is, I mean, you've gone out of your way to get this staircase. It's not something you can buy in your local superstore, is it? You know, by the way, I'd like a, where's a skittles staircase, staircase section, please? There is no such thing. What do you mean there's no such thing? No, we don't do them, but we do have the Mars Bar Garages over there.

Oh, okay, lovely. What about the KitKat kitchens? I mean, that wouldn't work, would it? Can you imagine having a kitchen all KitKat? Kettle, toaster, the oven, the microwave, all made of KitKat. The fryer, I mean that, that deep fat fryer made of KitKat.

I mean, it'd be brilliant for the first day. I mean, it'd be a chocolate orgy, wouldn't it? It'd be wonderful. But then it'd just be a mess.

Just be gunk. It'd just be melted KitKat everywhere. It'd be sticky and gooey and not very practical, I think is what I'm trying to say.

So you've got this skittle, you have to get this skittle staircase from Magical Skittle Fairy. Well, actually the correct term is the Magical Skittle Fairy producing, no, the Magical Fairy that produces Magical Skittle Staircases. Got it out.

And so you have to go into a forest, obviously, because that's where the Magical Fairies that produce skittle staircases live. And you might say, well, how am I going to find them? Because there's so many fairies in the forest. And it's easy because they live, obviously, in the skittle tree.

And so how will I know which one's a skittle tree? It's kind of obvious, isn't it? You lick all the trees until you find the one that tastes like skittles. It makes sense. Do I have to work everything out for you? Anyway, you go through that process.

You sell your soul so you can have this skittle staircase. I want to say sell your soul, but, you know, one day you're going to have to do the Skittle Fairy that provides your skittle, Magical Skittle Staircase, a favor in the future. So that's one issue that's a possible problem in the future.

But the other thing is, once you've gone through all that process, it takes ages to build it. It isn't, it's not self-assembly. It doesn't come in a flat pack, you know.

And got some lovely, lovely background sounds from downstairs and sounds like they're having a good old clean. I don't mean themselves, but, oh, let's have a cleaning party. Let's clean each other.

Nothing there. Sorting out the flat or whatever. So I thought it was the cleaners that do the hallway, but it wasn't.

It's, I think it's downstairs. But anyway, I digress. I digest.

So there's this skittle staircase. Eventually, eventually, you're going to get fed up with it. It's skittles.

And the next day, it's still skittles. And the next day, it's still bloody skittles. Every day, the same skittles.

And what turned into being a dream come true, a miracle, a living miracle, almost, you know, your one wish in life, you know, that was that old world peace. And you thought, no, skittles, skittle staircase. And it's like, okay, great.

Eventually, it goes from being a magical skittle staircase that's been given to you by the magical skittle fairy that produces magical skittle staircases into being a staircase, just another staircase. And you might think, oh, I don't know. I mean, it's skittles.

How could a skittle staircase ever just be a normal staircase? Well, it has been built to be functional. You know, it's not just a big pile of skittles, a big pile. It's actually a staircase.

You can walk up it. Otherwise, how would you get to the the other floor? How would you get to your apartment or your flat if there weren't stairs, hence the word staircase? And you might say, yeah, yeah, well, don't go on. I'm not going on.

I'm just explaining to you that that is, you know, it's actually a functioning, workable staircase. And then it kind of becomes a staircase and it loses its excitement, you know, because the best will in the world, it's quite difficult to get too excited about a staircase. I imagine when people get, you know, those staircases you can get that have a little chair that go up and down.

I mean, it doesn't go up and down, you know, like you don't want those silly cars that people have that like jump up and down on the wheels. Not like that. It has a reason.

It goes up the stairs on the side of the wall and takes people with mobility issues up to the top of the stairs and back. Now I've sat on those and they're a lot of fun for the first two, three hundred times. Then it gets a bit boring.

You may say, yeah, but it's not actually for people. It's not supposed to be a fairground ride. And I said, well, fair enough.

It's not supposed to be a fairground ride, but it is quite a good fairground ride. And you may argue saying, well, you can't argue because it is fun. You say, well, if it's fun, you wouldn't walk around and you wouldn't put someone's hearing aid in you or wear someone's glasses or, you know, carry a walking stick around if you didn't need to.

I said, no, I wouldn't, because that's not fun. Those stair lifts are both fun and also useful because I am lazy. Don't like to do anything unless I have to.

I want a B-day. Unfortunately, I'm a knight. You get to see that.

You want a B-day, but you're not because you're a knight. No, I want a B-day. I'd love to have a B-day.

In fact, I'd probably use it when I didn't need to use it. But that's a different thing. The old joke is that I can't afford to be a B-day, so I have to stand on my head in the shower.

So the thing is, with this magical skittle staircase is, is, is, this is the thing, the thing. It's going to get boring. Very boring.

And then what do you do? What do you do? Because it's boring now. It's just the staircase. Just the staircase.

And you spend all that money and all those wishes and all that time and all that energy and whatever else you've spent time on. And you've got a staircase that's just a staircase. Now, some people might say, ah, but it's a staircase.

And I think that's a bit of a rubbish argument because we already know it's a staircase. I mean, how can that be an argument? Ah, but I'm going to tell you something that you already know that's factual and it has no significance at all on what you're saying. Oh, okay.

It's a staircase. Yeah, I know. So what do you do? You could go pick a mix.

Have a bit of variety with your staircase when you choose it. Maybe licorice allsorts. You could have a licorice allsort staircase.

But I'm not a big fan of licorice allsorts. I'm not, you know, I'm not a hater. I don't, you know, I'm fine with it.

Just not my, I suppose I've got more of a sweet tooth than a licorice-y kind of. Licorice doesn't really do my taste buds. It doesn't give me, doesn't make my taste buds hard, if you know what I mean.

It doesn't give me that taste buds explosion that perhaps something like a crunchy would. I don't know if you have crunchies where you are, but they're nice. Or Maltesers or, see the dog's exactly the same as Andre.

He's leaning on a carrier bag. Has to lean, has to lay on something that makes noise. Always, always.

So I think I'd probably choose a, I don't know, so I wouldn't choose chocolate on its own because you can't always tell what, if it's, you know, if someone's been walking up there and it might not be chocolate. I live near a park and there's a lot of dogs out there. I'm talking like dog walking, dog walking, dog walkers walking dogs.

That's what I mean. So, you know, like I might come home one day and think, are some new chocolates grown? Some fresh new chocolate and regret having thought that. So I'm like, no.

But I suppose we go back to the original theory that nobody touches the staircase ever. No one ever goes up there. What about dust? You may ask.

What about it? Or what about the dust will get onto the chocolate or the dust will get onto the sweets. Now I would have it self-cleaning. It'd be self-cleaning staircase.

So, you know, once a month for a few days it, you know, release whatever, you know, whatever that it didn't need and it'd clean itself. So it'd be a nice, nice self-cleaning staircase. And I suppose I could have a jam donut staircase.

So I like jam donuts, but sometimes I only like donuts and sometimes I like the jam and sometimes I like jam and the donuts at the same time. And I do like sugar. That might be the answer because, however weird it might sound, because donuts are savoury.

I know they've got sugar and jam, but the actual donut itself is savoury. It's pastry. It's a kind of a savoury food.

So, or not, depending on whether I might be wrong, it's happened three times before during this recording. So jammy donut. I don't know how wild that came to my mind, but a nice jammy donut staircase.

Of course I'd have to go to a different fairy. I'd have to go to the jammy donut fairy. I'll just lick all the trees till I found a nice jammy donut tree.

I suppose that'd be the one that was the one that was going to say bleeding, but not bleeding, but jam coming out of it. And I like, do like a bit of jam, but I think if I was going to choose a jammy donut staircase, I'd quite like to have different flavoured jams. I do like jam, but I'm not, I'm not, I wouldn't want to just have the same jam design or the same jam flavour all the time.

So I guess how it would work is I'd have a mixture of donuts. Not all of them would have jam in them. There'd be some, uh, ones without jam.

There'd be donuts, maybe with some icing on. Or I could do that now. I could do a nice iced donut, or with a cherry, a nice cherry.

Uh, I could, uh, that, I'd say that new staircase, I couldn't wait to take its cherry. I'd be like, oh, I need that. And every day, like I just like, should I have a cherry, or should I have one with jam on, jam inside, or one just with a hole.

So that would be handy at certain times, just to have a nice, a nice, a donut with a hole. So I could enjoy the hole. Because sometimes I don't always want jam.

Sometimes it's just, it's nice, and it's nice sometimes to have them without sugar as well. Without anything on at all, just a nice donut without anything, and just enjoy it for what it is. Also, I'd have to have different varieties.

So there'd be cold donuts, and there'd be warm donuts. Because I love, I love a warm donut. That comes from when I used to work in a, in a bakery.

Well, it's a restaurant, but I had a bakery attached. And they used to make warm, well, everything was warm when it came out of the oven. But the donuts, I used to make them.

I got given the, the job to make the donuts. So, and I'd be frying them. And then when they were cooled down, I'd put in the jam.

And then I'd, I'd always put in too much jam. It was brilliant. And then I would cover them in salt, or, well, only if I couldn't find the sugar.

I would look, they look the same, and it looks the same. And it's funny to watch the, the customers eating them as well. You know, but, oh God, it tastes all salty.

Why is there so much jam in it? It's going everywhere. So yeah, it was, it was fun. It was a good job.

Well, it lasted. Not sure why it ended. I think I got sacked for some reason.

I don't know why. Oh yeah, I was stealing. That's it.

Yeah. And so I stole their hearts. They fell in love with me.

Now, so I had this staircase, I suppose, donuts, but not just jammy donuts. Okay. An assortment of donuts.

Some with icing. I could really eat something with icing on right now. Like a Belgian cake.

Icing. Belgian currant cake. Lots of currants.

Icing. That'd do me a treat. That would set me up for at least two hours.

And then I've got some jams here. I've different types of jams. So there's strawberry jam, raspberry jam, blackberry jam, apricot jam.

Is there a banana jam? I'm not sure if there is. And what other kind of jams is there? And walnut? No, there's jam. Prune jam? Is there prune? Yeah, you can get prune jam, can't you? Prune jam.

And that can lead to a different result, but it's still nice, you know? I suppose that's, I mean, really, that'd be, yeah, certain times of the year, a bit of prune jam. Prune jam donut would definitely help me out at certain times. But then I could be creative.

And I like to be creative at least once every four and a half years. So I'd like, I could have different shapes. I could make new creations of donuts, like a peanut butter donut.

With peanut butter inside, so you bit into it and all this brown stuff squirted out. Or I suppose you could have the whole, yeah, so the brown stuff would squirt out of the whole. Or you could have a, you could have a hole, like a donut with a hole in it, but inside the circle could be peanut butter.

Or marmite. What about that? A marmite. That's it, that's the dog.

He's got all this carpet and he has to lean on paper or a carrier bag, has to make noise. Everyone in the world has to make noise or sound, always, always. I don't know why.

I don't know why. So what other things? So there's marmite donut. There would be whatever.

You could have a meat spread donut, like a pate. Yeah. Beef burger donut.

Chili con carne donut. Pizza donut. Can you imagine that? It's a donut, but when you bite into it, there's actually a slice of pizza in there, which would be a bit weird.

What other donuts could there be? Or if you want to like throw people off, you could have a donut disguised as a pizza. So when you introduce the staircase, so welcome to my world famous donut staircase. Someone says, oh, there's a bit of pizza there.

It's not a real donut staircase because there's a bit of pizza. And I say, well, go and help yourself then. And they get in and bite into it with absolute happiness on their face and they get a mouthful of jam.

They realize it was a donut all along. Yeah. Because just because something looks like something else that it isn't, doesn't mean it is or not that thing.

So what other things could I have inside a donut? Milk. Milk in a donut, couldn't you? In fact, it could be like a breakfast cereal. In fact, you could have milk and cornflakes already there.

So it could be a ready breakfast, a breakfast ready. So you could take it, maybe eat it on the bus or the train on the way to work or walking down the street maybe. And or if you're flying a plane, of course, nothing better than to eat something nice and clean like that.

And I suppose you could just suck it out, couldn't you? You could stick your tongue in and just suck it out of the hole. Or you could bite part of it off and you could use the donut as a whole, as a like a little bowl. So you've got all the milk and the cornflakes inside and you could maybe, maybe, you know what? Maybe we could have like a little donut shaped spoon or a spoon shaped donut or a donut shaped spoon that was actually made of donut.

You could eat afterwards and then you could have the breakfast cereal and then eat everything else afterwards. So that could be a whole new line, you know, breakfast donuts but on my staircase. So that'd be one meal sorted, wouldn't it? Now I suppose for the other times of the day, I could have the evening meal.

So I can have a donut with, yeah, I could have an evening meal donut. We open it up, eat it and just have a full meal in there. Gravy, beans, potatoes, peas, veg and whatever else with it.

Maybe lasagna, yeah, and parsnips, some pears, yogurt, you know. I mean it wouldn't need to be a big, big donut really. It wouldn't take up much room.

Might need to take the yogurt out of the carton and just mix that in with the gravy and everything just to save a bit of space. Otherwise it'd be a bit ridiculous, wouldn't it? How are you going to fit a yogurt carton inside a donut? That'd be a silly idea. And if there's one thing I don't do, I do not have silly ideas.

I'm very sensible down-to-earth person and I think that comes across in my recordings. The sensibleness, the professionalness, it's very rewarding to know that I'm so respected among the hypnotist community and helping people with, I'm not sure what it is I'm doing but someone's listening so that's good. What other things could I have? You could have a dessert.

I mean you could eat the donut as a dessert. I just thought about that. I didn't think about that before.

The donut, because it's fairly sweet, especially if it's got sugar on it and maybe jam in it, you can have that as the dessert or you could have what's that? Those soufflés, soufflés inside the donut. Wow, imagine. Wow, wow, that'd be wonderful.

And what other things? You could have ice cream. Now that's perfect. I can't imagine anything better than ice cream inside a donut, especially a warm donut or you could have a Knickbocker Glory inside a donut.

So you could have fruit or fruit juice, ice cream, maybe custard if you wanted but I wouldn't have custard but you can have lots of different things. A nice chocolate flake. See the thing is when I was young we used to have angel delight instead of custard.

We had things like trifles because I didn't like custard. Did not like custard, was not a thing I liked. So if you're thinking, you've been thinking all the way through this, what's wrong with a custard staircase? Wouldn't that make sense? Well, no, it wouldn't, would it? Wouldn't make sense at all, which is why I don't have it.

And now the dog's trying to get my attention, wanting me to go out. He doesn't like, and literally it's not even been, he hasn't been indoors an hour yet. He doesn't do this when he's with his dad.

He doesn't have to go out every hour. He literally, I mean, I'm just, the amount of poo he did, he could have built a staircase. Well, not he couldn't have built a staircase because I don't think he's a builder or a magic staircase fairy made of poo.

So you know that probably wouldn't work. Mind you, to have him with me meant I wouldn't have to lick every tree because he'd be able to sniff it out, wouldn't he? Not the poo fairy because that's not what I would go for. And the whole point of this is to have something nice.

And Angel Delight, I don't know if you ever, ever had Angel Delight. It was yummy. I'm not even sure if it still exists, but it was ever so yummy.

Yum, yum, yum, yum. I remember thinking when I first tasted it, when I was probably about seven, oh, I like this. And the second time I tasted it, I thought, yeah, I definitely do like this.

I agree with myself on this particular subject. And the third time I tasted it, I'm not sure what happened because I think I'd kind of forgotten about the first two times and I just ate it. I wasn't in a, wasn't in a conversational mood within myself at that time.

Didn't feel like commentating on every aspect of the dining experience, which you know, sometimes happens. So with this staircase, that custard would be gone. I'm not a custard person.

I'll tell you what I do like. I like choux pastry. I don't mean literally choux, because you know, when I was, when I was younger and we'd have chocolate eclairs there and so, oh, do you want chocolate eclair? And I said, yeah, okay, what's it made of? Because you know, I like to, like to know this stuff.

And I was told, oh, it's made of choux pastry. I say, no, thanks then. No, thanks.

Very kind of you, but no, no, no. So was the ice cream made of underpants? No. What are you talking about? No, no, no, thanks.

You can keep your underpant ice cream and your choux pastry and your, and I couldn't think of what to say then. You know, I was on a roll, but then I just like, I went dry and like, oh, I was doing really well. I was kind of pleasing myself at the time.

I remember because I wrote down in my little diary, I think it was Tuesday, the 2nd of March, 1977. And I wrote down, yeah, I'm pleasing myself today. Yeah.

So I had, I had, what else would I have? I like choux pastry though, once I realised it wasn't made of choux and it's among my favourite things in the world. You've got the chocolate eclairs, which are long, with cream inside and chocolate on top. But you've also got the other things, what are they called? Like the balls that, so you've got the long thing and you've got the balls, the long thing.

You know, if you, if you, if you hold it, it squirts out the end, you know, got cream and stuff and you get your hand all sticky. But that's chocolate for you, isn't it? It depends. I like them when they're cool, when they're out of the fridge, as opposed to in the summer on the beach, having been in my rucksack with my underpants and my, and my swimming trunks for the last three hours.

You know, that's a gooey mist that, and no mistake, that's just, yeah. So I prefer out of the fridge, nice and cool, the chocolate's hard, not hard enough to, to break my jaw, but hard enough to be crunchy-ish. And oh, talking about that, there was a time, I don't know if you know this, there was a time where you could get, you might still be able to get it, but there was this chocolate in a, in a tube.

And it, sometimes it was chocolate, sometimes it was, kind of minty, minty chocolate. And you could squeeze it and you could put it onto ice cream and it became hard. I like that.

I like that a lot. And I used to love it, but I can't remember seeing it probably very much since the eighties. So I don't know if it's even made anymore, because I bought some a couple of years ago, which just, it kind of negates what I said previously, that I hadn't seen it since the eighties.

But I thought this was the same thing, but it didn't go hard like the one in the eighties. It was just almost, stayed a bit sticky and a bit gooey. And I thought, no, no, no, that's not right.

And I remember I had the bowl of ice cream and this sticky chocolate on. I went back into the supermarket. I said, look, I bought this and it's supposed to be hard.

I want to be able to push my spoon onto the chocolate and crack it. And the bloke said to me, who I spoke to, he said, I'm sorry to hear that, sir. This is the fish counter.

Well, where do I go then? He said, well, you see over there, if you turn left, there's the chocolate on top of the ice cream counter. I'd see the lady there. I said, oh, okay, thanks.

I said, how will I tell which one? She said, he said, oh, she'll have a chocolate spread on her head. I said, what? He said, yeah, that's just something she likes to do. She did it when she was in the bakery counter as well, but that's why they moved it to the chocolate counter, chocolate spread on top of ice cream counter.

And it just kind of works out a little bit, which is better because the person that used to work on the chocolate on top of ice cream counter used to have a baguette on his head. So now he's in the bakery. I said, really? He said, yeah, I know.

It's a funny old place. I said, yeah, tell me. He said, yeah, I know I'm telling you.

I was here when it happened. I was here when I told you. I mean, why are you telling me like I should be surprised I told you? I said, I'm not surprised that you told me or I'm telling you that you, I've lost track of the conversation.

He said, yep, that happens a lot for some reason. And so I said, well, thanks for your help. And he said, are you forgetting something? I said, what? He said, you're not going to give me a kiss.

I said, no. You're not a little one. I said, okay then.

So that's fine. And you know, swap numbers and stuff. So I went and went to the counter to the lady who had the chocolate spread on her head, who was looking after the chocolate spread on the ice cream counter.

And I said, hello afternoon. She said, hello. And she looks at me.

I look at her. And this is like a standoff, you know, we're kind of not saying nothing. I'm not saying nothing.

She's not saying nothing or she's not saying anything and I'm not saying anything. And eventually she says, yeah, can I help? I said, well, I'm waiting for you to say afternoon to me. She said, what? I said, well, I said, hello afternoon.

And you didn't say it. She said, yeah, I did. She said, no, I didn't.

She said, yeah, I did. And I said, no, no, you didn't. And she said, well, what can I help you with today, sir? Can I help you today? And I said, not today, but in three days time, I'm going to come back.

So if you can help me then. She said, what? I said, yeah, you can help me today. That's why I'm here.

She said, see you in three days time then. I said, because you're stressing the word today when you're saying, can I help you today? I'm here now. I wouldn't be here now if I didn't need your help.

She said, well, actually some people come to just chat. I said, I highly doubt that. She said, what are you saying? I said, I'm not standing that far away from you.

I said, I highly doubt that. She said, oh, okay. I just didn't hear you.

I forgot you were there. I said, what? You forgot I was here? She said, yeah, yeah, I was thinking of other things. What? What were you thinking about? She said, oh, something about, I just had this really good idea, something I can do at home.

I said, what, what, what is it? She said, well, I'm thinking about getting myself. Don't laugh. I said, well, I can't guarantee that.

And, but after I've only known you a little while, there's a chance I can't imagine I won't. She said, what do you mean by that? I said, well, no, I'm just saying, I'll try not to laugh. She said, okay, I've got this idea for my house.

I'm going to get myself. Are you ready for this? I said, not sure, but yeah, go on. She said, I'm going to get myself a jam donut fridge.

And I said, fridge? Do you mean staircase? Staircase? That's ridiculous. And then we danced and danced. Everyone in the whole, whole store started dancing, doing the tango, fandango.

And, uh, it was almost like the ending of a, a big musical, you know, balloons and, uh, poppers, fireworks going off. It was, it was so lovely. And, uh, everyone involved took a bow.

And I said, thank you for everything. It's been a lovely experience. And cause I like to lie and everyone lived happily ever after.

And they fell asleep deeply and they all remembered to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy. Lots of love. Bye.