#271 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (8th December 2019)

Hello and welcome to Jason Newland dot com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep.

Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. I was going to do a shout out for someone earlier, but I forget. My laptop's all the way over there.

It means getting up and walking two steps. And I can't be bothered. I don't want to do it.

I don't, I just can't, I just, no. So I'm going to sit here. So is it Sunday the 8th of December 2019? Hello? Hello? Are you alright? Yeah.

So I've been, uh. Oh, it's very windy. Outside that is, not in my underpants.

It's very windy outside. And apparently, it's supposed to be windier. You see, I think that, uh, I'm a bit concerned about my relationship with Alexa.

Because she started to lie to me. So I think she might be seeing someone else. Because basically I said, I was sitting here, and it's cold.

You know, I've, I've got a body that can, not exactly, not necessarily read a temperature, like know exactly what temperature it is. But I know whether or not it's chilly or not. And I said, Alexa, what's the temperature? You know, I'll ask her now.

Alexa, what's the temperature? See, she said that earlier. It's nine degrees. It's way colder than nine degrees.

Four o'clock in the morning in December. It's not going to be nine degrees outside, is it? How ridiculous. That's very wrong.

Wrong. I'm not, I don't know if it's minus, but it's going to be at least like two degrees or something like that. With that wind, ooh, ooh.

The weather forecast people say that, don't they? They say, oh, it's ten degrees, but with that wind chill, it's going to feel more like four. Well, which is it? Ten or four? No, it's just going to feel like four. Yeah, but ten feels like ten, doesn't it? That's what we gauge it on, what it feels like.

Now, I could have been a weather forecast person. I couldn't, but sounds good. It doesn't, does it really? I don't know.

There's a weather forecast man on ITV in the breakfast. And he went on to, I think he did strictly come dancing. And I thought, well, that's it.

I don't watch the program, but he'll go on there and regardless of whether he wins or not, he'll be well known, because millions of people watch that program. One of the most popular programs in England. And I thought, he'd clearly get offered TV work and stuff.

I see him the other day, he's still on there doing the weather. And I was like, oh, what happened? Because usually, it's not that being a weatherman, which he is, or a weather individual, weather human, whatever it's called, meteorologist. It's not a proper job or anything, because of course it is.

It's much higher paid than mine. But being on telly, it's quite often, it's a stepping stone, isn't it? And for example, there's a couple of weather people, one really famous weather girl. We used to call them weather girls back then.

And isn't it weird how I kind of try and correct myself, weather man or weather person, weather girl or weather person, when the fact is I really don't care. I really don't care. Isn't it weird pretending to care about stuff like that? So she was Eureka Johnson, Eureka Johnson.

And in 1980s, she did the weather on ITV. And she was really, really popular, really popular. And she went on to be a big television star.

She, yeah, like, one of the biggest television stars in the country, actually. And one of the TV shows she hosted was Gladiators, which I think every country had a Gladiators, I think. It was a worldwide phenomenon.

And she hosted it with Justin Fasciani. John Fasciani? I don't know. He's an ex-footballer.

So they both hosted it together. And what other things did she do? Shooting stars, she was on that. She was one of the team leaders of that show.

So that was a big, successful show. What other things did she do? I can't think. She did do stuff.

I mean, she was, you know, she was also famous, famous, famous, you know, like celebrity fame, as well as being a TV personality. She was, you know, she'd have the newspapers following her around and, you know, who she was dating. Oh, yeah, didn't she date a famous football boss or something like that? I think.

But anyway, she was really good. I used to love her. Well, I didn't used to love her.

I didn't, wasn't able to express it. Not when there's anyone around, but I used to really, really like her. And so Gladiators.

Contestants, are you ready? Gladiators, are you ready? I liked Jet and Wolf. They were the two people I liked. I fancied Jet.

And Wolf was just funny because he was the baddie. He was, you know, like in wrestling, you have like the bad guy and everyone boos, boos him. That's what they did with Wolf.

Oh, something funny happened today. The only thing that happened that was funny, I was watching a boxing and it was the World Heavyweight Championship between Anthony Joshua and Ruiz Jr. I won't give the results in case you haven't watched it or anything. But at the end of the fight, Ruiz says to the audience, would you like to see this again? See a third one? Because they already fought in June, I think.

And he was all excited. And I said, would you like to see a third one? It's a big crowd. He says, no.

Literally, like they'd rehearsed. It's like, no. And I think they meant it.

I don't think anyone wants to see it again. It's like, no. And I've never, I've never heard that happen before.

Usually, possibly it's like, yeah, or there's a mixed reception. But this was unanimous. No.

It was in Dubai, Saudi Arabia. And you couldn't, it was like a normal ring, you know, with the ropes. And they were like magic ones.

And you can only get in if you said open sesame. Oh dear. There was no, there wasn't a referee.

There was just a genie. And a lot of rubbing going on. No.

So it was really, I found that funny. Anyway, they're like, no. Other than that, I've done very little today.

Or yesterday, you know, since I've been awake. Worked on my website. Actually, I suppose I've done quite a bit.

What I've done on the website is under the My Podcasts, the page My Podcasts. I'd already done the, listed the podcast hosts that I'm on. Spotify, Stitcher, Luminary, TuneIn, Podcast Apps, Apple Podcasts, CastBox, Podchaser, Spreaker.

That's quite good. I remember quite a few. So that was done pretty much yesterday.

And then I thought, you know what, people might be going to My Podcasts and expect to see a list of the actual podcasts. Not just a list of podcast hosts. Because if you click, for example, on Spotify, click on that, and it takes you to another page, which has the list of podcasts that are on Spotify.

Like the top six. And I mentioned this in my last recording, I think. And then you just click on one of those links.

It takes you directly to the podcast. So I thought, you know what I'll do? As well as that on their page, I'll also put the podcasts as well. So I have underneath the list of podcast hosts, I've also put the list of podcasts.

So I've got six at the moment. And then next to them, I've got all the different podcasts hosts. So, you know, Spotify, Apple, blah, blah, blah.

And you click on them and it'll take you to that actual podcast. So it's just two ways of getting to the same place. And it's quite good, actually.

I'm quite pleased with it. So I did all that. It's just like cross-referencing what I'd already done.

So that's okay, I think. And I think I mentioned yesterday that I took the adverts off. So this is something I keep learning new things.

And what I didn't realize is some people listen, sort of on, let's say on Spotify, for example, I think they listen to a recording and then they'll listen to the next one. Or they'll listen to a recording and the next one might start because they've fallen asleep and the next one starts. Well, because there was adverts at the beginning of each recording, they'd be woken up by these adverts.

Which is the opposite of what I want. You know, I'm doing this, doing the podcasts to help people to fall asleep and feel more relaxed and all that stuff. So all that groovy stuff.

So yeah, so the adverts, it's not practical at all. I hadn't even thought of it. I didn't know because I don't listen to my stuff.

I don't sit there. I don't listen to me. And I hear it first time around.

I've already heard it because I said it, if that makes sense. And I don't really listen to podcasts. I do.

The only podcasts I like, the ones I like is, if there's some educational ones on hypnosis or psychology or philosophy or I'll kind of listen to stuff like that. Wouldn't come as a sin if I was going to sort of go to sleep. I'll do that to an audio book or to music.

That'll be, but then, you know what? Listen to radio stations. The adverts, I find a bubble. The adverts can drop me out of sleep on the radio, even if it's like talk radio or classical music or something.

So I kind of understand, you know. So I've got rid of the adverts. And it's a shame because I reckon, I figured by about 20 years time, I should have about 3,000, 4,000 pound a month coming in.

20 years. So it'd be a nice little pension. But maybe I'll just do that.

Maybe when I'm 64, 69, 70. So I've got 20, I've probably got 19 years before I can actually retire. 19 or 20 years.

So I think what I'll do is maybe I'll just stick adverts on them then, you know. But then by then I'll have like, I can't imagine how many thousands of recordings I'll have by then. Wow.

So I was trying to figure out, oh, what do I do? What do I do? And I just, it's not that I've run out of ideas, but I'm just bored with thinking about it because I want the service to be free. That's the whole, like, ethos of it is to help people for free. To have a free service.

And I was never trying to make any money. I was just trying to cover the costs, which I never did. Not really.

I was getting there. I was kind of getting close. But then the costs just keep going up.

But now, for the next year, I think it works out at $72 a month for the podcast's host. And that's at discounted rate. So next December, I think it will go up to about $120 a month, I think.

Or $140 maybe, I don't know. But so I'm hoping that they'll give me a discount next year, but who knows. But I've got 12 months, so I don't need to really be too concerned about that at the moment.

But I do need unlimited because I've got so many recordings. And the good thing about this is all my stuff is safe. It's all stored.

I'm paying for this service. So I'm not going to lose my stuff. It's all backed up as well.

I don't get rid of anything. So I've got it on a hard drive on my laptop as well. But it's nice to know it's somewhere as well that I'm paying for it to be stored.

So that's good. And I'm using Shopify as the website. I do like Shopify actually.

It's a very clean interface. There's no faffing around with it. It's a shop basically.

And although I'm not charging anything, it's very well structured. Very much like my brain. Very much like these talks, these recordings.

Because you know, I spend hours rehearsing this. I really do. It's amazing.

I've got about 35 pages in front of me of things that I wanted to talk about. Very, very structured. Can you imagine if I spent all day, you know, literally all day preparing for this hour of talking and this is the result? Can you imagine that? Oh my goodness.

It's like, oh, so you've been working hard on this all day have you? It's a full-time job, is it? Is it? And this is the results. Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Yes, it is. It really is.

That's my foot on the chair, squeaking it. I do like the sound of the wind. I don't know why, really.

I don't, I don't recall having any kind of especially happy childhood windy experiences. You know, I just like the sound. But then I'm very, I'm an auditory person rather than visual.

I'm visual when it comes to visual things. So, yeah, I'm visual in some situations. But, you know, even meeting a lady for the first time, there's the visual kind of like looking, but her voice, that registers as well.

Probably deeper than the, well, it depends. But, you know, the other day I was, I don't know where I was. I was buying, oh yeah, Sainsbury's.

And I bought some, what did I buy? What did I buy? I bought something. So I went into Sainsbury's, turned right. It's a big Sainsbury's where I live.

It's not near, it's, it's travelling distance. It's not near where I live, but it's, it's in the same kind of area, you know, of the country. I don't really, I don't need a helicopter to get there, but it's not really walking distance either.

So I walked, walked in. The security's on the left. I walk up and I turn right.

And I walk down. Oh yeah, I walk down to get drinks, because that's what I want. I want drinks.

So I'm looking for the drink department and I buy, yeah, I got a box of 15 cans of coke or something. But where did I, I'm sure I bought something else. Yeah.

Hmm. Hmm. Maybe that's, maybe that's all I bought.

Just the cans of coke, just the big, the box of cans of coke. It slipped into my bag, the carry bag of what I got, just, just about fitted in there. And no, I think that was it.

Yeah, I think that was all I got. But the lady serving me, she had a really nice voice, like really smooth and yummy. She had a yummy voice.

I don't know, just really, I don't know, anyway, it had an effect on me. It had an, I don't know, maybe calming, um, wasn't stimulating. It was more, oh, that's a nice voice.

Stimulating enough for me to think, oh, that's a nice voice, but not stimulating enough for me to say to her, oh, that's a nice voice. Which in all fairness, when I was younger, I probably would have done. I would have very likely said, oh, you've got a lovely voice.

But the thing is, when I was younger, I might have said stuff like that, but I never lied. So if I didn't, if I didn't think someone's voice was nice, I wouldn't say, you got a nice voice just to chat them up. You know, so I'm not really, or would I? I can't remember.

No, no, I wouldn't, you know. I don't know, I just don't want to date someone that sounded like Donald Duck, you know. So it's like, oh, you've got a lovely voice, but that's my Donald Duck impression.

It's, yeah, I don't know, I just, I, there was, I remember I kind of dated someone a long time ago. It doesn't, it's not, it doesn't feel like a long time ago, but it was, we kind of weren't dating, but we were. It was one of those situations.

We went out a few times, and I really liked her, but we were kind of friends. It was a very vague, very vague situation. And then afterwards, I realized that I think she liked me too, but by then I'd met someone else.

And she had a lovely voice. She really did, very, very booming, like, very deep and booming. And it was, she had Vulcan ears as well.

Had, like, Mr. Spock, big beard, and she was about nine foot tall. She was actually blue, so I'm beginning to wonder, I wonder if she was an alien. And her voice is grey, it's like, hello, Tristan, how are you? I said, I'm fine, thanks.

Do you want to go out to dinner? Yes, that sounds like a good idea. Let's go out to dinner. I feel like I'm turning into a Dalek.

Or the, we used to have these adverts when the, when I was a kid, for Smash. When mash makes smash. And there'd be these aliens going, would you like dinner? Yes, I would like dinner.

What would you like for dinner? I would like mashed potatoes for dinner. But we don't have any mashed potatoes for dinner. Well, what are we going to do for dinner then? Because I want mashed potatoes for dinner.

Well, we could have smash. Well, I don't like smash. What do you mean you don't like smash? Well, smash isn't really, what is it? Smash is mashed potato.

Really? Yes. Well, let's try that then. And then it'll hold up a little, like a little mixing thing, you know, those, like, egg whisks or whatever they're called, those things, like, you must make smash.

It was that kind of thing. But they were done like this. Yeah.

I was about to start singing then. We don't want that. We don't want that.

No. There was this thing on the internet earlier and it was, it's from America, I think, but it was on Facebook. And there was a little video and underneath it said, they sound exactly like the Beatles.

And exactly with big capital letters. And I thought, oh, I've got to hear this. So I played it.

And I think it's someone that hasn't listened to a lot of Beatles, that thinks that they sound exactly, they sounded really good. And they were singing it in the style of the Beatles. But it didn't sound exactly like the Beatles.

You know, it's, so there you go. That's what I've got to say on that one. They did sound really good.

But it wasn't the same. You know, the energy wasn't the same as like, she loves you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, that was like a very energetic song by the Beatles when they sung that. And this is a couple of lads and it was, they were singing it, but it wasn't that energetic. It was fun.

And they didn't, because remember, the Beatles sound, they sung in a Liverpool accent quite often. Now, it's very unlikely that an American or most of England would sing, would be able to sing in a, in that kind of accent, because you need to be from that place. So, they had like, because I remember, what was it? She's got a ticket to ride.

She's got a ticket to ride. If you listen to it, you can hear it. She's got a ticket to ride and she don't care.

And that's my Liverpool accent. And what was the other one? Hey Jude, don't be afraid. Take a sad song and make it better.

Remember, to let her into your heart, then you can start to make it better. See, there's always a twang, like a, what was it? Day after day, they load on a hill. The man with the accent sitting in perfectly still.

Nobody seems to like him. Until then, he's just a fool. See, Bob Dylan is my favourite.

And it's weird because I like Bob Dylan's voice, his singing voice. And that is probably a really strange thing to say, because, you know, he's more famous for the lyrics of the songs that he sung. But I just love, like his early songs, you know, 60s and 70s.

I just, Blood on Tracks is my favourite album and the best of as well. It's just like, he's the first one on Blood on the Track, is it? No, and the best one is like, the best of is like, everybody's gotta get stoned. I'm trying to think, do I know any of the words to any of Bob Dylan's songs? Like a rolling stone, do, do, do, do, do, do.

How does it feel, do, do, do, do. How does it feel, to be on your own? Like a rolling stone, with nowhere to call your home. What was the other one I liked? Go away from my window, leave at your own chosen speed.

I'm not the one you want, babe. I'm not the one you need. Someone's always strong.

Someone to each, open each and every door for you. Where, to agree with you, wherever you're right or wrong. What was it? To open each and every door.

But it's not me, babe. No, no, no, it's not me, babe. It's not me you're looking for, babe.

I used to love Bob Dylan. What other songs? I can't remember, but I like Stevie Wonder as well. Big fan.

I used to be a big fan of Stevie Wonder. I hope he's okay, because he had to have a, yeah, some medical stuff going on, but I used to really, really be a fan. I think really, probably, I just called to say I love you, was probably when I really discovered him, and Ebony and Ivory.

I'm not sure which one of those was first. And your bum's getting a bit numb. I'll stop injecting anesthetic into it.

So I wonder if you put chloroform over your bum, would it send your bum to sleep? So I like Ebony and Ivory. So I'm going to sing it, but I'm going to do it so quietly so you won't even know. What's it? Ebony and Ivory.

See, Paul McCartney, he had an accent when he sung. It wasn't just Ebony and Ivory. You know, he had an accent.

Ebony and Ivory live together in perfect harmony, side by side on my piano keyboard. Hey, Lord, why don't we? I'm going to try and then Stevie Wonder will come in. We all know people are the same wherever you go.

There's good and bad in everyone. You learn to live, you learn to give each other what we need to survive. I'm going to stretch out a bit.

Someone asked me earlier, they said, I was talking about the adverts being taken off. She said, whatever happens, please don't stop being boring. And I don't think I could because even when I'm being interested, I'm still boring.

Even when I think that I'm interesting, it's still boring. I tried to say that to someone earlier. Someone called me, a friend, an old, old, old friend.

And she said, I said, so what's going on with you? I've not spoke to her for a long time. And she said, oh, this, this, this, and blah, blah, blah. I said, oh, blah, blah, blah.

Did you really say that? She said, no, no, but I just, okay. I said, she said, well, don't worry, it's just boring. This is my life.

I said, don't worry, everyone's life is boring. She liked that. I said, other people's stories are boring sometimes.

You know, the only, only people that are really interested is themselves. But I find my stuff absolutely riveting. You know, but other people don't.

This basically, what I'm doing now is equivalent, the equivalent of sitting in someone's house, being shown slides from their holiday, you know, pictures or from, or from their wedding. It's like, okay, the holiday is like, okay, brilliant. So that's another picture of the beach.

So that's a picture of, I've said something that you ate. Okay. That's another, that's the hotel room.

You know, it's, it's not, well, I mean, maybe I'm, I just, it doesn't really do it for me. And then for a wedding, well, firstly, if it's a wedding I wasn't at, I don't want to see pictures because I wasn't invited. So you clearly didn't want me to know anything about what went on.

So I don't want to know. Secondly, if I was invited, I was there. I don't need to see pictures of something that I was at.

But in all fairness, I'm not a picture person. That might be due to the visual. Maybe, I don't know, but I just, I prefer, but I don't, that's not interesting.

I don't have any, I've got one picture and it's of my Nan, well, it's of my Nan and me. And I've got pictures I take of Andre, they're on Facebook and stuff. And I've got a picture of Andre on my phone, there's the screensaver on my phone.

But that's it. I don't have any pictures in here. It doesn't do anything for me really.

Never really been a picture person or photo person. I don't have any pictures of my life at all. Really.

There's a little, when I first moved in here, four years, nearly five years ago, five years in April. And I, my dad put together a picture frame with pictures of me, well, me and members of the family and stuff. There's a couple of pictures of me.

And he managed to find, the only pictures he had were pictures where I had a shave, which does not represent me at all, because I've mainly had a beard most of the time. Although I don't at the moment, funny enough. But that's just because I wanted to experiment and see what kind of funny moustache I could have.

I, I had, I shaved my beard off on Sunday night. And it was a week ago. It's not grown back that quickly, really.

So I shaved my beard off. And I shaved my moustache like Charlie Chaplin. And I thought, I thought it'd be funny because I had the delivery of my chair come in.

So I figured I'd be in bed. I'd get woken up by the delivery people. And I just answer the door.

And I'd have no idea why they were looking at, why they were staring at me. And I'd have, so I'd have the delivery. And only once they'd gone, would I walk into the bathroom and think, oh, I forgot about that.

They must, what would they think? Yeah. Was it Sunday? Or Monday night? I can't even, I don't know, I lose track. But anyway, the, oh no, it was, it was, it was the night where I would, I became ill.

And I, an ambulance was coming. And the NHS direct on the phone said to me, have you got anyone that can stay with you while, you know, while, until the ambulance arrives? Because they called one. I didn't really want them to.

And I said, oh, I'll knock on my door's, my friend, my door's friend. I'll knock on my friend's door downstairs. And he, he answered.

And I said, I don't know what's going to happen. I might have to go to the hospital. I don't know.

And he said he'd come down. He said, but you better shave that thing off before they get here. I just, I completely forgot.

So maybe I did do it on Sunday and I'd had it all day Monday and I hadn't gone out. It's possible. I don't know.

I can't. I don't really remember the specifics. Perhaps I should keep a diary.

But in a way, in a way, I kind of am keeping a diary by talking about things. But then how much of this is just made up. So it's kind of, oh, you know what I mean? It's, uh, I can't believe 50 minutes already.

I've been talking for 50 minutes and I haven't said anything yet. I've not even started. I've not even started the conversation.

What's going on? So it's Sunday morning. Oh, I just did a hiccup. Did a hiccup and a burp at the same time.

You know, I did a, um, scooboo. I sneezed and farted at the same time a few weeks back. I was really impressed with myself.

It's the little things, isn't it? In life. That's what I've been telling girlfriends for years. It's the little things.

You should appreciate, you should appreciate the little, the little things. I've never, excuse me, I've never got hiccups making a recording before, ever. That's because I had a drink and I think I was kind of talked a bit too quickly.

I've never, ever got a hiccups whilst making a recording. How weird. And I didn't realize that until just now.

It's kind of one of those things, I don't think about it. You know, I suppose it's like if I, if I sat on my head, I was like, I've never made a recording sitting on my head before. But I hadn't thought about it until then.

My voice is going a bit weird. I can't even say a word. Let's see what I used to do.

What I used to do is focus on an external thing. So I'm going to do this. I'm going to focus on the red light that's on the corner of the television.

I'm just going to focus on that. And I want to count down from 20 down to one, slowly. Let's see if the hiccups go.

20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Well, that seemed to work. That was pretty cool, wasn't it? In all fairness, the hiccups have gone by the first five numbers that I counted down. Possibly by the first three, but you know, let's give it a little bit of a wee way.

So from 20 down to 15, the hiccups hiccuped away. Hmm, that's some groovy stuff. Perhaps I should do that.

I'll make a recording, you know, just for hiccups. Here's how you can get rid of your hiccups. So that's the end of this recording.

I was almost ready to fall asleep then. In fact, for the last, from numbers 10 down to one, I had my eyes closed. So I'm going to go.

Remember to be kind to yourself, because you deserve to be happy. I'll speak to you very soon. Lots of love.

Bye.