#314 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (27th January 2020)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. Yeah, so um, just thought I'd read you out a nice little message I got.

It is from uh, oh there it is, I'll put it into my review section. It was a like a message sent from a website. It says uh, it's from Vicky.

Hi Jason, I've been listening to your Spotify. Hi Jason, I've been listening to you on Spotify since I had a stroke in July 2019, age 34, which has left me partially sighted with severe anxiety and depression and I find your podcast really helpful. So thank you Vicky.

Chances are Vicky might not be listening to this podcast because it possibly it's the, well it might be the relaxation for stress and anxiety and panic attacks podcast that Vicky's listening to, but there's no way of knowing if that's the case. Um, I just put three and three together and added it up, you know, kind of uh, figured that might be the case. But some people listen to more than just one of my podcasts.

So yeah, it's really lovely. Thank you. So today is uh, officially I suppose as you listen to this, it's Monday the 27th of whatever day is, January.

So hello and welcome to this day. I've done very little the last day. Um, I was watching boxing last night or the night before, you know, because I sleep during the day.

So, uh, before I went to sleep, I was watching, I made a recording, the let me body to sleep recording during the last, uh, fight I was watching because the audio was off. So I just like not matched with the actual boxing itself. And then in the last round, the whole thing just cut out.

So I didn't get to see what happened, but I got to see who won cause I managed to get it back. So it was a bit rubbish, really. Same thing happened with previous fight as well.

So it was, uh, not the best way to watch it really, but, um, that's okay. So, um, I'm just going to look. I thought what I'd do today before I say anything else.

Do you know, I've just watched on telly. It was one of these, um, programs about the railway. I don't know if you ever seen any of these programs there.

They'll show like a railway station in operation and they'll show the staff, interview the staff. And it's kind of like a, reality program really. And this done the same with cruise ships have done the same.

You have TV has done the same with, uh, airports and they've done the same with, you know, uh, like digging, digging tunnels, uh, you know, sort of through the channel and those kinds of things have done those, or those kind of reality programs for that. What other ones have done the same for building big structures, big buildings. And you've got another one that's, they've got one, which is called, um, I forget what it is, but it follows people going into houses and clearing up the hoarders, like the hoard, like the hoard hoarding houses.

I don't know, you know, where people hoard lots of stuff and they go in and clear it all out. I know they've got that in America as well. And they have it here.

They have reality shows following people, clearing drains. Can you believe it actually? It's just like what? And then I have other programs focusing on shops like Harrods or other, other reality programs focusing on factories. There's so many of them.

It's, I didn't realize how many of them there was until I started listing them. I mean, there used to be a really popular one about the airport. I forget which was more, it wasn't so much about the airport other than the airline in the airport.

And I think it was one of those cheap airlines, the ones where people pay for really cheap tickets and then complain that they don't get a good service. And yeah, that one, it's a weird that, isn't it? Personally, if I could afford it and I was going to fly somewhere, I'd get the most expensive ticket I could. I want to make sure I get there safe.

Oh, can you imagine the pilot? It's probably not true, but I just imagine the pilot on those cheap flights, you know, just being an agency worker, getting paid minimum wage, sitting there thinking, I don't care about this. We'll get there, I suppose. Might as well take off now.

Should I check the fuel? I don't know. I'm sure someone must've done. I don't get paid enough.

It's above my pay grade. And then, and I think, you know when people leave their jobs and they give a month's notice and I've only ever done that once, I think. Well, I've actually given a month's notice and I've worked the whole month.

Very, very strange experience because I found myself becoming less and less interested in the job. I cared less and less the closer I got to leaving for good. And I didn't even try.

I wasn't intending to be like that. I just started to notice that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what I do right now.

It's not going to make any difference to me. However, I did have a position where it made a difference to other people. So, you know, I made sure that I did things correctly.

But at the same time, I was letting people off because I was listening to calls and I was being probably a bit more gentle with what I was doing. Not hugely, but just a bit more. I had to force myself to do the job properly.

This is years ago. This is back in 90, what, 2007. And it was just really weird.

I think I started thinking, you know what, this is what it's like for me and I'm doing a job which is really unresponsible. You know, there's no, there's not really any responsibility in what I was doing as far as affecting people's lives in any huge way. Imagine someone's a doctor or a surgeon or a paramedic or a policeman woman or a pilot.

Can you imagine someone in the middle of an operation saying, just like dropping his tools and just starting to take his jacket off and at the same time, what are you doing? No, no, it's fine. I've finished now. What do you mean you've finished? Yeah, I've finished.

I gave them a month's notice. That's it. It's six o'clock and that's the end of me working there.

Yeah, but it's an open heart surgery you do. It doesn't matter. I'm finished.

I've done. I've given them a month's notice. I'm not doing overtime, am I? I mean, I did loads of overtime before, but now I don't.

See ya. I mean, I just, obviously I'm sure that has never happened ever. And, you know, someone that's a surgeon, there's a much, you know, I'm sure they're brilliant in every way.

But just, just that idea, like, you know, in the middle of an operation, like, oh, okay, bye. Maybe someone in a pilot jumping out with a parachute. My shift's over.

Gotta get back to my other job now. Yeah, I was thinking about that. So, but don't worry, I'm not going to go any further into that because it was, that was even boring for me.

Oh, I'm tired today. I say today, you know, because it's still today for me. It's today for me until probably six o'clock in the morning.

It's just, I had a really, really lazy day. And there's something I've been wanting to do for a while is the Deep Sleep Whisper Hypnosis podcast. I've been neglecting that a little bit in a sense of not making any new recordings for, you know, a little while.

Yeah, I managed to make a new one every day pretty much for this, this one. I mean, it's 27th of January now, and this is my 26th recording of the year for this podcast. So I've only missed one day so far out the whole month, which is, I think it's a first for me.

I don't think I've ever done that many in one month before for one podcast. And I've done quite a few for the relaxation for stress and anxiety as well. I've even got, start to get regular with the Sleep Hypnosis Weekly podcast.

But that's just once a week. So that's fairly, should be fairly easy to do. But the Deep Sleep Whisper for some reason, well, there is a reason.

The reason for it is finding somewhere quiet. Because when you're whispering, you almost need there to be no background sound at all. Because everything else is, it's more noticeable, from to me anyway.

It distracts me when I'm doing the recording. So what I've decided is what I don't normally do, sometimes I do it with the Deep Sleep Whisper, is I'm going to put together some ideas of recordings I'm going to make. So I've sat here for about an hour, and I put together ideas for eight new recordings.

For the Deep Sleep Whisper. And what I'm going to do in the next six hours, I'm going to record, I might actually record a week's worth. I can do three an hour.

It's 20 minutes each. So I can do, I could do two an hour really, then have a break and then do another two. So I could two, four, six.

So yeah, so I could definitely do a week's worth tonight, or you know, this morning. And then just upload them as the day comes. So record them when I can find a quiet space, and then record a few.

Which isn't how I normally do things, not really how I like to do things. I like it to be more organic. And more, so it feels more natural, you know.

Which is why I generally record these recordings to let me boil to sleep the day that I release them. Occasionally I'll do it the day before, like in the evening. So maybe I might make a recording at 10 in the evening, and then release it, you know, sort of midnight.

Because maybe there's nothing on telly, or I just fancy doing it. But the, I don't know, just, I don't have a really, really quiet place. It's not noisy in here.

And I've got soundproofing on the walls. I've got my shed, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to sit in the shed.

But it's a bit, there's a little light in there, which, you know, you couldn't, you couldn't even, I can't even see my feet with the light on. And you may say, Jason, that's your belly getting in the way. Stop it.

I'm just saying, it's the light doesn't shine enough to even shine and light up the floor. So there's a bit of work needed doing on that, in that shed. But once it's done, it'll be nice.

I'll get, once I've soundproofed it outside and inside, and then I'll add, I'll get some lights, invest in some really nice, decent lights that are bright enough for me to feel comfortable in there and not feel like I'm sitting in a shed in a bedroom, which is at the moment what I'm doing. And then it'll feel relaxed. And I can just sit on the chair, stretch out and just do my recording.

And it'll be groovy. Yeah. So that's, that's what I'm planning for that.

But we'll see. We'll see. Just, I mean, what I'm intending to do is I've got these strips of soundproofing on the left side of me, on the left wall.

And they're self-adhesive on the back. They've got, they come where you just peel off the strip at the back. And it's, it's really sticky, proper, pretty much stick to anything.

And it could honestly, it's so, it could stick to a snail's bum. It's that sticky. Seriously, even things that it wouldn't, I don't know why I said that, but it's just basically, it would stick to pretty much anything.

And quite long. So my aim over the next few months is to get as many of them as I can and start applying them inside to the point where everything is covered, including the floor, the wall, ceiling, everything. And then maybe even add another layer on top.

So the whole place is completely soundproofed. And then add outside as well. So that nothing, yeah, so there's, that will double soundproof it.

So I put it on outside of the shed. So nothing that I say will get out, nothing, anything will get in. So just make it much, much, well hopefully it'll be really good.

And it'll be clear. And the thing is, it's not very big. So it's okay for like a short recording, but I don't think I particularly want to spend too much time in there, you know, doing recordings.

So I quite like being able to sit here. I've got the telly on, but it's on mute. Yeah, I've got my laptop over there if I need to get to it.

I've got a drink. I've got my my tablet, you know, all that stuff that I've got access to and Andre running around. But I don't, I won't have any of that when I'm in that, in that shed.

I can take a tablet in there, of course, but there's not enough room to have the laptop. And so yeah, I'll see. I mean, part of me wants to get rid, get rid of the whole thing, but that would just be ridiculous.

Oh, just look at this website. And it's got this bar, you know, where you can share stuff, like to Facebook, Twitter, Pinting, Pinterest, but it's basically in the way of the whole page. It just, oh, so annoying.

Okay, so let's have a look. If I go in, Google wants to use my microphone. So allow Google to use my microphone.

Allow. So what I'm going to do, oh, waiting. So I'm going to Google funny jokes.

So let's see what comes up. Funny jokes. Funny jokes.

Funny jokes. Nothing's coming up. Oh, dear.

So I put funny jokes, but I don't want to say anything that's gonna upset the world. Funny quotes. That's it, that'd be a good one.

So this is keepinspiringme.me. Cool funny quotes, 300 funny jokes that make you laugh out loud. So I thought let's have a little read. So I thought I'd do this just as a bit of light relief.

Just for, you know, read out a few of these. And for me, really, just to give me something to look at as well. Right, so this is the website's called keepinspiringme.me. So these are 300 funny quotes to make you laugh out loud.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away, and you got his shoes. That's from Billy Connolly.

Okay, this is A. A. Milne. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. So this is Abraham Lincoln.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. Another one from him. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? That's a good line.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. Again, a Mr. A. Lincoln. The only mystery in life is why the chimpanzees pilots wore helmets.

No, I'll read that again. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. That's Al McGuire.

Chimpanzee. I should be able to read by now, shouldn't I? Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

That's Alan Duns. Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. That's true.

Albert Camus. That's a true Islamist. So this one.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably, they are both disappointed.

Albert Einstein. See, none of this is my words. This is other people's words.

If you've got a problem, go and speak to Albert. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. That's Mr. Einstein again.

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening. Alexander Walcott. I won't read the next ones.

Some people might get upset with that. It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. Andy Berowitz.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. Andy Rooney. At every party, there are two kinds of people.

Those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is they're usually married to each other. Anne Landers.

Another one by Anne Landers. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. I was going to talk about this.

I saw in this program, a guide. You know you get the guide dogs. This was a guide horse.

I kid you not. Seriously, a guide horse to travel on the trains, the underground trains in London. A guide horse.

Now it wasn't a big horse. It was, I suppose, a miniature, I don't know, a miniature horse or something, but it was still big. You know, it's a horse.

It's still a hell of a lot bigger than any dog you'll, well, most dogs you'll ever see. Whose idea was that? A horse on a tube train, which is full, packed with people. I mean, a dog would struggle to get on, but a horse, I don't know, it just seems strange.

And what was weird about it is they put this bag on its bum to catch the dung, but it didn't work. So it basically let rip all over the floor, which is funny. Anyway, doctors are just the same as lawyers.

The only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. What? That's Anton Chekhov. Blimey.

Arthur C. Clarke says, I don't believe in astrology. I'm a Sagittarius and we're sceptical. My opinions have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.

Ashley Brilliant. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. Ashley Brilliant.

Trouble knocked at the door, but hearing laughter hurried away. Benjamin Franklin. Mr. Franklin.

Here's something about Benjamin Franklin you might not know. He is one of the most famous Americans in history, but he was on the board of basically deciding whether or not hypnosis was real or not. Seriously.

And he concluded that, well actually it might have been mesmerism, but he decided that it wasn't. He decided it was, I suppose, suggestion, which is what hypnosis, that's what it is anyway. But yeah, he wasn't, I think he was a big fan.

But a lot of people aren't a big fan of things I don't understand, are they? Have you noticed that all the people in favor of childbirth are already born? That's Benny Hill. Oh dear. That's the most absurd thing ever.

It's the same, you could tip it over the other way if it's still the same. Oh dear. Be who you are and say it.

That's tickled me. I don't know why. Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Bernard Bruch. Most people would sooner die than think. In fact, they do so.

That's again Bertrand Russell. The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. Bertrand Russell.

I'm calling Bernard. Facebook just sounds like a drag. In my day, seeing pictures of people with vaccinations was considered a punishment.

Betty White. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. Bill Mayer.

If there is anything the non-conformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another non-conformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of non-conformity. Bill Vaughan. Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Bill Vaughan. The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. Bill Watterson.

Okay, right, so I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. Billy Connolly. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Billy Sunday. This is Billy Wilder. If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

And this next one's from Bob Hope. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. Yeah, that's a good line there.

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. Bob Tate. We never really grow up.

We only learn how to act in public. Yeah, I kind of agree with Brian White. As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices.

Take it or leave it. That's Buddy Hackett. That's pretty much the same when I was a kid.

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus. They laughed at Fulton.

They laughed at the White Brothers. But they also laughed at Bonzo the Clown or Bozo the Clown. That's Carl Sagan.

Yeah, it wasn't that funny really, was it? My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. Caroline Rea. All right, everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

That's Casey Stengel. This is from Charles D. Gore. He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

This is Charles Lamb. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.

It's already tomorrow in Australia. True, Charles M. Schultz. Is that the one who did Peanuts? The Peanuts character.

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong. That's Charles Wadsworth. Charlie Chaplin says a day without laughter is a day wasted.

Good old Charlie. Not sure about your moustache though. That wasn't quite as popular as it once was.

Political correctness is tyranny with manners. Charlton Heston. Fair enough.

I wouldn't want to argue with him because he might shoot me. High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. Christopher Morley.

If you love something, set it free. But don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes. Chuck Palahniuk.

This is from Clarence Darrow. When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become president. I'm beginning to believe it.

Ooh. Claude Pepper. A stock broker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year.

I told him at my age, I don't even buy green bananas. They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

That's Clint Eastwood. Did you hear that? Andre's moaning. I wonder what he dreams about.

Colonel Sanders. This is, it says, I'm too drunk to taste this chicken. I can't imagine that's true that he said that.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that book, duh, Conan O'Brien. Or duh, duh, duh.

This is another one from Conan. Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, Jesus, this cup is expensive.

Cullen Hightower. Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

This is from Cynthia Heimel. If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already? And this one is, if you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. Dalai Lama.

It's true. Mosquitoes definitely make a difference and they're tiny, aren't they? Remember today is some, actually, probably when he said sleeping with a mosquito, probably like getting stung by the mosquito when you were asleep. I thought it was talking about making love to one.

Okay. It was a Dalai Lama after all, so it probably is not talking about the latter. Where does my mind go? My darling, when I am alone in my bed.

Remember, today is tomorrow. Today, remember, remember. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Yeah, Dale Carnegie. It's true, isn't it? Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. Daniel J. Burstyn.

And this is from Dave Barry. Dave Barry. It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

It must be a fact. Also another one from Dave Barry. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

And this is from Daley Roth. I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. This is from David Letterman.

Everyone has a purpose in life. I just imagined him saying this. Everyone has a purpose in life.

Perhaps yours is watching television. A bit of a put-down to his audience, wasn't it? This is Dimitri Martin. The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce instantly.

Instantly. A failure is like fertilizer. It stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.

Dennis Wheatley. Yeah. Dennis Wheatley, or Waitley, he's a business person, or was.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it's more likely to be female. Desmond Morris. Well, Desmond Morris is the expert, so I don't know if that's true or not.

I wouldn't even, even pretend to. As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. Dick Cavett.

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. Don Markrey. This is from Dorothy Parker.

Isn't she in The Wizard of Oz? The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. This is Doug from Doug Larson.

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails were edible. Yep.

Another one from, this is Douglas Adams. You know, the universe, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe. Human beings who are almost unique in having, human beings who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others are also remarkable for their apparent disclination to do so.

Yeah, that's a mouthful. Another one from him. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.

And one more from Douglas Adams. There is a theory which states that if ever, there is, I'm much better with shorter sentences. There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre, inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that it has already happened. Dr. Seuss says, don't cry because it's over. Smile because it's happened.

Drake, Dr. Drake, King Drake says, I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection. He's done pretty well though, hasn't he? An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. What? Dylan Thomas.

I don't care. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

E.B. White. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Earl Wilson.

Try missing a couple of car payments. That's a good one. Try missing paying your mortgage or paying your bills.

You start getting people calling at your door, phoning you up. The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government. That's Edward Abbey.

And this is Albert Hubbard. Do not take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.

Eleanor Roosevelt. Was that Roosevelt's wife? A woman is like a teabag. Again, this is not my words.

This is what this person said. A woman is like a teabag. You can't tell how strong she is until you put her into hot water.

I suppose that could go for Ben as well. It could go for anyone, couldn't it? My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.

That's Ellen G. Ellen G. Generous. I like that. Oh dear.

A computer once beat me at chess, but there's no match for me at kickboxing. That's Emo Phillips. Another one from Emo.

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand. Another one from Emo. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. If you've ever seen Emo Phillips, you know that he's got a very, very specific delivery. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. That's kind of Emo style. Leave something for someone, but don't leave someone for something.

Enid Brighton. Go away Enid. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Irma Bombeck. Another one from her. Never have more children than you have car windows.

Yes, that's a pro. Amos Hemingway. I drink to make other people more interested.

I thought that tickled me as well. Oh, great art is the contempt of a great man for small art. I don't get that.

That's F. Scott Child. And Fren Leboz is you're only as good as your last haircut. This is from Francois de la Rochefort.

Good advice is something a man gives when he's too old to set a bad example. And marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. Fred Allen says, I can't understand why a person would take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

Another one from him. The first time I sang in the church choir, 200 people changed their religion. And George Bernard Shaw, or Bernard Shaw, patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

Yeah, that's just natural truism, isn't it? It's not a joke. And George Bernard Shaw again, we learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. George Burns, oh, George Burns.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city. It's another one from George. If you live to be 100, you've got it made.

Very few people die past that age. If you live to be 100, you've got it made because very few people past that age die. You know you're getting old when you're stooped to tie in shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

Oh dear, sorry, I'm making too much noise. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? Again, George, that's George Carlin. Another one from George Carlin.

I was thinking about how many people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me, they're cramming for the final exam. And George Carlin says, I'm in shape, round in shape.

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done? George Carlin. I feel like I'm going to do an impression of George Carlin, but I won't. I can, but I need to speak louder.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. Another one from George Carlin. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

This is George W. Bush. To those of you who received honors, awards, and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say to you too.

I say to you, I say to you too, can be President of the United States. Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop. That's Gertrude Stein.

Groucho Marx. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. Another one by Groucho.

Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife. Dear oh dear.

Groucho. Groucho, he used to have wives and girlfriends. May they never meet.

Another one from Groucho Marx. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. So I thought that was Woody Allen.

But there you go. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho. Another one from him. If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I'll be happy to do it for you.

And I think the last one is from Groucho Marx again. Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. I'll leave it.

I just read this one. I'm gonna leave you with Harry Hill. Get ready.

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day, that you realize how often they burst into flames. I thought I'd just do a bit of a... Yeah, that's pretty kind of all I'm doing today. I just read out some funny stuff.

Henry Youngman. This is from Henry Youngman. If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Oh, this is one. Hillary Clinton said this. If I want to knock a story off the front page, I'd just change my hairstyle.

How cool is that? Probably true as well. So I'm going to go. I'm going to say thank you for listening.

I hope I bored you to a nice restful state of relaxation and calmness. And I shall speak to you probably again tomorrow. If you like what I do, leave a review.

If you like what I do, leave a review. Wah, wah, wah. Remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy.

Lots of love. Bye.