#255 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (15th November 2019)

Hello and welcome to Let Me Bore You To Sleep. My name's Jason Newland and my website is jasonnewland.com. Please visit to check out all that I do and please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. Now that seemed really weird saying it, saying it all in a different order.

Normally I just say I have like an introduction and it felt almost fresh. It felt almost like, I don't know, having a bath in a stranger's house. Just, you know, hoping that you can finish before they get home.

It just felt new, that's what I'm saying. So, yeah, the website, the reason I'm mentioning it is because I've been working on it for a few hours, well also yesterday and the day before. And what I've been doing is, for each podcast, for example this one, I've been on the website, there's listed, there's basically a list, it's called podcasts, the page is called podcasts.

It's in the menu, click on that and there's a list of different podcasts. So you click on whichever one and then there's a list of places where you can listen. For example, Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Spotify, Spreaker, Overcast, you know, there's lots, lots of different ones.

And so I've been doing that. It's proper long-winded, it's just, it's taking forever. And I started this process about a month ago and I have little surges of energy where I give it another go, you know, and then I think, but now it's much more organized.

So I'm about, so I'm about a quarter through it, which is quite good. So I'm just trying to make it easier for people to find stuff. For example, I had one of my followers on, or one of my listeners on Facebook contacted me because she couldn't find one of my podcasts on Spotify.

So it's basically for that, as I'm trying to, for those situations so that everything is available on the website. But I know a lot of people don't go to the website because they're just used to just, you know, using the podcast. So if you use Spotify, that might be where you found me.

But there's a chance, not listening to this one, but if you might be listening to an old podcast, The Let Me Boy To Sleep, that only goes up to number 86 or something, and think that that's, that's as far as it went. Well, actually, I've gone into over 250. But I, basically how Spotify works is when you, when you start a new podcast, wherever it is hosted, Spotify takes it, it downloads the episodes.

And so even if you get rid of your podcast, your podcast will still be, all those episodes that you'd had there are still available on Spotify, at least for quite a while. And I think they've started to change it and get rid of ones that are no longer active. But, so it can be a little bit confusing sometimes.

For me, for me, so I've been working on the website, and there's loads of, you can hear that noise, it's the website, the website's the, the laptop making all that buzzing sound. So, you know, in the future, if you ever do hear buzzing sounds, it's because it's the laptop, and any farting sounds is Andre. Glad we got that cleared up.

So, oh, oh, god. It's really strange what happened today, right, or yesterday. For the last two weeks, apart from a couple of nights, one was Saturday night when I was watching the boxing, and that was all night, I've been sleeping during the night.

I've been waking up early in the morning, regardless of what time I go to bed. So it's kind of my, my sleeping patterns changed a bit. And I had a meeting at midday yesterday.

So that was Thursday. So Wednesday night, instead of going to bed early, like I'd been going, I suddenly became wide awake, full of energy. I was awake till about half past three, and then got up about half past seven.

See, I don't have any problems getting to sleep. It just, sometimes I just get these, it's not manic, but it's a definite boost of energy. And when I get like that, I like to get as much work done as I can, you know, ride in the wave, as it were.

I still, I think Andre woke me up at half seven. I didn't have to get up till nine. That's what time my alarm was for.

So I just got up, I thought, you know, I might as well get up at half seven, because if I go back to sleep, it'll just be harder to get out of bed. I might as well just get up when I'm awake. Which is what I did.

And then I thought, I know what I'll do. I'll make a recording. So I did that.

I did a, let me bore your pain away recording, which is kind of similar to this, but it's based on chronic pain, maybe emotional pain. You could say she's exactly the same as this, but it is a bit different. And I was doing it.

And I was talking about feeling tired. And I was talking about previous times that I'd fallen asleep during recordings, which I have a few times in the past. And I woke up about eight minutes past nine in the morning.

I fell asleep. I'm now proper, proper fell asleep. And it's recorded.

Luckily, it wasn't live. Well, I was alive when it happened, but you know, it wasn't broadcasted, streamed live. And I didn't look at it until I got home.

Well, till this evening, really. And I couldn't believe, first of all, the amount of noise I was making, snoring. But also how quickly I went from talking to being asleep.

It was probably about a minute, if not less. And that's something that I realized a few years ago, actually. So I had a sleep test.

And we do actually fall asleep quite easily, more than we realize, like quicker than we realize. And even people, this is like sleep experts say this, that have done studies and studied people sleeping. And they asked them when they wake up, how much sleep did you get? And sometimes they'll say, I only got a couple of hours.

I was awake a lot of the time. And then it actually shows that they were asleep for about six hours. But because of how they were thinking, because of the they were giving themselves a hard time, you know, about the process.

But actually, they had actually slept much more than they'd realized, which I thought was quite fascinating at the time. But now after I said it out loud, I realized how boring it was. Blimey.

No, it's interesting. And I was snoring, proper snoring, proper, really. I know I snore, so it doesn't really bother me.

But I do wonder if that's why Andre wakes me up. Maybe he's not just, he's can't tell me that. So when he's licking my ears and nibbling on my face, just to sort of wake me up.

He's basically saying, Dad, can you shut up? I'm trying to sleep. Can you stop snoring, please? So he can't physically push me over because he's not strong enough. Mind you, I think having my ear nibbled and licked is a lot nicer than being pushed, pushed over or woken up.

Can you imagine being with someone that just pushes you? You know, you can't help snoring. It's not like, no one purposely snores. Although if I could, I would, but I don't need to because I do anyway.

But having someone push me and wake me up, can you stop snoring? It's happened a couple of times in the past. And it was a little bit like having a stone in your shoe on a long journey. It's very unpleasant.

I didn't like it. Probably nothing like having a stone in your shoe, but you know, as an example. And so I went to this meeting in town and it went okay.

And then I went and got a food delivery to be delivered. That went okay, kind of. And then I took a library book back.

Then I went and had a chat with my friend who solved the big issue. I got her some food, got her a toasted sandwich and a cup of coffee. And it's raining, proper raining.

And she was standing out there. I was the only person to buy a big issue. I don't even read it.

I don't know why I buy it, but no one else was buying one. And she's just standing there getting wet. And it's, I don't know, just seemed wrong somehow.

I wish I had, if I had the resources, I'd love to sort of help her, help her sort of get on her feet and stuff. She's not lying down, she is on her feet. Just it'd be nice to help her out, you know, help her get somewhere to live that she likes.

And she does have somewhere to live, but I don't think she likes it very much. I think she's just like sharing a room with her kids, stuff like that. She kept saying to me, are you going to buy any presents for my children? I said, why? Why would I buy presents for your children? I've not even met them.

She's like, why would I buy presents for someone's children? And she said, basically she doesn't want anything for herself. She wants, you know, she wants, if she could have done, she would have probably given that coffee to her kids, her kids for school or something. She's like, okay, I'll buy a card for you and you can add your children's names to it.

So what I'm going to do is see if I've got any old cards from last year and just change the names. So someone sent me a card like to Jason, I put two, whatever her name is. I put two, what's name and kids.

So that'll be save you a bit of money. He'll buy her coffee. It's actually quite good because I went into Greggs and it just feels like I'm saying I've gone to his house, but I've never been to Greggs house.

Plus I haven't seen him for absolutely years. Well, a couple of years, a couple of years, year and a half, two years. I don't know.

Last time I saw him, I just bought some new trousers. So I remember I went to the, it was not a trouser shop. It was a clothes shop and the lady, oh yeah, I asked one person that was working there a question because I was looking to get a belt and she wasn't very, I don't know what the right word is, interested in helping me.

It was kind of like a fake hello, have a nice day, kind of fakey that, but without even any effort. I had that today in, when I got my shopping, it was enjoy the rest of your day. Like, but it was, it was almost through zombie eyes.

It was not zombie eyes, but just, it was so devoid of any kind of legitimate, genuine humanity. I don't know. It was just, I mean, when I go into a shop, I don't expect people to jump up and down all excited to see me like a little puppy.

That would be weird. And I'd probably avoid going in there. But I don't know.

I don't always enjoy the experience of the retail experience, which I think if we really looked into it, really looked into it and did an in depth research, into why the internet and shopping and buying online, you know, even purchasing shopping from supermarkets online is so popular. May not be just due to convenience, may not be to do just, just to some kind of time saving. I think it might have something to do also with the shopping experience itself, not perhaps being particularly pleasurable or less so than perhaps it used to be, maybe.

Because I remember when going shopping was kind of fun. I mean, for me, I'm more of a book person than I used to be. So for me to go shopping, it would be buying books or buying albums or, you know, that kind of thing.

But wherever I went, I liked to be able to ask questions. I mean, to the people that work there, I don't mean like random questions. I wouldn't go into a bakery and start asking about astronomy and, you know, just that.

That's not really my thing. You know, can I have three doughnuts and a loaf of bread? And can you please explain metaphysics to me whilst I wait? No. So, mind you, that could appeal to some people.

But I was in Gregg's today and there's three people, two people at the counter being served, two people, two people the other side of the counter serving and there's me. And there's a big gap between the two people, because the two tours are a fair distance away. You don't need binoculars to see them from each other and they're not like lighthouses, but they're very, you know, they're not next to each other.

So there was room for me to stand there in the middle without invasion of privacy. You know, I could turn around and my ears weren't knocking them over. So there's plenty of room.

And I bought some sausage rolls. And already, you know, this is, this story really is boring. Straight away.

This is going to be the sausage roll story. But so I got a pack, I think they're like a pound each normally, but they had a pack of four for three pound. And I thought, hmm, after a little bit of time working out on the calculator, I came to the conclusion that it's a pretty wonderful offer.

One that I couldn't resist. And I tried, I tried to leave the premises, but my enthusiasm kept pulling me back. So yes, it's a deal.

It's a deal. It's like, oh, I'm gonna go and leave it. No, but it's four for three pound.

I've saved a pound. Yeah, you're only gonna buy one sausage roll. You weren't gonna buy four, were you? I know, but I can get four for three pound.

I'd only be able to buy three sausage rolls for three pound if I bought them individually. But I was only gonna buy one. You're only gonna buy one sausage roll.

I know, but four for three pound. I was having this conversation. And I just, I need to remember to do this inside my head, but I just need, you know, I thought, so I thought, yeah, I'll get them.

And they were in this basket or this box in front of the counter. So I got them, put them on the counter. And the lady on the other side of the counter, there was two there, one of them said, pointed to my sausage rolls, don't know who's they are.

I said, I'm the person standing in front of them. They're mine. Or they will be once I've paid you money.

And I almost, do I become invisible at times? Because if I really do have that superpower, then I can use it for much more interesting things than buying sausage rolls. You know, the power of invisibility could be more interesting than that. What do you do with your power of invisibility? Or I go to the bakery and I put various items onto the counter to confuse the staff.

Oh, it's great fun. Oh, okay. You're using your power well then.

Good for you. That's just, that'd be like being able to fly, but just flying around a room, wouldn't it? It's just like, look, I'm flying. Yeah.

Well done. I mean, I can get to the other side of the room. It's six steps.

Now that I flew. Yeah. And you keep banging your head on the wall, don't you? That old argument.

And I said, yeah, they're my sausage rolls. Or they will be when I've paid for them. I've got a little bit of a smile.

Well, kind of. And then I think, ah, and there was literally only two people in front of me, and they would just take, they were ordering stuff that took time to be done. So I just, the girl that I was buying toasted sandwich for, she wanted a ham and cheese toasted sandwich.

So I didn't know if they cooked it at that side of the counter, or did I get them from the fridge? So I went over to the fridge just to look. There was nothing that I could see. I walked back to the counter and there's four people in front of me.

They've all, and I'd been waiting for about six and a half minutes already. And they all got there in front of me. And then I thought, oh, and of course the other people were serving him first, even though they knew I was waiting.

And then when the lady finished serving the person in front of me, and it was my turn to be served, she said, oh, I'll better go and close that door. So she walks all the way around and closes the front door. Like, you're avoiding serving me.

What have I done wrong? So I ordered a cappuccino, and I just got the sausage rolls there, ordered the cappuccino, and I said, she said, is it to drink here or to take away? I said, it's to take away. And she said, do you want chocolate on the top? I said, I don't care. It's not for me.

I'm not drinking about it. You can stick salt in it if you want. I really don't care.

And brick powder is brick, brick as in walls, powder. I mean, I don't, I'm not drinking it. It makes no difference to me what's in it.

And she said, so is that you do want chocolate or not? I said, yeah, I can have chocolate. She wasn't playing the game. The game being me just talking stupid, just being silly in the hope of, I just wanted to make a new friend.

And she, she said, okay. And I said, oh, I realized now I've got her, she's now serving me. So I can take a step back from the counter and still not have anyone get in front of me.

And I mean, ever, because, you know, when I was on the pavement, there were people in front of me. And I suppose wherever you are in the world, there's going to be someone in front of you. Even if you're in the desert, you may need a telescope to see them, but there'll be someone in front of you.

But at least I knew that my, my place in the world of buying sausage rolls was kind of cemented. I, you know, I had that position that I'd waited for, for what seemed like quite a while. And I said to her, oi, she said, what? I didn't say oi, I said, excuse me.

And I need to get a toasted sandwich or toasty ham and cheese. How do you, do you do it over there? Or how is it, what is the process? What is the protocol for such a request? And she said, well, behind you, there's a fridge. And which I knew because I'd already looked in there, but couldn't see anything.

But I could see things, but not those things that I was uh, using my eyes to look for. And she said, well, see if there's a toasted ham and cheese, because if there isn't, then you can't have one. Okay.

I think she said that. As I went over, I felt very safe in the knowledge that my place was saved, you know, and there was a big queue now. There was about, well, not a big queue, but it was a good, maybe eight to 10 people now all queuing.

And they all queued behind the other people. No one queued behind me, which I found a bit, well, now I think about it, I do wonder, maybe I really was invisible or maybe it was the opposite. And instead of being invisible, there was lots of me who, so they weren't not seeing me.

They were just seeing lots of me. Maybe there was like nine or 10 of me there, which would be a different kind of superpower. So that's a good thing about being able to have more than one of you is no matter what you're in life, you always have an alibi, I suppose.

And also, you always have a mirror. So you never have to have a mirror, you can always brush your hair, just have a person who looks exactly like you, yourself, brushing their hair in front of you. So you know kind of what you look like.

And now think about it, that doesn't make sense. But then neither does having lots of versions of yourself, all queuing up for some sausage rolls. So you know, you can't just pick and choose which bits are logical when none of it is.

So I went over to the fridge. I turn around, I realised when I turn around, I always turn my left side. So if I'm facing somewhere and I turn clockwise, I think would it be a turn anti-clockwise.

So I always turn to my left and then facing behind me and walk, never do it to my right. Ever. I wonder what that's about.

I reckon it's to do with the Sea Cadets. So when I was in the Sea Cadets, we used to march. I'm pretty sure, and we did march and turn right and turn left.

I'm pretty sure the turning around bit was from the left, turn anti-clockwise. And is it, I don't know what degree, is it 360 degrees the whole thing? So 100 and something. 360.

I thought 100% would be the full thing. That'd make sense, wouldn't it? 100%. Yeah.

I'm not sure. But anyway, that's what I do. And I don't know why.

But I went over to the fridge and there was one cheese and ham sandwich left. It was toast. It wasn't toasted, but it was to be toasted.

And it was another one of something else. But because I wasn't looking for anything else, I didn't bother reading the label of that one. It's just like when I'm shopping, I'm in a shop and I'm going to buy, I don't know, baby milk.

And I'm not looking at the whiskey. The different brands of whiskey. I'm there to get baby milk.

So I don't look at the whiskey, because I wouldn't have time to look at every single item in the entire supermarket. Although I do kind of wonder why the first thing that came to my head was baby milk. Why would I buy baby milk? That's a strange, strange idea.

I'm probably influenced by an advert. I think it's that carry on from the breast milk. I think it's Actimel or I forget what it's called.

But it's, you know, like breast, like natural milk replacement powder or whatever. I'm trying to stop saying the word breasts. I'm sorry.

But it's doomy breasts. So speaking about breast milk and babies, my nan, stay with me here. My nan used to, again, stay with me.

It's not weird what I'm going to say. My nan, me and my brothers, when we used to go visit her, she used to give us Farley's Rusks. And for those that don't know what Farley's Rusks are, they are beautiful still.

They're for like toddlers. And I don't know how to describe them because they can have milk added to them, like warm milk, and they get all mushy. Or they can be eaten like, kind of like a cake.

But they're really nice. And nothing tastes like a Farley's Rusk. You don't get Farley Rusk Ben and Jerry's, you know, although I think it'd be fairly popular if they did do that.

Ben and Jerry's Farley's Rusks. Haagen-Dazs. Human breast milk.

Haagen-Dazs. That'd probably be ordered online, I'm guessing. That'd be, but it would be hugely successful probably.

But so I went over to the fridge and I got this thing out. I got, I didn't get my, I got the toasted cheese and ham sandwich out of the refrigerator unit. And then I walked back.

I think I turned, yeah, I turned to my left again. I might have turned to my right to turn around. And I walked back to the counter.

And the lady that was serving me, she was still making the coffee. And I said, a little bit too excited. I said, I found one! I found one! And I, I don't know why, but I just, I think, if I was able to remember my childhood, you know, all the way through, I imagine this feeling was up there with the first time I used the potty on my own.

You know, the accomplishment. So I kind of, yeah, I remember my little brother did that. He's, I don't know how old he was.

I think he was about 14. But when he actually, actually learned to use the potty, he, he came running in, right? We were all eating dinner. He came running in, look, look.

And he wanted to show everybody. Because he was really happy. Because it was a big deal.

Because everyone, um, made it a big deal, you know? Because, well, I don't know. It's just, him being able to use the toilet now would just make life just a bit more nicer for everyone in the house, really. And, but he came, he came running in with his little potty and was holding in his hands and had some liquid in and a couple of little brown blobs floating.

And he tripped over. It just went everywhere. Oh, that's a nice memory.

So, I took the sandwich over to the lady at the counter. And it was in a bag, you know, sealed bag and stuff. And she said, she went over to the, I don't know where they did it.

It was like a cooker or something. And, um, she said, she said, uh, there's something wrong with it. I said, I don't care.

I'm not eating it. She said, no. She, cause she said, so I stopped you there.

I said, what? She said, you've already said that about the coffee. You don't care. Um, if you repeat it again for the sandwich, it's not really going to work.

And it wasn't very funny the first time, but repetition isn't always brilliant. I said, what are you talking about? She said, well, you've done over 250 of those. Let me bore you to sleep recordings.

Yeah. It's a lot of repetition, isn't it? It's very repetitive. It's very boring.

I said, ah, but it's supposed to be boring. And she looked at me and she said, but tell me the truth. I said, okay, what? She said, uh, you're not acting though, are you? I said, what do you mean? She said, when you're making a recording.

I said, I don't understand. She said, okay, I'll, I'll take the mask off. Cause she was wearing a mask for some reason.

It was Halloween a couple of weeks, a few days back and still had Halloween mask on. So her voice was a little bit muffled. And I said, uh, what were you, what'd you say? And she said, well, you really are boring.

It's not an act. You really are boring. I said, I don't understand why, what are you saying really? She said, well, could it be the cigar smoking? Is that muffling my voice? I said, no, I understand the words.

I just, it sounds a bit rude, really. I don't know why you're saying it. And she said, I don't know something about you.

I said, what? She said, I don't know. As soon as you walked in, I just, I thought, he's a wrong man. What do you mean I'm a wrong man? She said, nah, bad vibe, man.

I said, look, I just came in here to buy some sausage rolls. She said, yeah, I know. And look at the fuss you've caused.

Look at the heartbreak you've caused. All the messing about, sandwiches, coffee, chocolate on the coffee. Eh, I don't care if it's chocolate.

Yeah, I'm not going to drink it anyway. It's not for me. I said, look, listen, can you stop that? There's a queue waiting, a queue of people waiting to be served.

All I want to do is just buy my stuff, pay for it and fly off. She stopped again and looked at me. This time she put on these big thick glasses, but they had lights either side of the glasses and they were like floodlights glaring right in my face.

And she, she leant into me. She said, listen, you cannot fly. Your superpower is invisibility.

You can't fly. And I said, don't tell everyone. She says, what do you mean tell everyone? I said, don't tell all the other people.

She said, there are no other people. I said, what do you mean there's no other people? There's a big queue over there. She said, there is no there.

I said, listen, you work here. This is your job is to serve the customers. She said, there is no job.

There is no customers. There is no Greggs. And then someone came behind the counter and said, Barbara, and told you that you weren't ready to return until you were well.

And she said, I'm not Barbara. And I am well. And this, this person that came over as a man, he couldn't believe it.

He was about seven foot tall, but really slim. And at one point he had a white coat on and he turned around and he was near the fridge and he disappeared. He literally was invisible.

And he looked over at me and he said, well, I think he looked over at me because I couldn't see him. Then he walked closer and he said, sorry about this, sir. This is Barbara.

She had a few problems a couple of weeks back and kind of had to let her go. And I said, okay, that's all right. She's, she's, she's fine.

She's, she's, you know, been looking after me and, and he said, we know what's happened. We've been filming the whole thing. We plan putting on YouTube and, uh, we thought it'd be quite funny, but just, just wanted to say sorry, but also give you a heads up.

I said, well, yeah, it's, uh, we were putting on YouTube. I said, how can you, if you're the manager of this place, how can you be filming customers? With being served by a fake or, you know, an employee that doesn't work here anymore and then put it on YouTube. He said, he whispered in my ear, which I found a bit weird because he didn't just whisper.

He actually had this big tube, like a trumpet and he placed one part against my ear and then he whispered like in an echoey whisper. And he said, what you don't realize though is I don't work here. I'm not the manager and Barbara actually does work here and she doesn't know who I am and she doesn't know that she's being filmed and she doesn't know that we're filming you and her, but we are and we have and we can.

At this point I decided I was getting really hot and flustered. So I took my coat off and, uh, I said, listen, this is getting out of hand. I don't know what's going on.

Someone in the audience, not the audience, someone felt like an audience, but someone in the other queue started skipping. I was skipping rope and just like, I said, what are you doing? And he said, got to get fit, got to get fit. And I didn't understand why, because it just seemed a bit weird.

And I said to him, why are you skipping? He said, because I got to get fit. What else do you expect me to do? I said, I don't, that, that, uh, we in Greggs we're ordering, you know, it's a bakery kind of, and it's an okay place to buy stuff as long as you don't look too far back into the ownership and the people that owned it and the family members. And he said, what are you talking about? I said, I just go online.

You can see, but why are you skipping? What do you mean? You're trying to, you know, you got to get fit, but you brought the skipping rope out. He said, yeah, I know, but the rowing machine's too heavy. What? He said, the rowing machine's too heavy.

I live three miles away and I carried a rowing machine all the way to Greggs and then use that. Plus it takes up so much room. Just for, just for a bit of queuing while I'm waiting to get me cake.

I said, well, if you, want to get fit, why not just not eat any cake? He said, you'd like that, wouldn't you? I said, I don't, I don't care. I don't have an emotional connection to this conversation. No offense.

And he said, what's fences got to do with it? I don't like fences. I don't like things that, that keep people out or that separate people. I think we need to integrate more.

As a species, we need to have less division. I said a fence, not a fence. He said, oh, well, forget what I just said then, because it wouldn't have made sense based upon what you actually said compared to what I thought that you had said.

Fair enough. Okay. We'll forget that.

He said, well, I can't promise I'll forget it because I don't have that much going on in my life. So probably later on today, or even as I walk home, if I meet somebody that I know, I'll probably tell them this story. I said, surely there's got to be other things you can talk about.

He said, yeah, there's other things, but I probably will mention this. I said, please don't. Can, can we just pretend it never happened? He said, I can pretend many things.

I said, yeah, go on. He said, no, no, how is it? I can pretend many things. Well, it sounded like you were going to say more than that.

Sounded like that was the beginning of the sentence. No, that was all of it. I'll tell you something else.

Yeah. Well, he said, you're going to tell me something else. No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. No, I didn't. You did.

And stop skipping. Listen, concentrate. Gotta get fit.

Gotta get fit. I said, okay, just forget it. He said, oh, come on.

We've already had this conversation. And the more you mention it, the less chance of me forgetting it. Isn't it? I said, what do you mean? Well, if you want me to forget something, the best, the best thing really is to distract me and get me thinking about something else.

I said, like what? He said, well, for example, if you suddenly started dancing or spinning on your head, something like that. Now that would grab my attention and possibly when I do see a friend walking home on the way back after this interaction, that image and that memory of you spinning on your head will possibly rise to the top of my topics to discuss. So you have a list of topics to discuss.

He said, look, organization is key. Organization is key? Well, stop skipping. Listen, just stop for a second.

What would you mean organization is key? And just as I said that, someone shouted out, Tony, Tony. I didn't know who Tony was. Apparently Tony was the one that I was talking to.

And Tony stopped skipping and said, oi, Rob, how you doing, mate? You all right? He said, yeah, Tony. Look, I bought it for you. I machine.

Oh, I told you not to bother. He said, nah, it's no bother. I just rode it here, didn't I? And they both laughed because you can't roll a rowing machine anywhere.

It's like the in joke. But I laughed along anyway, because I kind of given up really on the whole thing. And I said to him, I said, Rob, you brought the rowing machine for Tony to do rowing exercises while he waits in the queue in the Greggs bakery.

He said, no, that's ridiculous. Okay. So what have you brought it for? He said, well, we're going to the gym afterwards.

So you're taking the rowing machine to the gym? Yeah. So the gym, as in the gym, because it's called the gym in town, that one, it's open 24 hours a day, costs 14 pound a month or whatever. He said, yeah, you know it.

I said, yeah. And you're taking your own rowing machine into the gym? He said, no. I said, okay.

He said, I'm taking Tony's rowing machine into the gym. I said, look, I haven't been in that gym for a while, but last time I was in there, there was about 12 rowing machines that are already there. He said, yeah, I know.

So why are you taking your own rowing machine to a gym that's already got 12 rowing machines in there that you could use? Why have you dragged that heavy rowing machine three miles into town to a gym that's already got rowing machines? And he said, because the seat is organized at the right length. So it's adjusted to the right length. So it's comfortable.

And I said, couldn't you just readjust one of the rowing machines in the gym and he said, nah, way too lazy for that. So you'll carry that heavy rowing machine for three miles all the way into town, but you're too lazy to readjust the seat on a rowing machine that's already in the gym. And he said, how do you know it's three miles? How do you know where I live? How do you know my name? And I said, because it's my story.

He said, what? I said, this is my story. I named you. I named Tony.

I named you. I decided that you had a rowing machine. It could have been a trampoline if I wanted it to.

He said, well, that'd be silly. Mind you, it'd be easier to, I could just bounce here, couldn't I, on a trampoline? I said, no, I don't think it really worked that way. He said, well, if you put it in your story, if you put a trampoline, but then underneath each of the legs, another trampoline.

So that bounced. And then another trampoline under each of the four legs of each of the other four trampolines. So eventually you're just bouncing the whole way.

I said, I'm not sure about that. Seems very complicated. And then he said, what do you mean you made us? You named me.

You didn't name me. I said, I did. I made you up.

See, all this stuff never happened. It's just me making it up. He said, why would you do that? To be honest with you, I'm not even sure now, myself, not sure why I did it.

Almost, almost seems a bit pointless. He said, well, why do it then? I said, I don't know. I get a little bit carried away.

And it's almost, I just don't know when to stop now. I want to end the story, but I don't know how to. And you guess what? Guess what Tony said to me? Nothing, because he doesn't exist.

Yay. So I bought me a sandwich and lady, she said to me, this sandwich has not been made correctly. It's been cut incorrectly or something.

So I'm going to give it to you free. I said, oh, thank you. And I said, I suppose you can get hold of the person that cut it incorrectly, can you? She said, why? I said, I'd like to thank them as well.

And she laughed. And we did a little waltz, a little dance on the counter together. It's very nice.

It was a beauty and the beast playing in the background. Beauty and the beast. First time I played the girl in that scenario.

And I took the sandwich, left the shop. There was an applause that finally had gone. And it was raining, raining it was.

And I gave the lady a sandwich and a coffee. And I said, see you later. I'm going home.

She said, really? Why? I said, because I live there. And it's the only door that I have a key to. And she said, what? I said, no, I'm not.

I'm not getting caught up in another conversation like that. This is just silly. She said, I don't understand.

I said, neither do I. Neither do I. So I'm going to leave it there. She said, thanks for the sandwich and the coffee. I said, I'm very happy to help.

And I walked away and I got my bus. And I came home and I went to sleep. Deep, deep sleep.

And on that note, I'm going to say goodbye. And please remember to be kind to yourself. Because you deserve to be happy.

Lots of love. Bye.