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Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. And as I speak to you right now, I'm watching the BBC News Election Special and in this very moment, I do believe the Conservative Party have won the general election.
It's 5.05. So the voting has not all come in, the results have not all come in, but they have to win a certain amount and the Conservatives have got 327. I think they need 326 to actually win. So Conservatives win majority, that's the breaking news.
They've gone past it. Oh dear. So there you go.
And it's just going up at the moment, the score is Conservatives 328, Labour 196, SNP 45, Liberal Democrats 8. And I didn't actually get a chance to vote. Well, Conservatives about 329. So basically what this means is they forecast that the Conservatives are going to have a lot more coming in as well.
Which means whenever they put something forward to the government, you know, to vote on, they're going to win because they've got such a majority that they're going to pretty much get everything through that they want. Which will make it a little bit easier because it's been, I've been watching the debates and everything for the last couple of years. And recently, especially this year, vote after vote in the House of Commons and just coming up, you know, everyone voting again.
It's just, it wasn't, there was no clear winner. Sort of the government had been defeated continuously. So it didn't have any kind of leeway.
Now they've got a huge amount, 197 to 330. So that's what, that's 133 more MPs than Conservatives than Labour. That's a slight majority, isn't it? Slight.
So anyway, now the Conservatives are 332. It's, it's weird. I'm not going to spend the time talking about politics because I know that's not everybody's favourite subject.
Right now it's not mine either. It's, I was even going, I was going to talk about my, I was going to talk, I was, about my election ritual that I kind of do. I get a pizza from, well normally I'd get one locally if I can, but I get them delivered these days because I don't live near anywhere.
And I did the same today, got a pizza. This morning, well, last night. I've just been eating it all night because pizza's a nice cold as well.
At least I think so. And when the pizza person arrived, I didn't have enough money. I didn't have enough cash.
So I had to raid my piggy bank and give them lots of ten pences and five pences and stuff, which is a little bit embarrassing, but I got through it. I survived. I got through it.
And all night it's been raining, which I think is the correct weather for this particular election. It's almost like the planet's trying to wash away the dirt of the Conservative Party, but it can't. It's just, but they're in, they're in charge of everything.
Bless them. So, I do find humans weird. I know people that have been completely messed around by this government.
Really, really, you know, mistreated. Yeah, they'll still do anything but avoid voting Labour. They won't vote Labour.
So it reminds me a little bit, what's that, that condition that people have that are taken hostage and then they start to kind of be loyal to their hostage taker. There's a syndrome, isn't there, that's what we've got in this country. We've got some kind of weird syndrome about the Conservatives and the people that have just clearly don't like us and are not interested in our well-being, don't care about the poor or the ill or the sick.
Yeah, the poor, the ill and the sick are still voting for them. So it's just, it seems a bit strange. Never mind.
But I couldn't vote because I couldn't be bothered. No, I had my chair being collected today. Or yesterday, rather.
I didn't know when they were coming. They put on their text, whether they're going to be here between eight in the morning and eight at night. Yay.
So I just stayed up. I went to bed, stayed up. You know, I kind of just drifted through the day, waited for them.
Eventually, they did contact me and said, oh, we'll be there within an hour. I said, okay. In the meantime, yesterday or the day before, I had been wrapping the chair up because I was told by a lady on the phone that they won't take it unless it's wrapped, which was untrue.
And I spent £10. I couldn't get any bubble wrap the day before yesterday because I was waiting for the bus. It didn't turn up.
I couldn't get to the shops to do that. So I asked a friend if he had anything that he could help wrap it up with. I said, I'll give you the £10 I was going to spend on the bubble, on the packaging.
So I gave him £10. He said, yeah. He turned up with a little piece of tarpaulin, which wasn't big enough to cover the whole thing and didn't help me wrap it.
So that was another pointless waste of money. And then, oh, what else? So I'm waiting in and I think another friend knocks on my door and he says, I'll give you a hand to get outside the front door because they'll be here soon. So he's on that tour coming in.
Yeah, it's a good idea. So he's outside the front door. They were there within about half an hour, 40 minutes at that time.
And there's two of them. One came up. He said, what's all this stuff wrapped around it? It was carrier bags, tin foil.
Was it film? You know that film wrap thing? What is it called? Cling film, is it? And carry bags tied together like rope. Plus two bed sheets. So I'm really kind of done.
I've gone out to do my best to cover it up. And he said, what's all this crap? I was told by the lady on the phone that I had to have it covered, otherwise you wouldn't take it. And he said, no, that's not true.
You need to get this rubbish off. So basically I had to take it off. And then he said, what's wrong with it then? Well, the back of the chair is just loose.
It's broken. And he starts moving it and it's very loose. He said, it wasn't like this when I delivered it.
And he called his friend over. And he said, look at this. And I said, it wasn't like this when we delivered it.
And I said, are you calling me a liar? And he said, no, no, no, no. And I think one of them said, well, it's your money. So I don't know what he meant by that.
Is it I'm going to get charged for it anyway? I don't know. Or I did pay for the delivery. I paid for the collection as well.
So that was £19 each. So I'm £40 down there. £10 down by giving my friend money for nothing.
So that was £50. And plus two whole days lost waiting around. And yeah, kind of quite an inconvenience, really.
And as I said to him, look, I realise I might be a bit fat, but I'm not fat enough and heavy enough to break a brand new chair. You know, this is a brand new chair. I couldn't break something like that.
I'm not that, I'm not heavy. You know, I'm not, if I was like 40 stone, maybe that could have done it, but I'm not. And they said, oh, don't worry, don't worry.
And I said, the reason why it's loose now and it wasn't loose when you delivered it is because it was packaged very tightly. If it was packaged the same way now as it was when you delivered it, you wouldn't be able to move the back of the chair because it was solidly packed with cardboard and cellophane and stuff. I'm not trying to explain the obvious to someone that ain't going to hear it.
It's just... So they took it. They said, oh, it's just going to go in the bin. Really? You're going to chuck a whole chair out because the back, the two bits of wood that connect the back to the chair are broken.
Instead of replacing those bits, you chuck away a whole chair. Costing, it cost me $270. This should have been about $440 or $470 or something like that.
That seems a bit, a bit weird, isn't it? Why would you chuck away a perfectly... All the other bits are good. It's like chucking away a television because a plug, a plug plugs a socket or whatever. Plugs a socket.
What's those things in plugs that I never touch? Oh, my chair. So I'm back sitting on my squeaky chair. Well, I watched yesterday as well, but... And I've got the other chair, which is the other side of the room.
I'll probably get rid of that. Put that in back into the... Into the what's name? The shed. So by the time they got here, I'm so tired.
I just went back to bed. And I slept till about... Eight o'clock or something in the evening. And I was up till about half twelve this morning.
And then I went back to bed again and got up about four. And now it's 19 minutes past five. I've got an appointment today with a psychologist and... Oh, here's Mr... What's his name? You know what I'd love, what I'd really love more than anything? Is for Boris Johnson to lose his seat.
That would be... I would pay money for that to happen. That would be so beautiful. So they say the Conservatives won.
But then he lost his seat in whatever constituency he's in. I don't know what he represents. Imagine how wonderful that would be.
Because I don't know, but I guess that if you... If you don't win your seat... Then you lose your... You lose... Yeah, but you can't be Prime Minister if you're not a... If you're not... Minister. Yeah, that makes sense. You have to be Minister in order to be a Prime Minister.
Yeah. Boris. It's not even his real name.
Honestly, it's not. It's his middle name. His first name is... I don't know if it's Sebastian or something like that.
Jo Wilson or Jo Swinson, the Liberal Democrat leader. She lost her seat. So she was a Democrat leader for about six months.
She's got loads of publicity. Never heard of her before. And suddenly she was on the news constantly.
So... If anyone... If she knows what she's doing correctly, if she really... She takes the most advantage of this situation. Because she's popular as a person. And she's now known all over the country.
So... She could get onto Dancing on Ice or Strictly Come Dancing or... I'm in the Jungle. Get me into the jungle or whatever. I Need Money programme.
She could have... Yeah, she could make absolute fortune. She really could. So I wish her luck.
I reckon she should be a TV presenter or something. She's got a lot of... She's got a nice... Quite nice... I don't know what the word is. She comes across quite nicely.
Quite friendly and... You know? I don't know. I don't care. I do care.
I don't, but I do. I don't, but I do. But I don't.
And by the way, if anyone is listening to this... And they don't know the results of the election... There's nothing else. Yeah. It's unlikely.
I don't think anyone's going to be... You might do. You might... You might be... You know, you might be listening to this. You might be thinking... I'm going to listen to Jason's... Relaxing voice.
Because at least that's better than watching the election on television. You need to get away from anything political. And listen... And you listen to me going on about the election.
Oh dear. I won't go on about it. I will stop talking about it right now.
So you had 19 minutes with me. I didn't really talk about the... I wasn't really... I didn't really talk... I didn't really talk about it. Just... I didn't give my political opinions.
I just... I just want a political part. I just want the government... Just to be nice. You know, be nice and... Kind to the people... Who... Whose government it is.
Because I look around the world. I look on the news. And it is... It's all based upon news stories.
I don't know how true it all is. But... Some of the other countries are really... Having a difficult time with their governments. You know? Like Hong Kong.
I've lost count of the amount of places. Like Spain, isn't there? There's... The part of Spain that wants to be... Whatever. What do they call it? Not a liberal... You know, the one that kind of have their own... I don't understand it all.
But... There's so many... People in the streets. Rioting and stuff. And I think... I'm lucky to live in a country that doesn't have that.
Because... I don't know. I feel like... One of the benefits of getting old... Is you get to see stuff happen. Through time.
You get to see the... More of the long-term... Results. For something that seemed like a really good thing. You see the long-term results of it.
You know? When a country overthrows their government. And they're all in the street dancing and partying. I think that happened... Didn't that happen in Egypt? I think.
And... Syria, possibly? I don't know. That happened in a few countries. And they were dancing in the streets.
And then... Because they'd overthrown the government and everything. And then... It... It didn't turn out good. And... Yeah.
I don't want that. I don't want that for anyone. But I don't want it for my country.
That scares... That scares me. Yeah, it does. Something about mob rule.
You know? I think there's... When you get a group of people together... It's the whole... You know what I'm saying? It's... You're only as strong as your strongest link. No, you're only as strong as your weakest link. I think it's also... You're only as intelligent as your least intelligent person.
So that group... I think that's where the... Some of these extreme right-wingers go wrong. Because they... Maybe the people at the top are really intelligent. But they... Get people that... Perhaps really aren't.
So they're weak. They have that weak link, maybe. Or left-wing extremism.
Whichever way. Any kind of extremism. I don't like extremities.
Don't like it too whole... Too hot? Too... When you say too hold... Too hold or too caught. I like it just right. So yeah.
Luckily... I don't have to have conversations with people about politics. Because it's... You can't win a conversation. You can't win an argument.
Because... People get emotional about it. And emotion just... It seems to... Emotion always wins over logic. Unfortunately.
Although... Not necessarily a bad thing. Because... Hypnosis is about emotion. People are also using logic.
When that emotion is there. You know? When someone... Say someone wants to stop smoking. Logically.
And they should. Logically. You know? Blah blah.
You know? All the same old clichés. Then that emotion comes in. And they're like, oh wait a minute.
There might come a time when... My little boy is... I'm seeing my little boy for the last time. My little girl gets to watch me being ill. What's going to happen to them? Oh! You know? And the emotion kicks in.
And the person stops smoking. Immediately. Because... The emotion is so strong.
That even though the logic was there. The logic wasn't enough. But once the emotion kicks in.
And it kind of mingles with the logic. Basically they're on the same side. Once the two armies are on the same side.
They're no longer fighting. And they become stronger. Stronger together than apart.
My name used to say. She had a rhyme for that. Remember Jason? Stronger together than apart.
Please. Don't fart. I was trying to think how I was going to get the word fart in there.
As soon as I heard myself say the word apart. I thought I've got to use the word fart. But it didn't quite work.
I didn't... Yeah. I was hoping it would be really clever. Cleverly done.
And fit together. Like a really... Almost like a... Perfect. Toasted sandwich.
With all the different... Various innards. You can't call them toppings can you? So they're kind of innards. Andre.
Andre. Where are you going mate? Andre's doing something. He's... He's trying to get my attention.
Andre. Hey. Come here.
What are you doing? Are you alright? I picked him up earlier. I thought he wanted something. And... I sat down on my chair and I just had him... I was stroking his head.
Like I am now actually. I didn't realise he fell asleep. I stopped stroking his head and he fell asleep.
And he was just laying there. And then I started... I think I had a drink. So I moved my hand.
And I started stroking his head again and it woke him up. And the thing about him is he rarely climbs on me to go to sleep. He climbs on me to fight or just to kind of say hello.
Give me a kiss or... Whatever you know, a little sniff. But he really... He really... Doesn't climb on me to go to sleep. That's something that kind of happens... Without him meaning it to.
Because... There are times during the... The day or night or whatever that... He's never more than maybe five seconds away from being asleep. So if I pick him up at the right time... He's completely gone. He's just... So I had a neighbour knock on my door.
Yesterday. So I picked Andre up. I had him in my arms and this neighbour's talking.
And Andre did something that he's never... I've never seen him do before. He didn't just fall asleep. But he had his tongue sticking out.
Which is a sign that he's really happy and content. So really... And it wasn't hot because it's cold outside. You know in the hallways.
It wasn't that he was all hot and he was trying to get himself cooled down. Because when he does that he pants. But he was just like with his little tongue out.
And he was just enjoying himself. Just being there. Just... It's almost like he forgot that he was in my arms.
Because he doesn't normally like to do that. He likes to... He prefers it when... He can get onto my bed when I'm not there. Hello.
Give your daddy kisses. You realise Andre there's people listening here. Right now.
That think that you're beautiful. And they like you more than they like me. They do.
They're your fans. They're your fans. They're your... Okay.
Go away then. No, get away from the phone. What are you doing? Now he's gone.
See he's not very happy with me at the moment. Because... I've given him food that he doesn't like. He's eating it.
Partly. He hasn't eaten all of it. But he doesn't like it.
But... I couldn't get out today to get him any of his normal stuff. But I will tomorrow. And... With his normal food, when I feed it to him... He just... He gobbles it up.
He loves it. Absolutely loves it. And it comes in... I think four different flavours.
So he doesn't have the same one every day. That was a boring sentence, wasn't it? Can you imagine? Being at a party. Or at a wedding.
And you end up with me talking to you. About my ferret. And the food.
And how the food ran out. I gave him some... Cheap food that I'd had in, you know... As a backup. But I wasn't able to go and get any new food.
That he likes to eat. Because... I was having my chair collected. Because the chair was broken.
And when the people that collected the chair... Delivered... Came to collect it... They said... Oh, it wasn't broken when we delivered it. Almost kind of blaming me. When I didn't do anything.
And then... Intimately... Talking about the... Election results. You'd have to get out of that party, wouldn't you? You'd have to... I think you'd have to leave. You'd have to leave the wedding reception.
Even if you were the groom. You know, even if you'd just got married. You'd have to... I've got to get out of here.
Even worse. Imagine if it was before the wedding started. You'd be running away saying... Sorry, I love you but... I do want to marry you but... I can't stay in this building with him.
With that Jason. He's so boring. Keeps talking about... Cat food that he gives to his ferret that's... That's just... I can't take it anymore.
So, yeah. That's... I think I've been very lucky. I didn't realise... At the time.
But I've been... I haven't been to lots of parties. But unfortunately... I've spent time with a lot of drunk people. When I worked in clubs and stuff.
And drunk people are... Can be amongst the most boring people you ever meet. And sometimes they're the most fun but... They can be... Incredibly boring. It's... They're fun when you're drunk.
If you're gonna... You're gonna spe... I always find if I'm gonna spend time with drunk people. I need to be drunk with them. Otherwise... It's just... It doesn't work.
It's such a different level of... Yeah. Just... Nah. So... When I was a DJ I used to have... Sometimes have... Men come up to me and just talk.
And... I didn't wanna talk to men. I wanted to talk to women. I didn't wanna talk to the men.
They wanted a song played called... They wouldn't know where the toilets were. Great. But I didn't wanna have a conversation with them.
About life. And... About their job. And... What they thought of their boss.
I didn't... I didn't really care. And I still don't, funny enough. But... There's, you know, there's... I'd be thinking... Because it made it interesting because... I always find... And it's... It's just my experience.
I always found that... Women just were more fun. At the disco. But I think it's... Maybe it's just because it's more fun for the women.
Because, you know, I'm one of those men... At a disco that'll be standing at the back holding a pint of lager. Watching people dance and... Not interacting at all. And there was a lot of that.
At discos. When... This was at a nightclub. But... It was a disco.
I was the DJ. And... I was 40. If I ever... If I ever opened a nightclub, it would be for women only.
It would be a women's only nightclub. With... With lots of... Maybe male... Servers. Just, you know... It'd be like a hen night.
In fact, I'd call it the hen night. And it'd be there. Or I think... I don't know if it's called in other countries.
The bridal party or whatever. So it'd just be a lot of fun for the women. To have.
And... Because I thought originally... I thought... I'd get a strip club. You know, and have lots... But then if you buy it... If you're at this when I was younger... There's no point doing that. Because the place is just full of men.
So... And... I just think it'd be more fun. To have a... A big club full of women just enjoying themselves. So yeah.
I think I was born... I think I've got... I think I was kind of born a woman. In a way. Always... Always managed to... I've always got on better with women than with men.
Always. So I'm not like one of those like... Macho men. You know, what needed to be tough.
And needed... And... I've got no interest in... The things that... Men seem to be interested in. And that's a... It's a generalisation that... It's also kind of true also. You know, when I was a kid... No interest in football.
I was interested in girls. But they weren't interested in me. So... I kind of couldn't even interact in that particular activity.
I had girls as friends. But it wasn't really until I left school. And... Because I was mainly around men.
Most of my... Adult life. In my twenties. Mainly.
It's only when I was... Doing security at a nurse's home. Like a... Nurses training to be nurses. Then suddenly all these women were there.
And they were giving me attention. And I realised that I got on really well with women. Didn't kind of know it until the end.
When I was 26. No, 25 when I was at Butlin's. I also got on quite well.
I realised I was... Oh, this is weird. Almost like I could be... Like a girlfriend. Kind of... Relationship.
Or I just immediately went into the friend zone. And then when I was in my thirties. I did a college course in massage.
And it was all women. And I was basically a woman. As far as they were concerned.
They just treated me as one of their own. I know... I'm talking like they're a different species. But... Men and women are a different species, basically.
They were humans, but very different. It's so obvious. It's just ridiculous.
Not just physically, but... We're different. Though some people aren't. I love that.
None of this makes sense. Officer Labour... Anyway. I actually went to a hen night.
I was invited to a hen night. Which is what we're not supposed to... Men are not supposed to go to. But... The... The person that was hosting the hen night.
For this... One of the ladies on the course. This was a few years after the course finished. She... She said, can you turn up? And... Wear your suit and be on the door.
Like the... It's the door of the house, basically. And let people in. So I did that.
And then... Then they said... I didn't realise I was going to be invited in. I was just doing that. Then I said, I'll go home.
I'll happily do that for a couple of hours. Then I'll head off. They said, no, come in.
You're the stripper. And I said, okay. Hoping that they were joking.
And they were. Well, they weren't. I stripped off.
And then... Then they were. Then I decided, no. Which... I don't know how to feel about that.
But... They changed their minds. They said... It's nice that you brought your suit with you. But you could have brought your willy.
That's a bit rude. So... All right. 1929.
So, yeah. I... I... I was quite interested. I was at university.
With... Mainly all women. Again. It was 80% women.
On the course. So I made all these new female friends. And lost contact with everybody now, pretty much.
Yeah. I don't... I've... That's one of the things that... Is missing from not working. Is having... The... I suppose the contact with people.
Including those that I don't typically want to have contact with. But... There's a degree of... Yeah. Because in my last job.
When I was... In a call centre. Back in 2014. Or whatever it was.
The... I started to... Well, I had some new friends that I made. And I've gotten really well with them. And I've spent, you know, eight hours a day with them.
And had a laugh and everything. And then there was... One lady that I was starting to... Kind of get to know a little bit. How I wasn't far from maybe... Asking her out.
Or, you know, seeing if she wanted to do something. And then... It... Nothing happened, but... I got on quite well with... A fair few of the women. And the men that worked there.
But there was one girl. A woman that... Did not like me. And I really liked her.
I kind of... And the more she didn't like me, the more I liked her. I wanted her to like me. Which is weird because... I don't know why.
I mean, she used to be like... What am I to me? Like, yeah. And there was no conversation. I knew that she could converse because she was a salesperson.
So she was very good at it. So she spent all day... Talking to people. So I knew she could.
But she literally chose not to. She chose not to interact with me. And... I didn't know why.
I didn't know why. Well, the same thing happened with this... This lady that worked in a... In a... What was it? A sandwich place that I used to frequent. When I first moved here.
For quite a few years. And... I just fell in love with her. And she had zero interest in me.
To the point where sometimes I'd say hello to her. And she'd ignore me. She'd actually ignore me.
And what she'd do sometimes... She'd see me come in. And she'd get someone else to serve me. Like, what have I done? You know, I hadn't done anything.
I think I had like two conversations with her the whole time. Over sort of eight years or seven years. I just wanted to love her.
But it didn't quite work out that way. I seem to like that in the past. I don't anymore.
I don't want to do that anymore. But in the past I've... I've fallen in love with people... That... Just don't know it. Have no idea that I like them.
And... Quite often I'm not myself with them because I don't get to know them. Which... Is... Doesn't really work, does it? You've got to be... You've got to be yourself. There's no point pretending to be something you're not.
It's just like, oh man. I just... When I first started working at Churchill's there was this... Young lady... Natalie, her name was. And I just fell in love with her.
Like, oh... I fell in love with the back of her neck. Didn't like the rest of her, just the back of her neck. So we went out dating and I just had to get her to walk backwards and stuff.
But no, I'm joking. Drew a little face on her neck. No, um... She was lovely.
I really... I don't know what it was about her, but I just... I just melted every time I saw her. And... And she almost didn't know that I existed and I wasn't able to... Really talk to her. And then, um... I'm not sure how many people she dated in that office while I was working there.
At least two. Maybe three. So yeah... Didn't, um... Didn't really go anywhere.
Which is weird, but... I had this... Because I'd been a DJ three years to that. And so I'd had a lot of... I was quite confident... In myself. With... The opposite sex.
I felt just confident. Through experience and just... Yeah, I felt confident. And... That confidence just dwindled.
It's like, where's it... My mojo. I lost my mojo. And... I got it back a little bit.
In about 2000... Between 2005 and 2007. And then I lost it again. And... I've had a little bit of resurges.
One recently and one a couple of years back. But it was nice having my mojo constantly. You know... All year round.
Every year for... Really, I suppose, between... 2005... No, 1995... And 2001. That was kind of when I was... My mojo was fairly active. Not all the time, but... Pretty good.
So, 95 to 2001. So, I kind of had six years of... You know, degree of confidence. I say confidence, not competence.
Confidence. Confidence. Confide.
The word confide... Is in confidence. Someone who's your confidant. Yeah.
Weird words. Weirdy, weirdy, weirdy, weirdy. Wow.
I can't believe the election results. It's just... It's... Yeah, okay, I won't mention it anyway. It's still happening.
Still happening there. Yeah. So, hopefully... I'm going to go to sleep for a few hours.
And then I'm going to get up and do what I need to do. I need to get Andre some food. But hopefully... I'm going to try and... I might just not watch any television for a while.
I might not watch the news for maybe a year. Just put it... So, Conservatives have got 357 seats. Labour have got 202.
SNP have got 48. Liberal Democrats have got 10. And DUP have got... I can't see because my mute button on my TV is blocking it.
So now Conservatives have got 337. No. No, that's in England, sorry.
It's in England. So 350... What have they got? 350 odd. Poor, poor Sherman.
I do wonder if it's the weather. Because... the poorest part of the population... perhaps can't afford to drive. Can't afford to run a car.
Which means... getting to the polling station to vote would have meant getting absolutely soaked wet. So maybe, you know... if this had been during the summer or the spring it might have been a different result. But I don't think it would have been that different.
And maybe we'd get the political party we deserve. Oh dear. I need a holiday.
It's so nice to just go on holiday, you know. Go away. But somewhere where I can take Andre with me.
I think the ideal solution and I imagine a lot of people would possibly love this idea is to be able to go away on holiday but take her home with us. You know, the home, your garden, everything. All with you.
To perhaps another part of the country. Somewhere nice and sunny. Maybe somewhere near a beach.
If you don't live near a beach maybe to another country. You know, wherever you... wherever you like. We've all got our own preferences, don't we? But to have your... just have your home.
And wherever you go you know, you'd have a fridge and freezer full of food ready, you know. Of all the stuff that you like to eat. And you'd have a tap that's still connected to your own town so that the water is safe to drink.
Or safe for you to drink. Because it's all about being used to the water, isn't it? You know, people say, if you go to Spain or Italy or whatever country don't drink the water. But don't say that to the people who live there.
Because they're used to the water, I guess. It's just, you know we'd be used to it if we lived there. I've never drunk water in another country.
I don't think I have. When I went to Spain I had bottled water and coke. I'd love to go to Spain.
I'd love just to do that again, just to go for the afternoon. It was a nice little... it was a nice two-day journey. Because I went early in the morning.
I went... no, I went... I left early in the morning to get to the airport in the afternoon. And the flight wasn't until the following morning. I don't know if it was delayed or something, I can't remember.
And then, so I'm in the airport all afternoon and all night. I loved it. I absolutely loved it.
Plenty of food to eat, drink toilets shops to buy stuff. I read about three Woody Allen books while I was there. Great, great day out.
And night. It was warm enough. Yeah, everything.
A little bit uncomfortable when it came to sleeping. But, you know, I wasn't that bothered. I was very young at the time, so I didn't care.
Now I need a double bed in a house with a ferret. You know, I'm very... there's certain needs now that I have. And... You know, the best thing about Boris Johnson winning his seat is he's standing there and all the other candidates that are up for election, you know, that have gone against him in his constituency are all dressed in ridiculous outfits.
Like, dressed up as a monk... One's dressed up as a monkey, I think. One's dressed up as... looks like Darth Vader. It's a lot... Lots of really silly, comical people have gone against him.
I haven't seen any of the other constituents apart from with his... Actually, you know, Jeremy Corbyn, he's got someone with a big hat on. What on earth? I don't want that. It's a huge hat.
So I like that. These people are really important. That picture's going to have... What are you going to focus on? Are you going to focus on the politician? Or the person with a chicken in their head? Anyway... I forget what I was saying.
So I'll get on and do what I need to do today. And... Oh, go on holiday. Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, it'd be nice. Nice to do that. Because actually, I was there all night at the airport and then the... the plane turned up.
We left at about, I don't know, 8 in the morning? Maybe 9? Maybe 10, I don't know. Mate, yeah, probably fairly early. Maybe about 8-ish.
It's hard to know. This was back in 1988. Or was it 89? One of them.
I was 18 anyway. And... went over there. And I remember getting into the airport in Malaga.
I don't remember. I can't vaguely have a memory of it. And I'm thinking, well, I'm hungry.
I just had this... this flashback memory. Don't drink the water. Don't eat the food.
Like... What am I supposed to do? Can I use the toilet roll? Am I able to do a wee-wee? Can I breathe in the air? I mean, there's millions of people here that are eating the food and drinking the water. They seem to be okay. In fact, you could say they're looking a lot more healthier than the pale English people that I've just left.
Anyway. I bought a can of Coke at a Mars bar. And I thought, well, that's pretty much fairly safe.
And I think I had a bottle of water or something like that. And... I... Yeah... I got... When I got the ticket, the plane ticket, and... I wanted to get it online, but the internet didn't exist then, so I had to go into the... the... I think it was Thomas Cook, actually. They're not around anymore.
But the... I bought the ticket, and they said you need to have... Because it was a... Was it a return? Yeah, I think it was a return. I think they'd only allow me to have a return. Which was like two weeks from that date.
So I don't know. I think so. Or it might have been an open return.
And they said that you need to stay at this hotel. You need to have... They wouldn't sell it to me unless I had somewhere to stay. I said, oh, okay.
And... I got a taxi from outside. It was beautiful weather. It's... beautiful.
Probably the nicest. I don't know why I've not gone back. I should be living there or something.
But it was something beautiful, because... I mean, it wasn't cold where I was living. Because it was probably... April, May, possibly? About May time? Yeah, something like that. Maybe it was March, but... It was definitely, you know, fairly nice weather.
But it's... When I got outside the airport... Ah, this... It was a heat, but it was a nice heat, you know? Oh, this is nice. Very relaxing. And... Then I, you know, sort of... I got people shouting stuff at me, which... I heard the word taxi... within the words that were being... directed at me.
So... I got in a taxi. I showed them the address I was going to. Thinking it had been there.
And the taxi driver took me... out into the mountains. On a journey that lasted a good hour. And I kept saying, Where are you going? And I couldn't understand.
Well, I don't think we could understand each other. Funny enough, he could really speak good English when it came to the money. That's weird.
I don't understand that. When it came to actually the money he wanted. Perfect English.
And... But, you know... As far as directions go, or anything like that... There was definitely a language barrier, but... With finances... You know, he could have been a... Definitely could be an accountant in England without any problems. Like... And... Basically, I said stop. Stop the car.
How much is it? So far. Because I didn't have much money with me. And he said... I said stop the car.
He said, Stop the car. I said, Stop. Stop.
How much is the thing so far? He said, Well, it's about... It's about £25. I said, What? It's about £25. £25? Why are you talking like that? I said, It's about £25.
What? £25? It's perfect English for the money, but the rest... And... I love it. This is... Boris Johnson walking, and it's... It's all these characters. A big red... Like a character from... Sesame Street walking behind him.
I'd vote for him. Anyway. So I realised I'd spent way too much money... On a journey that I hadn't even got to where I was going.
So I said, Turn back, go back to the airport. So he basically ripped me off. And... I didn't know what I was going to do then because I didn't have any... I didn't have enough money to really do anything.
So I went to the airport and I just said, Look, here's a way of getting a... A return ticket. Can I, like, change my return ticket to earlier? And she says... I don't know what... Um... I don't know... I said, well... I said, how much would it be? Because she looked like she was saying yes. £12.50 it would cost.
So I said, um... Okay, what time is it? I said, I can't speak Spanish. It would be much better if I could speak Spanish. It would be... Make more sense.
But anyway, she... You know, it's very much like she understood the cost. That's what I was doing with that. And, um... So I got a return ticket... Forwarded to that day.
So... I... I think my flight back was about... 6 o'clock in the afternoon. Something like that. Maybe 5. 5 or 6. And... Yeah, I... I could have left early in the morning.
Because I didn't get there till the afternoon. So it might have been, like, 11 o'clock in the morning I got there. So I got there about 1 o'clock... In the afternoon.
And I left about 5 or 6. So I basically... You know, I came back to England. And... Then I had to get back from... Stansted or wherever it was in London. Back to... The town that I lived in.
Couldn't get back all the way there. Because the bus... The train had stopped. I had to get a taxi.
And I had to phone ahead... To my... Previous landlady. Because I'd actually moved out. To ask her if I could move back in.
Just for a couple of days. Until I find somewhere else to live. Oh, what a... What a fuffle.
And you know what the weird thing about it is? I'd left my job. No notice. I just decided to go.
I had enough of everything. I just decided to... Move to France. Move to Spain.
Get a job in Spain. And... That was it. I'd done some bar work... The year before.
You know... That Christmas earlier. In... 88. So I knew I could do a little bit.
I wasn't very good at it. But I could do something. You know... Clean or whatever.
And... That's what I was going to do. But I went with no money. However... The day after I got back... I had a month's wages that went into my bank.
From my... Job. That I'd just quit. So... I had a month's wages which was probably about £550.
It's not... Not a huge amount of money. But... Maybe it was £600. But it was... It was enough to have got me through... Quite... You know... A few weeks... Living in Spain.
You know... Living cheaply. Until I found somewhere to live or to work or something. So if I'd have waited... And got my ticket... On that day... And took the £500 with me... Or £600... My whole life might have been different.
I might have gone and found some work. Doing something. I might have met someone nice.
Or someone horrible. You know... It might have been a really... Different life. I might be able to speak Spanish now.
But perfect English when it comes to the... You know... Money side of things. So I might... Man... God... Isn't it strange? We don't know do we? Just how... How different things may have been. And it doesn't matter.
Because it doesn't make it... The slightest bit of difference. But... At the same time... It's... It's kind of interesting. So that was my afternoon in Spain.
Yeah... It was a very expensive little... Trip. I got to see a few of the sights. You know... In a taxi.
But... You know... I should have... I think maybe in reflection... I should have just said... Take me to the beach. Or I should have just... Just walked. Just... You know... I was in Malaga.
So I think there's a beach in Malaga. I think. So I just walked to the beach.
And... Figured it out. But I didn't know how to... I didn't know how to figure it out. I didn't know what there was to figure out.
I mean... I might have been able to have drawn the money out. In Spain. That was in my bank.
I don't know. I don't know if I was able to do it back then. Dear oh dear.
So yeah. I can't imagine there's many people that... Left... England. To go and live in Spain.
And come back the same day. I mean... That's what I was doing. I was going there to live there.
I wasn't going... I wasn't going for a holiday. I was going to get a job and... Have the time of my life. I just wanted to be young.
I never got to experience being young. Like being a young adult. Going out night clubbing and... Having... Just a wild... A wild time.
Having lots of fun and stuff. Never got to do that. And... So I kind of wanted to.
I thought that might be an opportunity. But... It didn't quite work that way. So what I'm going to do... In my 50's.
I'm going to be... A handful. I am going to be... Running around wild. I'm going to... Take driving lessons.
I'm going to get a sports car. And... Rev my engine. And... I don't know what.
Wear a hat. I'm thinking of growing my hair long. I've now got my hair wild.
It's sticking up. It's everywhere. It's not... My hair's not everywhere.
It's not in the fridge. But what I'm saying is... It's like really... You know... Not Willy Wonka. Back to the future.
Back to the future. The professor. My hair's a bit like that.
Except it's not grey. And... It's not as long. But it will be.
I think I'm just going to let myself go completely. Or just let myself go. Physically.
So my hair's really long and curly. So I want to see what it looks like. I'm going to let my beard go really long and curly.
And... Yeah. That's what I want to do. I think that's what I'm going to do.
Yeah. Mind you, this newsreader who's doing the... The election night thing. He's got the perfect hair.
Hugh Edwards, I think his name is. Hugh Edwards. Check out Hugh Edwards.
Edwards. H-U-W, I think. Edwards.
E-D-W-A-R-D-S. Perfect hair. There is no better hair.
It's perfect. It is like... If I could have hair like that, I would. I can't.
My hair doesn't go like that. It's perfect hair. Absolutely.
He's got some of the best hair cuts. I've seen. It might be stuck on.
It might not. It might be a wig. That would explain why he never does outside broadcasts.
And people don't like working with him in the sun because he refuses to have a fan blowing. Anyway, I'm going to go. Thank you for listening.
Remember to be kind to yourself. Because you deserve to be happy. Take care of yourselves and I'll speak to you tomorrow.
Lots of love.
Paragraph spacing and recurring name or title errors have been tidied. Because this began as a voice transcription, an occasional word or piece of punctuation may still be incorrect.