#303 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (16th January 2020)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let me bore you to sleep. Please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes. If you like what I do then please leave a review on my website, maybe a video review.

And if you'd like to help towards the running costs of this free service then also go to the website. Now, before I carry on with the recording, a couple of days ago, I think it was Friday or Saturday, I did a recording on my squeaky chair. Damn chair's so squeaky.

And I mentioned, I talked about my neighbor who had to get an ambulance for and climb through the window all that stuff. I wouldn't normally mention anything like this in this kind of recording but a few people did ask or inquire about her well-being and unfortunately she passed away. So just sort of letting you know, just found out about an hour ago.

So I'm not going to be talking about that but just wanted to just for those that kind of wanted to know. So you know just my thoughts are going out with family at the moment. So which is a bit of a possibly a depressing start to the recording but I'm not going to be focusing on that stuff in this recording.

I'm just letting those of you that wanted to know just sort of be updated as it were. All right, let's have a look. Oh, I'm tired.

So today, or actually for the last three days, I've made, I think it's three days. I've done about three recordings a day. So I've done one deep sleep whisper hypnosis.

I've done one let me bore you to sleep recording. And I've done one relaxation hypnosis, stress, anxiety and panic attacks. And I've done a lot of I've been getting over 4000 downloads a day.

So I mean, I was quite surprised just from the relaxation hypnosis for stress. Such a mouthful, isn't it? That one, that podcast is getting 800 downloads a day just on its own. It's like wow.

So yeah, I'm quite pleased with how things are going there. So that's good. So I'm trying to think what would be I need to go to sleep.

What would be a particularly boring subject to talk about? And there's lots of things that would be boring. So what I'm thinking about what's it called? What's the thing called when people say stuff and it's meaningless? Don't say you mean your podcasts, Jason? No. Oh, there's a word for it.

I say meaningless terms. What would that be? Meaningless terms. Meaningless nonsense, the pontistory.

Meaningless words. Okay, just have a look. Oh, this is one.

Meaningless words quoted. Okay, so meaningless quotes. This would be a good one.

So I'm going to read some of these out. This is from Goodreads. Yeah, so these are some quotes I'm going to read.

Okay, turn it over so I can actually see it. All right. Here's number one.

Half of what I say is meaningless. But I say it so that the other half may reach you. That's Kahlil Gibran.

This next one is from Alan Wilson Watts. And people get all felled up because they want the world to have meaning as if it were words. As if you had a meaning.

As if you were a mere word. As if you were something that could be looked up in a dictionary. You are a meaning.

Well, it wasn't quite what I was looking for, actually. Okay, what I'm going to do. And yeah, funny quotes.

Okay, so I'm going to read the, this is a list. This is a list of the top 100 funny quotes. So it's cool funny quotes.

That's the website. So here we go. Here's the first one.

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones. That's why it's called a cell phone. Okay, what is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water.

Your secrets are safe with me. I wasn't even listening. The next one.

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems. I'm tired of solving them for you. And the next one.

Did you just fall? No, I was checking if gravity still works. Okay, there's that one. It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing.

I have those skills. All right, next one. There are 100 billion nerves in the human body.

And there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them. Right. The next one.

You don't have to be crazy to hang out with me. I'll train you. All right, this one is.

I had an extremely busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. This one says, it may look like I'm doing nothing. But in my head, I'm quite busy.

I don't understand people who say, I don't know how to thank you. Like they never heard of money. Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say, I know it's hard, but you'll be okay.

Here's a coffee and a million dollars. Why is Monday so far from Friday? And Friday so close to Monday. There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired.

Today, I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing. Dear life, when I said, can this day get any worse? It was a rhetorical question, not a challenge. I hope we're good friends until we die.

Then I hope we can stay ghost friends, walk through walls and scare people. Sleeping is hard in the summer because the blankets are too warm. But without them, I'm vulnerable to monsters.

Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh. Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.

Then it becomes a soap opera. Right, this next one is laughing is one of the best exercises. It's like running inside your mind.

You can do it almost anywhere. And it's even better with a friend. Why so funny is it? You never realize what you have until it's gone.

Toilet paper is a good example. I like that. A good speech should be like a woman's skirt.

Long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest. That was from Winston Churchill, apparently. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it.

But it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. This one says insanity equals doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein.

Don't be stupid, it might make you famous. Right, the next one is I don't know what's tighter, our genes or our friendship. I don't really get that one.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. If you can't laugh at your own problems, call me and I'll laugh at them. Listen, smile, agree and do whatever you are going to do anyway.

Life's biggest struggle. I need to pee but I don't want to get out of bed. That's why I have plastic sheets.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. I've been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don't think being an adult is going to work for me. I can relate to that one.

A stupid person laughs three times at a joke. Once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first. I've done that.

How come iPhone chargers are not called apple juice? There's something missing in my life. I just don't know if it's a puppy, a person or a slice of pizza. Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up.

I've made it from the bed to the couch. There's no stopping me now. Not to brag or anything but I can forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it.

Just because I'm awake doesn't mean I'm ready to do things. I did a push-up today. Well actually I fell down but I had to use my arms to get back up so close enough.

You had me at will make it look like an accident. Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going. I just cleaned the house top to bottom so now I'm going to need everybody to stop living here.

I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though. Your idea is completely terrible.

So what time should we do it? If Facebook has taught us anything it's that a lot of people aren't quite ready for spelling bee. Never let your best friends get lonely. Keep disturbing them.

I shall have a little drink while I'm... I moisten my mouth. You can stop driving me crazy. I can walk from here.

How can you make sure you never miss your target? Shoot first and whatever you hear call it the target. I like that. I want time to sit and read, take a nap and snack.

Basically I want to be in kindergarten. I think that's pronounced kindergarten isn't it? Kindergarden. It's a garden of kinder eggs.

Most of the time when you're... when you're what? Okay I'll read as it says. Most of the time when you're re-crying nobody notices your tears. When you're re-worried nobody feels your pain.

When you... oh when you're... When you re-crying when you're crying it's just this the gap there's there's no gap between the re and the e and the c. Okay I'll read it again. Most of the time when you're crying nobody notices your tears. When you're worried nobody feels your pain.

When you're happy nobody sees your smile. But when you fart just one time learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

That's a very good point. I love ordering things online because when they arrive it's like a present from me to me. Son, if you really want something in this life you have to work for it.

Now quiet they're about to announce a lot of numbers. That's from the Simpsons apparently. How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff ruff.

How does the cold dog bark? Scarf scarf. How does the confused dog bark? What what. Huh.

In math class we learned more about algebra today such as x plus 10 equals y. Should I care? I'm not lazy. I just really enjoy doing nothing. I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.

I love that. I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake. That's my favorite one.

I always carry a knife in my purse just in case we're having cake. I don't know if that would stand up in court though. The broccoli says I look like a small tree.

The mushroom says I look like an umbrella. The walnut says I look like a brain. And the banana says can we please change the subject.

Always follow your heart but remember to bring your brain along. Sometimes I'm grateful that thoughts don't appear as bubbles over our heads. Oh yeah.

Wow there'd be no friendships. It'd be oh imagine if everyone knew what you were thinking all the time. A relationship without trust is like a cell phone with no service.

All you can do is play games. On mercury a day lasts 1,408 hours just like every Monday does on earth. An adult is a person who no longer grows in height but instead grows in length and width.

Your personal horoscope 100% free. Click here. I don't get that.

Oh it's an advert. Okay. They say that love is more important than money but have you ever tried to pay the bills with a hug? If we shouldn't eat at night why is there a light in the fridge? Brilliant.

Brilliant. I love that. If we shouldn't eat at night why is there a light in the fridge? I don't mean to brag but I put together a puzzle in one day and the box said two to four years.

That's about my level. I walk around like everything is fine but deep down inside my shoe my sock is sliding off. People say I act like I don't care it's not an act.

I was thinking of getting a German shepherd once but I didn't want to learn another language just to have a dog. If you don't succeed at first hide all evidence that you tried. I would like to apologise to anyone whom I haven't offended yet.

Please be patient. I will get to you shortly. After a while I eventually fell in love and there was nobody to pick me up.

I don't normally read them before I read them out but I just did this. Why did Adele cross the road to say hello from the other side? Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

These are like Christmas cracker jokes. I wasn't mad but now that you ask me seven times if I'm mad, yes I'm mad. So it turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

Your personal horoscope 100% free. Click here. I fell for it again.

It's an advert. Be crazy. Be stupid.

Be silly. Be weird. Be whatever.

Because life is too short to be anything but happy. I only have one wish in life. For all my dreams to come true.

I like that. When someone doesn't like something it's often because they're not familiar with it or they're too familiar with it. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have thick fingers.

Because they pick their nose. If you think nothing is possible try slamming a revolving door. I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because no one knew this level existed.

I love making friends. I usually prefer to make them out of plaster and give them funny looking hats. Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them they stop working.

A cop pulled me over and told me papers. So I said scissors. I win and drove off.

Alcohol. What's that? It's not in my vocabulary. But let me check.

In whiskypedia. Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around. Your personal horoscope 100%... Got a new phone today.

My old one failed the swimming test. Last night the internet stopped working. So I spent a few hours with my family.

They seem like good people. In a room full of art. I'd still stare at you.

Oh romantic. Or creepy in whichever way you're looking at. If you have an opinion about my life please raise your hand.

Now put it over your mouth. The alphabet begins with ABC. Numbers begin with 1, 2, 3. Music begins with Do, Re, Mi.

Do, Re, Mi. And friendship begins with you and me. If I won the award for laziness I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich. That's really kind of a... more of a statement isn't it? That's from Violet Matters. That's a... yeah... not quite sure what that would be called.

I want to change my name on Facebook to nobody. So when I see someone posting something stupid I can like their post and it will say nobody likes this. Best friends equals they know how crazy you are but still to be... still choose to be seen in public with you.

The best advice I have for all my teachers during a test is to pass the test out as fast as possible before I get forget everything. Well there's another like punny pun pun. Never play poker with the world's fastest animal.

Because he's a cheetah. Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20-minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

Cat life... I don't know how to say it. Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's one love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.

Life can be boring but let's love it anyhow. Or cats mice foxes wolves frogs grasshoppers swans swan cow. Your personal horror... A best friend is like a four-leaf clover.

Hard to find, lucky to have and green I suppose. I added that a little bit. Retirement is when you stop living at work and start working at living.

Why wait? Why wait for retirement? I always intended to pay for my sins but I could never afford it. Let's have a little drink. Instead of calling it the john I'm going to start calling my bathroom the gym.

That way I can say I go to the gym every morning. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love Albert Einstein. Most of us don't realize it but we're all part of something much bigger than ourselves and we're all connected in some way not just through Facebook.

This is supposed to be funny quotes that's not funny. If love is blind why is lingerie so popular? Some friends are like the wind. I very much like the wind.

Some friends are like the wind some are like mountains. Mountains they come in and breeze out of your life or they are there for a lifetime. Very sentimental some of these.

I think something's missing in my life like two two to three million dollars. Yep. If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly then why did it fall off? It's probably the best question I've ever heard ever.

I always say morning and said a good morning because if it was a good morning I'd still be asleep. Everyone wants your happiness don't let them take it. You know the oxygen masks on airplanes.

I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams. Rita Rudner.

It's so hot outside that I went to buy vegetables and by the time I got home they turned into soup already. Modern intelligence. So that's this is modern intelligence.

If all bathrooms in the house are taken turn off the internet. I suppose what does that mean people who are new. When they say bathrooms they're talking about toilets you know places where you poo or places where you have a bath.

You know there's a difference a different activity. You know nightclubs. You don't have bathrooms in nightclubs.

You have toilets in nightclubs. I've never been to a nightclub and gone and had a bath ever but I have done a toilet. Never had a bath though.

Not in a nightclub. Never been into a pub and had a bath. Just go on to the bathroom.

No you go into the toilet. Never been in a restaurant and gone and had a bath. Just gonna have a bath before dessert.

Oh okay. No. Toilets.

Just go into the restroom. Why why why? You need a rest do you? Or do you need to lay down? That'd be a bedroom then wouldn't it? Just go into the bedroom. So that's just me talking okay.

If everyone knew what I was thinking I would get punched in the face a lot. I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign and we played tic-tac-toe on top of it. In my house I'm the boss.

My wife is just the decision maker. That's Woody Allen. I'm multitasking.

I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. I know some people don't like me but what can I do? Not everyone has a good taste. I wish I was a kid again so everyone would be proud of me for taking a long nap.

This reminds me of my little brother who was all at the dinner table and he comes in with his yellow potty. It was yellow. I remember it was yellow and he comes in and he's all excited because he's done a poo.

It's a little little poo like a like a little chocolate round chocolate Malteser thing in a little bit of yellow water and he's shown everyone and everyone's so proud of him. You can't do that as an adult. Long time ago I used to have a life until someone told me to create a Facebook account.

Oh, oh. If you can't find your better half, try finding your better two quarters. Sleeping on my keyboard.

If I answer I'm talking in my sleep. Your personal... An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough. I made my Facebook name Benefits so when you add me now it says you're friends with Benefits.

I'm just going to flip this omelette okay. We're having scrambled eggs. Since there is only one of me, does that make me limited edition? Yes, it does.

Dear humans, in case you forgot, I used to be your internet. Sincerely, the library. I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food.

I don't even know where sandwiches live. Just imagine sausage rolls running around the forest. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.

Coincidence? You know the potholes on a road are bad when they assign lifeguards to them in case anybody falls inside. Here's another Christmas cracker one. How was the dog's day? Rough.

Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Thursday. I did that once. Well not the Thursday Friday thing but I was at work and it was like 10 minutes to the hour.

I start packing my stuff away, start you know shutting down the computer and everything. Then I remembered that I don't finish till six o'clock. It was only five o'clock.

Completely forgot what time I finished work. Strange isn't it? Just putting my glasses down there in case you wondered what the sound was. Living on earth may be tough but it includes a free ride around the sun every day.

That's true. I dream of a better tomorrow. Where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. Marilyn Monroe.

I'll call it a smartphone when I yell where's my phone and it yells back down there in the couch cushions. Here's Andre. It's weird he comes out of his he sleeps in my old sweatpants but like tracksuit bottoms.

He loves it. He's got the legs and you know my legs aren't in there but you know the you know the shape of tracksuit bottoms and he likes sleeping in them so I just you know oh today oh it's bad this is bad and anyway he gets out and he just starts scratching himself and he's asleep and he looks around and he runs back and gets inside again and but earlier today my friend came up with his dog so what I did is I picked Andre up he was asleep inside the tracksuit bottoms so I'll pick him up in them and I put him on the bed. I put him on the bed and so I don't disturb him you know.

I'll close the bedroom door because he tries to bite the dog. That's what he wants to do. It's weird why he does that.

So then my friend goes and why am I wearing oh yeah I'm getting ready so he goes and I'm getting ready because we're going to go out so I get um I'm getting ready to go out so I walk into the bar at the bedroom to do something I can't remember what it was uh yeah I'll basically oh yeah I'll get to put my trousers on and there's some tracksuits so I'll pick up the tracksuit bottoms thinking that that my other tracksuit bottoms I'm wearing now and I pick him up and he falls out of

them onto the floor and just I mean it wasn't far but it's still and he landed on his feet and stuff but it's like oh he's like hugging him and kissing him saying so sorry because I didn't mean to do it I didn't I forgot he was in there.

I suppose it could have been worse I could have sat on him. I've done that before but just oh he was fast asleep but he's really good like that he doesn't hold grudges.

I say that but you know I'll probably get into the bedroom and see what he's done some weird stuff with the cushions and the pillows which he has done in the past but um that was really strange a lot oh I'm so sorry I'm hugging him and kissing him like oh because I didn't mean to do it oh that's weird okay I seem to have I don't know how many are on here because I seem to have gone down I changed my password everywhere to incorrect that way when I forget it it always reminds me

your password is incorrect how that's funny that's very very clever if you had to choose between eating tacos or tacos every day or being a skinny for life would you choose hard or soft tacos I've never even had tacos I think there's a taco bell in my town now and never been in there I'm not I have um what do you call it like stomach thing I take tablets for I don't know but spicy food hot and spicy food although I like it tastes lovely you know there's no arguing on that one for me but

it doesn't necessarily do my me any good as far as like heartburn and stuff like that so I have to limit myself to that sort of stuff but it tastes good really but I've never had a taco not a proper I've had you know the ones my friend makes them you know another friend used to do it as well where you'd you get the the shells or the the pocket things you buy in separate or pot I don't know what they call them and then you you know there's like you give you a mixture and

you just add that to whatever whether it's mood mood whether it's meat or vegetables or whatever kind of adding that together to make a I don't know taco or kawante I don't really don't know what it's called I remember he did a was it chimichangy the chimichangy what's the one where you got all the like um not biscuits like crisps or chips potato chips but with like nachos and nachos nachos yeah nachos and cheese and stuff and my friend who lived in the house he had the ump because we were helping ourselves using forks and

spoons he's getting so angry it's finger food yeah it's finger yeah what you're supposed to help yourself with your fingers I said look I know where my fingers have been I'm not putting anything that my fingers touched into my mouth just saying he didn't seem too excited about uh helping himself to anything near where I'd been eating either I said okay finger food I'll hand you yours enjoy enjoy there you go right on your plate an extra pretty an extra special a special taste that you might get there don't worry about it though it's finger

food I want to be like a caterpillar eat a lot sleep for a while and then wake up beautiful I put the pro in procrastination or procrastinate you and I are really more than friends we're like a really small gang that's the secret to life replace one worry with another oh true friends don't judge each other they judge other people together I know my limits I don't always obey them but I know them by the way those uh just remind you this is from this is the top 100 funny quotes from cool funny quotes on

a line all you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water and it's 100% not pizza my grandpa's car is so old when he parked in front of a museum they towed his car inside the museum a true friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though they know you're slightly cracked think you're smart come over and help move my homework did you did you ever notice whenever you need your keys the most that's when they're hardest to find my neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and

I told him of course he could so long as he didn't take it out of my garden what's happening with your phone every time I call you it says what's happening with your phone every time I call you it says the subscriber you're calling is a monkey please contact the zoo I don't get that it was me this is this is probably about uh 17 years too late it was me I let the dogs out I'm like pac-man when I'm at a party I eat everything and run away from everyone coming close to me stop

destroying the earth it's where I keep all my stuff spilling hot coffee on your laptop no oh no okay like that which would make more sense actually spilling hot coffee on your lap wakes you up faster than drinking it well I would say spilling hot coffee on your laptop wakes you up faster than spilling it on your lap and faster than drinking it when I spill coffee or coke on my laptop I never boozed so fast chocolate doesn't ask silly questions chocolate understands I'm not crazy my unicorn just needs to tune up two mice are

eating a movie film roll at a cinema when one says to the other this movie is good but the book was better this one's from joey adams never let it never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you this is this is a nice bit of wisdom actually you can imagine someone quite elderly saying it to a young person but it's so uncondescending you know it's so nice that it's I like this one it says smile while you still have teeth good advice another fine day another fine day ruined by responsibilities poor rules

you're not allowed to do anything that begins with the words hey everyone watch this you love flowers but you cut them you love animals but you eat them you tell me that you love me so now I'm scared I'm gonna order a pizza five minutes before the new year then when it arrives I'll say I ordered this last year three monkeys escaped from the zoo one was caught watching tv the other playing hockey and the third one was caught reading his and the third one was caught reading this quote dear sleep I'm sorry we broke

up this morning I want you back I found the hotel with the most stars in the world it has an open roof so you can see them all in grammar class the teacher asked her student when you sing you say I sing what do you say when your brother is singing I say shut up you're a terrible singer it's really complicated to make something simple but very simple to make something complicated love your enemies it makes them so damned mad that's from pd east don't mess with me I know karate judo jiu-jitsu kung fu and

20 other dangerous words you're born free then you're taxed to death it's almost bedtime so I just check my email Twitter Instagram Facebook and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick I get tired from just thinking of everything I have to do when you are caught in a nice girl an hour seems like a second when you sit on a red hot cinder a second seems like an hour that's relativity Albert Einstein I'm the person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in a body of a person who wants

to sleep a lot I can relate to that I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours it's adorable I believe there should be a way a better way to start each day instead of waking up every day when I die I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep not screaming like the passengers in his car I'm not frowning I'm just smiling upside down why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone did someone else call to pay my bills and

if they did why don't you let them that's a good point there should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after a vacation how do I like my eggs in a cake I thought about losing weight once but I don't like losing there's another one of those uh kind of weird way of putting things that moment when you dip your cookie in milk for too long and it breaks off then you wonder why a bit bad things happen to good people you can't have everything where would you put it Stephen Alexander Wright

my boss is like a baby screams and wakes me up every half hour I'm stuck between I need to save money and you only live once oh here's another Christmas cracker one how does a train eat choo choo choo it's bad isn't it newspaper ad for sale encyclopedia Britannia complete set of 45 45 volumes no longer needed due to getting married my wife knows everything $200 or best offer the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest I have the world's largest seashell collection you may have seen it I keep spread out on

beaches all over the world Stephen Alexander Wright I don't like violence but I don't mind if I get hit by luck I just finally discovered what's wrong with my brain on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side there's nothing left I am so broke I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle do you ever go out and then something happens and you think to yourself this is exactly why I don't go out today I laughed until my abs started hurting so I can skip the gym I don't understand why

judges get paid so much others judge me for free hey I'm a Victoria's Secret model it's such a secret not even Victoria knows my friend remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty so the world needs you after all everyone wants your best don't let them take it away from you I see the Christmas cracker joke two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other do we take a dog or do we walk home I love my computer because all my friends live inside it

there's a bit of a truth in that isn't there whenever I'm sad you're there whenever I have problems you're there whenever I lose control you're there let's face it you're bad luck don't blame the holidays you're already overweight in August oh yes rude lazy people fact number two three four well it's about lots of different numbers there you were too lazy to read that number yeah of course beginner pilot rules the propeller is just a big fan made to cool down the pilot in the cockpit when it stops you can see the pilot starts sweating

excessively number two these are pilot rules beginner pilot rules number two you don't have to take off but landing is mandatory number three pushing forward on the flight stick makes the earth look bigger pulling makes it look smaller if you pull too much or too long however it will look bigger yet again flying is safe is number four flying is safe as long as you don't crash number five it's better to wish you were flying than to wish you were on the ground number six a good landing is a landing in which everyone walks away

and number seven besides affected apples gravity also affects planes oh dear i'm gonna leave it on that and there's another little christmas cracker here says mum says why is everything on the floor me i say gravity mum oh dear so that's has a few of the things from this top 100 funny quotes and i just searched for it while i was actually making a recording so i'm not responsible for any of the content because i'm just reading off the page for there but uh i'm thinking of maybe looking for some um i'll tell you what

i'd be interested in reading is real life stories and real life um funny adverts that people put in papers and stuff like real stuff i like real stuff it makes me laugh you know like mistakes or uh you know by well i was gonna say by accident but that's what mistakes are isn't it but things that are just really funny i like that a lot so i'm gonna go thank you for listening remember to be kind to yourself because you do deserve to be happy take care of yourself make sure you you aim some love

at yourself and i'll speak to you again tomorrow lots of love bye