#299 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (12th January 2020)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com which is my website and my name is Jason Newland which is my name and I don't know um this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep which is the name of the podcast and I'm finding myself very hilarious at the moment for no reason even when I'm not saying anything funny I'm laughing at what I'm saying so please excuse my silliness and please only listen when you can safely turn off your brain and also only listen when you can safely close your eyes so um if you're in a high speed car chase trying to

get away from the cops you know just robbed a bank or something then please don't you know switch this off uh actually no listen so you crash into a tree um so yeah not really so hello everybody this is Saturday the yeah there then Saturday the I think it's the 12th does my thing have a calendar a clock yeah it's a clock click on a clock Sunday sorry Sunday the 12th of January seven minutes past 2am that's what it is well that's what it is and oh my tongue is rumbling I had a Chinese takeaway

today the first time not ever but I actually know I had one um a few months ago but it was I didn't phone it in you know I didn't order it over the phone I just went up there and got it I got home and you know the food was a little bit cold but that was an an omelette and chips and the chips no not good chips weren't good the omelette was nice but the chips nah no nil poir for the chips uh what I did I ordered uh some Chinese takeaway for me and

my friend and we it was all right you know that's the whole story it really is wow that was boring to tell your story about your your day your your the Chinese takeaway you had well I ordered Chinese takeaway it was delivered and I ate it then I went to the toilet about half an hour later yeah that's the story perhaps next time leave out the toilet part okay fair enough oh I had no idea what I was talking about just then because I had a knock at the door but it's okay um who knows

I was talking about something don't know what it was couldn't have been important and I'm only four minutes into the recording so I don't think uh a stupid chair is this creaky chair as annoying for you as it is for me it's really it's seriously it's it's got it's getting worse but I can't sit like a statue I tell you what I'm gonna do you can follow me and I'm actually I'm gonna press pause I want to move to a different chair so you haven't got to listen to me moving but I will press pause

and I'll come straight back right I'm now back I'm back I'm back so I've moved to a different chair and I'm starting to wonder why didn't I sit in this other chair to start with it's because I like sitting in the other chair that's probably why so I've um my friend gave me this chair to put into my recording studio or my garden shed if you want to call it that that lives in my bedroom that still needs to be soundproofed before I can really use it because a wooden shed isn't it's actually I don't

know if you can hear this a little bit more echoey over here because over the other side of the room in the living room I've got soundproof foam all across that one wall and over another wall the other side of the room this side of the room I've got soundproof foam across half of the wall but it's at the top of the wall so my head my whole of my body well I'm sitting in the chair and my head goes up to nearly half of the wall sitting down because I'm really tall I'm seven foot

three and the soundproof foam is at the top but if it was at the bottom which it will be because I'm going to have soundproof foam in the whole place eventually it should be a bit quieter a bit less echoey but in the shed it's a bit echoey I'll be honest and it's a bit grotty sitting sitting in a dark shed because I have to have the door closed and including the bedroom door the living room door to keep Andre in here while I'm in the bedroom but he then scratches at the door to get

out doesn't care if the door's open but once it's closed he has to get out to get through it and once it's open he doesn't want to get through anymore that's just his little thing and so I want to I'm going to soundproof the shed before I start using it because I did a couple of recordings in it and a couple of things I need I need it soundproofed it's not going to be perfect it's not a professional it's a shed so it's not a professional recording studio and there's not enough room in there to

have equipment it's basically just the space you know in a recording studio that you see on tv film and films and stuff where the singer is behind the grass and the recording studio equipment's the other side and they're twiddling each other's knobs and stuff you know to sort of change the the volume and stuff like that and they say play it again Sam and they do all that stuff and that's what the shed is is kind of the other part of it now if I wanted to and it would take me a long time to

do this I suppose I could start trying to put together professional equipment you know over the next few years try to um sort of build a recording studio perhaps this side of the wall like in Livermore and then have the wires going through the wall into the shed which is the other side of the wall but I just yeah I don't know I think the quality of the sound now is fairly good for what it is see if I started singing a song with say One Night With You from Elvis Presley possibly the greatest song

he ever sung vocally it's great vocals on that I would actually argue for at least 20 seconds that that is his greatest vocal performance because of the rawness of it the real energy that he puts into it some people might say yeah what about the It's Now Or Never or The Wonder Of You or some of the other like later songs where he's uh he's very operatic in the way he sings showing off his range he has amazing range you may be noticing right now that I love Elvis Presley I love Elvis Presley I think

he's phenomenal and you know what I wouldn't care if he'd been popular or not I wouldn't care if uh it wouldn't bother me I don't like him because of how popular he was although I wouldn't have probably known about him if I hadn't been for how popular he'd been and he died when I was six or just before I was seven years old in 1977 I didn't know who he was then but my oldest brother was a fan because my oldest brother was four years older than me so he'd he'd be what seven eight nine

ten eleven years old when when the king passed on so I suppose I wanted to be like my brother definitely wanted to be as tall as him because he's very tall if you saw me and him I look like a squashed version I look like I do I look like a slightly younger version of him but someone's pushed on my head really hard so that my body's kind of squashed and what a lovely picture so yeah he's I'm 5'8 and he's I don't know what he's about 6' 6'4 or something like that 6'3 6'4 it's

a hell of a lot taller than me but I don't care I think I'm up to about his his neck or his chin or his neck or his shoulders something like that he's head and shoulders above me so what was my point on that one there was a point I don't know what it was what was it Elvis love Elvis but if I was to start singing the quality of the audio wouldn't be great so the microphone for making these podcasts and the recording equipment I'm making these podcasts on is perfect for speech for talking

but I'm not sure how good it would be if there was a group of people talking together because I've got a microphone on my lapel well it's a lapel microphone which is sort of attached to my top and of course whenever I yawn I put the microphone actually down my throat so that it's it really uh annoys everyone I'm incredibly petty I can't let things go it's ridiculous seriously there's stuff that happened when I was 10 that I'm still annoyed about not even big things like little things that's something that someone said to me when

I was at school when I was 10 I still hold a grudge it's ridiculous very very oh so petty it's ridiculous sometimes not always but I'm aware of it I know being aware of something isn't always enough you know someone says I'm aware that I'm an arsehole and I'm rude to everyone it's not really enough just to be aware of it maybe you know it's an opportunity to be a bit kinder perhaps perhaps but I don't do that generally but yeah I do I think it's one of those things I never forgive anyone ever for

anything but I do I forget apart from when I remember it you know I'm not I don't there's always something new to focus on and that's one of the good things about life there's always something new you know it's it's always new things happening we for whether it's the news whether it's the weather it's a different day we in England the United Kingdom of England States of America whatever it's this country is and we every day is I mean not even every day we have like five different weather systems per hour sometimes it's it's constantly

changing the weather changes more than my own mind and that's something constantly changing my mind and I quite like that I'm not my mind changing but I quite like there's a benefit of having a mind that changes regularly there's a lot of you know unbenefits of it as in stability and making decisions and sticking to those decisions and you know planning things and not letting people down at the last minute you know those kind of things but or let them think yeah but one of the good things of being indecisive is at times is because

none of us are anything all the time are we so I thought we'd give myself that label I'm an indecisive person are you sure yep I've decided definitely indecisive you know it's like oh maybe you're not then but sometimes I am and it's fine yeah I've forgotten what oh yeah the benefit is I don't get too stuck in beliefs as much as perhaps I would otherwise possibly a little bit I can see sometimes not always but I can see kind of two sides to the argument sometimes more I can see a hundred sides to an

argument sometimes because different people can have different opinions and stuff and I find it quite interesting I do I listen to LBC radio it's on the global player online if you ever want to check it out and it's a talk radio show in England and it's available worldwide anyone can listen to it online or you can listen to on the radio FM or whatever I don't know or it's on free view as well if you're in the UK seven seven it's channel 732 if you're in the UK and it's free view number 732 732 that's

the channel and you might think wow especially if you're in other countries I think I thought England only had five channels you've got 732 channels and they're all free no we don't have 732 channels I've got no idea why why LBC radio is on 732 because we do not have that many uh I've not counted them there's there's a few but uh bit by bit they seem to be decreasing like five star was uh it's now gone closed I used to watch that the five star not the the group ring ring shine shine dee dee

dee dee dee dee ring ring ring shine shine that was the uh five star they were the English equivalent to the Jacksons um in a sense of it was a family of singers uh all singing like brothers and sisters singing together like the Jacksons was uh so although to be fair the Jacksons was just boys wasn't it I don't think Janet or Latoya ever sung with the Jacksons did they I don't think they did I don't think they were even born well they are born but I don't think yeah I mean think if Michael Jackson

was what was he about eight years old when he first started singing or 10 or something that wasn't even when he first started singing in the Jacksons in the early 70s so Latoya and Janet they were both younger than him which means they would have been very young wow that was that was boring that really was boring what a pointless what a pointless conversation oh that was boring yeah anyway I five star the TV channel was gone and I used to have documentaries and old stuff from channel five but I used to play quite good

stuff sometimes and yeah it's gone so uh what's another one I used to watch BBC three I used to watch BBC three every single night and it was one of my favorite preview channels a family guy used to be on it every night and other shows that I used to like watching and then I took that off and put it on the internet so I don't watch that anymore ITV2 took over some of the stuff like the family guy they play on ITV2 now every night but it's always changing always changing so today I went

to uh just a little update just in case anyone's sort of interested I had a Rachel sort of sent me a message thank you and just regarding yesterday's podcast or yesterday's episode or whatever of the uh let be boy to sleep I mentioned about a neighbor being unwell she's stable in hospital she's stable so that's all I can really say about that but I spoke to her sister yesterday and she's stable so that's that's a good sign um but I'm not going to go any more into it I mentioned it yesterday and and what it

did get me thinking about though was the the human body because I'm not sure if you might have noticed but I am incredibly uneducated I really am I know very little about anything and that's why I'm so good at making stuff up because I don't know what the real stuff is so I just have to kind of just wing it wing-wang it really and I try and I mean Molly and a few other people have sent me books in the past as well to try and help with my education especially on geography and like in

Australia and Canada and stuff like that because I clearly don't know what I'm talking about half the time but I do admit it I mean that's part of the fun of this is that I'm just saying a bunch of rubbish sometimes mixed mixed in little nuggets of uh I was gonna say gold but it's more like poo isn't it just little little flakes of can't say wisdom I've got this I've got this real thing that no wise person would ever call themselves wise no genius would ever call themselves a genius but in my experience and

every every genius I've read about called themselves a genius so in that case every genius or most geniuses are arrogant so and a wise person calling themselves wise again that's arrogance isn't it it's almost like I'm better than you I'm wiser than you I'm more intelligent than you all of those sentences I've never been able to say in my life and I probably never will be able to and I'm okay with that I know some stuff but it's just not stuff that anyone else is interested in so well other some people are but you know

it's I'm okay with that and you know what what's weird you might not know this there's only okay I say I normally say there's nobody but there is a couple of people in my life that are interested in what I do but the majority of people that I've ever met in the last 14 years I've been doing this and this is now the 15th year I've got no interest in what I'm doing and I don't understand it and you know what what's weird in some ways if somebody tells me that they do something that's like

a standard thing you know so I build I don't know whatever it is I do something that's that a lot of other people do that that I would find I wouldn't find as interesting as if someone said to me well actually what I do is I build I don't know what well someone says I'm a taxidermist I mean I kind of would be a bit grossed out by it because I've seen the process but they're not they're dealing with an animal that's already been already dead and they're not causing harm to anyone they're doing what

you know they're it's fine you know whatever but that would I would find that fascinating because I've never met anybody that's a taxidermist I've never met anyone or never known anybody that is a traffic warden so someone told me if I met someone and said I'm a traffic warden I would actually and this might sound weird I'd kind of want to talk to them because I know that they're going to have some amazingly interesting stories to tell they're going to have experienced things that most people never get to experience I mean of course not all

of it is going to be funny or nice but it'd be interesting something different and it's not that I want people I expect people to be interested in me it's not about that it's like I just kind of want them to be interested in what I'm doing not in me as a person but just like wow so you're making you do hypnosis recordings and because I used to most of my time was doing videos for a long for many years and now it's you know more audio it started off audio then it became video and

I used to take the audio from the video but I still made audios at the same time over the years as well separate and now it's predominantly was just exclusively audio at the moment although although although I am thinking of videos so this can you hear that clicking that's the radiator so that the heating's coming on because it's a little bit chilly gotta be a little bit chilly I've got a bit of energy in me tonight I'm like it's no weird a little bit of energy I think it's because I had a sleep it might

be the Chinese takeaway it's I probably had I probably had quite a few calories in that food but at the same time I probably got a fairly kind of balanced meal a cooked meal rice vegetables and other stuff so it's probably done me good actually and it tasted nice and I don't always enjoy the food I eat because a lot of it now is like microwavable meals and I'm not I'm not really a cook I can cook basic you know but I'm not I'm not one of these I don't I don't cook out of love

and I do admire people that do that because to me that that sound it just seemed like a wonderful thing genuinely I think it's just so lovely that something that we need to do I mean eating to me is like going to the toilet it's something I have to do in fact going to toilet sometimes more pleasurable you know it's but it's just it's something I have to do I've got no choice has to be done and there's there's a little bit of a rebellious streak in me still to like well I want to do

it if I have to do it and I want to do it I refuse to enjoy it when eating is can be a lovely experience kind of if the food's nice but to be able to I think amazing to be able to have that passion and that enjoyment to be in the kitchen cooking a meal to love cooking a meal and then to enjoy eating the meal and if you can enjoy washing up afterwards that's that's a that's a it's ticked all the boxes isn't it you feel all the gashes it's done you know it's

like wow in some ways the washing up is the least part that's probably the part I don't dislike I don't like it but it's the the easiest part easier than cooking and easier than eating it just if I could just skip to the washing up I'd probably choose that if I could just eat sweets and chocolate and donuts and cakes but feel have the same feelings I do after eating food like real food that that would be the dream so what I would basically like to do is have the opposite to a diabetic diet you

know the opposites instead of eating healthy food all the time I'd have unhealthy food all the time just unhealthy stuff but I don't eat like that in case you wonder I wouldn't have reached 49 if I've been eating absolute rubbish my whole life you know I wouldn't have reached my age and still be able to walk around and have mobility and be well so I'm doing something right I think one of the things that I've done one of the choices I made many many years ago was to drink lots of water so I know it's

a little bit of a taboo now to you know with bold water and plastic and stuff like that but all my adult life I've been drinking I've been buying bottles of water from the shops the markets whatever and I've been drinking them I still do now and the reason for that is partly because I thought well it's good for it's good for your body isn't it we are like majority water our body is apparently and water is just so important for the body system the body and everything but it's also I like water it's one

of those drinks that I like some people I work with someone when I was in insurance it was my second insurance job and oh she was lovely so I got really well with her and I worked next to her and every day I'd have a bottle of water I used to bring in either a big bottle or I'd have a pack of small bottles that I'd have in my in my cupboard underneath the desk and she'd always have flavoured water I used to call it coloured water but it is not flavoured isn't it and I

I used to well I used to make fun of her all day long really but not not horribly but used to make fun of me as well and but I said why why why have you got it would either be fizzy or flavoured but generally flavoured and fizzy if possible water not not soft drinks but water and I said uh why why Pammy why and she said I don't like the taste of water that's what she said and she's sounding nothing like that she had a lovely voice so I'm just I'm not doing I don't

like the taste of water Jason why do you keep hassling me if you don't stop it I'm going to HR and I'm going to complain about you that's what she used to say she didn't she didn't at all um that's one of the things I miss a little bit about working yeah and especially I think my first two insurance jobs were the ones that I like the best the third one I suppose because I got ill at the end of it and well died being ill in previous jobs but he the the place yeah it

was like the place was basically shutting down in front of me while we were there you know they were making they were based you know the company got sold somewhat twice in the first six months and they did you know people were moving on leaving and all that stuff redundancies and stuff and so I didn't in I enjoyed part of the experience the people I worked with that was the best part of the job they all just you know 99% were lovely really and I know I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it I

actually really got on pretty well with with everyone that I kind of talked to some some people just didn't talk to me but those that did I got on well with them and but the other two jobs because I was there for much longer I was at the second one for about it was I don't know how long August 2004 until I think it was the end of June or July 2007 so it's about you know nearly three years I was there and then I went to university in the September but yeah I just yeah

kind of miss it a little bit I miss old Pammy but yeah I said why are you why are you drinking that water so basically she she liked where she said you didn't like the taste of normal water and I said but it doesn't really taste of anything does it it's not but on on reflection after that because back then I used to buy nice water I mean by nice I'd buy not not Evian was it Evian I'd buy like the the most expensive bottled water which wasn't expensive but I that's the one that I'd

buy now I kind of buy the cheapest and sometimes I buy even cheaper than the cheapest and it does taste different and I'm sure sometimes it is actually tap water although it says on the box it says on the packet the bottle this is not tap water that's what it actually says not tap water so I clearly got some kind of an issue with that a complex so I've been drinking is it Evian Evian isn't Evian the the sparkling water isn't it or is Evian also normal water as well what's the normal water the most

popular one but for years for 20 odd years it's got a blue label within all the water bottles labels I forget anyway that's all I used to drink and most of the time when I was at work this is like my 20s before I did call center work I'd drink coffee at work at home I sometimes had a cup of tea depending on to what part of the decade it was but I'd have you know a cup of tea maybe rarely did I drink coffee at home when I was in my early 20s rarely did

I drink coke coke because I drink coke now but I rarely drunk that then I rarely drunk alcohol either I never drink alcohol now but I used to drink milk yeah so I used to have my dinner and I have a pint of milk in a bottle a pint of fresh milk with my dinner my evening meal that would be my thing that I did for years and years and years and during the day I probably have a if I was able to get some milk I'd have a pint of milk as well then because

I was trying to put some weight on I was trying to put a bit of put meat on my bones but I wasn't able to because I was just so skinny I don't think I was as skinny as I felt but I was at the point I was I was slim enough to be self-conscious about it which might seem weird if you see me now I'm a bit of a lump now you know but when I was younger I was really self-conscious and I remember I had a massage in 1990 probably 98 probably 1998 and

I had put a bit of weight on by then a little bit because when I went on antidepressants in 1995 I suddenly put some weight on it's like wow but then I'd been ill for about 10 months so I'd lost quite a bit of weight as well because I wasn't able to eat and suddenly I put this weight on and I felt really good because that's all I was not all I ever wanted but it's something that I really longed for from like childhood you know from I didn't really notice I was little until I

probably went to high school and everyone else was going through puberty and I was 17 and still waiting for it to start so like when's this going to start we're not going to start growing hairs and uh and it's weird because I used to go to karate I'd go to the gym I'd do weights I had my own weights at the bottom of the garden in my dad's uh it was a conservatory big conservatory but I had a dad had an office in there his business but the other side of the bit I had my

weights so all like these different weight bars curl bar weight bars bench pressing desk you know thing also I had two punch bags so I had all that he set that all up for me on he put the thing in the ceiling I bought all the other stuff although he did give me one bag I bought one punch bag which was the heavy bag but he gave me another bag no I bought a bag that I bought one punch bag and it didn't have anything in it that's right so one we filled with sawdust which

he gave me which I think he just I don't know where he got maybe he'd been sawing something and which that's where sawdust comes from isn't it and the other bag had rags in it so it's like a heavy bag and a light bag and one was a proper kit proper punch bag that I bought from the sport shop and the other was an old kit bag which was the same size as the punch bag but it was a like an old army kit bag but without any straps on I think or maybe it was

actually an old punch bag I don't know because my dad used to do judo and martial arts when he was younger as well so maybe that's from then maybe he had that when he was a kid and anyway I had that but I still couldn't put weight on I just wanted to be big you know I wanted to be strong and I felt like I was strong but for me I'd look in the mirror and think well how can I be strong because I'm little you know I used to be able to walk under the

cracks of the door seriously I just it's better sometimes I'd run and I'd actually I'd jump but I managed to get through the keyhole so I was so tiny but there you go and then I put some weight on when I was in 95, 98 I was still hugely embarrassed of my weight of my slimness so I'm not naked I've got underpants on and I've got a towel over me for the massage because I had a back I had a problem with my back and I was covering myself up and the lady who was doing

a massage she said what are you doing and I said I'm just a bit embarrassed I'm self-conscious of my body and she said what's wrong with your body and I said I'm just I just think I'm just too skinny and she said oh come on take take the towel off then so I said I've got the underpants on I took the towel off and she said oh god yeah I see what you mean well that didn't do me any good she said oh she said I'm quitting I'm not doing this job anymore and she ran

off jumped through a window I didn't see her again admittedly that's not the best story in order to sort of for self-image but and it never happened either she said there's nothing wrong with your body you're all right you're slim you know I was no denying that but I wasn't skinny she said don't call yourself skinny you're just slim I can't see your ribs well I can see where they are because we all know where they are don't we you know it's like if you put an egg on top of your head people are going

to see it because they know there's an egg there it's not really the same thing at all is it no but I used to be skinny enough where the what is it the the collarbone you can see the collarbone it's very prominent and then you know I put as my metabolism slowed down with with age not with old age but about the age of 30 I kind of put weight on the weird thing about it is that when I was a security guard when I was 26 well 25 but you know between yeah between 26

and 27 I spent a lot of time when I was first a security guard I used to go to the gym every couple of days I was doing nights go to the gym so I was keeping myself I was drinking um protein shakes and I was eating well I was taking food and eating every few hours I was trying to sort of get myself now I knew that I was able to put on a bit more muscle because my body was able to do it or put on a bit of weight and I was going

to the gym and I was I was turning out okay and then I got another job where I was again sitting down on my arse all day in security but I wasn't going to the gym because I'd moved away from where the gym was and then when I wasn't at work I was sitting on my bum all the time as well and there was one point and I did put weight on I must have gone up about a stone if not more and that was the heaviest I'd ever been and I didn't realize it until

I was I probably told this story before but I was living with my friend and I was laying down this is the days where I could still lay down on the floor um and watch telly you know where you lean on your elbows like kids do well I still could do that I didn't normally do that but for some reason I was decided to do that probably to stretch my my back out actually or to give the chair a rest and because the chair did moan a bit with the weight in that but anyway I

I just I laid down watching telly and my friend said can you get up please can you go and sit in a chair I said why he said I can't see the tv because of your arse it's so big that's what that is literally what he said now I think he was joking I mean I had a few questions like why are you looking at that you know when you've got this lovely flickering box with images on that you could be looking at why are you deciding to look at my my um secret place but

you know and it gave me a little bit of a complex I'll be honest with you I started to think oh I wonder because I didn't it's almost like it was a different part of my body I wasn't connected to it as much as I thought I was I thought it doesn't feel big I wasn't like touching it or anything but it just didn't generally feel big and uh and I'll get on the tube you know the trains and stuff and sometimes I sit down but then I'd I kind of get up slowly just to

make sure I hadn't sat on someone and crushed them but uh once I left that job I lost weight again well at least I did lose weight and I kind of the weight got down uh to like a a more kind of what's got became skinny again really or slim slim not skinny slim but I wouldn't go swimming wouldn't would never ever take my top off ever well ever actually the whole time as an adult I've never taken my top off in public ever and even though there's been times when I have physically been looked

fairly fit I guess you know compared to other times but I've never never had that that confidence you know some people walk around the street with a top off I don't I never have I did when I was a kid but I definitely don't now and I don't think I could I don't I don't think I'm ever going to be able to do that which means I can't go to the swimming baths there's nothing to do with the uh the court case I mean just generally I'm not allowed to I can't I can't get undressed

in a public space and go to get into once I'm in this in the pool the swimming pool apart from the fact that I can't really swim but um as long as I'm near the edge I'm okay getting in it once I'm in I'm okay because people can't see you can they can't see what underneath the water really but it's getting out again getting out's not so bad because if you've been in for a while doing a bit of swimming you kind of do get toned up because you're you've got blood pumping into your your

muscles and stuff um the other thing I didn't like about swimming baths is the spectator there's loads of people sitting on chairs around the pool watching for me professional swimming is a spectator sport leisurely swimming is not people swimming for exercise is not a spectator sport so I would have a rule that if you're going to take someone if you're going to you know if you're taking someone swimming then you get in the pool with them or at the very least no just get in the pool with them I know that's not always going to

be possible but generally you know so if there are a few spectators because they're not able to get into the pool for whatever reason they'll only be like a small amount a little handful of them not like 40 50 people all sitting around taking pictures and whatever like come on man stop taking pictures of my belly I'm not a whale stop calling me a whale I don't care if you are a reporter from a local paper this is a swimming pool and I've not been beached stop it leave me alone I don't eat plankton why

you keep trying to give me plaque I don't want any of your plankton leave me alone no I can't do whale song what are you playing me whale song tunes for I don't understand it actually I'd leave it on it does sound nice but I'm not a whale no I'm not a dolphin either why would you ask me if I was a dolphin because I have kind eyes oh thank you really I know that is not my breathing hole but leave get your fingers out stop it so used to be super skinny turned slim then

became fat even when I was doing boxing not professionally obviously but when I was going to the boxing club in 2009 or something like that 2009 2010 the see when I do exercise after probably the first 10 minutes I look like I've just completed a marathon during the like torrential downpour honestly I look just or like I've just swum the the Atlantic or something I just drenched completely drenched it's almost like I've just stood on my head and done a big wee and did it all over myself it's just I look really I feel good

there's something quite nice because it's it releases toxins doesn't it when you sweat and it clears the pores and gets rid of some of the the I don't know whatever it is but it's just nice feeling but I I don't half sweat when I exercise I don't the rest of the time you know I'm not just like a profuse sweater but profuse sweater um when I when I go into town every shop's a sweat shop wee and so yeah I when I was doing the boxing well everywhere like including Taekwondo, Karate, Wing Chun whatever different

place I was training that over the years I'd sweat and I have to take my t-shirt off and change it for another t-shirt so I could not travel couldn't travel home with that because not so bad in the summer if there's no one around and you can sort of stick something on top of the t-shirt and go home but in the winter you end up you don't want to be going around with a wet t-shirt wet t-shirt competitions purposely are not held in the winter because it's cold oh wait a minute when I say wet

t-shirt contest I'm not I don't mean that in the sense that I frequent such events because I don't I never have that's what the internet's for no I don't I don't don't I don't think they even exist anymore it's something that used to be at holiday camps isn't it in the in the 50s and stuff uh in the innocent age the what am I talking about yes I'd have to with the boxing that was the sweatiest I ever got because a boxing workout is in my experience the hardest workout of all of them there's something

it's I don't know if it's because of the the the three minute exercise bit where you keep going for three minutes whatever you're doing whether it's skipping whether it's on the bag whether it's sparring well not that we did any sparring but like practicing you know punching and with the other person or whether it's running around whatever you know press-ups or whatever those little like short bursts doesn't feel like short bursts of three minutes but those bursts of three minutes does definitely have a poor a real sweaty result for me so I'd have to I'd

have to take my t-shirt off in the changing room and I was the worst part of the whole thing so I turned my back on the other people and I kind of try and take the t-shirt off and put another t-shirt on and I think someone said you know what if you was able to punch as quickly as you change your t-shirt just then you could win a world title we laughed and I said you know what if you can keep your mouth shut he said yeah I said that's it if you just please keep

your mouth shut and he said oh I'm a boxer don't you I said I'm a boxer too he said yeah but you're you're 39 years old I said yeah so he said I'm 19 years old I said yeah so he said I actually compete in contests I said yes so he said you can't I said I know I can't what's your point he said well you're not really a boxer are you if you don't actually box in the ring in a competition with another boxer you're not really a boxer I said yeah but I train

he said yeah I said yeah he said well yeah you do train I said yeah and he said to me he looked me in the eyes and he said I can't think what else to say I said I don't know either really he said I thought this this little kind of monologue you know this dialogue thing would actually go somewhere interesting I said I was hoping that I was and he said but it hasn't has it I said no no it's it's a bit one of those kind of strange dead ends isn't it it's almost

like a an incomplete pasty that's been left on a plate for far too long to really either reheat it or even put it back in the fridge it's just you can't do anything with it maybe give it to the dog he said I don't have a dog I said that's not really the point is it it's just the the the point is that I don't think we can save this dialogue I don't think it's there's any way to create it creatively and he said I don't think you can really use those two words together in

a sentence creative creatively that doesn't even make sense I said I know but I just didn't know what to say after said the word creative he said how can you run out of things to say I said what do you mean he said well you talk for an hour pretty much every day at least an hour about nothing and when you're not doing that anyone knows you no one knows you would say that you're quiet in a sense of you don't have anything to talk about always got something pointless to talk about I said listen

you're not being very friendly really are you he said no I don't mean it horribly sweaty man I said what he said well you are sweaty I said so are you he said yeah but I'm a boxer I said come on mate let's not go down that road again can't we just get on can't we just be live in peace can't we just have a little cuddle and move on with the rest of our lives and he said I was with you with the let's live in peace until you got to the cuddle bit I

said what's wrong with that he said well I think you overdo the old kissing and cuddling that you mentioned in some of your stories I said what what he said yeah you talk about something with some complete stranger some weird conversation it doesn't even make sense and then you say oh yeah then we had a little kiss and a cuddle and danced a little bit and then we went and then we you know got on with our lives and I said yeah I said well isn't that a bit of a strange thing to say I

said it might be strange but at least I'm not dressed like a seagull and he said you got me there to be fair you do have me there I can't really argue with that I said exactly and uh you know what he said what I said uh I knew no matter how this conversation went however argumentative you got that I would always win simply because you were dressed like a seagull he said look I forgot I forgot I was dressed this way and you do have a point nothing I say is going to be able

to compete with the fact that I'm dressed like a seagull I said exactly and uh I don't suppose you want to tell me why you're dressed as a seagull and he said it seemed like a good way to end the the conversation between us because let's fake this face it wasn't going anywhere was it it needed a little bit of an injection of uh a bit of silliness to so that we could bring it to a close I said yeah that's a good point I do uh yeah I can I can see I can see

where you're coming from with that one and this this little voice from nowhere said anyone want a banana anyone want a banana and I looked at the seagull and I said do you want a banana he said yeah I could do that we could share if you like I said no I don't want to share with you I actually want that banana myself I said I just wanted to see if you wanted it first and now I'm going to have it in fact I don't actually really want it but now I know that you want

it I want it even more and he said to me well how can you decide that you're going to have it if it's because you decide I said well I've decided he said ah but I've got a I've got the advantage he said to me I said what well look at it it's a kid with a banana asking people if they want a banana I said yeah I can see that who do you think he's going to give the banana to I said he's going to give it to me because he's offered it and I

said yeah I'll have because I like bananas and fruits really good especially after training a banana is really good for your body and he said no we're not talking about dietary issues here I'm talking nutrition's a different subject I'm just saying who's he going to choose to give it to you you a sweaty middle-aged man with a with a not only sweaty you took your sweaty t-shirt off and a new t-shirt's sweaty as well so he's going to think perhaps you should change your t-shirt not knowing that you already have three times I said look

you're exaggerating I'll change it twice he said I know but exaggeration is good isn't it I said yeah I suppose it is sometimes and I said what's the point he's not going to give me a banana because he's going to be what scared me because I've got a sweaty t-shirt he said no he's going to give me the banana this is he's going to be scared of me because I'm dressed like a huge seagull I couldn't argue with him on that one let's face it if a huge seagull an adult human-sized seagull says give me

your banana I probably would just give him a banana just just just seems like the right thing to do and he said who are you talking to I said I'm talking to the audience people are listening to the recording hello everyone uh you all right I'm the seagull I'm the big uh giant seagull wait a minute I said you can't talk directly to the listeners I'm the only one that can do that you're just uh you're just an extra you're just an extra in the play that's a bit rude yeah it might be rude but

it's true yeah I suppose why can't we both say the same thing don't do that again we've been through that before not with me you haven't it's always you isn't it's me so you know yeah but why don't you put a bit of effort in and put a different voice on well that is a good point I suppose I could well why don't you I'm not sure I don't know I don't I haven't given it enough thought perhaps you should well perhaps we all should do certain things that perhaps we don't well perhaps you should

stop scaring children uh with that big seagull costume you're wearing he said listen you know I said all right he said uh it's not a costume I really am a seagull thank you very much end of play credits this play was made by Jason it was all made up from his mind his boring pointless imagination so I'm gonna yeah and I'll kiss the seagull goodbye and chuck the banana in so that's the end of this recording if you're still listening I do apologize um it should have been enough to send you buh-byes I'm gonna go

but that's it just remember to be kind to yourself because you do deserve to be happy will you let me say that what who's that it's a seagull go away I'm finishing the recording now but I want to say the bit at the end I've already said it oh uh you can say the last little bit that I say okay then thanks so take care yourselves lots of love wait a minute why did you go wee wee wee I don't know it just seemed like something a seagull would do no I think it's the idea

of ending the recording is to slowly kind of just fade out you know start not start making weird weird noises he said yeah sorry about that I said we're doing well he said I can't help it now it just does it almost feels like it's part of my life it's uh it's like inbuilt now I said how can something be inbuilt if you've only done it twice three times oh shit I'm going so take care lots of love and I'll speak to you tomorrow bye stop it stop